Friday, February 26th, 2010 | Working Day & Night (MJ)

Good Evening! I could rant and rave about healthcare, racism, and politics, but all week long I’ve been making comments throughout the web on these very issues. Not today! This Friday isn’t just Feel Good Friday to me; it’s HEDONISM FRIDAY – PART 1! I merely jest. To be frank, I’m just not in the mood to think critically. It’s extremely challenging and puts me in a ‘hero complex’ where I go overboard in an attempt to make a meaningful statement and garner worldwide respect. Yes, I’m a megalomaniac with Asperger’s Syndrome and a penchant for cucumber and egg salad. But life is too short and my capability of affecting changes too little for me to care, especially on a Friday!

So today I present my first-ever comedic column, followed by a few usual sub-par sub-columns. Enjoy. And remember, this is my FIRST ONE. They will get better in due time. Also, I was inspired to cover this topic while watching a penis-enlargement commercial on television. It’s a great chance for me to tap all the way into my inner silliness. I hope to produce more comedic, as well as MEANINGFUL, columns in the future. In fact, my next column topic may just be about tea party members! We shall see!

Drumroll please……………



All-Beef Anonymous (AA) – My Struggle with Shrinkage

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must admit the inevitable: his penis is rapidly losing mass. I refer it to as The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp, but most men just call it shrinkage. It’s a part of life that just can’t be avoided—like those pesky Jehovah Witnesseses that refuse to stop ringing the bell, even when the lights are off, the blinds are closed, and you’re carefully positioned behind the couch, with your right hand gripped tightly over your dog’s salivating mouth, and your left hand gripped tightly over your wife’s throbbing… well, never mind.

Shrinkage usually strikes somewhere between the age of 25 and 55, but the Guinness Book of World Records speaks of a young Chinese boy whose wang (no pun intended) finished developing when he turned 13, only to immediately begin shrinking afterwards, causing it to cave in upon itself by the time he hit 18. After having failed miserably with women, he turned gay and now lives his life as a pre-op transsexual named Shiho Tai Kin Wong Hol.

Even Abraham Lincoln succumbed to shrinkage. In 1861, the year in which he took office, Lincoln’s johnson began to shrink, prompting him to compensate by purchasing his notorious, super-sized tall-hat, in the hope that it would fool interested women. It worked up until his first presidential consummation, at which point, according to long-deceased White House eyewitness Mr. Henry Todd, “The mistress bolted out his room, wildly flailing her arms and yelling about a massive conspiracy regarding the President’s tiny presidential ‘member.’” He assumed she was speaking about the midget in Lincoln’s room—he apparently had a secret fetish for having sex in front of a midget—but historians are 99.9% certain she was referring to Lincoln’s baby penis.

Sadly, Ladies and Gentleman, I myself have now come face to face with shrinkage. Despite all my attempts to prevent this calamity from occurring—penis pumps; hangin from a pullup bar with my penis; and even tying my penis to a doorknob and having my Mom slam the door shut—my penis continues to shrink. It started out at 6”, standing tall and erect like a soldier in salute. But now it droops at 4-1/2” like an old man with a cane, peeking out its helmet at the world shrinking around it, even though it itself is the only one shrinking.

What am I to do? What are we as non-black men with medium-sized shrinking penises to do? The answer is simple: penile enlargement surgery. Yes, gentlemen, we must wipe the fear off our brows, step up to the plate, lay our pee-pees on it, and let the surgeon drill, pry, cook, marinate, batter, spatter, lift, and inseminate them back to life. Only he—female surgeons specialize in circumcision surgery (no surprise there!)—has the power to turn our tiny pricks into long and sturdy rods that would make even Buffy the Body’s brother Puffy the Penis proud! It won’t be easy. In fact, it will likely be more painful than letting a morbidly obese woman ride us, but at least it’ll be better than being ridiculed at the locker room or, even worse, being forced to lick our wives’ unkempt, hairy crotches. “In my wife’s jungle, her mighty jungle, a cockroach lays an egg tonightttttt.”

However, how can we possibly afford such surgery, especially during such tumultuous times? After much thought, I have devised a plan guaranteed to work: we will each host a local circus freak show dedicated to our dwarfish stumps. I mean really, who wouldn’t pay to see such a bizarre deformity. It would be a fun and perhaps even educational experience that a whole family could participate in. Imagine little Tiger Woods Jr. asking Tiger, “Why won’t it grow, Daddy? WHY!?” *wipes a tear from eyes* Plus putting on a show would not only provide us with enough money for the surgery, it’d also allow us to stuff our pants in the meantime.

There you have it, fellas. Our dignity has been reduced to the size of our thumbnail peters, our draws are lined with hard-earned booty—I don’t mean our tight asses—and we have no other reason to live other than to confuse little children who only want to know why. It’s time now to rush to the Doctor’s office and make an appointment. Are you ready? I SURE AM! See ya’ll at the Tally Wacker Packer Institute! Be sure to tell Dr. Eugune Nuts that I said hi!

— Hope you enjoyed the last five minutes of total mediocrity! —

US-Mexico Border Fence

Some people have suggested that we build a fence across the US-Mexico border in order to prevent illegal aliens from streaming into our country. Is this really such a good idea? It would be an extremely expensive project. Just think about it. If it were to work, the fence would have to cover the ENTIRE border. If even just a millimeter were left uncovered, they WOULD find a way in. These illegals are a lot more cunning than we realize!

Not only that, but the fence would have to be at least 20m deep. Otherwise, they would just dig underneath it and pop out the other side like a groundhog. And it would have to be at least 20m high. Else they’ll just jump it.

I can just see it now: Ladies and Gentlemen, here comes Jose with his pole tightly gripped in-between his tiny brown fingers! Will he make it? Uh oh… here comes the jump! And OH MY GOD, he did it! Jose has pole-vaulted his way to freedom! I tell you guys, that has got to be the best pole vault jump by an illegal immigrant since Palestinian M'Balz Es-Hari [SNL] jumped the Israeli Security Fence in Jerusalem back in early 2010.

Busing Policy

This is a tough issue. On one hand, why should my kids (I don't actually have kids) have to bus to another school when there's already a school right down the road from us!? On the other hand, I'd quite prefer that my little Ghandi and my little Kasturba interact with more kids than just Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy. Here’s my solution: instead of bussing children from upper socioeconomic backgrounds (USB) out of their neighborhoods—which apparently harbor higher-quality schools with better teachers—how about we bus the children from lower socioeconomic backgrounds (LSB) to the USB schools? This way the USB parents can still send their kids to school down the street, but the LSB children are granted an opportunity at better-quality education. Of course, then we have crowded USB schools, and unused LSB schools. But hey, what do I know!?

LEGALIZE MARIJUANA

Do you have any idea what I go through to get hold of some of that good wacky tobacky? I dream of the day I can purchase a box of pre-rolled joints or blunts from the gas station. I’m so tired of purchasing weed off the streets. The quality isn’t always the best; there’s a chance it might be laced with another drug; and it’s hard as hell to find a reliable connect that can procure that sticky icky in a moment’s notice. LEGALIZE IT ALREADY! By the way, if Cali legalizes weed in November, I’m moving to LA! Here I come, Hollywood!

Gay Prom

People commenting on the ‘gay prom’ situation are comparing gay love to necrophilia and bestiality. Whether or not being gay is a choice is irrelevant. The bottom line is that two gay people who have sex mutually agree to their crotch-to-crotch (scissor) or winky-to-booty (anal) love. Necrophilia isn't the same because a dead body cannot consent; neither can a dog. Believe me when I say a dog's "arf arf arf (tail wag, tail wag, tail wag) is not akin to a fricken, "Yes!"

Identity Crisis

Sighs. Some men think they are women, some women think they are men, and now my dog thinks she’s a fricken cow. Even after eating a big ol’ bowl of Beneful, she MUST have her grass.



Anyway. Thanks for tuning in. I haven’t yet confirmed a topic for my next column, but I may try writing a satirical letter from a Tea Party member’s perspective. I don’t know yet, though!

The type of racism that I can't stand...

Protesters hurl slurs and spit at Democrats

This is the type of racism that irritates the bloody hell out of me. It's uncalled for and absolutely appalling. I hope to God that most Tea Party members have more common sense and decency than this! I disagree with ya'll, but I'd like to at least be able to respect ya'll! The Walmart incident doesn't bother me because it was likely some stupid kid acting like an ass, but this shit... this shit is some real hatred and racism. Spit? 4 real, thoughl? SPIT? Not to mention the N word and the F word. That's beyond redemption to me.

This shit makes me want to act racist my own self, but I'm doing everything in my power to hold back the insanity. The worst thing any of us can do is allow the anger to boil inside us, because it'll only cause a stew of hatred to come pouring out the lid! Take that anger, roll it up like some dough, and then let the dog eat it. We MUST stay civil and on-point if you want to solve our problems!

Let the ignorant play with the fire that is hatred; they'll eventually accidentally burn themselves with their stupidity. Speaking of which, anybody have a match!? I'd like to speed up the process ;-).

Sighs. Such ignorance man. There's nothing in this world quite as ignorant as hatred. Love thy enemies. You may want to smack your enemy upside the head; you may want to stomp the enemy's dog that keeps pooping in your yard; and you may even want to screw the enemy's hot wife. But don't do it because it's not worth it. It takes the better man, in my opinion, to say, "I can't stand your bitch-ass, but damnit... I love you, motherfucker!"

That's real. pEaCe n 1

Friday, February 19th, 2010 | Fragile (Chrisette Michele)

GREAT SONG. The song that's really on my mind is 'Wasted' by Gucci Mane. Sorry, but I like to drink, folks! (finger snap in double H, triple O, quadruple E formation!) -- that's funny to me!

I have a really great Dave-Barry-esque column about penis enlargement surgery ready for publication, but I'd rather wait one more week before I post it. This will allow me to edit, wait a few days, edit again, and repeat. The worst thing you can ever do is rush the writing process, because it'll only result in sloppy workmanship. Quality writing takes a lot of time. You'd be surprised at how many new ideas suddenly pop into my head after I've had enough time to digest everything. In the meantime, here are a few quick and to-the-point, albeit a tad sub-par, sub-columns to keep you entertained. Enjoy and have a GREAT WEEKEND!

The Walmart Incident

I don’t care either way. I’m not angry enough to bemoan over all the ‘ignorant crackers’, nor am I irritated enough to grumble about all the ‘whiny black people’. I just don’t care because it’s irrelevant to me. I tell you, though, if ever while I’m at Walmart someone yells, "All autistic retards, leave the store now," through the PA system, umma get to SLICING and DICING! In the words of Charlie Murphy, "They would have a gunfight after that; somebody had to go!" There's just some shit I won't tolerate. As for everything else, I could careless.

Male Dog vs. Female Dog

In another month or two, the dog I’m currently caring for will be leaving for good. She has to return to her family and move on with her life. In the meantime, I’m contemplating whether to adopt a male or female dog. I’ve heard that male dogs are far friendlier, but the problem is that they have a penis. I don’t mind doggy vagina because unless I make a concerted effort to look for it, I’m not going to see it. However, it’s quite difficult to ignore a pair of balls and a penis hanging off a male dog’s butt. I mean, what if I’m petting him and he becomes so excited that he accidentally ejaculates all over me? I’ll be covered dog semen and, even worse, I won’t even be able to charge him for the service provided. On the other hand, I won’t have to deal with constant attitude of a female dog. It’s a tough decision, folks!



(She's eating dog penis.... sick bitch! I know that's really culturally insensitive, but after spending an hour looking for a funny picture, that's all I could come up with!)

Bisexuals

You can’t have both the cocky rooster and the hairy cat! Choose your meat of preference, damnit! Speaking of which, I’m getting sick and tired of Stewie Griffin switching sides. One week he’s a gay man into men, the next week he’s a straight man into women, and this week he’s a transvestite into little girls. Come on, MAN! Make up your mind!

Typecast by Name

I’m irritated. Today I received an invitation from Time Warner Cable to sign up for a bunch of Hindi channels at a discount rate. What in the bloody hell is this all about? Could it perhaps be because of my NAME? So if my name was Darnell, would they offer me a discount on BET, BET Gospel, BET Hip-Hop, and BETJ? Or if my name was Billy Bob, would they offer me a discount on Comedy Central, CNN, and ESPN (I honestly can’t think of any stereotypically white channels, so I’m pulling these out my ass)? I find it offensive that Time Warner Cable automatically presumed just because I have an Indian name, I would want to watch a bunch of Indian movies! That's just RUDE and INAPPROPRIATE!

PS (Mentoring) - I've decided to wait until Michael Baisden comes to town. I'm going to attend his One Million Mentors event and sign up for REAL MENTORING. After searching endlessly for legitimate adult-to-youth e-mentoring services, I've given up. They are all professional-to-professional e-mentoring services, which is not the type of mentoring that I'm interested in providing.

PS #2 - I realize this blog is really stupid, which is why I'm not even sure if I'm willing to publish it on my official blog. I would have just kept my mouth shut, but I'm a cyber attention whore (sue me), so I can't help it! Anyway. I hope to return next week with an OFFICIAL BLOG, courtesy of the brilliant Dave Barry. For right now, I'm given up on trying to be like Roland Martin because I lack the education and intelligence to compete with that level of brilliance! There is a slight chance I may enroll in UNC's Journalism program -- the option is very much available, but I don't know if it's wise, especially considering my extreme social inaptitude (can an unsocial ass excel in a world based on networking!?) -- , but until then, I'm pursuing the route of comedic writing, which is something that I know I could excel at, although it does nothing at all to help the world. But fuck it... it's not like I'm Jesus. I may be as thin and sexy as him, but ultimately... I'm not him! And despite my many extremely gay jokes tonight, NO, I am not gay, either!

Friday, February 12th, 2010 | The God In Me (Mary Mary)

It’s FEEL GOOD FRIDAYYYYYYY, baby!

I’m sleeping much better with melatonin, so let’s get this started!

First of all, I started this blog at 3:15pm Friday afternoon. It’s going to be very casual and unedited. No research; no playing with the thesaurus (Aspies LOVE big words); and no over-intellectualizing. I’m keeping this as spontaneous and to the point as possible.

I’ve been quite moody and cynical lately. Reading online comments sometimes makes me want to stab someone. The ignorance and stupidity I encounter is beyond redemption. I’ve almost given up on writing about issues of relevance like politics, religion, and society. There’s no point; most people seem to have no got dayum sense. However, I try to remember all the warm-hearted and intelligent people I’ve met in my life. They’re my only inspiration to keep forging ahead. Not everybody is crooked and retarded, but I forget that sometimes.

Plus I’m suffering from a bout of writer’s block. I’m going to try and overcome it tonight, though! My motivation to write for NOTHING is quickly dimming—but it’s not completely gone yet!

Anyway. I’ve started studying the ingenious writings of Dave Barry. I think I have what it takes to emulate his style, in the hope of discovering my own style (obviously). I’ll let ya’ll know more about this mission later. Reading his columns is definitely helping me with my story, now officially renamed to ‘Me and the Turd and I.’ Speaking of which, here are the first three paragraphs (first draft prologue):

-
Evil lies amongst us in many forms, but none so heinous as the turd. Although its true origin remains unconfirmed, a laid-off Buddhist monk I met at Mardi Gras (no wonder he was fired) claims it was man himself who first brought this gelatinous non-alcoholic brown pudding into our world.

He said that after Adam ate the apple, a peach, and a multi-vitamin pill—why the multi-vitamin if you eat fruit!?—he proceeded to stitch together the first-ever pussycat from Eve’s leftover vaginal clippings and his own foreskin. Apparently, Adam was a Jew.

Regardless, the newly created cat quickly grew bored of gnawing at his crunchy nuts—squirrels didn’t yet exist—and so decided to artificially manufacture his own pet for amusement. The dog, as he named it, was dumb as a brick and easy to manipulate. But the cat wasn’t prepared for what the dog would unleash; two days after the dog was put together, the first-ever turd slithered like a snake into the world—popping its head out the mutt’s butt and unleashing with it a stench like no other.
-

I’m not gross (I’m very hygienic and health oriented), and I act with the utmost class like Frasier Crane, but yes, my sense of humor, or at least my attempt at humor, is somewhat grotesque—not to mention puerile. I don’t give a shit, though. If you don’t like it, kiss my turd-laced butt-cheeks.

The Hard-Knock Doggy Life

Dealing with dogs is far more difficult than I had initially expected it to be. I used to shower her with constant love and affection, but I now recognize the error of my ways. She has become too dependent on me. I can’t even go on a 30-minute jog without her whining loudly at the front door for the entire duration. So I tried bringing her along, but she just can’t keep up with my pace, leading me to become extremely upset and tug harshly at her leash in anger—which, admittedly, is 1-step away from animal cruelty. I’ve realized that she just has to learn how to hangout without me. It sucks, but that’s the hard-knock doggy life!

I tell you, though; learning to love a female dog is like learning to love a woman. You must be very patient and able to endure ridiculous amounts of attitude. She spent an entire day and a half not bringing the ball back during fetch because she was upset with me. I finally gave in and started fetching the ball—she’d run to it, but not bring it back—and throwing it. Finally after 10 minutes, she was so happy that I’d finally given up, she started fetching the ball herself again. Just like a fricken woman, man!



Transgendered People

I’m all for transgendered people, so long as they reveal upfront that they were born a male or female. No offense, but I’m looking for the oochie wallie wallie, not an artificial pocket pussy. Other than that, I’m all down for Susan formerly known as Sam, Billy formerly known as Bertha, and Wanita formerly known as Tyrone. If you don’t like it, then tough. They have rights too. As far as I’m concerned, they can get married, have kids, raise families, and even be my friend. But they CANNOT touch my weenie!

Mo’Nique

I’m so very proud of Mo’Nique for earning an Oscar this week. God Bless her and all the African-American men and women who came before her.

Gabourey Sidibe & Howard Stern

Fuck Howard Stern.

Women's Empowerment 2010

Women, women, women. Half of you make me want to bust a nut, whereas the other half make me want to cut off my nuts. Either way, I love all of you, especially my Mamma! In celebration of Women’s Empowerment, I’m going to watch The Stoning of Soraya M. this weekend. French-Iranian journalist Freidoune Sahebjam wrote the story, but it’s based on true events.



Religion vs. Spirituality

I started this last week and it’s overly intellectual. What can I say? I’m an anal retentive intellectual. Just letting you know.

My good friend Dedtria posted a fascinating question on her facebook page this week:

“If you claim to be a Christian or just merely a child of God, are you then too a representative of that which you claim? If so why do so many people who claim the name of God misrepresent him so by doing and living a life so contrary to what God represents. It's like disgracing our parents, we know better but we choose to do the opposite.”

I feel that people oftentimes assume attending church will cure them of their sins. They feel that their belief in Jesus functions as a board-eraser, if you will, in that automatically cleans their slate every time they pray to him. I find this disturbing because it seems to me as if these sort of Christians are using their religion as an excuse for bad behavior: “I may be a hoe-beatin’ Pimp, but at least I’m in touch with the Lawd!”

Religion, in my opinion, is a medium by which we can experience God. It itself is not the solution, though, as finding God comes from within. If your heart is wicked, then no church, holy water, or scripture is going to magically transform your spirit. It all boils down to a distinction between spirituality and religion. Religion is the medium, while spirituality is the end result.

What does it mean to be spiritual, though? For me personally, spiritually is tied in with repentance and forgiveness. We all occasionally sin and break a rule or two; that’s life. I didn’t mean to scowl at the Lady in the grocery store, but I was having a bad day. Afterward, however, I sincerely felt remorseful and so therefore pleaded to God to not only forgive me, but also bless the Lady with a wonderful day. How many people care enough to do that?

You see, religion can help us become more spiritual by providing us with God’s purported wisdom. I’m not religious, but I know plenty of people who benefit greatly from the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, or the Bagvadhgita. But as I said earlier, it’s about more than just reading from a book and visiting a church or temple. It all comes from within! If you ain’t right on the in-side, then you ain’t right on any-side.



Teacher/Student Sex

Many scumbags are acting as if it’s okay for a female teacher to sleep with a young, adolescent male student. Can we please enact a law that makes stupidity a crime!? PLEASE!? If a young girl gets a crush on her 33-year-old male teacher and then sleeps with him, do her emotions make her responsible for what occurred? If you said yes, then shoot yourself. Or better yet, have a boxing match with fictional character Elliott Stabler.

Individual Responsibility versus National Leadership

An individual on Reverend Al Sharpton’s facebook page asked, “Why do we need leaders? Shouldn’t we all take responsibility for our own actions?”

I agree that individual responsibility is vital to improving our communities. However, when it comes to nationwide issues, it’s imperative that we also have authority figures looking over our backs. It’s through them—as they are the medium—by which our ideas can more quickly spread and affect others. Mind you change is a ridiculously slow process; but with a few select leaders promoting our needs, we stand a better chance of affecting genuine change. Plus most of us lack the clout necessary to draw in an audience larger than our own friends and family.

Stereotypes

Have you ever asked a random Chinese stranger for directions to the nearest Chinese restaurant? If you’re a fan of Seinfeld like me, then you know better! Although it may seem innocent enough, you run the risk of offending the poor chap or chapstress: “Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know where all the Chinese restaurants are? Oh, ask honorable Chinaman for location of restaurant!”

Why, though, do people become so enraged when we make an assumption about them based on stereotypes? Isn’t it almost fact, for instance, that all black people like fried chicken? In all honesty, I’ve never once met a black man or woman who didn’t like some good old-fashioned fried chicken with greens, okra, and a slab of mashed potatoes. By the same token, I’ve never met a white person who couldn’t provide me with a dictionary definition of some unidentified freaky food (UFO) known to them simply as spam.

Seriously though, stereotypes can, in my opinion, serve as a positive tool by enabling us to paint a preconceived picture of what to expect. If I’m preparing dinner for a random batch of Korean strangers, I’m going to include a whole lot of vegetables. Or if I’m trying to attract liberals to my business, I might try promoting green products. Either way, I’m using assumptions to temporarily to fill in the blanks. Koreans don’t necessarily love vegetables and liberals aren’t necessarily “eco nit-wits,” but until I can gather further information, it’s all I have to go with.

A problem arises, however, when stereotypes are used improperly. If you’re an airline stewardess about to serve dinner, you don’t ask a black patron, “Would you like the chicken dinner?” (Chappelle) Instead you ask, “What would you like for dinner?” The point is that if you’re given the opportunity to fill in the blanks with actual data, it’s much wiser to take advantage of it than use a stereotypical assumption. Unfortunately, too often people (myself included) rely on the improper usage of stereotypes to fill in the blanks.

The reason I brought up stereotypes is because some members of the black community feel that the movie Precious should not be celebrated because it perpetuates negative black stereotypes. I entirely disagree. Precious and her mother may be stereotypical in that real-life people just like them can be found in ghettos all across America, but how is sharing their story bad? Knowledge is power, folks! If we can better understand their situation, then we can better help them!

By the way, the stereotype about reeking Indians is somewhat true. I didn’t discover deodorant until 7th grade. I would spray myself with ridiculous portions of liquid deodorant, causing the other students to steer clear of me. It wasn’t until college that I not only learned how to use deodorant correctly, but I also realized that my body works best with gel deodorant.

That’s it. May not be another 2 to 3 weeks before I’m back. I can’t keep up with a blog-a-week schedule.

Peace

PS…. And nooooo…. I didn’t sign up yet for e-mentoring. Okay okay OKAY. I’ll do it right after I post this!

Friday, March 5th, 2010

Good Evening. There will be no official blog this week because I’m ultra-tired (too much Unisom --> switching to Melatonin soon) and also deep in thought over which direction to pursue in regard to my future career. I care deeply about social issues such as racial discrimination and injustice; however, is my passion strong enough to merit seeking a degree in sociology?

At the same time, I possess a proven talent for writing, but I’m lacking in professional experience. Would it be advantageous to abandon my carefree, freelance lifestyle in favor of a full-time position at either a local or online news agency? And if I do pursue this option, will it lead me to true happiness—or only inhibit me from tapping into my true potential? Questions questions questions….(never stop asking them!)

Anyway. I’m about to take the entire weekend off and just relax. Expect something spectacular next week. pEaCe