Okay. So let me do a quick Thanksgiving post. This will be composed of a lot of satirical, not-to-be-taken-seriously stuff. If you see a star, it is merely a reminder of what I just said. Some of it may be serious.
#1. I’m thankful for my stupid, annoying and stubborn-as-hell dog. I hate her at times, but she is in essence my best friend, though I certainly am not the same to her slutty, wanna-lick-everybody’s-hand ass.
#2. I’m thankful to live in a residence where I can drink, light up and live, though it is with a conservative who intimidates the hell out of me and weighs more than me but looks leaner and more muscular than me even though he never works out!
#3. I’m thankful to have a gig that keeps my bills paid and my fridge full, though it offers no paid vacations, is coming to an end within a month or two and entails sometimes writing about some of the most boring crap on Earth.
#4. I’m thankful that I have legs to run with, hands to type with and a mind to think with, though my legs are so weak they cannot squat 250, my hands are so weak I have to use two of them to masturbate and my mind is so whacked out that I literally act like the people on TV can see and hear me when I watch a live program.
#5. I’m thankful my two loving parents are still alive, well and always ready to help me through rough spells, though the $450,000 in insurance money I would earn if they died would be a whole lot more helpful to me at the moment. *
#6. I’m thankful that I know and appreciate the value of personality, inner beauty and substance over material things and external facades, though it’s a shame I’m so unbelievably repelled by fat, ugly women — especially the ones with mustaches.
#7. I’m thankful as hell I’m smart enough to pirate any and all corporate goods I desire, including pictures, games, software, movies, TV shows and BEAVIS N BUTTHEAD (up yours MTV), though pirating TV shows cuts into my favorite shows’ ratings, and thus only helps them get cancelled.
#8. I’m thankful to find happiness during the weekdays by paying attention to politics and getting paid to write tech-related articles, though I would much rather get paid to pay attention to and write about one of my true loves, politics.
#9. I’m thankful as hell that I am alive and liked by many, but I would trade every single thing I have for the chance to be loved by the woman of my dreams, whomever she may be, for living this life without a woman by my side really sucks.
#10. I’m thankful as hell to live in a beautiful, great country wherein any man or woman of any race, creed or ethnicity can rise up and achieve the American dream, though prejudices still run strong and America isn’t even slightly ready to embrace an Asian, Muslim or homosexual president.
Have a great Thanksgiving, everybody.
And oh, check out Kreayshawn. Yes, she is a white rapper, but she, much like Carter Johnson (fast forward to 1:05), isn’t afraid to be herself, and I respect the flying f**k out of that! And if you don’t, then eat me!
WARNING: I taste horrible!
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