Nonetheless, this week I was inspired to learn more about Mr. Dylan after hearing Sean Wilentz, author of Bob Dylan in America, speak on the Colbert Report about him. But while performing a google search, I was shocked to discover that Bob Dylan is white, as I had always thought he was a brotha!
To confirm my discovery, I logged into facebook and wrote, “Yo… Bob Dylan ain’t black?” And boy, oh boy, did my white friends really give it to me! So to make it up to them, and to give honor to this great and very talented white man, today I present to you one of Mr. Dylan’s most coveted songs. I hope you like it.
And oh, this one time and one time only, I humbly mumble in the middle of a road full of lots of really loud motorcycles, “White power.” ;-)
What did you think I meant? Get your minds out the gutter! Hey… my teeth may look like shit, but yours don’t have to!
Anyway.
It’s Feel Good Friday and the official beginning of the fall season. America’s Got Talent, Top Chef, and MasterChef are sadly over, but a slew of other projects are either starting or returning, including House, Hell’s Kitchen, Outlaw (the blonde chick is like a gift from heaven!), Celebrity Rehab (featuring Keyshia Cole's mother, Frankie), Community, the Office, 30 Rock, Outsourced (if this show was at all inspired by the blog that I wrote back in January, then I want my got dang commission check), etc. Regardless, it’s time to pull out the winter clothing because the seasons are changing—and they’re changing fast!
So today I’m going to take various comments I made this week on the net, and piece them together into various blog sections. I’m not too passionate about anything at the moment, so this isn’t a post meant to be taken all that seriously. If anything, this is just me (Microsoft Word thinks I should replace me with I…. friggen computers) intellectualizing for the purpose of keeping my brain from getting any duller than it already has become.
Chimes of Freedom
This week Jon Stewart sort of argued with Tony Blair about our war on terror. From what I could tell, he was trying to equate our efforts to stamp out all terrorists with a homeowner’s futile attempt to permanently rid his home of cockroaches. No matter how many ‘bombs’ the homeowner places, at least one sneaky roach will always remain.
I humbly disagree with Jon’s conclusion, assuming of course that my interpretation of Jon’s example is correct. From what I can tell, Jon believes in the ‘Prime Directive,’ a fictional Star Trek concept that when applied to real life translates to: “There shall be no interference with the development of said nation.” Basically we should just mind our own beeswax. There’s a big problem with this stance, though.
Look at it this way. Suppose you live in a quaint uptown apartment when suddenly a lazy, messy bastard moves into the apartment adjacent to yours. His inability to maintain a clean home is entirely his own concern, you say. However, his refusal to clean soon leads to a colony of cockroaches forming in his apartment. Less than a week later the colony begins to leak over into your own apartment.
Granted, you’ve always had to squash a roach now and again. But suddenly the situation has grown so drastic that you must lay ‘bombs’ everywhere. Plus you can’t even invite your girlfriend over, lest she stumble on a band of roaches and freak out. So what are you to do?
You can keep living in a state of perpetual fear and enhanced security measures—or you can go straight to the root of the problem. This entails forcing the said homeowner to have his home exterminated, whether by complaining to the landlord, or just punching him in his face. And yes, a few cockroaches will still remain in the building even after you’ve taken action. However, a few are much better than a lot. Suffice it to say, there's a big difference between letting a few roaches run free, versus allowing an entire colony to thrive.
I believe the same principle applies to the way in which we are handling the fanatics that litter the Middle East. Though we entered this war on false pretenses, I’m nonetheless glad we did—and for that, I thank you former President Bush. And tomorrow Afghanistan will hold its second parliamentary elections since the Taliban lost power. They still have a long way to go before they become a true democracy, but hey… none of it would be happening if it weren’t for our ‘interference.’ Plus just think of how much better life will be for all the future great-great-great-grand-children of current-day Iraqis and Afghanis. If all works out according to plan, they’ll have available all the opportunities that we blatantly take for granted.
I know though these wars are costing us a lot of money—much of which has sadly been wasted on private contracts—not to mention the lives of so many outstanding young men and women. However, I’m one of those people who believe war is a necessary evil. Keep in mind that in no way, shape, or form do I equate our war on terror with a war on Islam or women who cover themselves up. In fact, the latter relates only to my own personal war against women in general. To all women who cover their faces, wear long skirts, or refuse to show their cleavage, I steadfastly proclaim, “Take off your clothes, damnit!”
Seriously though, maybe I’m just a naïve dumbass, but I sincerely believe that our efforts in the Middle East aren’t in vain—though admittedly it may take decades before true stability is achieved. Regardless, I dream of the day terrorists put down their arms because they finally realize that they need not die to get 72 virgins. They need merely stroll down the street of Democracy until they reach Grabbir Boubi’s House of Whores.
God Bless democracy!
And oh… I know I went against the sacred words of Jon Stewart (*chants like an American Indian: huma hama dama obama*), but I am NOT THE WHITE MAN’S BITCH!
I am the Great Cornholio!
I’m a very religion-friendly agnostic, but I’m getting exceedingly fed up with all the religious bickering.
I sincerely feel like purchasing one copy each of all of humanity’s most sacred texts—the Bible, the Qu’ran, the Koran (is there a difference?), the Bagvadhgita, 'How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men,’ and the Torah—and then cutting out all the pages and taping them together into the longest and most holy toilet paper ever friggen manufactured.
Charmin’ wit lotion?
Buck that…
I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I need holy TP for my Holy Bunghole!
Umma Do Me… You Do You
People complain about celebrities who use some of their free time to take on political or humanitarian causes. They say that being an actor doesn’t give them the right to get into politics or whatnot.
Get the hell out of here! This is the United States of America. Everyone is entitled to do as much as they can handle! If a woman wants to bake a cake (be a Mom in the morning), run the town (be a mayor during the day), AND drop it like its hot (be a stripper at night), then gon’ with it, girlfriend! Mind you she likely won’t get elected, but it sure as hell is her right to at least try! And you know that’s right!
The Truth is Out There
So a few weeks ago I stumbled on ‘Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman’ on the Science Channel. And then earlier this week, while walking my dog, I played around with my awesome radio’s DIGITAL dial and stumbled upon ‘Coast to Coast AM’ radio. The former is a hip science documentary, whereas the latter is an over-the-air forum for paranormal activity, conspiracy theories, and scientific theorizing.
Anyway. Watching both shows has inspired me to write a brief spiel on the prospect of extraterrestrial intelligence. I’m pretty positive that alien life exists, but I don’t think we’ll necessary be able to recognize it. Let me explain.
You see, way back in elementary school, my teacher asked us to draw an alien and then write a paragraph describing what it’s like, what it eats, how it communicates, what it breaths, how it lives, etc. I was immediately dismayed, because it occurred to me (even at such a young age) that an alien won’t necessarily have to eat or breath. So I drew a phantom-like ghost figure that derives energy from the sun, communicates telepathically, and travels to different planets to absorb resources.
The point of providing that horribly articulated flashback was to note that just because life on Earth is based on carbon doesn’t mean that an alien life form must function in the same way. Of all we know, aliens could have formed from what to us is a poisonous substance. Or they could just be gas-like entities that wander the universe. There really is no restriction on how an otherworldly entity might operate. Hell, there could even be aliens that are never born and never die—but that just merely exist.
So it’s important to keep a very open mind when searching for extraterrestrial life. There may be limits to life on Earth, but there is NO LIMIT (“Make 'Em Say Uhhh”) to life in space!
Doggy Food Stamps
Several people have suggested that I seek food stamps. Though I’m eligible for them, I honestly don’t feel right about it. I have nothing against the food-stamp program, nor do I hold any animosity or judgment toward those who do seek food stamps. But if I were to do it, I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror.
Yes, my finances are ultra tight these days. But that’s only because I choose to allocate some of my income toward luxuries like beer, cigarettes, digital cable, and protein shakes. So though it’d be nice to have an extra $150.00 a month to spend on grub, I honestly don’t feel I deserve it. I’d rather the money go toward someone who really needs it. Perhaps they just lost their job, or maybe they’re having difficulty raising all their children. Regardless, I believe that money could be better spent helping someone else.
However, if the government were to begin giving out doggy food stamps, I would gladly apply for them! My dog is always sniffing all over the place for more chow—though she already gets 3-1/2 rations per day. Yes, it’d be nice to gorge on some scrumptious delicacies, but I believe in eating healthy and staying fit—except for the weekends, of course. Nevertheless, if Queen Sheba wants to get fat, she better do it on either her own dime or the government’s dime! Either that or she can go and get a job cuz I ain’t paying for it, dayumnit!
Yeah…. don’t ever believe trainers when they say a dog can’t work. Friggen dog-huggers!
Obama Supporters just want a Handout?
People say all Obama supporters are good-for-nothing tricksters who just want to live off free Obama money. Uh… I work 50 hours a week, so there’s no free Obama money for me! Yet I still support Obama all the way because I sincerely believe in what he’s trying to accomplish. This ridiculous assumption that all Obama supporters are lazy people looking for a handout is absurd. Fuck a handout. I just want a handjob!
Viva la Independencia!
So this week Mexican celebrated its 200th year of independence. Some people are complaining, though. They’re mad that the Mexicans are ‘wasting money’ celebrating when they should instead be trying to fix their government. I understand their sentiment, but everybody needs a reminder of the good things in life now and again. So though Mexico is embroiled in a horrific drug war, it doesn’t hurt for them to take just a brief moment to reflect on their history and heritage.
I feel the same way about the homeless. People complain when they see a homeless person smoking a cigarette or having a beer. I agree that it’s absolutely foolish for the homeless to spend all their money on frivolous activities. However, I don’t blame a bum for grabbing a pack of cigarettes or a beer now and again. Almost everybody has some sort of vice that they use to relieve stress or just feel good. Why can’t the homeless?
And believe me when I say I’m all too aware of homeless people who abuse their money. I used to live with a guy who lived off government money, and then panhandled for beer/alcohol/weed money. But don’t let a few bad apples give you a false impression. I’d like to think most homeless people aren’t as twisted as him. But alas… maybe I’m just fooling myself!
You’re Grounded!
Taking care of a dog is kind of like taking care of a very stupid child. Mind you it’s obviously not nearly as complicated, but there are some similarities.
For one, I’m constantly concerned about losing my dog. Anytime I tie her up in public as I go indoors to a store or whatnot, I worry about someone undoing her leash and leading her away.
Plus my entire day inevitably revolves around her. I have to feed her, fill her water bowl, take her out to pee/poop, walk her, jog her, play fetch with her, etc. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it—though sometimes I feel like ripping my hair out. It’s also a great lesson in responsibility. I imagine that when I finally have children, I’ll be better prepared for what’s to come.
Then of course there’s the trouble with raising her correctly. She still refuses to properly walk on a leash. And when I tell her to sit, she takes 5 to 10 seconds to do it. But if I have a treat in me hand, she doesn’t just sit… she lies on the floor and rolls over with her slick ass! It’s like yo… I didn’t tell you to roll over; I told you to sit! OOOOOH she’s just so bloody cheeky!
You know, I’m tempted to buy a shock collar, but I already know that won’t work. The only real way to train a dog is via positive enforcement, but I cannot stand bribing a dog, only to have it continue its inappropriate behavior. Aw helllll NAW… that makes me madder than anything else on Earth!
And don’t even get me started on her irresponsible nature. Recently I started taking her out on an early-early-morning unleashed walk. For the first few days she’d stop for a bit, and then scamper to catch up with me once I was 2 to 3 blocks ahead. But now it’s getting to the point where I’ll be 5 blocks ahead, only to look back and see her nowhere. I have to scurry back, find her, and then coax her to continue the journey.
It’s like letting a 16-year-old who just got his license drive your car on Friday nights. For the first few weeks he arrives home precisely at the 11:00pm curfew. Then suddenly he’s 15 minutes late. A week late and it turns to 30 minutes. Two months later and he stumbles in at 5am—drunk, high, and reeking of vaginal fluids. Well by Golly I ain’t letting my pup turn into Dennis the Menace! And if that means revoking her no-leash privileges, so be it. I’m going to give her one last chance, but this is it!
“You fish-eyed heathen!” (Aunt Esther)
This week the Pope compared atheists to Nazis. Now I’m not an atheist (though close enough), but still…
If an atheist is a Nazi, then what the flying creampie is a child-abusing Catholic priest? I’m not trying to attack Catholics, but come on now…
Greatest Quote Ever
"Maybe the nice thing about being a comedian is never having a full belief in yourself to know the answer. So you can say all this stuff, but underneath, you’re going, ‘But of course, I’m fucking idiotic.’ It’s why we don’t lead a lot of marches.” – Jon Stewart
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That’s all folks! I’m so glad I had something even remotely insightful to say this week. Hopefully it’ll continue again for a while, until I hit that point of ‘statistical regression’ or whatever.
PS #1. This week Michael Baisden spoke about pimps in the pulpit. SMDH. Lawd please never allow them to add a ‘church’ section to craigslist. I can just imagine it now:
"$20 get you 2 HOLY towels!" Don't just bless your life. Bless yo forehead too!
PS #2. PrimeTime did a hidden-camera investigation concerning women who breastfeed in public. Apparently they support the whole breastfeeding thing. Well, I have what I feel is a fair and legitimate question. If a woman can breastfeed her baby in public, then may I spermfeed my baby-mama in public?
Huh? What’s that? I’m sorry… I had my headphones on… would you repeat your answer! (I’m just playing around because “I’m fucking idiotic.”)
PS #3. I just did a Word spelling/grammar check. My Flesh-Kincaid Grade Level is 7.4... which means I write like a friggen 7th grader. Hurumph!
PS #4. SMH @ the crazy broad with the fake acid wounds. I know this is wrong, but I'm drunk... I feel like squirting some sperm on her wounds. How you like them apples, you crazy broad? FYI—my sperm is composed of 65% beer, 35% pure perfect genetics, baby!
PS #5. This week Jon Stewart announced the “Rally to Restore Sanity 2010”, while Colbert simultaneously announced the "March to Keep fear Alive.” I’m actually thinking about attending. A few weeks ago I was complaining on facebook about feeling burned out, and my brother responded by offering to fly out to Raleigh and take me on a roadtrip. I immediately refused because I’m not the road-trippy type. FYI – The movie RoadTrip SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKs. Soul Plane, on the other hand, that’s just friggen brilliant.
Anyway. The prospect of him coming here and maybe driving with me up to the rally actually sounds pretty friggen cool. Mind you I’m a bit apprehensive because there will be A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE there. And no offense, but large congregations of white people scare the fuck out of me!
For one thing, ya’ll chase wild animals. For another, ya’ll eat insects and bugs. Lawd have mercy I can’t even imagine having a son with a white woman. Not only do I have to prevent Fido from torturing insects, but I also have to keep Timothy Anoop-Snoop-Dog (Timothy to honor his white heritage, Anoop to honor his Indian heritage, and Snoop Dog to honor his muthafuckain’ black heritage, bitch) *lastname* from eating bugs. SMDH!
But seriously… I might just attend. I just know though that the first few hours will be complete torture. I’ll be begging to leave. But if I can get through that initial hell, I’m likely to end up having a terrific time. Aye Yi Yi…. Lucy where are you when I need you? (Meaning I’d rather go with a woman cuz white folk typically don’t fuck with you if yer with a babe!)
Anyway. Peace out!
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