So I got some deep thoughts on my mind and I need to write.
This will, however, not be a rant. If anything, it’ll be an emotional overview
of some things I’ve been through.
You see, I fly out in a few days and I am greatly not
looking forward to being at the airport. The reason I’m so worried about
looking my best at the airport is because of all the garbage I’ve been through
at airports.
On my way back during my last trip, I stopped by an airport
bar to get a drink. I was pretty excited and giddy, so I took a few photos of
my beer and started texting them to my tinychat friends.
Unfortunately, the presumptuous assholes around me felt I
was doing something else and began making side-of-the-neck insults insinuating
that I was some sort of perv and that I was taking inappropriate pics of the
waitress. I guess she herself felt that way too, because she gave me my bill
without asking me if I wanted another beer. I paid and left, but I wish I could
go back and tell all of them off.
“Believe it or not, you fucking assholes, but the
weird-looking, awkward in your presence was just taking pictures of his beer!”
It’s stuff like this that makes me hate being in public. I
literally prefer being confined in my room, away from the world, because I’m so
tired of shit like this.
Then one time at the airport, the plane was late and the
whole area was just brimming with people. I had an anxiety attack and started
just walking around and looking around, trying to find anything to hold my
attention. It’s like the whole room turned against me. People started making
rude comments and frowning at me. One guy even told his kid that I’m some sort
of freak.
And this then takes me back to college. I was in class.
Feeling nervous. Was looking around the room, my eyes big, all nervous. This
one guy asked the girl next to him, “Why’s he doing that?” She replied,
“Because he’s an asshole.”
Then another time, I was taking the shuttle in Portland to
the airport. A couple was in front of me and the woman was cute. I looked at
her one time and was like wow, but I looked away. It turned out we were headed
to the same airport bay or whatever and so I ended up going in the same
direction as them.
Once I got into the airport, I steered away into a little
shop to eat. As I was eating, I see the same couple out the corner of my eye,
talking to a security guard and pointing at me. Oh, yes. I guess just because I
happened to look at her and head the same direction as them, and because I’m a
quiet weirdo, I’m obviously some psychopathic pervert out to get them.
And then another time back when I was younger, bussing
tables at MCL cafeteria, I was cleaning a table when I noticed two women
looking at me. I looked up at them and then quickly down at my work. What did
they do? One of them said fairly loudly, “That guy’s going to be a serial
killer one day.”
And then back in the day, I was in the line to buy shoes at
Foot Locker and I wanted to count my money to see how much I had left to get
other stuff, and the guy behind me makes the side-of-the-neck comment, “Stop
showing off, asshole!” As if I’m rich. And I’m just standing there, being quiet
and respectful.
Irony. I’m actually a very nice guy, but yet the entire
world acts like I’m some sort of giant asshole and monster. And then they get
mad at me and look at me in anger when I finally loose my cool and go off on
everybody.
What the fuck do ya’ll think years of this sort of abuse has
done to me emotionally? And do ya’ll realize how much I have to focus to keep
my temper in check? And how hard it is dealing with a life where I lack the
courage to stand up for myself in public and so insulate everything until I
finally blow up in Facebook rants that nobody understands?
Do ya’ll have ANY IDEA what that’s like?
I wish I were so rich I could afford to have an 8-foot-tall
African black guy with dreads around me at all times. Whenever I hung out with
hood niggaz in public, NOBODY ever said a damn thing. Why? Because they’re
scared to death of hood niggaz, which is why I got so much love for the hood.
Yeah, I get upset with the hood at times because I’ve become
somewhat ‘bougie’ from years of being away, but I’ll never forget the respect I
received by just being in the PRESENCE of hood niggaz.
It’s ironic. I’m a nice guy who’s quiet and so respectful. I
say my Thank You’s, Excuse Me’s and Sorry’s, and yet people SHIT on me nonstop
in the “real world” as some of you refer to it. And then you wonder why I find
it so much easier and more peaceful to just remain confined in this dingy-ass
room.
It’s not like I don’t want to go out and live. It’s just
that I’m tired – so damn tired – of being treated like fucking shit and not
having the power to fight back and put people in their place for wronging me.
Yep… that’s my life.
//
Has anybody else experienced stuff like this – like
instances of total disrespect? How did you handle it? And does it still bother
you like these experiences haunt me?
Thanks for listening and responding!!!
