July 8th | Dreamin' (Big K.R.I.T.)

I chose this song in dedication to all the highly talented hiphop and r&b artists in the Carolinas who are aching to make it to the top. I feel ya’ll! I don’t rap because I, for the life of me, can’t rap worth shit, but I do write—and I too am dreamin’!

It feels like this shit will never happen, but hey, sometimes dreams really do come to fruition. The only way to make it happen, though, is through years and years of payin’ them dues and rising up through the trenches like UGK. Them cats grinded for damn near twenty years til they finally earned the top spot in 2007 with their album Underground Kingz.

Some of us will make it up to the top way quicker than that, while the rest of us will have to grind for years and perhaps even decades before our time arrives—if it ever does at all. No matter, though. The key is to never stop grindin’, for better or worse, cuz it’s get rich or die having tried your best up in this bitch. There ain’t no other options, and you’d best believe that.

I’m up out of here; 1!

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Anyway. Today I’m combining a political column with some animal/human-relations satire. Enjoy!

Quid Pro Quo — You Give Some, You Take Some

This week, President Barack unveiled a bipartisan deficit-reduction plan that tackles “entitlements” while also raising taxes on millionaires. It would slash the deficit by $4 trillion over the next 12 years by reducing spending on benefit programs like Social Security and Medicare, eliminating tax carve-outs and deductions, repealing the Bush-era tax cuts for millionaires and cutting defense spending. The goal is to address the long-term fiscal debt crisis via a solution that calls for sacrifice by all Americans, i.e., a Grand Bargain:

Revenue Increases + “Entitlement” Cuts + Defense Cuts + Marijuana Legalization

The latter wasn’t discussed in the original plan, but I think it would be beneficial to add it (angel face).

I’m very pleased with the president because he’s finally taken hold of the reins and begun to shine as a genuine leader. Numerous hardcore lefties are screaming foul, however, arguing that the crisis should be resolved strictly by raising taxes and fixing the healthcare system. Those arguing these talking points seem to have forgotten that the republicans control the house. Plus, let’s not forget that even with a democratic majority for two whole years, we were still unable to win the highly coveted public option.

Meanwhile, the hardcore righties are refusing to capitulate on taxes, on the basis that it would hurt the economy. They would rather lower high-income tax rates even further—while simultaneously ripping Social Security and Medicare into dust—because they believe this path would spur economic growth and inspire job creation. This argument holds absolutely no merit, however, because if tax cuts are directly related to job creation, then how do you explain the loss of jobs since the Bush-era tax cuts were enacted?

Look, our political climate is composed of various factions, including democrats and republicans. For us to ever achieve anything meaningful, both sides must engage in quid pro quo, in that each side must be willing to give some and take some. As a staunch liberal, I’d love to spout the same talking points as the hardcore lefties, but I know as a realist that both democrats and republicans must compromise—even if it means unleashing a slight dose of pain and misery on their constituents.

That said, I expect Obama to concede on entitlements only if and when the republicans quit their “no compromise” game. Until then, the right-wingers can suck on an egg. I realize this means risking defaulting on our debt, but I don’t give a damn anymore. Look, most of us have been broke b4, so I’m sure we’ll survive any potential “financial apocalypse.” But let’s see how well the republicans and their corporate buddies fare when the shit hits the fan and their financial accounts disintegrate into dust. I bet they’ll be on street corners begging for change while the rest of us continue stackin’ that hood wealth like we playin’ Tetris! (and yeah, you can quote on me on that!)



Kids Dragged To Funeral Of Cougar That Was Shot For Killing Family On Vacation

Gardiner, MT—Hundreds of parents and grandparents marched their kids and/or grandkids through Yellowstone National Park on the afternoon of Thursday, July 6 to pay their respects to a poor, innocent fully-grown cougar who was inhumanely shot to death a day earlier for merely maiming, killing and eating a stupid-ass family that was on vacation, and to inject their children with measured doses of seething self-hatred.



“It saddens my heart to know that we as a species have become so vicious that we would so callously extinguish such a beautiful and angelic spirit—one that could never do any harm—just because it did a tiny bit of harm,” said Geraldine Beckham, a 52-year-old mother of three and grandmother of two who traveled over 2,000 miles overnight from Arlington, West Virginia with her grandkids, Moesha and Thomas, to teach them about mankind’s evil nature.

“It’s important that they recognize from an early age that we humans are nothing but just a bunch of mindless, resource-consuming predators who take, take and take from Mother Nature without ever giving anything back—unlike this poor cougar, whose poop I’m sure will be missed by countless, now-starving dung beetles.”

Moesha and Thomas had great difficulty accepting their grandmother’s wisdom at first, but after seeing the poor, innocent cougar’s lifeless body—which, out of respect, had been adorned in a trophy necklace composed of the plucked-out teeth of all the humans it had killed and placed in a solid, 14-karat gold plated casket lined with blue velvet—the two were so moved that they broke into tears and promised their grandmother that they’d “never ever” forget how evil they are.

The two weren’t alone in their sentiment, as hundreds of other children took the message that their parents and grandparents were trying to instill in them to heart. Some followed Moesha and Thomas’s lead by making a speech, while others put together skits and plays, sang songs and danced. One honorable young lad, 8-year-old Ryan Richie, was so inspired by all the performances that he stripped off all his clothes and sacrificed himself to a really friggen hungry-ass bear.

“It blows me away to know that my young boy was finally listening for a change,” said Ryan’s mother, Linda Jackson, a 43-year-old mother of four and a longtime PETA activist who has dedicated her life to making humans feel like shit to make up for the one time her puppy was run over by a “drunk on evil” driver thirty years ago. “It’s regrettable that my little Ry Ry was too stubborn to heed the words of Jesus or do his damn chores, but, by golly, at least he knew deep in his heart just how worthless he was in the grand scheme of things.”

Unfortunately, the serene festivities came to a tragically early halt approximately an hour before their scheduled conclusion due to the raucous protests of Jack McLougglin, a 24-year-old college student from the University of Portland who drove to the funeral with his girlfriend Lauren to protest what he felt was some seriously backwards-ass shit.

“Man, what the flying f**k is wrong with you people?” Jack yelled at the crowds of parents and kids as his girlfriend Lauren waved her right-hand index finger at them in an extremely self-righteous way.

“We’re not the ones to blame here! This cougar took the lives of Keenan Heidebrink, his wife Amy and their three children, Cornelius, Erwin and Marlana! Where’s their funeral? And yeah, I know it was just mindlessly defending itself from what it felt was a threat, but that doesn’t excuse it for what it did, and it certainly doesn’t make us liable. So shut the f**k up and get a grip!”

Mark continued with his lunatic-like rants and raves until a mob of enraged parents and kids finally jumped him, dragged him and his girlfriend off the stage and fed them to the aforementioned still really-friggen-hungry-ass bear.

“I hate people like that,” said Dwight Johnson, a 56-year-old father of two who helped participate in the plot to feed the bear with Jack and Lauren’s evil limbs. “You know, we’re out here trying to educate our children and teach them just a little damn thing about the cycle of life—like the way we suck and everything else, including flies and cougars, are so much better than us—and here comes an asshole and his loose as a goose girlfriend to ruin it.”

Thankfully, Jack and Lauren’s ridiculous words had no effects on the kids, as is evident by the brilliantly said words of Geraldine’s granddaughter, Moesha:

“I’m going to sacrifice myself to feed that still hungry bear.”

Upon hearing what Moesha said, Geraldine cried . . . she cried tears of joy.

Moral of the story: After a man was killed earlier this week by a bear in Yellowstone National Park, the comments that littered the web showed more concern for the stupid-ass bear’s well-being than for the man who was killed. And well, that annoyed me.

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I’ve been working so hard as hell to complete all of the above that I don’t have time for my customary PS notes. Instead, I’m going to sign off with some of that country shit:

“Let me tell you bout this
Super fly dirty dirty
Third coast muddy water
Shawty pop that p***y if ya wanna
Let me tell you bout this
Old school pourin' lean
Candied yams and collard greens
Pocket fulla stones ridin' clean
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Country country shit”



Note - I’m not from the country, and I sure as hell can’t stand collard greens, gizzards and liver (eghhhhhhhhk), but I love me some country hiphop!

July 1st | I’m On One (DJ Khaled feat Drake, Rick Ross, Lil Wayne)

Evening. This week I’m going to attempt a satire comeback. I’ve lost a huge chunk of my ability because, well, being a good satirist requires continual mental exercise, but I haven’t given up altogether . . . or at least not yet.

Regardless, I don’t know how long I’ll keep it up because, like Drake, I too only care about money:

“All I care about is money and the city that I’m from
I’ma sip until I feel it, I’ma smoke it till it’s done
And I don’t really give a f-ck, and my excuse is that I’m young
And I’m only getting older so somebody shoulda told ya.”

FYI – It’s just a saying. I don’t actually just care about money! I also care about paper, dye and cotton!

Speaking of money, my main satire is going to be a direct attack on the GOP. This post will likely get flagged regardless of what I write, so I decided to go at it all the way. The truth is that not only do I disagree with the GOP on social and financial issues, but I also despise them. That said, I feel like expressing that frustration through some good ol’ satire—or my attempt at satire (it’s going to be very, very stale!)

HOORAH!

Brief News: Stupid-Ass Neighborhood Dog Barks At God

Austin, Texas— An annoying, piece-of-shit dog known throughout the Austin neighborhood of Liberty Hill as Buster likes to bark at anything, be it human, animal, alien or rock—yes, I said rock. As of late Thursday afternoon, it appears that Buster even likes to bark at God!



“I was just hanging out in my living room yesterday around 5:30pm, drinking some brown ale and relaxing from a hard day at work, when suddenly the door flew open and God—friggen God, man—walked in,” Buster’s owner, Darrian Bartholomew, told reporters. “The next thing I know, Buster is all up in his face barking like a jackass.”

“It’s like WTF dude? Nobody barks at God!”

According to God’s secretary, a heavenly day laborer by the name of Jesus (not to be confused with Jesus Christ), God was at the time paying Darrian a visit to tell him to “shut his dog the f**k up.” The visit was prompted by the nonstop complaints that have been flooding his office regarding the incessant barking.

“We got angels, dead spirits and even friggen demons sending us telepathic complaints about this bullshit all the time!” Jesus explained. “Straight-up dude . . . you know shit is bad when even Satan-worshipping demons are asking for God’s help!”

The last thing God expected from the visit, however, was to be personally barked at by the accused mutt. According to both Darrian & Jesus, God grew so enraged that he literally “kicked Buster’s ass straight to purgatory.”

In Related News: Stupid-Ass Dog Barks At Satan

Moral of the Story: This piece was designed to make fun of barking dogs. There just happen to be a shitload of them in my current neighborhood. In fact, last weekend, I came outside in the middle of the night to have a smoke, and there was a dog about a mile away barking like crazy. I came back outside 30 minutes later and he was still barking! LOL!

Brief Image: Man Who Enjoys Torturing Flies To Death Claims To Not Be A Sadist

Raleigh, NC—Capital city native William Denison absolutely hates flies—so much so that he invested in 500 Big Bag Fly Traps just so that he could capture thousands of flies, pull apart their limbs one by one and then cook their limbless but still alive bodies in a microwave.



“Look, I’m not some sadist who enjoys scaring dogs, roasting ants or blowing up frogs—except on July 4th, of course—but when it comes to flies, it’s a totally different matter altogether,” Williams told reporters, while staring at his latest batch of captured flies with eyes alight. “Flies have no respect whatsoever for social boundaries; even after you swap at them, they keep coming back, buzzing, buzzing and buzzing around your eyes, nose and mouth.”

“And frankly, after years of being constantly disrespected by them, I snapped!”

William has, in fact, already killed slightly over 12,000 flies this month alone . . . and it’s only July 2nd! His neighbors appreciate his efforts, for the most part, though there are few church-going folks in the neighborhood who’re scared to death of him.

“It’s quite sad, really,” William commented. “I’m into catching and torturing flies until they die in pain and agony.”

He continued, “What’s so scary about that?!”

Moral of the story: I hate flies!

The American People Protest The GOP’s Tendency To Cite The American People

Washington, DC—The American people congregated en masse outside Capitol Hill early Friday morning to publicly decry Republican politicians incessant use of the phrase, “the American people.” Among those who participated were whites, blacks, Asians, Latinos, homosexuals, transgendered peoples, young people, old people, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Satanists, atheists and a dog named Fluffy.



“I am fed up with every republican politician using the phrase ‘the American people’ to emphasize their bullshit talking points,” said Leonna Miller, the black, atheist lesbian woman who organized the event. “Sorry to break it to them, but they don’t represent me, my spouse, my friends, my parents or even my friggen dog!”

A political aficionado who lives, breaths and practically eats politics, Miss Miller was inspired to arrange the protest after hearing Speaker of the House John Boehner, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell defend their refusal to tackle corporate welfare on the basis that it would go against the wishes of “the American people.”

“What a load of crap!” Leonna barked at reporters, waving her fists in the air in anger.

“Everybody I know wants—in fact, demands—that Congress reform the tax code by eliminating loopholes, cutting subsidies and increasing the corporate tax rate,” Leonna continued. “So when it comes to the supposed ‘American people,’ I don’t know who the bloody hell these GOP pigs are referring to because they sure as hell don’t represent anybody that I know.”

“Plus, nineteen polls conducted this year alone by various organizations such as the New York Times and NBC News all confirm that the majority of Americans support slicing corporate welfare!”

Others at the protest echoed Leonna’s concerns about taxes, while also making mention of additional issues such as the republicans’ stance on abortion, gay rights, environmentalism and the Dream Act, not to mention their outright hatred for foreign films, yoga, nude yoga, atheists, Muslims who wear turbans and the WNBA.

The protesters also admitted that they don’t necessarily represent every American.

“Obviously, we 50,000 or so protesters can’t speak for everybody in this great nation of ours,” said Rachel Jackson, Leonna’s unofficial spouse. “But I believe strongly in my heart that, at the very least, we are more representative of this nation than those few who follow the GOP, in that we’re composed of various races, ethnicities, religions and even species, while the GOP fans tend to fit within a slightly more narrow and limited spectrum of people.”

Many protesters were also concerned with what they feel is the GOP’s desire to subvert democracy to achieve what they want—which, they claim, is a non-secular, Christian nation whose citizens aren’t governed by laws acquired through debates of reason & logic, but rather via religious dogmatism, corporate manipulation and fear.

“This sounds a bit ridiculous, but it’s almost as if they want to turn America into some sort of ‘utopia’ dominated by shotgun-wielding militias and virgin zombies who bow without question to their greedy, private-jet-loving corporate overlords and put religious insanity and simpleton dialogue over science and intellectualism,” Leonna said, shaking her head in dismay. “That’s obviously an exaggeration, but just look at all the things they’re trying to do across the country: subvert women’s right to obtain an abortion, subvert homosexuals’ right to marry and fight for their country, subvert public workers’ right to unionize and even subvert dogs’ right to good, quality food!”

Speaking of dog food, the most vocal protester was no other than Leonna’s own dog, Fluffy, an extremely hungry and horny chihuahua who claims that the GOP’s refusal to curb Wall Street’s rampant speculation has caused prices for his favorite food, Nutro Natural Choice, to rise. This in turn has caused Leonna to switch to “stinkin’ Pedigree.”

“I’ve gone from feeling energetic and full of life to suffering from constant fatigue and diarrea!” Fluffy barked, wagging his tail at lightening-fast speed. “Other dogs say that that’s just life, but I blame the republicans, damnit!”

Realistically, though, the protesters are well aware that their efforts are in vain, as the GOP isn’t likely to change its stance just because of a few loudmouths. Regardless, they intend to continue protesting on the basis that it is better to fight and get nowhere than to not even try fighting at all.

Moral of the story: The GOP does not represent me OR MY DOG in the slightest way!

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That’s it. It certainly wasn’t my best work, but it wasn’t my worst either. I hope to continue writing satire. It’s a very difficult task and frankly, I’m not very good at it! Talent is the ability to come up with “Super Mario Boners” (good job, Sam!). What I do is more like some Amateur Night at the Apollo shit. I hate to admit it, but unless I get a dose of talent directly from God himself, I don’t think I’ll ever be famous, let alone successful. And yeah, I’m throwing a pity party!



PS #1. If Ron Paul wasn’t so got damn crazy, he would be a great candidate. He has great social views, but we need laws and government, dude! Need government to keep our water safe so we don’t get diarrhea! We need government to manage foreign relationships! We need government to handle sewage and waste! If I want a product or service, I’ll go to a corporation, but when it comes to education, healthcare and about every other damn thing on Earth, I trust my government. And if I’m a fool for that, so be it, but at least I’m a patriotic fool!

PS #2. There exists a summer/winter paradox. It’s too hot for my dog to run in the summer, so I jog while she walks speedily beside me. It’s too cold for me to run in the winter, so I bike while she runs ultra-fast beside me. She’s gaining weight right now and falling a bit apart, but the same thing will happen to me when winter comes around again. She loves winter because she can run ultra fast without getting overheated. Have no fear, lady, because your time shall return again!

PS #3. I hate my dog. She sheds so f**king much. You have no idea how much dog hair I accidentally eat! No matter how much I deshed and brush her, her hair still ends up everywhere—on my clothes, in my food and in my beverages. I’m not supposed to shave her breed (shepherd/husky), but I’m hella tempted right now. I’m just so fed up with all the hair. I’m a heterosexual guy… I don’t like hair! GRRR!

PS #4. Be sure to cast your vote for the Carolina Music Awards, which bestows honor on North Carolina’s finest hip-hop males & females, hip-hop groups, rock n roll males & females, rock n roll bands, r&b males and females, r&b groups, country males & females, country bands and more!

PS #5. “I’m On One” remix: “I Owe One.”

“

June 24th | Grind'N (Dom Kennedy)

Evening, folks.

I’ve been working extremely hard this week because money is ultra tight right now, so this will be an extra-short post. I usually only work 4.5 to 5 days a week, but this week I opted to put in close to 6 full days of work. Phew. It sucks, but it won’t suck so much next week when I get paid AND get another dose of e-cigarette commissions! My plans? Buy a new pair of headphones and books, books and more books! I LOVE BOOKS! Speaking of which . . .

The Magic of Twilight | Book 1 of the Nessantico Cycle

First of all, this book has nothing whatso friggen ever to do with vampires. It is, in the words of New York Times bestselling author George R. R. Martin, “a delicious mélange of politic, war, sorcery and religion.”

It centers around the holdings of Nessantico, a collection of states ruled by the Kralijica (Empress) and Archigos (Pope) of Nessantico City. The word secular doesn’t really exist in the Nessantico holdings, as everything is tied to the Concenzia Faith—including magic, or what they refer to as the Illmodo.

It is the belief of the teni (priests) of Concenzia that the Illmodo can only be channeled through faith. There are others, though, namely the Numetodo, who claim to be able to channel the Illmodo through reason and logic. It is the hope of the Kralijica and Archigos to eventually convert the Numetodo to the faith through non-violent ways. Others lack the patience for this method, however.

In particular, the leader of the a’teni (those directly beneath the Archigos), a’teni Orlandi ca’Cellibrecca, and the leader of the state of Firenzcia, Jan ca’Vorl, scheme to overtake the Archigos and Kralijica, respectively, so as to usher in a new age of true dedication—one based strictly on the crude teachings of the Divolonte, a loose collection of manmade rules and regulations by which the faith is governed. Their goal is to literally kill off all the nonbelivers, including the Numetodo, whom they deem as a threat to Concenzia.

The irony is that it is in fact the Toustour (kind of like a Bible) that speaks Cenzi’s (God’s) true words. Sadly, those like the ca’Cellibrecca and ca’Vorl are quick to quote the Divolonte’s archaic rules when defending their actions.

Sound interesting? Below is my favorite extended-quote from the book:

Warning: It may seem really long, but it really isn’t.

“You’ve never been to the western borders? Never crossed the Strettosei to Hellin or the Isle of Paeti?” Cu’Rudka shoot his head. “If you had,” Karl continued, “you might understand. Ah, the Isle . . . There’s not a greener, more lush and more varied country in the world. And there, Commandant, where a dozen cultures have come and gone, we understand that ‘different’ isn’t a synonym for ‘wrong.’ There are many ways to learning the truth of how the world works, Commandant. The Concenzia Faith is just one. It’s just not the one, not the only way. I have seen things . . .” He stopped, shaking his head. The motion rattled the chains around his hands and caused the guards to glance into the cell again. “You would probably have me flayed for telling you,” he said.

Ca’Rudka had turned back into the room, leaning against the wall by the balcony. “If I wanted to flay you, Vajiki, I would have already done it, and for less provocation. Tell me.”

Karl licked his lips. “My parents lived on the eastern coast of the Isle. They were of the Faith, and they brought me up to believe in Cenzi. They read the Toustour to me; they followed the precepts of the Divolonte. When I became a young man, though, I had the wanderlust and I traveled with a company of traders beyond the Isle to what you call the Westlands, past the green mountains on the borders of Hellin. That trip opened my eyes and my mind. There, out in a flat plain of grasses that stretched like a waving ocean from horizon to horizon, I saw a city that could have easily held three Nessanticos, grand and glorious, with enormous buildings like stepped mountains on top of which their priests held their ceremonies, with buildings of cut stone that gleamed in the sun, while canals glittered with sweet water alongside avenues wider than the Avi. The people there wore clothing of a fabric I’d never seen before, bright and smooth to the touch, a cloth that let the breezes flow through to keep you cool in the heat. And at night—Commandant, they city glowed with magefire brighter than the Avi. They used your Illmodo, too, though they didn’t call it either ‘Illmodo’ or ‘Scath Cumhacht,’ nor did they worship Cenzi, who they considered just another God among many. But they could shape the Second World as well as any of the teni. That, Commandant, is when my own faith began to waver.”

“Perhaps it was a test,” ca’Rudka answered without emotion. “One that you failed.”

“That’s what the teni on the Isle told me later.” Karl shrugged. “The traders I traveled with said that there were even greater cities, farther west and south, all the way to the shore of the Western Sea two hundred days’ or more march from where we were. They said that they were part of an empire larger, richer, and more powerful than the Holdings. I don’t necessarily believe those stories—I know as well as you that travelers’ tales grow with each telling, and that it’s our nature to make ourselves sound more like great adventurers than simple tourists. But this city . . . I saw it with these eyes, and I’ve never seen its like anywhere else. I know this, Commandant: there are more mysteries in this world than the Concenzia Faith will allow you to believe.”

Ca’Rudka smiled indulgently at the long speech. “Sometimes, to young eyes, the small looks larger than it is. I would think that if such a great empire exists beyond the Hellin Mountains, we would have met its armies or at least its envoys when we came to the Hellins. I may not have been there myself, but I met the Governor of the Hellins when he was last in Nessantico, and he said that the nations there were little more than savages.”

“He sees them with the wrong eyes, them,” Karl answered. “Like looking through the stained glass of the temple, he doesn’t see the true colors beyond.”

“And you do? I find that rather arrogant, Envoy ci’Vliomani. It surprises me to find that quality in you.”

“We all have colored glasses through which we view the world, Commandant,” Karl answered. “Our society and our upbringing and our experiences place the glass before us, with the Numetodo no less than the Concenzia Faith. I don’t deny that. But I think we Numetodo have more shades of color from which to choose and that, as result, we are closer to the truth.”



I highly recommend it. And oh, the main character is a sexy, brown-skinned teni known as Ana cu’Seranta.

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PHEW! If that ain’t fire, then I don’t know what is!

PS #1. To hell with Lulzsec. I didn’t mind them screwing with Fox a little or stealing files from corrupt governments, but I don’t f**king appreciate them messing with the lives of innocent Americans, including officers of the law. That they released 60,000 logins and passwords for random people’s Facebook, Twitter and WoW accounts was bad enough. Now they’ve released confidential information regarding hundreds of Arizona’s finest. That irritates me.

I’m not a fan of Arizona’s law either, because I believe it’s morally wrong. By the same token, I feel that Lulzsec’s actions are just as reprehensible, if not more so. And yeah, I’m not afraid to say it, though I do want to take a brief moment to offer Lulzsec a one-on-one message…

PLEASEEEEEEEEE DON’T HACK ME! PRETTY PLEASE DON’T HACK ME! I’LL SUCK YO **** IF YOU DON’T HACK ME!

On a more serious note, I hope all the “I bench press 60-pound” twads from Lulzsec get caught, arrested and then anally raped by a big, possibly-black guy named Darnell (or Donald).

PS #2. WHITEY WENT DOWNNNNNNNNNNNNN, FOO’! (nuff said!)

PS #3. Please start paying attention to the friggen news if you don’t understand PS #2., lol.

PS #4. Shout out to Raleigh’s own, JuStyle Entertainment, for their latest video, Put My Hands On You, which, I would like to note, is worthy of being on 106 n Park, without a doubt! The video quality is amazing, the lyrics are just what the bitches *cough* I mean females *cough* like and the beat is pretty hot.

PS #5. If the Onion doesn’t get a Pulitzer, I will track down every friggen person on the Pulitzer board—Danielle Allen, Jim Amoss, Randell Beck, Lee C. Bollinger, Kathleen Carroll, Joyce Dehli, Junot Diaz, Thomas L. Friedman, Paul Gigot, Sig Gissler, David M. Kennedy, Nicholas Lemann, Ann Marie Lipinski, Gregory L Moore, Eugene Robinson, Paul Tash, Jim VandeHei and Keven Ann Willey—tie them up, pull out my dick and then make them pull it til I have an orgasm.

pEaCe n 1

FINAL PS – For some odd reason, whenever I orgasm, I utter the word “Sir.” Hmm…

(Let me explain this for the idiots who now think I’m gay. I’m making them PULL IT. And I say SIR when I orgasm. PULL + IT + SIR = PULL IT SIR = Pulitzer. Jesus friggen Cenzi, you guys are some real dingbats!)

June 17th | Only God Can Judge Me (2Pac) [Happy 40th Birthday]

Wasup, folks. I had a pretty damn good week, and I hope ya’ll did as well! I got a bit of shit on my mind, so I feel like expressing it.

WackyVille

This has been one wacky-ass week in the political hemisphere:

Rick Perry thinks he’s a prophet.

Anthony Weiner’s career has officially come to an end.

President Obama realized it’s hard to maintain a Puerto Rican accent.

Rush Limbaugh totally dissed conservative women by saying they're "inclined to vote on superficial and emotional things first." (Daps @ Limbaugh, j/k)

A Tampa-based Tea Party group (Tampa 912 Project) is holding a summer camp to educate children on the benefits of gold, teach them about the lack of freedom in Europe and, of course, show them how sharing is a form of Socialism.

The GOP is trying to terminate programs that help low-income and middle class families, not to mention low-income senior citizens. Meanwhile, the Appropriations Committee is about to approve a $649 billion increase in defense spending.

According to various studies—I am way too lazy to list out all my sources right now—corporate profits have been going up while workers' share of national income has been going down. In addition, corporate tax revenues represent only 1.3% of the GDP.

On Thursday at the Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans, Newt Gingrich said that President Barack Obama is a “natural, secular European Socialist” who doesn’t believe in freedom—to which a deluded woman in the crowd replied, “YES!”

Conservative SuperPAC Turn Right USA released an extremely racist and offensive political ad that suggests that LA Democratic congressional candidate Janice Hahn supports gangbanging merely because she supported a program that trains reformed gang members on how to prevent gang violence. The video also insulted all true hiphop fans by suggesting loud music, deep beats and booty-shaking hoes equate to ignorance and violence.

My response to all this—and this was just a tiny, tiny list of all that’s occurring—is quite simple, really:



The King of Corny vs The King of Darkness

It has come to my attention this week that Mitt Romney is a corny dork. In fact, he may even be the King of Corny, though I’m willing to go head-to-head against him for that title. Regardless, here’s an example of what I mean:

Romney’s attempt at a joke—“I saw the young man over there with eggs Benedict, with hollandaise sauce,” he said. “And I was going to suggest to you that you serve your eggs with hollandaise sauce in hubcaps. Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.”

What in the bloody hell does that mean!? Was he meaning to make hollandaise sound like holidays!? I’m so friggen lost…

Anyway. Romney’s awkward demeanor is somewhat endearing to me, personally, because I too am a corny idiot. And the fact that he was able to get married and have kids as a corny dork provides me with a great deal of inspiration.

HOWEVER… there’s another side to Romney: DARTH Romney.

As the former CEO of Bain Capital, Romney profited as five of the companies under his firm’s control went bankrupt and fired thousands of workers.

This is how the New York Post characterized his actions:

“The former private equity firm chief's fortune—which has funded his political ambitions from the Massachusetts statehouse to his unsuccessful run for the White House in 2008—was made on the backs of companies that ultimately collapsed, putting thousands of ordinary Americans out on the street. That truth if it becomes widely known could become costly to Romney, who, while making the media rounds recently, told CNN's Piers Morgan that "People in America want to know who can get 15 million people back to work," implying he was that person.

Romney's private equity firm, Bain Capital, bought companies and often increased short-term earnings so those businesses could then borrow enormous amounts of money. That borrowed money was used to pay Bain dividends. Then those businesses needed to maintain that high level of earnings to pay their debts.”

And according to a 2007 article by the Los Angeles Times, “From 1984 until 1999, Romney led Bain Capital, a Boston-based private equity group that earned jaw-dropping profits through leveraged buyouts, debt hedge funds, offshore tax havens and other financial strategies. In some cases, Romney's team closed U.S. factories, causing hundreds of layoffs, or pocketed huge fees shortly before companies collapsed.”

My point is that Romney’s façade is starting to fade away, which is ironic since his appeal among republicans is gradually beginning to rise. It just goes to show how different liberals and conservatives are—as we liberals start to dislike someone, conservatives start to like the same person, and vice versa.



The Perpetual Noob (Dedicated To The Kids)

‘Noob’ is an online gaming term used to describe players who are new to a game. That they don’t know how to properly use all the available controls to devastate their opponents is abundantly clear to everyone else—ergo, they’re friggen noobs, and they get called out for it. It’s essentially a pejorative used to make fun of “losers” (I realize the irony here) whose first-person shooting skills suck.

What really sucks, however, is that I am the perpetual noob. Though I’ve been playing multiplayer video games since like forever—dude, I used to play Quake 1 deathmatches while listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers (“Give it away, give it away, give it away now!”)—I still suck at them because I’m a clumsy, mental reject. To this day, I still get owned on every damn multiplayer game I play, including Boxhead Bounty Hunter.

Yeah… it sucks ass constantly getting called a “noob” by diaper-wearing, mommy’s-boob-sucking 12-year-olds.

Just remember, you little bastards: I may be a noob, but at least I ain’t no friggen virgin, you no-pube-having punkasses!



Grow A Pair Or Get A Strap-On!

I really like the writing of Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz, two sarcastic broads who work for Stuff Hipsters Hate, Mashable.com, Psychology Today and sometimes even CNN.com. Their writing is intelligent and witty. More importantly, Brenna and Andrea both possess what I like to refer to as a nerdgina—which, by the way, is my favorite type of vagina, though the silicone lining on the lips does kind of freak me the f**k out.

Unfortunately, many CNN.com viewers are too stuck up their unkempt asses to appreciate such fine parody and satire. Just this past week the pair of psycho dames submitted a piece entitled, “Apps for Socially Awkward People.” The premise was to offer social freaks viable solutions while also making fun of them. I found it to be hilarious and even slightly useful. However, everybody else felt differently—especially a feller named Luke:

“This is not funny at all. Having social aversion is not fun in the slightest and making a mockery of it is disgusting. It is a burden that causes isolation and depression. As someone who finds social situations difficult, I can tell you that you are 100% wrong in what you think "social awkward" people are. We aren't badly dressed any more than others. We aren't incapable of scanning the room for people we know, in fact I think I have become really adept at that, because we normally fell more comfortable around people we know.

You two sick, immature, and juvenile. Grow up. You two are actually some of the problem, because people who make fun of people (bullying) causes people (especially children) to introvert and become troubled.”

That reply irritated me. I understand that the chap has emotional problems, but there’s a difference between acting like a jerk, which is what he was doing, and writing something we in the business like to call satire or parody.

Look, I’ve lived all my life with Asperger Syndrome, Social Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so I know what it feels like to be teased. However, as a grown-ass man with a brain, I’m capable of differentiating between purposefully painful insults and well-intentioned satire/parody. More importantly, I’m strong enough inside to deal with sometimes being offended without throwing a Soulja-Boy-like fit.

Every single week I’m offended or teased in some way, shape or form, but I deal with it and move on. Yeah, I get angry, but then I reflect and write about it in a way that expresses my emotions while also entertaining my audience. That’s how I cope. My question is—how do you cope, Luke?

Anyway. The bottom line is that I take satire extremely seriously—which is why I laugh so hard at it—so I get really annoyed when dorks like Luke Gaywalker throw a pity party every single friggen time Brenna Ehrlich (the cute one) and Andrea Bartz (the potential lesbian one; grow the hair out, girlfriend!) submit one of their brilliant pieces to CNN.com.

That said, I have a message to all the mental rejects out there incapable of appreciating quality satire: grow a pair! And if you can’t do that, then maybe you should consider buying some heartily sized strap-ons!





Move over purple-overall-teacher lady, cuz I think I’m getting a new crush! But this time I’m crushing on two women at once. This will be my first-ever threesome crush! Friggen awesome!

Too Food Cool For School

I’ve never been a food guy. Whereas true food aficionados watch Food TV, I prefer the drama of Chef Gordan Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen: “Learn to cook, you stupid, fat worthless bitch!” Lately, however, I’ve been starting to better appreciate the fine intricacies of cooking a meal, courtesy of my Mom.

I started baking drumsticks a few months ago, but I quickly grew bored of the taste, as well as all the work involved. Then, upon my parent’s recent visit, my Mom taught me how to cook chicken curry. It’s an über-healthy meal chockablock with protein but almost entirely void of fat. I eat it every single day, except on Friday and Saturday, of course.

The beauty is that there are so many ways to tweak the design of my meal. Sometimes I use onions; others times I use onion powder or minced onions. The alterations seem so minute, yet they completely change the way the curry tastes. And I’ve just begun exploring, in that I have yet to try different powders and spices. It’s really quite an amazing journey.

Since I’m a loudmouth braggart who loves to share his exploits, I’ve decided to let ya’ll in on this amazing recipe.

Cut approximately 2 pounds of lean chicken breast meat into tiny pieces.
Put 2 to 4 tbs. of oil in a pot and set the stove on medium height.
Chop an onion in half, grind it up (I prefer a blender) and then sauté it in the oil for approximately a minute.
Add 2 tbs. tomato paste.
Add 1 tbs. minced garlic.
Add 2 tbs. curry powder.
Add salt and pepper.
Mix for a minute.
Add the meat and then let it chill for 30 minutes, though occasionally stirring is helpful.
Add a bunch of chopped up parsley or cilantro and then let it chill for another 10 minutes.

[ You can use more onions if you want, but I think it's gross like that. I'm thinking about trying diced tomatoes to add that American style to it. You can also use chili powder, if you're so inclined (I sure as hell ain't). ]

Put that shit on some rice and then add some other components to the meal: salad with lightweight dressing, low-fat cottage cheese, a cup of orange juice, etc.

BOOM. You’z done, son! You got an über-healthy meal that has barely any fat, yet is full of protein, nutrients, minerals and vitamins.

Best of all, it tastes terrific!



Farewell Tribute To Weiner















I’ll miss you, Weiner. And to express the feelings I have inside of me right now (wipes a tear from eyes), I wrote a song just for you. I’d like to sing it to you right now…

Lalalalalala (testing voice)

Here we go…

I wish I had Anthony Weiner’s weiner
That is what I truly wish
Cause if I had Anthony Weiner’s weiner
All the girls would be in love
Oh all the girls would be in love
Every girl would be in love with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading. pEaCe.

PS #1. Twitter is becoming exceedingly popular! Unfortunately, I’m just not able to get into it. I completely respect it as a medium, but as a writer, I cannot limit myself to 140 char—even with acronyms, abbreviations and initialisms! It’s too bad, because I’m missing out. It’s blowing up like a balloon!

PS #2. I see some very beautiful MILFs while jogging. Many of them are a bit chubby and wrinkled like a raisin, but that’s normal for their age. It’s not normal for women my age, however, which is why I’m so picky when it comes to love. Those who are already overweight in theirs 20s and 30s are likely to one day turn into giganotosaurus women—and that’s just not acceptable.

Of course, since I’m a shy and goofy pseudo-intellectual, I’m only able to attract women with extremely low standards (gotta love the irony). It doesn’t matter, though, because this cat ain’t settling. I’d rather die alone than ever do that. Hell, I’ve been alone for the majority of my life, so this shit ain’t nothing but a G thang to me. Some of you people who bounce from relationship to relationship might want to give it a try. It’ll do your mind good!

PS #3. This one extremely cute MILF smiled at me. What’s interesting is that she was with a guy who kind of resembled me. He was shorter, but he looked Indian. And he had glasses. And he was butt ugly (he’s like my real father or something). It really warms my heart to know that he and her might be an item. I just hope to God I don’t have to wait as long as he did!!!

PS #4. Check out this story about China:

"The unrest seems to belie the image of China as a bustling economy going from strength to strength, enriching the lives of millions across the country, especially in the industrial south. But the problem is many people feel they are not getting their fair share of the rapid growth."

China is killing us on education and infrastructure, both of which are incredibly important, but we’re still number one because we’re free. We’re one of those rare nations where you really can be whatever the f**k you want to be, whether others like it or not. Unfortunately, the ultra-right and ultra-religious movement wants to curb that. Geez… I’m really starting to sound like a liberal fanatic, LOL. (Hey Onion-->Make fun of me for that: liberal who hates fanatics is now a fanatic)

PS #5. I’m out of ideas and thoughts… Good night!

June 10th | Did It On 'Em (Nicki Minaj) [CASUAL BLOG]

Evening! Sorry, but there won’t be any satire this week as well. I’m very homesick right now. I miss my old home, I miss playing fetching fetch in my old backyard, I miss exploring the forest behind my old crib with my dog, I miss my private downstairs entrance, I miss sometimes getting crunk with my leeching homeboy Peter, I miss sometimes hanging out with my former 18-year-old roomie, I miss the ol’ gas-station attendants who knew my dog by name (except that one tall Arabian/African/SOMETHING guy who can’t speak or understand English worth a friggen dayum), I miss the old grocery store, I miss smoking indoors and I miss trying to steal a glance at that one chick who is now fading from memory.

You know what else I miss? WINTER! When it’s cold outside, you can wrap yourself in a coat. But when it’s hot outside, there’s naught you can do but let it burn, baby! And believe me when I say that I’m on fire! The only good thing about this is that I look quite sexy with a tan.

Anyway…

The Minority Report

I’m a minority, and I’ve always been a minority. It’s not because I’m not white or because I’m Asian; it’s because I’m an odd egg. I’m the Ugly Duckling’s cousin: Donald “WTF” Duck. I say “WTF” because many people who encounter me later ask, “What the f**k?” :-)

On a more serious note, being a minority is a bitch, but it’s a bitch with whom I’ve become quite intimate. I’ve been through a lot, you know—kindergarten (I repeated it!), high school, college and even DOC. Yet, regardless of my experiences, the fact that I’m a minority still haunts me.

When I first moved into a townhouse 2.5 years ago, I wasn’t too thrilled. I hated the home, I hated my neighbors and I hated the community. I was in a strange world, and I felt like my minority status was as conspicuous as a sore thumb. Through the years, however, I came to love it all:

multiracial groups of kids hanging out together;

obnoxious highschool boys meandering the sidewalks with their pants down low;

dealers dispensing bootlegged CDs at the gas station (it became more rare in the recent years, but still);

lacs n caprices rolling through the neighborhood with their speakers pumping bass like whoa;

and chocolate beauties swaying their butts left and right while walking to the store.

I’m very attracted to white women, but I find the almost-choreographed sway of a black woman’s ass to be quite fascinating. It’s an enigma!

I’m in a new community now, and I’m experiencing the same feelings all over again, but I feel like it’s even worse this time around. I just got called a dork earlier today because, unlike everybody else in the entire area, I like to match my hip-hop-styled clothes. EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON in a 25 mile radius prefers to wear brown shorts or pants, a dingy t-shirt and flip-flops (even the women!). I don’t care how they dress, but a few of them care about how I dress.

It’s frustrating. It’s really a different world out here—and I feel very alone. Going to the grocery store or just visiting the gas station feels so awkward. It’s certainly not a racial matter, because this community houses some black people as well. It’s more so that I’m a minority because I’m extremely different; I feel very out of place and out of whack. I miss my previous home. I miss the part of town (NE Raleigh) that was my home for over 5 years—since I came to Raleigh, in fact.

Sighs. I apologize for my whining, ranting and raving, but moving is difficult. The first few weeks passed fairly easily because I was just glad to feel stabilized. I had my weights, my computer, my cable and my weekend pizza. But now that those feelings have evaporated, I have to really confront the move—and I’m not happy with it at the moment. Mind you, it has nothing to do with my new home and roomie, both of which are awesome. Suffice it to say, it’s not you; it’s me! (LOL)

Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest. I wonder if any of my former neighbors miss me in the slightest bit. *Scoffs* The one chick I liked probably dances around naked every day in glee. Just remember—I’LL BE BACK! I don’t know how long it’ll take and when it’ll happen, but I’m coming back to NE Raleigh one day! That’s where my heart’s at, lady, so sorry!

Dirty, Stinking Weiner (Just Pull The Skin Back And Wash It Already, You Nasty F**k)

Weiner, Weiner, Weiner—how he disappoints me! Not only did his disgusting actions cause me to accidentally stumble on a picture of his rancid co*k on Google, which in turn led to me puke all over my own co*k (I was naked at the time because I had just got done watching the Daily Show), but it also hurt his absolutely stunning wife:



Dude, I understand cheating on an ugly wife—that’s just friggen common sense—but how the hell are you going to cyber-cheat on a babe like THAT (points to the picture above)!?

On a more serious note, I take umbrage to all the conservative Internet trolls painting liberals as a bunch of hypocrites. Frankly, I don’t care about sex scandals and I never have. The only reason I tuned in for this scandal, for that matter, is because the dude involved has the last name Weiner. To skip out on this would have been a pure sin.

The only people practicing hypocrisy are republican politicians. Folks like Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus and House Majority leader Eric Cantor are trying to exploit this scandal for political gain. They’re making Weiner out to be a monster, though they saw no reason for Senator David Vitter to resign after he admitted to hiring a hooker and repeatedly lying about it.

Meanwhile, most democrats have turned their back on Weiner, including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and even super-duper liberal mouthpiece Ed Schultz. Personally, I think they should stand up for him, but I don’t mind that they’re not because at least they’re remaining consistent and principled—which is more than I can say about other politicians.

I personally don’t give a rat’s ass that Vitter likes hoes (I do too!) or that Weiner thinks it GQ to get it on doggy style while watching the Daily Show (I’ve never done it, but I plan too). What I do mind is being called a lying hypocrite by people who trek in so much bullshit that they’re incapable of even acknowledging their own party’s hypocritical ways. I also don’t appreciate them referring to Weiner as a “filthy liar” and a “dirtbag.”

This is the same Weiner who stood up for the 9/11 Zadroga Act, aka the First Responders Bill. Let’s take a look at the great souls who voted AGAINST it:

Senate—

Lamar Alexander, REPUBLICAN, Tennessee.
John Barrasso, REPUBLICAN, Wyoming.
Robert Foster Bennett, REPUBLICAN, Utah.
Kit Bond, REPUBLICAN, Missouri.
Scott Brown, REPUBLICAN, Massachusetts.
Sam Brownback, REPUBLICAN, Kansas.
Jim Bunning, REPUBLICAN, Kentucky.
Richard Burr, REPUBLICAN, North Carolina.
Saxby Chambliss, REPUBLICAN, Georgia.
Tom Coburn, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma.
Thad Cochran, REPUBLICAN, Mississippi.
Susan Collins, REPUBLICAN, Maine.
Bob Corker, REPUBLICAN, Tennessee.
John Cornyn, REPUBLICAN, Texas.
Mike Crapo, REPUBLICAN, Idaho.
Jim DeMint, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina.
John Ensign, REPUBLICAN, Nevada.
Mike Enzi, REPUBLICAN, Wyoming.
Lindsey Graham, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina.
Chuck Grassley, REPUBLICAN, Iowa.
Judd Gregg, REPUBLICAN, New Hampshire.
Orrin Hatch, REPUBLICAN, Utah.
Kay Bailey Hutchison, REPUBLICAN, Texas.
Jim Inhofe, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma.
Johnny Isakson, REPUBLICAN, Georgia.
Mike Johanns, REPUBLICAN, Nebraska.
Mark Kirk, REPUBLICAN, Illinois.
Jon Kyl, REPUBLICAN, Arizona.
George LeMieux, REPUBLICAN, Florida.
Richard Lugar, REPUBLICAN, Indiana.
John McCain, REPUBLICAN, Arizona.
Mitch McConnell, REPUBLICAN, Kentucky.
Lisa Murkowski, REPUBLICAN, Alaska.
Jim Risch, REPUBLICAN, Idaho.
Pat Roberts, REPUBLICAN, Kansas.
Jeff Sessions, REPUBLICAN, Alabama.
Richard Shelby, REPUBLICAN, Alabama.
Olympia Snowe, REPUBLICAN, Maine.
John Thune, REPUBLICAN, South Dakota.
DAVID VITTER, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana.
George Voinovich, REPUBLICAN, Ohio.
Roger Wicker, REPUBLICAN, Mississippi.

House—

Robert Aderholt, REPUBLICAN, Alabama’s 4th District.
Rodney Alexander, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana’s 5th District.
Steve Austria, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 7th District.
Michele Bachmann, REPUBLICAN, Minnesota’s 6th District.
Spencer Bachus, REPUBLICAN, Alabama’s 6th District.
J. Gresham Barrett, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina’s 3rd District.
Joe Barton, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 6th District.
Melissa Bean, Democrat, Illinois’ 8th District.
Robert Marion Berry, Democrat, Arkansas’ 1st District.
Judy Biggert, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 13th District.
Brian P. Bilbray, REPUBLICAN, California’s 50th District.
Gus M. Bilirakis, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 9th District.
Rob Bishop, REPUBLICAN, Utah’s 1st District.
Marsha Blackburn, REPUBLICAN, Tennessee’s 7th District.
Roy Blunt, REPUBLICAN, Missouri’s 7th District.
John Boehner, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 8th District.
Jo Bonner, REPUBLICAN, Alabama’s 1st District.
Mary Bono Mack, REPUBLICAN, California’s 45th District.
John Boozman, REPUBLICAN, Arkansas’ 3rd District.
Charles W. Boustany Jr, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana’s 7th District.
Kevin Brady, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 8th District.
Bobby Bright, Democrat, Alabama’s 2nd District.
Paul C. Brown, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 10th District.
Henry Brown, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina’s 1st District.
Virginia “Ginny” Brown-Wiate, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 5th District.
Vern Buchanan, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 13th District.
Michael Burgess, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 26th District.
Dan Burton, REPUBLICAN, Indiana’s 5th District.
Steve Buyer, REPUBLICAN, Indiana’s 4th District.
Ken Calvert, REPUBLICAN, California’s 44th District.
Daye Camp, REPUBLICAN, Michigan’s 4th District.
John Campbell, REPUBLICAN, California’s 48th District.
Eric Cantor, REPUBLICAN, Virginia’s 7th District.
Shelly Moore Capito, REPUBLICAN, West Virginia’s 2nd District.
John Carter, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 31st District.
Bill Cassidy, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana’s 6th District.
Michael N. Castle, REPUBLICAN, Delaware At Large.
Jason Chaffetz, REPUBLICAN, Utah’s 3rd District.
Howard Coble, Repubican, North Carolina’s 6th District.
Mike Coffman, REPUBLICAN, Colorado’s 6th District.
Tom Cole, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma’s 4th District.
Michael K. Conaway, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 11th District.
Jim Cooper, Democrat, Tennessee’s 5th District.
Ander Crenshaw, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 4th District.
John Culberson, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 28th District.
Geoff Davis, REPUBLICAN, Kentucy’s 4th District.
Lincoln Diaz-Balart, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 21st District.
Mario Diaz-Balart, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 25th District.
Charles Djou, REPUBLICAN, Hawaii’s 1st District.
David Dreier, REPUBLICAN, California’s 26th District.
John J. Duncan Jr., REPUBLICAN, Tennessee’s 2nd District.
Vernon J. Elhers, REPUBLICAN, Michigan’s 3rd District.
Jo Ann Emerson, REPUBLICAN, Missouri’s 8th District.
Mary Fallin, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma’s 5th District.
Jeff Flake, REPUBLICAN, Arizona’s 6th District.
John Fleming, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana’s 4th District.
Randy Forbes, REPUBLICAN, Virginia’s 4th District.
Jeff Fortenberry, REPUBLICAN, Nebraska’s 1st District.
Virginia Foxx, REPUBLICAN, North Carolina’s 5th District.
Trent Franks, REPUBLICAN, Arizona’s 2nd District.
Elton Gallegly, REPUBLICAN, California’s 24th District.
Scott Garrett, REPUBLICAN, New Jersey’s 5th District.
Jim Gerlach, REPUBLICAN, Pennsylvania’s 6th District.
Phil Gingrey, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 11th District.
Louie Gohmert, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 1st District.
Bob Goodlatte, REPUBLICAN, Virginia’s 6th District.
Kay Granger, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 12th District.
Tom Graves, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 9th District.
Sam Graves, REPUBLICAN, Missouri’s 6th District.
Ralph M. Hall, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 4th District.
Gregg Harper, REPUBLICAN, Mississippi’s 3rd District.
Doc Hastings, REPUBLICAN, Washington’s 4th District.
Dean Heller, REPUBLICAN, Nevada’s 2nd District.
Jeb Hensarling, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 5th District.
Wally Herger, REPUBLICAN, California’s 2nd District.
Duncan D. Hunter, REPUBLICAN, California’s 52nd District.
Bob Inglis, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina’s 4th District.
Darrell Issa, REPUBLICAN, California’s 49th District.
Lynn Jenkins, REPUBLICAN, Kansas’ 2nd District.
Timothy V. Johnson, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 15th District.
Sam Johnson, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 3rd District.
Jim Jordan, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 4th District.
Steve King, REPUBLICAN, Iowa’s 5th District.
Jack Kingston, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 1st District.
John Kline, REPUBLICAN, Minnesota’s 2nd District.
Doug Lamborn, REPUBLICAN, Colorado’s 5th District.
Tom Latham, REPUBLICAN, Iowa’s 4th District.
Steven C. LaTourette, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 14th District.
Robert E. Latta, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 14th District.
Christopher J. Lee, REPUBLICAN, New York’s 26th District.
Jerry Lewis, REPUBLICAN, California’s 41st District
John Linder, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 7th District.
Frank Lucas, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma’s 3rd District.
Blaine Luetkemeyer, REPUBLICAN, Missouri’s 9th District.
Cynthia M. Lummis, REPUBLICAN, Wyoming At Large.
Daniel E. Lungren, REPUBLICAN, California’s 3rd District.
Connie Mack, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 14th District.
Donald Manzullo, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 16th District.
Kenny Marchant, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 24th District.
Michael T. McCaul, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 10th District.
Tom McClintock, REPUBLICAN, California’s 4th District.
Thaddeus McCotter, REPUBLICAN, Michigan’s 11th District.
Patrick T. McHenry, REPUBLICAN, North Carolina’s 10th District.
Buck McKeon, REPUBLICAN, California’s 25th District.
Cathy McMorris-Rodgers, REPUBLICAN, Washington’s 5th District.
John Mica, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 17th District.
Jeff Miller, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 1st District.
Gary Miller, REPUBLICAN, California’s 42nd District.
Sue Myrick, REPUBLICAN, North Carolina’s 9th District.
Randy Neugebauer, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 19th District.
Devin Nunes, REPUBLICAN, California’s 21st District.
Pete Olson, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 22nd District.
Ron Paul, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 14th District.
Erik Paulsen, REPUBLICAN, Minnesota’s 3rd District.
Mike Pence, REPUBLICAN, Indiana’s 6th District.
Thomas Petri, REPUBLICAN, Wisconsin’s 6th District.
Joseph R. Pitts, REPUBLICAN, Pennsylvania’s 16th District.
Todd Platts, REPUBLICAN, Pennsylvania’s 19th District.
Ted Poe, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 2nd District.
Bill Posey, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 15th District.
Tom Price, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 6th District.
Adam Putnam, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 12th District.
Dennis Rehberg, REPUBLICAN, Montana At Large
David G. Reichert, REPUBLICAN, Washington’s 8th District.
Phil Roe, REPUBLICAN, Tennessee’s 1st District.
Harold Rogers, REPUBLICAN, Kentucky’s 5th District.
Mike Rogers, REPUBLICAN, Alabama’s 3rd District.
Mike Rogers, REPUBLICAN, Michigan’s 8th District.
Dana Rohrabacher, REPUBLICAN, California’s 46th District.
Tom Rooney, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 16th District.
Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 18th District.
Peter J. Roskam, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 6th District.
Ed Royce, REPUBLICAN, California’s 40th District.
Paul Ryan, REPUBLICAN, Wisconsin’s 1st District.
Steve Scalise, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana’s 1st District.
Jean Schmidt, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 2nd District.
Aaron Schock, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 18th District.
James F. Sensenbrenner, REPUBLICAN, Wisconsin’s 5th District.
Pete Sessions, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 32nd District.
John Shimkus, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 19th District.
Bill Shuster, REPUBLICAN, Pennsylvania’s 9th District.
Mike Simpson, REPUBLICAN, Idaho’s 2nd District.
Adrian Smith, REPUBLICAN, Nebraska’s 3rd District.
Lamar Smith, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 21st District.
Cliff Stearns, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 6th District.
John Sullivan, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma’s 1st District.
Lee Terry, REPUBLICAN, Nebraska’s 2nd District.
Glenn W. Thompson, REPUBLICAN, Pennsylvania’s 5th District.
Mac Thornberry, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 13th District.
Pat Tiberi, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 12th District.
Michael Turner, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 3rd District.
Fred Upton, REPUBLICAN, Michigan’s 6th District.
Greg Walden, REPUBLICAN, Oregon’s 2nd District.
Lynn A. Westmoreland, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 3rd District.
Ed Whitfield, REPUBLICAN, Kentucky’s 1st District.
Joe Wilson, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina’s 2nd District.
Robert J. Wittman, REPUBLICAN, Virginia’s 1st District.
Frank Wolf, REPUBLICAN, Virginia’s 10th District.

Wow… how charming.

I don’t mean to be so dickish (“shitted on 'em; man, I just shitted on 'em”), but I get quite defensive when I read incessant trash-talk about how we liberals are such unpatriotic hypocrites and liars. I know tensions are high and that they’re going to get worse as the 2012 elections approach, but let’s stay grounded here, folks!

Your Moment of Zen

“99.9% of all statistics are made up.” – Rush Limbaugh

Moral of the story #1: In the voice of MAD TV's Vancome Lady: Tcha, Ya Know What? NUH UH!



Moral of the story #2: Yeah, I stole the Moment of Zen from you, Jon Stewart! What the hell are YOU gonna’ do ‘bout it … you Yiddish schmuck? (What’s a Yidd!? All I know about Jewish culture I know from watching Seinfeld and the episode of Fresh Prince in which Milton Berle co-starred. That reminds me; I really want to try kreplach!)

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PS #1. – My roomie was watching Fox News earlier, which is totally cool, and I was amazed at how friggen hot their female correspondents are. Yo, if Mika Brzezinski, Andrea Mitchell and Rachel Maddow don’t spice it up soon, I may just have to switch to Fox. 4 real though! Come on ladies; use what you Mama done gave you :-).

PS #2. – Rachel Maddow especially needs to spice it up! (I’m really bored and out of ideas… OKAY!?) You know what she needs? A bonnet:



My PRINCESS!

That was lame, but what the hell…. I’M LAME! (HELLO!)

PS #3. – Does anybody know what a Cenk Uygur (prononounced SINK YOU-GRRRRR) is? Is it a mammal? Is it a fish? Does it have genitals or is it asexual? (LOL; that’s bloody funny as hell to me)

And GO TO HELL at any liberals who think I’m a total immature ass for laughing at Limbaugh. When it comes to politics, I’m hella liberal. But when it comes to comedy, I don’t take sides! Suffice it to say, though I think Rush is a scumbug, I also think he’s bloody funny as hell AT TIMES. Very rare times, but sometimes he does make me laugh. Sawwy…

PS #4. – That my roomie is conservative has nothing whatsoever to do with my current depression spell. I watch/read a lot of liberal stuff and I write a lot of shit, but I don’t discuss politics or involve it in my daily living. Politics to me is like this hazy cloud on the horizon. I like viewing it from afar, but that's the closest I'll ever get to it.

PS #5. – I really need a sound card. The integrated audio chip on my Dell is a piece of garbage. I’m wearing $100 headphones and getting $5 bass. Doesn’t anybody in this bloody town have a quality PCI or USB sound card they’d be willing to deliver to me if I pay a higher price!???

Aight. I’m up out this bitch. I don't know how long it'll be til I get back to my usual self, but just be patient with me.

1

June 3rd | Super Duper Stupid Swag (Pooh Bear feat. Petey Pablo) [CASUAL BLOG]

Evening. This post will be ultra short because I don't feel like writing. Couple things, though.

#1.

The artist I brought up is a local artist. Now, typically I can't stand anything to do with excrement, doo-doo, boo-boo, poo or pooh, but I'm willing to make an exception for Mr. Pooh Bear. This cat about to blow up on the scene just like them boys Troop 41, so check out his pre-pre-pre video (the official shit hasn't even been recorded yet) on YouTube.

Mark my words--Raleigh will soon be the next city to make a permanent mark on the hiphop map. Petey Pablo started the movement almost a decade ago, but it's just now about to go all the way live! It's been a long time coming. I'm not in the hiphop game, but I love hiphop, so right on! So don't be surprised when Lacs on dubs and Caprices on 28s become commonplace sights in tha Capital City (SWAG).

#2.

The only real news story worth my attention this week has been the whole Weiner controversy. Unfortunately, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have already squeezed everything they can out of Weiner's weiner. Damn them. I'm a bit jealous because they're just so damn smart. Stewart can pick apart any political issue, while Colbert can quickly respond to anything with a funny joke. He's like a white Wayne Brady!

There's one thing they haven't quite considered, though. I think Weiner is purposefully dodging questions and acting suspicious because he wants people to think that his penis really is that big. He knows that the picture isn't of his weiner because his weiner is like a f**king thimble. But by not explicitly denying it, there exists a chance -- however abysmally slim -- that maybe he does in fact have a big dick.

That, ladies and gentleman, is called the male ego! Yeah. . .

#3.

If Weiner really did send a pic of his member to a grown-ass woman, then who the hell cares? People are acting so self-righteous. Oh, he's a CREEP? Do you have any idea how many desperate-ass, broke hoes land in my e-mail box everyday with sexy pictures, talking about "chat me up at my website, boo!"

This country acts so self-righteous at times. Our society is full of sexual perverts and heathens -- if you've ever played naked Twister, then you, Sir or Madam, are a PERV -- yet they try to hide behind some façade, pretending as if they're non-sexual beings. Man, this is 2011. If Marie Barone ain't afraid to admit that she likes to get it on, then why should anyone else?

Here's a shocker for ya'll. . .. not only do politicians get it on, but they take showers and . . . O.M.G. . . . they take shits! They're human.

Now, there is speculation that Weiner likes young girls, but that's str8-up bullshit from the mouth of the real-life Bart Simpson: Anthony BreitBART. F**k that overused, living and breathing condom. I can't stand people who get off on using deceit to destroy the lives of others. Effin' Dick Solomon wannabe.



Bottom line is that Breitbart is a dick. And I don't know about ya'll, but I'd much rather be a Weiner than a dick!

#4.

Word through the grapevine is that Texas Governor Rick Perry wants to become president. This is the same douche who suggested that Texas should succeed from the United States. So what's his presidential plan, aye? -- to succeed the United States from the United States? Good luck with that!

#5.

It's truly sad how much other republicans seemingly hate Romney. If 'Game Changer' is correct, McCain, Huckabee and even Giuliani all despise him. Huckabee even went so far as to say Romney has no soul. The irony is that among them, Romney is the sanest one! He's the only one I could actually imagine as president, not that I want him to beat Obama.

It's a sad world when "PLAIN" and "BORING" are viewed so badly. Isn't it supposed to be friggen better to work hard and live a simple but righteous life versus chasing after fame and fortune by acting a fool (I don't necessarily follow what I preach)? So shouldn't the same principle apply to politics? Why the hell do conservatives want these crazy bastards over an intelligent guy like Romney!?

That said, I'm hoping to do a satire next week that makes fun of the fact that republicans want a 'rock star' candidate instead of somebody with substance and value. Excuse me for being blunt, but do you see us liberal, pot-smoking and gang-banging democrats trying to elect a 'hip hop' star to the presidency? Hell to tha naw!

#6.


I don't suppose the folks at the Onion would consider setting up an advice line. Part of the reason I didn't write anything this week is because I've had doubts. I've felt like my ideas SUCK. I'd really love to be able to talk to someone now and again (15 mins TOPS per week) about my ideas. . . whether they're good, whether they could be better, etc.

I don't need a got-damn job. I work for a company that is publicly traded on the Stock Market for $14 a pop, sucka. Hell, b4 Panda hit, they were up to $25 a pop. By the way, Panda did nothing except destroy a bunch of websites, including my e-cigarette store. The Google search engine is still just as pathetic as it has always been. Unless you know how to conduct online research, you'd best hire somebody!

Anyway. I just need some direction--just a little guidance. And it'd be nice to get it from satire's Obi-Wan Kenobi. Unfortunately, Jon Stewart is way too f**king rich and successful to waste his time on a mere mortal like me. However, I'm willing to settle with 4th or 5th best. Yeah, I'm humble like that.

#7.

CNN should change its name to the ‘Weiner News Network’:



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That's it. Enjoy yourselves!

PS #1. -- I'm looking for a cougar, not a Crougar, as in Freddy Crougar! LOL. J/K. I just got that from the Russ Parr show! Just a joke.

PS #2. -- Female Onion writers on their period shouldn't be allowed to submit a column until they've stopped ragging. I'm just saying . . .

PS #3. -- I am thinking of writing a satire that makes fun of the fact that K97.5 plays the same songs over and over again. All radio stations do this, but it'd be fun to poke fun at K97.5.

The truth is I actually get much more pleasure from teasing local folks than I do politicians or whatnot. When I make fun of Joe Biden, there's almost no pleasure from it (besides when I'm drunk) because I know Joe Biden will never f**king read it or give a shit about it. But when I write about local entities, there's a much higher chance they'll stumble on it and get a good laugh. And I love to make people laugh WITH me, yah know? I emphasized WITH cuz I'll str8-up molly whop a sucka who laugh AT me!

PS #4. -- Sorry to be so dickish tonight. I usually write the majority of my posts while sober, but today I didn't start writing til I popped open my first beer. Yeah. . . it's one of those days.

PS #5. -- Why the f**k did I use a #, a period (.) AND a dash!???

Night all.

May 27th | Hustler Musik (Lil Wayne)

Evening, ya’ll. I’m going to attempt some minor political humor tonight, but I warn you that it won’t be up to my regular standards. Frankly, I just haven’t been able to get back into my usual, politically savvy self since my move. A large portion of this is due to my inability to stay up to 6:00 am anymore. So until I get back into the swing of things, just please bear with me!

Anyway. Tonight my main target will be Jimmy Fallon. Oh yeah, #IMGOINGTHERE!

Other than that, I hope all of you had a great week!

Brief News: House Republicans Scared To Death Of Unidentified Fat Man With White Piece of Paper

A portly, unidentified man has House republicans so frightened that they’ve been tiptoeing through Capitol Hill all week long. Nobody knows why they’re so scared of this man or what is written on the white piece of paper that he allegedly clutches close to his heart, but what is for certain is that this man has the power to make House Majority Leader John Boehner cry like a 13-year-old girl experiencing her first period.



“I personally am not scared of this fat bastard,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters, while repeatedly gazing all over the place as if he expected the ghost of Bin Laden to suddenly pop up out of nowhere. “But the guys over in the House are scared shitless!”

In fact, the fear is so palpable that there have been at least three confirmed cases this week alone of House republicans peeing in their pants from fright. And according to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a confrontation between John Boehner and the unidentified man late Wednesday afternoon led to Boehner falling to his knees and busting into tears.

“It all centers around that piece of paper the fat f*** carries around with him,” Pelosi speculated. “It’s as if the guy is somehow using whatever is written on it to force the republicans to do what he wants them to do.”

She continued, “It’s quite sad, especially considering that politicians are supposed to be doing what the people want them to do, not what some fatass wants them to do!”

Moral of the story: The only fat man to fear is Santa Clause. Speaking of which, are all you republicans behaving yourselves this year!?

Brief News: Stars Call It Quits After Sarah Palin Joins Their Ranks

The universe’s many stars, from red giants to white dwarves, have all turned in their two-weeks notice and pledged to never shine again until presidential hopeful Sarah Palin gives up her hopes of becoming a star. The controversy erupted earlier this week when Palin revealed her über-stylish tour bus, which according to witnesses made Brent Michael’s tour bus look like “pure crap.”



“We’ve been out in space shining for millions of years, and all of a sudden Palin buys a bus, goes on tour, and steals away all of our limelight,” Gamma Ursae Majoris from the constellation Ursa Major complained to reporters. “I appreciate that she wants to be a star, but she is totally taking away from the rest of us!”

According to Gamma, the stars aren’t the only ones upset with Palin’s recent rise into the heavens. Asteroid belts, comets, meteors, and black holes are also feeling disgruntled. Many of them have threatened to quit but are holding on only because they need the money. Apparently, the recession has affected them as well.

“Hell, word through the grapevine is that even Mother Earth is pissed,” Gamma said. “If the rumors are true, she plans on packing it up and getting the hell out of the Milky Way!”

He continued, “My guess is that Palin will settle down on Uranus if that happens.”

Moral of the story: Yeah, this piece sucked. It’s 1:48 AM and I still can’t come up with a decent conclusion. But anyway. Frankly, I dislike Palin. Some guy on hardball talked about how Sarah Palin is an anti-establishment and down-to-Earth individual who is comfortable around bikers. BULL. This is the same woman who called Common a thug. The truth is she is just as stuck-up and bougie as the people she hates. I have nothing against bikers, but you can't call Common a thug and then pretend like your biker-gang buddies are the sweetest folks on Earth!

Brief News: Man Laughs Himself To Death Due To Former Landlord’s Antics

Raleigh, NC—Former Winchester townhouse resident Victor Alowishus Jones suffered a fatal heart attack at 4:00 pm Thursday afternoon after having laughed too hard and for too long at his former landlord’s ridiculous antics.



According to Victor’s best friend, Sheila Jenkins, his former landlord gave him a sudden, out-of-nowhere eviction notice two weeks ago and then completely ignored all his attempts to negotiate a new lease. This greatly angered Victor, but he had no choice at the time but to put up with it.

“Then two days after Victor moved out, the jerk had the nerve to text him and demand that he pay such and such money for purported damage to the home,” Sheila explained. “That’s when Victor started laughing.”

Sheila went on to explain how Victor replied by telling his former landlord to “suck his juicy something,” after which the landlord had his great-grand mother call Victor on a private line and claim that there was a warrant out for his arrest as per some stolen property.

“It was at that moment that Victor’s laughter, which had been going on for several days at this point, turned into a giant, deadly guffaw,” Sheila said, shaking her head in dismay. “I tried to tell him to stop and get it together, but it was too late; he keeled over and died from literally laughing himself to death.”

Moral of the story: You ain’t getting no money from me! Take me to court if you’d like, but remember that I’m Asian, and to an Asian, a ‘little black book’ refers to a telephone directory featuring all of our family friends who hold positions of power, i.e., lawyers!

Brief News: Gang of Ryde-Or-Die Chicks Take Over K97.5 Radio Station

North Carolina—Four young ladies have taken over Raleigh’s only hiphop station, K97.5 WQOK, and threatened to cut off the genitals of the lead disc jockey, DJ Showtime, unless he gives them permanent positions as DJs. The whole fiasco started earlier last week when Showtime, aka ‘The Talk of the Town,’ started allowing select local residents to visit the station and play along for a half-hour as guest DJs for the station’s ‘Top 8 @ 8 Countdown.’



“Most of the folks who I invited to the studio had a great time and left without complaints,” Showtime told reporters during a five minute phone conversation that the ladies allowed him to make. “But not Tonyetta, Darlene, Maria, and Liling; them crazy bitches — and I don’t mean that in a positive way — just didn’t let go!”

According to Showtime, the four “psycho broads” broke into the studio late Friday evening, locked his co-hosts Nikki Nicole and Brian Dawson in a closet, and then took him hostage in the main studio room, where they’ve been playing their “Top 8” lists over and over again ever since in an attempt to weaken his resolve.

“Look, they can keep playing their songs and they can even cut off my genitals, but I am not hiring them!”

“You hear me, you psycho bitches; I am not hiring you!” Showtime was heard screaming through the phone before the line suddenly went dead.

In Related News: Local DJ’s penis found floating down Falls Lake.

Moral of the story: This stupid, hurriedly written piece was designed to make fun of Showtime’s tendency to only bring in female guest DJs. Don’t get me wrong, though, because I don’t blame the brother a single bit. Get that ‘ish, bruh bruh! But just watch out cuz some these ryde or die chicks str8 up CRAZZZYYYY, son! They so ‘hungry’ for stardom they’ll str8 up chop off your junk and take a bite out of it!

Feature News: Jimmy Fallon Arrested For Plagerizing His Writers

You know what? I’m just not feeling this.

*Grunts and then tosses aside this satire piece.*

Moral of the story: It’s a really, really long story! :-)

Paranoid Man With Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Refuses To Clean Toilet

Biloxi, Massachusetts—Local photographer and lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) victim Roger Phillips held a press conference early Friday morning outside the Lazy Magnolia Brewery on Roscoe-Turner Road to announce that he will not clean his private toilet at his new residence until he develops an intimate relationship with it.



“Look, I need to have a deep relationship with a toilet and know it inside and out before I can scrub away the dust, grime, and bits of corn lacing its porcelain interior,” Roger told reporters. “I need to know the speed at which it flushes, how corroded its pipes are, and whether or not it can handle one load of my shit without getting clogged.”

Ever since Roger, 33, moved into the residence on May 17, he’s slowly been getting to know the new home and its various appliances and devices. It took him three days alone just to establish a strong enough friendship with the kitchen sink to wipe it clean after washing his hands. He has yet to wipe the sink in his own private bathroom.

“This crazy bastard — and he seriously has a lot more wrong with him than just OCD — is constantly washing his hands and taking a shit, yet he refuses to ever clean up after himself because he doesn’t know the sinks and toilets well enough,” Roger’s landlord, Christopher Martin, told reporters, shaking his head in dismay. “I don’t mind some of the sinks being dirty, but I’m getting really sick and tired of the stinky toilet!”

He continued, “It’s like, dude, you put your ass on the toilet 6 times a day; how much more intimate could you possibly be with it!?”

Unbeknownst to his landlord, Roger does not in fact make any direct skin-to-porcelain contact with the toilet. Instead he places his landlord’s towels on the toilet seat and uses it as a sort of sanitary sheet or condom, on the basis that “a man needs to protect his vital assets, including his wallet, his penis, and, of course, his ripe buttocks.”

Though Roger’s eccentric behavior might lead some to think that he’s absolutely bonkers, his girlfriend, 42-year-old Rhonda Meier, claims that there’s nothing crazy about him at all.

“The paranoid bastard just suffers from a really severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder,” Rhonda explained, rolling her eyes in what appeared to be a mixture of pure hatred and unrelenting love. “And to be honest, that he needs to know a toilet intimately is just the tip of the iceberg.”

“He can’t shower without slippers, he refuses to throw away our used condoms, and he insists on making love in ten-minute bursts, after which he has to take a ten-minute break. It kind of ruins the mood, you know? But toilets have always caused him the most problems. Hell, he’s only actually cleaned three toilets in his entire life, including the one at his parent’s house, the one at his old crib, and the one at my apartment.”

Christopher doesn’t care about Roger’s mental problems, however, which is why he’s making arrangements to expedite the get-to-know-you process. His hope is that a quiet, romantic date between the two will give Roger the comfort and security he needs to pick up the toilet brush and “git er done.”

“I’m going to turn down the lights, set up a few nice-smelling candles, put on a Marvin Gaye CD, and just let the magic happen between the Roger and his god damned toilet,” Chris said. “And if that doesn’t work, I’m literally going to pick up a plunger and shove it up that mentally retarded freak’s ass!”

Moral of the story: This piece was designed to make fun of my bathroom behavior. I’m not as OCD as Roger, but I too need time with a toilet — usually one to two months — before I’m capable of cleaning it. And it’s even worse with showers. It takes about 3 years before I’ll clean a shower tub, which is why I usually just hire somebody off craigslist to do it for me. Yeah, I’m a total freak; I know!

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Well, that’s it for 2day. This wasn’t my best stuff, but like I said, I’m still getting back into the swing of things. Plus, I may have bit off more than I could chew this time around. Hell, it’s 12:17 AM and three of the above pieces aren’t even finished yet! Anyway. I hope ya’ll enjoyed it!

PS #1. If ya’ll like hiphop and want to share your favorite songs with the community, then log into hiphopnc, submit your list, and hope for the best!

PS #2. I really wanted to get Ed Schultz and Rick Perry, but I just didn’t have enough time! Maybe next week!

PS #3. I am not actually smoking less. I smoke less cigarettes, but I take more puffs. When I’m outside, I’m in such a hurry to get back inside that I puff my cigs like crazy. So when you add it all up, it’s pretty much even. Craziness, right, lol?

PS #4. Happy Memorial Day!

PS #5. I’ve given up my quest for love, but that doesn’t mean I’ve given up my quest for sex! Since women my age are too uppity to spend time with me (which they’ll regret once I get rich -> “back then they didn’t want me, now I’m hot they all on me”), I’ve set my sights higher up. I’m talking about gettin’ me some granny panties!

Yeah, yeah, all you young females out there are shaking your head and referring to me as a “creep,” but given four years without sex, ya’ll would be on your knees begging Hugh Heffner to shove it in your mouth, so SHUT IT! #yeahIsaidit! So if any lonely older women need some sweet, youngbuck lovin’ in their lives, holla at tha Certified Cougar Handler!