It’s the End of the World!
When I found out that the democrats had lost the House, my heart literally dropped from my chest down to my ankles. For a moment I felt truly defeated. The rest of that night I stumbled about with a humongous frown. You should have seen it. I looked like a child who didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas. But then another day arrived, and the sun began to rise around me. And after much introspection and deep thinking, I finally felt refreshed and alive once again.
Believe it or not fellow libtardians (and I don’t mean libertarians), but the world hasn't ended! Though America made a decision with which we disagree, they didn’t necessarily make a bad one. Many people are frustrated with both the democrats and republicans. So instead of allowing a majority to rule—as has been the case for the last four years—Americans opted to put republicans in the House to decide short-term issues, and democrats in the Senate to work out long-term issues.
It’s certainly not what I wanted, but I can live with it. The only thing that still stings is the loss of Nancy Pelosi. I realize many people despise her, but I truly love this woman. She speaks directly to me because she supports the same things I do—focusing on energy conservation and renewable energy research, increasing education spending, providing universal healthcare, ensuring civil rights for gays and other abused minorities, reforming marijuana laws, improving the minimum wage, and much much more.
Regardless, this country will continue to move along, though likely at a much slower pace. Giving control of the House to the republicans and leaving the democrats in control of the Senate means that bipartisanship must be pursued. Otherwise absolutely nothing will be achieved. The question remains: Do our politicians have it in them to play nice with one another?
I seriously doubt it, which is why I want to commemorate this occasion with my favorite brand of wine.
Cheers! And good luck at getting absolutely nothing resolved these next two years ;-).
Meet My Evil Twin
I have developed an evil twin. Whereas my craigslist persona believes in being politically correct, maintaining sanity, and fostering diplomacy—save for my late-night, inebriated rants about Slumdog Millionaire—my CNN self tends to be a rather irrational and foul-mouthed, Grade-A shit-talker. I still cannot believe how many rude remarks I made this week about John Boehner, Christine O’Donnell, and all conservatives.
The irony is that I’m completely anonymous on craigslist, whereas I’m identifiable by my actual name on CNN. Yet I feel completely at ease acting like a jackass on an international news site. Part of it is because one tiny comment on such a huge site is likely to get a lot less attention than one humongous ‘rant’ on a local community website.
Do I feel bad about what I’m doing? I do, yet I don’t. It’s not correct to act disrespectful and make jokes at other peoples’ expense. But I need an outlet—a way to relieve my temporary moments of irrationality, anger, and frustration. And since everyone else on CNN is full of sarcasm and disdain, I figured why not join in on the fun. “Fuck me? Naw… FUCK YOU, bitch!”
I do want to apologize though for referring to John Boehner as the ‘scum of America.’ That was just wrong. Mind you I don’t appreciate people referring to Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of Oz, LOL. Politics… gotta love it!
Conservatives versus Liberals
Will conservatives and liberals ever be able to reach a unanimous decision on how to govern this nation? I honestly don’t think it’s possible. We’re too different. It seems like conservatives are more concerned with achieving and maintaining total autonomy, carefully budgeting every dollar, and doing everything in their power to maintain tradition. Liberals on the other hand seem more focused on fostering and upholding all civil liberties, ensuring every man is afforded an equal opportunity to succeed, and reaching a hand out to those in misfortune. Mind you these are merely my perceptions, but let me give you an example.
A lady on CNN expressed her concern over the likelihood that Boehner might repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. She said that her “brother was diagnosed with cancer at 24,” and that he’s only able to receive treatment because he’s on their parent’s plan.
A staunch conservative immediately replied, asking, “I'm happy for your brother and all that, but why should I have to pay for him having cancer?”
Examples like this (and there are many more I could choose from) lead me to believe that conservatives only care about money. It’s like they’d rather stash away every dollar, rather than use it to fund infrastructure, education, healthcare, and whatnot. But at the same time, the way our society functions demands that we be frugal with our money—which is why I believe both conservative and liberal ideologies are necessary to keep America on the right track. Conservatives are skilled at managing money and waging war, whereas liberals do well at standing up for the underdogs and nurturing positive international and domestic relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I’d love it if America one day becomes an all-liberal nation full of happy hippies and hip-hoppers hopscotching through the Garden of Weeden. But without conservatives around to control spending, we’d quickly go broke, get invaded by China, and be ordered to receive plastic surgery so our eyes could match theirs. Mind you if the Republicans were to completely take over, the Lorax would be assassinated, all immigrants would be kicked out, and there’d be no more Taco Bell. No más chalupas? AY YI YI!
The truth is that America is a big unhappy, dysfunctional family with metaphorical liberal women and metaphorical conservative men. And though I support gay marriage, a nation cannot function with just metaphorical testicles and a dick, or metaphorical boobs and a vagina. It needs the whole package—a metaphorical dick, fallopian tube, ovary, testicles, nipples, anal hair, vagina, and perhaps even a metaphorical happy trail.
Speaking of unhappy matrimonies, I’d like to present the first-ever, official conservative/liberal yin yang diagram.
It’d be a lot funnier if it was an elephant flicking off a donkey, and vice versa!
Stop Axing Everything
NBC is starting to really piss me off. First they screwed over Conan O’Brien, then they cancelled my favorite TV shows, ‘Outlaw’ and ‘Undercovers,’ and now they’ve suspended Keith Olbermann for making a private, personal donation to a political campaign. Their motto must stand for ‘Never Be Cool’ because these jackasses certainly know how to be uber-lame.
The problem with networks like NBC is that they refuse to give TV shows a chance. Just because ‘Outlaw’ and ‘The Whole Truth’ (ABC) are performing under-pair at the moment doesn’t mean they aren’t quality shows with the potential to do better. Plus a few million viewers are better than no viewers at all. If these jackass networks keep canceling shows, they’re going to start losing a whole lot of dedicated fans. I myself am quite close to officially blocking NBC at my home!
ABC… you’re on thin ice too!
Past and Present
So this week on Coast to Coast AM Radio they had a few technology experts speak about upcoming gadgets, such as one that’ll automate driving and parking. One frustrated elderly man called in to complain. He felt that such technology would take away from the experience of steering an automobile. I understand where he’s coming from, but he’s missing the point.
Look at this way. What about the experience of riding a horse or pulling a cart with your own body? Though they still exist in some form or another—whether for pleasure or, in the case of a third-world country, survival—they’re on the road to becoming obsolete. Why? To make life easier! To me it’s all about self-actualization. These improvements in technology are making it easier for those who’ve conquered the first three layers of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to climb up the remaining two.
I understand that it’s nice to know how to make a meal without electricity, sleep under the stars, or gallop on an imaginary horse while porters banging coconut shells together follow behind. But these aren’t necessary skills that everyone must know. It’s perfectly fine for people to do it on their own time, but I don’t want society’s overall progress being impeded just because someone stuck in the past is unable to come to terms with the present.
I like microwaves, automobiles, and dishwashers because they save me time—therefore letting me focus on more important stuff like reading, writing, social networking, and walking the pooch. By the way, ALWAYS soak your dishes for a while before you put them in the dishwasher! In fact, I go so far as to even scrub them down! My hand-washing clears the crumbs, while the dishwasher cleans and sanitizes them.
Fostering Bipartisanship
So what can we do to foster genuine bipartisanship, assuming it’s even possible?
Well, here’s a brief list of the top 5 ways to get ir’ done!
#1. BE TRANSPARENT.
I’m greatly disturbed by the fact that John Boehner distributed tobacco company checks on the House floor just before a vote on tobacco subsidies; but at least he did it in front of everyone.
#2. LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER.
Don’t scream obscenities and insults like “YOU LIE!” while another politician is speaking. If you believe someone is lying, wait until it’s your turn to talk about it.
#3. BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE.
If you’re not willing to compromise, then you might as well go home and take a nap. In regard to healthcare, for instance, how about keeping insurance OPTIONAL, but also setting up an OPTIONAL universal healthcare program for those who can’t afford private insurance?
#4. DON’T TRY TO BE SLICK.
Don’t try to be slick by inserting a non-related clause into a bill or act. Nobody likes super-small warning labels, not to mention pieces of completely unrelated legislation.
#5. DON’T BE NEGATIVE.
I hate negative campaign ads. Real men and women don’t need to dispatch their opponents to win. If you are passionate, sane, and have good ideas, then let them be your ticket to victory. When you start lying and saying negative things about your opponents, you start to lose credibility and respect.
And in case these tips don’t work, follow by example!
Now that’s what I call working together to resolve a dispute!
The Royal Ass
I love dogs, but they’re so annoying. Truthfully, I’m better built for a cat. It’ll stroll into its litter box, find a clean spot, and handle its business. Then at the end of the week, or earlier if necessary, you merely switch out the litter. An uppity dog, on the other hand, will sniff 20,000 perfectly clean spots until she finds one deserving of her Royal Ass. Unfortunately I’m allergic to dogs, so I don’t have a choice.
It’s very frustrating. Two weeks ago I was running with my dog. I stopped at least three times to offer her an opportunity to let loose her dog logs; but did she take the opportunity? NOPE! Instead she waited until we were in the middle of a jog to let dribbles of doo-doo drool from her poop chute (she had diarrhea) and onto the sidewalk—a sacred ground used by magnifier-glass-equipped homeless to cook ants and cockroaches for breakfast. HOW RUDE!
Seriously though, I really am not a bad dog owner. I give her plenty of exercise, toys, and food. I just hate cleaning up after her. I guess I’m going to have to just suck it up and handle it, aye? Speaking of which, I want to take a moment to apologize to a neighbor whom I believe is irritated at me because I let dog poop build up in the backyard. Let me explain.
Twice this week a specific neighbor passed by me, and then yelled out something incoherent. The first time we were outside, while the second time I was inside and the neighbor was outside. It’s possible that the neighbor was speaking to someone else both times. But it’s also possible and more likely that the neighbor was trying to tell me something, which is why I spent an entire day trying to solve this mystery.
Was the neighbor:
#1. Mocking me because the democrats lost the House?
#2. Angry at me about something I wrote online? (Assuming the neighbor reads my writing.)
#3. Making fun of me in general? (El Dorko is an easy target.)
It was very frustrating trying to decipher what the neighbor had said. But it finally occurred to me that in both instances, the neighbor had passed through the poop-laden backyard. It then struck me that the neighbor is probably irritated because the neighbor accidentally stepped in one of those piles. Unfortunately I still don’t know for certain, but intuition and deductive reasoning lead me to believe that I’m correct.
So to this neighbor, I want to say I’m very sorry. I will try harder from now on to be more conscientious by cleaning up the poop more often. However, could you do me a favor and be more direct next time? If knocking on my door or tapping me on my shoulder isn’t an option for you, would you kindly consider perhaps taping a note to my door? I’m really good with notes.
Anyway. I hate using such a medium to discuss domestic issues, but I’m very bad at communication, which is why it’s ESSENTIAL that people are direct with me. I won’t be direct with them because I’m a social nitwit—and yes, I’m using that as my excuse! But I’m pretty sure they have the power and capability to be direct with me. And yes, I consider a written note a great way of being direct. In fact, I spent the latter years of HS (after receiving meds and before being expelled) communicating primarily via written notes.
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That’s it for tonight, folks. Thanks for reading and stay blessed! Next up is my usual dose of PS’es or PS(s) or PS’s or however yer supposed to write it!
PS #1 I’m currently in the application process for a really good job at a really successful online company that receives 15 million hits per month. It’s a two-week process during which I have to write 9 high-quality and informative articles that answer certain questions. I’m hoping to get this job, but I’m also scared because the work is a lot harder than what I’ve been doing thus far. This isn’t petty, low-quality writing. These guys have extremely high standards; but they pay really well! I’m talking about $11 to $14 for every 400-word article!!!!
PS #2 Since I’m extremely busy with work, I’ve had less time to think. That’s why this blog kind of sucks, save for the political bits.
PS #3 These people who won an $11-million lottery donated all their winnings to charity. HOW FRIGGEN SELFISH! Do you realize how much they could have done with that money? They could have bought 814 thousand cases of beer and donated it to colleges all across the country! It truly disgusts me how inconsiderate some people can be!
PS #4 Some conservative on the Daily Show Facebook page called all liberals pricks. Excuse me for being rude, but I think conservatives can be pricks too. They engage in group orgies (Limbaugh!), drink like crazy (even more than me!), and watch as their pet dogs fuck other dogs (at least look away!). But God Forbid gays have gay orgies, stoners smoke weed, and straight people watch gay porn (it's quite unusual, but curiosity killed the cat, not the bi-curious 'straight' guy).
PS #5 LOL @ Primetime showing a news clip about Rick Sanchez while discussing anti-Semitism. And I really appreciate them taking the opposite look at Muslims. They’ve done stories on Muslims being accosted by racists, but this time they did one about a young daughter being accosted by her overbearing, fanatical, and control-freak Muslim father. Kudos to them for staying objective and being willing to look at ALL the situations. And oh, LOL @ the fake beggar in a wheelchair.
AWWWW LAWD! I’M BLIND, I AIN’T GOT NO LEGS, AND MY WIFE CUT OFF MY DICK CUZ SHE THOUGHT I WAS SLEEPING WITH MY AMPUTEE THERAPIST!
Can you pleeeeeeeez spare some change!?
Have a nice night, ya’ll!
pEaCe
And oh… my current favorite hiphop songs include ‘Black and Yellow’ by Pittsburgh-native Wiz Khalifa, ‘Start It Up’ by Lloyd Banks (VROOM VROOM), and 'Yeah Boy' by Yung Joc.
And oh… my current favorite hiphop songs include ‘Black and Yellow’ by Philadelphia-native Wiz Khalifa, ‘Start It Up’ by Lloyd Banks (VROOM VROOM), and 'Yeah Boy' by Yung Joc.
Pictures taken from I-Am-Bored, Yours Truly, PassiveAggressiveNotes, and Google Search.
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