Anyway. This has been one strange week. I could have sworn the police were stalking me. Either that or a major bust is about to go down. All week long I saw Sheriffs, Detectives, Sergeants, and I think I even saw Lieutenant Dangle. He was hanging out with some guy outside Priscilla's sex-toy shop on Capital Boulevard. Hmm…. weird.
And then just yesterday, while I was being driven to the Doctor, some women in a really big van yelled out, “You ain’t as good as u think you are!” as her husband screamed, “Yeah, fa**ot mother***ker!” Uh, well, just to let you know, you ain’t as good LOOKIN as u think you are! (My dog yells, “Yeah, fatass mother***ker!”) Damn straight we said it, boo boo! Now what!? ;-) And yes, that really happened, though I pretended like I was deaf because I wasn’t about to get shot!
I don’t know what she’s talking about though because I know for a fact that I’m a heathen destined to spend eternity in hell, sitting alongside Christine O'donnell as old, lustful men masturbate over and over again (and you wonder why I’m afraid to get shot!). Hopefully she’ll be able to cast a spell to get us out of there, assuming of course Satan lets her keep her reagents.
Before I begin, I want to thank the angry Lady for inspiring the following blog. Her ever so poignant rant helped jumpstart my Uranus HD II Engine (digital camera reference). So for that, thank you, you crazy-ass psycho broad ;-) Sorry Ma, but how the heck you gon’ just go off on a brother like that?
Squash It
Two weeks ago MTV began airing a brand new reality show called ‘World of Jenks.’ It’s a documentary/reality show in which this young filmmaker, Andrew Jenks, spends each week with a different person. In the first very episode, which premiered on September 13th, Jenks spent a week with notorious rapper Maino.
For the first 30 minutes or so, Jenks watched in awe as Maino partied and performed nonstop like a rapstar. Then during one brief scene, Maino took Jenks along as he picked up his son from school—during which Maino spent more time signing autographs than he did with his own son. They then immediately returned to partying yet again.
Then later while hanging out in some sort of backstage lounge, Jenks bravely pointed out that though many people look up to Maino, all the man ever does is party. And truthfully, that’s a very fair and astute observation, or so I thought. Maino apparently disagreed, as he promptly caught an attitude. Not only did he refuse to answer the question, but he began to behave like a goon. First he choked Jenks, and then he bitch-slapped him. The basis for all this animosity was that this ‘punk cracker’ or whatnot had no comprehension of all that Maino had been through—particularly his 10-year stint in prison.
First of all, Mr. Maino, spending 10 years in the penitentiary for something YOU DID WRONG is not having it hard. Living with cancer or HIV… that’s hard! Being born with cerebral palsy… that’s hard! Taking care of severely autistic children… that’s hard! Having your legs blown off while fighting overseas… that’s hard! Acting like you’re some sort of untouchable Goliath on the premise that your past experiences make you immune to criticism isn’t hard… it’s just plain ignorant! (I said it, yes I mother***king did!)
This whole scene especially affected me because I’ve been in this sort of situation before—wherein I merely sought to discuss a situation rationally, but was physically attacked by a thug with a victim complex. The irony is that individuals like this rely on the argument that “you’re talking too much” and that “you don’t understand what you’re talking about.” So your solution is to become physical, Maino? If that’s all you’re capable of doing, then you, Sir, don’t understand a single damn thing your own self!
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy Maino’s music, but I’ve lost a lot of respect for him as a person. Except for the case of self-defense, no man has the right to ever lay his hands on another man, woman, or child. It’s absolutely unacceptable and I will not tolerate it. If you want to be treated with respect, then you must treat others with respect. Maino was more than welcome to become ‘verbally defensive’, but he had no right whatsoever to physically attack Jenks.
This whole situation has me in a paradox of sorts. I absolutely adore rap music and the hiphop culture, but I fear that many of the rappers I like are just as bad as Maino. Though they have clearly risen up from poverty, many of them still retain the same contorted belief systems that helped them navigate the hood. The problem is that the same rules that apply to the streets have no merit in the real world. “Beating a trick” or “stomping a hater” might work in that world, but it has no place anywhere else—except of course the Mob.
So to all you hotheaded young-bucks out there who believe in combating criticism with violence, I sincerely urge you to rethink your belief systems. Why not just squash it? Or better yet, if you’re up to it, why not grab a breath of fresh air, return to the scene, sit down, and have a rational discussion? It may sound corny or ‘gay,’ but I promise you that utilizing violence to intimidate others won’t get you very far in life. If you’re not willing to change your ways, then I suggest you begin saving up a commissary fund because you’re likely going to end up in prison!
So if you can’t handle it, then just SQUASH IT…
Kind of like that dog is squashing that baby… yeah.
Give a Brother a Break!
Note: This post is for Obama supporters. If you hate Obama, then keep on! Otherwise, take a moment to holler at your boy.
Many people, including Jon Stewart, are unhappy with President Obama. They’re disappointed at Obama’s inability to bring forth the radical changes that they had anticipated he would. Personally, I am not one of these people. Though I was overcome with ecstasy when he won the presidency, I knew from the beginning that the process of change would be painstakingly slow. Meaningful legislation can take decades and sometimes even an entire lifetime to pass. This is because our government relies on a system of checks and balances, a fundamental part of our constitution that ensures no one person or branch of the government ever becomes too powerful.
You see, we the people control who’s elected into office. So if the majority of the country is leaning toward the left, we’re more likely to have a liberal government—and vice versa. However, a majority in the executive, judicial, and legislative branches doesn’t necessarily mean change will be easy and swift. For every bill, there’s a potential appeal. And even if a bill does pass, it could easily be undone. Suffice it to say, the whole process of enacting legislation is a straight-up pain in the ass. But it’s like this for a season.
As an example, take for instance the case of a man who is sentenced to Death Row. You’d expect him to be lugged directly to the electric chamber, yes? Well, that’s not how it works. It can take over a decade for an inmate to finally be executed, as he is in his every right to appeal the ruling and ask for a retrial. The entire process is slow and tedious, but fundamental—lest an innocent man be executed.
In the same way, it’s imperative that our various branches of government ‘check’ and ‘balance’ each another. This prevents one single ideology from taking over. Yes, I’d love to see a single-payer healthcare system, but there are numerous people in this country who disagree. And though it’s annoying (like you wouldn’t believe), it’s nonetheless absolutely mandatory that their voices be represented as well. This means that achieving true healthcare could take decades longer to achieve, but when we do finally achieve it, it’s more likely that we’ll all be in unison.
It’s kind of like the whole marijuana debate. Every 10 years or so, we get just a tad bit closer to fully legalizing it. Each year more and more people and jumping on the bandwagon. Hopefully, the same thing will happen with healthcare!
Anyway. Another complaint about Obama is his purportedly poor dialogue. Admittedly, I wouldn’t mind seeing him being more direct and militant, but I support his choice to do otherwise. Perhaps I’m wrong, but it seems wiser to be diplomatic rather than a rude ass—especially in politics. Heck, I’m just a bored loner who likes to blog on craigslist, yet even I must follow the rules of diplomacy. Though Republicans irritate me to no end at times, I can’t just come out and say, “F*** you corn-husking, trailer-park flunkies!” If I were to do that, I would be flagged quicker than beer turns to piss. By the same token, Obama must carefully watch what he says and how he says it, lest he alienate the very people he’s sworn to represent.
You know, though it’s good to have the balls to be ‘real’ and upfront, it’s also important to be tactful. The difficulty is in choosing one’s battles. I appreciate Obama calling Ahmadinejad out for being hateful, but I do kind of wish he would put forth just as much zeal into other issues like healthcare, gay rights, and immigration. But hey, it’s hard as hell to be assertive with one’s stance without offending others. And it’s for that very reason that I’m glad beyond belief that I’m not President!
The Modern Grease
I take it that the older generations aren’t too fond of hiphop. They likely scratch their heads in confusion as they witness us yunglings flashing our jewelry, riding around in ‘pimped-out’ rides, and smacking the butts of hot, bootylicious broads. So today I want to put the hiphop culture into perspective for them.
Do you remember Grease? First of all, I admit that I’ve never seen it. However, since it’s so representative of 20th-century culture, I absolutely intend to watch it sometime in the future. Keep in mind though that movies like ‘Coolie High’ and ‘Cornbread, Earl, and Me’ are also just as relevant to this period of American history.
Anyway. Though I haven’t seen Grease, I did a little research on it and discovered some interesting sub-themes such as style & swagger, pretty girls, nice cars, fancy clothes, and even wild & funky dancing. And well, these themes seem to bear a striking resemble to modern hiphop culture. We love to wear cool brand name outfits, ride around town in cars with Lamborghini doors and spinning rims, race our friends on empty city streets, and dance our butts off!
Don’t get me wrong. I completely understand why they don’t care for hiphop. I’m only 28, yet I oftentimes find myself shaking my head at these 15-year-old kids dancing to the ‘Stanky Leg.’ Excuse me, but if you have a stanky leg, then perhaps you should take a bath! :-) JUST KIDDING! But seriously, music tends to be generational. Each generation passes on a bevy of really spectacular songs that blow everyone away—but each generation also has its fair share of cultural behaviorisms and what could be perceived as ‘mediocre’ music that eventually disappears like a fad.
My point is that though our sense of style and swagger has certainly changed, we’re really not all that different. It may seem otherwise if you read the news everyday, but I believe that’s merely because 24/7 media coverage didn’t exist 30 years ago. Nowadays any small little headline—gang-banger shoots other gang-banger—becomes a headline in less than an hour. Don’t let that fool you, though. We’re not all a bunch of stupid rugrats who refuse to work and are obsessed with stardom. A lot of us are just young kids who happen to have a passion for hiphop music and culture. And yes, we’re older than you guys were, but hey…. 30s are the new 20s, baby!
There is one thing I must say, though. When it comes to hot girls and fly cars, we soooooooo got you suckers beat, biatch!
This is ya’ll:
This is us:
Yeahhhhh, baby!
I will admit though that our girls are a just a tad bit chunkier than ya’lls were, but obesity is a problem affecting the entire country, so don’t judge!
Ahmadinejad is a Ding Dong
Sighs. Ahmadingdong *cough tag* I mean Ahmadinejad *end cough tag* really irritates me. The man is clearly not stupid, but he certainly acts otherwise.
First of all, he’s upset that Obama never replied to some letter he wrote. His belief is that Obama should have at least said hello. To be honest, I kind of understand his sentiment because I personally cannot stand waving or saying hello to somebody on the sidewalk, only to be totally ignored. HOW RUDE! However, I’d rather be rejected than have the individual in question burst into a tirade about how I supposedly stepped on and broke their toe. Dude… you have on steel-toed boots!
My point is that until Ahmadinejad stops making false allegations—the Holocaust never occurred, 9/11 was an inside job, President Obama ran a train on his mother—neither I nor anyone else on this bloody planet will take his stupid-ass seriously. And on a side note, I would greatly appreciate it if he’d shave that beard because I frankly do not appreciate him stealing Jon Stewart’s look!
The sad thing is that he has some good ideas. He wrote a long letter several years ago that I quite fancied. He wrote about how it disturbed him that most of the Earth’s resources are allocated only to a few select countries. I kind of understood what he was saying. The problem is that he has no tact whatsoever—and this is coming from the most tactless bastard on Earth. Speaking of which, I need to go take a shit.
--- Jeopardy Music ---
--- Flush ---
--- Jeopardy Music ---
Sorry about that. Oh wait, I forgot to wash my hands! BRB!
--- Jeopardy Music ---
--- Water Running ---
--- Jeopardy Music ---
Okay. So where was I?
Mixing and Matching
I support the Dream Act and I believe that the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy should be revoked, but I don’t understand why these issues have been mixed in with the defense reauthorization bill. Isn’t it possible for them to simply vote on each individual issue separately? Throwing together 30-billion unrelated amendments makes zero sense whatsoever. It’s like trying to get one’s penis enlarged, only to be told that such surgery also requires that one’s balls be chopped off and a tube be permanently inserted into one’s rectum
Excuse me, but can ya’ll just make a brotha’s dick bigger!? I'm tired of being made fun of...
November Elections
So how many of you folks are ready for the November elections? I know I’m certainly not even close to being prepared. Unlike past years in which I just voted for Democrats, this year I intend to properly research every candidate. I refuse to be a victim to ideology, which is why I urge you to begin studying your local candidates to determine which individuals best represent your interests.
Look, this isn’t a black and white world. And neither is it a Democrat versus Republican world. It’s a complicated world full of complicated issues. So if you go in and just vote one side without first doing your research, you are doing your country and this world a major disservice!
Take Our Jobs
This week Stephen Colbert addressed congress on behalf of illegal farmworkers. From what I can tell, he believes that Americans aren’t interested in doing the type of work these men are ‘hired’ to complete. And he’s right. We’re not willing too… but that’s because we won’t work for any less than the federally mandated minimum wage. Plus if we put in 40+ works a week, we expect to be compensated with benefits and overtime.
So I understand that these farmworkers are completing tasks the rest of us would rather not do, but that’s only because they’re doing it illegally—and under illegal provisions. I honestly wouldn’t mind offering them a chance to become legal citizens, but once again I must ask, what would stop others from doing the same thing? Couldn’t billions of ‘farmworkers’ come pouring through our borders afterward for a chance to do work and become legal? I hate to say this phrase that my Mom and Dad utter on a daily basis, but “there is a limit to everything.”
Sighs.
Anyway. I do however support the DREAM Act because as I’ve previously stated, I don’t want to punish the children of illegal immigrants. So long as they pay their own way through college (assuming they don’t go for the military option), it’s all good with me!
God Bless my Bubble-Butt Ass
I still don’t understand the concern over gays in the military. Personally I would rather fight alongside a gay man who found me attractive, because at least I know he’d do everything in his power to keep my sweet, fine ass safe from harm’s way!
Plus it’s not like giving gay people rights will make all our future children gay. Believe it or not, but offering them the same civil liberties we have isn’t going to turn our children any gayer than they already are…
I’m not a homophobe or anything, but my future children are sooooo not ever playing the piano!
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Well, that’s it for today. The following are brief PS(s) that didn’t really deserve their own section. Enjoy!
PS #1. I would rather a woman say “You’re genuinely funny” to me, than a woman say, “I want to fuck you.” Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to fuck, but with fucking comes many pressures. Will I perform well? Is it big enough? Will she disturbed by all the moles on it? It's just so stressful! That's why I'd rather first build a relationship and then fuck 2 weeks later (hahah). I need time to get to know a woman and learn to be comfortable around her.
PS #2. This week Baisden asked, “Finish the sentence…. You know a man is gay when”
You know a man is gay when the bathroom smells like peaches after he took a dump—and no, he didn’t use air freshner!
You know a man is gay when the song 'Doing da Butt' comes on and he starts popping his booty like a woman.
You know a man is gay when he don't just trim the hedges.... he dyes them purple!
PS #3. It’s a good thing the original ‘Law n Order’ ended because it stood no chance against ‘The Whole Truth.” This show blew me the f*** away! It is GROUNDBREAKING! We’ve seen a show tackle the DA and we’ve seen a show tackle the Defense. But we’ve NEVER seen a show tackle both! Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. By the way, I too would have voted guilty! If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s either a duck or a mentally retarded and disfigured dog.
PS #4. Did any of you catch ‘Outlaw’ tonight? You Republicans would have really liked it. Ol’ boy decided to defend a white cop who was being charged with shooting a citizen whom he thought was illegal. The reason he shot the punk was because the guy threatened the cop’s life. Everybody else jumped on the racial-profiling background, whereas ol’ boy decided to go for the TRUTH.
And yes, I did bitch earlier this week about racial profiling. But it was Monday, a day during which I am the biggest heterosexual bitch on Earth! On Mondays I’m like Perez Hilton, except with a virgin ass! Anyway. Racial profiling does occur, but in this instance, the cop was just doing his job. He saw a guy hanging out in the middle of the street at 10am, and two miles from the border. What would you do? And how would you react if the guy threatened you?
The beauty of this episode is that the defense attorney chose, against the advice of his counsel, to put together a mainly Hispanic/Latino jury. And amazingly enough, they acquitted the officer. If a jury of white men had acquitted, it wouldn’t have really meant anything. But that these Hispanics and Latinos saw through the black/white façade and really understood the issue goes far to prove a point—though it was all fiction.
PS #5. I LOVE BILL MAHER! If you don't like him, then in the quoted out of context words of Jon Stewart, "SUCKKKKK IT!"
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