It’s All about the Benjamins
During my drunken escapades last weekend, I posted a brief rant in which I hailed capitalism and mentioned that I don’t hate rich people. Now that I’m sober, I want to reaffirm both statements. We live in a capitalist society, so therefore I am a capitalist. It’s all about the Benjamins, baby!
Nevertheless, I want to take a moment today to analyze the negative aspects of capitalism. Though I love living in a capitalist society, I sincerely believe that capitalism in its current form cannot and will not sustain us for the long-term.
For one, it places an incredible toll on the Earth’s resources. As we keep reproducing and increasing our numbers, we resultantly use up more and more resources. Unfortunately the Earth has only so many resources to offer. So unless we quickly find a way to travel to others planets and harvest their resources, our future grandchildren and great-grandchildren might be in a heap of trouble.
Another problem with capitalism is that it breeds greed, corruption, war, and inequality. I believe this is because capitalism is based on competition. Without competition, a capitalist society remains stagnant, as it needs innovation and talent to prop itself up to the next level. This is a beautiful thing in that it leads to astounding inventions and whatnot, but it’s bad in that people will fight and even kill for a chance to outdo their competitors—and reap the bundles of almighty dollars that awaits the winner. However, since hatred, envy, and the inclination to fight among one another are natural human tendencies, I tend to discount the whole capitalism leads to evil argument.
There is no arguing against the fact that capitalism leads to wastefulness, though. For instance, I write product reports for a living, and I’ve noticed that many companies produce the exact same thing. Though their products might differ in one or two subtle ways, it’s really all just the same thing. It truly baffles me that so many people spend so much time essentially designing and producing virtually undistinguishable (save for the logo) products, when they could all be working together to manufacture something even better than the status quo. But again, without competition, there would be no need to be original and outdo one another—which means instead of having a 1000+ routers that are constantly being upgraded, we’d have one super router that never gets better.
Some people also cite individualism as a symptom of capitalism. Award-winning novelist Ben Okri states, “Individualism has been raised almost to a religion, appearance made more important than substance. Success justifies greed, and greed justifies indifference to fellow human beings.” Once again, I think that these are all symptoms of immorality, which in itself is totally separate from capitalism. Plus individuality, like competition, is a catalyst for innovation and talent. Suffice it to say, without individuality, there wouldn’t be reality talent shows like America’s Got Talent—and that’s just not cool!
Anyway. My brief analysis leads me to believe that the only real problem with capitalism is its toll on Mother Nature’s resources. So what’s the solution? Well, people like my Portland-based brother believe that we must revert to a more agriculture-based society in which people either grow their own food, or purchase it from a local vendor. While I appreciate the efforts of my brother and his peers, I think it’s all in vain, as it’s near impossible to feed billions of people this way. Processed foods have plenty of downfalls—the addition of unhealthy chemicals, the resultant environmental damage, and the associated animal cruelty, to name a few—but they’re the only viable solution for keeping the entire world fed.
I sincerely believe that for capitalism to continue undeterred, we’re going to have to find a better way of harvesting and using resources. And the only logical way to do this seems to be through scientific innovation—such as a Star Trek ‘replicator’ (though this is a mere fictional example). Basically, my brother wants us to revert to more traditional albeit outdated methods of sustainment, whereas I want us to push forward by investing more money into science and technology.
Anyway. In the meantime, I’m going to keep enjoying the fruits of capitalism. And if lucky, I’ll one day actually become a rich man. But as I’ve said before, I wouldn’t be surprised if the world suddenly collapses the day immediately after I rise to success. God likes to fuck with me just like he likes to fuck with Robert Barone! Frigen…*rolls the deity wheel*… Poseidon! (That’s ironic because it’s hurricane season!)
Don't Trust That Photo!
A gay friend of mine tried to send me a picture earlier this week. After making him promise me 10+ times that it wasn’t a picture of a naked guy, I finally accepted. Lo and behold, it turned out to be a naked young man bent over—with his butt cheeks illuminated by the glow of Steve Wilko’s bald head reflecting off a nearby television. Fricken bastard!
But things only got worse from there. Later that evening, the young man popped up in my dreams. Like George Constanza, I yelled out, “Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!” Then suddenly a woman appeared from the bathroom, strolled over to the naked man, and hurricane kicked his ass out of there. Apparently, she knew karate.
The moral of this story is that if a homosexual friend (no matter how good a friend he or she may be) ever offers you a picture, don’t trust that photo!
Cock Without a Doodle Doo
This week Michael Baisden touched on one of my favorite topics: hen-pecked men. For those who’re not familiar with the term, a hen-pecked man is a man without a backbone. He’s the type of docile chap who bows to his wife’s every whim.
“Give me a massage!” yelled the wife.
“Yes, Mam,” calmly replied the well-trained, hen-pecked man.
Now that’s a dayum shame.
Mind you, I must admit that I have some hen-pecked qualities myself—though I maintain that I am anything but one. You see, I tend to start a relationship with a lot of hen-pecked qualities. During my one and only serious relationship ever, I asked permission before doing anything.
“May I kiss you?”
“Would it be okay if I smacked your butt?”
“Do you mind if I squeeze your boob?”
I realize it’s a turn-off, but when I first get to know a woman, I refuse to take the risk of offending her. After having been labeled a creep and weirdo all my life, there’s no chance in hell I’m throwing away a potential romance on a mere instinct or whim.
However, all my hen-pecked qualities immediately melted away after consummation. After waxing that sweet ass, I wasn’t afraid to do shit. If I wanted a kiss, I leaned in and got me a kiss! If I wanted to squeeze a boob, I went ahead and squeezed a boob! And if I wanted to smack a butt-cheek, I slammed my hand right up on that ass. Hell, sometimes I even smacked both them cheeks!
The point is that a man with hen-pecked qualities isn’t necessarily a hen-pecked man. A lot of guys like me have so much anxiety that it takes us a whole lot of time to finally open up. Getting to know a woman intimately helps tremendously—but not as much as tearing up that ass. After we’ve felt up our beau, stuck it deep inside our beau, and let our ‘man-ball’ juices flow deep within our beau, we ain’t got no more fear in our hearts!
Anyway. In commemoration of real men everywhere, I present to you a slew of poor-quality, rude, and sexist jokes, courtesy of me. Women… I suggest you look elsewhere. Buck that. I DEMAND IT ;-). (j/k j/k j/k! You know I love you beautiful ladies!)
- Is it okay to submit to your woman?
Only when she’s on top!
- Women say that Michelle Obama is running the White House. What do you think?
They’re right. She’s running the White House kitchen and laundromat! …. but that’s all she’s running!
- When a woman goes to bed, does her man have to go to bed too?”
Absolutely not. What if he’s hungry and just wants to go to Taco bell for a burrito? You know, their drive-thru is open like ALL NIGHT!
-Is it okay for a man to carry a baby on his back?
If it’s a fat baby, then gon’ get your workout on, bro! If it’s not, then you, Sir, are a hen-pecked wuss! Why not go ahead and add a belt purse so you can carry some tampons and diapers too, Nancy!?
Wanted: Doggy Exorcist
My dog has developed a very bad habit. Every time we walk to the store, we pass by a church. And every single time we get right in front of the steeple, she crouches low to take a pee. Now I’m not a Christian man, but I still respect the tenets of Christianity—especially the unlisted commandment that says Though Shall Not Pee on Holy Property. In fact, I won’t even put out a cigarette near a church, let alone take a piss. I’m trying to curb this abominable habit my dog has developed, but in the meantime I’m just praying she doesn’t start pooping on the church lawn! Because the day that happens is the day I hire a doggy exorcist!
In the words of young Little Richard, “GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!”
It’s All About Me, One Time!
This week a CNN reporter articulated his belief that Facebook tends to attract very narcissistic people. Before I go any further, I want to openly admit that I myself am chockablock with narcissistic traits, which is evident by the fact that 99% of my facebook pictures feature me, 99% of my facebook status updates concern me, and 99% of my facebook friend requests are directed at celebrities who could potentially boost my career. And yes, I’m both narcissistic AND delusional.
Anyway. The question I’m posing today is whether facebook narcissism is a good or bad thing. Arguing that it’s good seems silly, so instead I’m going to discuss why it’s not necessarily such a bad thing.
For starters, we all have a bit of narcissism within us. It’s kind of like our id (or ego?), in that it’s partially responsible for our confidence and self-esteem. Plus there’s nothing inherently wrong in being proud of oneself. For instance, I work out hard, so I like to display photos of my semi-ripped body. The key lies in maintaining a neutral balance, as every ounce of narcissism should be matched with an equal quantity of humility. A problem only arises when our narcissistic nature begins to conquer our more redeeming qualities.
Some people like James Lee say that we’re all a bunch of over-indulged, narcissistic parasites with no worthwhile qualities. Well, no offense to you Mr. Dead Guy, but kiss my ass. Just because we’re unafraid to enjoy the life given to us doesn’t make us parasites. In particular, engaging in meaningless online banter is no different than doing it at a bar or pub. The only difference is the medium—as it goes from being a face-to-face encounter to being a computer-to-computer one instead.
My point is that being on facebook doesn’t mean my friends and I are self-absorbed, egotistical maniacs without a heart. There’s a big difference between having narcissistic traits and being a full-fledged narcissist like Snooki (no offense, beau!). I’ll readily admit that I barely know any of my facebook friends, but it doesn’t matter because I still sincerely enjoy their online company. Several times a day I scroll through their status updates, and though most of them bore me, I always find at least two or three gems that make me smile, laugh or think. And to me, that’s what it’s all about.
You know, I don’t believe that an associate must necessarily be an intimate friend. Granted it’s wonderful to have one or two close friends, but it’s also rather nice to have hundreds of random associates with whom you can just share meaningless laughs and stories.
That reminds me. Did I ever tell ya’ll about the time my friend fed me a mixture of spaghetti and cat-food, and told me it was his Mother’s secret recipe?
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Anyway. That’s it for tonight! I’m sorry to keep it so short, but it’s the beginning of September, and time for good times and fun!
PS #1 – I hope ya’ll have a great weekend. Though this is a holiday weekend, I intend to work both Sunday AND Monday because I’m going for a $750 check (fyi – I’m paid biweekly)! Don’t tell my parents though because I want their ol’ asses to literally pee in their diaper-laden pants! I can’t wait until the check arrives in their mailbox! BWAHAH! “Oh, Beta (means son in Hindi)! I’m so proud of you!” said Mama. Damnnnnnn straight!
PS #2 – HAPPY LABOR DAY!
WHOOPS! WRONG ONE!
My bad….
Much better ;-).
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