Friday, December 10 | The Show Goes On (Lupe Fiasco)

Good evening, Raleigh. This has been a very trying week for me. I went in for surgery Wednesday, after which everyone told me to just sit back and do nothing. The problem is that a man isn’t built to vegetate. I have temporarily stopped working, but I can’t just hit a button and make life stop. I still have to cook, clean, open cans of vegetables using my teeth to clamp down on the can opener, take care of the dog, and express myself. I even tried taking the dog out for a bike ride the day after surgery, but steering the bike proved to be too difficult.

I’m going to go ahead and drop a blog tonight because the show must go on! After tonight and perhaps a movie review tomorrow, I’m going to sit back and let my hand heal as I snack on hydrocodone pills. I literally have enough to open up my own crackhouse! Keep in mind that this blog isn’t going to be all that great. I’m quite loopy from all this hydrocodone, and I’m not all that inspired. Plus typing is a real bitch right now.

Anyway. ON WITH THE SHOW!

Oh, My President...

I’m very disappointed with President Obama. I don’t mind him compromising with the republicans, but I do mind him making an unfair concession. Why is it that the rich are being afforded two additional years of tax cuts, while the unemployed must do with only 13 months of benefits? Perhaps it’s been too long since I’ve done basic arithmetic, but these numbers don’t seem to even out.

At this point, I’d rather that Obama let both the Bush-era tax cuts and unemployment benefits expire, than give in to the republicans. It would reduce the deficit and show the republicans that they can’t bully him into making unfair deals. I realize that it would put an incredible deal of pressure on the unemployed, but I’m sick and tired of the GOP and their tired "trickle-down economics" theory. It’s pure bullshit.

I realize having a full-time job with benefits and vacation is the ideal scenario for most struggling Americans. However, the current condition of our economy demands that the unemployed find new means to earn money and build wealth. Excuse me if this sounds ‘ghetto,’ but people need to learn how to hustle, or make money by any legal means necessary.

Hand out flyers offering to shovel snow or perform yard work; search online for contract positions as a freelance writer, telemarketer, or data entry specialist; or even join a multi-level marketing (MLM) group, if necessary. It’s a difficult lifestyle with no real security, but it’s our only option. Maybe I’m a bit confused right now by all this hydrocodone, but at the moment it seems like the only way we can save the economy is by learning to fend for ourselves, instead of relying on big corporations.

I truly don’t mind corporations in that I have no qualms about shopping at Walmart, eating at McDonalds, or watching and listening to corporate-sponsored entertainment (more on this later). However, until corporations and their many lobbyists decide to play fair, what choice do we as ordinary Americans have?

You don’t want to end up like this guy, do you?



That’s a shame.

Don’t Be a Jackass

This week the Daily Show had a great sketch about not being a jackass. It featured two genuinely bipartisan candidates who refused to run negative ads about each other. It was a really inspirational bit that served as a great reminder to me. I despise the whole GOP movement, but I try to make it a mission to never hate individual republicans. However, lately I’ve been failing at this.

The other day I grew so upset from reading the news, as well as all the associated comments from conservatives, that I jokingly wrote on Bill Maher's Facebook page that we should start a republican genocide. Though I ended the comment with an LOL, there was in fact no LOL in my heart at the time. (j/k....... or am I?)

It's just really hard to maintain my cool sometimes, man. It's like living in a frat house with a bunch of guys who believe in walking around naked. Wouldn't the constant sight and smell of dicks and assholes make you want to act like a jackass? Regardless, it’s my duty as a sane and rational American to control my bad tendencies, which is why I want to apologize to any and all republicans for anything overtly offensive that I may have recently written.

I Blame the Knuckleheads

I’m frustrated with Obama, but I still support him, and I still intend to vote for him in 2012. The people I blame the most for this whole tax fiasco are all the young and indifferent knuckleheads who didn’t vote in November. I especially can’t stand those who didn’t vote because “it’d be like voting for the lesser evil.”

Let’s suppose you had to choose between getting a prostate exam from either a 30-year-old married man, or a 65-year-old grandfather who everyone suspects is gay. Both choices suck, but wouldn’t it be wiser to opt for the 30-year-old, rather than risk getting violated by Grandpa StubbyFingers?

By the same token, how can someone possibly rationalize not voting? It’s because of these idiots, most of whom according to the Pew Research Center are liberal, that Obama is in this bind to begin with. The sad thing is that many Obama supporters are turning against him because of his decision to concede. I just hope this doesn’t cause the democrats to lose the 2012 elections!

Lizard Lick Towing & Southern Craziness

This week reruns of ‘Southern Fried Stings’ were replaced by a show called ‘All Worked Up.’ Featured on this show are the hardworking folks at Wake County’s own Lizard Lick Towing and Recovery, LLC. I was shocked to discover that this show features Raleigh natives. Even more surprising is that these folks are about to get their own TV show on truTV. Congratulations, folks, and thank you for making Raleigh proud!

Lizard Lick Towing is operated by Ron, a gargantuan man with arms, legs, and a gut like a panda bear. Second in command is his beautiful wife, Amy. That such a big and burly man was able to win the heart of such a gorgeous woman is shocking, but in a good way. It makes me wonder, though, whether I have this whole health thing backwards. Instead of trying to lose weight, perhaps I need to put on 100 or so pounds to snag me a beautiful Southern wifey. Mind you, as much as I find Southern women extremely attractive, my northern ass couldn’t handle one. She’d have me cooking dinner and serving her beer as she watched football!

Overall, I really enjoyed the show. It has had a bit of a negative side effect, though. After watching this show, I’m scared to death of southerners! Ya’ll are big, angry, and scary as all hell! I’ve never in my life seen such craziness. A 300-pound man stomping on cars, an angry grandmother chasing after people with brooms, and a skinny ass shit-talker walking around in short-shorts. He was like a real-life version of Lt. Jim Dangle!

The south is a very scary place, man. What I love about the south, though, is the down-to-Earth attitude, as well as the abundance of creative sayings like, “Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.” Right on!

The Power of Positive Encouragement

This week, a former Facebook friend of mine really hurt my feelings and offended me by insulting my blogs and my attempts at satire. I don’t mind that some people dislike my sense of humor, because comedy is a very subjective artform. Nor am I offended when someone with experience in professional writing or satire offers me some constructive criticism. However, this woman, who for the record has no experience whatsoever in either writing or comedy, went too far when she said that my writing sucks, and that I need to get a real job.

Thankfully, dozens of my real ‘Facebook friends’ popped up out of the woodwork to shower me with positive encouragement. They know that I’m just a struggling amateur with a dream. Plus they realize that the only way to achieve success is to keep trying and practicing. Failures are inevitable, but so is success, so long as you never give up.

I just want to take this moment to thank all of them for their kind words of support and encouragement. I really believe that if we as a people spent more time bringing each other up, instead of pushing each other down, this would be a much better world to live in!

Speaking of subjectivity, Stephen Colbert would say this is art.



But Steve Martin? Not so much…

Ted Turner

The other morning while patiently waiting to undergo surgery at 8:45 in the morning, I had my first-ever encounter with Mr. Ted Turner. He was at the time speaking on MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ news show. I found him to be quite intriguing, so I later decided to perform some research on him when I got home. And to be quite honest, I really liked what I discovered!

This guy is absolutely amazing. I love his liberal philosophy, I love his philanthropic nature, and I love his 70s porn-star look. The guy is absolutely amazing. Now this is a ‘billionaire’ I can respect!

I’m a Toys-R-Us Kid 4 Life

It seems like it’s impossible to brush off the stigma of being a kid. When I was in 7th grade, the HS kids looked at me as a kid. When I was in HS, the college kids looked at me as a kid. When I was in undergraduate school, the graduate students looked at me as a kid. When I was in my mid-20s, the early 30-year-olds looked at me as a kid. And now that I’m in my late 20s, the upper-30s+ crowd looks at me as a kid. Does it ever end?

I can just imagine one day, as a 70-year-old, signing up at a nursery home. “Look at that punk kid,” says the 100-year-old senior.

I guess I’m just meant to be a Toys-R-Us kid for life!

Mr. Mainstream

I’m a very mainstream person, in that I love mainstream television, mainstream music, and mainstream culture. Though I’m a bit offbeat in certain ways, I tend to for the most part stick with the mainstream.

One of my favorite music artists currently on the radio, for instance, is Drake. I admire him so much that I secretly refer to him as ‘Drake the God.’ When I look at him, I see a young, light-skinned brother like me. And when he sings about that “Slumdog Millionaire Bollywood flow,” it resonates very deeply with me.

Many people dislike Drake, Lil Wayne, Justin Bieber, Willow Smith, and other mainstream artists, however, because they’ve been commercialized. Drake didn’t just pop up out of nowhere. A record producer discovered him, and then packaged him into a ‘product’ that Americans would eat up like cake. And guess what… the strategy worked.

I realize, though, that many people despise this system of commercialization. However, they have the right to listen to something else. I say that if you don’t care for mainstream music, then you should just stick to underground music. I personally can’t stand underground music, so I stick chiefly with mainstream music.

To me, underground music lacks quality. The process of transforming from a nobody to a superstar means going through multiple levels of ‘quality assurance.’ This prevents any one of the tens of thousands of wannabe musicians from having their music invade the airways. It’s an unfair system, in some regards, but it’s designed like this to appeal to the masses.

Justin Bieber and Drake may not be the most talented singers in America, but the ‘Justin Bieber’ and ‘Drake’ packages work. Everyone is entitled to like or dislike whatever he or she wants. My point is simply that though many people whine and complain about mainstream music, it’s their fault and only theirs for wasting their time on something that’s not even relevant to them. If you’re not into mainstream culture, just shut up and look elsewhere!

That’s all I’m saying……..

At the end of the day, it’s all about different strokes for different folks!

President Obama Hosts Bipartisan Orgy at “White House of Love”

In celebration of his decision to extend the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and screw over middle America, President Barack Obama organized a bipartisan orgy that was held at the ‘White House of Love’ on Friday, December 11. Guests included the president, every republican politician in America, former president Bill Clinton, radio host Rush Limbaugh, conservative commentators Anne Coulter and Michelle Malkin, New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, and, of course, Professor Stephen Hawking.



According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, the bipartisan bash was designed to give everyone who helped bring tax cuts for the rich to fruition a chance to soak his or her royal oats. It comes just nine months after the first bipartisan orgy, which occurred right after the healthcare bill was passed.

“I wasn’t too happy about this one,” said Gibbs. “The first orgy featured beautiful ladies like Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi.”

“This time we were stuck with Anne Coulter and Michelle Malkin. Being with Coulter felt like making love to a mop, while getting head from Malkin made me reminisce about this one time several years ago when I was visiting Mumbai, and I stuck my dick through a rusty, pee-stained glory hole. It was unpleasant back then, and it was even more unpleasant this time around.”

However, not everyone had a lousy time. The White House maids reported seeing former president Bill Clinton take a body shot off Michelle Malkin’s stomach. He was later seen outside, telling reporters, “I did not have a body shot with that yellow woman!”

Also in attendance was New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, who, when questioned about his recent Congressional censure, replied, “I know in my heart I am not going to be judged by this Congress. I’ll be judged by the size of my black penis.”

One of the most signature guests at the bipartisan orgy was professor Stephen Hawking. We found him slumped in his wheelchair, watching the festivities with gloomy eyes. When we questioned him, he expressed his frustration with the lack of females at the gala.

“I’m retarded, not gay,” he said. “The entire White House is full of republican men right now. It’s like a bunch of dicks and assholes walking around showing off their dicks and assholes.”

We managed to finally cheer him up by paying one of the maids to play with his joystick… and I don’t mean the one he uses to maneuver his wheelchair.

Surprisingly, the least happy guest at the affair was none other than Rush Limbaugh. Throughout the entire event, he kept complaining about the abundance of American Indian maids.

“They keep demanding reparations after having taught our children to smoke tobacco,” said Limbaugh, “and now they keep asking me to leave them a tip, even after they screwed up my order. I wanted my steak medium rare, not rare!”

Overall, it was a decent affair. Men fucked women. Men fucked men. And Rush Limbaugh got too drunk and accidentally fucked an American Indian woman. She’s now pregnant.

Oh well… all is well that ends well!

F.I.N.

-------------------

That’s it for tonight. I know it wasn’t very good, but I’m rather out of it right now. To be honest, this whole blog sucks ass, but at least I tried my best. That’s all I can really do. I hope to do better next week!

PS #1. I’m loving all the holiday lights across Raleigh! I wish my family had been into going all out for the holidays, but they liked to keep it simple. I dream of a day faraway in the future when my kids and I spend an entire afternoon buying decorations and then putting them up. I don’t know if that day will ever come, but I sure hope it does.

PS #2. What the hell is up with the weather in Raleigh? I feel like I’m in Indiana! This cold weather just won’t let up! I truly am FED UP with it!

PS #3. If you’re interested in furthering your education, think about taking courses at Wake Tech. I just got a copy of their Spring catalog today. They’re offering courses in bionetworking, construction, computers, hospitality, plumbing, and much more! Learn some skills, get good at it, and then advertise your services!

PS #4. I probably won’t be back tonight because my hand seriously hurts. Actually, I’ll be back at least once. I want to show ya’ll something. And oh... I haven't managed to quit smoking. I've lowered it a bit, but it's just so hard! SO SO HARD!

PS #5. Since I’ve been going off on republicans, I figured I’d even it out my taking a jab at Obama. So here is my jab. Enjoy.

Friday, December 3rd | Golden (Jill Scott)

Good Evening, Raleigh! This is going to be a very difficult blog to prepare. This week I suffered an upsetting bike-related injury that has greatly inhibited my ability to work efficiently and effectively. For the next six to nine weeks, I have to type, use my mouse, eat, wipe my butt, jerk my chicken, and scrub my oily body almost exclusively with just my left hand. The latter is proving to be especially difficult. Last night I dropped the soap at least 10 times! Thankfully, I was all alone in the shower! What’s interesting though is that I managed to achieve an amazing orgasm with my left hand. I guess changing routines really does make one’s sex life better!

Anyway.

I’m trying to take this injury and its unfortunate repercussions in stride. Am I mad? Certainly. I’m angry, frustrated, bitter, and interested in using my stiff, cast-armored appendage to stab the persons responsible in their eyes. The person or entity I hold most responsible, though, is God!



Bastard!

I’m mad and frustrated, but the key lies in overpowering all these negative emotions with positivity. Things are going to be extra rough, but I have to keep it moving. Since I can’t keep up with my regular work schedule, however, I’ve temporarily suspended two of my ‘jobs’ for the time being. I won’t be making nearly as much money for the next 6 or so weeks, but it will give me a much-needed opportunity to slow down and ‘smell the roses,’ as well as figure out a way to avoid all the bill collectors that are going to be coming after me soon. I’m scheduled for surgery next week. Ay yi yi!

Plus typing slowly is forcing me to think more critically. For the past couple of weeks, my blogs have been crap, crap, crappity squared. I haven’t really been trying. I’ve been so desperate to produce a high quantity (2500+ words) blog that I’ve been sacrificing quality. Since there is no way in hell I can produce a 3000+ blog anymore, I might as well take the time to really think about what I’m saying.

Anyway. Let’s get to some fun stuff!

I Can’t Take It Anymore

The GOP is really starting to piss me off. It’s like they’re against anything and everything positive. They’re more concerned with making sure Ben Stein ("Bueller?...Bueller?") doesn’t suffer from a “slightly higher marginal tax rate,” than they are with promoting food safety, equal rights, and nuclear disarmament. I wouldn’t be surprised if they continue to throw hissy fits, even after the tax issue is resolved.

Granted, I understand the controversy surrounding the Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors (DREAM) Act, not to mention the potential repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT). However, there is no reason on earth for them to block passage of the Food Safety Modernization Act, the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act, and the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START).

According to the Heritage Foundation, the Food Act permits the FDA to have a say in how farmers grow products. This means they can establish “rules governing soil, water, hygiene, packing, temperatures, and even what animals may roam which fields and when.” It also authorizes the government to charge food manufacturers for the additional facility inspections.

It sounds pretty good to me, but not to Glenn Beck. He says the Food Act is paramount to more government control, higher taxes, increased food prices, and eventual “starvation.” Sighs. Listening to Glenn Beck pains me more than trying to scratch the upper left side of my back with my fractured hand. Regardless, Beck is full of shit.

Another GOP ‘news’ source claims the bill would give the government the power to arrest anyone for simply growing backyard vegetables and selling them at a farmer’s market. This is pure and simple fear mongering. According to USA Today, an amendment added by Senator Jon Tester of Montana “would exempt from regulation farms that do less than $500,000 in sales a year; that sell only within 275 miles of the farm; and that sell only on the farm or to farmers markets, restaurants or grocery stores.”

As for the Zadroga Act, the GOP is scared that compensating the brave aid workers who suffered health complications from working at the 9/11 ruins would lead to “job-killing taxes.” I agree with Rush Limbaugh that we should allocate more funds to families of American military personnel killed in combat (assuming I’m not misinterpreting his words), but that’s an entirely separate issue. What we’re talking about here are people who put their lives on the line—and some of them even died—to try and save victims of 9/11!

Last up is the START initiative, which the GOP feels would put us in a vulnerable position. Admittedly, this is a very complicated treaty that I haven’t yet had the chance to thoroughly review. From my current vantage point, however, I see no reason why we shouldn’t work with Russia to reduce our stockpiles of nuclear weapons.

I seriously cannot take it anymore, which is why I’m about to go shopping. Wish me luck!



E-Cigarettes

Due to the injury I sustained, I’m going to have to permanently quit smoking. This includes e-cigarettes. So though I’m freaking miserable right now, this injury will in fact end up ultimately saving my life. It’s amazing how the world works, aye?

Speaking of smoking, electronic cigarettes are not all they’re cut out to be. I was overly excited last Friday, but during this past week I discovered that e-cigarettes kind of suck. They do take care of the craving, but there’s nothing quite like the taste of a cigarette—let alone the sensation of 4,000+ carcinogens poisoning my body. Mmm… kill me now, baby!

I still readily recommend e-cigarettes as a smoking alternative, but I’m not going to lie. It’s not the same. It doesn’t taste the same and it doesn’t feel the same. More importantly, it’ll never replace the joy that can be obtained from smoking a square after a sensual session of masturbating! Mind you, switching to e-cigarettes is a lot easier to handle than trying to quit smoking cold turkey.

Just watch out, though, because after this weekend of drunken revelry, I won’t be smoking anymore, so I’m going to be more moody than a butch lesbian with P.M.T.

Miscommunication

There’s a lady whom I believe doesn’t like me. In fact, I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m a jerk. It’s quite unfortunate because she has me all wrong. Sadly, this happens often with me.

As a very anxious individual, I sometimes use techniques to calm myself, especially when I’m feeling extra nervous. My most commonly used tactic is to repeat what I see— lighter, Day’s Inn, oranges, Miller High Life, etc. This unfortunately tends to backfire.

For instance, I was about to walk out of a grocery store isle when I spotted someone turning the corner. It made me nervous, so I immediately said ‘crackers’ in regard to a box of crackers on the shelf. The Caucasian who appeared must have heard me and misinterpreted my intention, because he frowned and gave me a ‘mean mug.’

Something similar happened with the lady. I was waiting for my order at a fast food restaurant when a customer walked in. I immediately grew anxious, so I started pacing and repeating what I saw. While he was ordering, I decided to walk over to another part of the store. Along the way, I passed by the ‘trash’ can right behind him. And well, I think the lady behind the counter thought I was referring to the man.

Sighs. Really? Have you seen how I dress? Have you seen the doggy-bite-mark hole in my right shoe? Have you seen my HAIR? Why would I call someone else trash, when I myself look like I was just released from a mental ward ;-).

I understand these miscommunications are my fault, but it still sucks. I’m not trying to insult or demean other people. I’m just trying to cope with my social anxiety. I am nonetheless sorry for the confusion I sometimes cause. Just be assured that if you hear me use the terms ‘cracker’ or ‘trash,’ I’m not referring to you—unless of course you’re Rush Limbaugh, a man who believes the American Indians owe white people reparations.

Speaking of classic cases of miscommunication…



By the way, if you ever hear me say ‘penis’ in a grocery store, it means that I just saw a humongous bratwurst that reminded me of myself.

A Look Inside a Screwed-Up Mind

I think I have ADD, not to mention Asperger Syndrome, Social Anxiety Disorder, Impotence, and B.G.D. (Big Ego Disease). I’m not going to make excuses or ask for help, but I would like to give you a brief glimpse into my mind.

If you were to spend 20 minutes lecturing me about Ronald Reagan, and you were to then ask me questions about the lecture, my answers would probably provoke you to accuse me of not paying attention. That wouldn’t necessarily be the case, though. The truth is that it’s extremely difficult for me to absorb information that I can’t connect with. To me, all the information in the world is like a bunch of shapeless pieces of a puzzle. Until I’m able to pick up on a cue that helps my mind shape the pieces, I can’t piece together the puzzle.

For instance, I’ve heard of and even looked up the word orthopedics at least one hundred times, but it’s never stuck with me. After having suffered a fracture, however, I guarantee you that I will never forget its meaning.

Here’s another example. Prior to watching Hotel Rwanda, I read a few Wikipedia entries to get a general idea of the Rwandan Genocide. To be honest, most of the information didn’t really make sense to me. It wasn’t until I started watching the movie that the pieces started to take shape and come together in my mind.

This is a very frustrating ‘condition’ because it impedes my ability to learn new information. It’s in fact the very reason names and dates mean nothing to me. I’m much better at learning ideas than I am at learning specific facts. On more than one occasion in college, I studied so hard for a test, only to fail because the teacher decided to focus more on facts and figures than ideas. It was very frustrating.

I guess my point is that you shouldn’t necessarily assume someone isn’t paying attention. Some of us can tune in and try our hardest, but unless what you’re saying is relatable to us in some form, we’re just not going to get it.

Soul Train

I missed the 2010 Soul Train Awards last Sunday, but I was fortunate enough to catch their two-hour Soul Train special. I was really blown away by it. Soul Train was a cultural phenomenon that spawned some of the best music, flyest clothes, and hippest dance moves of the 20th century. I got to give it up to Don Cornelius for creating the masterpiece that is… Soul Train!

However, I also have to give it up to Keenan Ivory Wayans for coming up with the pseudo-masterpiece known as… OLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD TRAIN!



La Dog

The dog is still with me. I was very frustrated with her last week, but things are better now. Some people were clearly irritated by my rant, but they can kiss my ass. I’m done apologizing for just being myself. I may be a rash, immature, and arrogant ass, but dayumnit… that’s just who I am! Either love it or hate it, because if I ever change, it’s going to be on my own terms!

Anyway.

She’s a bit frustrated because we can’t go biking anymore. She’s also being picky about her food. I have to mix it with ketchup for her to eat it, lol! Overall, though, we’re maintaining. I did call Animal Control, but I changed my mind at the last minute. They were ready to come out here and get it, but I just couldn’t do it. I guess I do kind of love her big-eared, “ugly” ass. Just do me a favor, God, and make sure my future wife don’t end up bein’ as butt-ugly as my dog! AND YOU KNOW THAT’S RIGHT!

Who’s to Blame?

They say the government is to blame for outsourcing. I disagree. Here’s a simplified case scenario I’ve developed to present my argument.

Bad corporations do wrong things.

When the government tries to regulate these bad corporations and make them accountable, they strike back by outsourcing.

So is it the government's fault?

Suppose your son does something bad, so you ground him. Then later that day, you find out that he retaliated by drawing on the walls of his room. Should you bend over and apologize? Or should you ground his butt to dust!?

I realize this is a very simple analogy, but do you see at all what I’m trying to say? It’s not the government’s fault that greedy, slimy corporations counter government regulation (which I feel is a good thing) with actions that hurt the general public. It’s the corporations’ fault for being assholes.

Klan Member Suffers Fatal Heart Attack After Being Forced to Watch Roots

Though this was partially inspired by real events, it’s a total piece of fiction. Also note that it’s 12am and I’m trying to piece this all together with a fractured hand. So don’t expect anything spectacular!

Avid bicyclist and Ku Klux Klan member Nathan Bedwetter Forrest Ranger suffered a fatal heart attack after he was forced to watch Roots by an enraged band of African American patients at the WakeMed Emergency Department in Raleigh, NC.



It all started on the evening of December 28, when Nathan, 28, tumbled into a ditch while riding his bicycle to McDonalds to retrieve a scrumptious treat for his wife of six-months, Queen Shiba the dog (check Offbeat White Trash News for additional information).

The accident, which according to Nathan was the result of a construction company that had failed to properly cordon off a dangerous zone, displaced his pinky finger.

“He started cryin’ out for his mama like a punk bitch,” said Mandingo Okonkwo, an extremely dark-skinned African American man who witnessed the accident, called 911, and then subsequently used his complexion to hide in the shadows in fear of being arrested for non-payment of child support.

“I would have left, but I wanted to see what was gon’ happen to that cracker.”

When emergency officials arrived, Nathan was immediately hauled off to the WakeMed Emergency Department, which at the time was brimming with patients due to a shoot-out that had just occurred on Poole Road, SOUTH SIDE!

Upon seeing the large congregation of African Americans in the emergency room, Nathan foolishly decided to make a statement by using hospital bed sheets and a Sharpie marker to construct a makeshift Klan outfit.

His thoughtless actions were met with an immediate backlash by the patients.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Sumit Saxena, a young Indian man who was sitting quietly in the corner when the incident broke out. “Suddenly gun-shot victims were hopping off their beds like zombies who were just brought to life. The entire room went berserk.”

Fueled by Nathan’s racist remarks, not to mention the fact he was crying like a baby over a mild pinky injury, over 60 African American patients rushed him, and then proceeded to tie him up.

“I’ll never forget what happened after that,” said Rusty Owens, a WakeMed security guard who was rendered immobile by the stampede. “They led him over to this large TV on the wall, and this one guy... this DVD dealer... he put in a DVD of Roots. Then the whole room went quiet, except for the Klansman of course!”

According to bystanders, Nathan screamed, pounded his tied-up fists together, stomped hit feet on the floor, and made pouty faces for an hour.

“But then suddenly,” said Lateisha, a 23-year-old African American woman whose weave was violently ripped off her scalp during a cat fight on Poole road, “the scene where Kunta got whipped came up. And I don’t know. Suddenly he got all quiet and shit. It was unreal.”

It wasn’t unreal, though. It was real. It was all too real for Nathan, who after a lifetime of being brainwashed by the Klan, finally had a revelation.

“OMG!” Nathan reportedly exclaimed. “I’m a got-dang piece of white, dog-fucking racist trash!”

Finally, after so many years of following a dark path, Nathan had awakened to the glory of righteousness. It was like he was a new man, said Rusty. He cried and hugged his African American kidnappers. And he even spoke to the Indian.

“Instead of saying I stinked,” said Sumit, “he said I just smelled different. It was a very touching moment for me!”

Unfortunately, it lasted only a short while. According to onlookers, Nathan’s gargantuan mother showed up 15 minutes later. She then proceeded to kiss him on the lips, rub her bosoms in his face, cradle his cock with her grease-laden fingers, smack him on the cheeks, and then lecture him on the merits of racism.

Upon waking up from the ‘dream’ of revelation and realizing that he had hugged African Americans, Nathan suddenly suffered a fatal heart attack and died.

It appears some people just can't handle the truth. Oh well...

F.I.N.

[It’s not wrong to say - He was like a new man, said Rusty. It just means I’m paraphrasing him.]

---------------

Well, that’s it, folks. I likely won’t be back tonight because typing is a total pain in the butt right now. I’m dead exhausted. I’ve been in front of this keyboard almost all day long. It really really sucks and I’m obviously a bit depressed. However, I may change my mind once I become giddy with alcoholic glee! Yayyyyyy! Regardless, though this injury sucks, it’s not going to stop me from taking charge of my freedom and living my life like it’s GOLDEN, and you certainly know that’s right!

PS #1. Thank you ABC for temporarily bringing ‘The Whole Truth’ back. It’s like a charming, playful version of Law n Order. Don’t get it twisted, though, because it’s no less compelling! It just has this certain je ne sais quoi quality to it! By the way, thank you for teaching me a new word, Mr. Colbert!

PS #2. Louis C.K. is the GREATEST comedian of our time. He was on the Tonight Show tonight, and he had me laughing for 15 minutes straight. This guy is a comedic genius. Wow. Wow. Wow. THAT is talent! He needs his own TV show! It should be like a follow-up to Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Really Really REALLY Hates Louis. Lol. Amazing.

PS #3. Equally amazing was Jay’s interview with rock climber Aron Ralston. This guy is so charismatic and charming. He’s an amazing young man and a true inspiration. However, Jay feels that people suffering from drug- & emotional-related problems should just merely read Aron’s story. I understand where he’s coming from, but somebody suffering through an emotional ordeal isn’t necessarily going to be able to relate to Aron, a good-looking and married man who almost died while rock climbing.

To be perfectly honest, during my most troubled times (including when I used to prostitute myself for money), I didn’t give a shit about other peoples’ experiences. I just wanted somebody to listen to MY EXPERIENCE and actually care, understand, and maybe even empathize. Don’t get me wrong. I love this Aron guy and I greatly look up to Mr. Leno (other than the fact that he has so many cars, yet he can’t spare one for me, lol), but I have to keep it real.

PS #4. I want to take a moment to thank all the Wake Med nurses and doctors who helped me out this week. I really appreciate your kindness! I especially want to thank an extremely awesome woman who made me feel like a giggling little girl, aka a Sweetie Pie. (angel face smile) lol. It was a bit awkward being called a sweetie pie, but it was endearing and heartfelt, so I want to wish you a thank you from the bottom of my cholesterol-clogged heart ;-).

PS #5. It astonishes me that the GOP is more concerned with extending tax-cuts for the rich, than they are with extending unemployment benefits. Watch out seniors, because they’re coming for you next!

Friday, November 19th | U Can't Touch This (MC Hammer)

It’s Feel Good Friday, folks! And there are less than 7 days til good ol’ Thanksgiving! Whoo hoo!

I don’t know about you folks, but I seriously deserve this weekend! I’ve been working so hard, it’s not even funny. I’m currently working part-time for four different companies. I could just work full-time for one, but I’m prone to quickly becoming bored. Performing different types of writing—reports, reviews, news, blogs, etc.—keeps me fresh and enthusiastic, which is a must for staying productive.

Anyway. Let’s get to some interesting discussions.

Get Yo Mutha****ing Hands Off Me!

The big story on everybody’s mind this week is the introduction of a full-body scanner by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). Passengers must either be scanned, or face a thorough pat down. Personally, I don’t mind putting my curvaceous, Herculean body on display for TSA security officials to gawk over. Nor do I mind if an official, whether male or female, touches my junk or accidentally gets his or her finger stuck up my pie-hole. Nevertheless, let’s take a brief look at some pros and cons (Fallon!).

Pros: We are in a state of war, which demands that we sacrifice some of our civil liberties in exchange for enhanced national security. Things may seem peachy clean at home, but we have thousands of troops in the Middle East risking their lives everyday to combat one of the most elusive foes in human history: terrorists. And these terrorists aren’t stupid. If anything, they’re highly intelligent and skilled practitioners of evil who’ll do anything to kill Americans—including sticking bombs up their piehole.

Cons: We’re fighting to bring democracy and freedom to the Middle East, yet at the same time we’re disregarding the very tenets that define our country and constitution. Safety is important, but so is every American’s right to not have their privacy infringed, let alone their bodies forcefully exposed to potentially dangerous radiation. Where will it stop? How long until these methods of ‘enhanced national security’ start showing up everywhere—at bus stops, subway stations, and even schools?

Conclusion: This is a difficult debate with no right answer. What disturbs me the most, though, is that some people, even those of a darker persuasion, believe that we should force only Muslims to undergo these extreme measures. I realize that people aren’t thrilled about what’s going on, but profiling is certainly not the answer. However, Israel might have a potential solution. Check it out: The Israelification of Airports.

Just remember, folks…. though things are bad, at least our airports aren’t been ran by Hamas!



Everybody Pays Taxes

Conservatives hate the social welfare system because it uses up their tax money. What many of them seem to not realize though is that we all pay taxes—conservatives, liberals, moderates, etc. My point is that we should all have a say in how our taxes are spent.

However, wouldn’t it be nice if we could each individually choose where our tax money goes? Can you imagine if each year the IRS provided a form with a list of checkboxes that we could select? This would allow conservatives to funnel their hard-earned tax dollars into defense, social security, and whatever else they deem important. By the same token, liberals could direct their taxes toward social welfare, education, and universal healthcare.

It’s just a thought, but still… I quite fancy the idea of us the people having the power to control where our money goes. It seems a lot more democratic than the current piece-of-shit system that’s in place.

Pseudo-Intellectuals

What is a pseudo intellectual and what is a loser? I frequently hear these terms, but I don’t get their meanings. Let’s begin with an analysis of the former.

Sometimes I get called a pseudo-intellectual, and to be quite honest, it irritates the bloody hell out of me. I admit that I’m neither brilliant like Franklin Mumford (‘My Wife and Kids’), nor a professor like my esteemed father. Nevertheless, I possess enough wit to perform research, analyze information, and reach my own conclusions. If that’s not a sign of intellectualism, especially for a 28-year-old, then I don’t know what is!

I guess some people are so intellectually gifted that they view anyone beneath them as a pseudo-intellectual. That’s unfortunate because one’s IQ isn’t the only determining factor behind intelligence. There are a host of different considerations to factor into the equation, such as emotional intelligence, common sense, and humility. A guy may have a 160 IQ, but if he gets shot because he refuses to give his wallet to a thief, then ultimately… he’s a fucking moron. Lol

But seriously, I get frustrated when people call me dumb, because I know for a fact that I’m fairly smart. I’m not a genius and I likely will never be one, but I’m positive that I’m not a dumbass—though admittedly, sometimes I pretend to be one to garner laughs ;-).

Losers

To me, losers are people who leech off others because they’re unwilling to make a genuine effort to sustain themselves. Mind you, those with legitimate disabilities or disorders that prevent them from taking care of themselves certainly don’t fit this profile.

Society apparently has a different definition of a loser. As far as I can tell, a loser is anyone who either fits or doesn’t fit the status quo. For instance, Facebook haters think Facebook users are losers with no real life, whereas Facebook lovers think Facebook haters are anti-social losers who live in a dark dungeon underneath their Mothers’ homes.

What really cracks me up though is when people refer to successful people, including celebrities, as losers. How can you equate having money, a home, and a great career with being a loser? I for the life of me cannot make this connection. “Angelina Jolie is a loser,” said the 225-pound, chain-smoking waitress on a break from Red Lobster.

But truthfully, the biggest loser of all is the Universe!



That’s a shame.

Happy Meals, Four Loko, and Cigarettes

Some people feel that the government’s persistent attempts to regulate what products we can consume or use is turning us into a nanny state. San Francisco has banned toys from Happy Meals, federal officials are planning to outlaw Four Loko, and the FDA is trying to curb smoking by redesigning cigarette packaging—which, truthfully, doesn’t exactly fit the nanny state profile, but still.

By the way, Nana, I'm well aware that smoking is going to make me (a man) get pregnant and eject a black, oily 'Skin of Evil' (Star Trek: TNG) baby out my anus, but I'm still going to continue smoking until I get a Green Smoke e-cigarette kit for Christmas, so suck it!

Pros: Putting toys in Happy Meals is equivalent to rewarding a child for eating unhealthy. Four Loko is a dangerous concoction of alcohol and caffeine that has already led to numerous deaths across the country. And some teenagers are dumb enough to start smoking cigarettes—so why not try to dissuade them with graphic depictions of a smoker’s lung? Look, kids are young, dumb, and inclined to do stupid things. Since we can’t always prevent them from making the wrong choice, why not just allow the government to take away the choice altogether?

Cons: What Americans do with their money is their own business. The government has absolutely no right to interfere with the people’s right to eat unhealthy, overload their bodies with alcohol and caffeine, or smoke like a chimney. These may be destructive behaviors, but the cornerstone of America is individual liberty. Plus drinking a Four Loko is no different than mixing up a cocktail of Vodka and Red Bull. So what’s next—a ban on Vodka and Red Bull!?

Conclusion: I think the government needs to lay off. I don’t mind them changing their advertising methods, such as in the case of cigarette packaging. Nor do I mind Michelle Obama’s attempt to educate families on healthy eating habits. However, there’s a big difference between giving advice and being an overbearing Nanny.

Dear Sarah Palin: Stop, Drop, and Roll Your Ass Home

I sincerely wish Sarah Palin would give up politics. This woman is dafter than a lobotomized dog! I appreciate her bubbly personality, but if she truly believes she’s going to win the 2012 presidential bid, then she’s out of her fragernackle mind. It’s never going to happen. There’s no way the America people will ever vote her into power, because she clearly doesn’t have what it takes.

What she does have though is the capacity to entertain, which is why I urge her to quit politics altogether, and pursue a full-time career in the entertainment industry instead. I can’t guarantee that I’ll become a fan, but I’m certain she’ll do well. You betcha!

Get your own reality show (check). Sign your daughter up for a reality dance competition (check). Quit politics (?). I hope you make the right decision, Mrs. Palin!

Knowledge is Power, and Our Children are the Future

I was especially touched by tonight’s episode of School Pride. One thing dawned on me though. Without the money of corporations, this wouldn’t be happening. The show relies on funding from NBC and retail outlets like Walmart, both of which are operated by large corporations. What’s sad to me is that these companies are likely only participating in an attempt to boost their own ratings and sales. Though I greatly appreciate their efforts, I wish they’d do things like this more often—and for the right reasons.

You know, knowledge is everything folks. And it’s our children that will one day lead this country, which is why it’s so important we give them the tools and resources to excel.

Let me tell you a story. Back in highschool, I was a bit interested in learning about film technology, so I decided to enroll in my school’s ONLY film class. I was greatly disappointed when I discovered that the class was ridiculously outdated. According to the teacher, each part of a commercial should be at least 10 to 15 seconds long. I found that assertion absolutely staggering. Even back then, in the late 90s, the average commercial wasn’t even 15 seconds long altogether!

The point of this story is that if I would have had access to better technology and resources, I may have discovered a passion for filmmaking. This is why I wish to God every school could offer a little of everything—digital media, filmmaking, automotive engineering, etc. Kids are so impressionable that it’s important we expose to as much as humanly possible.

Sighs. Obviously there are limits. Some schools specialize in art, while others specialize in automobiles. That’s just the way of the world, I suppose. But perhaps one day… one day faraway in the future, every child will have the opportunity to not just read about subjects they’re interested in, but also gets hands on experience in them as well. And yes, I’m a full-fledged idealist.

Russians Ordered to Abandon Unicycles in Favor of Horses (Satire)

In an attempt to revolutionize Russia’s antiquated transportation system, President Dmitry Medvedev has decreed that all Russian citizens immediately abandon their unicycles and begin learning how to ride horses.



Russia suffers from a debilitating transportation system based strictly on unicycles. For the past six centuries, ever since Ivan III heroically rolled his now-famous unicycle over the last Mongolian invaders as they “played dead,” the unicycle has been the single most widely used form of transportation in all of Mama Russia.

“To the Russian people, a unicycle is a symbol of total freedom from barbarian ways,” remarked presidential aide Aglaya Vasilevich, as she quickly finished off the last portion of a seal penis. “It has been a part of our way of life for centuries.”

Indeed, the unicycle has played a pivotal role in Russian art, history, society, and technology.

It was on a unicycle, for instance, that explorer Vitus Bering discovered Alaska, when—while frantically fleeing his enraged wife, who had just caught him in bed with Professor Coldheart of the Care Bear Institute—he accidentally fell over a cliff and crash-landed in the very spot where American politician Sarah Palin currently resides.

And it was a unicycle that inspired 19th century engineer Yuri Denisyuk to draft the first-ever robotic soldier, R2-007. Sadly, the original technical draft was lost when Yuri, while camping out in the woods, left it on top of his cooler before going to bed, only to wake up and discover that a band of extremely hungry, homeless Russians had devoured it. All that remains is a rudimentary sketch.



However, though the unicycle clearly proved to be a blessing for the Russian people in the past, it has become a liability in the 21st century. As Russia’s baby boomers, known as the Sputnik generation, continue to age, their ability to correctly maneuver a unicycle keeps declining.

On a recent evening in Moscow, for instance, I watched in horror as an elderly man leading a long funeral procession line slipped and toppled backward onto the woman behind him, causing her to lose balance and fall back onto the child behind her, and so on. I can still hear the voices of men, women, and children screaming as they all fall down like dominos. “Help!” yells a young damsel in distress. “My grandmother has fallen and I can’t get up!”

President Medvedev is all too aware of the situation on the streets. His own mother passed in February 2010 when she was ran down by a drunk, 350-lb wrestler who lost control of his unicycle. This inspired him to think long and hard about how to propel Russia’s transportation industry from the 15th century to the 18th century.

“Why only the 18th?” I inquired.

“Well,” the president scoffed, rolling his eyes in frustration, “we can’t even teach our women how to do something more than be a mail-order bride. What the hell do you expect from us?”

Regardless, it is the president’s hope that the citizens of his beloved country will accept his new decree.

***

It’s been two months since President Medvedev ordered that Russians abandon unicycles and begin to learn how to ride horses. It’s been a tumultuous time rocked by riots and dissent. I’m sitting a few feet behind the president right now. He’s standing up by a podium perched in front of the Mariinsky Palace in Saint Petersburg. He’s about to make a speech.

“My Russian people! I know these have been difficult months for you. Change… change is a difficult thing to accept. Even more difficult to accept is the risk of being kicked to death while trying to bathe a horse’s ass. But these… these are the risks that we must take if we want to propel ourselves forward! So my people, I urge you to put aside your unicycles and join me in this movement forward! The time has come… the time has come for us to join the rest of the world—or at least the parts of it stuck in the 18th century."

To my amazement, the crowd erupts in cheers. Men, women, and children alike claw the air and growl in support. It looks like President Medvedev’s speech had the effect he had hoped for. I guess from hence forth, Russia shall not be a land of bears on unicycles. Instead it shall be a land of bears on horses!

F.I.N.

---

Well, that’s it for tonight folks. I hope you enjoyed my second attempt at satire. I didn’t quite feel this bit as much as I did the one from last week. Meh… you win some, you lose some! Maybe I’ll feel better about it once I relax. I’ve just been so stressed out, man! I’m getting ready to go bike with the dog and then begin my 36 hours of pure peace on Earth before hell unfolds YET AGAIN!

PS #1. Earlier this week a middle-aged white gentleman stopped his truck in the middle of the road to wish me a Merry Christmas. He was trying to say something else as well, but I couldn’t understand him. He had an accent and I have horrible hearing. Regardless, I want to thank him and wish him many blessings. HOWEVER, I would also like to remind him that it’s not Christmas season yet, you jackass! (hahah) Seriously though, why is everybody celebrating Christmas already? People, at least wait until the turkey has had its head chopped off and its butt stuffed before you go all Christmas crazy! I mean… GOLLY! ;-)

PS #2. I read today that San Francisco is now trying to ban circumcisions. This is just plain ridiculous. As a man cursed by foreskin, I say OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! You have no idea how difficult it is to enjoy head with this pesky piece of slimy skin covering my mega-brain. Over the years, the tissue underneath has become so sensitive that I’m more apt to scream in pain than moan in pleasure. If only Mama and Dada would have had it chopped off…. *wipes tears from eyes*.

PS #3. People always complain that CNN writers don’t know what they’re talking about—that they’re lacking an expert perspective. Look, writers don't have to be an expert at the subject they're covering. As a freelancer, I've written about PCs, hair brushes, diarrhea, menstrual cycles, squirrels, nuts, and much more. At the end of the day, I’m just trying to earn a living, not become a friggen professor.

PS #4. Hiphop is subjective. There's no such thing as good or bad rap. It's all opinions. There are songs that make me want to shit on my dog, okay. Yet there are some folks who think these songs are so damn inspirational. By the same token, there are songs that make me see butterflies and angels floating around my head. Yet these very same songs make other people want to stick a finger up their ass until they shit all over themselves. It's all subjective.... SUBJECTIVE is the key. So please don't state your music or art-related preference as a fact, because it's not!

PS #5. I’ve been getting a bit lazy again about cleaning up dog poop. It’s just so annoying. I swear all this dog does is run, poop, eat, and sleep. When she runs, it makes her poop. After she’s pooped, she gets hungry. And then after an hour or two of napping, she wants to exercise again. Sighs. Anyway. In case you ever have to deal with a lazy-ass neighbor who doesn’t pick up his doggie’s poop, just try this method:

Friday, November 5th | And The Beat Goes On (The Whispers)

Evening! This has been one wild and crazy, roller-coaster-like week chockfull of major ups and major downs. Instead of blabbering about it, let’s get down to business!

It’s the End of the World!

When I found out that the democrats had lost the House, my heart literally dropped from my chest down to my ankles. For a moment I felt truly defeated. The rest of that night I stumbled about with a humongous frown. You should have seen it. I looked like a child who didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas. But then another day arrived, and the sun began to rise around me. And after much introspection and deep thinking, I finally felt refreshed and alive once again.

Believe it or not fellow libtardians (and I don’t mean libertarians), but the world hasn't ended! Though America made a decision with which we disagree, they didn’t necessarily make a bad one. Many people are frustrated with both the democrats and republicans. So instead of allowing a majority to rule—as has been the case for the last four years—Americans opted to put republicans in the House to decide short-term issues, and democrats in the Senate to work out long-term issues.

It’s certainly not what I wanted, but I can live with it. The only thing that still stings is the loss of Nancy Pelosi. I realize many people despise her, but I truly love this woman. She speaks directly to me because she supports the same things I do—focusing on energy conservation and renewable energy research, increasing education spending, providing universal healthcare, ensuring civil rights for gays and other abused minorities, reforming marijuana laws, improving the minimum wage, and much much more.

Regardless, this country will continue to move along, though likely at a much slower pace. Giving control of the House to the republicans and leaving the democrats in control of the Senate means that bipartisanship must be pursued. Otherwise absolutely nothing will be achieved. The question remains: Do our politicians have it in them to play nice with one another?

I seriously doubt it, which is why I want to commemorate this occasion with my favorite brand of wine.



Cheers! And good luck at getting absolutely nothing resolved these next two years ;-).

Meet My Evil Twin

I have developed an evil twin. Whereas my craigslist persona believes in being politically correct, maintaining sanity, and fostering diplomacy—save for my late-night, inebriated rants about Slumdog Millionaire—my CNN self tends to be a rather irrational and foul-mouthed, Grade-A shit-talker. I still cannot believe how many rude remarks I made this week about John Boehner, Christine O’Donnell, and all conservatives.

The irony is that I’m completely anonymous on craigslist, whereas I’m identifiable by my actual name on CNN. Yet I feel completely at ease acting like a jackass on an international news site. Part of it is because one tiny comment on such a huge site is likely to get a lot less attention than one humongous ‘rant’ on a local community website.

Do I feel bad about what I’m doing? I do, yet I don’t. It’s not correct to act disrespectful and make jokes at other peoples’ expense. But I need an outlet—a way to relieve my temporary moments of irrationality, anger, and frustration. And since everyone else on CNN is full of sarcasm and disdain, I figured why not join in on the fun. “Fuck me? Naw… FUCK YOU, bitch!”

I do want to apologize though for referring to John Boehner as the ‘scum of America.’ That was just wrong. Mind you I don’t appreciate people referring to Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of Oz, LOL. Politics… gotta love it!

Conservatives versus Liberals

Will conservatives and liberals ever be able to reach a unanimous decision on how to govern this nation? I honestly don’t think it’s possible. We’re too different. It seems like conservatives are more concerned with achieving and maintaining total autonomy, carefully budgeting every dollar, and doing everything in their power to maintain tradition. Liberals on the other hand seem more focused on fostering and upholding all civil liberties, ensuring every man is afforded an equal opportunity to succeed, and reaching a hand out to those in misfortune. Mind you these are merely my perceptions, but let me give you an example.

A lady on CNN expressed her concern over the likelihood that Boehner might repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. She said that her “brother was diagnosed with cancer at 24,” and that he’s only able to receive treatment because he’s on their parent’s plan.

A staunch conservative immediately replied, asking, “I'm happy for your brother and all that, but why should I have to pay for him having cancer?”

Examples like this (and there are many more I could choose from) lead me to believe that conservatives only care about money. It’s like they’d rather stash away every dollar, rather than use it to fund infrastructure, education, healthcare, and whatnot. But at the same time, the way our society functions demands that we be frugal with our money—which is why I believe both conservative and liberal ideologies are necessary to keep America on the right track. Conservatives are skilled at managing money and waging war, whereas liberals do well at standing up for the underdogs and nurturing positive international and domestic relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I’d love it if America one day becomes an all-liberal nation full of happy hippies and hip-hoppers hopscotching through the Garden of Weeden. But without conservatives around to control spending, we’d quickly go broke, get invaded by China, and be ordered to receive plastic surgery so our eyes could match theirs. Mind you if the Republicans were to completely take over, the Lorax would be assassinated, all immigrants would be kicked out, and there’d be no more Taco Bell. No más chalupas? AY YI YI!

The truth is that America is a big unhappy, dysfunctional family with metaphorical liberal women and metaphorical conservative men. And though I support gay marriage, a nation cannot function with just metaphorical testicles and a dick, or metaphorical boobs and a vagina. It needs the whole package—a metaphorical dick, fallopian tube, ovary, testicles, nipples, anal hair, vagina, and perhaps even a metaphorical happy trail.

Speaking of unhappy matrimonies, I’d like to present the first-ever, official conservative/liberal yin yang diagram.


It’d be a lot funnier if it was an elephant flicking off a donkey, and vice versa!

Stop Axing Everything

NBC is starting to really piss me off. First they screwed over Conan O’Brien, then they cancelled my favorite TV shows, ‘Outlaw’ and ‘Undercovers,’ and now they’ve suspended Keith Olbermann for making a private, personal donation to a political campaign. Their motto must stand for ‘Never Be Cool’ because these jackasses certainly know how to be uber-lame.

The problem with networks like NBC is that they refuse to give TV shows a chance. Just because ‘Outlaw’ and ‘The Whole Truth’ (ABC) are performing under-pair at the moment doesn’t mean they aren’t quality shows with the potential to do better. Plus a few million viewers are better than no viewers at all. If these jackass networks keep canceling shows, they’re going to start losing a whole lot of dedicated fans. I myself am quite close to officially blocking NBC at my home!

ABC… you’re on thin ice too!

Past and Present

So this week on Coast to Coast AM Radio they had a few technology experts speak about upcoming gadgets, such as one that’ll automate driving and parking. One frustrated elderly man called in to complain. He felt that such technology would take away from the experience of steering an automobile. I understand where he’s coming from, but he’s missing the point.

Look at this way. What about the experience of riding a horse or pulling a cart with your own body? Though they still exist in some form or another—whether for pleasure or, in the case of a third-world country, survival—they’re on the road to becoming obsolete. Why? To make life easier! To me it’s all about self-actualization. These improvements in technology are making it easier for those who’ve conquered the first three layers of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to climb up the remaining two.

I understand that it’s nice to know how to make a meal without electricity, sleep under the stars, or gallop on an imaginary horse while porters banging coconut shells together follow behind. But these aren’t necessary skills that everyone must know. It’s perfectly fine for people to do it on their own time, but I don’t want society’s overall progress being impeded just because someone stuck in the past is unable to come to terms with the present.

I like microwaves, automobiles, and dishwashers because they save me time—therefore letting me focus on more important stuff like reading, writing, social networking, and walking the pooch. By the way, ALWAYS soak your dishes for a while before you put them in the dishwasher! In fact, I go so far as to even scrub them down! My hand-washing clears the crumbs, while the dishwasher cleans and sanitizes them.

Fostering Bipartisanship

So what can we do to foster genuine bipartisanship, assuming it’s even possible?

Well, here’s a brief list of the top 5 ways to get ir’ done!

#1. BE TRANSPARENT.

I’m greatly disturbed by the fact that John Boehner distributed tobacco company checks on the House floor just before a vote on tobacco subsidies; but at least he did it in front of everyone.

#2. LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER.

Don’t scream obscenities and insults like “YOU LIE!” while another politician is speaking. If you believe someone is lying, wait until it’s your turn to talk about it.

#3. BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE.

If you’re not willing to compromise, then you might as well go home and take a nap. In regard to healthcare, for instance, how about keeping insurance OPTIONAL, but also setting up an OPTIONAL universal healthcare program for those who can’t afford private insurance?

#4. DON’T TRY TO BE SLICK.

Don’t try to be slick by inserting a non-related clause into a bill or act. Nobody likes super-small warning labels, not to mention pieces of completely unrelated legislation.

#5. DON’T BE NEGATIVE.

I hate negative campaign ads. Real men and women don’t need to dispatch their opponents to win. If you are passionate, sane, and have good ideas, then let them be your ticket to victory. When you start lying and saying negative things about your opponents, you start to lose credibility and respect.

And in case these tips don’t work, follow by example!



Now that’s what I call working together to resolve a dispute!

The Royal Ass

I love dogs, but they’re so annoying. Truthfully, I’m better built for a cat. It’ll stroll into its litter box, find a clean spot, and handle its business. Then at the end of the week, or earlier if necessary, you merely switch out the litter. An uppity dog, on the other hand, will sniff 20,000 perfectly clean spots until she finds one deserving of her Royal Ass. Unfortunately I’m allergic to dogs, so I don’t have a choice.

It’s very frustrating. Two weeks ago I was running with my dog. I stopped at least three times to offer her an opportunity to let loose her dog logs; but did she take the opportunity? NOPE! Instead she waited until we were in the middle of a jog to let dribbles of doo-doo drool from her poop chute (she had diarrhea) and onto the sidewalk—a sacred ground used by magnifier-glass-equipped homeless to cook ants and cockroaches for breakfast. HOW RUDE!

Seriously though, I really am not a bad dog owner. I give her plenty of exercise, toys, and food. I just hate cleaning up after her. I guess I’m going to have to just suck it up and handle it, aye? Speaking of which, I want to take a moment to apologize to a neighbor whom I believe is irritated at me because I let dog poop build up in the backyard. Let me explain.

Twice this week a specific neighbor passed by me, and then yelled out something incoherent. The first time we were outside, while the second time I was inside and the neighbor was outside. It’s possible that the neighbor was speaking to someone else both times. But it’s also possible and more likely that the neighbor was trying to tell me something, which is why I spent an entire day trying to solve this mystery.

Was the neighbor:

#1. Mocking me because the democrats lost the House?
#2. Angry at me about something I wrote online? (Assuming the neighbor reads my writing.)
#3. Making fun of me in general? (El Dorko is an easy target.)

It was very frustrating trying to decipher what the neighbor had said. But it finally occurred to me that in both instances, the neighbor had passed through the poop-laden backyard. It then struck me that the neighbor is probably irritated because the neighbor accidentally stepped in one of those piles. Unfortunately I still don’t know for certain, but intuition and deductive reasoning lead me to believe that I’m correct.

So to this neighbor, I want to say I’m very sorry. I will try harder from now on to be more conscientious by cleaning up the poop more often. However, could you do me a favor and be more direct next time? If knocking on my door or tapping me on my shoulder isn’t an option for you, would you kindly consider perhaps taping a note to my door? I’m really good with notes.

Anyway. I hate using such a medium to discuss domestic issues, but I’m very bad at communication, which is why it’s ESSENTIAL that people are direct with me. I won’t be direct with them because I’m a social nitwit—and yes, I’m using that as my excuse! But I’m pretty sure they have the power and capability to be direct with me. And yes, I consider a written note a great way of being direct. In fact, I spent the latter years of HS (after receiving meds and before being expelled) communicating primarily via written notes.

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That’s it for tonight, folks. Thanks for reading and stay blessed! Next up is my usual dose of PS’es or PS(s) or PS’s or however yer supposed to write it!

PS #1 I’m currently in the application process for a really good job at a really successful online company that receives 15 million hits per month. It’s a two-week process during which I have to write 9 high-quality and informative articles that answer certain questions. I’m hoping to get this job, but I’m also scared because the work is a lot harder than what I’ve been doing thus far. This isn’t petty, low-quality writing. These guys have extremely high standards; but they pay really well! I’m talking about $11 to $14 for every 400-word article!!!!

PS #2 Since I’m extremely busy with work, I’ve had less time to think. That’s why this blog kind of sucks, save for the political bits.

PS #3 These people who won an $11-million lottery donated all their winnings to charity. HOW FRIGGEN SELFISH! Do you realize how much they could have done with that money? They could have bought 814 thousand cases of beer and donated it to colleges all across the country! It truly disgusts me how inconsiderate some people can be!

PS #4 Some conservative on the Daily Show Facebook page called all liberals pricks. Excuse me for being rude, but I think conservatives can be pricks too. They engage in group orgies (Limbaugh!), drink like crazy (even more than me!), and watch as their pet dogs fuck other dogs (at least look away!). But God Forbid gays have gay orgies, stoners smoke weed, and straight people watch gay porn (it's quite unusual, but curiosity killed the cat, not the bi-curious 'straight' guy).

PS #5 LOL @ Primetime showing a news clip about Rick Sanchez while discussing anti-Semitism. And I really appreciate them taking the opposite look at Muslims. They’ve done stories on Muslims being accosted by racists, but this time they did one about a young daughter being accosted by her overbearing, fanatical, and control-freak Muslim father. Kudos to them for staying objective and being willing to look at ALL the situations. And oh, LOL @ the fake beggar in a wheelchair.

AWWWW LAWD! I’M BLIND, I AIN’T GOT NO LEGS, AND MY WIFE CUT OFF MY DICK CUZ SHE THOUGHT I WAS SLEEPING WITH MY AMPUTEE THERAPIST!

Can you pleeeeeeeez spare some change!?



Have a nice night, ya’ll!

pEaCe

And oh… my current favorite hiphop songs include ‘Black and Yellow’ by Pittsburgh-native Wiz Khalifa, ‘Start It Up’ by Lloyd Banks (VROOM VROOM), and 'Yeah Boy' by Yung Joc.

And oh… my current favorite hiphop songs include ‘Black and Yellow’ by Philadelphia-native Wiz Khalifa, ‘Start It Up’ by Lloyd Banks (VROOM VROOM), and 'Yeah Boy' by Yung Joc.

Pictures taken from I-Am-Bored, Yours Truly, PassiveAggressiveNotes, and Google Search.

Friday, October 29th | HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Greetings!

In lieu of my regular blog, today I'd like to present to you the top 10 ways to keep fear alive and well in America!

BWAHAHHAHA

#10. Chase after trick-or-treaters while wearing an African voodoo mask, wielding a running chainsaw, and screaming, “Don’t you want to learn about Santeria?!”

#9. Rent a bulldozer, park it outside a homeless shelter, and wait until for it to start getting dark. When homeless people start showing up and asking what’s going on, tell them that Johnny Knoxville is planning to tear down the shelter tomorrow as part of a sketch for Jackass 3D 2.0.

#8. Pick ten white people in your neighborhood, write down their address, and find out where they work. Then send each of them a professional-looking letter that reads, “Sorry, but your job has been outsourced to India.”

#7. Get a job as a secretary at a computer firm that hires a lot of Indians, and find out each employee’s hometown. Then send out a mass emergency company-wide memo that states, “An earthquake measuring 10.0 on the Richter scale just hit India.” Make sure to include a list of all the cities that were hit, and include the employees’ hometowns in it.

#6. Hire a midget and dress him up as the kid from ‘The Grudge.’ Then find an Asian frat party, locate an uncovered window, and have the midget stand outside it while you hold a cat upside down for the associated sound effects.

#5. Kidnap a black woman, tie her in a chair, and use a bullhorn to scream obscenities at her for five minutes straight. Then in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson, ask, “How does it feel, you loud-ass motherfucker!?”

#4. Find a gay guy and break into his home at night while dressed as Satan. Sneak into his bedroom, setup a fog machine and disco lights, and then yell, “I AM SATAN! WELCOME TO HELL, QUEER!”

#3. Gather up a group of friends, dress up as immigration enforcement agents, find a random Hispanic family, and knock on their door. When they open it, barge into their home and scream, “WE’RE HERE TO TAKE YOU BACK TO MEXICO!”

#2. Pop into a 7/11 while wearing a shirt that features an armed man saying, “Jihad This, Motherfucker!” Then approach the Muslim cashier and rudely ask for directions to the nearest gun shop. And right before you step out the door, calmly say, “I’ll be back!”

And finally…

#1. Dress up as Barack Obama’s and Nancy Pelosi’s hideously mutated, socialist Marxist Commi Obamacare-loving son, aka the ANTICHRIST! Then go trick-or-treating.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Lol. I hope you guys enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed coming up with it. ;-)



And on behalf of all nerds, geeks, dorks, and weirdos in America, I want to wish everyone a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Friday, October 22nd | Mama Said Knock You Out (LL Cool J)

In the voice of Alfred Hitchcock, “Good Evening!” I hope everybody had a productive week. Thankfully for most of us, it’s now time to let loose and party like a stockbroker prior to September 2008. Unfortunately I’ll be restricted to my home and surrounding neighborhoods all weekend long. I do nevertheless wish to give my thumbs up and blessings to all the families, friends, and couples attending the State Fair. Have fun, ya’ll! And don’t you dare act like a pussy! If you don’t find yourself upside down at least once during your time at the fair, then you, Sir or Madam, STINK! ;-)

By the way, I want to apologize for the R&R I posted last weekend about my landlord. I prefer to keep my personal tribulations private, but I had a moment of weakness. It happens!

Anyway. This week has been chockablock with exciting stories, so I have a lot to discuss. Unfortunately it’s so much that this isn’t going to be that great of a post. It’s kind of all over the place. I want to apologize in advance. There’s just not enough time left to edit it anymore, so here it is….

What About The Children?

Last weekend teen heartthrob and child prodigy Justin Bieber decked some 12-year-old punk who referred to him as a ‘f***ot.’ Clearly this young man has more heart and courage than I’ve ever possessed, as I’ve never once raised a finger let alone a fist at an obnoxious shit-talker—despite being picked on all my life. I personally refuse to engage in violence because I believe in the words of Gandhi, who once said, “I cannot teach you violence, as I do not myself believe in it.”

However, Gandhi also said, “I can only teach you not to bow your heads before any one, even at the cost of your life.” With that and Bieber’s age both in mind, all I have left to say is, “ROCK ON, DUDE!” Hopefully he’ll handle such situations better in the future, but I don’t blame him a single bit for what he did. Sometimes the best way to deal with a bully is to just sock him or her in the face! This however doesn’t work quite as well with adults ;-).

Anyway. Later this week CNN posted an article about Willow Smith’s upcoming video for her hit song, “Whip My Hair.” I was immediately thrown back by all the nasty comments that followed. Some lady said that Willow looks like a ‘tramp,’ while another complained that she’s a spoiled and worthless brat. Honestly, these comments really pissed me off. And the comments being posted about Bieber are pissing me off as well.

Look, both Bieber and Smith are children. I don’t care if people want to run their mouths off about Obama, Muslims, Johnny Knoxville, or even me (though they might get knocked out), but how dare they speak ill of children! I don’t mind fun and lighthearted jokes, but when grown adults start referring to a children as ‘tramps’ or ‘f***ots,’ they’re crossing the line. What disturbs me the most though are all the parents who behave like this. Not only are they acting like ignorant jerks, but they’re also being irresponsible role models. Where do you think that 12-year-old punk learned that’s it’s okay to disrespect another human being like that?

You know, it’s bad enough that children bully and debase one another. But it’s even worse that adults do it to children as well. There’s something truly wrong with a society when it becomes commonplace and even acceptable to demean children, especially if their only faults are being successful and talented. It really is a disgrace. But as I said earlier, I don’t mind fun jokes that aren’t meant to disrespect. I’m not some uptight ass. But remember… there’s a limit to everything.

Speaking of which, don’t even get me started on people who rip children’s dreams apart.



*Wipes tear from eyes* All little Bobby wanted was to see the flowers grow. But instead he saw them die.

Hasty Generalizations

Sometimes it feels like the world has it out for black people. Every single time I read an article about black people—whether their culture, their churches, or merely their hairstyle—I always stumble on a thousand+ disparaging comments talking about ‘all black people’ this, ‘all black people’ that.

For instance, earlier this week LeBron James shared a racially charged tweet that he received. It read, "U r a big nosed big lipped bug eyed n*****. ur greedy, u try to hide ur ghettoness." That’s a rather demeaning and inappropriate comment, wouldn’t you say? What sort of response do you think that the story garnered?

Well, some people called LeBron a crybaby, some lamented over his decision to switch teams, and others just repeated the same sort of racist trash that was initially hurled at him. So in anger, several clearly upset black commenters struck back by calling all white people racist and intolerant.

This immediately struck a chord in a man named Will, who responded by saying, “It strikes me rather odd that a racist tweet was made against a black person, and then all of the sudden, there's a few responses accusing ‘whites’ of bigotry in this matter. Jumping the gun and accusing whites is in itself either pure carelessness, or just another form of bigotry.”

I completely agree with Will. Unfortunately, it’s very easy to get so riled up with anger that people fall right down to the same level as their aggressors. It’s a disturbing cycle that even I’ve experienced. In the past, when others attacked me with racism, I resorted to fighting back with just as many racial overtones. This would never happen anymore though because I’ve come to realize that the correct and adult way to handle such a situation is to maintain one’s cool.

No matter how much racism or how many insults are flung at you, you must stay poised, confident, and professional. If you resort to the same tactics that were used against you, that makes you no better than the original instigator. By the way, this rule applies to everybody—whites, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, etc. By the way, why does Microsoft Word capitalize Asians and Hispanics, but not whites and blacks? That’s racist ;-)!

Anyway. I want to end this section by quoting my future wife.

“I just embrace all people of all lifestyles, and I don’t tell them that they are bad people. But I feel like people always wanna define me and I don’t wanna be defined. The point is, everyone is not black and white. There are so many shades in the middle, and you’ve got to let people feel comfortable with being who they are.” - Nicki Minaj.

You’re So Well Well-Rounded!

This has been one wild and wacky week on Coast to Coast AM radio. Almost every show featured so-called experts who not only believe in ridiculous conspiracies like the Illuminati, shape-changing reptilian aliens, and chemtrails—but who’re also fundamentalist Christians who use Bible quotes to defend their outrageous theories. It’s like they get off on living in a fantasy world. I am open-minded enough to accept the possibility of alien existence, a link between vaccines and autism, and God, but someone who claims reptilian aliens situated underneath Area 51 are working with the Jews to create a slave race is just plain crazy. There are no ifs, ands, or butts about it!

But my favorite moment came when a black woman called into the show. “How do you know she was black?” you ask. Her name, her voice, her mention of a Jay-Z song, and her proclivity towards using Greyhound busses all led me to this unproven and totally fucked-up conclusion. Regardless, the lady claimed that once while discussing government conspiracies with other passengers on a bus, she began hearing voices that said, “Love the government. The government is good.” She ended her story by claiming that she’s not schizophrenic. Uh…. If she’s not schizophrenic, then I’m not a dumbass. Figure it out.

Thankfully the week ended on a high note when renowned author and journalist Professor Charles Seife came on to discuss real stuff like string theory, supersymmetry, the God particle, and multiverses. It was quite refreshing to hear somebody speak about topics that at least resonate with some degree of factuality. I realize that we can’t technically prove concepts like the atom and the God particle, but at least there’s a shitload of scientific logic behind them.

Anyway. A lot of crazies called into to question Charles, who happens to be agnostic, about his beliefs. They kept bringing up Bible prophesies and whatnot. But one guy really caught my attention. He said, “Dude… you’re so well rounded!” BINGO! And you want to know how he became that way? Through education and the procurement of knowledge! It’s all about learning, folks. And learning isn’t just restricted to book knowledge and science. A truly well rounded person is willing to learn a little about everything—science, technology, politics, romance, doggy-tail communication, hillbilly culture, Buddhism, Bluetooth, and even conspiracy theories. The more you know, the better.

However, a well-rounded individual should also possess enough common sense to be able to distinguish truth from fiction. I don’t mean to generalize all conspiracy theorists, but in my opinion most of their beliefs are based on, as Penn and Teller would say, BULLSHIT.

However, the theorists might be onto something with their assertion that Jewish Men in Black are secretly planning to take over the world in 2012 using their unknown-til-now Jewish Kungfu powers.



AH YAH! Well actually, for a Jew it’d be more like MAZEL TOF! And don’t ask me why they’re saying ‘Thank You’ because I have no idea. It’s all part of their evil plan, dude!

The Mean Girls of Morehouse

There’s a huge story brewing in the black community right now, and most of you probably haven’t heard anything about it. On October 11th, Vibe Magazine published an article about the androgynous men who attend Morehouse College. Just for clarification, Morehouse is a private, all-male historically black college (HBC) situated in Atlanta, Georgia. Some of its notable alumni include Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Spike Lee, and Samuel L. Jackson, to name a few.

Anyway. Though Morehouse officials purportedly harbor no prejudice against homosexuals, they don’t look too favorably on androgyny—let alone anything that differs from the status quo. So a bit over a year ago they enacted a new dress code that bans students from wearing caps, do-rags, sunglasses (really?), sagging pants, dresses, tops, tunics, purses, and pumps.

Then just a few weeks ago, Vibe magazine decided to cover the androgyny situation at Morehouse by publishing an article entitled, “The Mean Girls of Morehouse.” School officials and some students immediately fired back, claiming that the article was distorting Morehouse’s image & reputation. They asked questions like:

Why not write about the good things Morehouse does?
Why talk about such a small segment of the population?
Why talk about an “old” issue?

Suffice it to say, the article managed to open up a huge can of beans. The issues continue to rage, with both sides openly debating the dress code, Vibe Magazine’s controversial piece, and all the associated ramifications. As is evident, it’s quite a controversial issue.

Anyway. My favorite radio-show host, Mr. Michael Baisden, has himself spoken out against androgynous behavior at Morehouse. He feels that dressing in such a manner is inappropriate, not to mention disrespectful. He argues that Morehouse is a private institution, which means it has the right to enact and then enforce whatever rule or rules it deems necessary. Furthermore, Mr. Baisden has noted that Morehouse is a historical college with a rich history. The question he and many others are asking is, “What would Martin Luther King, Jr. think about it?”

Well, though I respect Mr. Baisden’s opinion, I vehemently disagree with it. It is indeed important to recognize our history and traditions. However, it’s also equally important to learn from mistakes made in the past. And considering that we live in an age of open-mindedness, tolerance, and equality, I find it disturbing and almost hypocritical that Morehouse would enact such stringent rules. Who are they to decide how students should dress? Personally I believe Morehouse should rescind its dress code in its entirety, and allow students to dress however they choose. So long as they don’t break the basic rules of dressing in public—don’t be nude, don’t show your genitals, etc.—I frankly don’t care.

Now of course some people argue that this is a foolish ideology because you can’t dress freely in the workplace. That’s incorrect. Admittedly most professional organizations don’t cater to their employees’ individual preferences. However, there are some companies that do. For instance, my brother makes over $100,000 a year working for a very prestigious computer company (think Intel, MontaVista, Compaq, etc.). And guess what… he goes to work everyday dressed like a low-down hippy. I’m talking about shirt, shorts, and shoes straight out of Good Will.

I understand that Morehouse is a private institution with a rich history, but it’s time for Morehouse to pull itself out the Dark Ages. Martin Luther King, Jr. believed in equality and justice for all. And though there’s no telling how he personally would react to androgyny at Morehouse, if he really believed and practiced that which he preached, he would openly accept all those who’re different than him.

Plus think about Ghandi. This great man spent the majority of his life trotting around India in a gown and flipflops, which (no offense) is kind of girly. If Ghandi were alive and he visited Morehouse, would they complain about his garb? Hmmmmmmm? Think about that.



Lookin’ good, GIRLFRIEND! (finger snap)

Lighten Up, Everybody!

So this week feminists worldwide threw a fit over a YouTube video depicting pledges of Delta Kappa Epison’s Phi chapter shouting phrases such as “no means yes” and “yes means anal.” Personally I don’t get it. It’s not like they’re encouraging people to go out and rape women (or men, for that matter). They’re just being silly, goofy fratboys. What’s so wrong with that?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a fan of frats and I would never consider joining one. Nevertheless, I like most fraternity men and sorority women because the one thing they all have in common is that they love to have fun, act silly, and be goofy. And you know what my three favorite pastimes are? Having fun, acting silly, and being goofy!

I just wonder why people are so uptight that they continually choose to make something out of nothing. You know, just today I stumbled on and shared a Waka Flocka Flame, President Barack Obama music video parody titled, Baracka Flacka Flame - Head of the State.” It features an Obama impersonator rapping alongside Michelle right dab in the middle of the hood. Personally I think it’s absolutely hilarious! Some of my friends think otherwise.

They say the video is racist, which is complete bullshit because it was produced by black people! But more importantly, they claim that it only perpetuates the negative way in which all white people supposedly view black people. Now they’ve got to be kidding me. Even if that is true, are they telling me that they think it’s better to be quiet and act a role rather than be free—lest ‘massah’ see them or their ‘brothers’ & ‘sisters’ acting “coonish”? Don’t they realize the slavish mentality in that? Sighs. Be free… BE FREE!

Look, the bottom line is that it was just a funny video. It wasn’t meant to be a commentary on the president or on black culture. It was just supposed to make people chuckle and giggle in glee—kind of like an SNL or Mad TV sketch. What’s so wrong with that?

But yes, I do admit that the video kind of brings into light onto some of the negative behaviorisms that generally emanate from the black community. Poverty stricken black folk from the hood tend to dress a certain way, curse a lot, buy icecream from an icecream truck, and have multiple baby-mammas or baby-daddys. By the same token, many members of the white hood (aka the trailer park) speak garbled English, have been on the Jerry Springer Show, and may or may not be a Tea Party member ;-). And don’t even get me started on the smelly-ass, rat-eating members of the Indian hood! Speaking of which, I’m hungry!

My point is that pretending like these stereotypical behaviorisms don’t exist is foolish. They do exist. Mind you, people like Michael Baisden are trying their hardest to educate and empower the poor so that they can rise up and better their communities. But in the meantime, can’t we just sometimes sit back and laugh at reality? Are you trying to tell me that seeing ‘Obama’ smoking a joint of reefer while Michelle shakes her ass in front of a thug isn’t funny? Obama is black. Most black hiphop videos feature reefer and hoes. Combine the two totally unrelated concepts and you get something called parody and satire. Look it up and buy yourself a sense of humor! 4 real though!

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That’s it for today. Trust me when I say it’s been a very long day. I’ve been writing, editing, reediting, REPEAT all day long. Sometimes I wish I’d get over this stupid blog habit because it tends to make Fridays a lot more stressful than they ought to be. And for what? Absolutely nothing…. save perhaps a tiny bit of supposed self-esteem. Ay yi yi. Like I said earlier, I’m a dumbass!

PS #1. So this week someone called me a know-it-all. Yeah… I admit I’m a know-it-all. I can’t help it though. I LOVE TO TALK! Just ask my roomie. Whenever we work out together, I spend the entire time yapping my gums off. Since most of my life is spent in quiet solitutde, I tend to go a little lip crazy whenever given the chance to express myself. Sawwy… but that’s just the way I am.

PS #2. Wasup with America’s smartphone obsession? I don’t get it. I'm sitting here with a gigantic 22" widescreen, 1080p monitor; a comfortable keyboard; and a convenient mouse. The prospect of trying to browse the net and type up emails (let alone a blog) on a tiny smartphone, let alone a laptop, just doesn't appeal to me. Sadly this old dog just isn’t up to learning new tricks!

PS #3. So researchers say it’s better to have sex several times a week. You got that right! Me and my girlfriend Thumbalina (my thumb + the other four fingers) do it three times a week—and we're quite happy! *sings* Strokeeeeeeee itttttttttt babbbbbbbbbyyyyyyyyy.

PS #4. I hate uptight movie critics. Some psycho broad complained that Jackass is leading to the end of civilization. OH PLEASE! This is how I responded:

Blah blah blah. I watched Agora this weekend. It's a provocative and thought-inspiring film that a simpleton like yourself couldn't even possibly begin to grasp. Yet I fully intend to watch Knoxville's film as well. You and those like you are uptight elitists -- and are in fact the real problem with America. Believe it or not, but there's more sanity in letting out a fart than there is in being an elitist snob. Speaking of which, let some gas out your butt for a change. It'll do you wonders! You might also want to trying having an orgasm as well.

PS #5. According to Christine O’Donnell, “American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.”

Ladies and Gentlemen…. Micky Mouse has attained consciousness!



And for some odd reason he’s decided to dress up as a dog for Halloween. Hmmm... that’s just weird!

Night!