Friday, February 26th, 2010 | The Slave and the Master (Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones)

Black History Month Finale | Part 1

Tonight I lay before you the wisdom of Nasir Jones, a 36-year-old rapper hailing from Queensbridge projects, NYC. Ever since the 1994 release of his critically acclaimed album Illmatic, Nas, as he’s more commonly known, has continued to foster the “synthesis of well-crafted rhetoric and street-glamorous imagery,” earning him the title of a modern-day poet & prophet known simply as Nastradamus.

Nas’s unorthodox albeit extraordinary philosophies stem in part from the teachings of his father, renowned jazz musician Olu Dara. By bridging the gap between his father’s old-school ideology and his own new-school perceptions, Nas has devised a form of hiphop that can be universally understood across all boundaries—regardless of age, gender, race, or religion. Nas is, in essence, the quintessential definition of what hiphop truly is: the voice of the world.



Sources (1 2)

The lyrics I’ve chosen today derive from Nas’s 2008 classic “The Slave and the Master.” My interpretation of the song is that although others may hate and even try to destroy me, they have no power because I, and only I, control the blueprint to my life. It is my own choice whether to wallow in filth as a slave or pursue my destiny as a master of my own life.

“They say we N – I - Double G – E – R
We - are - much more,
Still we choose to ignore,
The obvious.
Man this history don't acknowledge us,
We was scholars long before colleges.

They say we N – I - Double G – E – R
We - are - much more,
But still we choose to ignore,
The obvious.
We are the slave and the master,
What you looking for?
You the question and the answer.”

The beauty of this song is that it’s geared towards anybody. If you don’t believe me, then view the last 4 minutes (from 6:00 and on) of Nas’s video ‘Be a Ni*ger Too.’ Watch as troubled faces—African, Caucasian, Hispanic, and Asian—line the screen. Look into their eyes and see the turmoil within as they struggle to find their own meaning. Pay special attention around 7:00, as you may be surprised at the face you see.

Black History Month Finale | Part 2

I hate talking about inventions and I’m not interested in facts and figures because I can’t remember them for the life of me. That reminds me, when did Columbus sail the ocean blue!? Seriously though, what I do like are words, which makes sense since I’m a writer. Ergo, I’m ending my ‘portrait of black history’ with a quote that I especially like.

“There is no negro problem. The problem is whether the American people have loyalty enough, honor enough, patriotism enough, to live up to their own constitution...”
-- Frederick Douglass

This leads me to my next topic.

’The Black Agenda’

The black community was torn asunder this week when a disagreement between two of its most prolific media personalities—Reverend Al Sharpton and Tavis Smiley—erupted into a full-fledged, on-air feud over what has been dubbed the ‘black agenda.’ Tavis, who has a track record for trying to undermine President Obama’s political progress, accused Sharpton and other notable black figures (NAACP President Ben Jealous, Urban League President Marc Morial, Harvard Professor Charles Ogletree, and American civil and women's rights activist Dr. Dorothy Height) of “suggesting publicly in the media that this president doesn’t need to have a black American agenda.”

He spoke in particular of a recent New York Times article wherein Reverend Sharpton was quoted as saying that the president is wise not to ballyhoo a ‘black agenda,’ and Professor Ogletree was quoted as saying he “finds puzzling the idea that a president who happens to be black has to focus on black issues.”

In a separate New York Times article, Dr. Dorothy Height later chimed in on the subject, stating, “I am not one to think that he should do more for his people than for other people. I want him to be free to be himself.”

Basically, Mr. Frowney—COUGH; I mean Smiley—believes that Sharpton, Ogletree, Height, and others like them are not adequately catering to the black community. He feels as if they should pressure Obama into spending more time addressing black issues, instead of focusing on universal equality for all. Sighs…

I don’t want to offend anybody, so I’m merely going to quote my homeboy Lionel, who summed up my feelings on the matter to a tea:

“Recession, Poverty, Foreclosure, Unemployment, Illiteracy, Crime, Predatory Lending, Welfare, Homelessness, School Dropout, Teen Pregnancy, Police Brutality, Injustice, Sexism, Domestics Violence, Single Parenting, Incarceration, Recidivism, Addiction etc… Is a LACK thing and not a BLACK thing. Some of us are in the habit or business of isolating crisis to African American culture. We have to take the focus off the color of our skin and keep our eyes on the causes within."

Sources (1 2 3)

Goal Models, Role Models, and Heroes

This week Mr. Michael Baisden pointed out the differences between a goal model, a role model, and a hero. A hero, in his opinion, should be someone in the child’s life that he or she can emulate. A role model, on the other hand, is an authority figure worthy of imitation. As for a goal model, that’s somebody who has accomplished a feat that the child also seeks to one-day do.

For instance, my role model is Michael Baisden, my goal model is Roland Martin (Daps to Barry Saunders as well), and my hero (who shall remained unnamed) is a man who too, like Olu Dara, has been to Mozambique. In fact, my hero once taught there.

By the way, I came to a realization today. When we are young, our parents are our heroes. But as we mature into successful adults, we slowly become our parents’ hero!

Entitlement Seekers

I disapprove of Heartless Type-A (HTA) personalities who base their status in life strictly on their accomplishments, material wealth, and social standing. Note that I italicized heartless, as not all Type-A people fit into this category. The HTA’s attitude is that nobody deserves sympathy and compassion because: “I funded my own self through school and worked hard at my job. Look at me now. I have 3 cars, 3 kids, and 3 bank accounts.” They basically believe that people who ‘complain’ or ‘whine’ about their misfortune are entitlement seekers who refuse to put forth any genuine effort. WRONG.

Everybody occasionally has a bad day—or even a bad year. And when you have a bad day, you might just feel like pouring your soul out to somebody with a heart. But try that on a heartless Type-A personality and you’ll get nothing in return. The HTA could careless about you or anybody else who doesn’t revolve around their world. Mind you, they volunteer at the homeless shelter, donate money to some reputable charity, and have many friends with whom they associate. But you know what—an exciting social life, impressive achievements, and good deeds and do not make up for a wicked heart.

Plus the fact is that the benefits of showing compassion far outweigh anything that can be gained from turning a cold shoulder. And being compassionate doesn’t necessarily mean just babying the individual with comforting words. Providing constructive criticism is, in my opinion, as compassionate, if not more so, than acting like a nanny. By providing a troubled individual with useful advise, such as Chef Ramsay does on the reality-show ‘Kitchen Nightmares,’ you are empowering the person with the tools needed to overcome their situation.

Look. You can leave someone in misery and allow them to ‘wallow in filth,’ or you can take a little time out of your day to pick them up, wipe them off, and help them on their way. It’s their choice whether they want to keep bitching and stay in the shithole they’re in, or move along with you by their side. See, if more people made an effort to help others, then everybody could one day potentially be successful! But instead the HTA personality prefers to sit back and complain about the entitlement-seeking complainers. Irony at its very best.

Narcissism

Somebody said to me, “You are a narcissist."

Yes, I admit that I’m somewhat of a narcissist, which is why I love staring at myself in the mirror. However, we are all narcissists to some extent. But true unhindered and unfiltered narcissism involves much more than appreciation of self. It’s an overabundance of ego and pretentiousness in which the individual in question sees naught but him- or herself. And that is certainly not the type of person that I am.

In my opinion, the true narcissists are cynics. They are so sure of themselves that they assume anyone who doesn’t share their beliefs is a stupid and useless sheep. Furthermore, they claim that reality television, untethered creativity, and celebrity charity telethons represent everything that’s wrong with America. Oh PLEASE! Pull your head out your ass and take a whiff of reality, you ass. We as Americans do have our faults, but our ability as Americans to just let go and be ourselves without limitation is not one of them!

I’m a Toys-R-Us Kid 4 Life

I get a lot of slack from some people for being too silly and immature. To them I say, excuse me for being unafraid to stay forever in touch with the child within me. Actually, BUCK THAT! Kiss my butt-cheeks and listen to my diarrhea, you uptight snobs! I’m sure everybody acts silly sometimes, but apparently some forms of silliness are just too childish for others to endure. What a load of crap!

--

Alright. Unless something interesting occurs, I will be taking the next week off to focus on other projects, such as my first-ever short story. In the meantime, I will do as Wanda Sykes indirectly suggested and SHUT UP! (Love you too, you chocha-licking cabrona!)

PS – And NO, there’s nothing racist about the NAACP Image Awards!

Friday, February 19th, 2010 | Get By (Talib Kweli)

This week I am throwing aside my usual blog format so that I can dedicate the majority of my piece to youth mentoring. The inspiration for this piece came from listening to my hero, Mr. Michael Baisden, a nationally renowned radio host who lectures often about important issues such as teen suicide, pregnancy, and violence.

Mr. Baisden is a hero to me for many reasons, the most important of which is that, unbeknownst to him, he has and continues to indirectly mentor me by motivating me (through his online broadcasts) to give back to my community, and the world. Although we don’t and likely will never know one another on a personal basis, his effect on me remains powerful—and not because he is some sly radio host with attractive rhetoric, but because he’s a warmhearted and noble man unafraid to speak the truth, even when it hurts others to hear.

For many weeks, in fact, Mr. Baisden has been ‘nagging’ his adult listeners to put aside some personal time and invest it in fostering a youth-mentoring relationship. Many of us—myself included—have opted to discount his plea with petty and selfish excuses:

#1. I don’t have enough time.
#2. I have plenty of my own problems.
#3. I’m just one person. How can I possibly make a difference?

I myself am tired of making excuses. It’s time to answer Mr. Baisden’s call for action by making a serious commitment to bettering the lives of our youth. But I don’t want to be the only one to undertake this journey. And so today I’m inviting all grown men and women in the Greater Triangle and beyond to take a moment to sit back, sip some coffee, and learn about youth mentoring with me.

What is youth mentoring?

Youth mentoring is a process wherein a trusted adult volunteer is matched to a confused or troubled child seeking a supportive and loving influence in his or her life. It allows the adult to chaperone the child as he or she transitions from childhood to adulthood.

What does a youth mentor do?

A youth mentor’s goal is to enrich his or her mentee’s life by serving as a confidant, an advisor, a teacher, and a friend. It is not the mentor’s job to act as either a disciplinarian or a decision-maker, as that falls to the parent. Instead the mentor helps the mentee build character, improve self-confidence and self-esteem, become more reliable and conscientious of others, and plan for the future.

Why is youth mentoring important?

According to the United States Census Bureau, 24.8% of American households in 2007 were single-parent homes. That equates to millions of children being raised by either a single mother or father. Add to that the hundreds of thousands of orphans who have neither parents nor a permanent home—not to mention those who have all three, but live in a dysfunctional family. All these children are suffering and desperately need help.

Why should I be a youth mentor?

Our lives are packed with endless responsibilities, but it is our ability to handle them effectively that gives us the right to call ourselves adults. Admittedly though, not everyone over the age of 17 deserves to be called an adult. Some of us have leaps and bounds to cross before we approach true adulthood. My assumption in writing this piece, however, is that you are an intelligent, sane, well-adjusted, and hard-working adult who pays your taxes and is interested in helping your community. The reason you haven’t already joined in a community-building activity—whether or not it is youth mentoring—is probably because you’re too busy and just can’t afford the time.

Look, I’m not going to harp on you for not participating because it’s taken me myself over 28 years of growing up to finally give a damn. I will, though, try my best to convince you that youth mentoring is definitely worth at least a little of your time.

For one, you have the power to drastically change a child’s life by serving as a much-needed mother or father figure, as well as just a good friend. In fact, according to Encyclopedia Britannica, “mentoring has been seen to be associated with positive outcomes for young people, including better school attendance and reduced propensity towards risk-taking behavior.” This in turn increases the likelihood that the child will develop into a mature and hard-working citizen with a bright future.

Of course you may ask, “I grew up with two parents and had a perfect childhood, so how can I possible relate to one of these kids?” You can relate by passing on the lessons and values that were taught to you, but that may not necessarily have been taught to your mentee. Plus mentoring a teen from a different background allows you both to expand your horizons and gain a better understanding of other people and their cultures. After all, mentoring is an opportunity for both you and the child to learn and grow together. Just because you are a successful adult doesn’t mean that you have nothing else to learn, for as Eduard C. Lindeman once said, “All of life is learning; therefore education can never end.”

All it takes is a few hours a week to make a positive difference in a child’s life. I can’t force you to care, but I hope I can at least convince you to seek further information from one or more of the following sources:

OneMillionMentors
National Mentoring Month
Mentoring
FriendsForYouth
E-Mentoring

You know, a wise woman recently said, “It takes a man to teach a boy how to be a man.” I imagine that the same principle applies to girls as well. How are these kids supposed to grow into successful adults if we are unwilling to show them the way?





Black History Part #3

Tonight I’m honoring Talib Kwali, a 34-year-old lyrical genius who stormed onto the national stage in 2002 with his hit classic ‘Get By.’ The song tells the tale of those who seek to fill their empty hearts with equally empty vices like sex, drugs, and alcohol.

“The TV got us reachin for stars
Not the ones between Venus and Mars, the ones that be readin for parts
Some people get breast enhancements and penis enlargers
Saturday sinners Sunday morning at the feet of the Father
They need somethin to rely on, we get high on all types of drug
When, all you really need is love
To get by.. just to get by
Just to get by, just to get by
Our parents sing like John Lennon, ‘Imagine all the people watch'
We rock like Paul McCartney from now until the last Beatle drop”

I would also like to urge everybody to read the William Lynch speech, which was purportedly delivered by a slave-owner during the early 1700s. Its authenticity remains forever in question, but its words certainly do not, as they ring true in regards to the way in which many black people are sometimes their own worst enemy. I cannot blame a white person for a black man’s misfortune, but I can say with certainty that a black man’s constant ‘beef’ with other black men has the potential to seriously hinder his ability to achieve that which he seeks. The truth is that we must ALL put aside our differences and learn to get along, which leads me to my next point.

Racial Division

Why does race divide us so much? I was having a conversation with a couple online friends last weekend when the issue of my race suddenly popped up, prompting a couple chatroom members to insinuate that I’ve had it easy all my life. It upset me quite a bit, especially since they presumed to know my life story based simply on my racial status. Pain and suffering have no preference, as anyone can be their victim—including a white person When we make invalid assumptions based on race, then we lose the ability to recognize other people for who they really are and what they’ve really been through, which in turn only inhibits our ability to engage in meaningful dialogue.

A Successful Weight-Loss Diet

One year ago I weighed 230lbs. Three months ago I weighed 190lbs. As of 11:45am on Friday, February 19th, 2010, I weigh 173lbs. I may perhaps be the biggest stud on the entire east coast! And since my weight-loss diet clearly works, I’m going to share it with ya’ll!

My diet consists chiefly of grilled chicken, low-fat cottage cheese, canned corn, and pretzels. In one day, I go through approximately 4 pieces of grilled chicken, 1 can of vegetables, 18oz of low-fat cottage cheese, 3 pretzel sticks, and 2 scoops of protein powder. Mind you, I break from my diet on the weekends to binge on beer, Chinese food, and pizza. I feel that you MUST reward yourself with frequent treats if you wish to remain successful—otherwise you’ll quickly grow bored and frustrated.

The reason I consume so much low-fat cottage cheese is because it’s a slow-synthesizing protein that takes anywhere from 4-8 hours to fully digest. It’s especially beneficial to eat cottage cheese right before bed; it’ll ensure that your body stays adequately supplied with amino acids as you slumber. Keep in mind, however, that if your goal is merely weight-loss (and not bodybuilding), then you won’t need to eat nearly as much food as I do.

Anyway. If you’re serious about losing weight, then switch from beef, pork, and fried chicken to grilled chicken. It’s extremely low in fat, but high in protein. Also keep an eye out on your carb, sugar, and sodium intake as well. Reducing your fat intake, managing your carbohydrate consumption, exercising frequently, getting enough rest, and EATING AT LEAST THREE MEALS A DAY each play a pivotal role in a successful weight-loss diet.

Sarah Palin vs Family Guy

I understand why Miss Palin is upset at Seth McFarland. I myself used to fume with rage when others mocked my own mental conditions. But as I grew older and more mature, I realized that it makes no sense to take it personally when someone takes a meaningless jab at my personality or my behavior. And more importantly, a comedian is not obliged to take my feelings into consideration before he or she cracks a joke. So if I can’t take the heat, I just turn the channel and find something else to watch! This is, in fact, the very reason I never read the replies to my post on craigslist. Instead of taking the risk of being hurt, I just ignore them and move on.

Quite frankly (and I hate to sound so cynical), I feel that Miss Palin needs to hop off her high horse—so high that she can see Russia from Alaska while on it—and, excuse my slang, take a chill pill.

Plus, Family Guy in no way, shape, or form actually ridiculed her son. The character Andrea Fay Friedman—who herself is afflicted with a handicap—played was merely a bitchy albeit highly intelligent girl with Down's Syndrome. They key word here is girl. Unless Miss Palin's son was in fact born a girl (which I suppose is possible), there is no actual correlation between him and 'Ellen' other than some harmless political satire.

The Untouchables of India

One Indian issue that I am very passionate about is the suffering that the untouchables endure. Rural Indian culture is based on an antiquated caste system wherein those at the bottom are considered polluted, unclean, and untouchable. Although discrimination based on one’s caste position has been illegal since India gained its independence in 1947, it is still widely practiced—despite the fact that Mohatmas Ghandi himself considered the untouchables to be ‘people of God.’ It is in indeed a wise man that once said that the meek shall inherit the Earth.

Anyway. I would love to approach one of the so-called ‘touchables’ with a pair of my best shoes on and say, “Look at my shoes. Now look at your crusty-ass feet in them old-ass sandals. You ain’t better than me or anyone else, you piece of hatin’ass scum!” Sorry, but cannot stand aristocratic or bougie people.

Is Boston racist?

Many of my online friends claim that Boston is a racist city. I speculate that their belief is wrong. It's not that Boston is racist; rather, Boston is probably just quite segregated, in that people of similar backgrounds (Protestant Irish, Italians, Asians, Blacks, Caucasians) perhaps tend to stick together. I don't particularly find that racist or disturbing, although it certainly isn’t an ideal situation.

Truthfully, I prefer to spend time around people with whom I can relate with well. Why would I want to spend time with somebody who is the opposite of me? For instance, my brother is a ‘progressive liberal’ from Portland who loves permaculture and Burning Man; and although we’re cool and will always be cool, we oftentimes don’t get along due to our widely differing views on politics and life. Spending time with him is worse than listening to some chump run his fingernails across a chalkboard. At the end of the day though, we still respect one another.

The same principle applies to anybody. It’s important to be tolerant of others, but that doesn’t mean you have to spend time with somebody or even like them, for that matter. Just show them the respect that they’re due and it’s all good.

By the way, what is the bloody point of gardening? Every summer my parents build a HUGE garden full of tomatoes, zucchini, carrots, gerbils, and whatever else grows out of the damn ground. And then three to six months later, all the plants die. I’m sorry, but it just makes no sense to a simpleton like me!

Jokes

I’ve decided to cease posting my potty-mouth jokes because some people feel that they are ‘trashy.’ I agree with this sentiment because such humor isn’t really appropriate for this venue. I would like to make clear, however, that in real life, I am as trashy as they get. I wear ol’-ass dingy shoes, my elbows are ashier than chalk, and my webos always stink, even after I shower. (And yes, I said webbos. If George Lopez can say it on Nickelodeon, I can say it on Craigslist!) At the end of the day, I’m just a low-down piece of American trash, but by golly, I’m damn proud of who I am!



I know the gifs are getting old, but I’m honestly out of witty comments. And that’s why I’m probably going to do like Wanda Sykes and take a week off, so don’t expect anything next week!

pEaCe

Friday, February 12th | Kick, Push (Lupe Fiasco)

Good Evening! This has been a particularly crappy week for me, but I’m going to try and do my best to talk about something (anything!) interesting. I’m sorry if you don’t like me or my blog, but I’m trying to force myself to keep thinking and writing, in the hope that all my efforts will eventually lead me to something truly meaningful. I’m not yet a professional writer; nor am I a know-it-all or a ‘genius’. (I might be a know nothing at all, though) I’m just an outspoken young man approaching middle age—yes, I’m older than you realize—striving to pave a trail to success. You may have given up on your dreams (I hope you haven’t!!!), but I have no intention of relinquishing mine. Anyway. I also want to apologize if I sound cynical today, but this is just one of those weeks!

Black History Part #2

Many people have questioned my decision to celebrate Black History Month by promoting young rap artists. Since I began writing this blog, I’ve nearly always titled it with the name of songs typically listened to by the older generations. My goal now is to do the exact opposite by teaching the older generations a little about my generation. It seems so backwards, especially considering this is Black History Month, but that’s how my demented mind works.

This week I’m paying tribute to Lupe Fiasco, a 27-year-old black man who kicked and pushed his way into becoming a nationally acclaimed rap artist dedicated to 100% clean lyrics. He’s a self-proclaimed Muslim, a proud American, and a talented artist bent on revolutionizing the rap industry with lyrics that matter and also move the heart.

“So they Kick, Push Kick, Push Kick, Push Kick, Push Coast
And the way they roll just lovers in the twine with no place to go
So they Kick, Push Kick, Push Kick, Push Kick, Push Coast
So come and skate with me, just a rebel looking for a place to be
So let's Kick, (uh uh) and Push, (yea yea) and Coast”

I was tempted to tribute Gucci Man—whose music I crave like cigarettes—but his lyrics are too focused on gang violence and drug use. Therefore I felt that it would be inappropriate to represent him for the purpose of celebrating black history.

By the way, who invented the pullout sofa bed (courtesy of the effervescent Mo’Nique)?

The official story goes like this: “The pullout bed was invented by a blackman by the name of LC Bailey in the 1800's. The invention came about when he got a visit from in laws. At the time they had a 1 bedroom house and the visitors had to all sleep in the same bed. LC became fed up with this after a couple of days of being urinated on by his in-laws while asleep. This prompted LC to invent the sofa bed. The rest is history as they say....”

Is John Mayer a Racist?

This whole John Mayer situation makes me want to heave all over myself in utter disgust. I’m not angry with John, but rather at all the people, rappers included, who have the audacity to call him racist. True racism runs rampant throughout the country, yet rarely do these naysayers take notice. But when John Mayer errs in a poor attempt to be cute and funny, the world stops dead in its tracks. His comments were very inappropriate and poorly thought-out, but who among us hasn’t accidentally blurted something offensive? And more importantly, the man has humbly apologized. What else do you want?

I’m also irritated at rappers, who themselves continue to perpetuate negative black stereotypes with their incessant usage of the n word. Rapper Z-Ro, in his song ‘Respect my Mind,’ says, “Bitch I'll kill you niggaz. You better respect my mind - cause I'll kill you niggaz.” Excuse me, but what the flying fuck is that? Don’t get me wrong—I love hardcore gangster rap lyrics—but isn’t his use of the n word just as negative, if not more so, than the way in which John Mayer used it?

The question remains: What is true racism? Racism at its core is, in my opinion, an innate hatred towards a particular people simply because of their race. Does John Mayer hate black people? I think not. Does Z-Ro hate black people? Hell naw! So excuse my slang, but stop tripping!

Also, just using the n word doesn’t make somebody racist. I use the n word all the time. When I see my roomie’s dog, I say, “Wasup, my n-word.” When I talk to my imaginary friend, I ask, “How are you, my n-word.” And when I look at my vascular forearms after a rough workout, I exclaim, “I’m a fine ass n-word!” It’s inappropriate and stupid for me to say the n-word, but my usage of it does not make me racist; it just makes me an inconsiderate dumbass. FYI—I grew up being called a dirty, rat-eating sand n-word. Just so you know…

Look, it’s important to recognize and understand the past—especially racism and how it still impacts us—but it’s also important that we don’t become victims to it either. And that means learning to forgive stupid indiscretions and instead focus on the real issues.

"Forces in the world will tell you you're a victim of your family, your race, your past, your history. Don't believe them. They don't know you. Look inside and find your true self. It's there. Give it a name." - The Rza excerpted from The Tao of Wu.

By the way, my hood pass was recently revoked on the grounds that I'm becoming bougie, which is completely false. I’m just getting old; my balls are starting to sag, my hair is starting to thin, and my sperm need lifejackets to swim. I can’t help it, mayne.



Homophobia and Gay Discrimination

Whenever I discuss the issue of homosexuality, the same thing always occurs. Just to clarify, I did once participate in a gay porno flick. My stage name was Buck Nasty; look me up (rolls eyes). And oh, a very conspicuous gentleman whispered that he believes I'm a DL brother. I'm a homosexual-friendly straight man who supports the gay-rights movement, has no problem discussing homosexuality without using derogatory terms like 'fag' or 'queer' (homophobes are typically gay), loves to make gay-friendly jokes (look at my fine ass!), and openly admits to having gay friends. Yep… you've blown my cover, bruh. Woe to me (smashes head into a wall 10 times). BIG DUMMY!

Anyway. What I find exceedingly fascinating is the way in which others treat me when the issue of my alleged homosexuality pops up; they love to snicker and smile wryly in my presence. This leads to my next discussion topic: discrimination against homosexuals. Many people—some whom themselves have been victims of prejudice—feel no qualms with freely discussing “those nasty faggots” as if it’s all fine and dandy. Such an attitude is beyond despicable; it’s outright shameful. Heed the words of Martin Luther King, Jr.: "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”

To all the gay people who may read this, I offer you my condolences and promise you that not all straight people are so damn ignorant. You have every right to be who you are and be proud of it. At the end of the day, I got your back, hot sexy! And that goes for transsexuals too. Shake that groove thing!

Women’s Rights

This week on House, we were given the opportunity to see life through the eyes of Cuddy. She’s an extremely busy woman who suffers an incredible deal of abuse from her patients—as well as her staff members. At first, I was quite skeptical about this episode and even considered skipping it. But I’m so glad that I took the time to watch it because I learned something. I don’t give women enough credit for all the crap they endure. As a staunch AFMS (Anti Feminazi Man Soldier), I oftentimes discredit their claims of sexual discrimination, assuming it merely a pathetic attempt at playing the victim. How hypocritical of me, aye? Ladies… I’m sorry and I promise to be more sympathetic to your struggles from now on.

Amazing facts about India

My Pops sent me this awesome PowerPoint slideshow about India. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

The Power of the Internet

Some people believe that social networking is detrimental to society because it keeps us away from participating in ‘real life’. I disagree. As an individual with Asperger Syndrome and Social Anxiety Disorder, the Internet is my golden ticket to the world. It allows me to communicate with others and express myself in a way that just isn't possible in 'real life.' And truthfully, there is no given way in which you must enjoy life. Life is what you make it. Some people enjoy walking in the park, while others prefer engaging a lively online discussion. I do agree, however, that the Internet isn't everything. Exercise, family, volunteer work, and community participation all hold their merits as well. That’s why it’s important to build a good balance.

The Right to Bear Arms

I don’t particularly approve of people bearing arms, but I am more than willing to tolerate it so long as they seek training on how to use them correctly. A study on Dateline or 20/20 illustrated how many gun owners barely know how to handle their weapons. In a dramatic example, three test subjects were confined in a classroom and then told to defend themselves as a fake terrorist kicked his way in and starting shooting. The study proved that individuals without proper training are much more likely to miss and accidentally shoot an innocent bystander.

So if you want to own a gun, go hunting, or even take your kids hunting, all I ask is that all of you get the proper certifications. I have no problem with little Terry Jr. kicking ass in the wilderness, so long as he knows what he’s doing. Owning a gun is like knowing karate: you must use it with wisdom.



Blood Diamonds

Last week, I watched the 2006 thriller ‘Blood Diamonds’ and was blown away by its intense portrayal of the blood diamond wars that occurred and probably still occur throughout Africa. The movie was so intense that I had to utilize all 4 inches of my manhood to keep from breaking down in tears. If you haven’t already seen it, then RENT IT TONIGHT!

Celebrity Rehab with Doctor Drew

I love this show. I was in rehab for marijuana addiction—I used to steal my Mother's jewelry and sell it for dope money—when I was 18. The environment on the show is realistic to a tea; it's a true-to-life depiction of what rehabilitation is like for countless other Americans attempting to achieve sobriety. The show is also extremely fun, especially with all the drama caused by Queen Diva Kari Anne (who is so fine, but such a bitch). On a VH1 blog about Celebrity Rehab, a woman complained that the show is stupid and pointless because all it does is feed to the narcissism of drug addicts. Ugh… that’s such an insensitive thing to say. And that, in fact, is the lead in to my next topic.

Taking Pleasure in Other’s Misfortunes

Less than two years ago, I strolled the streets as a broke-down ‘trick’ bent on easing my pain with booze. Many people roared in glee at my misfortune; they basically felt that I was and will always be nothing but a loser. Well since then, I’ve obviously risen from the circumstances of my past. The irony is that some of the same people who took pleasure in my misfortune have since lost their businesses and fell into their own pits of turmoil. Do you see me taking a single bit of pleasure in their misfortune? It is, in my opinion, absolutely disgusting when one human takes pleasure in another human's misfortune. Don't get me wrong, though; we all do it! Every single time a loud-mouthed baby-mama on Maury finds out that the 'jerk' who wouldn't pay child support ISN'T ACTUALLY THE FATHER, I feel like getting naked and humping a stuffed animal like a dog. All I'm saying is.... don't ever lose touch with your humanity. It just seems like some people have become so embroiled with bitterness that they don't care about anyone or anything anymore. Please don't let that happen to you.



Jokes [PARENTAL ADVISORY]

#1.

A good friend of mine asked me to leave a funny comment for her facebook status. She asked, “Should men have to step up their game for Valentine’s Day?”

My reply was as follows:

Both men AND women need to step up their game on Valentine's day. If Darnell don't eat pussy, he better practice on a watermelon! And if Michelle don't suck dick, she better practice on a banana! Because on Valentine's day, it's about going that EXTRA MILE! I surely do not eat pussy, but for Valentine's day, I'll shove my mouth right into that den of eewy gooey chopsuey!

#2.

This static electricity has me losing my fragernackle mind. It's 91% humidity, and yet I'm still getting fried like a death row inmate on the electric chair. My friend recommended that I carry around a metal object. So I’m now holding onto this metal stapler. I’m going to carry it with me everywhere. I just hope that my drunk ass doesn’t accidentally staple my dick shut with it while in the baffwoom.

Alright. Before I go, I want to just say sorry to anyone whom I may have offended. It is not my intention to offend or hurt anyone; it's just that I really enjoy being both thoughtful and provocative in my writing. That’s just how I roll. And I realize that I'm very inconsistent. I'll say one thing, and then go and say the exact opposite. My mind moves at 30,000mph. I'm trying to slowly pull it all together with my slow ass, but it's going to take me a lot of time. I also realize that some of the topics I discuss are either meaningless or cliché. I do read the news (when I wake up, 10+++ times intraday, and before I go to bed), but I’m only passionate about certain issues. And I also realize that I’m being very defensive today :-D.

Have a nice weekend and please smile, laugh, and OH YEAH, if you’re lucky enough to have sex on Valentine’s Day, then no offense, but FUCK YOU!

PS – The dog story will be dropping soon.

PS #2 – Good Bye, NBC! After watching a few episodes of Jimmy Kimmel live, I’m now hooked for good. I’m sick and tired of all the bullshit at NBC. My prayers go out to Jay Leno, Kevin Eubanks (known as The Bald Eagle @ Chippendales), and the Tonight Show, which I honestly and sadly expect to see fail. I’m still rooting for you though, Jay!

Friday, February 5th | All of the Above (Maino)

For the next couple of weeks, I want to celebrate Black History Month by promoting the voice of young Black Americans. Maino, in particular, is a 27-year-old rapper who rose from prison to fame and fortune by changing his mentality, recognizing his strengths, and working hard. God Bless you Maino and may your message inspire many others to follow behind you.

“I'm a miracle baby,
I refuse to lose,
This what the ghetto done made me,
I put that on my father,
Tryna hope for tomorrow,
When I think that I can't,
I envision Obama,
I envision the diamonds,
I envision Ferraris,
If the world was perfect,
All my niggas behind me,
Ain't you happy I made it?
That I'm making a statement?
Take a look and you can tell
That I'm destined for greatness!"

Black History Month

I would like to extend love to all my local Black friends. I earnestly look forward to celebrating Black History Month by your side. I’ve begun my adventure into Black History Month at History.com and TvOneOnline. In fact, this month TvOne is hosting reruns of the Flip Wilson Show and the Richard Pryor Show. And as you can probably tell, I am especially enjoying this portion of my journey. By the way, if you aren’t down with Richard Pryor, then you can’t be down with me! He is by far the funniest comedian that I have ever encountered. No other man has ever left me laughing out loud quite as much as him.

I also want to note how SHOCKED I was to see Tim Reid, Paul Mooney, John Witherspoon, Sandra Bernhard (She’s on Roseanne), and ROBIN WILLIAMS on the Richard Pryor Show. What was even more astonishing was how young they looked!

Anyway. I want to end by thanking Mo’Nique and Wanda Sykes—two of the most brilliant black comedians in the game right now—for continuing to spread black culture to households all across the world. I cannot even begin to thank you both for the inspiration you offer me. Ya’ll are heroes in my book!



White Supremacy

While viewing a Who Dat anthem video on YouTube, I glimpsed over some extremely racist comments being spouted by a young man known as MicrosoftDude (CAUTION: FILTHY LANGUAGE):

“Listen you dumb APE. go get your check and sheets, I think the mail man just came by...and as for a fuk? man your momma is a jizzz hole. LOL stupid retarded ape like wanna be human fuked up monkey mother fuker. your a waste of a human you know your a animal and you are ashamed of your filthy animal race. race war is coming ni**er and you think hitler was bad? BRUUU HAAAAA dumb as idiot ni**er"

I decided to view his YouTube profile and noted that underneath ‘About Me,’ he asks, ‘Why can’t I be proud too?’

Here is my reply:

It’s okay to be proud of who you are, young man—whether it’s White, Black, Asian, Irish, Baptist, or even a pitiful NBC Staff-Member. Go ahead and celebrate your culture, but don’t demean others in the process. What deters people from accepting the White-Pride movement is the Holier Than Thou attitude that you all tend to perpetuate. When Black Americans celebrate Black History Month, they don’t target White Americans; instead, they celebrate their history and culture, which is what cultural celebration is all about to begin with. You need to get over yourself, grow up, and learn to show some respect for all cultures and peoples. Only then will you be given respect in turn.

Racial Discrimination

Last week I inquired into why race-based discrimination is wrong, especially considering that age, gender, and income discrimination still remain so prevalent and widely-accepted. Obviously, racial discrimination is wrong for many reasons; a brief look into the Civil Rights era makes this abundantly clear: Rosa Parks, the North Carolina sit-ins at Woolworth's, and, if you still don't get it, fire-hoses! But does prohibiting certain races from enlisting in an organization make that organization racist? I’m still baffled by this question and hope that I one day discover the answer. I would say YES, but then how would I explain the Black Caucus? Miss Wanda Sykes… if you’re reading this, could you help a brother solve this riddle!? Hollatcha’ boyyyyyyyyyyy!

Transforming Our Dreams Into Reality

We all have dreams, but rarely do we achieve them. Many people give up altogether, in fact, and instead opt to hover in limbo between genuine happiness and utter distraught. The problem lies in their refusal to compromise their dreams. You see, as we mature, it’s necessary that we continually update our dreams by trimming unrealistic expectations and adding along more reasonable parameters—so that they one day fit into what’s actually possible. The goal is to eventually transform our dreams from mere fantasy into actual reality.

For instance, my ultimate dream is to become a famous rapper/writer who brings forth world peace, eliminates poverty, and greets aliens upon their arrival. Obviously, that’s never going to happen—except in my dreams, where I, in fact, already have two babies on the way from my pregnant extra-terrestrial wife (She's hot, bro!). Seriously though, I’ve come to accept that certain things just aren’t possible.

What is possible, however, is that I may become a successful writer with one or two books under my belt. Even that is still quite out of my current reach, but at least it’s feasible. What I’ve done is narrowed my dream by replacing famous with successful; eliminating the desire to become a rapper; and removing illusions of grandeur by accepting that I cannot achieve world peace, end poverty, or play Nintendo Wii with ET.

As my career blooms and success looms closer, I can further annotate my dream by incorporating additional elements, such as the prospect of a New York Time’s bestseller, or even the chance to speak on a national television talk show. Truthfully, I will probably rehash my dreams 10 times or more before I even get remotely close to reaching it. The goal is to always keep your dream slightly out of reach—enough so that it’s possible, but only via a lot of hard work.

So what modifications can you make to your dreams today so that they pose a better chance at coming to fruition?

The Rise of Fox Network (Not Fox Network News)

I am in love with Fox; their lineup of shows has me addicted! For drama and adventure, they have House, Lie To Me (currently out of season OoS), 24, and Human Target. For reality, they have Kitchen Nightmares, Hell’s Kitchen (OoS) and Cops. And for comedy, they have Wanda Sykes, Sarah Palin, and if all goes well, they’ll soon have Conan O’Brien. Phew… they got NBC by the balls, man!



Does That Make Him Gay?

During a session of the ‘Let’s Talk’ facebook talk show this week, the crew asked whether a self-defined straight man who engages in gay porn just for money is gay. My answer to this question is absolutely NO! I’ve known one or two men who worked in the gay-4-pay industry just to pay their bills and avoid homelessness. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes life leaves one with limited options. And as I’ve stated countless times before, sexuality is about much more than just sex; it’s about emotions. If you harbor romantic inclinations only for women, you are a straight man—no matter what additional activities you may have engaged in during the past.

Sadly, society fails to recognize this. Many people view these issues in only 2 dimensions, which, I’m sorry to say, is ignorant, narrow-minded, and just plain stupid. And once you’ve been stigmatized by society as gay, your chance of ever finding true love with a woman ceases to exist. As soon as any woman discovers your past, they immediately say, “You’re gay!” Idiocracy seriously knows no bounds these days!

Haiti Child Sex-Trafficking

Sighs. In the words of Forrest Gump, “Stupid is as stupid does.” Just looking at a picture of the supposed Haiti sex-traffickers, I’m wholly convinced that they are just a batch of dumbasses who didn’t think things through. I appreciate their missionary efforts, but they went about the whole ordeal completely wrong. They’re obviously going to have to pay the price in regards to the law, but please don’t be so harsh on them otherwise. They’re just stupid—it’s as simple as that. DEE TAH DEE!

Death

The termination of existence is one of those concepts that I’m still unable to fully grasp. It troubles me immensely when people die on a TV Show. For instance, earlier this week on 24, a former convict was gunned down by a ruthless mobster. His unnecessary death still haunts me—what if it was me? Ideally, I would like to live at least 120 years, if not forever. Dying is so tragic; you lose everything that you’ve worked so hard to acquire: material wealth, personal achievements, physical prowess, and worst of all, contact with your loved ones.

Dogs

Instead of complaining about having to help take care of my roomie’s dog, I’m trying to transform it into a meaningful experience. In certain ways, taking care of a dog is like taking care of a young child. You must constantly douse them with love and affection, and even more importantly, discipline them in a way that is fair, but not unkind. At first, I would bitch-slap her. I now realize the error of using such a methodology. She’s not an idiot; she replies to my slaps by catching a serious attitude. How would I feel if somebody bitch-slapped me? Well, if a woman did it, I’d be turned on—but that’s beside the point. A much better approach to discipline involves rewarding correct behavior instead of punishing bad behavior. When we play fetch, for instance, I now say ‘Good Girl’ and pet her on the head when she opts to bring the ball all the way back to me. And guess what—it works like a charm!

Jokes

These are all jokes that did exceptionally well on my Facebook page. Mind you, all my friends are just as crazy as I am.

I'm pissed. Michael Baisden, on behalf of women, just asked men, "Where all the heterosexual men that aren't crazy?" First of all, how do you define crazy? Second, crazy men need love too! Third, I may be crazy, but I'm packing some Grade-A, USDA-Certified meat, so come get it while it's young, fresh, and hot off the grill! (I said it, yes I did!)

Today Michael Baisden is talking about why it's important to groom your pubic area "For real doe!" This reminds me that I need to trim the hedges soon. Thank God I have an electric John Deere dickmower with variable speed and detachable ball scrubbers!

So today Michael Baisden is talking about gay men in the military. A man named Charles called in and complained that gay men in his unit stare at his butt in the showers. Look... if you're staring at my butt, that just means I'm doing my got dayum squats right! So gon' head stare (BUT DON'T TOUCH) at this fine bubbly ass! Betcha' if you drop a quarter on it it'll bounce! (Yes, I said it!)

Politics

You've probably noticed that I've completely quit discussing politics. What's the point; those who disagree will ALWAYS disagree! Plus, I know more about Jay Leno's socks than I do politics. So why even bother!? I'll let brilliant minds like Bill Maher handle that stuff!

Stephen King

Every superstar needs an arch-enemy. My default arch-nemesis is none other than Stephen King. There are four reasons that I've chosen him:

#1. He's a Libra.
#2. My brother likes him, and anything that my brother likes, I must dislike.
#3. He blatantly stole Michael Jackson's facial features, especially his big ass nose.
#4. He once made a very mean comment about somebody whom I can relate well with.

Other than that, I have the utmost respect for the man and his incredible writing talent, although I refuse to read his books; they’re too crazy even for my crazy ass. You must realize that there are different temperaments of craziness. And more often than not, crazy people don’t get along with each other.

Self Confidence

It all starts within. Once you truly accept and love yourself unconditionally, you will exude with confidence and draw others toward your light. Some will love you and some will hate you, but so long as you love yourself, nobody will be able to extinguish your flame—no matter how hard they try otherwise. Real talk from Pastor V of the First Episcopal Lutheran Buddhist Church of the Latter Day Hindus.

Who Dat Nation

The Saints are going to whip the Colts into DUST. Why have I sided with the Saints? Because they sound spiritual; plus they’re from New Orleans. Seriously, WTF do I know about football!?



PS – What does Colts stand for?

C - Count
O - on
L - Losing
T - the
S - Superbowl!

aHAH (:-D)



Alright. I’m out of here. Have a GREAT SUPERBOWL WEEKEND!

Friday, January 29th | Got To Be Real (Cheryl Lynn)

I haven’t had enough time to sit down and really think this week because, once again, I've been extremely busy just trying to maintain. America is in a recession and times are tough! And so since I’m kind of desperate for meaningful comment and in a hurry to produce something quickly, don’t be surprised if I pull stuff out my ass tonight.

Is It Really Racist?

Is it truly racist for an organization to exclude certain people based on race? What about gender, age, and income? I’m not certain how valid this is, but I assume that the Boy Scouts of America is exclusive to only young boys—and vice versa for the Girl Scouts. In addition, country clubs, sports teams, and even the government (a person must be at least 35 to be President or Vice President, 30 to be a Senator, or 25 to be a Representative) all base their membership on certain qualifications, including age, gender, and income. So why can’t an organization exclude members based on race as well?... I’m still working on an answer to this question.

CNN Story Comments

CNN gets blown up with some of the dumbest comments ever written. For the sake of my sanity, I’m going to quickly rebut the most common and most annoying top 3 comments of all time:

#1. Learn to write correctly!

A news writer must constantly produce compelling stories that not only clearly relay relevant information, but also catch and hold onto the reader’s short attention span as well. Considering how many articles the average writer must handle within a day, it’s no surprise that occasional punctuation and grammar errors pop up. And editors, despite their diligent training, must process stacks of news story articles per day—so it’s likely that they might accidentally skip over an error or two now and again.

My point is that perfection just isn’t possible, at least not in regards to writing news stories. The news industry is extremely fast-paced and so the process of conveying news must be extremely efficient, which means that articles need to be written fast enough to keep up with the constant influx of incoming news. This leaves very little time for perfectionist-like proofreading. So unless you’ve worked in the field of writing, check your attitude at the door!

FYI—I don’t write news articles. My articles on WAN are kind of a combination between a news story and a feature article. A news story typically focuses on the five Ws: Who, What, When, Where, Why. In fact, the answers to all five questions should always be readily available within the first two paragraphs. With a feature story, you have the freedom to space things out and add a lit bit of commentary/opinion.

#2. This story isn’t news!

Every single action or event constitutes news. I just scratched my hairy butt; that’s news! According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, in fact, news is defined as “a report of recent events” or “previously unknown information.” Did you know that my left scrotal sack droops slightly more than my right scrotal sack? Yes—that’s news!

There are different categories of news, including Headline News, Entertainment News, Sports News, and even Weird Asian News. Even a piece of headline news doesn't necessarily have to be relevant to you; it need only be sensational in some way, shape, or form. So quit complaining about relevancy and go locate a story that is actually important to you.

#3. The title is misleading!

Writers use misleading headlines to draw the audience’s attention. However, just because the title is misleading does not make it incorrect. The key to creating such a headline is to utilize what’s known as a double entendre, wherein a spoken phase can be read in two separate ways. For instance, consider this headline: Prostitutes appeal to Pope. Does the Pope like the prostitutes, or are they appealing to him and atoning for their sins? That question in itself is plenty enough to draw in a curious and probably confused reader.

Random Pointless Question

Why does the guy on Reno 911 wear a pink bandana? Is he gay, and if so, why doesn’t he wear matching pink shorts and shoes?

Are You a Slave or Master of Your Life?<

Are you a slave to some predetermined destiny, or do you proudly commandeer the reins of your existence? If you answered yes to the former, then may I ask why you feel as if you’re trapped? What conditions supposedly bar you from achieving your dreams? You know, there are two ways you can approach life. The first method is to presume destiny and wait for fate to drive you toward that which you seek. The alternative requires that you take full responsibility for your gains and losses, which means putting forth the extra effort needed to push your own self—without fate’s assistance—straight up the stairs of success.

Do You Tiptoe Through Life

Some people tiptoe through life because they’re afraid of offending or hurting others. If somebody approaches you and complains about your activity, then certainly do apologize, but don’t allow them to change who you are. What I loathe more than anything is having my freedom restricted by people scared of the truth. To act a role is fake, and 'fakeness,’ in my opinion, is the opposite of truth.

During my trip to India, my brother oftentimes bemoaned my behavior, claiming that I was being disrespectful to those around me. The irony is that nobody else was complaining, including my uncles, cousins, and other relatives. He basically wanted me to sugarcoat my behavior so that it would better appeal to others—although it seemed like he wanted me to curb my behavior to better appeal to him. I absolutely refused to do that because that's akin to acting a role, which is fake.

The last thing I wanted was my family to perceive me in a false light. I desired that they know me for who I am—for better or worse. By the way, I don’t mean to put my brother on blast, but I got to be real!

Bankruptcy

I officially filed for bankruptcy this week. All was well, except for one slightly annoying occurrence. During the official hearing, the trustee (named SkinnyMan or something like that) burst out loudly with, I paraphrase, “You own practically nothing! Are you a Buddhist or something?” Luckily for him, I was adorned in my professional garb; otherwise, I would have jumped across the table and smacked him (j/k).

The truth is that I own plenty of valuables; it’s just that they’re not worth that much. All I really need to be happy is a fast computer with RoadRunner Internet access, an analog television set with a digital cable box and Movies-on-Demand, a bunch of protein-rich food, and a bevy of cheaply purchased fitness equipment.

Fame Without Fortune

I regret sharing my WAN links because local residents are starting to recognize me on the streets. This would be quite dandy if it weren’t for the fact that I just filed for bankruptcy! I’m famous but have no money, which basically makes me Kevin Federline.

Tattoos

I’m very interested in getting a tattoo, but I’m worried that my foolishness will drive me to choose something stupid like ‘Kid Dynomite’ or, even worse, ‘Unofficial Black Man.’

Traveling

I feel so sophisticated from having traveled to India that I just want to just smoke a cigar and make love to an Italian woman with a Russian accent.

Damn Dogs

Sighs. El Gringo’s list of party fouls keeps growing exponentially. Let’s review the most recent ones:

#1. Going ‘baffwoom’ on other people’s lawns. Speaking of which, I apologize to my neighbors for taking so long to clean it up. I prefer to allow the doo-doo to dry up and marinate in the soil because trying to scoop it up while it’s fresh and moist is quite nauseating.

#2. Taking too much bed-space. Just like a woman, this Lady dog likes to take up all the space on my bed. I’m so tired of being forced by women—or their canine counterparts—to make love to the wall! It’s MY bed, you bitch! (She’s a female dog and so my use of the word bitch is NOT INAPPROPRIATE in this instance.)

#3. Bringing the ball back only 75% of the way during a game of fetch. What the hell is your major malfunction, you bitch? (I’m enjoying this bitch thing wayyyy too much!) I wonder, at times, if she does this on purpose to hint that my throw sucked—which is certainly possible since I throw like a girl—or to make me work as hard as her. Conniving little mutt!

#4. Farting in my room. I feed you tiny bits of ham, chicken, and beef, and you return the favor by stinking up my room? No more food for you! NEXTTTTTTTTTT!

#5. Barking at my dark-black upstairs roommate while he was climbing the very dimly lit stairs. Racist ass motherfucker…

Don’t Touch Me
Howie Mandel made a quick appearance on the Jay Leno Show tonight to discuss his recently released book, ‘Don’t Touch Me’ which details his life as an extremely obsessive compulsive maniac. No matter where he goes and what he does, his extreme OCD interferes with his ability to function as a normal adult male. I’m very excited to read his book—as soon as my bankrupt ass can afford it, of course—because I understand his struggle to a tea. (or is it tee?) I hope one day in the faraway future to follow in his path by writing a book that depicts my struggle with Asperger's Syndrome and Social Anxiety Disorder. Much love and respect to you, Mr. Mandel. Oh, by the way, want to loan a brotha some money so he can quit his day-job and write that darn book? (wink wink) J/K

I want to go now an actually ENJOY MY WEEKEND! It’s 2:30am and I have yet to hit the chatrooms. pEaCe!

Friday, January 22nd | Mama Used to Say (Junior)

I'm sorry, but this post is kind of short. I'm been very busy this week and only had a few hours today to dedicate to it—most of which were spent lying in bed and trying to figure out WTF I'm interested in talking about.

Martin & Malcolm

Michael Baisden posed a great question this week. What would Martin and Malcolm most be proud of, and what would they most be ashamed of?

They'd be proud of how far we've all come, but they'd be equally disappointed at how much we have yet to learn. We waste far too much time hating and trying to destroy one another. A lot of us, in my opinion, aren't seeing the big picture because too much intolerance, apathy, and cynicism still line our hearts. MLK begged us to turn the other cheek, but we oftentimes choose to fire back with a punch instead—be it physical or verbal. We must stop hating and start loving, and that means opening our hearts to other people's feelings, because at the end of the day, emotions are all that bind us together.

Haiti

Sadly, many people refused to watch the telethon tonight due to their anger at all the involved celebrities—many of whose personal donations cannot be verified. They’re also complaining that celebrities aren’t donating enough money; FYI, I only donated $5, which is equivalent to a measly .4% of my monthly salary. However, HOW DARE ANYBODY presume who is donating and how much someone should donate. It’s this sort of callous and uncalled for cynicism that threatens to ruin this great country we all love so dearly. I daresay that the indigent masses struggling to survive in Haiti have more heart and much more to offer than these cowardly cynics ever will.

All White Basketball Team

A man known as Don ‘Moose’ Lewis has formed an ‘All White Basketball Team’ because “he wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of [the] ‘street ball’ played by ‘people of color.’” I can work with that; do you all day, everyday. What I cannot tolerate, however, is this blatantly racist clause lodged in their eligibility requirements:

"Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league.”

That’s called racism. Now, some people have mentioned the Congressional Black Caucus to me, which Wikipedia describes as exclusive to only Black Americans. I’m willing to admit that there refusal to admit any white members is extremely suspect and could be construed as racist as well. However, my blackness will not permit me to comment on this any further.

India

I hope that I didn't offend any local Hindus with my post last week. I was trying to be real and honest, while still dousing my piece with a smidgen of good humor. I'm interested in learning more about Hindu culture, but I don't want you calling me a Hindu. I'm an agnostic American with a predilection for black culture and Christianity. KK? Got it? Cool. Namaskar & Daps!

Jay vs Conan

This whole Jay Leno vs Conan O'Brien predicament is quite sad—especially the immature and hateful responses being generated by some of us in the general public. Both Jay and Conan have admitted that they hold no animosity toward each other because they realize that the real enemies are NBC and, more specifically, the affiliates bullying NBC into making such a rash decision. But even then, NBC isn't an enemy because all it's doing is conducting good ol' fashioned American business. The world isn't perfect and as Conan so eloquently put it, we don't always get everything that we want. That's life. In the words of Tupac Shakur, “I know it seems hard sometimes, but remember one thing. Through every dark night, there’s a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out, keep ya head up.... and handle it.”

It's too bad this happened, though, because I thoroughly enjoyed the way things were. I’m even willing to admit that Jay doesn’t really deliver quite nearly as many LOL moments as Conan does. Still, I like him nonetheless because he’s a good guy with a consistent track record. All in all, Jay tickles my funny bone from 10 to 11, Mo’Nique strokes it hard from 11 to 12, and Conan makes it bust from 12 to 12:30.



*Sighs* I'm going to miss the awkward little feller. And don't even get me started on tonight's heart-wrenching outgoing speech; it was so real and down to Earth. I especially appreciated his comments on washing away cynicism, never giving up hope, and staying focused on the future. God Bless you, Sir, and GOD SPEED! My prayers are with ya’ll, especially Andy! I don't love you, but I'll make love to you. Remember, loving a man is GAY, but making love to a man... not so much! (J/K)

Cats vs Dogs

I’ve always preferred the company of cats because they’re easy to manage. You feed them, water them, change their litter box, and then leave them to fend for themselves. The problem, however, lies in their lack of socialization skills; they’re quite obnoxious and moody little critters. They act like they can’t stand your presence, and then they go poop on your bed just because you left them alone for a day. Make up your damn mind. Do you want some attention or not?

Dogs, on the other hand, are loyal and friendly; they’ll stand by your side through thick and thin. But the problem is that they’re just so damn lazy: they don’t clean up after themselves, they ain’t got a job (cats are Mice Chasers), and they expect you to keep them continually entertained. Do I look like Bozo the Clown? This lack of responsibility, by the way, will be the lead-in for my first-ever upcoming short story, tentatively titled: Man vs. Dog — The War of the Turds.



I realize that it sounds stupid. And to be honest, it probably WILL BE stupid. But it’s my first-ever short story, man! I can only get better from here on out. I’m still developing the plot and characters in my head, so it won’t drop for awhile. I guess I'm just a 'punk writer' like Conan once was, but at least I'm not a fricken ginger! (I said it, yes I did!)

That’s it for this week. Keep your eyes peeled for an incoming slew of articles on WeirdAsiaNews.

~~~~~~~~

I want to officially end this post by reminding everybody of the misery still unfolding in Haiti. The children of Haiti are being forced to grow up much quicker than they should have ever been. To these children, I pass on the lyrics of artist Junior in the hopes that God will hear it and heed its message. God Bless and may the Lord wipe away their tears and unleash joy on their young spirits.

pEaCe

“
And mama used to say:
Take your time young man
And mama used to say:
Don't you rush to get old
And mama used to say
Take it in your stride
And mama used to say
Live your life
“

PS - The best way to help right now is to submit money or food. Unless you’re trained to handle such a tragedy or you work for a relief organization, it’s not wise to fly to Haiti. They don’t need bystanders interrupting the relief efforts.

Friday, January 15th | Return from India: Back to Life, Back to Reality (Soul II Soul)

The pictures included in this blog posting have all been taken from Google. My Mom, Pops, and brother were in charge of pictures/videos, and I doubt they'll allow me to share our family photos with ya'll.

A toasty cheeseburger drenched in ketchup and mustard; a Marlboro Light cigarette stuffed with freshly grown American tobacco; bacteria free water that’s been properly filtered a thousand times over; and sexy women who bathe frequently. God, it feels Great to finally be back HOME in my Mother country, the United States of America, the land of the free and the home of the brave. I’m a McDonalds-eating, Walmart-loving American and damn proud of it. Yo DJ—turn up the music and let’s get this party started!

The Parable of the Tree

Before I begin, I want to relate a parable that I've devised which accurately depicts my perception of 'family roots.'

Consider a tree seed. It lands upon the Earth and digs roots deep into the soil. It then sprouts upwards, gradually revealing generation after generation of descendents. Many years later, a lone baby seed lying atop the canopy tumbles from its parent and is whisked away to a far-off land. In time, it too lands upon the Earth and digs toward the ground and sprouts toward the sky, eventually forming its own ‘tree.’ The cycle continues on and on, until one day perhaps a great grand-descendent of the original seedling finds itself on an entirely new planet—or perhaps even in a whole different universe.

I am like the lone seed atop the canopy. Although my parents hail from India, I intend to build my own family tree here in the United States of America. I am not obliged to teach my children and grandchildren anything about India; they are welcome, though, to learn for themselves. Look folks—if we choose to identify ourselves strictly by our forefathers, then the truth remains that we are all nothing but cavemen and should therefore relish our ancestor’s past by drawing on walls and dancing by a raging midnight fire. Obviously though, our forefathers have resettled many times over in lands all across the globe. This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the cycle of life.

I tire immensely of certain Indians who demand that I forego by beliefs, religion, and culture because of some purported obligation to recognize the culture of my forefathers. To these assholes, I say, “Fuck your cow!” (j/k) Seriously, though, I am a proud American. I will not watch Hindi movies, listen to Hindi music, or even read Hindi news just because some culturally obsessed turd has the audacity to try and define who I am. I choose my own destiny; the ability to decide for myself is what makes America such a wonderful place. Don’t get me wrong. I find the Indian culture to be fascinating; I just don’t want it forced on me.

Itinerary (for anybody who’s interested)

Delhi
Bereilly
Haldwani
Kashipur
Dehradun

Quality of Life

The quality of life in India is just plain miserable. Most homes have no heat, hot water, or Internet access. As for electricity, it comes and goes randomly; you’re lucky to have it for 50% of the day, if even that much. To take a shower, you first heat up the water on a stove, pour it into a bucket, mix it with cold water, and then pour it on yourself with a ladle. It's a very annoying experience, especially considering that India is currently in winter. You have to keep scooping and pouring, unless you don't mind freezing.



Culinary Delights

Indian food, in general, consists primarily of rice, dal, potatoes, and snacks. Their definition of a hotdog is a hotdug-bun stuffed with mashed up brown potatoes and lettuce—YUCK! It sucks because I went from a 150g/day protein diet to maybe 30g/day at best; the effect on my muscles is noticable, but I'm gradually rebuilding mass. It feels great to be back on a diet of chicken, cottage cheese, protein powder, and mixed vegetables! The best snack in India, by the way, is definitely Gulab Jamun!



Traffic Infrastructure (or the lack thereof)

Besides major cities like Delhi and Mumbai, India, for the most part, lacks an official traffic infrastructure. You choose which direction to drive—although you are supposed to stay on the left side—and it is up to you to weave in and out amongst the rickshaws, motorcycles, taxis, cars, horses, goats, cows, dogs, and beggars that crowd the streets. It is amazing, however, how well the Indians manage to avoid traffic accidents; despite the unending chaos, we witnessed only one incident throughout the whole three-week trip.



Noise Galore

Horns. Horns everywhere. Every five steps forward is littered by a never-ending cacophony of beeps, bellows, and burps howling from the cars that pass by me. It feels like somebody is pulling on my eardrums with a tweezer. You get used to it after a while, but damn it feels good to be back in the quiet suburban streets of Raleigh, North Carolina! Speaking of noise, a Muslim speaker sings at the entire city through a bullhorn approximately every three hours, even throughout the night. It’s very annoying to be constantly awakened by his loud ass, but it’s part of the culture here. I never realized that Islam has such a strong presence in India.



Indian Markets

Most Indian commerce occurs in tiny Mom and Pop shops instead of a super-market. Finding a pair of shoes can take hours because you must locate a shoe store amongst the hundreds of little depots that litter the alleyways. It’s a very inefficient system that needs a total rehaul from the bottom-up. My brother, being the Portland liberal that he is (no disrespect intended), supports such commerce, but I find it to be ineffective and a total waste of resources and time. It does, however, keep everybody employed.



Jewelry

Indians have an affinity for jewelry, including rings, bracelets, and necklaces. The irony is that my single bracelet outshined every piece of jewelry that I encountered. On more than one occasion, in fact, bystanders approached me and commented on much they liked my jewelry. In general, Indians seem to prefer gold, and they apparently don't mind if it's old and rusty. Personally, I demand that my jewelry sparkle in the sunlight.



Mahatmas Gandhi

Most notable about this trip was my visit to the memorial of world-renowed role model and hero Mahatmas Gandhi. On the eve of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I want to remind readers that MLK was greatly inspired by Gandhi, particularly his belief in non-violent revolution.



Recommendations

#1. If you are a smoker planning a visit to India, then don’t waste a single rupee on Marlboros, Camels, or any other American brand of cigarettes. They are produced outside of America and therefore taste like shit. Your best bet is to purchase GoldFlake cigarettes—sold in a pack of 10 for approximately 35 rupees—from a street vendor.

#2. The best restaurant to dine at in Kashipur is the Hotel Manor. They have a brilliant Indian buffet, as well as a great continental menu. You can purchase a grilled chicken sandwich with French fries and coleslaw for only 90 rupees, which is less than 2.0 USD.

#3. Do not, under any circumstances, book a flight through Air India. The whole experience was lousy and completely under par compared to more reputable airlines like Lufthansa and American Airlines. Not only did we lose some of our luggage, but the crewmembers onboard refused to refill the toilet paper, and the food was just plain lousy.

#4. If you’re a weight-lifter or on a diet of some sort, make sure to bring along proper supplements like protein powder, Omega-3 fish oil tablets, and BOTTLED WATER.

#5. Don't give money to a street beggar; if you do, 5+ more will approach you within under 60 seconds. Trust me—I learned the hard way!

Interesting Family Members

Gyanshyam Mama

In Indian culture, a paternal Uncle is known as a ChaCha, whereas a maternal Uncle is known as a Mama. I appreciate the uniqueness of their family system, but there is no way in hell that my future American nephews and nieces will be referring to me as Mama; if anything, I’ll be known as ‘crazy Uncle ___’. Anyway. My favorite Uncle is Gyanshyam Mama. He is a former Indian powerlifting champion who used to deadlift approximately 550 pounds and bench 265 pounds. That’s not too much weight per American standards, but it’s tremendously impressive for India, especially considering that his most prolific days were back during the 70s and 80s. As well as showing me all his trophies, Gyanshyam Mama also treated me to his stash of beer and liquor for New Years. Lesson: Uncles know how to have the most fun! It didn't help, though, that my hating-ass Mom kept bitching at him to not let me drink more than 4 beers. Oh, pshhhhhh... quit hating, Lady! I drink a case of beer every weekend!

Where the G's at?

A maternal grandfather is known as Nana-G, a maternal grandmother as Nani-G, a paternal grandfather as Dada-G, and a paternal grandmother as Dadi-G. Yo—where the Gs at, son?

The Hindu Militant Midget

Although he’s not as cute as Michael Evans, my little cousin Rohit is as defensive of Hindu culture as Michael is of the black power movement. He constantly lectured me on Hindu culture and tutored me on Hindi words. Despite his obsession with India, Rohit does, however, have an intense passion for Michael Jackson; he claimed to have cried when he heard MJ passed away. This inspired me to teach him about other American artists like Lakeside, Naughty by Nature, and Earth Wind & Fire. By the time I left Haldwani, Rohit was addicted to my music. Ahhh—the pleasure that comes from having corrupted a Hindu youth!

The Anti-Indian Rocker

My cousin Mohit rejects everything about Indian culture. He instead pursues a life as a full-fledged Marilyn Manson and Godsmack loving rocker. He works for Travelocity, but spends his free time smoking on pure hash (and I mean PURE), drinking booze, and screwing his extremely sexy girlfriend. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I don’t particularly like his personality because he seems something cynical and two-faced. It'll be interesting to see how he changes as time progresses.

Mr. Sincere

My favorite cousin is Sumit. He’s a full-fledged Indian, but he possesses a golden heart full of love and spirit. He practically broke into tears during our departure. I’ll sincerely miss him and I hope that I can one day meet up with him again. Unfortunately for him, I have no intention of ever returning to India; the misery I suffered just isn’t worth it. Hopefully, he can one day find his way to the United States.

Sexy Cousins

It’s hilarious that such an ugly duckling like myself has so many sexy, beautiful cousins. Does this attraction to my female relatives make me a pervert? I sure hope not. Most disturbing of all is my cousin Ruthie, who bears a strong resemble to what my Mother looked like as a youth. My intense attraction for her is just plain sick and disgusting; I'll soon be scheduling an appointment with a therapist.

Indian Women

After this trip, I’ll now seriously consider an ‘AMERICAN Indian’ woman as a wife. The Americans I encountered on the airplane and at the airport were gorgeous, for the most part, and acted just as American as I do. They were attractive enough to put the average white woman to shame—and yes, I said it! Plus, they're really down to Earth and understand my struggle as an American Indian; and yes, I'm willing to classify myself as an AMERICAN Indian.



The Tragedy in Haiti

I’d like to extend all my love and blessings to the victims of the Haitian earthquake. If you haven’t already, please donate $5 to the Yele Haiti Foundation, founded by Wyclef Jean, by texting ‘YELE’ to 501501. Or better yet, donate $10 to the Red Cross by texting 'Haiti' to 90999. The way in which everybody is coming together to aid Haiti is truly awe-inspiring. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to bring us all together and wash away the unneeded cyncism and bitterness that oftentimes clouds our judgment.

House
This week’s episode of House had me laughing out loud over and over again. I know exactly how it feels to be continually accused of being homosexual, when in fact I am straighter than a ruler. People are so stupid that they oftentimes tend to judge sexuality by a person's personality instead of his or her romantic inclinations toward a particular gender. As I've said many times before, it’s all about what your heart desires—whether that’s a man, woman, or whatever.

BCFx

Black College Football Experience (BCFx) is a football game for the Microsoft Windows operating system and Xbox 360 gaming console that was released in September 2009. It’s a refreshing new game that depicts the culture of HBCU football—which, just for clarification, isn’t restricted one single bit to just black players. A typical HBCU is predominantly black, but still hosts a variety of different ethnicities, including Hispanics, Caucasians, and even Asians.

Many people are complaining that this game is racist. That’s absolute horse manure. HBCUs were originally created to offer black youth the opportunity to educate themselves—an opportunity which was once unavailable to them. Even after the civil rights movement passed, these Universities continued to function, but they NEVER once tried to block people of other races from joining their ranks. It just so happens that an HBCU focuses more on black culture. Never will you hear an Earth Wind and Fire or, God forbid, a 50 Cent song at a traditional predominately white University football game. At an HBCU, however, you can expect a whole slew of r&b, rap, and jazz culture.

The truth is that the entertainment industry—football included—is predominately white. Over the years, Blacks and Latinos have gradually crept up the ladder with their own television shows, television networks (BET, Telemundo), schools, and now even video games. Asians are beginning this steep climb as well; you can catch a little Ninja Warrior on B4, or partake in Hindi music on ____ (not sure, but I know it’s out there). Every single time, though, that a non-white people launch their own product or service, there’s a huge backlash by people claiming it to be racist.

Once in for all, I just want to tell these people to shut the fuck up. There's no such thing as 'reverse racism.' Either you're a racist ass or you're not. If you're quick to demonize a race for celebrating their culture, then you're a racist ass—case closed!

Running with El Gringo

I returned home to discover that my roomie has a big ol’ mutt with him. The little booger, who we shall refer to as El Gringo, is quite annoying, but she’s proving to be very beneficial to my workout regiment. She loves to walk and I love to run. I avoid running outdoors—and instead run in place indoors—because I don’t like doing it alone. With her by my side, I feel much safer. The irony is that I'm in better shape than she is; she runs out of breath and breaks down before I do.

On Harry Reid n Private Race Shit-Talking

I don't see anything remotely racist about Mr. Reid's comments. If you listen to the Michael Baisden show, which harbors a very intelligent black audience, you'll discover that most educated, professional black Americans have a zero-tolerance policy towards uneducated, illiterate rhetoric. They appreciate Obama because he casts a positive light on black culture by bringing forth the best that they have to offer.

At the same time, he still embraces some of the most questionable aspects of the culture—including rap music—because he's open-minded and realizes that everybody has something to offer. I used to speak foolishly, but I grew up and now articulate myself with class and dignity. Nevertheless, I still listen to rap music, dress in comfortable urban clothes, and have many friends still stuck on the streets. It's possible to be grown and classy, yet still affiliated with your roots.

In regards to racism, I know and realize 100% that it still exists in full effect. Just peruse through the Internet sometime and you'll see the ignorant trash that some of our more outspoken brethren like to spew. It’s ultimately irrelevant though because the close-minded morons littering society, in my naïve opinion, represent only a minority. I would hope that most of us know better.

But I admit that even I talk some shit sometimes (especially about white people, hehe), but I do it only out of anger; it passes quickly, allowing me to return to a logical and open-minded state of being. At the end of the day, I accept all people for their unique differences. When you become so absorbed in your petty anger that you start defending slavery or referring to black or other Americans as "the blacks" or "the whites", then you've obviously lost control of your marbles.

It's okay to talk a little shit in private (we all have our moment: "That fricken Indian technical support guy was so crappy I could smell his unwashed ass."), but just don't let that crap take over your mentality. Once you've succumbed to it, your hatred will stick out like a sore thumb—and people will avoid your whack ass!

On Hiphop

If you watch pornography, like violent movies, or listen to Marilyn Manson, then you are in no position to hate on hiphop. Pornography is the most shallow, misogynistic form of entertainment in the world, but everybody flocks to it like sheep.

I like hiphop–including the shallow, violent, and useless lyrics–because I find the experience fun. Watching a hiphop music video is like watching a film; for a few brief moments, I get to live the life of a rich, spoiled gangster or a womanizing player. After that, it's back to life, back to reality.

With all the violent imagery perpetuated today by heavy metal musicians, film producers, and writers like Stephen King (BARF), I find it just plain unbearable that so many people have such harsh thoughts about hiphop. Like it or not, the music genre is bigger than ever and will continue to grow and dominate WORLDWIDE. Even some Hindus on the streets of Delhi can be found vibing to the sweet beat of hiphop.

Ode to America

I wrote this 250-word sample article to apply for a pathetic side gig which I did, however, acquire, although it pays SHIT.

A toasty cheeseburger drenched in ketchup and mustard; a Marlboro Light cigarette stuffed with freshly grown American tobacco; bacteria free water that’s been properly filtered a thousand times over; and sexy women who bathe frequently. These are just a few of the quirks that go along with living in the United States of America. Although the US harbors a wide array of domestic and international problems, it still remains the greatest land on Earth. Pollution is almost non-existent, death from disease is relatively minor (at least compared to worldwide statistics), and the quality of life in America far outweighs the misery experienced worldwide.

More importantly, America provides its citizens with unfettered access to their dreams. Whereas other countries impede progress with unwanted rules and regulations—such as limits on free speech and regulations on proper behavior—the United States allows the individual to pursue almost any lifestyle that he or she desires. Only in America can a middle-aged Chinese man pursue a career as a sexy stripper with a big butt and thighs high to the sky—assuming he can afford the surgery, of course. And although the morality and ethics of such unhindered freedom is indeed questionable, nobody can deny that a free man or woman is typically happier than one trapped by the maxims of a restrictive regime.

It is therefore my stipulation that the United States of America is the greatest country on Earth. Let freedom reign and the voices of tyrants fade away like a whiff of bad breath.



God Bless America!

pEaCe

PS - As of January 17th, I'll officially be off vacation. :'(... this suckssssssss, man!