The original inspiration for this piece came from my landlord, who kind of pissed me off earlier this week. It was going to be about a landlord and part-time construction worker named Chuck “Assplucker” Gordan (who hurls catcalls at women, wears shinny boots, and is really friggen short), but not anymore. My intention was to make him look foolish, but as new information was uncovered, I ended up being the one looking like a fool—a red-faced and short-tempered fool with a penchant for racial epithets, lol.
Anyway. This is some of the best satire I’ve completed in weeks, so please check it out!
Gotcha’, bitch! (Dave Chappelle)
As you all know, Osama Bin Laden is dead, deceased, swimming with the fishes, getting raped by formerly virgin males, and crying so very many tears. Should we rejoice?
Some folks say no. They’ve been reciting fake quotes courtesy of Martin King Jr.—something about the death of a man not being something to celebrate.
Well, I say f**k ‘em.
Look, if Martin Luther King, Jr. had been alive on Sunday, he would have grabbed three of the hottest broads dancing outside the White House and screwed them right there and then. If Jesus had been alive on Sunday, he would have stolen a dollar from a homeless man and used it to buy a Black & Mild. Hell, if the Virgin Mary had been alive on Sunday, she wouldn’t have been a virgin anymore by Monday morning!
We can celebrate, rejoice, and get drunk because Osama got what he deserved. The guy killed and promoted the torture of thousands of people. He’s an über scumbag who got off light, in my opinion. 23-hour lockdown in a cell with OJ Simpson for the rest of his life would have been more appropriate, but what is done is done.
Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t one of the cats bouncing in glee Sunday evening. I took the news solemnly, and I’ve been thinking about it all week. But now that’s it’s the weekend and I have a beer in my hand, it’s time for me to have my own “ID-driven” moment! That said . . .
Ding-Dong! The bitch is dead!
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Or is he?
Who Deserves Credit?
I lot of people deserve credit for Osama’s assassination. Republican Congressman Joe Scarborough put it best in his recent column for Politico, A time to say thanks (Why doesn’t he ever capitalize the verbs and nouns in his article titles?):
"Thank you to the Army, Marine Corps, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard and National Guard. Thank you to America’s intelligence community. Thank you to our first responders, New York’s police and fire departments; former President George W. Bush, former Vice President Dick Cheney and their administration; Rudy Giuliani and America’s mayors and governors; Gens. David Petraeus and Stanley McChrystal and the Joint Chiefs of Staff; Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, White House counter-terrorism adviser John Brennan, Gen. Mike Hayden, CIA Director Leon Panetta, Vice President Joe Biden, FBI Director Robert Mueller, the Obama administration and the Democrats and Republicans who served America’s best interests over the past decade."
I would have appreciated it if he mentioned Obama by name, but it’s okay. Unfortunately, he’s completely wrong. There’s one, and only one person who deserves credit for taking out Osama Bin Laden . . .
On a serious note, I want to thank all the Navy Seals out there. You guys are true-to-life super heroes! Not only are you physically strong, but you’re mentally strong as well. It’s truly very inspirational!
Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff
Professor of Psychology Howard Friedman (USCA Riverside) was on Coast to Coast AM radio last night talking about longevity, as in the factors that contribute to a long-lasting life. The key message I got from him is
Don’t sweat the small stuff, but do sweat the big stuff.
Basically, don’t waste your energy and soul getting angry and riled up over stupid, petty shit. Instead, direct that energy toward taking care of your body, establishing healthy relationships, and building a successful future.
This is an important message that the youth needs to hear. I’m especially concerned about kids and young adults who wander the grimy alleyways of the streets. Street folks tend to get angry very quickly over the pettiest, most meaningless shit. When I used to hang out on the streets—I ain’t from Compton, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t lived in some rough neighborhoods—I noticed them always yelling, bickering, fighting, and getting caught up in endless controversies.
STOP IT!
Focus on shit that really matters. Who cares if that dude said you’re whack. Who cares if one of Bay Bay’s kids threw a tomato at you. Who the hell bloody cares that some wangster is hitting on your woman. Do you trust her? Then lay off, already!
Sometimes, I worry about these kids. It’s all that hippity hoppity “Enema Man” stuff messing with their heads. You know, if someone could combine the grittiness of hiphop with positive lyrics that actually make sense and aren’t self-absorbed, they would have a brilliant combination on their hands.
Some people have tried expressing positive messages with hiphop, but the kids don’t listen because the music and the music videos are whack. They need a fly video with cool cars and cute girls (properly dressed, mind you), not to mention children of different faiths and ethnicities dancing together.
Unfortunately, I don’t think it’ll ever happen. Gangster rappers are too stupid to write meaningful lyrics, and educators are too lacking in style to create hot beats and fly videos. If someone could just breach the barrier, they could propel hiphop into a whole new era of spiritual enlightenment and education!
That’s just my opinion, though.
What Would You Do?
Is it discrimination to not hire someone because he refuses to take off his yamaka at work? I say no. Just like I can't stroll into work with a baseball cap or sagging pants, why should someone be allowed to wear their religious hat? That doesn't make sense to me.
I don't want to encounter religion at a fast food restaurant, which is fair considering that we’re a secular nation. Plus, everybody dresses the same at any job, so why should it be different because of people’s religious beliefs? I know I’m wrong (very wrong), but I’m having difficulty understanding why.
I tell you what, though. If I ever have to get a regular job again, first I’m going to start my own religion and mandate that all worshippers (including me) always wear baggy pants, a blazer, a sideways-tilted hat, a shiny grill, and ice ice baby . . . WHOO . . . HOO!
That’s a stock photo I tried to unstockdify, so that’s why it looks so jacked up.
Landlord To Evict Tenant For Being Too Outstanding
Raleigh, NC landlord Lauren Wastl announced to reporters Wednesday afternoon her intention to serve the best tenant she’s ever had with an eviction notice. The controversial and completely unexpected move came in response to Lauren, 43, discovering that her tenant has not only been washing his own dishes, but also washing the dishes of the other tenants as well.
“What an altruistic son of a bitch!” Lauren exclaimed to reporters, while simultaneously adjusting her bra with one hand and adjusting her panty hose with the other. “It’s one thing to wash your own dishes now and again, which is bad enough, but it’s another thing altogether to wash someone else’s dishes.”
She continued, “Has he no shame!?”
Lauren went on to cite the unnamed tenant’s many other party fouls, which included keeping the residence shiny clean, taking out the neighbors’ trash, regularly changing the light bulbs, providing the other tenants with free cable and Internet services, and complimenting her on her management skills, which the tenant said were are as “polished as that of an MBA executive.”
“What a stinking piece of sissified shit!”
Though Lauren’s attitude seems somewhat cruel and unusual in this day and age, what with the rampant rise in spiritual enlightenment and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavors, it’s not abnormal, according to Dr. Bingham Hall, a professor of sociology at the University of California LA.
“I’ve been studying landlord-tenant relationships for years, and I’ve discovered that though most landlords claim they want mature and respectful tenants, what they really want are lawless tenants who aren’t afraid to treat a residence like they would a porta-potty,” Dr. Hall wrote in “Why Do Good Landlords Like Bad Tenants,” which was featured in the January 2011 edition of Landlordpolitan Magazine.
“The irony is that 85% of landlord-tenant relationships fail within the first year, before the lease is even up, because the landlord finds herself incapable of handling the tenant’s unmanageable behavior. And a whopping 75% of these cases are a result of jealously. The weak, insecure, and fragile landlord tries to attach herself to the big, burly, and unrefined tenant, only to be rejected. This creates a dynamic tension that rocks the very foundation of the leasing contract and provokes the tenant to pack his bags and leave.”
Dr. Hall went on to explain how repeated failures and increasing pressure from the housing authority eventually lead the landlord to do the unthinkable: select a quality tenant. And that’s exactly what happened to Lauren.
“Yeah, I used to lease my residence to gang bangers, drug dealers, and thieves, not to mention Erwin; he was the grooviest pimp I’d ever met,” Lauren said when NBC news reporter Richard Engel brought up Professor Hall’s research. “And yeah, they all ended up leaving, so the housing authority convinced me to lease it to a ‘good guy.’”
“But I’m so sick and tired of this goody-two-shoes shmuck!” she added.
“Look, I want tenants who are bad, unpredictable, and out of control,” Lauren explained, while simultaneously making erotic hand gestures at a scruffy-looking bum who had decided to attend the conference. “Why would I want a wussy tenant who wipes the toilet clean and keeps the seat down, when I could have one with enough balls to just take a shit in the sink and hit the garbage-disposal switch?”
The unnamed tenant may still have a chance, however, if his neighbors testimonies are true. They say that he brought a dog into the community without asking for permission or paying the customary fee. And he has a bad habit of letting the mutt’s poop collect outside for days on end.
“Yeah, I heard about that, and for a second I was so starting to dig the tenant,” Lauren said, shaking her head in dismay, “but then I found out that the only reason he doesn’t pick it up is so that it gets turned into fertilizer when the city mows the lawn.”
She continued, “He really must have no shame!”
Moral of the story #1: Why do good girls like bad guys?
Moral of the story #2: Why do good dog owners like bad dogs?
Moral of the story #3: Why do smart people like stupid shows like Maury?
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That’s it for today. Hope you enjoyed it. Have a nice weekend and be thankful for your husbands, wives, kids, and extremely annoying pets (the damn gold fish keeps swimming around the tank; just stay STILL already!).
PS #1 – I’m really starting to like Will Ferrell. He’s actually pretty darn funny! I swear that when he dies, I will make love to his corpse. It is a tradition among my people—a way to express our love to our most beloved heroes. And you, Mr. Ferrell, are my f**king hero.
PS #2 – I may be moving soon. I don’t want to, but I may have no other choice. I’m not very happy because I love my current home (for MANY reasons), and I don’t want to start over in a new neighborhood around new people. I barely know the people around me as is, but still, it’s my community. My parents have even suggested I move to my brother’s state, but I absolutely refuse to do that. I love Raleigh! Plus, his state is too liberal. Hell, they fine people up there just for littering. I’m a righteous dude and all, but sometimes I like to litter, darnit!
PS #3 – A friend of mine suggested to me that perhaps I’d have an easier time locating a quality woman if I gave up my smoking and drinking habits. NO DUH! However, I plan on going out like my Pops. He used to drink and smoke 2 packs a day. Then when he proposed to my Moms, her father explicitly told him that he would not support the marriage unless my Pops quit the bullshit, so he quit. I plan on doing something like that, though I don’t plan on waiting as long as he did.
Unlike my Pops, however, I’ll be never be the bread-winner. I am meant to be the stay-at-home father who changes diapers, which is so ironic considering how much I despise poop. You know, the fact that poop exists is proof enough for me that God doesn’t exist, but I digress. I want to be the loving, stay-at-home husband who pursues his practically impossible dream of one day becoming a famous writer while changing diapers, cooking meals (I learned to cook delicious drumsticks this week, courtesy of personal Facebook advice from America’s own Masterchef, Miss Whitney Miller; yay for me!), and watching Maury!
PS #4 – There’s a woman I like whom I’ve never in my life met before (please don’t ask me to explain). From the little I know about her (SHUT UP!), she has everything I desire in a woman. She’s intelligent, she really cares about children, she has an innocent spirit, she’s very nice, she’s a very hard worker, and she’s absolutely beautiful.
I’d like to approach her and get to know her, but I’m very afraid that I’ve already ruined any chances I have by being so damn bad and naughty. I’ll always be a smart-ass, but I know I can change some things. I lack the motivation right now, however, because for a long time I was a really good guy, but I was also lonely and miserable. I’m still lonely, but I’m definitely not miserable.
Anyway. Please do not try to read between the lines. I’m just expressing my current emotions because it helps to do as such. Keeping them bottled inside just makes me miserable.
PS #5 – Happy Mother’s Day!
All you Mothers better be thankful I’m not your son! And ya’ll single women pray I never up end your baby daddy! It may seem impossible now, but ya’ll know what alcohol does to a person’s judgment! Speaking of which, can I buy you drink (wink wink)?
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And oh … to all the people who hate America:
You can hate us, but do NOT f**k with us!
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