Anyway.
Hello, world! You know, for the past few weeks I’ve been slacking off so much that I haven’t really appreciated my weekends. That’s certainly not the case this time, though. An incredibly long and hard week of work has got me ready beyond belief for this FEEL GOOD FRIDAY! So let’s get it on!
The Atomic Dog
As you can tell, this post will be mainly about my dog.
First off, I was serious last week when I said that I beat her twice. Don’t worry though because this week has been a lot better off for the both of us. I still get incredibly angry with her, but I maintain restraint and show compassion instead. Would you like to know why? Because I had a revelation—my dog is a complete dumbass. Before you cast judgment, let me explain.
I bought a 20’ lead so that my dog can wander about when she wants to go outside but I’m too busy working. When I go to fetch her, 9 out of 10 times I discover that she’s wrapped her dumbass around the wooden plank to which the lead is attached. The first time it happened, I burst out laughing and exclaimed, “You big dummy!” Then I helped her retrace her steps.
After it occurred a few more times, it dawned on me that she’s incapable of solving this puzzle on her own. That she can’t figure out such an easy riddle truly flabbergasted me. I mean, how stupid can she be, right? It saddened me that she was so dumb, but it also made me angry on the basis that stupidity is not an excuse.
But then it hit me like a lightening bolt. How did I feel in the past when people looked down at me or were harsh with me merely because I was incapable of doing that which they expected from me? Let’s take a quick trip back to my days in elementary school.
I was a very shy boy during my younger years. It wasn’t until I was afforded medication in 7th grade that I began to become a ‘social butterfly’—though my definition of one is far different than yours, I imagine. Regardless, I was incapable of speaking or acting properly.
Once, during recess, I was standing idly by watching the girls play kickball. Suddenly the ball landed a few steps away from me. All eyes turned to me. A sweet looking beauty took a few steps toward me and gently asked, “Would you get it and throw it back to me?” I looked her right in the eye and begged my body to complete the movements required of me. It was so simple. All I had to do was bend over, pick up the ball and toss it back. How hard could that possibly be?
Yet no matter how much I yelled and screamed at my brain, it refused to follow my instructions. I stood there paralyzed, my insides turning inside out in frustration. The young girl asked again, urging me on with her hands and a smile that still remains planted in my brain. But still... I could do nothing. I knew how to do it, but I just couldn’t. I was gripped by an anxiety... a fear like no other.
Finally she lost patience. Shaking her head in dismay, the young damsel strolled toward me, picked up the ball, stared me dead in the eye and then walked away—but not without first sighing louder than a passing-by airplane. I tell you folks, my heart bled that day, and it’s been bleeding ever since.
Yah okay...okay... sorry for all the lame theatrics, but it’s important you understand. The point is that just like I was incapable of picking up the ball and tossing it (which seems like such a simple task), the dog is incapable of solving what appears to be such a simple puzzle. So instead of being an uptight prick, I’ve chosen to start being a compassionate and even empathetic friend instead. Because you know what... that’s what friends are for!
Other than that, I’m trying to teach her tricks, but to no avail. The irony is that she’s a lot more obedient indoors than she is outdoors. She’ll gladly sit down when we’re in the house, but she’ll take her got-dayum fragernackle time doing it when we’re walking. Whenever she starts acting up during a walk, I stop—if I have enough time to spare—and ask her to sit down. 30 to 90 seconds later, we continue on our journey.
It’s a pain in the ass though because she literally has a mind of her own. She’s constantly trying to go off course to indulge her curiosity. Truthfully, walking with her is NOT a fun experience. Jogging isn’t bad because she gets so absorbed in trying to keep up with me that she isn’t afforded time to think. With walking, however, she’s faster than me—which is a problem because a dog is supposed to FOLLOW behind you, lest she assume herself to be the alpha. And believe me when I say this heffer thinks she’s the H.B.I.C. Pshhh… I’m the H.B.I.C. Well wait, CORRECTION… I’m the H.D.I.C.!! Anyway. I’m working on fixing this behavior, but it’s not easy!
It’s all a tediously slow process, but she’s slowing learning how to behave correctly. When I’m at my wits end, I look her dead in the eye and say, “You’re a dumbass, but I forgive you.” It may sound demented, but hey… I AM DEMENTED! By the way, if you expect me to forgive her for her stupidity, then you sure as hell better be ready to forgive me for my dementability! AND YOU KNOW THAT’S RIGHT!
Anyway. My dog may be a dumbass, but at least she ain’t this dumb...
And oh yeah... she really could use a bath, which means I need to buy a hose that I can attach to the outdoor spigot. Because there’s no way in hell she’s using my tub! The tub is only for me… and any woman or group of women willing to sleep with me! I SAID IT, I SURE AS HECK DID!
By the way, she had a WONDERFUL FEEL GOOD FRIDAY! I’m talking 5 intense rounds of fetch, a short jog, a slice of pizza and a tiny bit of some good ol’ American beer! She’s living it up! She gets upset during the weekdays, however, because all I have time for is one or two short sessions of fetch and a late-night jog. I’m hoping to soon purchase a Kong toy that I can stuff with food. That way I can turn every meal into an exciting mental/physical activity that’ll wear her out.
I can’t afford it right now, though. My primary concern at the moment is to keep her fed, physically/mentally exercised, and on flea, tick and heartworm treatment. Everything else is secondary. My parents seem to feel otherwise, however, which is why they keep sending her toys and now even a fricken pet bed, roflol. This heffer gon’ be SOOOO SPOILED! Lawd have mercy!
Anyway. She’s a happy dog and she’s gon’ stay a happy dog. And this is a great experience for me because it’s teaching me patience AND how to deal with entities (animals, humans, etc.) that annoy me. I’m easily annoyed, but I hide it from humans due to bitchassness. This isn’t a problem with pets, though. I’ll straight-up tell them that they getting’ on my dayum nerves. But more importantly, hopefully time with her will help make me more compassionate I don’t want to one day be that father bitching at the baby for shitting in her diaper. “How the hell you gon’ shit in yo draws, homie!?” *SLAP*
Time to Fool the Boy Scouts
I’m glad that Obama decided to show up on View. Though I don’t watch the show, I have a deep-found respect for all the Ladies onboard. However, many people—including the dark-yellow, looks like gonorrhea-urine witch Michelle Malkin (aka Master Splinter’s sewer-bred cousin [Asians are allowed to insult one another])—have complained that he sold out the Boy Scouts. So here’s my solution.
How about we dress up an Obama-lookalike and send him to see the Boy Scouts—kind of like a pretend Santa. They’re too young to tell the difference, so why not fool them instead of disappointing them?
Conflict of Conscience
I'm having a conscious war. Bill O’Reilly was on the Tonight Show this week and though I typically associate him with Fox News, Ben Gleck and insanity, I found O'Reilly to be rather sensible and logical in his thoughts. I disagree with him on a myriad of issues, but I like the way in which he conducts himself. What really blew me away, however, was when he told the audience to not laugh at Lindsey Lohan, as she's just a young woman in need of help. Excuse me for being an over-estrogenic sissified ass, motherflunking darnit, but I found that to be very heart-warming and endearing.
I myself used to be an out-of-control teenager with no fear for authority. There were many moments in the past when I literally cussed out probation & police officers, not to mention district judges! That’s in fact kind of the reason I suck up to law enforcement so much nowadays—to make up for my past.
You know, I don’t mind the media’s coverage of Miss Lohan. It’s annoying, but the media is a capitalist business, and though its main goal is to convey meaningful news, they still harbor the right to choose what is and what isn’t worthy of their outlet. What I don’t like are the the responses to this story. I don’t mind jokes because I myself am a joker-maker, but I do find it disturbing when people make hateful and ignorant statements that they actually mean.
Anyway. Back to O’Reilly. The problem is that I’m now tempted to tune in and watch his show on Fox. Since I’m a staunch liberal, the prospect of watching him scares me in that it makes me feel as if I’m about to sell my soul to the devil. I want to learn more about him and his stance on issues, but I don’t want to betray my ideology.
But see, that’s the problem with ideology—it’s easy to get caught up in it. For instance, though deep inside I support most of the anti-illegal-immigration rhetoric from Arizona, I nonetheless find myself murmuring “fricken conservative slime” every time I read conservative comments in regard to the situation. I guess I don’t want to be associated with the purported ‘enemy.’
Now look, I’m a koolaid drinker. I was raised to drink koolaid, I drink koolaid and I will always drink koolaid. But to be quite blunt, sometimes I don’t mind taking a sip or two of ya’lls bitter conservative tea. It ain’t as good as koolaid, let alone some black coffee, but it’s nice to have some variety. Feel me?
It’s Either Monogamy or the Highway
They say monogamy isn’t natural. Regardless, I surely believe in it! Speaking of which, my future wife BEST NOT ever cheat on me!
"Men's testicles are far larger than those of any monogamous or polygynous primate,” they said.
Yah... large enough to be used as a slapping device!
Wife Swap
You want to know why I love this show? I love it because it proves that everyone—no matter how ignorant or foolish they may seem—has something positive to offer! However, I have more faith in the advice of a woman versus a dumbass man!
So anyway. Tonight’s episode pitted a swamp-ape-monster-chasing white family versus a black family of 5 kids who focus only on their rapping, 9-year-old son, Lil Chris.
Instead of intellectualizing about the episode, I’m instead going to make a joke. But I want to warn you that it’s not meant to be racial. It’s instead a jab at monster hunters AND corrupt politicians.
OMG! I THINK I FOUND THE SWAMP APE!
Oh wait…
...
.....
........
It’s just Rangel!
Advice to Kids
I’m 28, and yet even I sometimes accidentally raise my voice when speaking with my parents. I’m only human and hey, they’re only the most annoying people on this fricken planet. The key, however, is that I ALWAYS apologize for it. Just earlier today, I got frustrated with my father and raised my voice. About 20 minutes after the phone conversation had ended, I sent him an email to apologize. It’s as simple as that.
Now look, I’m able to get away with things like raising my voice because I’m a grownup. Some of you kids out there might want to check yoself before you wreck yourself, though. Regardless, the point is that you need to show your parents the respect they are due. But in case you do screw up, which is likely to happen many times during your life, be prepared to apologize and take responsibility.
Because quite frankly, I have no respect for people—young or grown—who don’t have respect for their parents! And that’s real!
Mind you, if your parents are crackheads, that’s a TOTALLY different story!
Forget Holy Oil; It’s Time for Holy Lotion
I love the Michael Baisden Show. Though he covers a plethora of serious topics, I tune in mainly for the comedic material. This week in particular proved very fruitful. For one, they spoke about the idea of hosting ‘spin the bible’ classes for church. I say let’s gon’ head with it! Instead of dipping your hand in holy oil, it’s time to dip your hand in holy lotion! We call it JC Jelly!
This week they also spoke about men who can’t keep up with their woman. Now see… Why it always gotta be the man’s fault? What about a woman that can’t keep up with a guy? Yo, I’m like the Road Runner and ya'll Wile. E. Coyote women ain't got enough dynamite in yo draws to catch me, baby! You best believe it!
I wanted to put Jesus's face on Brian and change it to Jesus Christ jelly time, but I didn't feel like spending 2+ hours in Photoshop. I'm not very graphically inclined!
The Definition of Uribe
When you bribe someone to give you their drug-free urine so you can pass your probation drug test.
Used in a sentence: Yo... I uribed that dude down the street and passed my drug test!
Spam-Busters, Biatch!
The spam stopped early this week, but then abruptly began again around approximately 7am this morning. Thankfully, I’ve discovered a perfect solution. Instead of trying to filter out spam, I instead filter out the addresses that I know aren’t spam. This way if I’m in a hurry, I can quickly check my Spam-Free Inbox for important messages from my Mom, Dad or bosses. And then at the end of the day, I just quickly peruse the spam folder to ensure I didn’t miss anything important. Genius, aye?
Beware Long-Term Brain Damage
I like reality TV. It's entertaining—even Jerry Springer. But I don't have the time to watch it on a frequent basis. In fact, it's a luxury I save for one of those rare days I get off from work. The truth is that reality TV is like drugs in that you should watch it in MODERATION, at best. Anymore and you risk suffering serious brain damage.
Living Healthy Counts
Here are some tips for living better.
If you’re going to have a snack before a meal, make sure it’s extremely light and very healthy—such as a piece of fruit. More importantly, please eat at least 3 meals a day, if not 5 or 6. By spreading out your meals, you maintain a correct metabolism and also keep your body adequetly supplied with nutrients and protein.
Never associate hunger pain with weight loss. If you are so hungry that you’re in pain, then you’re burning muscle! The only true and tried way to remove fat is to work out hard. I recommend you first do a muscular routine, during which time your body will deplete its sugar supply. Immediately go jogging afterward. Putting your body in a state of high stress when you’re sugar-depleted forces it to rely on fat instead of muscle for energy. I don’t know why this is, but I was told it by a scientist fellow I once met.
The Femi-Nazi Invasion
Men, we are approaching a time of war, for our beloved TV-Land is being taken over by women. First came ‘Hot in Cleveland,’ which we allowed simply due to the presence of the lovely Betty White. But now they’re planning to launch the Nanny, and in a month comes ‘She’s Got the Look.’ Good God… what’s next? ‘Meet my Vagina’!? This has to stop. I urge all TV-Land fans with a penis—including lesbians with a strap-on—to immediately phone TV-Land and DEMAND a stop to the Femi-Nazi invasion!
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PS - By the way, I heard about an event tomorrow called “Raleigh Wide Open”… All I got to say is SPREAD THEM LEGS n GET IT ON, RALEIGH! Gon’ wit yo bad selves!
PS #2 – I’m beyond impressed by young rap sensation CJ Dippa. This week he really proved himself a young man with great intelligence and even greater talent! What’s funny is that the young playa know more about Bollywood than my Inyan ass does, roflol. Now that’s the type of gangsta I respect! Intelligent, multi-cultural, can write AND can dance! WHOOP, THERE IT IS!
PS #3 – I also really enjoyed Lil Chris from Wife Swap!
PS #4 – I gave my dog a LITTLE bit of beer, but she loves it so much she’s begging for me. Uhhh… I don’t think so! This shit is expensive, YOUNG LADY! So sit your ass down and behave yourself!
PS #5 - It seems that I blog better when I work harder during the week. It's as if the hard work keeps my mind and body fresh!
PS #6 - My favorite thing about my dog. She literally smiles! Whenever she's happy, she opens her mouth!!! So I can tell if she's happy or not! I LOVE IT! YAYYYYYY!
