Friday, February 5th | All of the Above (Maino)

For the next couple of weeks, I want to celebrate Black History Month by promoting the voice of young Black Americans. Maino, in particular, is a 27-year-old rapper who rose from prison to fame and fortune by changing his mentality, recognizing his strengths, and working hard. God Bless you Maino and may your message inspire many others to follow behind you.

“I'm a miracle baby,
I refuse to lose,
This what the ghetto done made me,
I put that on my father,
Tryna hope for tomorrow,
When I think that I can't,
I envision Obama,
I envision the diamonds,
I envision Ferraris,
If the world was perfect,
All my niggas behind me,
Ain't you happy I made it?
That I'm making a statement?
Take a look and you can tell
That I'm destined for greatness!"

Black History Month

I would like to extend love to all my local Black friends. I earnestly look forward to celebrating Black History Month by your side. I’ve begun my adventure into Black History Month at History.com and TvOneOnline. In fact, this month TvOne is hosting reruns of the Flip Wilson Show and the Richard Pryor Show. And as you can probably tell, I am especially enjoying this portion of my journey. By the way, if you aren’t down with Richard Pryor, then you can’t be down with me! He is by far the funniest comedian that I have ever encountered. No other man has ever left me laughing out loud quite as much as him.

I also want to note how SHOCKED I was to see Tim Reid, Paul Mooney, John Witherspoon, Sandra Bernhard (She’s on Roseanne), and ROBIN WILLIAMS on the Richard Pryor Show. What was even more astonishing was how young they looked!

Anyway. I want to end by thanking Mo’Nique and Wanda Sykes—two of the most brilliant black comedians in the game right now—for continuing to spread black culture to households all across the world. I cannot even begin to thank you both for the inspiration you offer me. Ya’ll are heroes in my book!



White Supremacy

While viewing a Who Dat anthem video on YouTube, I glimpsed over some extremely racist comments being spouted by a young man known as MicrosoftDude (CAUTION: FILTHY LANGUAGE):

“Listen you dumb APE. go get your check and sheets, I think the mail man just came by...and as for a fuk? man your momma is a jizzz hole. LOL stupid retarded ape like wanna be human fuked up monkey mother fuker. your a waste of a human you know your a animal and you are ashamed of your filthy animal race. race war is coming ni**er and you think hitler was bad? BRUUU HAAAAA dumb as idiot ni**er"

I decided to view his YouTube profile and noted that underneath ‘About Me,’ he asks, ‘Why can’t I be proud too?’

Here is my reply:

It’s okay to be proud of who you are, young man—whether it’s White, Black, Asian, Irish, Baptist, or even a pitiful NBC Staff-Member. Go ahead and celebrate your culture, but don’t demean others in the process. What deters people from accepting the White-Pride movement is the Holier Than Thou attitude that you all tend to perpetuate. When Black Americans celebrate Black History Month, they don’t target White Americans; instead, they celebrate their history and culture, which is what cultural celebration is all about to begin with. You need to get over yourself, grow up, and learn to show some respect for all cultures and peoples. Only then will you be given respect in turn.

Racial Discrimination

Last week I inquired into why race-based discrimination is wrong, especially considering that age, gender, and income discrimination still remain so prevalent and widely-accepted. Obviously, racial discrimination is wrong for many reasons; a brief look into the Civil Rights era makes this abundantly clear: Rosa Parks, the North Carolina sit-ins at Woolworth's, and, if you still don't get it, fire-hoses! But does prohibiting certain races from enlisting in an organization make that organization racist? I’m still baffled by this question and hope that I one day discover the answer. I would say YES, but then how would I explain the Black Caucus? Miss Wanda Sykes… if you’re reading this, could you help a brother solve this riddle!? Hollatcha’ boyyyyyyyyyyy!

Transforming Our Dreams Into Reality

We all have dreams, but rarely do we achieve them. Many people give up altogether, in fact, and instead opt to hover in limbo between genuine happiness and utter distraught. The problem lies in their refusal to compromise their dreams. You see, as we mature, it’s necessary that we continually update our dreams by trimming unrealistic expectations and adding along more reasonable parameters—so that they one day fit into what’s actually possible. The goal is to eventually transform our dreams from mere fantasy into actual reality.

For instance, my ultimate dream is to become a famous rapper/writer who brings forth world peace, eliminates poverty, and greets aliens upon their arrival. Obviously, that’s never going to happen—except in my dreams, where I, in fact, already have two babies on the way from my pregnant extra-terrestrial wife (She's hot, bro!). Seriously though, I’ve come to accept that certain things just aren’t possible.

What is possible, however, is that I may become a successful writer with one or two books under my belt. Even that is still quite out of my current reach, but at least it’s feasible. What I’ve done is narrowed my dream by replacing famous with successful; eliminating the desire to become a rapper; and removing illusions of grandeur by accepting that I cannot achieve world peace, end poverty, or play Nintendo Wii with ET.

As my career blooms and success looms closer, I can further annotate my dream by incorporating additional elements, such as the prospect of a New York Time’s bestseller, or even the chance to speak on a national television talk show. Truthfully, I will probably rehash my dreams 10 times or more before I even get remotely close to reaching it. The goal is to always keep your dream slightly out of reach—enough so that it’s possible, but only via a lot of hard work.

So what modifications can you make to your dreams today so that they pose a better chance at coming to fruition?

The Rise of Fox Network (Not Fox Network News)

I am in love with Fox; their lineup of shows has me addicted! For drama and adventure, they have House, Lie To Me (currently out of season OoS), 24, and Human Target. For reality, they have Kitchen Nightmares, Hell’s Kitchen (OoS) and Cops. And for comedy, they have Wanda Sykes, Sarah Palin, and if all goes well, they’ll soon have Conan O’Brien. Phew… they got NBC by the balls, man!



Does That Make Him Gay?

During a session of the ‘Let’s Talk’ facebook talk show this week, the crew asked whether a self-defined straight man who engages in gay porn just for money is gay. My answer to this question is absolutely NO! I’ve known one or two men who worked in the gay-4-pay industry just to pay their bills and avoid homelessness. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes life leaves one with limited options. And as I’ve stated countless times before, sexuality is about much more than just sex; it’s about emotions. If you harbor romantic inclinations only for women, you are a straight man—no matter what additional activities you may have engaged in during the past.

Sadly, society fails to recognize this. Many people view these issues in only 2 dimensions, which, I’m sorry to say, is ignorant, narrow-minded, and just plain stupid. And once you’ve been stigmatized by society as gay, your chance of ever finding true love with a woman ceases to exist. As soon as any woman discovers your past, they immediately say, “You’re gay!” Idiocracy seriously knows no bounds these days!

Haiti Child Sex-Trafficking

Sighs. In the words of Forrest Gump, “Stupid is as stupid does.” Just looking at a picture of the supposed Haiti sex-traffickers, I’m wholly convinced that they are just a batch of dumbasses who didn’t think things through. I appreciate their missionary efforts, but they went about the whole ordeal completely wrong. They’re obviously going to have to pay the price in regards to the law, but please don’t be so harsh on them otherwise. They’re just stupid—it’s as simple as that. DEE TAH DEE!

Death

The termination of existence is one of those concepts that I’m still unable to fully grasp. It troubles me immensely when people die on a TV Show. For instance, earlier this week on 24, a former convict was gunned down by a ruthless mobster. His unnecessary death still haunts me—what if it was me? Ideally, I would like to live at least 120 years, if not forever. Dying is so tragic; you lose everything that you’ve worked so hard to acquire: material wealth, personal achievements, physical prowess, and worst of all, contact with your loved ones.

Dogs

Instead of complaining about having to help take care of my roomie’s dog, I’m trying to transform it into a meaningful experience. In certain ways, taking care of a dog is like taking care of a young child. You must constantly douse them with love and affection, and even more importantly, discipline them in a way that is fair, but not unkind. At first, I would bitch-slap her. I now realize the error of using such a methodology. She’s not an idiot; she replies to my slaps by catching a serious attitude. How would I feel if somebody bitch-slapped me? Well, if a woman did it, I’d be turned on—but that’s beside the point. A much better approach to discipline involves rewarding correct behavior instead of punishing bad behavior. When we play fetch, for instance, I now say ‘Good Girl’ and pet her on the head when she opts to bring the ball all the way back to me. And guess what—it works like a charm!

Jokes

These are all jokes that did exceptionally well on my Facebook page. Mind you, all my friends are just as crazy as I am.

I'm pissed. Michael Baisden, on behalf of women, just asked men, "Where all the heterosexual men that aren't crazy?" First of all, how do you define crazy? Second, crazy men need love too! Third, I may be crazy, but I'm packing some Grade-A, USDA-Certified meat, so come get it while it's young, fresh, and hot off the grill! (I said it, yes I did!)

Today Michael Baisden is talking about why it's important to groom your pubic area "For real doe!" This reminds me that I need to trim the hedges soon. Thank God I have an electric John Deere dickmower with variable speed and detachable ball scrubbers!

So today Michael Baisden is talking about gay men in the military. A man named Charles called in and complained that gay men in his unit stare at his butt in the showers. Look... if you're staring at my butt, that just means I'm doing my got dayum squats right! So gon' head stare (BUT DON'T TOUCH) at this fine bubbly ass! Betcha' if you drop a quarter on it it'll bounce! (Yes, I said it!)

Politics

You've probably noticed that I've completely quit discussing politics. What's the point; those who disagree will ALWAYS disagree! Plus, I know more about Jay Leno's socks than I do politics. So why even bother!? I'll let brilliant minds like Bill Maher handle that stuff!

Stephen King

Every superstar needs an arch-enemy. My default arch-nemesis is none other than Stephen King. There are four reasons that I've chosen him:

#1. He's a Libra.
#2. My brother likes him, and anything that my brother likes, I must dislike.
#3. He blatantly stole Michael Jackson's facial features, especially his big ass nose.
#4. He once made a very mean comment about somebody whom I can relate well with.

Other than that, I have the utmost respect for the man and his incredible writing talent, although I refuse to read his books; they’re too crazy even for my crazy ass. You must realize that there are different temperaments of craziness. And more often than not, crazy people don’t get along with each other.

Self Confidence

It all starts within. Once you truly accept and love yourself unconditionally, you will exude with confidence and draw others toward your light. Some will love you and some will hate you, but so long as you love yourself, nobody will be able to extinguish your flame—no matter how hard they try otherwise. Real talk from Pastor V of the First Episcopal Lutheran Buddhist Church of the Latter Day Hindus.

Who Dat Nation

The Saints are going to whip the Colts into DUST. Why have I sided with the Saints? Because they sound spiritual; plus they’re from New Orleans. Seriously, WTF do I know about football!?



PS – What does Colts stand for?

C - Count
O - on
L - Losing
T - the
S - Superbowl!

aHAH (:-D)



Alright. I’m out of here. Have a GREAT SUPERBOWL WEEKEND!

Friday, January 29th | Got To Be Real (Cheryl Lynn)

I haven’t had enough time to sit down and really think this week because, once again, I've been extremely busy just trying to maintain. America is in a recession and times are tough! And so since I’m kind of desperate for meaningful comment and in a hurry to produce something quickly, don’t be surprised if I pull stuff out my ass tonight.

Is It Really Racist?

Is it truly racist for an organization to exclude certain people based on race? What about gender, age, and income? I’m not certain how valid this is, but I assume that the Boy Scouts of America is exclusive to only young boys—and vice versa for the Girl Scouts. In addition, country clubs, sports teams, and even the government (a person must be at least 35 to be President or Vice President, 30 to be a Senator, or 25 to be a Representative) all base their membership on certain qualifications, including age, gender, and income. So why can’t an organization exclude members based on race as well?... I’m still working on an answer to this question.

CNN Story Comments

CNN gets blown up with some of the dumbest comments ever written. For the sake of my sanity, I’m going to quickly rebut the most common and most annoying top 3 comments of all time:

#1. Learn to write correctly!

A news writer must constantly produce compelling stories that not only clearly relay relevant information, but also catch and hold onto the reader’s short attention span as well. Considering how many articles the average writer must handle within a day, it’s no surprise that occasional punctuation and grammar errors pop up. And editors, despite their diligent training, must process stacks of news story articles per day—so it’s likely that they might accidentally skip over an error or two now and again.

My point is that perfection just isn’t possible, at least not in regards to writing news stories. The news industry is extremely fast-paced and so the process of conveying news must be extremely efficient, which means that articles need to be written fast enough to keep up with the constant influx of incoming news. This leaves very little time for perfectionist-like proofreading. So unless you’ve worked in the field of writing, check your attitude at the door!

FYI—I don’t write news articles. My articles on WAN are kind of a combination between a news story and a feature article. A news story typically focuses on the five Ws: Who, What, When, Where, Why. In fact, the answers to all five questions should always be readily available within the first two paragraphs. With a feature story, you have the freedom to space things out and add a lit bit of commentary/opinion.

#2. This story isn’t news!

Every single action or event constitutes news. I just scratched my hairy butt; that’s news! According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, in fact, news is defined as “a report of recent events” or “previously unknown information.” Did you know that my left scrotal sack droops slightly more than my right scrotal sack? Yes—that’s news!

There are different categories of news, including Headline News, Entertainment News, Sports News, and even Weird Asian News. Even a piece of headline news doesn't necessarily have to be relevant to you; it need only be sensational in some way, shape, or form. So quit complaining about relevancy and go locate a story that is actually important to you.

#3. The title is misleading!

Writers use misleading headlines to draw the audience’s attention. However, just because the title is misleading does not make it incorrect. The key to creating such a headline is to utilize what’s known as a double entendre, wherein a spoken phase can be read in two separate ways. For instance, consider this headline: Prostitutes appeal to Pope. Does the Pope like the prostitutes, or are they appealing to him and atoning for their sins? That question in itself is plenty enough to draw in a curious and probably confused reader.

Random Pointless Question

Why does the guy on Reno 911 wear a pink bandana? Is he gay, and if so, why doesn’t he wear matching pink shorts and shoes?

Are You a Slave or Master of Your Life?<

Are you a slave to some predetermined destiny, or do you proudly commandeer the reins of your existence? If you answered yes to the former, then may I ask why you feel as if you’re trapped? What conditions supposedly bar you from achieving your dreams? You know, there are two ways you can approach life. The first method is to presume destiny and wait for fate to drive you toward that which you seek. The alternative requires that you take full responsibility for your gains and losses, which means putting forth the extra effort needed to push your own self—without fate’s assistance—straight up the stairs of success.

Do You Tiptoe Through Life

Some people tiptoe through life because they’re afraid of offending or hurting others. If somebody approaches you and complains about your activity, then certainly do apologize, but don’t allow them to change who you are. What I loathe more than anything is having my freedom restricted by people scared of the truth. To act a role is fake, and 'fakeness,’ in my opinion, is the opposite of truth.

During my trip to India, my brother oftentimes bemoaned my behavior, claiming that I was being disrespectful to those around me. The irony is that nobody else was complaining, including my uncles, cousins, and other relatives. He basically wanted me to sugarcoat my behavior so that it would better appeal to others—although it seemed like he wanted me to curb my behavior to better appeal to him. I absolutely refused to do that because that's akin to acting a role, which is fake.

The last thing I wanted was my family to perceive me in a false light. I desired that they know me for who I am—for better or worse. By the way, I don’t mean to put my brother on blast, but I got to be real!

Bankruptcy

I officially filed for bankruptcy this week. All was well, except for one slightly annoying occurrence. During the official hearing, the trustee (named SkinnyMan or something like that) burst out loudly with, I paraphrase, “You own practically nothing! Are you a Buddhist or something?” Luckily for him, I was adorned in my professional garb; otherwise, I would have jumped across the table and smacked him (j/k).

The truth is that I own plenty of valuables; it’s just that they’re not worth that much. All I really need to be happy is a fast computer with RoadRunner Internet access, an analog television set with a digital cable box and Movies-on-Demand, a bunch of protein-rich food, and a bevy of cheaply purchased fitness equipment.

Fame Without Fortune

I regret sharing my WAN links because local residents are starting to recognize me on the streets. This would be quite dandy if it weren’t for the fact that I just filed for bankruptcy! I’m famous but have no money, which basically makes me Kevin Federline.

Tattoos

I’m very interested in getting a tattoo, but I’m worried that my foolishness will drive me to choose something stupid like ‘Kid Dynomite’ or, even worse, ‘Unofficial Black Man.’

Traveling

I feel so sophisticated from having traveled to India that I just want to just smoke a cigar and make love to an Italian woman with a Russian accent.

Damn Dogs

Sighs. El Gringo’s list of party fouls keeps growing exponentially. Let’s review the most recent ones:

#1. Going ‘baffwoom’ on other people’s lawns. Speaking of which, I apologize to my neighbors for taking so long to clean it up. I prefer to allow the doo-doo to dry up and marinate in the soil because trying to scoop it up while it’s fresh and moist is quite nauseating.

#2. Taking too much bed-space. Just like a woman, this Lady dog likes to take up all the space on my bed. I’m so tired of being forced by women—or their canine counterparts—to make love to the wall! It’s MY bed, you bitch! (She’s a female dog and so my use of the word bitch is NOT INAPPROPRIATE in this instance.)

#3. Bringing the ball back only 75% of the way during a game of fetch. What the hell is your major malfunction, you bitch? (I’m enjoying this bitch thing wayyyy too much!) I wonder, at times, if she does this on purpose to hint that my throw sucked—which is certainly possible since I throw like a girl—or to make me work as hard as her. Conniving little mutt!

#4. Farting in my room. I feed you tiny bits of ham, chicken, and beef, and you return the favor by stinking up my room? No more food for you! NEXTTTTTTTTTT!

#5. Barking at my dark-black upstairs roommate while he was climbing the very dimly lit stairs. Racist ass motherfucker…

Don’t Touch Me
Howie Mandel made a quick appearance on the Jay Leno Show tonight to discuss his recently released book, ‘Don’t Touch Me’ which details his life as an extremely obsessive compulsive maniac. No matter where he goes and what he does, his extreme OCD interferes with his ability to function as a normal adult male. I’m very excited to read his book—as soon as my bankrupt ass can afford it, of course—because I understand his struggle to a tea. (or is it tee?) I hope one day in the faraway future to follow in his path by writing a book that depicts my struggle with Asperger's Syndrome and Social Anxiety Disorder. Much love and respect to you, Mr. Mandel. Oh, by the way, want to loan a brotha some money so he can quit his day-job and write that darn book? (wink wink) J/K

I want to go now an actually ENJOY MY WEEKEND! It’s 2:30am and I have yet to hit the chatrooms. pEaCe!

Friday, January 22nd | Mama Used to Say (Junior)

I'm sorry, but this post is kind of short. I'm been very busy this week and only had a few hours today to dedicate to it—most of which were spent lying in bed and trying to figure out WTF I'm interested in talking about.

Martin & Malcolm

Michael Baisden posed a great question this week. What would Martin and Malcolm most be proud of, and what would they most be ashamed of?

They'd be proud of how far we've all come, but they'd be equally disappointed at how much we have yet to learn. We waste far too much time hating and trying to destroy one another. A lot of us, in my opinion, aren't seeing the big picture because too much intolerance, apathy, and cynicism still line our hearts. MLK begged us to turn the other cheek, but we oftentimes choose to fire back with a punch instead—be it physical or verbal. We must stop hating and start loving, and that means opening our hearts to other people's feelings, because at the end of the day, emotions are all that bind us together.

Haiti

Sadly, many people refused to watch the telethon tonight due to their anger at all the involved celebrities—many of whose personal donations cannot be verified. They’re also complaining that celebrities aren’t donating enough money; FYI, I only donated $5, which is equivalent to a measly .4% of my monthly salary. However, HOW DARE ANYBODY presume who is donating and how much someone should donate. It’s this sort of callous and uncalled for cynicism that threatens to ruin this great country we all love so dearly. I daresay that the indigent masses struggling to survive in Haiti have more heart and much more to offer than these cowardly cynics ever will.

All White Basketball Team

A man known as Don ‘Moose’ Lewis has formed an ‘All White Basketball Team’ because “he wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of [the] ‘street ball’ played by ‘people of color.’” I can work with that; do you all day, everyday. What I cannot tolerate, however, is this blatantly racist clause lodged in their eligibility requirements:

"Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league.”

That’s called racism. Now, some people have mentioned the Congressional Black Caucus to me, which Wikipedia describes as exclusive to only Black Americans. I’m willing to admit that there refusal to admit any white members is extremely suspect and could be construed as racist as well. However, my blackness will not permit me to comment on this any further.

India

I hope that I didn't offend any local Hindus with my post last week. I was trying to be real and honest, while still dousing my piece with a smidgen of good humor. I'm interested in learning more about Hindu culture, but I don't want you calling me a Hindu. I'm an agnostic American with a predilection for black culture and Christianity. KK? Got it? Cool. Namaskar & Daps!

Jay vs Conan

This whole Jay Leno vs Conan O'Brien predicament is quite sad—especially the immature and hateful responses being generated by some of us in the general public. Both Jay and Conan have admitted that they hold no animosity toward each other because they realize that the real enemies are NBC and, more specifically, the affiliates bullying NBC into making such a rash decision. But even then, NBC isn't an enemy because all it's doing is conducting good ol' fashioned American business. The world isn't perfect and as Conan so eloquently put it, we don't always get everything that we want. That's life. In the words of Tupac Shakur, “I know it seems hard sometimes, but remember one thing. Through every dark night, there’s a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out, keep ya head up.... and handle it.”

It's too bad this happened, though, because I thoroughly enjoyed the way things were. I’m even willing to admit that Jay doesn’t really deliver quite nearly as many LOL moments as Conan does. Still, I like him nonetheless because he’s a good guy with a consistent track record. All in all, Jay tickles my funny bone from 10 to 11, Mo’Nique strokes it hard from 11 to 12, and Conan makes it bust from 12 to 12:30.



*Sighs* I'm going to miss the awkward little feller. And don't even get me started on tonight's heart-wrenching outgoing speech; it was so real and down to Earth. I especially appreciated his comments on washing away cynicism, never giving up hope, and staying focused on the future. God Bless you, Sir, and GOD SPEED! My prayers are with ya’ll, especially Andy! I don't love you, but I'll make love to you. Remember, loving a man is GAY, but making love to a man... not so much! (J/K)

Cats vs Dogs

I’ve always preferred the company of cats because they’re easy to manage. You feed them, water them, change their litter box, and then leave them to fend for themselves. The problem, however, lies in their lack of socialization skills; they’re quite obnoxious and moody little critters. They act like they can’t stand your presence, and then they go poop on your bed just because you left them alone for a day. Make up your damn mind. Do you want some attention or not?

Dogs, on the other hand, are loyal and friendly; they’ll stand by your side through thick and thin. But the problem is that they’re just so damn lazy: they don’t clean up after themselves, they ain’t got a job (cats are Mice Chasers), and they expect you to keep them continually entertained. Do I look like Bozo the Clown? This lack of responsibility, by the way, will be the lead-in for my first-ever upcoming short story, tentatively titled: Man vs. Dog — The War of the Turds.



I realize that it sounds stupid. And to be honest, it probably WILL BE stupid. But it’s my first-ever short story, man! I can only get better from here on out. I’m still developing the plot and characters in my head, so it won’t drop for awhile. I guess I'm just a 'punk writer' like Conan once was, but at least I'm not a fricken ginger! (I said it, yes I did!)

That’s it for this week. Keep your eyes peeled for an incoming slew of articles on WeirdAsiaNews.

~~~~~~~~

I want to officially end this post by reminding everybody of the misery still unfolding in Haiti. The children of Haiti are being forced to grow up much quicker than they should have ever been. To these children, I pass on the lyrics of artist Junior in the hopes that God will hear it and heed its message. God Bless and may the Lord wipe away their tears and unleash joy on their young spirits.

pEaCe

“
And mama used to say:
Take your time young man
And mama used to say:
Don't you rush to get old
And mama used to say
Take it in your stride
And mama used to say
Live your life
“

PS - The best way to help right now is to submit money or food. Unless you’re trained to handle such a tragedy or you work for a relief organization, it’s not wise to fly to Haiti. They don’t need bystanders interrupting the relief efforts.

Friday, January 15th | Return from India: Back to Life, Back to Reality (Soul II Soul)

The pictures included in this blog posting have all been taken from Google. My Mom, Pops, and brother were in charge of pictures/videos, and I doubt they'll allow me to share our family photos with ya'll.

A toasty cheeseburger drenched in ketchup and mustard; a Marlboro Light cigarette stuffed with freshly grown American tobacco; bacteria free water that’s been properly filtered a thousand times over; and sexy women who bathe frequently. God, it feels Great to finally be back HOME in my Mother country, the United States of America, the land of the free and the home of the brave. I’m a McDonalds-eating, Walmart-loving American and damn proud of it. Yo DJ—turn up the music and let’s get this party started!

The Parable of the Tree

Before I begin, I want to relate a parable that I've devised which accurately depicts my perception of 'family roots.'

Consider a tree seed. It lands upon the Earth and digs roots deep into the soil. It then sprouts upwards, gradually revealing generation after generation of descendents. Many years later, a lone baby seed lying atop the canopy tumbles from its parent and is whisked away to a far-off land. In time, it too lands upon the Earth and digs toward the ground and sprouts toward the sky, eventually forming its own ‘tree.’ The cycle continues on and on, until one day perhaps a great grand-descendent of the original seedling finds itself on an entirely new planet—or perhaps even in a whole different universe.

I am like the lone seed atop the canopy. Although my parents hail from India, I intend to build my own family tree here in the United States of America. I am not obliged to teach my children and grandchildren anything about India; they are welcome, though, to learn for themselves. Look folks—if we choose to identify ourselves strictly by our forefathers, then the truth remains that we are all nothing but cavemen and should therefore relish our ancestor’s past by drawing on walls and dancing by a raging midnight fire. Obviously though, our forefathers have resettled many times over in lands all across the globe. This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the cycle of life.

I tire immensely of certain Indians who demand that I forego by beliefs, religion, and culture because of some purported obligation to recognize the culture of my forefathers. To these assholes, I say, “Fuck your cow!” (j/k) Seriously, though, I am a proud American. I will not watch Hindi movies, listen to Hindi music, or even read Hindi news just because some culturally obsessed turd has the audacity to try and define who I am. I choose my own destiny; the ability to decide for myself is what makes America such a wonderful place. Don’t get me wrong. I find the Indian culture to be fascinating; I just don’t want it forced on me.

Itinerary (for anybody who’s interested)

Delhi
Bereilly
Haldwani
Kashipur
Dehradun

Quality of Life

The quality of life in India is just plain miserable. Most homes have no heat, hot water, or Internet access. As for electricity, it comes and goes randomly; you’re lucky to have it for 50% of the day, if even that much. To take a shower, you first heat up the water on a stove, pour it into a bucket, mix it with cold water, and then pour it on yourself with a ladle. It's a very annoying experience, especially considering that India is currently in winter. You have to keep scooping and pouring, unless you don't mind freezing.



Culinary Delights

Indian food, in general, consists primarily of rice, dal, potatoes, and snacks. Their definition of a hotdog is a hotdug-bun stuffed with mashed up brown potatoes and lettuce—YUCK! It sucks because I went from a 150g/day protein diet to maybe 30g/day at best; the effect on my muscles is noticable, but I'm gradually rebuilding mass. It feels great to be back on a diet of chicken, cottage cheese, protein powder, and mixed vegetables! The best snack in India, by the way, is definitely Gulab Jamun!



Traffic Infrastructure (or the lack thereof)

Besides major cities like Delhi and Mumbai, India, for the most part, lacks an official traffic infrastructure. You choose which direction to drive—although you are supposed to stay on the left side—and it is up to you to weave in and out amongst the rickshaws, motorcycles, taxis, cars, horses, goats, cows, dogs, and beggars that crowd the streets. It is amazing, however, how well the Indians manage to avoid traffic accidents; despite the unending chaos, we witnessed only one incident throughout the whole three-week trip.



Noise Galore

Horns. Horns everywhere. Every five steps forward is littered by a never-ending cacophony of beeps, bellows, and burps howling from the cars that pass by me. It feels like somebody is pulling on my eardrums with a tweezer. You get used to it after a while, but damn it feels good to be back in the quiet suburban streets of Raleigh, North Carolina! Speaking of noise, a Muslim speaker sings at the entire city through a bullhorn approximately every three hours, even throughout the night. It’s very annoying to be constantly awakened by his loud ass, but it’s part of the culture here. I never realized that Islam has such a strong presence in India.



Indian Markets

Most Indian commerce occurs in tiny Mom and Pop shops instead of a super-market. Finding a pair of shoes can take hours because you must locate a shoe store amongst the hundreds of little depots that litter the alleyways. It’s a very inefficient system that needs a total rehaul from the bottom-up. My brother, being the Portland liberal that he is (no disrespect intended), supports such commerce, but I find it to be ineffective and a total waste of resources and time. It does, however, keep everybody employed.



Jewelry

Indians have an affinity for jewelry, including rings, bracelets, and necklaces. The irony is that my single bracelet outshined every piece of jewelry that I encountered. On more than one occasion, in fact, bystanders approached me and commented on much they liked my jewelry. In general, Indians seem to prefer gold, and they apparently don't mind if it's old and rusty. Personally, I demand that my jewelry sparkle in the sunlight.



Mahatmas Gandhi

Most notable about this trip was my visit to the memorial of world-renowed role model and hero Mahatmas Gandhi. On the eve of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I want to remind readers that MLK was greatly inspired by Gandhi, particularly his belief in non-violent revolution.



Recommendations

#1. If you are a smoker planning a visit to India, then don’t waste a single rupee on Marlboros, Camels, or any other American brand of cigarettes. They are produced outside of America and therefore taste like shit. Your best bet is to purchase GoldFlake cigarettes—sold in a pack of 10 for approximately 35 rupees—from a street vendor.

#2. The best restaurant to dine at in Kashipur is the Hotel Manor. They have a brilliant Indian buffet, as well as a great continental menu. You can purchase a grilled chicken sandwich with French fries and coleslaw for only 90 rupees, which is less than 2.0 USD.

#3. Do not, under any circumstances, book a flight through Air India. The whole experience was lousy and completely under par compared to more reputable airlines like Lufthansa and American Airlines. Not only did we lose some of our luggage, but the crewmembers onboard refused to refill the toilet paper, and the food was just plain lousy.

#4. If you’re a weight-lifter or on a diet of some sort, make sure to bring along proper supplements like protein powder, Omega-3 fish oil tablets, and BOTTLED WATER.

#5. Don't give money to a street beggar; if you do, 5+ more will approach you within under 60 seconds. Trust me—I learned the hard way!

Interesting Family Members

Gyanshyam Mama

In Indian culture, a paternal Uncle is known as a ChaCha, whereas a maternal Uncle is known as a Mama. I appreciate the uniqueness of their family system, but there is no way in hell that my future American nephews and nieces will be referring to me as Mama; if anything, I’ll be known as ‘crazy Uncle ___’. Anyway. My favorite Uncle is Gyanshyam Mama. He is a former Indian powerlifting champion who used to deadlift approximately 550 pounds and bench 265 pounds. That’s not too much weight per American standards, but it’s tremendously impressive for India, especially considering that his most prolific days were back during the 70s and 80s. As well as showing me all his trophies, Gyanshyam Mama also treated me to his stash of beer and liquor for New Years. Lesson: Uncles know how to have the most fun! It didn't help, though, that my hating-ass Mom kept bitching at him to not let me drink more than 4 beers. Oh, pshhhhhh... quit hating, Lady! I drink a case of beer every weekend!

Where the G's at?

A maternal grandfather is known as Nana-G, a maternal grandmother as Nani-G, a paternal grandfather as Dada-G, and a paternal grandmother as Dadi-G. Yo—where the Gs at, son?

The Hindu Militant Midget

Although he’s not as cute as Michael Evans, my little cousin Rohit is as defensive of Hindu culture as Michael is of the black power movement. He constantly lectured me on Hindu culture and tutored me on Hindi words. Despite his obsession with India, Rohit does, however, have an intense passion for Michael Jackson; he claimed to have cried when he heard MJ passed away. This inspired me to teach him about other American artists like Lakeside, Naughty by Nature, and Earth Wind & Fire. By the time I left Haldwani, Rohit was addicted to my music. Ahhh—the pleasure that comes from having corrupted a Hindu youth!

The Anti-Indian Rocker

My cousin Mohit rejects everything about Indian culture. He instead pursues a life as a full-fledged Marilyn Manson and Godsmack loving rocker. He works for Travelocity, but spends his free time smoking on pure hash (and I mean PURE), drinking booze, and screwing his extremely sexy girlfriend. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I don’t particularly like his personality because he seems something cynical and two-faced. It'll be interesting to see how he changes as time progresses.

Mr. Sincere

My favorite cousin is Sumit. He’s a full-fledged Indian, but he possesses a golden heart full of love and spirit. He practically broke into tears during our departure. I’ll sincerely miss him and I hope that I can one day meet up with him again. Unfortunately for him, I have no intention of ever returning to India; the misery I suffered just isn’t worth it. Hopefully, he can one day find his way to the United States.

Sexy Cousins

It’s hilarious that such an ugly duckling like myself has so many sexy, beautiful cousins. Does this attraction to my female relatives make me a pervert? I sure hope not. Most disturbing of all is my cousin Ruthie, who bears a strong resemble to what my Mother looked like as a youth. My intense attraction for her is just plain sick and disgusting; I'll soon be scheduling an appointment with a therapist.

Indian Women

After this trip, I’ll now seriously consider an ‘AMERICAN Indian’ woman as a wife. The Americans I encountered on the airplane and at the airport were gorgeous, for the most part, and acted just as American as I do. They were attractive enough to put the average white woman to shame—and yes, I said it! Plus, they're really down to Earth and understand my struggle as an American Indian; and yes, I'm willing to classify myself as an AMERICAN Indian.



The Tragedy in Haiti

I’d like to extend all my love and blessings to the victims of the Haitian earthquake. If you haven’t already, please donate $5 to the Yele Haiti Foundation, founded by Wyclef Jean, by texting ‘YELE’ to 501501. Or better yet, donate $10 to the Red Cross by texting 'Haiti' to 90999. The way in which everybody is coming together to aid Haiti is truly awe-inspiring. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to bring us all together and wash away the unneeded cyncism and bitterness that oftentimes clouds our judgment.

House
This week’s episode of House had me laughing out loud over and over again. I know exactly how it feels to be continually accused of being homosexual, when in fact I am straighter than a ruler. People are so stupid that they oftentimes tend to judge sexuality by a person's personality instead of his or her romantic inclinations toward a particular gender. As I've said many times before, it’s all about what your heart desires—whether that’s a man, woman, or whatever.

BCFx

Black College Football Experience (BCFx) is a football game for the Microsoft Windows operating system and Xbox 360 gaming console that was released in September 2009. It’s a refreshing new game that depicts the culture of HBCU football—which, just for clarification, isn’t restricted one single bit to just black players. A typical HBCU is predominantly black, but still hosts a variety of different ethnicities, including Hispanics, Caucasians, and even Asians.

Many people are complaining that this game is racist. That’s absolute horse manure. HBCUs were originally created to offer black youth the opportunity to educate themselves—an opportunity which was once unavailable to them. Even after the civil rights movement passed, these Universities continued to function, but they NEVER once tried to block people of other races from joining their ranks. It just so happens that an HBCU focuses more on black culture. Never will you hear an Earth Wind and Fire or, God forbid, a 50 Cent song at a traditional predominately white University football game. At an HBCU, however, you can expect a whole slew of r&b, rap, and jazz culture.

The truth is that the entertainment industry—football included—is predominately white. Over the years, Blacks and Latinos have gradually crept up the ladder with their own television shows, television networks (BET, Telemundo), schools, and now even video games. Asians are beginning this steep climb as well; you can catch a little Ninja Warrior on B4, or partake in Hindi music on ____ (not sure, but I know it’s out there). Every single time, though, that a non-white people launch their own product or service, there’s a huge backlash by people claiming it to be racist.

Once in for all, I just want to tell these people to shut the fuck up. There's no such thing as 'reverse racism.' Either you're a racist ass or you're not. If you're quick to demonize a race for celebrating their culture, then you're a racist ass—case closed!

Running with El Gringo

I returned home to discover that my roomie has a big ol’ mutt with him. The little booger, who we shall refer to as El Gringo, is quite annoying, but she’s proving to be very beneficial to my workout regiment. She loves to walk and I love to run. I avoid running outdoors—and instead run in place indoors—because I don’t like doing it alone. With her by my side, I feel much safer. The irony is that I'm in better shape than she is; she runs out of breath and breaks down before I do.

On Harry Reid n Private Race Shit-Talking

I don't see anything remotely racist about Mr. Reid's comments. If you listen to the Michael Baisden show, which harbors a very intelligent black audience, you'll discover that most educated, professional black Americans have a zero-tolerance policy towards uneducated, illiterate rhetoric. They appreciate Obama because he casts a positive light on black culture by bringing forth the best that they have to offer.

At the same time, he still embraces some of the most questionable aspects of the culture—including rap music—because he's open-minded and realizes that everybody has something to offer. I used to speak foolishly, but I grew up and now articulate myself with class and dignity. Nevertheless, I still listen to rap music, dress in comfortable urban clothes, and have many friends still stuck on the streets. It's possible to be grown and classy, yet still affiliated with your roots.

In regards to racism, I know and realize 100% that it still exists in full effect. Just peruse through the Internet sometime and you'll see the ignorant trash that some of our more outspoken brethren like to spew. It’s ultimately irrelevant though because the close-minded morons littering society, in my naïve opinion, represent only a minority. I would hope that most of us know better.

But I admit that even I talk some shit sometimes (especially about white people, hehe), but I do it only out of anger; it passes quickly, allowing me to return to a logical and open-minded state of being. At the end of the day, I accept all people for their unique differences. When you become so absorbed in your petty anger that you start defending slavery or referring to black or other Americans as "the blacks" or "the whites", then you've obviously lost control of your marbles.

It's okay to talk a little shit in private (we all have our moment: "That fricken Indian technical support guy was so crappy I could smell his unwashed ass."), but just don't let that crap take over your mentality. Once you've succumbed to it, your hatred will stick out like a sore thumb—and people will avoid your whack ass!

On Hiphop

If you watch pornography, like violent movies, or listen to Marilyn Manson, then you are in no position to hate on hiphop. Pornography is the most shallow, misogynistic form of entertainment in the world, but everybody flocks to it like sheep.

I like hiphop–including the shallow, violent, and useless lyrics–because I find the experience fun. Watching a hiphop music video is like watching a film; for a few brief moments, I get to live the life of a rich, spoiled gangster or a womanizing player. After that, it's back to life, back to reality.

With all the violent imagery perpetuated today by heavy metal musicians, film producers, and writers like Stephen King (BARF), I find it just plain unbearable that so many people have such harsh thoughts about hiphop. Like it or not, the music genre is bigger than ever and will continue to grow and dominate WORLDWIDE. Even some Hindus on the streets of Delhi can be found vibing to the sweet beat of hiphop.

Ode to America

I wrote this 250-word sample article to apply for a pathetic side gig which I did, however, acquire, although it pays SHIT.

A toasty cheeseburger drenched in ketchup and mustard; a Marlboro Light cigarette stuffed with freshly grown American tobacco; bacteria free water that’s been properly filtered a thousand times over; and sexy women who bathe frequently. These are just a few of the quirks that go along with living in the United States of America. Although the US harbors a wide array of domestic and international problems, it still remains the greatest land on Earth. Pollution is almost non-existent, death from disease is relatively minor (at least compared to worldwide statistics), and the quality of life in America far outweighs the misery experienced worldwide.

More importantly, America provides its citizens with unfettered access to their dreams. Whereas other countries impede progress with unwanted rules and regulations—such as limits on free speech and regulations on proper behavior—the United States allows the individual to pursue almost any lifestyle that he or she desires. Only in America can a middle-aged Chinese man pursue a career as a sexy stripper with a big butt and thighs high to the sky—assuming he can afford the surgery, of course. And although the morality and ethics of such unhindered freedom is indeed questionable, nobody can deny that a free man or woman is typically happier than one trapped by the maxims of a restrictive regime.

It is therefore my stipulation that the United States of America is the greatest country on Earth. Let freedom reign and the voices of tyrants fade away like a whiff of bad breath.



God Bless America!

pEaCe

PS - As of January 17th, I'll officially be off vacation. :'(... this suckssssssss, man!

Friday, December 18th

I'll be on my way to India next week, and I won't be back until the 2nd week of January. I have nothing important to say, so I'm just going to write about what's on my mind.

Lack of Excitement
I'm not at all excited about this upcoming trip to the land of the shitty toilet (no pun intended). Quite frankly, I don't like to travel; I prefer to remain in a single spot for an extended period of time. Plus, I'm quite enamored with my own country and therefore feel no reason to leave it, even if only temporarily. I suppose that I'm suffering from a smidgen of Americentrism, but can you blame me? And honestly -- this is going to sound absolutely RETARDED -- I'd rather visit Africa because I apparently have some deep-rooted identity issues: "I'm black, bitch!" Hopefully though, this trip will provide me with a greater appreciation for the culture from whence I derive. But don't expect any major changes in my personality, because I'll always be down like John Brown!

Glenn Beck on The Jay Leno Show
It was certainly interesting, to say the very least, to listen to Glenn Beck present his viewpoints. I have never watched his show, so I don't know what he's all about. I find him alright, at least in regards to personality, but I disagree with most of his statements. What really surprised me, though, is that he believes it's better to be judged by 12 farmers than 12 scholars. This makes absolutely zero sense to me, whatsoever. I love farmers and realize that many of them are quite intelligent, but I would rather be judged by somebody who has spent the majority of his or her life studying knowledge instead. I guess that for today, I'm going to have to just agree to disagree.

Western Tradition with Eugene Weber
I enjoy watching Western Tradition on the education channel from 6:00 to 6:30am, right before I go to bed. Professor Weber (R.I.P.) journeys from the beginning of civilization up to the 1980s. It's a great and entertaining way to learn the basics of history. But keep in mind that he takes a direct route from Mesopotamia to America, therefore completely skipping ancient Asian or African history. You do, however, get to learn about the Semites, Greeks (Plato, Socrates), Egyptians, etc. I'm not too good at remembering detailed information, but I do recall (at the very least) that it was the Athenian sophists who first discovered the concept of a 'free man.' Dayum, I wish I had been this focused on education when I was actually IN SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

George Lopez Reunion
I'm really glad that a rerun of Monique aired on Tuesday, because it allowed me an opportunity to tune into the George Lopez late night show for a change. He was hosting a 'George Lopez' reunion featuring all the original cast members. My favorite moment was when Constance Marie spoke about how during her youth, there weren't any shows featuring 'brown people.' If memory serves me correct, George Lopez is the first and only American to have ever brought a non-white and non-black lifestyle/culture to mainstream America via a family sitcom. He is indeed a role model, if not a hero.

Anyway. That's all I have to say for 2009.

pEaCe and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

PS.

I'm trying to better my grammar and it has me so freaking stressed out! I'm so obsessed with correctly placing commas and all that other shit, that it's making me unable to just write. I'll waste 30 minutes just researching 'do you have to put a comma before because'! Excuse my language, but I fucking hate grammar! Most of all, I hate that dayum Grammar Girl! My one and only wish for 2010 is that all the annoying-ass grammar geeks who constantly deride me for my improper grammar just disappear: POOF, BE GONE!

PS. 2 (just for the heck of it, since this post is so short)

Here's a quick list of things I enjoyed this week:

#1. The season finale of 'Lie to Me.'
#2. Poprah's unrelenting grip over the world in 'I Want to Work for Diddy.'
#3. Kari Anne's dismissal on 'Sex Rehab'; good riddance!
#4. Lil Wayne and Young Money Records on the Monique Show. (He may not be a genius, but he is a good man!)
#5. The reunion of the George Lopez show on the George Lopez talk show.
#6. Christina Applegate on the Jay Leno Show; she is so fine and down to Earth!
#7. Glenn Beck on the Jay Leno Show. I've never watched him before, so I appreciated the opportunity to get an idea of what he's all about.
#8. A House rerun featuring the Indian guy.
#9. The beautiful, lovely, and down-to-Earth Jenna from Tough Love, despite what that asshole Steven Ward says.
#10. My own writing, simply because I'm an egotistical, self-centered prick hahah. j/k.

Happy Christmas/Hanukkah/Family-Guy-Day/Diwali/Kwanzaa!

Friday, December 11th

Evening.

I don't have much to say this week. I've been reading a lot and I'm tired. Plus, it's December and my interest in writing lengthy self-centered blogs is going down pretty rapidly. I'm sure I'll have much more to say when I return from India in January. My brother, who works for 'One Laptop per Child,' is bringing along an OLPC laptop so that I can write down all my experiences. Upon my return, I'll port it to my desktop and probably submit it to Craigslist.

Tiger Woods Joke (courtesy of George 'G-Dub' Willborn)
Is it just me or does Tiger Woods have more white women than the Oprah Winfrey show!?

Sex Offenders
100-year-old sex offender Theodore Sypnier will soon be released from incarceration in NY after serving less than 10 years for raping and sodomizing two sisters. Mind you, the charge was later reversed on a technicality, after which he was jailed on a lesser sentence. Is it just me or are sex offenders getting off way too easy? Back in 2001, I was sentenced to eight years in prison for BURGLARY, a sentence which I admit was soon after rescinded due to my age and mental status. I vividly remember the day that I was sentenced though; there was a 45+ year old man who went in front of the judge right before me for raping a young girl. The creep was sentenced to only 8 years, which makes no sense whatsoever. How the heck do you sentence an 18 year old dummy to 8 years for burglary, and then hand the exact same sentence to a seasoned sex offender? Where the heck is the logic in that?

Law n Order SVU
SVU has received a bunch of bad press this week from conservatives, who are ticked off at its fictitious depiction of a conservative talk show host. I understand why they are upset, but I must point out that Law n Order has a long history of over-dramatizing what's happening in the real world. Although it's meant in some small part to relate to real life events, the overall goal is to entertain. For instance, even though I enjoy contemplating the issues that it brings up, I never ever allow its fictitious portrayal of society to interrupt my real-life interpretation of both domestic and international news. Keep in mind also that tonight's Law n Order came from an entirely opposite angle; 'Obama bots' were the evil perpetrators this time around. By the way, I don't appreciate being called an Obama bot! lol

Law n Order SVU
I appreciate the opening bit involving a hooker running from her 'Daddy.' I honestly once had the unfortunate experience of having to live with a pimp, and NO, he was not my Daddy! It was very unnerving to watch and listen to him perform his 'pimp duties'; he was ruthless, cold, and abusive to his girls. Although he promised them a nice life, he constantly berated them, and made them do whatever he wanted without question -- lest they suffer a beat-down. I mention this because the general public's attitude towards pimping and prostitution is not only uninformed, it's outright derogatory. A lot of these 'hoes' are merely young girls who came from a bad life and honestly don't know any better. And so they think a 'Daddy Mack' or whatever can save them by giving them shelter, buying them clothes, and taking care of their basic needs. It's a very sad situation that breaks my heart.

There was one girl who especially caught my attention. Her street name was Skittles and she was (and still is) partially deaf, and had almost no self-esteem. The irony is that she was absolutely beautiful; she had long, luscious red hear and eyes beaming with soul. Unfortunately, she was also quite slow and so made many mistakes, which resulted in horrific beat-downs that could be heard from halfway down the street. I must admit that I did nothing to protect her because I myself was scared of my roomie, and I quite frankly was and still am somewhat of a little biatch. By the time he kicked her out -- as he had become fed up with her -- she was covered with bruises, and was nearly always crying. I offered her free shelter devoid of any sexual expectations, but she refused and returned back to the streets. I pray that she is still okay, wherever she may currently be.

Wyclef Jean: 'From the Hut, to the Projects, to the Mansion'
Wyclef's new album illustrates his journey from poverty to success. It's especially meant to give credit to the 'refugees' who pull themselves up by their own bootstraps without complaint, and push forward toward their dreams. The best song, in my opinion, is 'Warrior's Anthem.' Also look out for his other hit single, 'Slumdog Millionaire.'

Celebrity Humanitarian Efforts
Why are people so darn cynical toward all the humanitarian efforts made by celebrities? George Clooney, Matt Damon, Wyclef Jean, Angelina Jolie, and Brad Pitt -- to name a few -- are not only talented actors, but they are also concerned human beings who don't mind going out of their way to help those in need. I don't worship these people or feel that they are any better than me, but I also don't go out my way to put them down. Of course, people may ask, "Well, why don't I receive attention for all the things I do?" Well, you're not famous. And quite frankly, I highly doubt that these celebrities choose to have their charitable actions displayed for all to see; it's merely the price of fame. This whole anti-Hollywood culture irritates me. An entertainer is no worse or better a person than you or I. So how are we to judge them so harshly, whether for their righteous or evil deeds? For instance, a lot of women are so enraged at Tiger's infidelity, even though the percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity (according to InfidelityFacts) in any relationship they've had is 54%. It just seems like such hypocrisy to me.

The Princess and the Frog
I'm excited about this movie and hope that everybody -- regardless of race, religion, sexuality, etc. -- can enjoy it.

In regards to race and color, I want to quote one of my role models, Mr. Michael Baisden:

"ISeeColor means just that, I see color. So often when you hear people say that race is not an issue, typically people respond, "I don't see color." Well, I do see color. And it is only by acknowledging the race (color) of a person that you show respect for the history and struggle of that ethnic group. Ignoring that is not only a mistake but shows a lack of tolerance for people who look different than you."

His point is that race does matter; it denotes a difference in heritage. Although I consider myself a full-fledged American, the truth is that I am quite different compared to my Black American, Chinese America, and White American friends because we come from different cultures. Mind you, we were all raised in America and so therefore share very similar traits and interests; but, there is still an underlying difference between us that should not only be recognized, but also RESPECTED. That, in my opinion, is the key to tolerance.

And so I recognize and respect the struggle of my Black American peers and welcome -- with OPEN ARMS -- this groundbreaking new Disney film!

Ya'll just better return the favor though when I blow up across America with my debut film: "The Technical Support Representative and his Curry Chicken"! :-D. lol. I'm an idiot.

Jim Norton (JAY LENO Show)
Jim is very funny, and I say this because Jim's humor is almost always based on adult content. I LIKE THAT, which is why I love Family Guy, but am not fond of the Simpsons.

I guess I had more to say than I realized. Whoops...

Obama Bot signing out!

Friday, December 4th

I'm sorry about my post last week. I chose to be a funny little ass instead of just being myself. I forgot the reason why I began writing on craigslist in the first place: to relieve pent-up emotions and frustration. I'm going back to my roots this week! I'm not a comedian; I'm a writer, although I do get off on making the occasional really good joke. This post is a bit controversial though and so I apologize in advance. I have a lot on my mind and need to just let it loose.

Role Models
I consider Master P a role model; let me tell you why. Master P -- better known now as Mr. Percy Miller -- appeared on the Mo'Nique show earlier this week dressed in a nice suit. I was really impressed by the changes he's made; he's rid himself of the childish grill, taught himself to speak articulately, and educated himself about 'generational wealth.' You may still wonder though why somebody like Bill Gates isn't my idol instead. What the heck do I have in common with Mr. Gates? The guy is a BRILLIANT GENIUS. Mr. Miller, on the other hand, is an average-intelligent Joe who gradually rose up through the ranks. After acquiring fame and fortune, he spent years enjoying his youth, while also raising his wonderful son Romeo. Now that he's reached middle age (40), Mr. Miller has finally grown up all the way into an intelligent adult dedicated to bettering his community. He is in essence what I want to be one day: a great father, a successful artist/business-man, and a positive influence.

Growing Up
If I suddenly came upon $1,000,000+, this is how I would dedicate my money:

25% Investments
25% Savings
25% Equity (A Townhouse)
10% Family
5% Bills/Rent/Maintenance
5% Friends
4.5% Clothes/Jewelry/Car
.5% PARTTTYYYYY!

Why 4.5% for clothes and .5% for partying? I'm still very young and truthfully, I want to have fun. I dream of wearing fly clothes, sporting a nappy grill, and riding around town in a fancy car stocked with a batch of fine Ladies. I had a pretty crappy highschool experience and would really appreciate the opportunity to partake in the fun that many of my peers enjoyed during their youth. I guess I'm immature, but I honestly am in no hurry to grow up. The point that I'm trying to make is that we all grow up at our own pace. I hate being asked, "When are you going to grow up?" Kiss my butt and let me live!

Reverend Al Sharpton
Although Mr. Sharpton is quite controversial, I nonetheless think very highly of him. 'Pa Pah' -- as Mo'Nique refers to him -- made an appearance on the Mo'Nique show earlier this week, and has made quite a few appearances on the Michael Baisden show as well. I've always liked him, despite how the media tries to portray him. He presents himself humbly, but with intent and passion. I realize that some of his viewpoints are a little tough to swallow, and that he sometimes comes off as a racist; but I truly believe he is just a humble man who may perhaps be a little too wrapped up in the past -- as in the horrific actions perpetrated against black people in the PAST. I'm trying to be very PC here (so as to not offend either side), while still defending my love and respect for this great man. I also realize that I'm opening myself up to some extreme criticism, and I understand that. The bottom line is that he cares very much about the black community -- no different than an American Indian fighting for reservation rights; a homosexual pleading for gay marriage; or an Indian trying to bring Bollywood culture to America. Sometimes the Reverend is right and at other times he is straight-up wrong. No matter though because at the end of the day, he is still a good man -- at least in my eyes he is.

Gay People
Speaking of homosexuals, I am getting a little frustrated with all the anti-gay sentiment running rampant on the Internet. Ever since the Adam Lambert fiasco -- which even brought forth the attention of La Hipócrita de Numero Uno Michelle Malkin -- the anti-gay community has been proclaiming their disgust at being forced to behold the 'homosexual agenda'. Homosexuals are forced to watch us straight folk kiss, make out, and do God knows what else every single damn day on television and elsewhere. I'm so fed up with all the bloody hypocrisy, as well as the non-stop WHINING. "They're ruining our country!" "They're messing with our children's minds!" "They are corrupting society!" It's ignorance, intolerance, and apathy that is corroding society. Every other which way, another 'hater' can be found bunched up in a corner, hurling wanton statements chockablock with sarcasm and hatred for no other reason other than spite. It's just str8-up shameful. Speaking of which, I apologize here and now for calling Miss Malkin a hypocrite just because her views run counter to my own. I guess I was just calling the black kettle white or however that uhhh metaphor goes lol -- I'm stupid!

Busted Ego
I was really excited this week because I managed to deadlift a whopping 300 pounds with straps. Curious though as to who else might be at my strength level -- the assumption being that they would be burly men with huge muscles -- I logged into youtube and searched for '300 pound deadlift.' Lo and Behold... I discovered video after video of scrawny teenagers 14-16 years of age deadlifting 300+ WITHOUT STRAPS. Ain't that a bitch? Do you realize what this means? Little kids can probably beat me up! I can't even imagine what a guy my age could do to me. In accordance with this new discovery, I've ordered a bottle of mace for protection!

Deployment to Afghanistan
I support the deployment because I do not want all our efforts in the Middle East to have been in vain. In fact, I feel we should even work toward eventually going into and stabilizing Pakistan as well. So long as these nations remain unstable, we are at high risk. We did a great job with Iraq, which now houses a democratic government, functioning schools, and fairly happy citizens. If we can manage this with Afghanistan and Pakistan, it would fundamentally change the way the Middle East functions. HOWEVER, we need to also back up the deployment with huge heaps of dough, lest our troops end up insufficiently equipped to handle the mental and physical strains that lie before them: How One Army Town Copes With Post-Traumatic Stress.

Angels and Demons
I quite enjoyed watching this film last weekend. I fail to see why the Catholic Church is so against it, as the film in no way, shape, or form lends a negativity connotation toward religion. If anything, it finds a comfortable medium between religion and science. When speaking of religion and science at the end of the film, Camerlengo Strauss says, "The world is in need of both." INDEED.

Amanda Knox
I don't know if she really is guilty or not, but I still feel sorry for her nonetheless. She's really cute by the way.

Bill Maher
Bill Maher is a bloody genius. I disagree with him on the Afghanistan initiative, but it matters naught due to his spectacular performance on Leno's Green Car Challenge. He ran over some bullllllshit a few times over, and handled it quite well (wink wink). Unfortunately, his overall time was even worse than Limbaugh's... eh, all is well that ends well.

Jimmy Fallon
I'm starting to give Jimmy a chance. Although he's still young at the art of late-night hosting, his show is pretty spunky and fun. I mainly like all the ridiculous stunts they pull. Most of the time though, I choose to watch reruns of Star Trek TNG on WGN instead because I'm a worthless-ass nerdddddd!

William Shatner on Conan
He scares me!

Anyway. Sorry for advertising so much last week, but the more money my bosses make, the more money I make. I'm a corporate sellout.

pEaCe and God is GOOD!

PS - I almost DIED this week. I tried to squat 235 and couldn't bring the weight back up, and ended up stuck in a very awkward and uncomfortable position. I was able to roll the barbell off me. Thankfully, it crashed onto the floor without the weights breaking. My legs are really weak, but a lot stronger than they used to be. Back in September, I could barely do 135. Now I start with 15 reps of 135 and usually end up with 3 to 4 reps of 205. TREE TRUNK LEGS, BAY-BEE!