Anyway.
I’m trying to take this injury and its unfortunate repercussions in stride. Am I mad? Certainly. I’m angry, frustrated, bitter, and interested in using my stiff, cast-armored appendage to stab the persons responsible in their eyes. The person or entity I hold most responsible, though, is God!
Bastard!
I’m mad and frustrated, but the key lies in overpowering all these negative emotions with positivity. Things are going to be extra rough, but I have to keep it moving. Since I can’t keep up with my regular work schedule, however, I’ve temporarily suspended two of my ‘jobs’ for the time being. I won’t be making nearly as much money for the next 6 or so weeks, but it will give me a much-needed opportunity to slow down and ‘smell the roses,’ as well as figure out a way to avoid all the bill collectors that are going to be coming after me soon. I’m scheduled for surgery next week. Ay yi yi!
Plus typing slowly is forcing me to think more critically. For the past couple of weeks, my blogs have been crap, crap, crappity squared. I haven’t really been trying. I’ve been so desperate to produce a high quantity (2500+ words) blog that I’ve been sacrificing quality. Since there is no way in hell I can produce a 3000+ blog anymore, I might as well take the time to really think about what I’m saying.
Anyway. Let’s get to some fun stuff!
I Can’t Take It Anymore
The GOP is really starting to piss me off. It’s like they’re against anything and everything positive. They’re more concerned with making sure Ben Stein ("Bueller?...Bueller?") doesn’t suffer from a “slightly higher marginal tax rate,” than they are with promoting food safety, equal rights, and nuclear disarmament. I wouldn’t be surprised if they continue to throw hissy fits, even after the tax issue is resolved.
Granted, I understand the controversy surrounding the Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors (DREAM) Act, not to mention the potential repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT). However, there is no reason on earth for them to block passage of the Food Safety Modernization Act, the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act, and the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START).
According to the Heritage Foundation, the Food Act permits the FDA to have a say in how farmers grow products. This means they can establish “rules governing soil, water, hygiene, packing, temperatures, and even what animals may roam which fields and when.” It also authorizes the government to charge food manufacturers for the additional facility inspections.
It sounds pretty good to me, but not to Glenn Beck. He says the Food Act is paramount to more government control, higher taxes, increased food prices, and eventual “starvation.” Sighs. Listening to Glenn Beck pains me more than trying to scratch the upper left side of my back with my fractured hand. Regardless, Beck is full of shit.
Another GOP ‘news’ source claims the bill would give the government the power to arrest anyone for simply growing backyard vegetables and selling them at a farmer’s market. This is pure and simple fear mongering. According to USA Today, an amendment added by Senator Jon Tester of Montana “would exempt from regulation farms that do less than $500,000 in sales a year; that sell only within 275 miles of the farm; and that sell only on the farm or to farmers markets, restaurants or grocery stores.”
As for the Zadroga Act, the GOP is scared that compensating the brave aid workers who suffered health complications from working at the 9/11 ruins would lead to “job-killing taxes.” I agree with Rush Limbaugh that we should allocate more funds to families of American military personnel killed in combat (assuming I’m not misinterpreting his words), but that’s an entirely separate issue. What we’re talking about here are people who put their lives on the line—and some of them even died—to try and save victims of 9/11!
Last up is the START initiative, which the GOP feels would put us in a vulnerable position. Admittedly, this is a very complicated treaty that I haven’t yet had the chance to thoroughly review. From my current vantage point, however, I see no reason why we shouldn’t work with Russia to reduce our stockpiles of nuclear weapons.
I seriously cannot take it anymore, which is why I’m about to go shopping. Wish me luck!
E-Cigarettes
Due to the injury I sustained, I’m going to have to permanently quit smoking. This includes e-cigarettes. So though I’m freaking miserable right now, this injury will in fact end up ultimately saving my life. It’s amazing how the world works, aye?
Speaking of smoking, electronic cigarettes are not all they’re cut out to be. I was overly excited last Friday, but during this past week I discovered that e-cigarettes kind of suck. They do take care of the craving, but there’s nothing quite like the taste of a cigarette—let alone the sensation of 4,000+ carcinogens poisoning my body. Mmm… kill me now, baby!
I still readily recommend e-cigarettes as a smoking alternative, but I’m not going to lie. It’s not the same. It doesn’t taste the same and it doesn’t feel the same. More importantly, it’ll never replace the joy that can be obtained from smoking a square after a sensual session of masturbating! Mind you, switching to e-cigarettes is a lot easier to handle than trying to quit smoking cold turkey.
Just watch out, though, because after this weekend of drunken revelry, I won’t be smoking anymore, so I’m going to be more moody than a butch lesbian with P.M.T.
Miscommunication
There’s a lady whom I believe doesn’t like me. In fact, I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m a jerk. It’s quite unfortunate because she has me all wrong. Sadly, this happens often with me.
As a very anxious individual, I sometimes use techniques to calm myself, especially when I’m feeling extra nervous. My most commonly used tactic is to repeat what I see— lighter, Day’s Inn, oranges, Miller High Life, etc. This unfortunately tends to backfire.
For instance, I was about to walk out of a grocery store isle when I spotted someone turning the corner. It made me nervous, so I immediately said ‘crackers’ in regard to a box of crackers on the shelf. The Caucasian who appeared must have heard me and misinterpreted my intention, because he frowned and gave me a ‘mean mug.’
Something similar happened with the lady. I was waiting for my order at a fast food restaurant when a customer walked in. I immediately grew anxious, so I started pacing and repeating what I saw. While he was ordering, I decided to walk over to another part of the store. Along the way, I passed by the ‘trash’ can right behind him. And well, I think the lady behind the counter thought I was referring to the man.
Sighs. Really? Have you seen how I dress? Have you seen the doggy-bite-mark hole in my right shoe? Have you seen my HAIR? Why would I call someone else trash, when I myself look like I was just released from a mental ward ;-).
I understand these miscommunications are my fault, but it still sucks. I’m not trying to insult or demean other people. I’m just trying to cope with my social anxiety. I am nonetheless sorry for the confusion I sometimes cause. Just be assured that if you hear me use the terms ‘cracker’ or ‘trash,’ I’m not referring to you—unless of course you’re Rush Limbaugh, a man who believes the American Indians owe white people reparations.
Speaking of classic cases of miscommunication…
By the way, if you ever hear me say ‘penis’ in a grocery store, it means that I just saw a humongous bratwurst that reminded me of myself.
A Look Inside a Screwed-Up Mind
I think I have ADD, not to mention Asperger Syndrome, Social Anxiety Disorder, Impotence, and B.G.D. (Big Ego Disease). I’m not going to make excuses or ask for help, but I would like to give you a brief glimpse into my mind.
If you were to spend 20 minutes lecturing me about Ronald Reagan, and you were to then ask me questions about the lecture, my answers would probably provoke you to accuse me of not paying attention. That wouldn’t necessarily be the case, though. The truth is that it’s extremely difficult for me to absorb information that I can’t connect with. To me, all the information in the world is like a bunch of shapeless pieces of a puzzle. Until I’m able to pick up on a cue that helps my mind shape the pieces, I can’t piece together the puzzle.
For instance, I’ve heard of and even looked up the word orthopedics at least one hundred times, but it’s never stuck with me. After having suffered a fracture, however, I guarantee you that I will never forget its meaning.
Here’s another example. Prior to watching Hotel Rwanda, I read a few Wikipedia entries to get a general idea of the Rwandan Genocide. To be honest, most of the information didn’t really make sense to me. It wasn’t until I started watching the movie that the pieces started to take shape and come together in my mind.
This is a very frustrating ‘condition’ because it impedes my ability to learn new information. It’s in fact the very reason names and dates mean nothing to me. I’m much better at learning ideas than I am at learning specific facts. On more than one occasion in college, I studied so hard for a test, only to fail because the teacher decided to focus more on facts and figures than ideas. It was very frustrating.
I guess my point is that you shouldn’t necessarily assume someone isn’t paying attention. Some of us can tune in and try our hardest, but unless what you’re saying is relatable to us in some form, we’re just not going to get it.
Soul Train
I missed the 2010 Soul Train Awards last Sunday, but I was fortunate enough to catch their two-hour Soul Train special. I was really blown away by it. Soul Train was a cultural phenomenon that spawned some of the best music, flyest clothes, and hippest dance moves of the 20th century. I got to give it up to Don Cornelius for creating the masterpiece that is… Soul Train!
However, I also have to give it up to Keenan Ivory Wayans for coming up with the pseudo-masterpiece known as… OLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD TRAIN!
La Dog
The dog is still with me. I was very frustrated with her last week, but things are better now. Some people were clearly irritated by my rant, but they can kiss my ass. I’m done apologizing for just being myself. I may be a rash, immature, and arrogant ass, but dayumnit… that’s just who I am! Either love it or hate it, because if I ever change, it’s going to be on my own terms!
Anyway.
She’s a bit frustrated because we can’t go biking anymore. She’s also being picky about her food. I have to mix it with ketchup for her to eat it, lol! Overall, though, we’re maintaining. I did call Animal Control, but I changed my mind at the last minute. They were ready to come out here and get it, but I just couldn’t do it. I guess I do kind of love her big-eared, “ugly” ass. Just do me a favor, God, and make sure my future wife don’t end up bein’ as butt-ugly as my dog! AND YOU KNOW THAT’S RIGHT!
Who’s to Blame?
They say the government is to blame for outsourcing. I disagree. Here’s a simplified case scenario I’ve developed to present my argument.
Bad corporations do wrong things.
When the government tries to regulate these bad corporations and make them accountable, they strike back by outsourcing.
So is it the government's fault?
Suppose your son does something bad, so you ground him. Then later that day, you find out that he retaliated by drawing on the walls of his room. Should you bend over and apologize? Or should you ground his butt to dust!?
I realize this is a very simple analogy, but do you see at all what I’m trying to say? It’s not the government’s fault that greedy, slimy corporations counter government regulation (which I feel is a good thing) with actions that hurt the general public. It’s the corporations’ fault for being assholes.
Klan Member Suffers Fatal Heart Attack After Being Forced to Watch Roots
Though this was partially inspired by real events, it’s a total piece of fiction. Also note that it’s 12am and I’m trying to piece this all together with a fractured hand. So don’t expect anything spectacular!
Avid bicyclist and Ku Klux Klan member Nathan Bedwetter Forrest Ranger suffered a fatal heart attack after he was forced to watch Roots by an enraged band of African American patients at the WakeMed Emergency Department in Raleigh, NC.
It all started on the evening of December 28, when Nathan, 28, tumbled into a ditch while riding his bicycle to McDonalds to retrieve a scrumptious treat for his wife of six-months, Queen Shiba the dog (check Offbeat White Trash News for additional information).
The accident, which according to Nathan was the result of a construction company that had failed to properly cordon off a dangerous zone, displaced his pinky finger.
“He started cryin’ out for his mama like a punk bitch,” said Mandingo Okonkwo, an extremely dark-skinned African American man who witnessed the accident, called 911, and then subsequently used his complexion to hide in the shadows in fear of being arrested for non-payment of child support.
“I would have left, but I wanted to see what was gon’ happen to that cracker.”
When emergency officials arrived, Nathan was immediately hauled off to the WakeMed Emergency Department, which at the time was brimming with patients due to a shoot-out that had just occurred on Poole Road, SOUTH SIDE!
Upon seeing the large congregation of African Americans in the emergency room, Nathan foolishly decided to make a statement by using hospital bed sheets and a Sharpie marker to construct a makeshift Klan outfit.
His thoughtless actions were met with an immediate backlash by the patients.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Sumit Saxena, a young Indian man who was sitting quietly in the corner when the incident broke out. “Suddenly gun-shot victims were hopping off their beds like zombies who were just brought to life. The entire room went berserk.”
Fueled by Nathan’s racist remarks, not to mention the fact he was crying like a baby over a mild pinky injury, over 60 African American patients rushed him, and then proceeded to tie him up.
“I’ll never forget what happened after that,” said Rusty Owens, a WakeMed security guard who was rendered immobile by the stampede. “They led him over to this large TV on the wall, and this one guy... this DVD dealer... he put in a DVD of Roots. Then the whole room went quiet, except for the Klansman of course!”
According to bystanders, Nathan screamed, pounded his tied-up fists together, stomped hit feet on the floor, and made pouty faces for an hour.
“But then suddenly,” said Lateisha, a 23-year-old African American woman whose weave was violently ripped off her scalp during a cat fight on Poole road, “the scene where Kunta got whipped came up. And I don’t know. Suddenly he got all quiet and shit. It was unreal.”
It wasn’t unreal, though. It was real. It was all too real for Nathan, who after a lifetime of being brainwashed by the Klan, finally had a revelation.
“OMG!” Nathan reportedly exclaimed. “I’m a got-dang piece of white, dog-fucking racist trash!”
Finally, after so many years of following a dark path, Nathan had awakened to the glory of righteousness. It was like he was a new man, said Rusty. He cried and hugged his African American kidnappers. And he even spoke to the Indian.
“Instead of saying I stinked,” said Sumit, “he said I just smelled different. It was a very touching moment for me!”
Unfortunately, it lasted only a short while. According to onlookers, Nathan’s gargantuan mother showed up 15 minutes later. She then proceeded to kiss him on the lips, rub her bosoms in his face, cradle his cock with her grease-laden fingers, smack him on the cheeks, and then lecture him on the merits of racism.
Upon waking up from the ‘dream’ of revelation and realizing that he had hugged African Americans, Nathan suddenly suffered a fatal heart attack and died.
It appears some people just can't handle the truth. Oh well...
F.I.N.
[It’s not wrong to say - He was like a new man, said Rusty. It just means I’m paraphrasing him.]
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Well, that’s it, folks. I likely won’t be back tonight because typing is a total pain in the butt right now. I’m dead exhausted. I’ve been in front of this keyboard almost all day long. It really really sucks and I’m obviously a bit depressed. However, I may change my mind once I become giddy with alcoholic glee! Yayyyyyy! Regardless, though this injury sucks, it’s not going to stop me from taking charge of my freedom and living my life like it’s GOLDEN, and you certainly know that’s right!
PS #1. Thank you ABC for temporarily bringing ‘The Whole Truth’ back. It’s like a charming, playful version of Law n Order. Don’t get it twisted, though, because it’s no less compelling! It just has this certain je ne sais quoi quality to it! By the way, thank you for teaching me a new word, Mr. Colbert!
PS #2. Louis C.K. is the GREATEST comedian of our time. He was on the Tonight Show tonight, and he had me laughing for 15 minutes straight. This guy is a comedic genius. Wow. Wow. Wow. THAT is talent! He needs his own TV show! It should be like a follow-up to Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Really Really REALLY Hates Louis. Lol. Amazing.
PS #3. Equally amazing was Jay’s interview with rock climber Aron Ralston. This guy is so charismatic and charming. He’s an amazing young man and a true inspiration. However, Jay feels that people suffering from drug- & emotional-related problems should just merely read Aron’s story. I understand where he’s coming from, but somebody suffering through an emotional ordeal isn’t necessarily going to be able to relate to Aron, a good-looking and married man who almost died while rock climbing.
To be perfectly honest, during my most troubled times (including when I used to prostitute myself for money), I didn’t give a shit about other peoples’ experiences. I just wanted somebody to listen to MY EXPERIENCE and actually care, understand, and maybe even empathize. Don’t get me wrong. I love this Aron guy and I greatly look up to Mr. Leno (other than the fact that he has so many cars, yet he can’t spare one for me, lol), but I have to keep it real.
PS #4. I want to take a moment to thank all the Wake Med nurses and doctors who helped me out this week. I really appreciate your kindness! I especially want to thank an extremely awesome woman who made me feel like a giggling little girl, aka a Sweetie Pie. (angel face smile) lol. It was a bit awkward being called a sweetie pie, but it was endearing and heartfelt, so I want to wish you a thank you from the bottom of my cholesterol-clogged heart ;-).
PS #5. It astonishes me that the GOP is more concerned with extending tax-cuts for the rich, than they are with extending unemployment benefits. Watch out seniors, because they’re coming for you next!
Much props to you for posting this fantastic blog with a broken hand! You are the man!
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