Anyway. Tonight my main target will be Jimmy Fallon. Oh yeah, #IMGOINGTHERE!
Other than that, I hope all of you had a great week!
Brief News: House Republicans Scared To Death Of Unidentified Fat Man With White Piece of Paper
A portly, unidentified man has House republicans so frightened that they’ve been tiptoeing through Capitol Hill all week long. Nobody knows why they’re so scared of this man or what is written on the white piece of paper that he allegedly clutches close to his heart, but what is for certain is that this man has the power to make House Majority Leader John Boehner cry like a 13-year-old girl experiencing her first period.
“I personally am not scared of this fat bastard,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters, while repeatedly gazing all over the place as if he expected the ghost of Bin Laden to suddenly pop up out of nowhere. “But the guys over in the House are scared shitless!”
In fact, the fear is so palpable that there have been at least three confirmed cases this week alone of House republicans peeing in their pants from fright. And according to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a confrontation between John Boehner and the unidentified man late Wednesday afternoon led to Boehner falling to his knees and busting into tears.
“It all centers around that piece of paper the fat f*** carries around with him,” Pelosi speculated. “It’s as if the guy is somehow using whatever is written on it to force the republicans to do what he wants them to do.”
She continued, “It’s quite sad, especially considering that politicians are supposed to be doing what the people want them to do, not what some fatass wants them to do!”
Moral of the story: The only fat man to fear is Santa Clause. Speaking of which, are all you republicans behaving yourselves this year!?
Brief News: Stars Call It Quits After Sarah Palin Joins Their Ranks
The universe’s many stars, from red giants to white dwarves, have all turned in their two-weeks notice and pledged to never shine again until presidential hopeful Sarah Palin gives up her hopes of becoming a star. The controversy erupted earlier this week when Palin revealed her über-stylish tour bus, which according to witnesses made Brent Michael’s tour bus look like “pure crap.”
“We’ve been out in space shining for millions of years, and all of a sudden Palin buys a bus, goes on tour, and steals away all of our limelight,” Gamma Ursae Majoris from the constellation Ursa Major complained to reporters. “I appreciate that she wants to be a star, but she is totally taking away from the rest of us!”
According to Gamma, the stars aren’t the only ones upset with Palin’s recent rise into the heavens. Asteroid belts, comets, meteors, and black holes are also feeling disgruntled. Many of them have threatened to quit but are holding on only because they need the money. Apparently, the recession has affected them as well.
“Hell, word through the grapevine is that even Mother Earth is pissed,” Gamma said. “If the rumors are true, she plans on packing it up and getting the hell out of the Milky Way!”
He continued, “My guess is that Palin will settle down on Uranus if that happens.”
Moral of the story: Yeah, this piece sucked. It’s 1:48 AM and I still can’t come up with a decent conclusion. But anyway. Frankly, I dislike Palin. Some guy on hardball talked about how Sarah Palin is an anti-establishment and down-to-Earth individual who is comfortable around bikers. BULL. This is the same woman who called Common a thug. The truth is she is just as stuck-up and bougie as the people she hates. I have nothing against bikers, but you can't call Common a thug and then pretend like your biker-gang buddies are the sweetest folks on Earth!
Brief News: Man Laughs Himself To Death Due To Former Landlord’s Antics
Raleigh, NC—Former Winchester townhouse resident Victor Alowishus Jones suffered a fatal heart attack at 4:00 pm Thursday afternoon after having laughed too hard and for too long at his former landlord’s ridiculous antics.
According to Victor’s best friend, Sheila Jenkins, his former landlord gave him a sudden, out-of-nowhere eviction notice two weeks ago and then completely ignored all his attempts to negotiate a new lease. This greatly angered Victor, but he had no choice at the time but to put up with it.
“Then two days after Victor moved out, the jerk had the nerve to text him and demand that he pay such and such money for purported damage to the home,” Sheila explained. “That’s when Victor started laughing.”
Sheila went on to explain how Victor replied by telling his former landlord to “suck his juicy something,” after which the landlord had his great-grand mother call Victor on a private line and claim that there was a warrant out for his arrest as per some stolen property.
“It was at that moment that Victor’s laughter, which had been going on for several days at this point, turned into a giant, deadly guffaw,” Sheila said, shaking her head in dismay. “I tried to tell him to stop and get it together, but it was too late; he keeled over and died from literally laughing himself to death.”
Moral of the story: You ain’t getting no money from me! Take me to court if you’d like, but remember that I’m Asian, and to an Asian, a ‘little black book’ refers to a telephone directory featuring all of our family friends who hold positions of power, i.e., lawyers!
Brief News: Gang of Ryde-Or-Die Chicks Take Over K97.5 Radio Station
North Carolina—Four young ladies have taken over Raleigh’s only hiphop station, K97.5 WQOK, and threatened to cut off the genitals of the lead disc jockey, DJ Showtime, unless he gives them permanent positions as DJs. The whole fiasco started earlier last week when Showtime, aka ‘The Talk of the Town,’ started allowing select local residents to visit the station and play along for a half-hour as guest DJs for the station’s ‘Top 8 @ 8 Countdown.’
“Most of the folks who I invited to the studio had a great time and left without complaints,” Showtime told reporters during a five minute phone conversation that the ladies allowed him to make. “But not Tonyetta, Darlene, Maria, and Liling; them crazy bitches — and I don’t mean that in a positive way — just didn’t let go!”
According to Showtime, the four “psycho broads” broke into the studio late Friday evening, locked his co-hosts Nikki Nicole and Brian Dawson in a closet, and then took him hostage in the main studio room, where they’ve been playing their “Top 8” lists over and over again ever since in an attempt to weaken his resolve.
“Look, they can keep playing their songs and they can even cut off my genitals, but I am not hiring them!”
“You hear me, you psycho bitches; I am not hiring you!” Showtime was heard screaming through the phone before the line suddenly went dead.
In Related News: Local DJ’s penis found floating down Falls Lake.
Moral of the story: This stupid, hurriedly written piece was designed to make fun of Showtime’s tendency to only bring in female guest DJs. Don’t get me wrong, though, because I don’t blame the brother a single bit. Get that ‘ish, bruh bruh! But just watch out cuz some these ryde or die chicks str8 up CRAZZZYYYY, son! They so ‘hungry’ for stardom they’ll str8 up chop off your junk and take a bite out of it!
Feature News: Jimmy Fallon Arrested For Plagerizing His Writers
You know what? I’m just not feeling this.
*Grunts and then tosses aside this satire piece.*
Moral of the story: It’s a really, really long story! :-)
Paranoid Man With Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Refuses To Clean Toilet
Biloxi, Massachusetts—Local photographer and lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) victim Roger Phillips held a press conference early Friday morning outside the Lazy Magnolia Brewery on Roscoe-Turner Road to announce that he will not clean his private toilet at his new residence until he develops an intimate relationship with it.
“Look, I need to have a deep relationship with a toilet and know it inside and out before I can scrub away the dust, grime, and bits of corn lacing its porcelain interior,” Roger told reporters. “I need to know the speed at which it flushes, how corroded its pipes are, and whether or not it can handle one load of my shit without getting clogged.”
Ever since Roger, 33, moved into the residence on May 17, he’s slowly been getting to know the new home and its various appliances and devices. It took him three days alone just to establish a strong enough friendship with the kitchen sink to wipe it clean after washing his hands. He has yet to wipe the sink in his own private bathroom.
“This crazy bastard — and he seriously has a lot more wrong with him than just OCD — is constantly washing his hands and taking a shit, yet he refuses to ever clean up after himself because he doesn’t know the sinks and toilets well enough,” Roger’s landlord, Christopher Martin, told reporters, shaking his head in dismay. “I don’t mind some of the sinks being dirty, but I’m getting really sick and tired of the stinky toilet!”
He continued, “It’s like, dude, you put your ass on the toilet 6 times a day; how much more intimate could you possibly be with it!?”
Unbeknownst to his landlord, Roger does not in fact make any direct skin-to-porcelain contact with the toilet. Instead he places his landlord’s towels on the toilet seat and uses it as a sort of sanitary sheet or condom, on the basis that “a man needs to protect his vital assets, including his wallet, his penis, and, of course, his ripe buttocks.”
Though Roger’s eccentric behavior might lead some to think that he’s absolutely bonkers, his girlfriend, 42-year-old Rhonda Meier, claims that there’s nothing crazy about him at all.
“The paranoid bastard just suffers from a really severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder,” Rhonda explained, rolling her eyes in what appeared to be a mixture of pure hatred and unrelenting love. “And to be honest, that he needs to know a toilet intimately is just the tip of the iceberg.”
“He can’t shower without slippers, he refuses to throw away our used condoms, and he insists on making love in ten-minute bursts, after which he has to take a ten-minute break. It kind of ruins the mood, you know? But toilets have always caused him the most problems. Hell, he’s only actually cleaned three toilets in his entire life, including the one at his parent’s house, the one at his old crib, and the one at my apartment.”
Christopher doesn’t care about Roger’s mental problems, however, which is why he’s making arrangements to expedite the get-to-know-you process. His hope is that a quiet, romantic date between the two will give Roger the comfort and security he needs to pick up the toilet brush and “git er done.”
“I’m going to turn down the lights, set up a few nice-smelling candles, put on a Marvin Gaye CD, and just let the magic happen between the Roger and his god damned toilet,” Chris said. “And if that doesn’t work, I’m literally going to pick up a plunger and shove it up that mentally retarded freak’s ass!”
Moral of the story: This piece was designed to make fun of my bathroom behavior. I’m not as OCD as Roger, but I too need time with a toilet — usually one to two months — before I’m capable of cleaning it. And it’s even worse with showers. It takes about 3 years before I’ll clean a shower tub, which is why I usually just hire somebody off craigslist to do it for me. Yeah, I’m a total freak; I know!
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Well, that’s it for 2day. This wasn’t my best stuff, but like I said, I’m still getting back into the swing of things. Plus, I may have bit off more than I could chew this time around. Hell, it’s 12:17 AM and three of the above pieces aren’t even finished yet! Anyway. I hope ya’ll enjoyed it!
PS #1. If ya’ll like hiphop and want to share your favorite songs with the community, then log into hiphopnc, submit your list, and hope for the best!
PS #2. I really wanted to get Ed Schultz and Rick Perry, but I just didn’t have enough time! Maybe next week!
PS #3. I am not actually smoking less. I smoke less cigarettes, but I take more puffs. When I’m outside, I’m in such a hurry to get back inside that I puff my cigs like crazy. So when you add it all up, it’s pretty much even. Craziness, right, lol?
PS #4. Happy Memorial Day!
PS #5. I’ve given up my quest for love, but that doesn’t mean I’ve given up my quest for sex! Since women my age are too uppity to spend time with me (which they’ll regret once I get rich -> “back then they didn’t want me, now I’m hot they all on me”), I’ve set my sights higher up. I’m talking about gettin’ me some granny panties!
Yeah, yeah, all you young females out there are shaking your head and referring to me as a “creep,” but given four years without sex, ya’ll would be on your knees begging Hugh Heffner to shove it in your mouth, so SHUT IT! #yeahIsaidit! So if any lonely older women need some sweet, youngbuck lovin’ in their lives, holla at tha Certified Cougar Handler!
