I have a really great Dave-Barry-esque column about penis enlargement surgery ready for publication, but I'd rather wait one more week before I post it. This will allow me to edit, wait a few days, edit again, and repeat. The worst thing you can ever do is rush the writing process, because it'll only result in sloppy workmanship. Quality writing takes a lot of time. You'd be surprised at how many new ideas suddenly pop into my head after I've had enough time to digest everything. In the meantime, here are a few quick and to-the-point, albeit a tad sub-par, sub-columns to keep you entertained. Enjoy and have a GREAT WEEKEND!
The Walmart Incident
I don’t care either way. I’m not angry enough to bemoan over all the ‘ignorant crackers’, nor am I irritated enough to grumble about all the ‘whiny black people’. I just don’t care because it’s irrelevant to me. I tell you, though, if ever while I’m at Walmart someone yells, "All autistic retards, leave the store now," through the PA system, umma get to SLICING and DICING! In the words of Charlie Murphy, "They would have a gunfight after that; somebody had to go!" There's just some shit I won't tolerate. As for everything else, I could careless.
Male Dog vs. Female Dog
In another month or two, the dog I’m currently caring for will be leaving for good. She has to return to her family and move on with her life. In the meantime, I’m contemplating whether to adopt a male or female dog. I’ve heard that male dogs are far friendlier, but the problem is that they have a penis. I don’t mind doggy vagina because unless I make a concerted effort to look for it, I’m not going to see it. However, it’s quite difficult to ignore a pair of balls and a penis hanging off a male dog’s butt. I mean, what if I’m petting him and he becomes so excited that he accidentally ejaculates all over me? I’ll be covered dog semen and, even worse, I won’t even be able to charge him for the service provided. On the other hand, I won’t have to deal with constant attitude of a female dog. It’s a tough decision, folks!
(She's eating dog penis.... sick bitch! I know that's really culturally insensitive, but after spending an hour looking for a funny picture, that's all I could come up with!)
Bisexuals
You can’t have both the cocky rooster and the hairy cat! Choose your meat of preference, damnit! Speaking of which, I’m getting sick and tired of Stewie Griffin switching sides. One week he’s a gay man into men, the next week he’s a straight man into women, and this week he’s a transvestite into little girls. Come on, MAN! Make up your mind!
Typecast by Name
I’m irritated. Today I received an invitation from Time Warner Cable to sign up for a bunch of Hindi channels at a discount rate. What in the bloody hell is this all about? Could it perhaps be because of my NAME? So if my name was Darnell, would they offer me a discount on BET, BET Gospel, BET Hip-Hop, and BETJ? Or if my name was Billy Bob, would they offer me a discount on Comedy Central, CNN, and ESPN (I honestly can’t think of any stereotypically white channels, so I’m pulling these out my ass)? I find it offensive that Time Warner Cable automatically presumed just because I have an Indian name, I would want to watch a bunch of Indian movies! That's just RUDE and INAPPROPRIATE!
PS (Mentoring) - I've decided to wait until Michael Baisden comes to town. I'm going to attend his One Million Mentors event and sign up for REAL MENTORING. After searching endlessly for legitimate adult-to-youth e-mentoring services, I've given up. They are all professional-to-professional e-mentoring services, which is not the type of mentoring that I'm interested in providing.
PS #2 - I realize this blog is really stupid, which is why I'm not even sure if I'm willing to publish it on my official blog. I would have just kept my mouth shut, but I'm a cyber attention whore (sue me), so I can't help it! Anyway. I hope to return next week with an OFFICIAL BLOG, courtesy of the brilliant Dave Barry. For right now, I'm given up on trying to be like Roland Martin because I lack the education and intelligence to compete with that level of brilliance! There is a slight chance I may enroll in UNC's Journalism program -- the option is very much available, but I don't know if it's wise, especially considering my extreme social inaptitude (can an unsocial ass excel in a world based on networking!?) -- , but until then, I'm pursuing the route of comedic writing, which is something that I know I could excel at, although it does nothing at all to help the world. But fuck it... it's not like I'm Jesus. I may be as thin and sexy as him, but ultimately... I'm not him! And despite my many extremely gay jokes tonight, NO, I am not gay, either!
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