I haven’t had enough time to sit down and really think this week because, once again, I've been extremely busy just trying to maintain. America is in a recession and times are tough! And so since I’m kind of desperate for meaningful comment and in a hurry to produce something quickly, don’t be surprised if I pull stuff out my ass tonight.
Is It Really Racist?
Is it truly racist for an organization to exclude certain people based on race? What about gender, age, and income? I’m not certain how valid this is, but I assume that the Boy Scouts of America is exclusive to only young boys—and vice versa for the Girl Scouts. In addition, country clubs, sports teams, and even the government (a person must be at least 35 to be President or Vice President, 30 to be a Senator, or 25 to be a Representative) all base their membership on certain qualifications, including age, gender, and income. So why can’t an organization exclude members based on race as well?... I’m still working on an answer to this question.
CNN Story Comments
CNN gets blown up with some of the dumbest comments ever written. For the sake of my sanity, I’m going to quickly rebut the most common and most annoying top 3 comments of all time:
#1. Learn to write correctly!
A news writer must constantly produce compelling stories that not only clearly relay relevant information, but also catch and hold onto the reader’s short attention span as well. Considering how many articles the average writer must handle within a day, it’s no surprise that occasional punctuation and grammar errors pop up. And editors, despite their diligent training, must process stacks of news story articles per day—so it’s likely that they might accidentally skip over an error or two now and again.
My point is that perfection just isn’t possible, at least not in regards to writing news stories. The news industry is extremely fast-paced and so the process of conveying news must be extremely efficient, which means that articles need to be written fast enough to keep up with the constant influx of incoming news. This leaves very little time for perfectionist-like proofreading. So unless you’ve worked in the field of writing, check your attitude at the door!
FYI—I don’t write news articles. My articles on WAN are kind of a combination between a news story and a feature article. A news story typically focuses on the five Ws: Who, What, When, Where, Why. In fact, the answers to all five questions should always be readily available within the first two paragraphs. With a feature story, you have the freedom to space things out and add a lit bit of commentary/opinion.
#2. This story isn’t news!
Every single action or event constitutes news. I just scratched my hairy butt; that’s news! According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, in fact, news is defined as “a report of recent events” or “previously unknown information.” Did you know that my left scrotal sack droops slightly more than my right scrotal sack? Yes—that’s news!
There are different categories of news, including Headline News, Entertainment News, Sports News, and even Weird Asian News. Even a piece of headline news doesn't necessarily have to be relevant to you; it need only be sensational in some way, shape, or form. So quit complaining about relevancy and go locate a story that is actually important to you.
#3. The title is misleading!
Writers use misleading headlines to draw the audience’s attention. However, just because the title is misleading does not make it incorrect. The key to creating such a headline is to utilize what’s known as a double entendre, wherein a spoken phase can be read in two separate ways. For instance, consider this headline: Prostitutes appeal to Pope. Does the Pope like the prostitutes, or are they appealing to him and atoning for their sins? That question in itself is plenty enough to draw in a curious and probably confused reader.
Random Pointless Question
Why does the guy on Reno 911 wear a pink bandana? Is he gay, and if so, why doesn’t he wear matching pink shorts and shoes?
Are You a Slave or Master of Your Life?<
Are you a slave to some predetermined destiny, or do you proudly commandeer the reins of your existence? If you answered yes to the former, then may I ask why you feel as if you’re trapped? What conditions supposedly bar you from achieving your dreams? You know, there are two ways you can approach life. The first method is to presume destiny and wait for fate to drive you toward that which you seek. The alternative requires that you take full responsibility for your gains and losses, which means putting forth the extra effort needed to push your own self—without fate’s assistance—straight up the stairs of success.
Do You Tiptoe Through Life
Some people tiptoe through life because they’re afraid of offending or hurting others. If somebody approaches you and complains about your activity, then certainly do apologize, but don’t allow them to change who you are. What I loathe more than anything is having my freedom restricted by people scared of the truth. To act a role is fake, and 'fakeness,’ in my opinion, is the opposite of truth.
During my trip to India, my brother oftentimes bemoaned my behavior, claiming that I was being disrespectful to those around me. The irony is that nobody else was complaining, including my uncles, cousins, and other relatives. He basically wanted me to sugarcoat my behavior so that it would better appeal to others—although it seemed like he wanted me to curb my behavior to better appeal to him. I absolutely refused to do that because that's akin to acting a role, which is fake.
The last thing I wanted was my family to perceive me in a false light. I desired that they know me for who I am—for better or worse. By the way, I don’t mean to put my brother on blast, but I got to be real!
Bankruptcy
I officially filed for bankruptcy this week. All was well, except for one slightly annoying occurrence. During the official hearing, the trustee (named SkinnyMan or something like that) burst out loudly with, I paraphrase, “You own practically nothing! Are you a Buddhist or something?” Luckily for him, I was adorned in my professional garb; otherwise, I would have jumped across the table and smacked him (j/k).
The truth is that I own plenty of valuables; it’s just that they’re not worth that much. All I really need to be happy is a fast computer with RoadRunner Internet access, an analog television set with a digital cable box and Movies-on-Demand, a bunch of protein-rich food, and a bevy of cheaply purchased fitness equipment.
Fame Without Fortune
I regret sharing my WAN links because local residents are starting to recognize me on the streets. This would be quite dandy if it weren’t for the fact that I just filed for bankruptcy! I’m famous but have no money, which basically makes me Kevin Federline.
Tattoos
I’m very interested in getting a tattoo, but I’m worried that my foolishness will drive me to choose something stupid like ‘Kid Dynomite’ or, even worse, ‘Unofficial Black Man.’
Traveling
I feel so sophisticated from having traveled to India that I just want to just smoke a cigar and make love to an Italian woman with a Russian accent.
Damn Dogs
Sighs. El Gringo’s list of party fouls keeps growing exponentially. Let’s review the most recent ones:
#1. Going ‘baffwoom’ on other people’s lawns. Speaking of which, I apologize to my neighbors for taking so long to clean it up. I prefer to allow the doo-doo to dry up and marinate in the soil because trying to scoop it up while it’s fresh and moist is quite nauseating.
#2. Taking too much bed-space. Just like a woman, this Lady dog likes to take up all the space on my bed. I’m so tired of being forced by women—or their canine counterparts—to make love to the wall! It’s MY bed, you bitch! (She’s a female dog and so my use of the word bitch is NOT INAPPROPRIATE in this instance.)
#3. Bringing the ball back only 75% of the way during a game of fetch. What the hell is your major malfunction, you bitch? (I’m enjoying this bitch thing wayyyy too much!) I wonder, at times, if she does this on purpose to hint that my throw sucked—which is certainly possible since I throw like a girl—or to make me work as hard as her. Conniving little mutt!
#4. Farting in my room. I feed you tiny bits of ham, chicken, and beef, and you return the favor by stinking up my room? No more food for you! NEXTTTTTTTTTT!
#5. Barking at my dark-black upstairs roommate while he was climbing the very dimly lit stairs. Racist ass motherfucker…
Don’t Touch Me
Howie Mandel made a quick appearance on the Jay Leno Show tonight to discuss his recently released book, ‘Don’t Touch Me’ which details his life as an extremely obsessive compulsive maniac. No matter where he goes and what he does, his extreme OCD interferes with his ability to function as a normal adult male. I’m very excited to read his book—as soon as my bankrupt ass can afford it, of course—because I understand his struggle to a tea. (or is it tee?) I hope one day in the faraway future to follow in his path by writing a book that depicts my struggle with Asperger's Syndrome and Social Anxiety Disorder. Much love and respect to you, Mr. Mandel. Oh, by the way, want to loan a brotha some money so he can quit his day-job and write that darn book? (wink wink) J/K
I want to go now an actually ENJOY MY WEEKEND! It’s 2:30am and I have yet to hit the chatrooms. pEaCe!
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