I don’t know about you folks, but I seriously deserve this weekend! I’ve been working so hard, it’s not even funny. I’m currently working part-time for four different companies. I could just work full-time for one, but I’m prone to quickly becoming bored. Performing different types of writing—reports, reviews, news, blogs, etc.—keeps me fresh and enthusiastic, which is a must for staying productive.
Anyway. Let’s get to some interesting discussions.
Get Yo Mutha****ing Hands Off Me!
The big story on everybody’s mind this week is the introduction of a full-body scanner by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). Passengers must either be scanned, or face a thorough pat down. Personally, I don’t mind putting my curvaceous, Herculean body on display for TSA security officials to gawk over. Nor do I mind if an official, whether male or female, touches my junk or accidentally gets his or her finger stuck up my pie-hole. Nevertheless, let’s take a brief look at some pros and cons (Fallon!).
Pros: We are in a state of war, which demands that we sacrifice some of our civil liberties in exchange for enhanced national security. Things may seem peachy clean at home, but we have thousands of troops in the Middle East risking their lives everyday to combat one of the most elusive foes in human history: terrorists. And these terrorists aren’t stupid. If anything, they’re highly intelligent and skilled practitioners of evil who’ll do anything to kill Americans—including sticking bombs up their piehole.
Cons: We’re fighting to bring democracy and freedom to the Middle East, yet at the same time we’re disregarding the very tenets that define our country and constitution. Safety is important, but so is every American’s right to not have their privacy infringed, let alone their bodies forcefully exposed to potentially dangerous radiation. Where will it stop? How long until these methods of ‘enhanced national security’ start showing up everywhere—at bus stops, subway stations, and even schools?
Conclusion: This is a difficult debate with no right answer. What disturbs me the most, though, is that some people, even those of a darker persuasion, believe that we should force only Muslims to undergo these extreme measures. I realize that people aren’t thrilled about what’s going on, but profiling is certainly not the answer. However, Israel might have a potential solution. Check it out: The Israelification of Airports.
Just remember, folks…. though things are bad, at least our airports aren’t been ran by Hamas!
Everybody Pays Taxes
Conservatives hate the social welfare system because it uses up their tax money. What many of them seem to not realize though is that we all pay taxes—conservatives, liberals, moderates, etc. My point is that we should all have a say in how our taxes are spent.
However, wouldn’t it be nice if we could each individually choose where our tax money goes? Can you imagine if each year the IRS provided a form with a list of checkboxes that we could select? This would allow conservatives to funnel their hard-earned tax dollars into defense, social security, and whatever else they deem important. By the same token, liberals could direct their taxes toward social welfare, education, and universal healthcare.
It’s just a thought, but still… I quite fancy the idea of us the people having the power to control where our money goes. It seems a lot more democratic than the current piece-of-shit system that’s in place.
Pseudo-Intellectuals
What is a pseudo intellectual and what is a loser? I frequently hear these terms, but I don’t get their meanings. Let’s begin with an analysis of the former.
Sometimes I get called a pseudo-intellectual, and to be quite honest, it irritates the bloody hell out of me. I admit that I’m neither brilliant like Franklin Mumford (‘My Wife and Kids’), nor a professor like my esteemed father. Nevertheless, I possess enough wit to perform research, analyze information, and reach my own conclusions. If that’s not a sign of intellectualism, especially for a 28-year-old, then I don’t know what is!
I guess some people are so intellectually gifted that they view anyone beneath them as a pseudo-intellectual. That’s unfortunate because one’s IQ isn’t the only determining factor behind intelligence. There are a host of different considerations to factor into the equation, such as emotional intelligence, common sense, and humility. A guy may have a 160 IQ, but if he gets shot because he refuses to give his wallet to a thief, then ultimately… he’s a fucking moron. Lol
But seriously, I get frustrated when people call me dumb, because I know for a fact that I’m fairly smart. I’m not a genius and I likely will never be one, but I’m positive that I’m not a dumbass—though admittedly, sometimes I pretend to be one to garner laughs ;-).
Losers
To me, losers are people who leech off others because they’re unwilling to make a genuine effort to sustain themselves. Mind you, those with legitimate disabilities or disorders that prevent them from taking care of themselves certainly don’t fit this profile.
Society apparently has a different definition of a loser. As far as I can tell, a loser is anyone who either fits or doesn’t fit the status quo. For instance, Facebook haters think Facebook users are losers with no real life, whereas Facebook lovers think Facebook haters are anti-social losers who live in a dark dungeon underneath their Mothers’ homes.
What really cracks me up though is when people refer to successful people, including celebrities, as losers. How can you equate having money, a home, and a great career with being a loser? I for the life of me cannot make this connection. “Angelina Jolie is a loser,” said the 225-pound, chain-smoking waitress on a break from Red Lobster.
But truthfully, the biggest loser of all is the Universe!
That’s a shame.
Happy Meals, Four Loko, and Cigarettes
Some people feel that the government’s persistent attempts to regulate what products we can consume or use is turning us into a nanny state. San Francisco has banned toys from Happy Meals, federal officials are planning to outlaw Four Loko, and the FDA is trying to curb smoking by redesigning cigarette packaging—which, truthfully, doesn’t exactly fit the nanny state profile, but still.
By the way, Nana, I'm well aware that smoking is going to make me (a man) get pregnant and eject a black, oily 'Skin of Evil' (Star Trek: TNG) baby out my anus, but I'm still going to continue smoking until I get a Green Smoke e-cigarette kit for Christmas, so suck it!
Pros: Putting toys in Happy Meals is equivalent to rewarding a child for eating unhealthy. Four Loko is a dangerous concoction of alcohol and caffeine that has already led to numerous deaths across the country. And some teenagers are dumb enough to start smoking cigarettes—so why not try to dissuade them with graphic depictions of a smoker’s lung? Look, kids are young, dumb, and inclined to do stupid things. Since we can’t always prevent them from making the wrong choice, why not just allow the government to take away the choice altogether?
Cons: What Americans do with their money is their own business. The government has absolutely no right to interfere with the people’s right to eat unhealthy, overload their bodies with alcohol and caffeine, or smoke like a chimney. These may be destructive behaviors, but the cornerstone of America is individual liberty. Plus drinking a Four Loko is no different than mixing up a cocktail of Vodka and Red Bull. So what’s next—a ban on Vodka and Red Bull!?
Conclusion: I think the government needs to lay off. I don’t mind them changing their advertising methods, such as in the case of cigarette packaging. Nor do I mind Michelle Obama’s attempt to educate families on healthy eating habits. However, there’s a big difference between giving advice and being an overbearing Nanny.
Dear Sarah Palin: Stop, Drop, and Roll Your Ass Home
I sincerely wish Sarah Palin would give up politics. This woman is dafter than a lobotomized dog! I appreciate her bubbly personality, but if she truly believes she’s going to win the 2012 presidential bid, then she’s out of her fragernackle mind. It’s never going to happen. There’s no way the America people will ever vote her into power, because she clearly doesn’t have what it takes.
What she does have though is the capacity to entertain, which is why I urge her to quit politics altogether, and pursue a full-time career in the entertainment industry instead. I can’t guarantee that I’ll become a fan, but I’m certain she’ll do well. You betcha!
Get your own reality show (check). Sign your daughter up for a reality dance competition (check). Quit politics (?). I hope you make the right decision, Mrs. Palin!
Knowledge is Power, and Our Children are the Future
I was especially touched by tonight’s episode of School Pride. One thing dawned on me though. Without the money of corporations, this wouldn’t be happening. The show relies on funding from NBC and retail outlets like Walmart, both of which are operated by large corporations. What’s sad to me is that these companies are likely only participating in an attempt to boost their own ratings and sales. Though I greatly appreciate their efforts, I wish they’d do things like this more often—and for the right reasons.
You know, knowledge is everything folks. And it’s our children that will one day lead this country, which is why it’s so important we give them the tools and resources to excel.
Let me tell you a story. Back in highschool, I was a bit interested in learning about film technology, so I decided to enroll in my school’s ONLY film class. I was greatly disappointed when I discovered that the class was ridiculously outdated. According to the teacher, each part of a commercial should be at least 10 to 15 seconds long. I found that assertion absolutely staggering. Even back then, in the late 90s, the average commercial wasn’t even 15 seconds long altogether!
The point of this story is that if I would have had access to better technology and resources, I may have discovered a passion for filmmaking. This is why I wish to God every school could offer a little of everything—digital media, filmmaking, automotive engineering, etc. Kids are so impressionable that it’s important we expose to as much as humanly possible.
Sighs. Obviously there are limits. Some schools specialize in art, while others specialize in automobiles. That’s just the way of the world, I suppose. But perhaps one day… one day faraway in the future, every child will have the opportunity to not just read about subjects they’re interested in, but also gets hands on experience in them as well. And yes, I’m a full-fledged idealist.
Russians Ordered to Abandon Unicycles in Favor of Horses (Satire)
In an attempt to revolutionize Russia’s antiquated transportation system, President Dmitry Medvedev has decreed that all Russian citizens immediately abandon their unicycles and begin learning how to ride horses.
Russia suffers from a debilitating transportation system based strictly on unicycles. For the past six centuries, ever since Ivan III heroically rolled his now-famous unicycle over the last Mongolian invaders as they “played dead,” the unicycle has been the single most widely used form of transportation in all of Mama Russia.
“To the Russian people, a unicycle is a symbol of total freedom from barbarian ways,” remarked presidential aide Aglaya Vasilevich, as she quickly finished off the last portion of a seal penis. “It has been a part of our way of life for centuries.”
Indeed, the unicycle has played a pivotal role in Russian art, history, society, and technology.
It was on a unicycle, for instance, that explorer Vitus Bering discovered Alaska, when—while frantically fleeing his enraged wife, who had just caught him in bed with Professor Coldheart of the Care Bear Institute—he accidentally fell over a cliff and crash-landed in the very spot where American politician Sarah Palin currently resides.
And it was a unicycle that inspired 19th century engineer Yuri Denisyuk to draft the first-ever robotic soldier, R2-007. Sadly, the original technical draft was lost when Yuri, while camping out in the woods, left it on top of his cooler before going to bed, only to wake up and discover that a band of extremely hungry, homeless Russians had devoured it. All that remains is a rudimentary sketch.
However, though the unicycle clearly proved to be a blessing for the Russian people in the past, it has become a liability in the 21st century. As Russia’s baby boomers, known as the Sputnik generation, continue to age, their ability to correctly maneuver a unicycle keeps declining.
On a recent evening in Moscow, for instance, I watched in horror as an elderly man leading a long funeral procession line slipped and toppled backward onto the woman behind him, causing her to lose balance and fall back onto the child behind her, and so on. I can still hear the voices of men, women, and children screaming as they all fall down like dominos. “Help!” yells a young damsel in distress. “My grandmother has fallen and I can’t get up!”
President Medvedev is all too aware of the situation on the streets. His own mother passed in February 2010 when she was ran down by a drunk, 350-lb wrestler who lost control of his unicycle. This inspired him to think long and hard about how to propel Russia’s transportation industry from the 15th century to the 18th century.
“Why only the 18th?” I inquired.
“Well,” the president scoffed, rolling his eyes in frustration, “we can’t even teach our women how to do something more than be a mail-order bride. What the hell do you expect from us?”
Regardless, it is the president’s hope that the citizens of his beloved country will accept his new decree.
***
It’s been two months since President Medvedev ordered that Russians abandon unicycles and begin to learn how to ride horses. It’s been a tumultuous time rocked by riots and dissent. I’m sitting a few feet behind the president right now. He’s standing up by a podium perched in front of the Mariinsky Palace in Saint Petersburg. He’s about to make a speech.
“My Russian people! I know these have been difficult months for you. Change… change is a difficult thing to accept. Even more difficult to accept is the risk of being kicked to death while trying to bathe a horse’s ass. But these… these are the risks that we must take if we want to propel ourselves forward! So my people, I urge you to put aside your unicycles and join me in this movement forward! The time has come… the time has come for us to join the rest of the world—or at least the parts of it stuck in the 18th century."
To my amazement, the crowd erupts in cheers. Men, women, and children alike claw the air and growl in support. It looks like President Medvedev’s speech had the effect he had hoped for. I guess from hence forth, Russia shall not be a land of bears on unicycles. Instead it shall be a land of bears on horses!
F.I.N.
---
Well, that’s it for tonight folks. I hope you enjoyed my second attempt at satire. I didn’t quite feel this bit as much as I did the one from last week. Meh… you win some, you lose some! Maybe I’ll feel better about it once I relax. I’ve just been so stressed out, man! I’m getting ready to go bike with the dog and then begin my 36 hours of pure peace on Earth before hell unfolds YET AGAIN!
PS #1. Earlier this week a middle-aged white gentleman stopped his truck in the middle of the road to wish me a Merry Christmas. He was trying to say something else as well, but I couldn’t understand him. He had an accent and I have horrible hearing. Regardless, I want to thank him and wish him many blessings. HOWEVER, I would also like to remind him that it’s not Christmas season yet, you jackass! (hahah) Seriously though, why is everybody celebrating Christmas already? People, at least wait until the turkey has had its head chopped off and its butt stuffed before you go all Christmas crazy! I mean… GOLLY! ;-)
PS #2. I read today that San Francisco is now trying to ban circumcisions. This is just plain ridiculous. As a man cursed by foreskin, I say OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! You have no idea how difficult it is to enjoy head with this pesky piece of slimy skin covering my mega-brain. Over the years, the tissue underneath has become so sensitive that I’m more apt to scream in pain than moan in pleasure. If only Mama and Dada would have had it chopped off…. *wipes tears from eyes*.
PS #3. People always complain that CNN writers don’t know what they’re talking about—that they’re lacking an expert perspective. Look, writers don't have to be an expert at the subject they're covering. As a freelancer, I've written about PCs, hair brushes, diarrhea, menstrual cycles, squirrels, nuts, and much more. At the end of the day, I’m just trying to earn a living, not become a friggen professor.
PS #4. Hiphop is subjective. There's no such thing as good or bad rap. It's all opinions. There are songs that make me want to shit on my dog, okay. Yet there are some folks who think these songs are so damn inspirational. By the same token, there are songs that make me see butterflies and angels floating around my head. Yet these very same songs make other people want to stick a finger up their ass until they shit all over themselves. It's all subjective.... SUBJECTIVE is the key. So please don't state your music or art-related preference as a fact, because it's not!
PS #5. I’ve been getting a bit lazy again about cleaning up dog poop. It’s just so annoying. I swear all this dog does is run, poop, eat, and sleep. When she runs, it makes her poop. After she’s pooped, she gets hungry. And then after an hour or two of napping, she wants to exercise again. Sighs. Anyway. In case you ever have to deal with a lazy-ass neighbor who doesn’t pick up his doggie’s poop, just try this method:
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