Heartfelt Thank You(s)
#1. Thank You to all the men and women in the military that strive everyday to uphold the principles that define our country. Without your efforts, America would probably be taken over, after which I would likely be adorned with a wig and panties, forced to wear makeup, and then designated as a virgin for some closeted Jihadist Imam named Yuliqa M’Diq. Seriously though, the appreciation and love that we as citizens have for your bravery and courage is unconditional. You put aside your family & kids and risk your life to protect the liberties we hold dear. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and GOD BLESS YOU!
#2. Thank You to all the men and women who volunteered this week to help prepare meals for the homeless and hungry. Without your services, many people would have been unable to take part in the wonderful tradition of Thanksgiving. It is people like you who give me hope that one day there truly will be world peace and happiness. By the same token, Thank You to all the Mothers and Fathers struggling in poverty, working hard everyday like James and Florida Evans to give their children nothing but the best. And that's coming straight from the mouth of Kid DynoMITE!
#3. Thank You to my family for always being there for me. An extra thank you to my Mom for showing me that no matter what job you have, you should always work hard and be proud. My Mom is the best food-service worker in America, bar none! And unlike the Indian food at most Indian restaurants (NO OFFENSE!), my Mom's cooking not only looks good and smells great, but it's actually edible and won't give you diarrhea.
#4. Thank You to PW for giving me a great job that has taught me an incredible amount about gadgets and technology, as well as kept my pockets full enough to maintain a decent living. Speaking of which, feel free to check out ProductWiki. The way it works is that people like me write basic-level reports on products, after-which a specialist then comes through and defines the pros/cons for that specific item. Our goal is to one day cover every single consumer and business product on the market. Instead of having to sort through ‘jargonesque’ company marketing, you can instead read a succinct and to-the-point report that streamlines all the data into an easy-to-read format.
#5. Thank You to my body for giving me direct access to my brain. Prior to 2008, my brain laid dormant as I slowly corrupted it with endless streams of drugs and alcohol. It's amazing what putting down the pipe, getting up, and dedicating yourself to hard work can do for you. I still drink and engage in other heathenish activities, but at least I moderate it!
Half-Ass Thank You(s)
#1. Thank You to Howie Mandel for revealing his OCD story on 20/20. It came as a complete shock to me; I thought he was just kidding around. I myself used to suffer from extreme OCD before I was prescribed medication, after-which it declined rapidly. As severe as his OCD is though, I wonder how he manages to have sex with his wife. It must be an unusually awkward experience: "NO! Don't touch me there! Don't touch me THERE either! Oh... you want me to touch you? Sorry, but I can't touch THAT. What if I give it a real hard fist bump instead?" Sorry, but that's funny to me. I got nothing but love for Mr. Mandel though. The best of luck to you, Sir!
#2. Thank You to everybody who visited WeirdAsiaNews. We went from approximately 9K to 36K overnight. I appreciate it tremendously. I did learn a lesson in the process though: DON'T COMMENT ON YOUR OWN WORK! It looks unprofessional, especially if you are commenting while drunk. Best bet is to write it, let it be published, and then watch it from afar. Even more surprising though was to discover that a large portion of my audience came from California. Hmm… Anyway. I have a boring piece dropping on Sunday, a funny piece on Monday, and more soon to come. Remember, the feed is kind of slow. We only publish 1 or 2 pieces a day, but have close to 10 writers on board. Gotta share the glory, mayne!
#3. Thank You to Crystal Palace for hiring and then firing me in 2007 (has it been that long?) I had an opportunity to work with a batch of wonderful people from all across the globe. Unfortunately, I was just not cut out for the job and was eventually terminated -- partially as a result of my stank attitude. The truth is that I cannot stand doing the same thing over and over and over and over again. Without creativity, I become very bored, then irritated, and eventually straight-up peeved. I do nonetheless appreciate the great opportunity, as well as the great people. As a great man once said, "Man with one chopstick go hungry." That has NOTHING to do with what I just said, but it just felt right.
#4. Thank You to the Korean Steakhouse and Laku Japanese restaurant for hiring and then firing me in 2008. It was an honor to learn about Korean/Japanese food and traditions, especially Bolgogi -- a Korean dish consisting of a savory slab of marinated beef. I learned then and there though that my dumbass is not suited to be a waiter. It's quite hard to please a customer when your nervous ticks have you repeatedly murmuring insulting epithets such as "you cheap bastard" right underneath their nose. Quite frustrating, but reminiscent of the House episode, "The Social Contract."
#5. Thank You to life in general for food, shelter, decent looks, still functional genitals, somewhat big muscles, and the strength to deal with autism. I am in fact reminded of the autistic child who recently spent 11 days riding the subway. He reminds me a little bit of myself, save that I was a lot cuter. Mind you, I lacked his fashion sense. In fact, I didn't even discover deodorant until the 7th grade, at which point I would spray myself with ridiculous amounts of liquid deodorant until I ended up smelling horrible. The thing about us high-functioning autistic folk is that we are somewhat slow in learning new things. For instance, I didn't discover the great benefits to incorporating fiber into one's diet until my mid 20s. Suffice it to say, the period of time between when I moved out of my parent's place to when I discovered fiber was quite shitty, if you catch my drift!
Just Plain Ridiculous Thank You(s)
#1. Thank You to Louis Griffin for being so damn attractive. I just recently discovered Family Guy during an extremely bored Saturday. Previously, I ignored and scorned the show because I felt it too juvenile; boy, was I wrong! The irony is that not only is she a fictional character, but she's played by an overly well-fed woman. I just hope that this whole incident doesn't inspire me to start watching anime porn. That would just be a damn shame...
#2. Thank You to Pee-Wee Herman for returning to entertain us once again. One small step forward for Paul Reuban; one giant leap backwards for mankind. J/K. I have nothing but respect for Mr. Reuban, although I do suggest that the next time he beats off, he may perhaps want to consider doing it in private. All he needs in an Ethernet-connected computer, a Christmas stocking (don't ask), a flashlight (DON'T ASK!) and maybe a bowling bowl (PLEASE DON'T ASK!!!). And oh yeah, I forgot a ROPE (need something to tie the bowling ball with............)
#3. Thank You to Wanda Sykes for her late night television show on Fox. It begs the question though: Who is the bigger sellout. Is it Wanda for choosing a conservative network to perform her liberally slanted comedic sketches (which I love by the way!); or is it Fox for allowing a bitchy ultra-liberal lesbian (aka a B.U.L.L.) to spew her liberal propaganda on their network?
#4. Thank You to Norm McDonald for proving that even a totally weird asshole who interrupts other people’s interviews on the Tonight Show can still be funny. By the way, is it just me or is there a chance this guy might be a tad bit autistic? He acts very nervous, holds onto his hands, and looks at the floor a lot. He's like my twin Caucasian brother.
#5. And finally... Thank You to Jay Leno for broadcasting on Thanksgiving. Without him, I would have been bored to tears during my evening workout. The dedication he has towards his job is truly remarkable. With all the money that he has, I would have long ago quit, divorced my wife, and wasted the rest of my days hanging out at a strip club in my pajamas like these young gangsters:
I bet you thought I was going to post a picture of a cat. Got yah!
Aight. I’m dead exhausted from a long week of work and working out. Adios and GOD IS LOVE, although truthfully… I would really prefer the love of a massage parlor masseuse right about now. Eh… oh well.
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