May 13th | Shoot ‘The People’ (Common ‘The Thug’)

Evening. I hope everybody had a nice week. Before I begin, I want to make some notes.

#1. Last weekend, anxiety over my leasing situation led me to release a Charlie-Sheen-like torrent of angry rants and raves. I’m genuinely sorry about that. I hope nobody took any of it personally. What happens while drunk stays in drunkenland. That’s my motto!

#2. I’m currently under an emotional love spell, so the next few weeks of blog postings may include a lot of “gay,” lovey-dovey crap. Thankfully, this spell hasn’t affected my sharp wit, so keep a keen eye out for some comedy galore.

#3. I wrote a bit about all that “hippity hoppity Enema man crap” last Friday. I had heard through the grapevine that someone I like quite fancies children, so in an attempt to impress her—a pathetic one, at that—I came up with the whole hiphop enlightenment stuff. The truth is that I love gangster/thug rap. Speaking of which, “BRICK SQUADDDDDDDDDD!”

Show Me His Crack Whores!

Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Karl Rove, and a bunch of other loony-tune, right-wing nuts threw a fit this week because President Barack Obama invited rapper Common and r&b singer Jill Scott to the White House for a poetry reading. They even went so far as to label Common a “thug.”

As someone who spent half his childhood aspiring to be a thug, I take great offense to this accusation. Real thugs smoke blunts and Newports, have at least two pitbulls (one of which has had to be lobotomized for biting a white person), and own a minimum of two crack whores. Show me Common’s crack whores. Where are his crack whores? I see no crack whores. Why? Because Common isn’t a thug! He’s just a white guy with a fantastic tan!

On a more serious note, if Sean Hannity and crew think Common is a thug, then they have something else coming to them. I’ve met real thugs, and I assure you that they don’t give a rat’s ass about meaningful lyrics or reaching out to the kids. A real thug believes in three principles: money, power, and respect. Money leads to power; power leads to respect. Disrespect the set and you might get hit with the tech!

This whole situation reminds me of the terms ‘new money’ and ‘old money.’ Our world is ruled by ‘old money’: uptight and self-righteous hypocrites who hate everything related to equality, justice, and the youth. Unfortunately for them, a generation of ‘new money’ is slowly rising up and will one day take over from the Middle East to America and beyond. Unlike our ‘old money’ peers, many of who go to great lengths to hide behind a façade of purported morality and sophisticated class, we ‘new money’ cats aren’t afraid to keep it real all day, every single day.

The point I’m trying to make is that Hannity and his crew of flunkies are stuck-up, self-righteous aristocratic assholes incapable of embracing love and truth. Instead, they thrive on perpetuating an endless stream of hatred. They hate having a black president, they hate having black culture paraded in front of their face, and they hate the direction this country is going—toward true freedom and equality for all. Unbeknownst to them, they’ve already lost the battle. No election or law is going to be able to stop my generation from one day rising up and taking over.

This isn’t a rant against old people, because some of the coolest people on Earth are outrageously old, i.e., Mike Barnicle. This is a rant against the bourgeois. In particular, it’s a rant against those who think they’re better than everybody else. Yes, Jill Scott and Common have been known to sing questionable lyrics, and yes, it’s possible that Common has smoked a spliff once or twice. However, that doesn’t mean in any way, shape, or form that Jill Scott and Common are “trash”!

Anyway. Before ending this bit, I’d like to give a shout-out to all the real thugs.



WEST SIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

The New Bad, Bad Leroy Brown

Speaking of very cool but practically deceased old people, Mike Barnicle laid the smack down this Wednesday:

"He [Newt Gingrich] is a delusional loser with an intellectual chip on his shoulder. That might be his biggest handicap in terms of the public. He has this habit, this way of prattling on about all of the ideas, the new ideas that he comes up with for our political system. And it’s because probably he went to like East Overshoe College or something and wants to prove that he’s smarter than anybody from the Northeast – from Harvard. He is just ridiculous. This is ridiculous. His candidacy is a joke."

Agreed! Newt is nothing more than a sly-talking car salesman. He’s the type of guy who would try to sell you a run-down, piece-of-shit car by claiming he once used it to visit his former wife in the hospital while she was recovering from cancer surgery. Of course, he would completely fail to mention that all the carbon monoxide leaking from the car screwed his brain up so badly that when he finally reached her, he used the opportunity to discuss the details of their divorce!!!

Brief News: Sean Hannity Looks Into The Mirror For The First Time And Is Shocked At What He Discovers

Early Friday morning, Fox News correspondent Sean Hannity did the unthinkable. He walked into a restroom at the Fox News Headquarters, took off his customary blindfold, and finally mustered up enough courage to look into a mirror.



“Oh my God . . . I’m an ass!” Hannity was heard yelling by his Fox News peers.

According to Hannity’s assistant, Eileen, his mother strictly forbade him from ever looking into a mirror on the basis that “mirrors are for Hollywood-type liberals who’re obsessed with vanity.”

“She obviously told Sean that to protect him because he’s an ass,” Eileen told reporters. “But he started growing more and more restless; I guess he just couldn’t stand not knowing what he really is anymore.”

“I tried to persuade him not to go through with it, but his mind was already made up,” she added.

Fox News released a press release late Thursday evening claiming that Hannity has since come to terms with his shocking discovery, but an undercover report by MSNBC correspondent Richard Engel suggests otherwise.

“I heard through the grapevine that he’s planning to have his ‘mouth’ sewed shut because ‘the Constitution doesn’t say anything about the separation of butt and hole,’” Engel claimed.

In related news, Rush Limbaugh just discovered that he’s in fact a big, giant dick.

Fact of the story: The thing in the mirror is a Coco De Mer. It's the biggest nut in the world. I thought it most fitting, especially since it’s a nut that looks like an ass :-).

Moral of the story: I do not like this men, and I’m not just saying this out my ass. I hate lovey-dovey, r&b music right now, so whenever K97.5 plays it, I switch over to the conservative station for a bit. Trust me when I say the get is a royal douche!

Interesting Facts: Why It’s So Hard To Find a GF On OkCupid

The average man is facing an uphill battle finding love these days. He has given up searching for it in the real world, so he looks for it on OkCupid instead. Unfortunately, he has no success, and here are some of the reasons why:



1/10th of online girls are so obese the man has to scroll the screen to view their entire body.

1/10th of online girls are so ugly that even the man’s dog is forced to look away from the screen.

1/10th of online girls are bisexuals.

1/10th of online girls are bisexuals who already have a bf but would like a gf to join in on the fun.

1/10th of online girls claim to be straight, though they sport way-too-short, lesbianish hardoes.

1/10th of online girls take fictional characters and stories way too seriously.

1/10th of online girls have the muscular physique of a man.

1/10th of online girls have tattoos and earrings in places they’re not supposed to have tattoos and earrings!

1/10th of online girls are into drugs, alcohol, and smoking.

1/10th of online girls are too insipid to write anything on their profile.

Moral of the story: Finding love online is a bitch! And most of the women I encounter online are . . . LOL, j/k! (angel face)

Apology of the story: I’m genuinely sorry to have used Rosie O’Donnell for the associated pic. I respect her and think she’s a very sweet woman, but I think her heart is in the wrong place when it comes to Bin Laden.

Tin Man Returns To The Emerald City To Petition for Cardiac Surgery

The notorious Tin Man, whose 1939 journey to the Emerald City with Kansas farm girl Dorothy Gale was chronicled in the movie “The Wizard of Oz,” made a surprise return visit to the city late Thursday afternoon. During a press conference held later that evening alongside the yellow brick road, he revealed to reporters his intention to petition the Wizard of Oz, MD, to remove his heart.



“I have been living 72 stinking years with this piece of crap heart, and I’m sick and tired of it,” the Tin Man said, while simultaneously squirting oil into his mouth to keep himself lubricated. “I thought it would be great to have a heart, but all it has ever brought me is pain.”

He continued, “I keep falling for Tin Girls who aren’t interested in me, the few quality friends I make whom I actually like never stick around, and every friggen time I accidentally step on a stupid-ass ant, I feel compelled to burst into tears. It sucks, bro!”

The Tin Man went on to explain how, after obtaining a heart in 1939, he moved to Winkie County, started attending the local university, and began searching for suitable friends and a “kickass” mate.

“I tried for years to attract a quality Tin Girl, but they always found me to be a tad bit too rusty, which is total bullshit because it’s not my fault I was forged from some really cheap-ass tin.”

After a heart-wrenching rejection in 1963—during which a Tin Girl to whom he had written a sweet love letter to freaked out, burned the letter, and said that he’s a loser “unworthy” of her time—the Tin Man became so disillusioned and embittered that he sought the friendship, love, and guidance of the only Tin People who were willing to accept him: the R2D2-13 gang.

Under their tutelage, he learned how to scrub rust off himself by using a brush caked in marijuana resin, lubricate his creaking joints by pouring alcohol on them, and fix any broken tin ligaments by stealing new ones from the Winkie County Prosthetics Laboratory.

“What we were doing was really wrong and got us into a lot of trouble, but I didn’t care at the time because for once in my life I felt like I actually belonged,” the Tin Man said, dabbing at his eyes with an oilkerchief. “I was always on the go, meeting new Tin People, making really great jokes, and just living it up, man.”

Soon after, the R2D2-13s introduced the Tin Man to one of their Tin Hoes, a young and bosomous Tin Broad with a penchant for “money, mo’ money, and even mo’ money.”

“I had a lot of student loan money at the time, so she latched on and showed me the love and attention I wanted, and so I fell in love,” he continued. “She introduced me to Tin Sex and something called a Bulgarian Tin Dive, but it wasn’t meant to be; she was a wild, party girl who just wanted to make money and spend it, while I meanwhile was slowly maturing and realizing I wanted more out of my measly Tin life.”

After the termination of his relationship with the Tin Broad, as well as his friendship with the R2D2-13s (many of whom have since run out of oil), the Tin Man gradually got his life together by completing his education, finding gainful employment, and developing fiscal responsibility. He now lives his life as a responsible, tax-paying Tin citizen of Oz.

“Yep, I have the whole wide world going for me now,” the Tin Man commented, rolling his Tin eyes. “It’s true that I have money and feel a certain degree of success, but it means nothing without a quality Tin Girl by my side; a few friends would be nice too, but my Tin Girl will always be my number one BFF.”

“You know, sometimes I want nothing more than to just go back to the days when I didn’t have a care in the world—when I prowled the streets of Winkie County with the R2D-13s and had sex with hot Tin Hoes.”

The accumulation of all these painful emotions is what led the Tin Man back to Oz. If he’s able to convince the Wizard of Oz, MD, to remove his heart, then he’ll finally be able to live his life in peace—“a life without stupid emotions like loneliness, infatuation, anxiety, and fear.”

He added, “Plus, it would be really friggen nice to be able to eat burgers and fries everyday without having to worry about having a heart attack!”

Fact of the story: This tale is an exaggerated version of my life.

Moral of the story: I would gladly trade in my organic heart for an electrical one instead. Keep in mind I’m speaking metaphorically, because the heart has absolutely nothing to do with one’s emotions.

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I hope you guys enjoyed that! Some of it came from the heart, while the rest of it came from pure annoyance (HANNITY!).

PS #1 –

Go str8 to hell @ all the scummy oil-company execs refusing to give up their TAXPAYER-FUNDED subsidies and take part in shared sacrifice because they believe in “shared prosperity”—aka screwing over the citizens of the United States of America. You call us un-American? Bitch please. My oddly shaped and moley dick is more American than you bitch-ass frauds!

PS #2 –

When I went to the grocery store earlier this week, I encountered a father with his son. What’s interesting is that the two were practically stalking me, in that they bought everything I bought—milk, cottage cheese, juice, etc. You know what this means, right? I have fatherly instincts :-)! Yep, I was meant to be a father. It’s clear as crystal day, son!

PS #3 –

I’ll be moving very soon. My landlord is a nice guy, but he’s not a people person—and he’s managed to drive all the other tenants out of here. It sucks because I really enjoyed the company of my most recent roomie. He was a nice, young fellow with whom I could relate. He had gangsterish tendencies, but he was also smart, articulate, and a first-class ladies’ man!

Anyway. I’ll be the next and last one to go. Even if I were to convince the landlord to let me lease the whole home, I just can’t afford it!!! If anyone in my neighborhood needs a roomie, please contact me. And trust me when I say that money is no concern. So if you want an extra $750.00/month in your life, hollatcha’ boy.

Keep in mind I have a dog, I smoke (I can stop), and I have a weight set that MUST come with me—even if I have to store it in my bedroom. I’d rather sleep on the floor than lose the one thing that keeps me emotionally and physically healthy.

PS #4 –

My brother is so desperate to be “close” (he’s as much a girl as Robert Barone; YUCK!) that he has offered to buy me a townhouse down the street from him. The goal is for me to manage the home until my parents retire, at which point I should have enough money to buy my own place.

This sounds ridiculous for an Agnostic to say, but I believe God intended for me to stay here. Back in late 2004 / early 2005, my life was falling apart. I got suspended from college (don’t ask), I was doped up on pills, and I had no hope. One day I wrote down a prayer asking God to bring a woman into my life who would change it forever—one with whom I could spend the rest of my life with, in a big home on a big hill with a big backyard.

Really soon after, I met someone online, for whom I came to Raleigh. That “relationship” didn’t work out, but I’ve been much happier here than I ever was back in my hometown. Yeah, I could live like Ray Barone one day with my brother and parents next door to me, but after having spent months paying close attention to Barone’s teachings, why the hell would I want to purposefully expose myself to such horror!?

PS #5 –

I know some people out there are thinking, “Get help!” No offense, but f**k you. As someone with Asperger’s Syndrome, I’ve been forced all my life to talk to counselors and therapists. As far as I’m concerned, they’re all a bunch of loudmouth idiots (no offense @ Diana, the old dude, and that one chick, lol). In fact, my most recent counselor admitted to me that I’m “too smart” for this crap. Hell, I can read and digest a therapist’s soul before he or she is even able to figure out how to properly pronounce my name. I don’t need help; what I need is a woman.

Let me put it in Laymen’s terms:

I have a penis and it needs to BANG!

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Yeah, I SAID IT!

FYI – My penis has never and it will never bang YOU, Stewie. So in the words of former United States Senator John Ensign's spiritual advisor, Tim Coe, "Put your pants on and leave!"

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Night all. And again, be thankful for your spouse, bf, or girl, and don’t you f**king dare cheat on them! I have a zero tolerance policy toward cheaters!

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This broadcast was brought to you courtesy of K97.5, the greatest hip-hop radio station on the planet!



This broadcast was also brought to you by Willie Geist, the biggest geek on the entire planet :-)!