February 25th | Foolish (Shawty Lo) - The Age of the Court Jester

I chose this song because it fits the ‘Court Jester’ theme.

Good Evening, Raleigh. Unlike last week, I feel confident and ready to drop some fire, though I can’t say for certain whether it’ll be HOT FYA. My initial goal was to make fun of people who misuse the word Socialist, but as I started writing, my words started getting all mixed up with Governor Scott Walker, the Tea Party, and the Union protesters. That said, my satire may be especially offense to Tea Party members. I want to apologize in advance. However, I also want to remind you that it’s merely satire. Plus I’m a friggen anti-American, Socialist liberal, dude! ;-)

Everything else will be delivered in a very casual and extremely hurried format. I just don’t have enough time remaining to go into detail. So don’t expect any real intellectualism. It’s 12:48am and I’m just now writing the ‘The Age of the Court Jester’!!!

The Age of the Court Jester

I made several startling discoveries this week. First and foremost, I’m a liberal. Though I sometimes espouse centrist and even right-wing views, I am for the most part a rich-people-hating, republican-distrusting Communist, Socialist, and un-American liberal bastard who believes that only blind people should be allowed to possess guns.

I also came to realize that I’m a fool or court jester. Sadly, such terms have always had a very negative connotation to them. This is heavily due in part to the Bible, which claims “fools hate knowledge.” I agree that foolish and ignorant individuals tend to prefer to set aside rational knowledge in favor of silly superstitions and non-facts—which by the way is quite ironic, what with the fact that . . . well, nevermind.

Sadly, many people equate being comical, sarcastic, satiric, or silly with being such an ignorant fool. This is an erroneous judgment, as is evident by the following passage from the fictional book, A Game of Thrones:

“The king’s own fool, the pie-faced simpleton called Moon Boy, danced about on stilts, all in motley, making mock of everyone with such deft cruelty that Sansa wondered if he was simple after all.”

Moon Boy is an intellectual fool, better known as a court jester. The real world is brimming with them: Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, Seth MacFarlane, and me, of course, though I am admittedly just an amateur court jester.

What separates us from simple fools is that we empower our words with wit and intent. Whereas a fool merely acts a fool the sake of being a fool, a court jester acts a fool for the sake of making others feel like a fool. Our desire is simply to turn you inside out until you’re left staring at a mirror, wondering why the f**k your heart looks like it’s been fricasseed.

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Republicans Say the Darndest Things

This week has been chockablock with crazy statements by crazy-ass republicans. It’s become a daily happenstance for them. Former Republican Senator Rick Santorum referred to Wisconsin protesters as drug addicts. Republican Congresswoman Michelle Bachman said that Glenn Beck should fix our budget. And former Deputy Attorney General for Indiana Jeffrey Cox, whom I believe is a republican, recommended using live ammo on the Wisconsin protesters.

Wow. I readily urge sane and rational republicans to stand up and start a non-fringe movement to take back their party. The Republican Party used to be a respectable organization that brought forth many positive changes to America. Sadly, it has since been taken over by loony-tune characters.

By the way, like Mr. Chris Matthews, I too recognize that there are equally insane fools on the left as well. Fortunately for us, they’re in the minority versus the majority. And I realize that Rachel Maddow and Ed Schulz are very passionate. However, there’s a big difference between being passionate and being a crazy, loony-tunes nut. Is Ed Schulz crazy? “HELL NO!” Are the one or two Wisconsin protesters who waved pictures of Governor Scott Walker with a Hitler-like mustache possibly crazy? DAMN STRAIGHT!

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Speaking of the Fringe Movement

Ugh @ all the delusional, conspiracy-believing, ‘THE END IS NEAR’ Glenn Beck worshipers parading across the country. Sorry for the rude honesty, but their lack of intelligence, critical thinking skills, and rationality disgust me to no end. It’s frankly pitiful.

The same people who watch Glenn Beck are the same schizophrenic personalities who rant and rave that Obama is the Antichrist, who call into Coast to Coast to espouse their views on the ‘Illuminati,’ and who stockpile food, supplies, and ammunition so they can be ready to survive the impending ‘zombielypse’—in which all the world’s liberals suddenly turn into human-eating ghouls.
Get a grip . . . SHEESH!!

Stop listening to these uneducated ‘false prophets’ and start paying attention to real news and real commentaries. Mainstream news isn’t some collection of sinister drones intent on feeding the ‘robot masses’ false knowledge as per the desires of the great Satanic Jew (Soros? Stewart? Seinfeld? BROOKS?).

In reality (have you met her?), mainstream news is a collection of the brightest, most intelligent, and hardest working professionals who are willing to toil day in and day out in an attempt at “ finding all the disparate facts and then finding their coherence.” (Maddow)

Sighs. I truly cannot stand anymore of this nonsense. Let me tell you Beck followers something. Believe it or not, but it is SpongeBob Squarepants himself who will save us all in the end times. According to Revelations of the Retard (the Bible for autistic people), SpongeBob will squeeze his body and then unleash torrents of holy water on all the evil, nasty Socialist aliens that try to invade us. Yes, this is true.

So stop worshipping Beck and BOW your heads to the great, holy sponge!

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Abortion is Legal, PERIOD

Dr. Mila Means wants to be the first abortion doctor in Wichita since Dr. George Tiller was murdered in 2009. She’s an extremely brave and awesome woman, especially considering how much harassment she is facing. Her landlord is suing her, and anti-abortion activists are harassing her at home and sending her death threats. It’s a very sad and disturbing situation that begs the question, courtesy of Rachel Maddow, “What kind of nation do you want to live in?”

People have the right to peacefully protest against abortion, but they certainly do not have the right to make death threats or misuse the law for their own benefit.

INSERT PICTURE (I’m not a graphic designer, assholes!)

Men Who Sinisterly Stare At Hardheaded Senators

The military used psy-ops to convince certain individuals like Senator Al Franken and Admiral Mike Mullen to give the troops more money, supplies, and stuff like that.

Al Franken!? Really!? How hard can it possibly be to convince him of something. I understand using psy-ops on Admiral Mike Mullen, but as for Franken, that’s just pathetic, not to mention a blatant waste of resources! SHAME, SHAME, SHAME!

INSERT PICTURE (I’m not a graphic designer, assholes!)

Wisconsin Socialists Rally in Madison to Defend Their Right to Talk People’s Ears Off

Tens of thousands of members from Wisconsin’s Public Socialist Union congregated in Madison on Friday, February 25, to protest the decision by Republican Governor Anita Rich Koch to go ahead with a vote to permanently ban collective socializing, which, according to a statement she made last week, has led to an unprecedented deficit in water as per the rapid increase in dried up throats.



“As a proud father, dedicated husband, and hard-working taxpayer who has spent the last thirty years working hard for my country, I have the right to socialize as much as I want,” argued Union leader Larry Balki, a Socialist known for hosting ‘get togethers’ at local bars, starting conversations with random strangers, and teaching autistic children how to engage in meaningless social banter. “That Governor Koch would demonize us for exercising our American right to socialize among ourselves is absolutely mind-boggling and utterly deplorable.”

Also present at the protest was the notorious Shhh Party, a collection of likeminded individuals who endorse reduced government spending except for the case of bumper cars, which they believe is the greatest form of entertainment since WWE wrestling; the reduction of national debt by any means necessary except for the taxation of corporations, which they believe are the physical manifestations of God; and total adherence to the original U.S. Constitution except for when it interferes with their desires, which they hold to be more self-evident and truer than everyone else’s desires.

“These lazy-ass Socialist bastards just sit around all day chit chatting in public places!” exclaimed Shhh Party supporter Andrew Mightfart, a nationally renowned and controversial blogger known for manipulating video footage to make it appear as if the Earth is being invaded by Socialist aliens and making false allegations regarding black bears, which he feels hold racist views against their polar bear counterparts. “And when they get thirsty, they drink up all our public drinking water.”

He continued, “Every drop of water they use to satiate their dried up throats takes away from people like me—people who know how to shut up and stay quiet except for when defending good ol’ Koch.”

Despite mass support from fellow Republicans and the Shhh Party, and despite winning the first round of votes, Governor Koch still faces an extremely difficult and uphill battle. Adding to her tribulations are accusations from the Socialist-leaning media that she purposefully fabricated a water deficit to discredit the Socialist Union. Some media commenters have even gone so far as to allege that Koch is in fact merely a puppet for billionaire brothers Chuck and Davie Dicks.

“Governor Koch is simply following orders from the Dicks brothers, two ridiculously old and senile billionaires whose fragile ears can’t handle the purportedly ‘excessive’ social conversation occurring in America,” said MSNBC television news journalist Mikey Burlachenko, an unofficial Socialist despised by anti-Socialists for his pesky on-air habit of vehemently defending Socialist policies. “Instead of imposing their warped views on everybody else, perhaps the Dicks should just invest in some earplugs!”

Burlachenko went on to imply that the Dicks are also responsible for the movement to disbar Social Security, a 76-year-old policy designed to ensure that elderly men and women are provided with a publicly funded friend that they can spend time with and talk to. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed Social Security into law during the Great Depression, a sad period of American history during which more than five million senior citizens committed suicide to escape what has been referred to historians as an “incessant loneliness unlike anything ever seen before in American history.”

“The Dicks hate anything and everything related to the betterment of society,” argued Burlachenko. “If Socialists don’t stand up to them here and now, we may soon lose everything that we hold dear, including our elderly grandparents, whom we love dearly but refuse to talk to because they bore us to death”

Nobody has thus far been able to speak to the Dicks regarding the allegations except for a Wichita Buffalo Wings employee, ‘Ionisha McMurphy, who accidentally dialed up the office of Dicks Industries on Wednesday. Spurred by a speech that she had heard earlier in the day on MSNBC from Mr. Burlachenko, whom she considers to be a “fine piece of man meat,” ‘Ionisha decided to test her luck by pretending to be Governor Anita Koch and then asking to speak directly with Davie Dicks.

According to a transcript of the conversation she had with Mr. Dicks, she asked him whether the movement to destroy Socialism would work, to which he replied, “Hell yes, it will work! We have no other choice but to make it work! My ears hurt and I’m genuinely concerned about our water supply!”

She then asked Mr. Dicks whether he’s concerned at all about all the money it will cost to eradicate Socialism, to which he replied, “Absolutely not. Unlike money, water is a finite and limited resource that we humans depend on to survive.”

He added, “I mean come on, what type of greedy bastard do you take me for!?”

F.I.N.

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PHEW. I’ve been working very hard to complete all this, and I feel really good about it. Hard work pays off. It doesn’t always put money in your pocket, but it does always make you feel good inside. And at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about, baby! Mind you, the ending of my satire could have been better. I’m one of those people who DEMAND excellent endings. Unfortunately, coming up with a good ending is perhaps the most difficult task for any writer!

PS #1. Uh . . . OH, there was a boy on the Tonight Show named Jackson Murphy. He’s a brilliant, 12-year-old movie critic! This kid is off tha chain! Make sure to look up him and read his reviews!

PS #2. I might be watching the King’s Speech tomorrow! I found a 720p version of it, but it’s been divided into four files, which means I have to click on another file every 30 minutes. And well, that’s kind of annoying. I may end up just going with Soloman Kane instead. We shall see!

PS #3. My dog has become overweight. She was supposedly only 35 lbs when I got her, but now she’s up to 56 lbs! I’ve tried putting her on a diet before, but she uses insidious methods—constantly licking her lips, constantly sighing, and constantly giving me sad, evil stares—to torment my neurotic, OCD ass. So I’ve gone ol’ school on her by purchasing really cheap, nasty-tasting food that she’ll only eat when she’s really really hungry. For the next month I’m going to exercise her like a maniac. The goal is to get her down to 45 pounds. I can’t tolerate a fat girlfriend, and she’s the closest thing to a girlfriend I got right now!!!

PS #4. Time Warner Cable Internet service sucks!

PS #5. I’m f**king out of thoughts, man.

Night all!

February 18th | Benjamin Franklin (JuStyle Entertainment - T-Top The King, Mr. Him Hot, Yung Louie)

Raleigh STAND UP

This time I chose a rap song because I want to give a shout out to the return of Raleigh native T-Top the King, aka another one of Raleigh’s finest!

Evening. Today I’m going for a very casual approach. I wouldn’t even be writing anything if it weren’t for the fact that I have some stuff I need to get off my chest. Expect it to be more passionate and irrational than usual, not to mention grammatically incorrect beyond belief. I’ll be back next week, God Willing, with satire so deep it burns right through some sucker’s soul (yeah right, lol).

I was thinking about doing a piece about Obama, Boehner, and Cantor being forced to retake highschool math. And then I had the idea of doing a piece about the 2011 Budget Bowl. And then I had the idea of doing a piece about my dog winning the ‘biggest belly-rub slut’ Guinness World Record.

But I just don’t have a clear-enough head to write something deep and satirical and all that shit right now. I’m burned out, man.

Anyway.

Everybody Sucks

I’m unhappy with both the republicans and democrats right now, including President Obama. Everybody is acting like a stupid ass, and it’s time somebody laid the smack down!

Republicans

Republicans keep reiterating that we’re in a financial crisis and that we need to make cuts to Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. I agree with this to an extent. However, their actions don’t match their words.

Instead we have loony-tune republican lawmakers all across the country who’re trying to destroy Unions by doing away with collective bargaining; who’re trying to push through legislation that could potentially allow extremists to kill abortion doctors and then claim they did so to protect an unborn child; who’re trying to defund Planned Parenthood and Obamacare; and who’re trying to allow guns in church in case, you know, a pastor needs to bust a cap in a heathen.

And don’t even get me started on their desire to cut/destroy NPR, PBS, Big Bird, and of course the EPA. Plus they think it’s important that we keep providing subsidies to oil companies, which by the way make ridiculously high profits.

Meanwhile, we have the whole republican community going bonkers over potential presidential candidate Chris Christie, whom I myself admittedly somewhat like. I worry though that I like him only because of his bubbly personality. He’s charming and very funny. And for some odd reason, he reminds me of Doug Heffernan from the King of Queens. Plus he has a wobbly double-chin like Jay Leno. What’s not to like?

Here’s the problem with Christie. If I’m not mistaken, he’s against unions. In addition, he recently signed a $4 billion dollar tax increase that will manifest "in the form of higher electric rates." However, if I’m not mistaken again (I may be), he’s against an increase in corporate taxes.

In fact, no republican wants to raise corporate taxes because companies will leave their state. I have a huge problem with this mentality. Maybe I’m viewing it the wrong way, but this is how I see it:

Dude is making a 4-million dollar profit per month, $750,000 of which goes into his pockets. An increase in tax comes about and now he’s making only a 3.5-million dollar profit per month and therefore only bringing home $656,000.

Oh, the humanity! How am I going to take care of my family?

Again, maybe I’m viewing the situation wrong. But it just seems like these business owners are greedy beyond belief. And it really irritates me.

Let me tell you something. The American dream is to be successful enough to work hard at something you love, take care of your family, and have a little leftover time to self actualize. It's not to make so much money you can live a luxurious life. Getting the latter is nice if you're lucky enough to do it, but it cannot be got on the backs of everybody else!

You know, I work hard as hell at my writing and satire (except this week and maybe next week as well), despite the fact that I get no pay for it. Hell, I actually LOSE MONEY by wasting Thursdays on it instead of focusing on my ACTUAL WORK. The truth is that I would love to get paid for all my efforts, but you don't see me complaining because ultimately, I'm doing it because I love it!

Morale of the Story: Meaning > Money!

I guess I just feel like these business owners are spoiled children who’re getting their way by threatening to leave states. Again, maybe I’m missing something here. But in case I’m not missing anything, then these whack governors need to stop sucking corporate knob and start treating these whiny-ass business owners the way they treat everybody else!

Anyway.

One thing that really impressed me was when the Tea Party teamed up with some republicans and some democrats to get rid of that pesky backup engine for the F-35 Fighter. I don’t know whether Boehner and Cantor supported it because they want to help their community or because they want to get re-elected, and I don’t care. The program was useless and needed to be terminated!

Other than that, I haven’t trusted republicans in the past, I don’t trust republicans at the moment, and at this rate I’ll never trust republicans.

On the bright side, I now mistrust the Tea Party slightly less than I mistrust republicans. It’d be nice, though, if they’d stand up for the teachers, garbage collectors, and other humble government servants who are protesting in Wisconsin. Instead we have this to deal with:

“This is an important stance for the Tea Party,” Breitbart said. “The Tea Party is perpetuating safe, clean, wholesome rhetoric and activity versus the violent, racial, hateful and revolutionary rhetoric coming from the organized left.”

Is he 4 real? That’s like Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claiming Saane Zhaleh was one of his men. Mr. Breitbart, if you want to protest the protesters, then be my guest, but stop with the bullshit. Just because some of the protesters are secretly playing Whack-a-Republican-Mole on their iPhone doesn’t mean they’re acting in any way even remotely violent.

Democrats

This week President Obama released a budget that cuts Pell Grants and energy assistance to the poor but barely tackles the debt. I know why he did it. He wants to show Americans, especially republicans, that he’s willing to make sacrifices.

The problem is that he’s in complete denial about the financial state of the union. Instead of cutting tiny programs that barely cost money but make a great impact, he needs to take a metaphorical electric chainsaw to entitlements, in my opinion. Slice through that sucker like you’d slice through a jive turkey, my brotha! *fist pump*

Democrats are also interested in raising corporate taxes, but they seem too afraid to stand up to big business. Again, I realize that Obama is trying to appease republican interests, but I wish he and other politicians would focus more on gettin’ er’ dun’ versus ensuring they win the next election. I’d rather have a 4-year president who tears the roof off the sucker versus an eight-year president who doesn’t do jack shit—not to dare insinuate in any way, shape, or form that President Obama hasn’t accomplished a great deal.

I just think that democrats need to accept our financial situation, agree to cut entitlements, end the war (I support it ideologically, but it’s fiscally irresponsible) and then force the republicans to give up all the taxes, subsidies, and whatever other loopholes their big business buddies use to line their greasy pockets. As someone sitting at the bottom, I’m more than willing to give up my benefits so long as the GOP & big business are willing to give up theirs.

If republicans and big business refuse to make any sacrifices, then I expect democrats to snub their asses. The last thing I want is for the dems to just bend over and take it in the rumper. (I really don’t mean to sound like Sarah Palin tonight!)

Look, this country is full of very frustrated people—people who toil away endlessly at meaningless jobs to earn petty wages that barely get them by. They’re not in the mood to play, as should be clearly evident by what’s happening in Wisconsin. They and I and we are all tired of the endless bullshit. Politicians say one thing but do something else altogether almost every single time. Quit the bullshit, get your heads on right, shut the fuck up, and do your jobs. Please.

Sorry. I’m usually a sane and rational guy, but sometimes I get really frustrated with what’s happening, that’s all. I’m just frankly fed up with the political bullshit. Democracy is great and all, but it’s so annoying. It’s literally a never-ending battle. Not a got damn thing ever changes. And just when it gets ready to change, some asshole comes up out of nowhere to try and defund the change.

By the way, I'm being very generous by supporting cutting entitlements, what with the fact that I'm a liberal. Just remember that . . .

The Huffington Blog Post

I’m very disillusioned folks. I discovered this week that all the content on The Huffington Post is written by dumbasses just like me! The horror! I thought that they featured articles written by, you know, REAL JOURNALISTS!

I’m a bit annoyed because I hate to see bloggers putting in work for nothing while others get rich. Mind you, I kind of do the same thing. There is one fundamental difference, though. Whereas the work of Huffington Post bloggers puts money in the pockets of Arianna Huffington, a woman, the work I post on Craigslist puts money in the pockets of Craig Newmark, a guy.

Yo, it’s bros over hos, dude!

Just kidding, lol.

At least I make something off my work. I post my best material on AssociatedContent, where it subsequently nets me 1 penny per every 10 views.

Hey…. I’d rather be worth a penny than be worth nothing!

But on a serious note, I’m very disappointed to know I’m reading blogs. I’m all for blogging, but when it comes to real news, I kind of prefer professionals. :-/

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That’s it for this week, folks! I’m just not in the mood for serious thinking tonight. However, here are some great links to keep you busy. And oh, keep an eye out for some HOT FYA’ next week, lol.

If you’re interested in some laughs, then check out The Onion.

If you’re interested in some Southern adventure, check out Lizard Lick Towing.

If you’re interested in hardcore southern white boy gangsta rap, then check out Eminem’s protégé, Yelawolf, courtesy of Carson Daly.

If you’re interested in some local music, check out JuStyle Entertainment (The Return of T-Top the King!).

And if you’re interested in some sex, then go fuck yourself!

PS – Again, sorry for the passion, but this is just one of those weeks. Don’t take it personally though because right now I’d gladly smack both republicans AND democrats!

February 12th | Golden Time of Day (Frankie Beverly / Maze) - Praise Unto Egypt!

Evening. I hope everyone had a great week! I myself have had a very inspirational week, courtesy of Congressman Joe Scarborough and CNN columnist Ruben Navarrette Jr. Today I hope to try to respectfully rebut a column by Mr. Scarborough. I also plan on mocking Islamophobes who are paranoid that teaching children Arabic will lead to an Islamic caliphate.

Anyway. Enough with the drama. Let’s get to the one-man show!

If Facebook isn’t the problem, then what is?

In a column published Tuesday in Poltico, Congressman Joe Scarborough expressed his dismay over how the Internet has supposedly tainted our culture by promoting a form of “instant intimacy” that is devoid of those qualities inherent to building meaningful relationships.

Mr. Scarborough was especially perturbed by Facebook, which he believes “is cynically feeding the narcissistic appetites of a self-consumed culture that is populated by teenage vulgarians, desperate housewives and bored men.” He also said that Facebook is distracting students and professionals from their work.

Though Mr. Scarborough’s claim that Facebook disrupts productivity certainly reigns true—I waste at least two hours per day reading and responding to status updates; mind you, the majority of them are related to news—all his other allegations seem both superfluous and lacking in evidence.

According to Mr. Scarborough, social networking sites like Facebook are hampering our ability as humans to bond with one another on a genuinely intimate level. However, what is to say that online interactions are any less meaningful than face-to-face interactions. Perhaps I’m simply blinded by autism, which greatly inhibits my ability to relate with others on a face-to-face basis, but personally, I have found Facebook to be a wonderful tool for establishing and maintaining meaningful contact with others.

As a young child, I never spoke a word to my peers. Even during recess, I merely stood on the outskirts of the kickball field, lost in my own imagination. After being diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and subsequently medicated in 7th grade, I gradually started speaking to others, though only when absolutely necessary.

Fifteen years have passed since I was diagnosed, yet I still experience great trepidation when dealing with others in the real world. No matter how much I practice communicating by voice, I will likely always be inhibited to one degree or another by autism. This, however, doesn’t hold true for the Internet—a world in which I’m free to express myself without either fear or shame.

Granted, when I first began my online journey, I had no shame. I was a vulgar teenage ruffian bent on “talking mad stuff,” “smacking haters,” and displaying my purported intellectual dominance. But as I grew up, so did my online persona. I began using proper grammar and punctuation, I started thinking before I typed, and I gradually became a successful and productive ‘cyber citizen’ with a bevy of ‘cyber jobs’ and ‘cyber friends.’

I still have a few real-life associates with whom I share laughs or beers every now and again, but frankly, none of them have ever provided me with as much intellectual stimulation and down-to-Earth conversation as my Facebook friends. Perhaps this is due to my inability to attract worthwhile friends. Regardless, I would gladly give up my so-called ‘real friends’ any day over my online friends. They may not know my mannerisms and how badly I smell, but they certainly know me better than those in real life.

I realize, though, that I don’t represent the majority of Americans. There are many cases of perfectly socially capable men and women who’ve developed an obsessive relationship with the Internet, and in doing so jeopardized relationships with not only their friends, but also their family as well. By the same token, there are countless folks who are almost too social—to the point that they have more real-life friends than the average Facebook user. They wander about from bar to bar, befriending anyone who seems friendly enough. Aren’t their relationships as devoid of meaning as those online relationships Mr. Scarborough so fervently claims are destroying the very essence of human intimacy?

A wholeheartedly agree with Mr. Scarborough that “maybe we should all start paying closer attention to who we are becoming as a society.” An emotional disconnect has pervaded our society. This is evident by the tragic rise in juvenile criminals, mass shootings, and outright hatred like none I’ve ever witnessed before in my life. Nevertheless, I’m certain in my heart that simply hitting the ‘log out’ button will not solve any our problems as a society. These issues of detachment, obsession, and dare I say frolic (think ‘Jersey Show’) plaguing our society are endemic to much larger problems.

I understand that Facebook itself can be a problem, but so can anything else: money (gambling), food (obesity), sex (STDs), and even love (obsession). So instead of bemoaning the creation of a new form of communication, one that has greatly benefited many people like me, not to mention those individuals fighting for freedom in tyrannical regimes like Egypt, shouldn’t we instead try to determine what exactly is causing such disharmony among us—be it the erosion of values, the rise in vitriolic rhetoric, or even poor parenting?

You know, my life revolves around the Internet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t realize the value of real-life relationships. Nothing can ever replace that which links me to my parents, my brother, my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, and my grandmother. To me, Facebook is only a tool—a means to an end. I imagine that the majority of all Facebook users share this sentiment.

That said, why is there still such a disconnect among us? Why do some people put the Internet over their real friends and family? Why do some folks cherish their random bar friends more than they do those whom they’ve known all their lives? Why do some teenagers spend all day texting on the phone? Why am I unable to find meaningful friendship in the real world?

I don’t know the answer to any of the questions. All I know is that Facebook isn’t the problem. But the question remains: what is?


Beware: Children Who Learn Bunny Talk More Likely To Become Terrorists

Washington—In a public announcement Friday morning, renowned cultural scientist Sir Glenn Blehk warned parents and teachers about the dangers of Bunny Talk electives, claiming that children who learn Bunny Talk are 75% more likely to don bunny costumes, join Bunny terror cells, and eventually wage Bunny war against America’s precious gardens.



Sir Blehk’s announcement comes amid a brewing controversy concerning the rise in Bunny Talk electives being offered at public schools. As of February 2011, 95% of American high schools now offer Bunny Talk electives, the most common being Bunny Talk 101: What’s Up, Doc; Bunny Talk 102: Locating Pristine Gardens; Bunny Talk 103: Uprooting Tasty Carrots; and Bunny Talk 104: Waging Bunny Jihad.

“It’s all part of President Barak Hussein Obama, former President George W. Bush, and Bunny leader Bugs Bunny’s plan to implement a New World Bunny Garden,” Sir Blehk explained to reporters during the announcement, while using a chalkboard to draw the three aforementioned individuals and then connect them to one another with crooked lines. “Groups from the hardcore socialist and Communist left have joined forces with the Bunnies because they are a common enemy of gardeners and people who like carrot cake.”

Sir Blehk claims that the Bunnies’ hope is to topple the carrot cake industry, which, according to a statement released by Bugs Bunny in late 2010, “has left thousands of my brothers and sisters without enough carrots to eat.” A representative from the World Food Programme confirmed Bugs’ allegations, noting that in 2010 alone, over 250,000 Bunnies died from lack of nourishment.

“They think that by destroying the carrot cake industry, they can force the government into building them their own carrot garden,” said Beck, a scowl quickly forming on his face. “And since these cowards are too afraid to wage war by themselves, they’re essentially employing our children to do it for them.”

Ever since former President Bush took office in 2001, over 2,500 new child terrorist organizations have formed across the country. The majority of them are believed to be directly linked to the Bunny Jihad movement, though a small subset is tied to the equally dangerous Yogi Bear Jihad movement, which seeks to halt reruns of ‘The Yogi Bear Show’ on the basis that they’re insulting to bears.

One such child terrorist is twelve-year-old Elizabeth Hasselblehk (no relation to Sir Glenn Blehk), who, according to her mother, fled their home in Memphis mid November 2010.

“My husband and I thought that letting little Lizzy take Bunny Talk electives would give her a chance to expand her horizon and learn about another culture,” said Elizabeth’s mother, dabbing tears from her eyes. “But something . . . something happened, and Lizzy starting changing for the worst.”

She continued, “Then Halloween came around, and she begged us to buy her a bunny outfit. We obliged, thinking it would distract her from Bunny Talk. But it only pushed her further down the road of fanaticism.”

The FBI, which has been tracking Elizabeth, said that after she finished Bunny Talk 104 in mid November, she fled to Bugs Bunny’s hidden compound, where she was taught Advanced Bunny Talk. Soon after, she formed her own terror network and began tutoring other children who were interested in becoming Bunny Jihadists.

Elizabeth has since garnered a position on the FBI’s Most Wanted Terrorists list alongside other notable Bunny Jihadists like Bugs Bunny, the Bionic Bunny, and Oswald ‘the Lucky’ Rabbit, who was convicted in 2008 of killing a gardener, but managed to ‘luckily’ flee before he could be sentenced.

“We tried to arrest Elizabeth two weeks ago, but she scampered off so fast that we lost her,” said FBI agent Leroy Stone.

“Then two days later we received a letter from her that said, 'Gee, ain’t I a stinker?'” he added, frustratedly banging his fist into his desk.

Sadly, Elizabeth is merely one of tens of thousands of young children who have become seduced by Bunny Talk and Bunny Jihad. According to Sir Glenn Blehk, if America doesn’t ban Bunny Talk electives and start persecuting Bunnies outright, there may soon come a time when such delicacies like carrot cake, baby carrots, and Carrot Top shows become just mere memories from the past.

“I just can’t bear to think of it anymore,” said Sir Blehk. “Take me now, Jesus!”

F.I.N.

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#1. If you like sports, check out this hilarious satire piece courtesy of the Onion:

Kids In 'Scared-Straight' Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice

#2. Thank you, Congressman Joe Scarborough, for inspiring the UNPAID column.

#3. Thank you, Ruben Navarrette Jr., for inspiring the UNPAID satire.

#4. God Bless the people of Egypt!

#5. Fuck Glenn Blehhhhhhhhhhhk!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m a teenage vulgarian. I know ;-). Lol j/k.

pEaCe

-- No bulletin board 2nite. Very tired and just want to relax and get wasted.