Friday, April 23th | Respect the Architect (Guru) -- R.I.P.

Good Evening! It’s FEEL GOOD FRIDAY! Best of all, a new episode of Wife Swap chockfull of immature adults was on tonight. One family was a Heene copycat, whereas the other believed in home schooling. Aye, Mios Dios! I’ll let the Heene-wannabas slide for today, but I must object to the home schoolers. I am, for the most part, against home schooling because too many parents don’t do it correctly. For instance, you can’t allow kids to choose what they would like to learn—and here’s why!

Learning 2 Learn (4 the Kids!)
Knowledge is power, but the ability to acquire new knowledge is even greater power.

I used to be a brilliant mathematician. During my college tenor, I breezed through Calculus I and II without difficulty. But nowadays, I would be lucky to pull a C+, at best, on a basic Algebra exam. I’ve forgotten all about exponential functions, quadratic equations and something called FOIL. If you give me a word problem, don’t be surprised if I crumble right in front of your eyes!

So what was the point of me learning algebra in the first place? This reminds me of an episode of Home Improvement, in which Brad asks Jill and Tim (his parents) why he needs to know how to solve compound fractions. Jill, in a temporary moment of blind insanity, describes how she uses compound fractions to calculate how much milk and cheese she needs to make cheese milk. What the heck is cheese milk!?

Seriously though, most of us don’t need to know about compound fractions, chemical equations and those subatomic thingamajigs called electronics. We will probably never use this knowledge during our adult lives. What we will use, however, is the ability to learn new concepts and ideas. That’s the point of studying all these wild and wacky concepts—to learn how to learn! And that’s exactly what highschool teaches us how to do. College, on the other hand, provides us with the basic skills and knowledge base we need need to excel at our career of choice. But what happens afterward?

You are on your own—that’s what! For instance, if you want to become a computer programmer, then you can take college courses on Java concepts like objects and classes. You'll learn about Java and even get you a chance to design your own Java program. But what happens after you graduate, and you're at work, and the boss asks you to write a program, and your teacher isn't available to assist? What then?

Here’s another example. I write technical reports for a product-database company. It is my job to analyze products like computers, Blu-ray disc players and stereo systems, and then prepare reports that describe their features and functions. Before I started this job, I had never even heard of a Blu-ray player, let alone a DSLR camera, a stereo passive crossover network or a solid-state drive. I studied hard and taught myself.

Back to algebra. I may not know how to solve quadratic functions, but I bet you that given a few days to relearn the material, I could blast through them like SpamBusters! It's because I possess the ability to learn or relearn material, whether new or old. If it weren’t for the education I received in highschool, I wouldn’t have this ability. Instead I’d be stuck scratching my head and tummy in confusion.

Look.......while in highschool, don’t concern yourself too much about what you’re learning. That doesn't mean don't pay attention! You can choose electives that fit with your career aspirations, but don’t make a fuss about being forced to learn about world history, mathematics, and science, to name a few. The extra info you acquire may seem useless, but learning to learn it—that’s priceless!

Archie Comics Introduces a Gay Character

Jughead isn’t gay? (BADA BOOM) That joke sucked.

Market Trading

I was very successful with my trading this week. Plus I’ve decided to rely on myself, instead of depending on my parents, which would have been the opposite of my initial goal to begin with! Starting today, I am depositing $10 into my real trading account every two weeks. At the moment, I will literally be trading with pennies and, if lucky, nickels. It could take months and months and months before I have enough equity to command some real leverage, but that gives me a perfect opportunity to test my strategies with REAL MONEY, albeit very little real money.

Anyway, if anyone is interesting in getting into FX trading, here are a few basic tips from an amateur:

#1. Use METATRADER 4 for all your chart analysis! Everything else is TRASH.

#2. Use OANDA for your broker. Everyone else is full of SHIT.

#3. Never use more than a 50:1 leverage ratio. It’s not worth the RISK.

#4. Read, study and read/study some more. Knowledge is POWER.

#5. Learn patience and discipline. Otherwise you will lose EVERYTHING.

Movie Recommendation

Endgame is a 2009 British film that "dramatizes the final days of apartheid in South Africa." It was independently produced, so it looks like crap, but it’s well worth it! If you don’t know what apartheid is, by the way, then you need to study your history books!



R.I.P. Guru

On April 19, rapper Guru, 43, succumbed to multiple myeloma. Many cite Guru as a true lyricist/rapper, unlike modern artists, whom they claim are fake, pop-culture-based knockoffs. With all due respect, this belief is based on total bullshit!

80s rap was divided between two basic types of lyricists: the intellectuals and non-intellectuals. The intellectual fellows, like Guru, spread intricate lyrics laced with avant-garde insights, whereas the non-intellectual fellows, like Chubb Rock, for instance, wrote fun or even outright ‘gangsterish’ songs that did indeed sound poetic—at least versus the crude, unabashed lyrics we hear nowadays—yet were no different than the lyrics of modern rappers like Lil Wayne, Gucci Mane and T.I. It’s all semantics.

The precise words being spoken today may differ, but the general messages being conveyed still remain the same—whether for better or worse. So whether you like it or not, both “good” and “bad” rap is here to stay! So no offense, but get over it! And yes, I realize that I’m a total hypocrite for using a phrase that I previously disparaged.

--

Anyway. I’m up out. Sighs… a few days after 4/20 and I’m out of you-know-what, even though I got $25 in my pocket. Ain’t that a B!? Betty White is getting really pissed off…. (refers to a comment I made earlier this week). She’s turning into Aretha Franklin! (that B don’t play no bull SHHHHHHHH….)

PS – Why do the families on Wife Swap bitch so much? They must strip away their normal life for only a fricken week! I’d love to drag their asses off to India for a MONTH and see how they like that! And why is it that the fathers ALWAYS magically come to their senses during the last 15 minutes of the show!?

Friday, April 16th | Ball Like Magic (Sonny King)

I’ve been enamored with this song ever since I heard it on the radio. The artist is quite unknown in that he has yet to blow up, so please google him and show some love.

Anyway, I’m suffering from fatigue and a fever, so my writing is going to be all over the place tonight. Plus I’m tired from writing technical report after report (including one on the Microsoft Kin One/Two) and article after article (including one on Thailand’s monkey police), not to mention caring for a dog, working out (despite ZERO upper-body gains), and studying the foreign currency exchange market. That reminds me…

Forex(FX) Market

I’ve been testing a myriad of different FX strategies this week. For the most part, they’ve all failed. I may, however, have finally stumbled on a successful approach by trading cross currencies (those that don’t involve the US dollar) like the EUR/CHF (Euro/Swiss Franc). I’ve managed to turn my net profit from –249 to –213, and I’m going to continue trading this method next week, in the hope that it’ll keep producing consistent results.

Once and ONLY ONCE I’ve proven that I can consistently procure successful trades over an extended period of time, my family will invest $250 to $500 into an account for me. My goal then will be to quad+-ruple the money and eventually become rich. It could take weeks, months or even years before this day arrives, but I intend to keep studying and demo-trading the market until I beat it, no matter how long it takes.

This isn’t just about securing financial wealth for myself, though. My parents are in their 50s/60s, yet they’re unable to retire due to all the expenses incurred from raising my obnoxious ass. The consequences of my teenage exploits—juvenile detention fees, court fees, rehab fees, crashed cars and much, much more—have cost them a heap of dough. As they have spent most of their adult lives caring for me, it is now time for me to return the favor and take care of them!

You know, if your parents are still alive and they were good parents, then don’t you dare ever lose motivation. Your spouse may have left you, your kids may hate you and even the dog might despise you—which begs the question: why the heck do you suck so much??—but your parents are still there for you, so why not be there for them? That’s real.

Doggy Discipline

Dog trainers say you should give your dog a treat for behaving well and ignore it when it behaves improperly. That’s like saying, “If you don’t rob the bank, I’ll give you $5.” Uh… sure thing, Skippy, but I’d rather rob the bank and get $5000! I’m not saying their strategy is wrong, but I strongly believe that certain dogs are too clever for such a passive methodology. So here’s what I do:

For one, I don’t give my dog a treat for just doing what she’s supposed to be doing. When she does something truly excellent, then she might earn a little biscuit, pretzel rod or, if she’s lucky, a cheese-stick. Otherwise, she ain’t getting jack shit! You gotta earn your keep around here, Homegirl! You don’t pay rent, you don’t do chores and you don’t even clean your own poop. Come on now!

Second, giving a dog a treat every time she performs well is like giving children money every time they bring home good grades. If you suddenly stop rewarding their behavior with treats & money, there’s a heavy possibility their rambunctious behavior will reappear once again. Mind you, Roland Fryer disagrees!

Third, I’m the pack leader, which means I’m the boss. And if you fail to follow the boss, you will suffer the consequences, which may include a 24-hour indoor lockdown, the silent treatment and even me farting in your face. Well, I discovered that the last one doesn’t work well because dogs apparently like the scent of poop—God knows why!—but I’m working on finding a suitable punishment-replacement.

I’m a tough disciplinarian and I don’t play bullshit. If I ever have boys, for instance, I’m going to raise them to be real men. I don’t want them turning out to be scared, apprehensive punks. They will study hard, play sports, maintain a humongous real-life social network, have sex in HS—protected, mind you, but lots of it!—and lead successful adult lives. You can bet your ascot on that!

Anyway. “My” dog is leaving in less than 30 days and even though I will miss her dearly, I bet you anything she won’t miss me. Sorry, but I ain’t falling for the ‘princess eyes,’ LADY! You in Celebrity Dog Bootcamp for right now, homegirl!



Shoes and Success

Wearing good shoes coupled with nice clothes doesn’t equate to being successful. I love looking fly when I can, but most of the time I look like pure shit. My hair is unkempt, my clothes are stained and my fingernails have been chewed/bitten-off to death. This sadly gives me the appearance of a bum, when in fact I am anything but one.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all down with fancy shit, but I just hate being looked down upon just because I don’t have any. Instead of spending money on shoes, clothes and a haircut, I’d rather direct my loot toward paying rent/bills, building a savings account and, of course, funding my drunken weekend binges (nobody’s perfect!).

This reminds me of the story about the ant and the grasshopper. The ant spent all summer gathering food/supplies and building his anthill, while the grasshopper rode around the lawn in his pebble-mobile with 20-micrometre, acorn-shell rims, smoking on leaf blunts and flirting with cute grasshopper hoes. But when wintertime finally came, the ant could be found sitting by his anthill fireplace, smoking out his petite leaf bong and making steamy love to his Queen, while the grasshopper, on the other hand, was outside digging snow, trying to earn enough to pay his gas bill.

In life, you can either be the ant or the grasshopper. There’s nothing wrong with spending money on things you enjoy—cars, jewelry, pizza, beer, whatever—but don’t be quick to cast your eyes down on someone who doesn’t fit what you consider to be the standard for success. Because a lot of the time, the grasshoppers are the ones flashing their money and living it up, while the ants are quietly building their fortune, waiting for their day to let it all loose and retire! N u kno that’s right!

Speaking of which, today has been BALLER DAY! While outside with my dog around 10:30 or so at night, car after car passed by bumping hot beats. Yo… WHERE THA BALLAZZZZ AT!???? Having a car with loud speakers doesn’t necessarily mean one is a baller, per se, but to my no-car-having ass, you’re baller so long as you have wheels and music! An old lady in a wheelchair holding onto a boombox is a baller as far as I’m concerned! Bust that beat, Granny! 4 real though… I have no hate toward people who enjoy nice cars and loud music! Do what you do, playa!

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Alright. That’s it. Night!

PS - My apologies to K97.5. I discovered the reason for my poor signal reception: my piece-of-crap, 5-year-old analog headset! I installed a fake-ass aluminum antenna on it to improve signal reception, and so it’s working slightly better now. I need to gon’ head and upgrade to this beast right here.

Friday, April 9th | So Fine (Howard Johnson)

WARNING ** Bad Grammar, Bad Punctuation, Bad Jokes, Bad EVERYTHING **

If you don’t like this song, then you’re either single & bitter and that’s okay, you’re gay & prefer Big Johnson’s “He's So Fine” remix and that’s okay, or you’re just jive, and that’s never okay!

Anyway, I’m just writing this because it’s 12am and I’m very bored. Otherwise, I would not even take the time to write anything because I just don’t care right now. I’m tired, bored, ridiculously full from eating pizza and PECAN PIE (mmm mmm GOOD SHIT, GOOD SHIT!), uninspired beyond belief, and impatiently waiting to get paid from boss #2.

One Million Mentors

I sadly could not attend the rally. Of the 12 people in my mobile phone contact list, the 4 or 5 who were actually available opted to pursue other endeavors instead. I’m disappointed, but I’m still going to pursue becoming a mentor. It did occur to me, however, that perhaps I should wait until I finally get a car again—it’s been over half a decade—because otherwise, I won’t even be able to take the kid anywhere. I need a got dang car, not a roller scooter, although I do greatly appreciate the donation that was either purposefully or accidentally left in my backyard! (I'm still waiting for the perfect time at night to test it out; I REFUSE to be seen playing with a scooter at my age!) I'm not making excuses, by the way. However, if I'm unable to make it to a mentor's meeting only 30 miles away, then it's quite unlikely I'd be able to mentor anyone, unless they live awfully close to me. The truth is that money is power, which is why...

Forex Markets

I have begun studying the Forex (FX) markets yet again. I quit practicing in 2009 because right when I started procuring big wins, my demo account was closed by FXCM due to expiration. I now have a new account with Oanda, as they are allowing me to operate a demo account indefinitely. Plus this time around, I am foregoing long-term strategies in favor of 1-minute scalping methods. As far as I can tell, mastering the Forex currency-exchange market is my one and only ticket to a better life. My amateurish writing, half-ass good looks, and wildly inappropriate sense of humor just aren't good enough to blast me to success, and that's real. Thankfully, Aspies are supposed to be especially skilled at spotting patterns; I am counting on this supposedly ingrained ability to aid me! What sucks is that the FX market is closed during the weekend. I would love to play with my demo account right now, but oh well!

2012

I watched '2012' last weekend, and it got me thinking. I was going to prepare a potentially long spiel on the subject, but by the time I finished my daily work, it was already 4am (time for Monk on Channel 126) or later, and so I wrote jack shit. I was essentially wanting to say that the world is not going to bloody end. The way in which we as a society currently function might 'end' per se, even though I highly doubt it. Most likely, nothing whatsoever will occur. In case something does happen, however, I'm 100% certain it will be positive, in that it will help propel us to a better age -- one full of love, tolerance, and prosperity. So please wipe 'end of the world' thoughts from your head because the very notion is outright ridiculous, not to mention insane. There will be no death panels, Armageddon, or Anti-Christ (although Mahmoud Ahmadingdong kind of looks like Satan, what with that beard).



Jogging on Friday

I witnessed a slew of joggers today. WTF is wrong with you people? You're not supposed to engage in vigorous activity -- besides sex -- on Feel Good Friday! In fact, you're not even supposed to touch yourself, although others are welcome to touch you. This is in fact the very reason I never bathe on Friday. I sure would love to find a woman willing to scrub-a-rub-dub me down on Fridays because I hate feeling so dingy! Sighs... as I said earlier: Bad Jokes, Bad EVERYTHING!

Dogs and the Wanda Sykes Show

My dog is a bloody lesbian. She fears men, yet she craves the attention of women, especially younger women. (effin Cougar!) It's all my fault, though. I should have never let her watch the Wanda Sykes show with me.



That's a horrible picture of Wanda Sykes, and the second dog doesn't even match the third dog, but WHATEVER!

That's it, folks. This is one of those weeks. The key to writing is inspiration. Without it, you can't get anywhere. And since inspiration is unlikely to return anytime soon -- what with my life as boring as it is -- I am officially going on a Feel-Good-Friday Writing SPRING BREAK!

Friday, April 2nd, 2010 | Hood Dreamer (Willy Northpole, BoB)

Good Evening, everyone!

This will be a relatively short post (I started writing this Friday afternoon, around 3:30pm). I’ve been extremely busy writing for money, so I haven’t had much time to write for personal pleasure. Truthfully, I’m very behind with several of my bills, not to mention my huge upcoming tax payment. FUDGE…. I need a better-paying job! All is well that ends well, though.

More Self-Righteous Crap

As some of you are aware, I snapped like a twig earlier this week. I sometimes lose my bearings because I tend to hold in all my emotions. When I encounter negativity on the Internet, I try my hardest to ignore it, although I truthfully would love nothing more than to counter the negativity with even more negativity. When someone calls Gabourey Sidibe a ‘fatass,’ for instance, I’m tempted to rebut their comment by saying, “Your Mother is a fatass, bitch!” Why don’t I, then?

Well, I feel like doing that would be wrong. Turning into a foul-mouthed jerk isn’t my idea of spiritual enlightenment. Some would say I’m being fake or a pussy, but I was taught to be polite and patient with others, no matter how much they irritate me. The problem with this methodology, however, is that unexpressed emotions oftentime accumulate into a large ball of anger, hatred and resentment. What typically follows afterward is a passionate rant and rave full of obscenity and ignorance, not to mention spelling & grammar errors galore.

This, unfortunately, is the price WE must pay as good people. The easy and preferred route is to ditch our dignity and class in favor of a system of ‘realness’ whereby we always act and speak based on our primordial instincts. The more proper route, in my opinion, entails learning to keep a firm grip on our emotions, lest we embarrass ourselves or, even worse, hurt someone’s feelings. Nobody deserves to have his or her spirit dampened just because we’re incapable of maintaining our composure. It’s difficult to do, but no one ever said living righteously would be easy.

But realistically, everyone sometimes pops his or her top. All we can do when this happens is ask for forgiveness and hope for the best. Sadly, many people refuse to take responsibility and ask for forgiveness. They instead try to rationalize their iniquitous behavior by making claims like ‘life is unfair,’ by blurting out phrases like ‘get over it,’ or by making pathetic excuses like ‘I just had penile enlargement surgery and my penis hurts.’ But a right is a right and a wrong is a right, and two wrongs never make a right. You can either choose to make the right decision, or you can choose to make the wrong decision. There’s no skirting around the truth.

If you do fuck up, which does occasionally happen, you need to take responsibility for it. If you opt to not take responsibility, then you’re only harming yourself by tarnishing your image, as well as allowing your character to be corrupted. And the more corrupt your character becomes, the harder it becomes for you to recover. Some people have fallen so deep into the ‘abyss of darkness,’ if you will, that they can’t even see the light anymore. Their world is a gloomy bastion marked by malevolent thoughts and cynicism. These people are quite easy to spot, as they always wear a sly smirk underneath eyes beaming with contempt.

Look, it’s okay to make a mistake, but it’s never okay to deny it. Why would you even want to deny it? To deny the truth is to deny yourself, which in turn only prevents you from growing further as a person. Anywho…enough of all this self-righteous mumbo jumbo.

Jamie Oliver’s ‘Food Revolution’

I love this guy and I love what he is doing for America. Mind you, I personally will never give up processed foods. I love processed grilled chicken because when I try to cook chicken myself, it tastes like ass; I love processed cottage cheese because I’m not too keen on milking a cow; and I love processed orange juice because I don’t eat raw fruits, although I love to eat raw vegetables.

But this show isn’t about you or me. It’s about our children. The earlier we educate our children about quality foods, the more likely they will grow up to be smart consumers who eat healthy, and therefore live longer and more fruitful lives. Daps to you Mr. Oliver, even though your slow-paced show ain’t got NOTHING on Chef Gordon Ramsey’s ‘Kitchen Nightmares’! But truthfully, Jamie is 10x more humble and down-to-Earth than Ramsey will ever be. He is in essence everything that Ramsey is not. Ramsey is great for pure entertainment, but Oliver is the one bringing real change to our nation!

Asperger’s Syndrome

CNN had an interesting article about Asperger’s Syndrome earlier today. Here is a comment I submitted to the feed:

Fascinating post and fascinating comments. I have Asperger’s Syndrome and I suppose I do see the world in pictures and ideas, which is why when listening to a rap video chockablock with violence and misogyny, I instead daydream a make-believe world full of peace and prosperity. The beat drives me to tap into my imagination, and oftentimes in a positive way; I don't know why!

Yet I am incapable of accurately expressing my visions via my writing. And even worse, when I read a book, I can barely picture the characters. They typically all look the same, from book to book, because my brain cannot remember minute details, such as what someone is wearing or how their face looks. In fact, the hero always has my beautiful face, while the damsel always has the face of the woman of my dreams.

I hate Tolkien, by the way, because his descriptive writing bores me to death. And what’s worse is that I’m an aspiring writer/novelist, despite the fact that I can’t describe scenery worth a got damn.

Leno and Hypocrisy

Jay Leno, who I am somewhat a fan of, kind of pissed me off this week. First of all, he’s apparently against the full legalization of marijuana, which is quite shocking considering his band-leader is one of the world’s most famous bald pot-smokers. Regardless, what really irks me is that he finds the adulterous behavior of celebrities like Jesse James and Tiger Woods hypocritical.

I couldn’t disagree more. The real hypocrisy, in my opinion, is the public’s reaction. We as a society act as if we are without sin. Seriously, how many of you reading this right now have ever cheated on a spouse or a lover? I’m not going to excuse your behavior, but I’m also not going to chastise you either. It’s none of my business; plus it’s up to you to account for your shady actions. So who the fuck am I or who the fuck are you to judge someone so harshly for a mistake that probably more than 50% of the American public themselves have made? Hell, even I once cheated on a lover. ME. Mwa. (She refused to celebrate our 8th-month anniversary, so I celebrated it with someone else!) If innocent ol’ me is vulnerable to sin, then who isn’t!?

Another issue that’s been bothering me is everyone’s harsh criticism toward Richard Heene. The guy did something inexcusable and is paying the price for it. Other than that, let him be. He’s not a bad father—he loves his children dearly—but he is definitely a fame-obsessed man who could benefit from therapy. I understand his sentiment, though, because fame/fortune is something that I too once craved, even though I know now it’ll probably never happen. When I was younger, though, I was unable to grasp that concept; either I would get rich or die trying. I’ve matured considerably since then and now accept my fate as a common layman. It looks like Richard Heene has reached the point in his life where he must accept the same fate as well. Good luck to you, Sir!


Wife Swap

Wife Swap is a terrific show. It’s kind of like a sociological experiment. What happens when you mix up two totally opposite families? It’s a fascinating process that almost always begins with a tremendous deal of rebelliousness, frustration, and even apathy: “These people are disgusting!” (lol) But over time, the families end up learning so much from one another. That’s what it’s all about, man. One family is overly disciplined, while the other family has absolutely no work ethic. Or one family never smiles, while the other family freely expresses their love for one another. By the end of the show, hopefully both families have found a common medium that benefits the children.

One Million Mentors

First of all, I heard there will be a walk of some sort in Fayetteville next Saturday. Kudos and I wish ya’ll the best of luck! I won’t be attending the walk, as I’ll be passed out drunk, but I do plan to attend the One Million Mentors meeting at:

Hillside High School
Durham, NC 27707
Cost: FREE
Date: April 9, 2010
Time: 7:00pm – 8:30pm

Feel free to check it out, if you would like.

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I hate having nothing funny to say—I get the greatest happiness in life from making other people fall out of their seats in laughter—and I especially hate spouting the same self-righteous rhetoric yet AGAIN, but I’m temporarily out of funny thoughts. Humor doesn’t come to me as quickly as it does to Wanda Sykes or Jay Leno. Plus I don’t have enough free time to sit around and make jokes (facetious sarcasm alert).

I would love to write another comedic column, but I’m unable to come up with a good idea. One thought was to write about eating healthy: “Want to eat healthy? Eat chicken… preferably LIVE CHICKEN!” Meh… I don’t know. We shall see; we shall see!

PS – By the way, I discovered that the Erykah Badu issue isn’t just black and white. During a discussion about her video on the MB show today, I discovered that even some black people find her video offensive and “pretentious.” I disagree with them, but I learned my lesson! Never group people who disagree with you into a stereotype. That’s just plain dumb!

PS #2 – I stopped being a racist ass and finally decided to give ‘My Name is Earl’ a chance, and BY GOLLY, it’s a pretty darn good show, bro-ham! It, however, isn't good enough to EVER replace Seinfeld on TBS. E. V. E. R.!

Friday, February 26th, 2010 | Working Day & Night (MJ)

Good Evening! I could rant and rave about healthcare, racism, and politics, but all week long I’ve been making comments throughout the web on these very issues. Not today! This Friday isn’t just Feel Good Friday to me; it’s HEDONISM FRIDAY – PART 1! I merely jest. To be frank, I’m just not in the mood to think critically. It’s extremely challenging and puts me in a ‘hero complex’ where I go overboard in an attempt to make a meaningful statement and garner worldwide respect. Yes, I’m a megalomaniac with Asperger’s Syndrome and a penchant for cucumber and egg salad. But life is too short and my capability of affecting changes too little for me to care, especially on a Friday!

So today I present my first-ever comedic column, followed by a few usual sub-par sub-columns. Enjoy. And remember, this is my FIRST ONE. They will get better in due time. Also, I was inspired to cover this topic while watching a penis-enlargement commercial on television. It’s a great chance for me to tap all the way into my inner silliness. I hope to produce more comedic, as well as MEANINGFUL, columns in the future. In fact, my next column topic may just be about tea party members! We shall see!

Drumroll please……………



All-Beef Anonymous (AA) – My Struggle with Shrinkage

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must admit the inevitable: his penis is rapidly losing mass. I refer it to as The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp, but most men just call it shrinkage. It’s a part of life that just can’t be avoided—like those pesky Jehovah Witnesseses that refuse to stop ringing the bell, even when the lights are off, the blinds are closed, and you’re carefully positioned behind the couch, with your right hand gripped tightly over your dog’s salivating mouth, and your left hand gripped tightly over your wife’s throbbing… well, never mind.

Shrinkage usually strikes somewhere between the age of 25 and 55, but the Guinness Book of World Records speaks of a young Chinese boy whose wang (no pun intended) finished developing when he turned 13, only to immediately begin shrinking afterwards, causing it to cave in upon itself by the time he hit 18. After having failed miserably with women, he turned gay and now lives his life as a pre-op transsexual named Shiho Tai Kin Wong Hol.

Even Abraham Lincoln succumbed to shrinkage. In 1861, the year in which he took office, Lincoln’s johnson began to shrink, prompting him to compensate by purchasing his notorious, super-sized tall-hat, in the hope that it would fool interested women. It worked up until his first presidential consummation, at which point, according to long-deceased White House eyewitness Mr. Henry Todd, “The mistress bolted out his room, wildly flailing her arms and yelling about a massive conspiracy regarding the President’s tiny presidential ‘member.’” He assumed she was speaking about the midget in Lincoln’s room—he apparently had a secret fetish for having sex in front of a midget—but historians are 99.9% certain she was referring to Lincoln’s baby penis.

Sadly, Ladies and Gentleman, I myself have now come face to face with shrinkage. Despite all my attempts to prevent this calamity from occurring—penis pumps; hangin from a pullup bar with my penis; and even tying my penis to a doorknob and having my Mom slam the door shut—my penis continues to shrink. It started out at 6”, standing tall and erect like a soldier in salute. But now it droops at 4-1/2” like an old man with a cane, peeking out its helmet at the world shrinking around it, even though it itself is the only one shrinking.

What am I to do? What are we as non-black men with medium-sized shrinking penises to do? The answer is simple: penile enlargement surgery. Yes, gentlemen, we must wipe the fear off our brows, step up to the plate, lay our pee-pees on it, and let the surgeon drill, pry, cook, marinate, batter, spatter, lift, and inseminate them back to life. Only he—female surgeons specialize in circumcision surgery (no surprise there!)—has the power to turn our tiny pricks into long and sturdy rods that would make even Buffy the Body’s brother Puffy the Penis proud! It won’t be easy. In fact, it will likely be more painful than letting a morbidly obese woman ride us, but at least it’ll be better than being ridiculed at the locker room or, even worse, being forced to lick our wives’ unkempt, hairy crotches. “In my wife’s jungle, her mighty jungle, a cockroach lays an egg tonightttttt.”

However, how can we possibly afford such surgery, especially during such tumultuous times? After much thought, I have devised a plan guaranteed to work: we will each host a local circus freak show dedicated to our dwarfish stumps. I mean really, who wouldn’t pay to see such a bizarre deformity. It would be a fun and perhaps even educational experience that a whole family could participate in. Imagine little Tiger Woods Jr. asking Tiger, “Why won’t it grow, Daddy? WHY!?” *wipes a tear from eyes* Plus putting on a show would not only provide us with enough money for the surgery, it’d also allow us to stuff our pants in the meantime.

There you have it, fellas. Our dignity has been reduced to the size of our thumbnail peters, our draws are lined with hard-earned booty—I don’t mean our tight asses—and we have no other reason to live other than to confuse little children who only want to know why. It’s time now to rush to the Doctor’s office and make an appointment. Are you ready? I SURE AM! See ya’ll at the Tally Wacker Packer Institute! Be sure to tell Dr. Eugune Nuts that I said hi!

— Hope you enjoyed the last five minutes of total mediocrity! —

US-Mexico Border Fence

Some people have suggested that we build a fence across the US-Mexico border in order to prevent illegal aliens from streaming into our country. Is this really such a good idea? It would be an extremely expensive project. Just think about it. If it were to work, the fence would have to cover the ENTIRE border. If even just a millimeter were left uncovered, they WOULD find a way in. These illegals are a lot more cunning than we realize!

Not only that, but the fence would have to be at least 20m deep. Otherwise, they would just dig underneath it and pop out the other side like a groundhog. And it would have to be at least 20m high. Else they’ll just jump it.

I can just see it now: Ladies and Gentlemen, here comes Jose with his pole tightly gripped in-between his tiny brown fingers! Will he make it? Uh oh… here comes the jump! And OH MY GOD, he did it! Jose has pole-vaulted his way to freedom! I tell you guys, that has got to be the best pole vault jump by an illegal immigrant since Palestinian M'Balz Es-Hari [SNL] jumped the Israeli Security Fence in Jerusalem back in early 2010.

Busing Policy

This is a tough issue. On one hand, why should my kids (I don't actually have kids) have to bus to another school when there's already a school right down the road from us!? On the other hand, I'd quite prefer that my little Ghandi and my little Kasturba interact with more kids than just Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy. Here’s my solution: instead of bussing children from upper socioeconomic backgrounds (USB) out of their neighborhoods—which apparently harbor higher-quality schools with better teachers—how about we bus the children from lower socioeconomic backgrounds (LSB) to the USB schools? This way the USB parents can still send their kids to school down the street, but the LSB children are granted an opportunity at better-quality education. Of course, then we have crowded USB schools, and unused LSB schools. But hey, what do I know!?

LEGALIZE MARIJUANA

Do you have any idea what I go through to get hold of some of that good wacky tobacky? I dream of the day I can purchase a box of pre-rolled joints or blunts from the gas station. I’m so tired of purchasing weed off the streets. The quality isn’t always the best; there’s a chance it might be laced with another drug; and it’s hard as hell to find a reliable connect that can procure that sticky icky in a moment’s notice. LEGALIZE IT ALREADY! By the way, if Cali legalizes weed in November, I’m moving to LA! Here I come, Hollywood!

Gay Prom

People commenting on the ‘gay prom’ situation are comparing gay love to necrophilia and bestiality. Whether or not being gay is a choice is irrelevant. The bottom line is that two gay people who have sex mutually agree to their crotch-to-crotch (scissor) or winky-to-booty (anal) love. Necrophilia isn't the same because a dead body cannot consent; neither can a dog. Believe me when I say a dog's "arf arf arf (tail wag, tail wag, tail wag) is not akin to a fricken, "Yes!"

Identity Crisis

Sighs. Some men think they are women, some women think they are men, and now my dog thinks she’s a fricken cow. Even after eating a big ol’ bowl of Beneful, she MUST have her grass.



Anyway. Thanks for tuning in. I haven’t yet confirmed a topic for my next column, but I may try writing a satirical letter from a Tea Party member’s perspective. I don’t know yet, though!

The type of racism that I can't stand...

Protesters hurl slurs and spit at Democrats

This is the type of racism that irritates the bloody hell out of me. It's uncalled for and absolutely appalling. I hope to God that most Tea Party members have more common sense and decency than this! I disagree with ya'll, but I'd like to at least be able to respect ya'll! The Walmart incident doesn't bother me because it was likely some stupid kid acting like an ass, but this shit... this shit is some real hatred and racism. Spit? 4 real, thoughl? SPIT? Not to mention the N word and the F word. That's beyond redemption to me.

This shit makes me want to act racist my own self, but I'm doing everything in my power to hold back the insanity. The worst thing any of us can do is allow the anger to boil inside us, because it'll only cause a stew of hatred to come pouring out the lid! Take that anger, roll it up like some dough, and then let the dog eat it. We MUST stay civil and on-point if you want to solve our problems!

Let the ignorant play with the fire that is hatred; they'll eventually accidentally burn themselves with their stupidity. Speaking of which, anybody have a match!? I'd like to speed up the process ;-).

Sighs. Such ignorance man. There's nothing in this world quite as ignorant as hatred. Love thy enemies. You may want to smack your enemy upside the head; you may want to stomp the enemy's dog that keeps pooping in your yard; and you may even want to screw the enemy's hot wife. But don't do it because it's not worth it. It takes the better man, in my opinion, to say, "I can't stand your bitch-ass, but damnit... I love you, motherfucker!"

That's real. pEaCe n 1

Friday, February 19th, 2010 | Fragile (Chrisette Michele)

GREAT SONG. The song that's really on my mind is 'Wasted' by Gucci Mane. Sorry, but I like to drink, folks! (finger snap in double H, triple O, quadruple E formation!) -- that's funny to me!

I have a really great Dave-Barry-esque column about penis enlargement surgery ready for publication, but I'd rather wait one more week before I post it. This will allow me to edit, wait a few days, edit again, and repeat. The worst thing you can ever do is rush the writing process, because it'll only result in sloppy workmanship. Quality writing takes a lot of time. You'd be surprised at how many new ideas suddenly pop into my head after I've had enough time to digest everything. In the meantime, here are a few quick and to-the-point, albeit a tad sub-par, sub-columns to keep you entertained. Enjoy and have a GREAT WEEKEND!

The Walmart Incident

I don’t care either way. I’m not angry enough to bemoan over all the ‘ignorant crackers’, nor am I irritated enough to grumble about all the ‘whiny black people’. I just don’t care because it’s irrelevant to me. I tell you, though, if ever while I’m at Walmart someone yells, "All autistic retards, leave the store now," through the PA system, umma get to SLICING and DICING! In the words of Charlie Murphy, "They would have a gunfight after that; somebody had to go!" There's just some shit I won't tolerate. As for everything else, I could careless.

Male Dog vs. Female Dog

In another month or two, the dog I’m currently caring for will be leaving for good. She has to return to her family and move on with her life. In the meantime, I’m contemplating whether to adopt a male or female dog. I’ve heard that male dogs are far friendlier, but the problem is that they have a penis. I don’t mind doggy vagina because unless I make a concerted effort to look for it, I’m not going to see it. However, it’s quite difficult to ignore a pair of balls and a penis hanging off a male dog’s butt. I mean, what if I’m petting him and he becomes so excited that he accidentally ejaculates all over me? I’ll be covered dog semen and, even worse, I won’t even be able to charge him for the service provided. On the other hand, I won’t have to deal with constant attitude of a female dog. It’s a tough decision, folks!



(She's eating dog penis.... sick bitch! I know that's really culturally insensitive, but after spending an hour looking for a funny picture, that's all I could come up with!)

Bisexuals

You can’t have both the cocky rooster and the hairy cat! Choose your meat of preference, damnit! Speaking of which, I’m getting sick and tired of Stewie Griffin switching sides. One week he’s a gay man into men, the next week he’s a straight man into women, and this week he’s a transvestite into little girls. Come on, MAN! Make up your mind!

Typecast by Name

I’m irritated. Today I received an invitation from Time Warner Cable to sign up for a bunch of Hindi channels at a discount rate. What in the bloody hell is this all about? Could it perhaps be because of my NAME? So if my name was Darnell, would they offer me a discount on BET, BET Gospel, BET Hip-Hop, and BETJ? Or if my name was Billy Bob, would they offer me a discount on Comedy Central, CNN, and ESPN (I honestly can’t think of any stereotypically white channels, so I’m pulling these out my ass)? I find it offensive that Time Warner Cable automatically presumed just because I have an Indian name, I would want to watch a bunch of Indian movies! That's just RUDE and INAPPROPRIATE!

PS (Mentoring) - I've decided to wait until Michael Baisden comes to town. I'm going to attend his One Million Mentors event and sign up for REAL MENTORING. After searching endlessly for legitimate adult-to-youth e-mentoring services, I've given up. They are all professional-to-professional e-mentoring services, which is not the type of mentoring that I'm interested in providing.

PS #2 - I realize this blog is really stupid, which is why I'm not even sure if I'm willing to publish it on my official blog. I would have just kept my mouth shut, but I'm a cyber attention whore (sue me), so I can't help it! Anyway. I hope to return next week with an OFFICIAL BLOG, courtesy of the brilliant Dave Barry. For right now, I'm given up on trying to be like Roland Martin because I lack the education and intelligence to compete with that level of brilliance! There is a slight chance I may enroll in UNC's Journalism program -- the option is very much available, but I don't know if it's wise, especially considering my extreme social inaptitude (can an unsocial ass excel in a world based on networking!?) -- , but until then, I'm pursuing the route of comedic writing, which is something that I know I could excel at, although it does nothing at all to help the world. But fuck it... it's not like I'm Jesus. I may be as thin and sexy as him, but ultimately... I'm not him! And despite my many extremely gay jokes tonight, NO, I am not gay, either!