A toasty cheeseburger drenched in ketchup and mustard; a Marlboro Light cigarette stuffed with freshly grown American tobacco; bacteria free water that’s been properly filtered a thousand times over; and sexy women who bathe frequently. God, it feels Great to finally be back HOME in my Mother country, the United States of America, the land of the free and the home of the brave. I’m a McDonalds-eating, Walmart-loving American and damn proud of it. Yo DJ—turn up the music and let’s get this party started!
The Parable of the Tree
Before I begin, I want to relate a parable that I've devised which accurately depicts my perception of 'family roots.'
Consider a tree seed. It lands upon the Earth and digs roots deep into the soil. It then sprouts upwards, gradually revealing generation after generation of descendents. Many years later, a lone baby seed lying atop the canopy tumbles from its parent and is whisked away to a far-off land. In time, it too lands upon the Earth and digs toward the ground and sprouts toward the sky, eventually forming its own ‘tree.’ The cycle continues on and on, until one day perhaps a great grand-descendent of the original seedling finds itself on an entirely new planet—or perhaps even in a whole different universe.
I am like the lone seed atop the canopy. Although my parents hail from India, I intend to build my own family tree here in the United States of America. I am not obliged to teach my children and grandchildren anything about India; they are welcome, though, to learn for themselves. Look folks—if we choose to identify ourselves strictly by our forefathers, then the truth remains that we are all nothing but cavemen and should therefore relish our ancestor’s past by drawing on walls and dancing by a raging midnight fire. Obviously though, our forefathers have resettled many times over in lands all across the globe. This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the cycle of life.
I tire immensely of certain Indians who demand that I forego by beliefs, religion, and culture because of some purported obligation to recognize the culture of my forefathers. To these assholes, I say, “Fuck your cow!” (j/k) Seriously, though, I am a proud American. I will not watch Hindi movies, listen to Hindi music, or even read Hindi news just because some culturally obsessed turd has the audacity to try and define who I am. I choose my own destiny; the ability to decide for myself is what makes America such a wonderful place. Don’t get me wrong. I find the Indian culture to be fascinating; I just don’t want it forced on me.
Itinerary (for anybody who’s interested)
Delhi
Bereilly
Haldwani
Kashipur
Dehradun
Quality of Life
The quality of life in India is just plain miserable. Most homes have no heat, hot water, or Internet access. As for electricity, it comes and goes randomly; you’re lucky to have it for 50% of the day, if even that much. To take a shower, you first heat up the water on a stove, pour it into a bucket, mix it with cold water, and then pour it on yourself with a ladle. It's a very annoying experience, especially considering that India is currently in winter. You have to keep scooping and pouring, unless you don't mind freezing.
Culinary Delights
Indian food, in general, consists primarily of rice, dal, potatoes, and snacks. Their definition of a hotdog is a hotdug-bun stuffed with mashed up brown potatoes and lettuce—YUCK! It sucks because I went from a 150g/day protein diet to maybe 30g/day at best; the effect on my muscles is noticable, but I'm gradually rebuilding mass. It feels great to be back on a diet of chicken, cottage cheese, protein powder, and mixed vegetables! The best snack in India, by the way, is definitely Gulab Jamun!
Traffic Infrastructure (or the lack thereof)
Besides major cities like Delhi and Mumbai, India, for the most part, lacks an official traffic infrastructure. You choose which direction to drive—although you are supposed to stay on the left side—and it is up to you to weave in and out amongst the rickshaws, motorcycles, taxis, cars, horses, goats, cows, dogs, and beggars that crowd the streets. It is amazing, however, how well the Indians manage to avoid traffic accidents; despite the unending chaos, we witnessed only one incident throughout the whole three-week trip.
Noise Galore
Horns. Horns everywhere. Every five steps forward is littered by a never-ending cacophony of beeps, bellows, and burps howling from the cars that pass by me. It feels like somebody is pulling on my eardrums with a tweezer. You get used to it after a while, but damn it feels good to be back in the quiet suburban streets of Raleigh, North Carolina! Speaking of noise, a Muslim speaker sings at the entire city through a bullhorn approximately every three hours, even throughout the night. It’s very annoying to be constantly awakened by his loud ass, but it’s part of the culture here. I never realized that Islam has such a strong presence in India.
Indian Markets
Most Indian commerce occurs in tiny Mom and Pop shops instead of a super-market. Finding a pair of shoes can take hours because you must locate a shoe store amongst the hundreds of little depots that litter the alleyways. It’s a very inefficient system that needs a total rehaul from the bottom-up. My brother, being the Portland liberal that he is (no disrespect intended), supports such commerce, but I find it to be ineffective and a total waste of resources and time. It does, however, keep everybody employed.
Jewelry
Indians have an affinity for jewelry, including rings, bracelets, and necklaces. The irony is that my single bracelet outshined every piece of jewelry that I encountered. On more than one occasion, in fact, bystanders approached me and commented on much they liked my jewelry. In general, Indians seem to prefer gold, and they apparently don't mind if it's old and rusty. Personally, I demand that my jewelry sparkle in the sunlight.
Mahatmas Gandhi
Most notable about this trip was my visit to the memorial of world-renowed role model and hero Mahatmas Gandhi. On the eve of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I want to remind readers that MLK was greatly inspired by Gandhi, particularly his belief in non-violent revolution.
Recommendations
#1. If you are a smoker planning a visit to India, then don’t waste a single rupee on Marlboros, Camels, or any other American brand of cigarettes. They are produced outside of America and therefore taste like shit. Your best bet is to purchase GoldFlake cigarettes—sold in a pack of 10 for approximately 35 rupees—from a street vendor.
#2. The best restaurant to dine at in Kashipur is the Hotel Manor. They have a brilliant Indian buffet, as well as a great continental menu. You can purchase a grilled chicken sandwich with French fries and coleslaw for only 90 rupees, which is less than 2.0 USD.
#3. Do not, under any circumstances, book a flight through Air India. The whole experience was lousy and completely under par compared to more reputable airlines like Lufthansa and American Airlines. Not only did we lose some of our luggage, but the crewmembers onboard refused to refill the toilet paper, and the food was just plain lousy.
#4. If you’re a weight-lifter or on a diet of some sort, make sure to bring along proper supplements like protein powder, Omega-3 fish oil tablets, and BOTTLED WATER.
#5. Don't give money to a street beggar; if you do, 5+ more will approach you within under 60 seconds. Trust me—I learned the hard way!
Interesting Family Members
Gyanshyam Mama
In Indian culture, a paternal Uncle is known as a ChaCha, whereas a maternal Uncle is known as a Mama. I appreciate the uniqueness of their family system, but there is no way in hell that my future American nephews and nieces will be referring to me as Mama; if anything, I’ll be known as ‘crazy Uncle ___’. Anyway. My favorite Uncle is Gyanshyam Mama. He is a former Indian powerlifting champion who used to deadlift approximately 550 pounds and bench 265 pounds. That’s not too much weight per American standards, but it’s tremendously impressive for India, especially considering that his most prolific days were back during the 70s and 80s. As well as showing me all his trophies, Gyanshyam Mama also treated me to his stash of beer and liquor for New Years. Lesson: Uncles know how to have the most fun! It didn't help, though, that my hating-ass Mom kept bitching at him to not let me drink more than 4 beers. Oh, pshhhhhh... quit hating, Lady! I drink a case of beer every weekend!
Where the G's at?
A maternal grandfather is known as Nana-G, a maternal grandmother as Nani-G, a paternal grandfather as Dada-G, and a paternal grandmother as Dadi-G. Yo—where the Gs at, son?
The Hindu Militant Midget
Although he’s not as cute as Michael Evans, my little cousin Rohit is as defensive of Hindu culture as Michael is of the black power movement. He constantly lectured me on Hindu culture and tutored me on Hindi words. Despite his obsession with India, Rohit does, however, have an intense passion for Michael Jackson; he claimed to have cried when he heard MJ passed away. This inspired me to teach him about other American artists like Lakeside, Naughty by Nature, and Earth Wind & Fire. By the time I left Haldwani, Rohit was addicted to my music. Ahhh—the pleasure that comes from having corrupted a Hindu youth!
The Anti-Indian Rocker
My cousin Mohit rejects everything about Indian culture. He instead pursues a life as a full-fledged Marilyn Manson and Godsmack loving rocker. He works for Travelocity, but spends his free time smoking on pure hash (and I mean PURE), drinking booze, and screwing his extremely sexy girlfriend. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I don’t particularly like his personality because he seems something cynical and two-faced. It'll be interesting to see how he changes as time progresses.
Mr. Sincere
My favorite cousin is Sumit. He’s a full-fledged Indian, but he possesses a golden heart full of love and spirit. He practically broke into tears during our departure. I’ll sincerely miss him and I hope that I can one day meet up with him again. Unfortunately for him, I have no intention of ever returning to India; the misery I suffered just isn’t worth it. Hopefully, he can one day find his way to the United States.
Sexy Cousins
It’s hilarious that such an ugly duckling like myself has so many sexy, beautiful cousins. Does this attraction to my female relatives make me a pervert? I sure hope not. Most disturbing of all is my cousin Ruthie, who bears a strong resemble to what my Mother looked like as a youth. My intense attraction for her is just plain sick and disgusting; I'll soon be scheduling an appointment with a therapist.
Indian Women
After this trip, I’ll now seriously consider an ‘AMERICAN Indian’ woman as a wife. The Americans I encountered on the airplane and at the airport were gorgeous, for the most part, and acted just as American as I do. They were attractive enough to put the average white woman to shame—and yes, I said it! Plus, they're really down to Earth and understand my struggle as an American Indian; and yes, I'm willing to classify myself as an AMERICAN Indian.
The Tragedy in Haiti
I’d like to extend all my love and blessings to the victims of the Haitian earthquake. If you haven’t already, please donate $5 to the Yele Haiti Foundation, founded by Wyclef Jean, by texting ‘YELE’ to 501501. Or better yet, donate $10 to the Red Cross by texting 'Haiti' to 90999. The way in which everybody is coming together to aid Haiti is truly awe-inspiring. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to bring us all together and wash away the unneeded cyncism and bitterness that oftentimes clouds our judgment.
House
This week’s episode of House had me laughing out loud over and over again. I know exactly how it feels to be continually accused of being homosexual, when in fact I am straighter than a ruler. People are so stupid that they oftentimes tend to judge sexuality by a person's personality instead of his or her romantic inclinations toward a particular gender. As I've said many times before, it’s all about what your heart desires—whether that’s a man, woman, or whatever.
BCFx
Black College Football Experience (BCFx) is a football game for the Microsoft Windows operating system and Xbox 360 gaming console that was released in September 2009. It’s a refreshing new game that depicts the culture of HBCU football—which, just for clarification, isn’t restricted one single bit to just black players. A typical HBCU is predominantly black, but still hosts a variety of different ethnicities, including Hispanics, Caucasians, and even Asians.
Many people are complaining that this game is racist. That’s absolute horse manure. HBCUs were originally created to offer black youth the opportunity to educate themselves—an opportunity which was once unavailable to them. Even after the civil rights movement passed, these Universities continued to function, but they NEVER once tried to block people of other races from joining their ranks. It just so happens that an HBCU focuses more on black culture. Never will you hear an Earth Wind and Fire or, God forbid, a 50 Cent song at a traditional predominately white University football game. At an HBCU, however, you can expect a whole slew of r&b, rap, and jazz culture.
The truth is that the entertainment industry—football included—is predominately white. Over the years, Blacks and Latinos have gradually crept up the ladder with their own television shows, television networks (BET, Telemundo), schools, and now even video games. Asians are beginning this steep climb as well; you can catch a little Ninja Warrior on B4, or partake in Hindi music on ____ (not sure, but I know it’s out there). Every single time, though, that a non-white people launch their own product or service, there’s a huge backlash by people claiming it to be racist.
Once in for all, I just want to tell these people to shut the fuck up. There's no such thing as 'reverse racism.' Either you're a racist ass or you're not. If you're quick to demonize a race for celebrating their culture, then you're a racist ass—case closed!
Running with El Gringo
I returned home to discover that my roomie has a big ol’ mutt with him. The little booger, who we shall refer to as El Gringo, is quite annoying, but she’s proving to be very beneficial to my workout regiment. She loves to walk and I love to run. I avoid running outdoors—and instead run in place indoors—because I don’t like doing it alone. With her by my side, I feel much safer. The irony is that I'm in better shape than she is; she runs out of breath and breaks down before I do.
On Harry Reid n Private Race Shit-Talking
I don't see anything remotely racist about Mr. Reid's comments. If you listen to the Michael Baisden show, which harbors a very intelligent black audience, you'll discover that most educated, professional black Americans have a zero-tolerance policy towards uneducated, illiterate rhetoric. They appreciate Obama because he casts a positive light on black culture by bringing forth the best that they have to offer.
At the same time, he still embraces some of the most questionable aspects of the culture—including rap music—because he's open-minded and realizes that everybody has something to offer. I used to speak foolishly, but I grew up and now articulate myself with class and dignity. Nevertheless, I still listen to rap music, dress in comfortable urban clothes, and have many friends still stuck on the streets. It's possible to be grown and classy, yet still affiliated with your roots.
In regards to racism, I know and realize 100% that it still exists in full effect. Just peruse through the Internet sometime and you'll see the ignorant trash that some of our more outspoken brethren like to spew. It’s ultimately irrelevant though because the close-minded morons littering society, in my naïve opinion, represent only a minority. I would hope that most of us know better.
But I admit that even I talk some shit sometimes (especially about white people, hehe), but I do it only out of anger; it passes quickly, allowing me to return to a logical and open-minded state of being. At the end of the day, I accept all people for their unique differences. When you become so absorbed in your petty anger that you start defending slavery or referring to black or other Americans as "the blacks" or "the whites", then you've obviously lost control of your marbles.
It's okay to talk a little shit in private (we all have our moment: "That fricken Indian technical support guy was so crappy I could smell his unwashed ass."), but just don't let that crap take over your mentality. Once you've succumbed to it, your hatred will stick out like a sore thumb—and people will avoid your whack ass!
On Hiphop
If you watch pornography, like violent movies, or listen to Marilyn Manson, then you are in no position to hate on hiphop. Pornography is the most shallow, misogynistic form of entertainment in the world, but everybody flocks to it like sheep.
I like hiphop–including the shallow, violent, and useless lyrics–because I find the experience fun. Watching a hiphop music video is like watching a film; for a few brief moments, I get to live the life of a rich, spoiled gangster or a womanizing player. After that, it's back to life, back to reality.
With all the violent imagery perpetuated today by heavy metal musicians, film producers, and writers like Stephen King (BARF), I find it just plain unbearable that so many people have such harsh thoughts about hiphop. Like it or not, the music genre is bigger than ever and will continue to grow and dominate WORLDWIDE. Even some Hindus on the streets of Delhi can be found vibing to the sweet beat of hiphop.
Ode to America
I wrote this 250-word sample article to apply for a pathetic side gig which I did, however, acquire, although it pays SHIT.
A toasty cheeseburger drenched in ketchup and mustard; a Marlboro Light cigarette stuffed with freshly grown American tobacco; bacteria free water that’s been properly filtered a thousand times over; and sexy women who bathe frequently. These are just a few of the quirks that go along with living in the United States of America. Although the US harbors a wide array of domestic and international problems, it still remains the greatest land on Earth. Pollution is almost non-existent, death from disease is relatively minor (at least compared to worldwide statistics), and the quality of life in America far outweighs the misery experienced worldwide.
More importantly, America provides its citizens with unfettered access to their dreams. Whereas other countries impede progress with unwanted rules and regulations—such as limits on free speech and regulations on proper behavior—the United States allows the individual to pursue almost any lifestyle that he or she desires. Only in America can a middle-aged Chinese man pursue a career as a sexy stripper with a big butt and thighs high to the sky—assuming he can afford the surgery, of course. And although the morality and ethics of such unhindered freedom is indeed questionable, nobody can deny that a free man or woman is typically happier than one trapped by the maxims of a restrictive regime.
It is therefore my stipulation that the United States of America is the greatest country on Earth. Let freedom reign and the voices of tyrants fade away like a whiff of bad breath.
God Bless America!
pEaCe
PS - As of January 17th, I'll officially be off vacation. :'(... this suckssssssss, man!
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