Friday, September 24th | Hate on Me (Jill Scott)

Evening! I’m ultra bored and ultra thoughtful, so this may be ultra long. If you want to read it, go ahead. If not, it’s all good because I genuinely enjoyed writing it.

Anyway. This has been one strange week. I could have sworn the police were stalking me. Either that or a major bust is about to go down. All week long I saw Sheriffs, Detectives, Sergeants, and I think I even saw Lieutenant Dangle. He was hanging out with some guy outside Priscilla's sex-toy shop on Capital Boulevard. Hmm…. weird.

And then just yesterday, while I was being driven to the Doctor, some women in a really big van yelled out, “You ain’t as good as u think you are!” as her husband screamed, “Yeah, fa**ot mother***ker!” Uh, well, just to let you know, you ain’t as good LOOKIN as u think you are! (My dog yells, “Yeah, fatass mother***ker!”) Damn straight we said it, boo boo! Now what!? ;-) And yes, that really happened, though I pretended like I was deaf because I wasn’t about to get shot!

I don’t know what she’s talking about though because I know for a fact that I’m a heathen destined to spend eternity in hell, sitting alongside Christine O'donnell as old, lustful men masturbate over and over again (and you wonder why I’m afraid to get shot!). Hopefully she’ll be able to cast a spell to get us out of there, assuming of course Satan lets her keep her reagents.

Before I begin, I want to thank the angry Lady for inspiring the following blog. Her ever so poignant rant helped jumpstart my Uranus HD II Engine (digital camera reference). So for that, thank you, you crazy-ass psycho broad ;-) Sorry Ma, but how the heck you gon’ just go off on a brother like that?

Squash It

Two weeks ago MTV began airing a brand new reality show called ‘World of Jenks.’ It’s a documentary/reality show in which this young filmmaker, Andrew Jenks, spends each week with a different person. In the first very episode, which premiered on September 13th, Jenks spent a week with notorious rapper Maino.

For the first 30 minutes or so, Jenks watched in awe as Maino partied and performed nonstop like a rapstar. Then during one brief scene, Maino took Jenks along as he picked up his son from school—during which Maino spent more time signing autographs than he did with his own son. They then immediately returned to partying yet again.

Then later while hanging out in some sort of backstage lounge, Jenks bravely pointed out that though many people look up to Maino, all the man ever does is party. And truthfully, that’s a very fair and astute observation, or so I thought. Maino apparently disagreed, as he promptly caught an attitude. Not only did he refuse to answer the question, but he began to behave like a goon. First he choked Jenks, and then he bitch-slapped him. The basis for all this animosity was that this ‘punk cracker’ or whatnot had no comprehension of all that Maino had been through—particularly his 10-year stint in prison.

First of all, Mr. Maino, spending 10 years in the penitentiary for something YOU DID WRONG is not having it hard. Living with cancer or HIV… that’s hard! Being born with cerebral palsy… that’s hard! Taking care of severely autistic children… that’s hard! Having your legs blown off while fighting overseas… that’s hard! Acting like you’re some sort of untouchable Goliath on the premise that your past experiences make you immune to criticism isn’t hard… it’s just plain ignorant! (I said it, yes I mother***king did!)

This whole scene especially affected me because I’ve been in this sort of situation before—wherein I merely sought to discuss a situation rationally, but was physically attacked by a thug with a victim complex. The irony is that individuals like this rely on the argument that “you’re talking too much” and that “you don’t understand what you’re talking about.” So your solution is to become physical, Maino? If that’s all you’re capable of doing, then you, Sir, don’t understand a single damn thing your own self!

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy Maino’s music, but I’ve lost a lot of respect for him as a person. Except for the case of self-defense, no man has the right to ever lay his hands on another man, woman, or child. It’s absolutely unacceptable and I will not tolerate it. If you want to be treated with respect, then you must treat others with respect. Maino was more than welcome to become ‘verbally defensive’, but he had no right whatsoever to physically attack Jenks.

This whole situation has me in a paradox of sorts. I absolutely adore rap music and the hiphop culture, but I fear that many of the rappers I like are just as bad as Maino. Though they have clearly risen up from poverty, many of them still retain the same contorted belief systems that helped them navigate the hood. The problem is that the same rules that apply to the streets have no merit in the real world. “Beating a trick” or “stomping a hater” might work in that world, but it has no place anywhere else—except of course the Mob.

So to all you hotheaded young-bucks out there who believe in combating criticism with violence, I sincerely urge you to rethink your belief systems. Why not just squash it? Or better yet, if you’re up to it, why not grab a breath of fresh air, return to the scene, sit down, and have a rational discussion? It may sound corny or ‘gay,’ but I promise you that utilizing violence to intimidate others won’t get you very far in life. If you’re not willing to change your ways, then I suggest you begin saving up a commissary fund because you’re likely going to end up in prison!

So if you can’t handle it, then just SQUASH IT…



Kind of like that dog is squashing that baby… yeah.

Give a Brother a Break!

Note: This post is for Obama supporters. If you hate Obama, then keep on! Otherwise, take a moment to holler at your boy.

Many people, including Jon Stewart, are unhappy with President Obama. They’re disappointed at Obama’s inability to bring forth the radical changes that they had anticipated he would. Personally, I am not one of these people. Though I was overcome with ecstasy when he won the presidency, I knew from the beginning that the process of change would be painstakingly slow. Meaningful legislation can take decades and sometimes even an entire lifetime to pass. This is because our government relies on a system of checks and balances, a fundamental part of our constitution that ensures no one person or branch of the government ever becomes too powerful.

You see, we the people control who’s elected into office. So if the majority of the country is leaning toward the left, we’re more likely to have a liberal government—and vice versa. However, a majority in the executive, judicial, and legislative branches doesn’t necessarily mean change will be easy and swift. For every bill, there’s a potential appeal. And even if a bill does pass, it could easily be undone. Suffice it to say, the whole process of enacting legislation is a straight-up pain in the ass. But it’s like this for a season.

As an example, take for instance the case of a man who is sentenced to Death Row. You’d expect him to be lugged directly to the electric chamber, yes? Well, that’s not how it works. It can take over a decade for an inmate to finally be executed, as he is in his every right to appeal the ruling and ask for a retrial. The entire process is slow and tedious, but fundamental—lest an innocent man be executed.

In the same way, it’s imperative that our various branches of government ‘check’ and ‘balance’ each another. This prevents one single ideology from taking over. Yes, I’d love to see a single-payer healthcare system, but there are numerous people in this country who disagree. And though it’s annoying (like you wouldn’t believe), it’s nonetheless absolutely mandatory that their voices be represented as well. This means that achieving true healthcare could take decades longer to achieve, but when we do finally achieve it, it’s more likely that we’ll all be in unison.

It’s kind of like the whole marijuana debate. Every 10 years or so, we get just a tad bit closer to fully legalizing it. Each year more and more people and jumping on the bandwagon. Hopefully, the same thing will happen with healthcare!

Anyway. Another complaint about Obama is his purportedly poor dialogue. Admittedly, I wouldn’t mind seeing him being more direct and militant, but I support his choice to do otherwise. Perhaps I’m wrong, but it seems wiser to be diplomatic rather than a rude ass—especially in politics. Heck, I’m just a bored loner who likes to blog on craigslist, yet even I must follow the rules of diplomacy. Though Republicans irritate me to no end at times, I can’t just come out and say, “F*** you corn-husking, trailer-park flunkies!” If I were to do that, I would be flagged quicker than beer turns to piss. By the same token, Obama must carefully watch what he says and how he says it, lest he alienate the very people he’s sworn to represent.

You know, though it’s good to have the balls to be ‘real’ and upfront, it’s also important to be tactful. The difficulty is in choosing one’s battles. I appreciate Obama calling Ahmadinejad out for being hateful, but I do kind of wish he would put forth just as much zeal into other issues like healthcare, gay rights, and immigration. But hey, it’s hard as hell to be assertive with one’s stance without offending others. And it’s for that very reason that I’m glad beyond belief that I’m not President!

The Modern Grease

I take it that the older generations aren’t too fond of hiphop. They likely scratch their heads in confusion as they witness us yunglings flashing our jewelry, riding around in ‘pimped-out’ rides, and smacking the butts of hot, bootylicious broads. So today I want to put the hiphop culture into perspective for them.

Do you remember Grease? First of all, I admit that I’ve never seen it. However, since it’s so representative of 20th-century culture, I absolutely intend to watch it sometime in the future. Keep in mind though that movies like ‘Coolie High’ and ‘Cornbread, Earl, and Me’ are also just as relevant to this period of American history.

Anyway. Though I haven’t seen Grease, I did a little research on it and discovered some interesting sub-themes such as style & swagger, pretty girls, nice cars, fancy clothes, and even wild & funky dancing. And well, these themes seem to bear a striking resemble to modern hiphop culture. We love to wear cool brand name outfits, ride around town in cars with Lamborghini doors and spinning rims, race our friends on empty city streets, and dance our butts off!

Don’t get me wrong. I completely understand why they don’t care for hiphop. I’m only 28, yet I oftentimes find myself shaking my head at these 15-year-old kids dancing to the ‘Stanky Leg.’ Excuse me, but if you have a stanky leg, then perhaps you should take a bath! :-) JUST KIDDING! But seriously, music tends to be generational. Each generation passes on a bevy of really spectacular songs that blow everyone away—but each generation also has its fair share of cultural behaviorisms and what could be perceived as ‘mediocre’ music that eventually disappears like a fad.

My point is that though our sense of style and swagger has certainly changed, we’re really not all that different. It may seem otherwise if you read the news everyday, but I believe that’s merely because 24/7 media coverage didn’t exist 30 years ago. Nowadays any small little headline—gang-banger shoots other gang-banger—becomes a headline in less than an hour. Don’t let that fool you, though. We’re not all a bunch of stupid rugrats who refuse to work and are obsessed with stardom. A lot of us are just young kids who happen to have a passion for hiphop music and culture. And yes, we’re older than you guys were, but hey…. 30s are the new 20s, baby!

There is one thing I must say, though. When it comes to hot girls and fly cars, we soooooooo got you suckers beat, biatch!

This is ya’ll:



This is us:



Yeahhhhh, baby!

I will admit though that our girls are a just a tad bit chunkier than ya’lls were, but obesity is a problem affecting the entire country, so don’t judge!

Ahmadinejad is a Ding Dong

Sighs. Ahmadingdong *cough tag* I mean Ahmadinejad *end cough tag* really irritates me. The man is clearly not stupid, but he certainly acts otherwise.

First of all, he’s upset that Obama never replied to some letter he wrote. His belief is that Obama should have at least said hello. To be honest, I kind of understand his sentiment because I personally cannot stand waving or saying hello to somebody on the sidewalk, only to be totally ignored. HOW RUDE! However, I’d rather be rejected than have the individual in question burst into a tirade about how I supposedly stepped on and broke their toe. Dude… you have on steel-toed boots!

My point is that until Ahmadinejad stops making false allegations—the Holocaust never occurred, 9/11 was an inside job, President Obama ran a train on his mother—neither I nor anyone else on this bloody planet will take his stupid-ass seriously. And on a side note, I would greatly appreciate it if he’d shave that beard because I frankly do not appreciate him stealing Jon Stewart’s look!

The sad thing is that he has some good ideas. He wrote a long letter several years ago that I quite fancied. He wrote about how it disturbed him that most of the Earth’s resources are allocated only to a few select countries. I kind of understood what he was saying. The problem is that he has no tact whatsoever—and this is coming from the most tactless bastard on Earth. Speaking of which, I need to go take a shit.

--- Jeopardy Music ---

--- Flush ---

--- Jeopardy Music ---

Sorry about that. Oh wait, I forgot to wash my hands! BRB!

--- Jeopardy Music ---

--- Water Running ---

--- Jeopardy Music ---

Okay. So where was I?

Mixing and Matching

I support the Dream Act and I believe that the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy should be revoked, but I don’t understand why these issues have been mixed in with the defense reauthorization bill. Isn’t it possible for them to simply vote on each individual issue separately? Throwing together 30-billion unrelated amendments makes zero sense whatsoever. It’s like trying to get one’s penis enlarged, only to be told that such surgery also requires that one’s balls be chopped off and a tube be permanently inserted into one’s rectum

Excuse me, but can ya’ll just make a brotha’s dick bigger!? I'm tired of being made fun of...



November Elections

So how many of you folks are ready for the November elections? I know I’m certainly not even close to being prepared. Unlike past years in which I just voted for Democrats, this year I intend to properly research every candidate. I refuse to be a victim to ideology, which is why I urge you to begin studying your local candidates to determine which individuals best represent your interests.

Look, this isn’t a black and white world. And neither is it a Democrat versus Republican world. It’s a complicated world full of complicated issues. So if you go in and just vote one side without first doing your research, you are doing your country and this world a major disservice!

Take Our Jobs

This week Stephen Colbert addressed congress on behalf of illegal farmworkers. From what I can tell, he believes that Americans aren’t interested in doing the type of work these men are ‘hired’ to complete. And he’s right. We’re not willing too… but that’s because we won’t work for any less than the federally mandated minimum wage. Plus if we put in 40+ works a week, we expect to be compensated with benefits and overtime.

So I understand that these farmworkers are completing tasks the rest of us would rather not do, but that’s only because they’re doing it illegally—and under illegal provisions. I honestly wouldn’t mind offering them a chance to become legal citizens, but once again I must ask, what would stop others from doing the same thing? Couldn’t billions of ‘farmworkers’ come pouring through our borders afterward for a chance to do work and become legal? I hate to say this phrase that my Mom and Dad utter on a daily basis, but “there is a limit to everything.”

Sighs.

Anyway. I do however support the DREAM Act because as I’ve previously stated, I don’t want to punish the children of illegal immigrants. So long as they pay their own way through college (assuming they don’t go for the military option), it’s all good with me!

God Bless my Bubble-Butt Ass

I still don’t understand the concern over gays in the military. Personally I would rather fight alongside a gay man who found me attractive, because at least I know he’d do everything in his power to keep my sweet, fine ass safe from harm’s way!

Plus it’s not like giving gay people rights will make all our future children gay. Believe it or not, but offering them the same civil liberties we have isn’t going to turn our children any gayer than they already are…



I’m not a homophobe or anything, but my future children are sooooo not ever playing the piano!

------------------

Well, that’s it for today. The following are brief PS(s) that didn’t really deserve their own section. Enjoy!

PS #1. I would rather a woman say “You’re genuinely funny” to me, than a woman say, “I want to fuck you.” Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to fuck, but with fucking comes many pressures. Will I perform well? Is it big enough? Will she disturbed by all the moles on it? It's just so stressful! That's why I'd rather first build a relationship and then fuck 2 weeks later (hahah). I need time to get to know a woman and learn to be comfortable around her.

PS #2. This week Baisden asked, “Finish the sentence…. You know a man is gay when”

You know a man is gay when the bathroom smells like peaches after he took a dump—and no, he didn’t use air freshner!

You know a man is gay when the song 'Doing da Butt' comes on and he starts popping his booty like a woman.

You know a man is gay when he don't just trim the hedges.... he dyes them purple!

PS #3. It’s a good thing the original ‘Law n Order’ ended because it stood no chance against ‘The Whole Truth.” This show blew me the f*** away! It is GROUNDBREAKING! We’ve seen a show tackle the DA and we’ve seen a show tackle the Defense. But we’ve NEVER seen a show tackle both! Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. By the way, I too would have voted guilty! If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s either a duck or a mentally retarded and disfigured dog.

PS #4. Did any of you catch ‘Outlaw’ tonight? You Republicans would have really liked it. Ol’ boy decided to defend a white cop who was being charged with shooting a citizen whom he thought was illegal. The reason he shot the punk was because the guy threatened the cop’s life. Everybody else jumped on the racial-profiling background, whereas ol’ boy decided to go for the TRUTH.

And yes, I did bitch earlier this week about racial profiling. But it was Monday, a day during which I am the biggest heterosexual bitch on Earth! On Mondays I’m like Perez Hilton, except with a virgin ass! Anyway. Racial profiling does occur, but in this instance, the cop was just doing his job. He saw a guy hanging out in the middle of the street at 10am, and two miles from the border. What would you do? And how would you react if the guy threatened you?

The beauty of this episode is that the defense attorney chose, against the advice of his counsel, to put together a mainly Hispanic/Latino jury. And amazingly enough, they acquitted the officer. If a jury of white men had acquitted, it wouldn’t have really meant anything. But that these Hispanics and Latinos saw through the black/white façade and really understood the issue goes far to prove a point—though it was all fiction.

PS #5. I LOVE BILL MAHER! If you don't like him, then in the quoted out of context words of Jon Stewart, "SUCKKKKK IT!"

Friday, September 17th | Chimes of Freedom (Bob Dylan)

Let me just start off by saying that I don’t really listen to Bob Dylan because his music doesn’t really do all that much for me. As Dave Chappelle once revealed, black men like me like the drums. And a song without drums just ain’t a song to us!

Nonetheless, this week I was inspired to learn more about Mr. Dylan after hearing Sean Wilentz, author of Bob Dylan in America, speak on the Colbert Report about him. But while performing a google search, I was shocked to discover that Bob Dylan is white, as I had always thought he was a brotha!

To confirm my discovery, I logged into facebook and wrote, “Yo… Bob Dylan ain’t black?” And boy, oh boy, did my white friends really give it to me! So to make it up to them, and to give honor to this great and very talented white man, today I present to you one of Mr. Dylan’s most coveted songs. I hope you like it.

And oh, this one time and one time only, I humbly mumble in the middle of a road full of lots of really loud motorcycles, “White power.” ;-)



What did you think I meant? Get your minds out the gutter! Hey… my teeth may look like shit, but yours don’t have to!

Anyway.

It’s Feel Good Friday and the official beginning of the fall season. America’s Got Talent, Top Chef, and MasterChef are sadly over, but a slew of other projects are either starting or returning, including House, Hell’s Kitchen, Outlaw (the blonde chick is like a gift from heaven!), Celebrity Rehab (featuring Keyshia Cole's mother, Frankie), Community, the Office, 30 Rock, Outsourced (if this show was at all inspired by the blog that I wrote back in January, then I want my got dang commission check), etc. Regardless, it’s time to pull out the winter clothing because the seasons are changing—and they’re changing fast!

So today I’m going to take various comments I made this week on the net, and piece them together into various blog sections. I’m not too passionate about anything at the moment, so this isn’t a post meant to be taken all that seriously. If anything, this is just me (Microsoft Word thinks I should replace me with I…. friggen computers) intellectualizing for the purpose of keeping my brain from getting any duller than it already has become.

Chimes of Freedom

This week Jon Stewart sort of argued with Tony Blair about our war on terror. From what I could tell, he was trying to equate our efforts to stamp out all terrorists with a homeowner’s futile attempt to permanently rid his home of cockroaches. No matter how many ‘bombs’ the homeowner places, at least one sneaky roach will always remain.

I humbly disagree with Jon’s conclusion, assuming of course that my interpretation of Jon’s example is correct. From what I can tell, Jon believes in the ‘Prime Directive,’ a fictional Star Trek concept that when applied to real life translates to: “There shall be no interference with the development of said nation.” Basically we should just mind our own beeswax. There’s a big problem with this stance, though.

Look at it this way. Suppose you live in a quaint uptown apartment when suddenly a lazy, messy bastard moves into the apartment adjacent to yours. His inability to maintain a clean home is entirely his own concern, you say. However, his refusal to clean soon leads to a colony of cockroaches forming in his apartment. Less than a week later the colony begins to leak over into your own apartment.

Granted, you’ve always had to squash a roach now and again. But suddenly the situation has grown so drastic that you must lay ‘bombs’ everywhere. Plus you can’t even invite your girlfriend over, lest she stumble on a band of roaches and freak out. So what are you to do?

You can keep living in a state of perpetual fear and enhanced security measures—or you can go straight to the root of the problem. This entails forcing the said homeowner to have his home exterminated, whether by complaining to the landlord, or just punching him in his face. And yes, a few cockroaches will still remain in the building even after you’ve taken action. However, a few are much better than a lot. Suffice it to say, there's a big difference between letting a few roaches run free, versus allowing an entire colony to thrive.

I believe the same principle applies to the way in which we are handling the fanatics that litter the Middle East. Though we entered this war on false pretenses, I’m nonetheless glad we did—and for that, I thank you former President Bush. And tomorrow Afghanistan will hold its second parliamentary elections since the Taliban lost power. They still have a long way to go before they become a true democracy, but hey… none of it would be happening if it weren’t for our ‘interference.’ Plus just think of how much better life will be for all the future great-great-great-grand-children of current-day Iraqis and Afghanis. If all works out according to plan, they’ll have available all the opportunities that we blatantly take for granted.

I know though these wars are costing us a lot of money—much of which has sadly been wasted on private contracts—not to mention the lives of so many outstanding young men and women. However, I’m one of those people who believe war is a necessary evil. Keep in mind that in no way, shape, or form do I equate our war on terror with a war on Islam or women who cover themselves up. In fact, the latter relates only to my own personal war against women in general. To all women who cover their faces, wear long skirts, or refuse to show their cleavage, I steadfastly proclaim, “Take off your clothes, damnit!”

Seriously though, maybe I’m just a naïve dumbass, but I sincerely believe that our efforts in the Middle East aren’t in vain—though admittedly it may take decades before true stability is achieved. Regardless, I dream of the day terrorists put down their arms because they finally realize that they need not die to get 72 virgins. They need merely stroll down the street of Democracy until they reach Grabbir Boubi’s House of Whores.

God Bless democracy!

And oh… I know I went against the sacred words of Jon Stewart (*chants like an American Indian: huma hama dama obama*), but I am NOT THE WHITE MAN’S BITCH!

I am the Great Cornholio!

I’m a very religion-friendly agnostic, but I’m getting exceedingly fed up with all the religious bickering.

I sincerely feel like purchasing one copy each of all of humanity’s most sacred texts—the Bible, the Qu’ran, the Koran (is there a difference?), the Bagvadhgita, 'How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men,’ and the Torah—and then cutting out all the pages and taping them together into the longest and most holy toilet paper ever friggen manufactured.

Charmin’ wit lotion?

Buck that…

I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I need holy TP for my Holy Bunghole!



Umma Do Me… You Do You

People complain about celebrities who use some of their free time to take on political or humanitarian causes. They say that being an actor doesn’t give them the right to get into politics or whatnot.

Get the hell out of here! This is the United States of America. Everyone is entitled to do as much as they can handle! If a woman wants to bake a cake (be a Mom in the morning), run the town (be a mayor during the day), AND drop it like its hot (be a stripper at night), then gon’ with it, girlfriend! Mind you she likely won’t get elected, but it sure as hell is her right to at least try! And you know that’s right!

The Truth is Out There

So a few weeks ago I stumbled on ‘Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman’ on the Science Channel. And then earlier this week, while walking my dog, I played around with my awesome radio’s DIGITAL dial and stumbled upon ‘Coast to Coast AM’ radio. The former is a hip science documentary, whereas the latter is an over-the-air forum for paranormal activity, conspiracy theories, and scientific theorizing.

Anyway. Watching both shows has inspired me to write a brief spiel on the prospect of extraterrestrial intelligence. I’m pretty positive that alien life exists, but I don’t think we’ll necessary be able to recognize it. Let me explain.

You see, way back in elementary school, my teacher asked us to draw an alien and then write a paragraph describing what it’s like, what it eats, how it communicates, what it breaths, how it lives, etc. I was immediately dismayed, because it occurred to me (even at such a young age) that an alien won’t necessarily have to eat or breath. So I drew a phantom-like ghost figure that derives energy from the sun, communicates telepathically, and travels to different planets to absorb resources.

The point of providing that horribly articulated flashback was to note that just because life on Earth is based on carbon doesn’t mean that an alien life form must function in the same way. Of all we know, aliens could have formed from what to us is a poisonous substance. Or they could just be gas-like entities that wander the universe. There really is no restriction on how an otherworldly entity might operate. Hell, there could even be aliens that are never born and never die—but that just merely exist.

So it’s important to keep a very open mind when searching for extraterrestrial life. There may be limits to life on Earth, but there is NO LIMIT (“Make 'Em Say Uhhh”) to life in space!

Doggy Food Stamps

Several people have suggested that I seek food stamps. Though I’m eligible for them, I honestly don’t feel right about it. I have nothing against the food-stamp program, nor do I hold any animosity or judgment toward those who do seek food stamps. But if I were to do it, I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror.

Yes, my finances are ultra tight these days. But that’s only because I choose to allocate some of my income toward luxuries like beer, cigarettes, digital cable, and protein shakes. So though it’d be nice to have an extra $150.00 a month to spend on grub, I honestly don’t feel I deserve it. I’d rather the money go toward someone who really needs it. Perhaps they just lost their job, or maybe they’re having difficulty raising all their children. Regardless, I believe that money could be better spent helping someone else.

However, if the government were to begin giving out doggy food stamps, I would gladly apply for them! My dog is always sniffing all over the place for more chow—though she already gets 3-1/2 rations per day. Yes, it’d be nice to gorge on some scrumptious delicacies, but I believe in eating healthy and staying fit—except for the weekends, of course. Nevertheless, if Queen Sheba wants to get fat, she better do it on either her own dime or the government’s dime! Either that or she can go and get a job cuz I ain’t paying for it, dayumnit!



Yeah…. don’t ever believe trainers when they say a dog can’t work. Friggen dog-huggers!

Obama Supporters just want a Handout?

People say all Obama supporters are good-for-nothing tricksters who just want to live off free Obama money. Uh… I work 50 hours a week, so there’s no free Obama money for me! Yet I still support Obama all the way because I sincerely believe in what he’s trying to accomplish. This ridiculous assumption that all Obama supporters are lazy people looking for a handout is absurd. Fuck a handout. I just want a handjob!

Viva la Independencia!

So this week Mexican celebrated its 200th year of independence. Some people are complaining, though. They’re mad that the Mexicans are ‘wasting money’ celebrating when they should instead be trying to fix their government. I understand their sentiment, but everybody needs a reminder of the good things in life now and again. So though Mexico is embroiled in a horrific drug war, it doesn’t hurt for them to take just a brief moment to reflect on their history and heritage.

I feel the same way about the homeless. People complain when they see a homeless person smoking a cigarette or having a beer. I agree that it’s absolutely foolish for the homeless to spend all their money on frivolous activities. However, I don’t blame a bum for grabbing a pack of cigarettes or a beer now and again. Almost everybody has some sort of vice that they use to relieve stress or just feel good. Why can’t the homeless?

And believe me when I say I’m all too aware of homeless people who abuse their money. I used to live with a guy who lived off government money, and then panhandled for beer/alcohol/weed money. But don’t let a few bad apples give you a false impression. I’d like to think most homeless people aren’t as twisted as him. But alas… maybe I’m just fooling myself!

You’re Grounded!

Taking care of a dog is kind of like taking care of a very stupid child. Mind you it’s obviously not nearly as complicated, but there are some similarities.

For one, I’m constantly concerned about losing my dog. Anytime I tie her up in public as I go indoors to a store or whatnot, I worry about someone undoing her leash and leading her away.

Plus my entire day inevitably revolves around her. I have to feed her, fill her water bowl, take her out to pee/poop, walk her, jog her, play fetch with her, etc. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it—though sometimes I feel like ripping my hair out. It’s also a great lesson in responsibility. I imagine that when I finally have children, I’ll be better prepared for what’s to come.

Then of course there’s the trouble with raising her correctly. She still refuses to properly walk on a leash. And when I tell her to sit, she takes 5 to 10 seconds to do it. But if I have a treat in me hand, she doesn’t just sit… she lies on the floor and rolls over with her slick ass! It’s like yo… I didn’t tell you to roll over; I told you to sit! OOOOOH she’s just so bloody cheeky!

You know, I’m tempted to buy a shock collar, but I already know that won’t work. The only real way to train a dog is via positive enforcement, but I cannot stand bribing a dog, only to have it continue its inappropriate behavior. Aw helllll NAW… that makes me madder than anything else on Earth!

And don’t even get me started on her irresponsible nature. Recently I started taking her out on an early-early-morning unleashed walk. For the first few days she’d stop for a bit, and then scamper to catch up with me once I was 2 to 3 blocks ahead. But now it’s getting to the point where I’ll be 5 blocks ahead, only to look back and see her nowhere. I have to scurry back, find her, and then coax her to continue the journey.

It’s like letting a 16-year-old who just got his license drive your car on Friday nights. For the first few weeks he arrives home precisely at the 11:00pm curfew. Then suddenly he’s 15 minutes late. A week late and it turns to 30 minutes. Two months later and he stumbles in at 5am—drunk, high, and reeking of vaginal fluids. Well by Golly I ain’t letting my pup turn into Dennis the Menace! And if that means revoking her no-leash privileges, so be it. I’m going to give her one last chance, but this is it!

“You fish-eyed heathen!” (Aunt Esther)

This week the Pope compared atheists to Nazis. Now I’m not an atheist (though close enough), but still…

If an atheist is a Nazi, then what the flying creampie is a child-abusing Catholic priest? I’m not trying to attack Catholics, but come on now…



Greatest Quote Ever

"Maybe the nice thing about being a comedian is never having a full belief in yourself to know the answer. So you can say all this stuff, but underneath, you’re going, ‘But of course, I’m fucking idiotic.’ It’s why we don’t lead a lot of marches.” – Jon Stewart


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That’s all folks! I’m so glad I had something even remotely insightful to say this week. Hopefully it’ll continue again for a while, until I hit that point of ‘statistical regression’ or whatever.

PS #1. This week Michael Baisden spoke about pimps in the pulpit. SMDH. Lawd please never allow them to add a ‘church’ section to craigslist. I can just imagine it now:

"$20 get you 2 HOLY towels!" Don't just bless your life. Bless yo forehead too!

PS #2. PrimeTime did a hidden-camera investigation concerning women who breastfeed in public. Apparently they support the whole breastfeeding thing. Well, I have what I feel is a fair and legitimate question. If a woman can breastfeed her baby in public, then may I spermfeed my baby-mama in public?

Huh? What’s that? I’m sorry… I had my headphones on… would you repeat your answer! (I’m just playing around because “I’m fucking idiotic.”)

PS #3. I just did a Word spelling/grammar check. My Flesh-Kincaid Grade Level is 7.4... which means I write like a friggen 7th grader. Hurumph!

PS #4. SMH @ the crazy broad with the fake acid wounds. I know this is wrong, but I'm drunk... I feel like squirting some sperm on her wounds. How you like them apples, you crazy broad? FYI—my sperm is composed of 65% beer, 35% pure perfect genetics, baby!

PS #5. This week Jon Stewart announced the “Rally to Restore Sanity 2010”, while Colbert simultaneously announced the "March to Keep fear Alive.” I’m actually thinking about attending. A few weeks ago I was complaining on facebook about feeling burned out, and my brother responded by offering to fly out to Raleigh and take me on a roadtrip. I immediately refused because I’m not the road-trippy type. FYI – The movie RoadTrip SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKs. Soul Plane, on the other hand, that’s just friggen brilliant.

Anyway. The prospect of him coming here and maybe driving with me up to the rally actually sounds pretty friggen cool. Mind you I’m a bit apprehensive because there will be A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE there. And no offense, but large congregations of white people scare the fuck out of me!

For one thing, ya’ll chase wild animals. For another, ya’ll eat insects and bugs. Lawd have mercy I can’t even imagine having a son with a white woman. Not only do I have to prevent Fido from torturing insects, but I also have to keep Timothy Anoop-Snoop-Dog (Timothy to honor his white heritage, Anoop to honor his Indian heritage, and Snoop Dog to honor his muthafuckain’ black heritage, bitch) *lastname* from eating bugs. SMDH!

But seriously… I might just attend. I just know though that the first few hours will be complete torture. I’ll be begging to leave. But if I can get through that initial hell, I’m likely to end up having a terrific time. Aye Yi Yi…. Lucy where are you when I need you? (Meaning I’d rather go with a woman cuz white folk typically don’t fuck with you if yer with a babe!)

Anyway. Peace out!

Friday, September 3rd | September (Earth, Wind & Fire)

Evening. Though I kind of wanted to take the week off, I’m going to complete a blog anyway because I literally have nothing better to do this Friday. Regardless, I hope you enjoy it! And don’t worry, because politics and religion are the last things on my mind this week! Do keep in mind though that since this is Labor Day weekend, this will be an awfully brief post. Other than that, take care and HAPPY LABOR DAY!

It’s All about the Benjamins

During my drunken escapades last weekend, I posted a brief rant in which I hailed capitalism and mentioned that I don’t hate rich people. Now that I’m sober, I want to reaffirm both statements. We live in a capitalist society, so therefore I am a capitalist. It’s all about the Benjamins, baby!

Nevertheless, I want to take a moment today to analyze the negative aspects of capitalism. Though I love living in a capitalist society, I sincerely believe that capitalism in its current form cannot and will not sustain us for the long-term.

For one, it places an incredible toll on the Earth’s resources. As we keep reproducing and increasing our numbers, we resultantly use up more and more resources. Unfortunately the Earth has only so many resources to offer. So unless we quickly find a way to travel to others planets and harvest their resources, our future grandchildren and great-grandchildren might be in a heap of trouble.

Another problem with capitalism is that it breeds greed, corruption, war, and inequality. I believe this is because capitalism is based on competition. Without competition, a capitalist society remains stagnant, as it needs innovation and talent to prop itself up to the next level. This is a beautiful thing in that it leads to astounding inventions and whatnot, but it’s bad in that people will fight and even kill for a chance to outdo their competitors—and reap the bundles of almighty dollars that awaits the winner. However, since hatred, envy, and the inclination to fight among one another are natural human tendencies, I tend to discount the whole capitalism leads to evil argument.

There is no arguing against the fact that capitalism leads to wastefulness, though. For instance, I write product reports for a living, and I’ve noticed that many companies produce the exact same thing. Though their products might differ in one or two subtle ways, it’s really all just the same thing. It truly baffles me that so many people spend so much time essentially designing and producing virtually undistinguishable (save for the logo) products, when they could all be working together to manufacture something even better than the status quo. But again, without competition, there would be no need to be original and outdo one another—which means instead of having a 1000+ routers that are constantly being upgraded, we’d have one super router that never gets better.

Some people also cite individualism as a symptom of capitalism. Award-winning novelist Ben Okri states, “Individualism has been raised almost to a religion, appearance made more important than substance. Success justifies greed, and greed justifies indifference to fellow human beings.” Once again, I think that these are all symptoms of immorality, which in itself is totally separate from capitalism. Plus individuality, like competition, is a catalyst for innovation and talent. Suffice it to say, without individuality, there wouldn’t be reality talent shows like America’s Got Talent—and that’s just not cool!

Anyway. My brief analysis leads me to believe that the only real problem with capitalism is its toll on Mother Nature’s resources. So what’s the solution? Well, people like my Portland-based brother believe that we must revert to a more agriculture-based society in which people either grow their own food, or purchase it from a local vendor. While I appreciate the efforts of my brother and his peers, I think it’s all in vain, as it’s near impossible to feed billions of people this way. Processed foods have plenty of downfalls—the addition of unhealthy chemicals, the resultant environmental damage, and the associated animal cruelty, to name a few—but they’re the only viable solution for keeping the entire world fed.

I sincerely believe that for capitalism to continue undeterred, we’re going to have to find a better way of harvesting and using resources. And the only logical way to do this seems to be through scientific innovation—such as a Star Trek ‘replicator’ (though this is a mere fictional example). Basically, my brother wants us to revert to more traditional albeit outdated methods of sustainment, whereas I want us to push forward by investing more money into science and technology.

Anyway. In the meantime, I’m going to keep enjoying the fruits of capitalism. And if lucky, I’ll one day actually become a rich man. But as I’ve said before, I wouldn’t be surprised if the world suddenly collapses the day immediately after I rise to success. God likes to fuck with me just like he likes to fuck with Robert Barone! Frigen…*rolls the deity wheel*… Poseidon! (That’s ironic because it’s hurricane season!)

Don't Trust That Photo!

A gay friend of mine tried to send me a picture earlier this week. After making him promise me 10+ times that it wasn’t a picture of a naked guy, I finally accepted. Lo and behold, it turned out to be a naked young man bent over—with his butt cheeks illuminated by the glow of Steve Wilko’s bald head reflecting off a nearby television. Fricken bastard!

But things only got worse from there. Later that evening, the young man popped up in my dreams. Like George Constanza, I yelled out, “Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!” Then suddenly a woman appeared from the bathroom, strolled over to the naked man, and hurricane kicked his ass out of there. Apparently, she knew karate.

The moral of this story is that if a homosexual friend (no matter how good a friend he or she may be) ever offers you a picture, don’t trust that photo!



Cock Without a Doodle Doo

This week Michael Baisden touched on one of my favorite topics: hen-pecked men. For those who’re not familiar with the term, a hen-pecked man is a man without a backbone. He’s the type of docile chap who bows to his wife’s every whim.

“Give me a massage!” yelled the wife.

“Yes, Mam,” calmly replied the well-trained, hen-pecked man.

Now that’s a dayum shame.

Mind you, I must admit that I have some hen-pecked qualities myself—though I maintain that I am anything but one. You see, I tend to start a relationship with a lot of hen-pecked qualities. During my one and only serious relationship ever, I asked permission before doing anything.

“May I kiss you?”

“Would it be okay if I smacked your butt?”

“Do you mind if I squeeze your boob?”

I realize it’s a turn-off, but when I first get to know a woman, I refuse to take the risk of offending her. After having been labeled a creep and weirdo all my life, there’s no chance in hell I’m throwing away a potential romance on a mere instinct or whim.

However, all my hen-pecked qualities immediately melted away after consummation. After waxing that sweet ass, I wasn’t afraid to do shit. If I wanted a kiss, I leaned in and got me a kiss! If I wanted to squeeze a boob, I went ahead and squeezed a boob! And if I wanted to smack a butt-cheek, I slammed my hand right up on that ass. Hell, sometimes I even smacked both them cheeks!

The point is that a man with hen-pecked qualities isn’t necessarily a hen-pecked man. A lot of guys like me have so much anxiety that it takes us a whole lot of time to finally open up. Getting to know a woman intimately helps tremendously—but not as much as tearing up that ass. After we’ve felt up our beau, stuck it deep inside our beau, and let our ‘man-ball’ juices flow deep within our beau, we ain’t got no more fear in our hearts!

Anyway. In commemoration of real men everywhere, I present to you a slew of poor-quality, rude, and sexist jokes, courtesy of me. Women… I suggest you look elsewhere. Buck that. I DEMAND IT ;-). (j/k j/k j/k! You know I love you beautiful ladies!)

- Is it okay to submit to your woman?
Only when she’s on top!

- Women say that Michelle Obama is running the White House. What do you think?
They’re right. She’s running the White House kitchen and laundromat! …. but that’s all she’s running!

- When a woman goes to bed, does her man have to go to bed too?”
Absolutely not. What if he’s hungry and just wants to go to Taco bell for a burrito? You know, their drive-thru is open like ALL NIGHT!

-Is it okay for a man to carry a baby on his back?
If it’s a fat baby, then gon’ get your workout on, bro! If it’s not, then you, Sir, are a hen-pecked wuss! Why not go ahead and add a belt purse so you can carry some tampons and diapers too, Nancy!?

Wanted: Doggy Exorcist

My dog has developed a very bad habit. Every time we walk to the store, we pass by a church. And every single time we get right in front of the steeple, she crouches low to take a pee. Now I’m not a Christian man, but I still respect the tenets of Christianity—especially the unlisted commandment that says Though Shall Not Pee on Holy Property. In fact, I won’t even put out a cigarette near a church, let alone take a piss. I’m trying to curb this abominable habit my dog has developed, but in the meantime I’m just praying she doesn’t start pooping on the church lawn! Because the day that happens is the day I hire a doggy exorcist!



In the words of young Little Richard, “GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!”

It’s All About Me, One Time!

This week a CNN reporter articulated his belief that Facebook tends to attract very narcissistic people. Before I go any further, I want to openly admit that I myself am chockablock with narcissistic traits, which is evident by the fact that 99% of my facebook pictures feature me, 99% of my facebook status updates concern me, and 99% of my facebook friend requests are directed at celebrities who could potentially boost my career. And yes, I’m both narcissistic AND delusional.

Anyway. The question I’m posing today is whether facebook narcissism is a good or bad thing. Arguing that it’s good seems silly, so instead I’m going to discuss why it’s not necessarily such a bad thing.

For starters, we all have a bit of narcissism within us. It’s kind of like our id (or ego?), in that it’s partially responsible for our confidence and self-esteem. Plus there’s nothing inherently wrong in being proud of oneself. For instance, I work out hard, so I like to display photos of my semi-ripped body. The key lies in maintaining a neutral balance, as every ounce of narcissism should be matched with an equal quantity of humility. A problem only arises when our narcissistic nature begins to conquer our more redeeming qualities.

Some people like James Lee say that we’re all a bunch of over-indulged, narcissistic parasites with no worthwhile qualities. Well, no offense to you Mr. Dead Guy, but kiss my ass. Just because we’re unafraid to enjoy the life given to us doesn’t make us parasites. In particular, engaging in meaningless online banter is no different than doing it at a bar or pub. The only difference is the medium—as it goes from being a face-to-face encounter to being a computer-to-computer one instead.

My point is that being on facebook doesn’t mean my friends and I are self-absorbed, egotistical maniacs without a heart. There’s a big difference between having narcissistic traits and being a full-fledged narcissist like Snooki (no offense, beau!). I’ll readily admit that I barely know any of my facebook friends, but it doesn’t matter because I still sincerely enjoy their online company. Several times a day I scroll through their status updates, and though most of them bore me, I always find at least two or three gems that make me smile, laugh or think. And to me, that’s what it’s all about.

You know, I don’t believe that an associate must necessarily be an intimate friend. Granted it’s wonderful to have one or two close friends, but it’s also rather nice to have hundreds of random associates with whom you can just share meaningless laughs and stories.

That reminds me. Did I ever tell ya’ll about the time my friend fed me a mixture of spaghetti and cat-food, and told me it was his Mother’s secret recipe?

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Anyway. That’s it for tonight! I’m sorry to keep it so short, but it’s the beginning of September, and time for good times and fun!

PS #1 – I hope ya’ll have a great weekend. Though this is a holiday weekend, I intend to work both Sunday AND Monday because I’m going for a $750 check (fyi – I’m paid biweekly)! Don’t tell my parents though because I want their ol’ asses to literally pee in their diaper-laden pants! I can’t wait until the check arrives in their mailbox! BWAHAH! “Oh, Beta (means son in Hindi)! I’m so proud of you!” said Mama. Damnnnnnn straight!

PS #2 – HAPPY LABOR DAY!



WHOOPS! WRONG ONE!

My bad….



Much better ;-).