Evening, folks. I chose the above song because the Morning Joe crew really likes it, but I chose to satirize it because I DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, lol.
I have a lot to things on my mind tonight, so I’m going to break down my initial thoughts into sub-sections.
IntroductionI hope everybody had a great week. To be honest, I had quite a bit of extra time on my hands this week due to my main supervisor being on vacation, so I went ahead and wrote some extra material, including an ‘interesting facts’ piece and an op-ed piece. These are new styles for me, so don’t expect anything even remotely good. In fact, expect something very bad and extremely offensive. Sorry in advance.
What’s An American?Today, my main target are people who equate being American with some cookie-cutter image of what they perceive an American should be. I was inspired by all the people who incessantly complain that Hispanics are ruining the “American culture.” Despite their claims otherwise, there is no set ‘American culture’—and that’s in fact what makes this such a beautiful country.
It just so happens that the most anti-Hispanic folks are typically rather white and rather country. As such, my feature piece may sound like I’m making fun of country white folks—and well, I am. Not all of you, though. I’m just making fun of the ones who think their culture is the one and only true ‘American culture.’ The rest I respect and admire and love to death, and I hope they respect me as well.
And remember, I’m a comedy writer, folks. My job is to make fun of people and places. And though your culture and way of life may be my target today, I promise you that it’s nothing personal.
Speaking Of Hispanic Illegal Alien AmericansFirst of all, just because somebody is from south of the border doesn’t mean he or she is an illegal alien. That the aforementioned people equate all Hispanics/Latinos/Columbians/Chupacabras with illegal immigration greatly offends me.
Just to let you know, I live by a brown-skinned, likely-Hispanic-but-could-be-Latino family, and they are the nicest people on Earth. The parents are friendly, the kids are well behaved, and even the dogs are polite. Compared to them, my obnoxious dog and I are the ones who deserve to be deported!
No Tea For Me I’m a bit upset at the Tea Party. Their ‘shut em down’ attitude toward the government annoys me, their belief that any job that doesn’t produce something material is worthless offends me, and their desire to deregulate Wall Street and regulate the vagina infuriates me. I realize Raleigh is a southern town with a likely deep-rooted Tea Party affiliation, but I have to be real: Ya’ll piss me off! Mind you, I’m certain I don’t make your day either :-).
Keep in mine one of my pieces kind of “talks mad shit” about the Tea Party. Sorry again (innocent angel face).
Captain CourageousThough cutting Medicare and Medicaid would hurt a lot of people, I’d be up for it (which pits me against MANY liberals), except for the fact that, according to The Washington Post’s Ezra Klein, “Ryan’s proposal lowers corporate taxes and taxes on the wealthy, extends the Bush tax cuts permanently, calls for repeal of both the health care law and Dodd-Frank financial reform law, and freezes discretionary spending at 2008 levels.”
Basically, Paul Ryan wants to bless the rich and wealthy while screwing over the bottom tiers of society. How sweet of him.
That reminds me. I don’t know how I’m going to achieve it, but I promise that this year I will not only pay nothing in taxes, but I’ll get a 60% return on what I made last year. I don’t care if I have to come up with the most ridiculous deductions on Earth:
- office assistant pay (the money I spend to feed and care for my dog)
- pubic hair grooming (gotta look good for my clients)
- and Morning Joe bereavement (therapy fees for the depression that resulted from watching Paul Ryan on MSNBC)
In all seriousness, I wish the democrats would at least consider his proposal, and then follow it up with intense negotiation. Unfortunately, he’s been dismissed altogether, which means we’re—as usual—going to get nowhere!
Dear Mr. Donald Trump: CUT IT OUT ALREADY!Look, maybe Obama wasn’t really born in the United States. If you want to prove it, then assemble enough facts and bring your case to the Supreme Court. Otherwise, shut the hell up. Just like an ADA cannot win a cased based on circumstantial evidence, you cannot convince the American public that Obama was born in Kenya unless you cite REAL EVIDENCE.
It’s your choice, man. Either way, I don’t care because I’m not going to vote for you regardless. Your bushy hair and fat wallet make me jealous, your self-centered ramblings make me (a guy who worships House, for God’s sake) nauseous, and besides, I think you’re the antichrist.
Donald
surname, from 13c. Scot. Dofnald, Dufenald, probably from Gael.
Domhnall, O.Ir. Domnall (pronounced "Dovnall"), from Proto-Celtic
*Dubno-valos "
world-mighty, ruler of the world,"
from *walos "ruler" PIE *dheub- (see deep).
Now that’s what I call proof!
Brief News: Superman Revealed To Be Paul RyanRaleigh, NC—MSNBC correspondent Richard Engel has revealed that Paul Ryan is in fact Superman. He made the remarkable discovery while on assignment last Friday, April 1 at Wakefield Middle School.
“When I arrived, a little, skinny geeky asshole was fighting this nice, gentle 200-pound boy who had just been trying to collect the geeky prick’s mandatory daily lunch-money fee,” Engel explained on The Rachel Maddow Show. “Then all of a sudden, Superman flew out of nowhere and whipped that geek’s punk ass and forced him to pay his dues.”
Engel went on to explain how, using the incredibly refined spy skills that he learned from reading H. G. Well's' science fiction novel
The Invisible Reporter, he followed Superman into a bathroom and then watched—in utter disbelief—as he changed from Superman into Paul Ryan.
“I was in complete and total shock at first,” Engel said, “but it makes perfect sense now that I think about it, because Superman’s courageous actions fit perfectly with Paul Ryan’s even more courageous legislation.”
Ryan himself has yet to admit to the allegations, but Engel has no doubt that the “extremely self-assured and confident politician” will soon come clean about being Superman—not to mention Glenn Beck’s secret gay lover.
Moral of the story #1: Bill Maher—“It irks me to no end that people keep calling him ‘courageous,’ the way the media never really looks into anything very deeply, they hear a buzzword, like ‘courageous’ attached to Paul Ryan, and now it’s conventional wisdom that Paul Ryan is courageous. Really? Courageous would have been going after defense and farm subsidies and corporations and rich people. His budget doesn’t do any of that, it goes after children, the poor, the jobless, the people who had the least and could least defend themselves, who had no lobbyists, this is courageous? This is picking on the weakest, smallest kid on the playground and getting called courageous for it.” (Preach, bruh bruh!)Moral of the story #2: I got some gangsta-ass graphic design skills, son!Moral of the story #3: Richard Engel is the one who should be called courageous!Brief News: John Boehner Endures Long Week With Tie Stuck To 261-Pound Tea BrewerWashington—What should have been just another week at work turned into an embarrassing nightmare for House Speaker John Boehner after he accidentally got his tie stuck in his Fetco TBS-71AC Tea Brewer on Monday morning and, unable to pull himself free, decided to just drag it with him to Capitol Hill.
“Watching him drag that stinking piece of shit—it smelled like a bunch of dried up tea bags—around Washington has been quite delightful,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who took numerous photos of Boehner and then posted them as a slideshow on YouTube.
“It’s a shame that Mr. Speaker is unable to detach himself. It’s almost like he’s too afraid to try. I know it’s big, heavy, and threatening looking, but trust me, there’s nothing to fear. It’s just a big, dumb machine. Added to that, it isn’t even plugged in!”
After a final attempt to dislodge himself from his Fetco TBS-71AC Tea Brewer early Friday, Boehner gave up and used a blowtorch to permanently attach it to his body.
“If you can’t get rid of it, you might as well blowtorch it to yourself,” he later told reporters.
Moral of the story: I’m sad to say that John Boehner has become the Tea Party’s bitch.Additional Comment: John Boehner, if you're out there, rid yourself of the Tea Party. You're a really nice and sentimental guy, and that's awesome, bro, but you need to realign yourself. God bless you for trying to fix our budget crisis, but look at it from our side -- businesses had the Bush tax cuts for years, and what did they do with it? So why are you punishing us (including children and WOMEN) when you should be going after them? Think about it, bro!Brief News: GOP Looks To Change Definition Of 'Shared Sacrifice'Early Wednesday morning, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor revealed plans to permanently change the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of ‘shared sacrifice’ to mean “for 99% of Americans to work really hard and then sacrifice their combined earnings for the benefit of the remaining 1%.”
His announcement was immediately met with ferocious uproar by left-wing legislators, who argued that republicans were trying to “screw over Middle American.” However, Cantor convened a meeting later that afternoon in front of the Capitol Building to refute these allegations.
“You guys have it all wrong, man,” he announced. “We’re not trying to screw anybody over; we’re just trying to ‘pass the potato.’”
“You see, wealth is kind of like a hot potato. The first person picks it up off the stove and burns his hand. Then he passes it on to the next person, who also burns his hands. And it just keeps going around and around until it finally gets back into our *cough* I mean the remaining 1%’s hands, at which point it’s all nice and cool.”
He continued, “I mean . . . you wouldn’t want them to burn their soft, gentle hands, would you?”
Moral of the story: Some republicans have a very twisted idea about what ‘shared sacrifice’ means.Interesting Facts: Gaddafi's Letter to ObamaLibyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi wrote a personal letter to Obama in which he begged the president to stop the “unjust war” against Libya (Libya being his nickname). Here are some of the reasons he cited:
- ”I only have eight more years left until my 50th anniversary as a brutal tyrant!”
- ”I’d love to have one more wife. Three is my lucky number!”
- ”I haven’t finished moving Libya out of Africa and putting it back into Europe!”
- ”I still have to finish reading the Victoria’s Secret Spring 2010 Catalog!”
- ”I’d like a bit more time to figure out how to spell my name correctly!”
- ”I’ve only written a Green Book. I’d like to write a Blue Book as well!”
- ”I need some more cosmetic surgery. I have to look good for Allah!”
- ”I want to finish my Gaddafi Stamp Collection!
Moral of the story: Gaddafi is a douche and there is no way in hell David Letterman would ever hire me to write one of his top ten lists!Editorial: Why We Men Shouldn’t Use Condoms—A Thesis Borne From My Insipidness And, Of Course, My Hatred Of ChildrenA condom is my friend. That’s what I was taught to believe by my parents, my teachers, and sometimes even my pastor. But I think they were full of shit, just like when they told me eating glue would make me dumb. I’m 29, I have a degree, and other than sometimes getting words . . . stuck in my mouth, I turned out pretty well.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only lie they told me. As I grew older and eventually passed that mark of manhood—the one lying between having a fully developed dick and having fully developed pubes—they fed me yet another lie: children are also our friends. Supposedly, the end goal of it all is to have my own set of children and then raise them to be as big a loser as I am. Charming.
But they were all lies, man. Glue didn’t make me dumb and children aren’t my friends. And they aren’t yours either; they’re our enemies! Children are vapid little twits who leave puddles of drool big enough to spark a mass looting if only a couple New Orleaners were around; nibble on our spouses’ teats without having ever even taken them out to eat; and, worst of all, look to us to provide them with some sort of guidance. What are we . . . guidance counselors?
As far as I can tell, the real goal ought to be to reduce the number of children in this world—to drive them to extinction. Unfortunately, this goal will never be achieved so long as republicans have their way. You see, conservatives are so fond of children—“He’s so cute!” “He just said his first word!” “He just peed in my face!”—that they’ll do anything to promote their existence, including fight for a woman’s right to shut up and just give birth already.
And so I support abortion. It’s not that I believe a woman should have a choice whether or not to give birth, let alone a choice in anything else (don’t get me started on the remote control), but it’s more so because I hate children. However, neither my hatred for children nor the rising pro-choice movement will ever spur the gentle, child-loving hearts of scumbag republicans. So we have only one other choice—to make them hate children as much as we hate them.
To that end, we must throw aside our rubber condoms and start procreating nonstop, starting with now. Pull off your clothes, quickly locate a member of the opposite sex—even if it’s a relative (incest is tolerable in times of war)—and get to the task at hand: the viral reproduction of these undesirable entities we know as children. We must flood our country with millions of these greasy, tiny tater tots of flesh. It’s our duty, men.
Via our loins, let us fill every grocery store with the loud, high-pitched squeals of belligerent children; saturate every pair of Walmart diapers with the squalid ‘poo poo platter’ that is a child’s excrement, and furnish every adoption center and orphanage with what will one day be America’s next great generation of burglars, rapists, murderers, and grave robbers.
In time, even the most tenderhearted republican will break. It’s inevitable. In frustration and utter madness, not to mention baldness from having ripped out their hairs, they’ll finally give up their battle against abortion. And then, and only then, we will have won our battle against our enemy.
So, in summary, a condom isn’t our friend and, more importantly, children are our enemy. And the only way to rid the world of our enemy is to keep producing them until our other enemy, republicans, grow to hate them as much as we do.
Remember folks, to hate humans is human . . . but to hate children is divine!
Moral of the story #1: Maybe the only way to stop republicans from regulating vaginas is to fill the world up with so many annoying kids that even they can’t stand it anymore?Moral of the story #2: Why would someone who’s against abortion vote to defund an organization that promotes contraceptives!?Moral of the story #3: I’m an insensitive idiot, lol.Texas Man Crowned Most American AmericanThursday, April 7 was a special day for the residents of Houston, Texas. While legislators debated the budget, American soldiers climbed the banks of the Kabul River, and Glenn Beck donned a triangular hat, the residents of Houston congregated at the Rodeo Cowboy Bull Riding Stadium to celebrate the crowning of 34-year-old Jessie Loomis as this year’s most American American.
Raised in Houston by his corn-husking and cow-milking father, 34-year-old Jessie was chosen by the National Association of American Americans (NAAA) to be the recipient of this prestigious annual award as per his “dedication to everything that is American, including but not limited to eating greasy cheeseburgers, watching reruns of Hee Haw, and listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd over and over again.”
“Look, any schmuck can be an American, but it takes a true patriot—preferably of the Caucasian persuasion—to be an American American,” NAAA spokesman Mr. Ward Cletus told a crowd of 50,000 extremely obese people whose mouths were stuffed with chili cheese fries. “I’m talking about the type of feller who fears Jesus more than he do his 300-pound wife; who know how to make a confederate flag from nothing but a piece of cardboard, a stencil, and some crayons; and who can shoot a critter right in the eye from 30 miles away.”
He added, “And that’s exactly the type of man Jessie iz!”
In addition to being crowned, Jessie was also rewarded with a heavily used pair of blue jeans, a brand new Holy Bible, an analog television set with a complimentary pair of rabbit ears, and his very own 250-pound wife beater. Furthermore, he earned a four-day vacation to the Jerusalem of American Americans: Indy.
“I can’t tell you how good these here awards make me feel,” Jessie later told Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera, who in fact was the only reporter courageous enough to approach Mr. Loomis’s trailer, which is protected by three pitbulls, an enormous ‘NO TRESPASSING’ sign, and an extremely old, shotgun-wielding woman adorned in a purple muumuu.
“After spending most my life trying to find the perfect recipe for apple-pie-flavored hooch, making a list of everything they be selling at Walmart, and shaving my dear Mama’s hairy back—she the beautiful lady sitting on the makeshift porch—it’s good to know somebody finally recognized all my hard work.”
Unfortunately, this year’s celebration has been marred by controversy. Houston’s Hispanic residents, who represent approximately 37% of the city’s population, have been arguing that this year’s winner should have been Emilio Aguilar, a local Gulf War vet who volunteers twenty hours a week with disabled children, donates 25% of his pension to charity, and even directs his own mariachi band.
“Jessie sounds like a muy grande gringo, but what makes him more American than Emilio—a veteran who has dedicated his life to helping those in need, not to mention playing La Cucaracha?” Houston’s entire Hispanic community had written in a press release that still had a wet taco bell stain on its back by the time it reached the NAAA’s headquarters two days prior to Jessie’s crowning.
Though they made what many feel is a fair argument, what with Walmart-groupie Jessie having far less accomplishments than Emilio, the NAAA ultimately chose to ignore their concerns and instead proceed with their original plans. They did, however, reply with a press release in which they argued that “there’s a big difference between a Mexicant Do Shit American and a true patriot American American.”
It read: “The bottom line is that ya’ll just ain’t real American Americans. A real American American puts his family first, including in the bedroom. A real American American only drives a quality car, like a pickup. And, most importantly, a real American American looks just like George Washington, minus the wig and makeup.”
Upon receiving the reply, Houston’s entire Hispanic population laughed for twenty minutes straight, after which they forgot all about the stupid award and moved on with their awesome lives.
Moral of the story #1: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with living in a beautiful trailer park, listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd, or worshipping the ‘good Lord,’ but there is something very wrong with assuming this lifestyle is more American than that pursued by others—particularly Hispanics, Latinos, Columbians, and whatnot.Moral of the story #2: I love greasy cheeseburgers, I love delicious tacos, and I’ve been to Indy! My parents took me there with some family friends when I was a wee lad. It was incredibly boring to me, partially because I was too short to know what the hell was going on, but I was there, damnit :-)!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hope you folks enjoyed that! Next week, assuming I put in work, will not be as good. I had a lot of free time this week. My main job is basically falling apart (they have barely any work left) and my other main gig is just too boring to endure, so I wasted a lot of depressing hours reading and moping around this week. But I also spent some of it putting in a little extra work toward my satire. Next week, I have to force myself back into the grind (I’m not trying to go broke and homeless!!), so God knows what I’ll produce.
PS #1 I’m sorry to The Onion for stealing yet two more of your format styles. You know, this would be a lot easier for you guys if you just hired me. Hey man, I’m just trying to make YO LIFE easier!
PS #2 Shout out to K97.5 for broadcasting live at the STAR BAR! Their music helped keep me feeling fresh and alive as I finished up my writing! Ya’ll the best radio station in the world, bar none!
PS #3 Shout out to my penis for staying soft when I went to return them books to the library earlier this week. I know that librarian had you feeling fresh and shit, but you did good. You the best penis in the world, bar none! (LOL I’m sorry I’m an idiot)
PS #4 Shout to Morning Joe and there 1000+ guests. And a special shout out to the world’s oldest living being: Mike Barnicle! The man lived through the dinosaur age, and yet he doesn’t even need a crutch! Friggen amazing, man!
PS #5 So my hunt for the right woman just hasn’t been well at all. All the women who’ve contacted me thus far have been quite under par, man. Ladies, ladies, ladies, you have to do more than just juggle a ball with your boobs to win my heart. So to help you, I’ve teamed up with leading hiphop artist Ciara to develop a short little video clip that’ll give you the tools you need to get started on the journey toward my magnanimous heart. Yeah, I’m a great guy like that—I know!
Without further ado, I present our masterpiece:
By the way, not a single woman actually contacted me this week (I like to lie sometimes), but that’s not the point!!!!!!!!
