Good Evening, Raleigh. Unlike last week, I feel confident and ready to drop some fire, though I can’t say for certain whether it’ll be HOT FYA. My initial goal was to make fun of people who misuse the word Socialist, but as I started writing, my words started getting all mixed up with Governor Scott Walker, the Tea Party, and the Union protesters. That said, my satire may be especially offense to Tea Party members. I want to apologize in advance. However, I also want to remind you that it’s merely satire. Plus I’m a friggen anti-American, Socialist liberal, dude! ;-)
Everything else will be delivered in a very casual and extremely hurried format. I just don’t have enough time remaining to go into detail. So don’t expect any real intellectualism. It’s 12:48am and I’m just now writing the ‘The Age of the Court Jester’!!!
The Age of the Court Jester
I made several startling discoveries this week. First and foremost, I’m a liberal. Though I sometimes espouse centrist and even right-wing views, I am for the most part a rich-people-hating, republican-distrusting Communist, Socialist, and un-American liberal bastard who believes that only blind people should be allowed to possess guns.
I also came to realize that I’m a fool or court jester. Sadly, such terms have always had a very negative connotation to them. This is heavily due in part to the Bible, which claims “fools hate knowledge.” I agree that foolish and ignorant individuals tend to prefer to set aside rational knowledge in favor of silly superstitions and non-facts—which by the way is quite ironic, what with the fact that . . . well, nevermind.
Sadly, many people equate being comical, sarcastic, satiric, or silly with being such an ignorant fool. This is an erroneous judgment, as is evident by the following passage from the fictional book, A Game of Thrones:
“The king’s own fool, the pie-faced simpleton called Moon Boy, danced about on stilts, all in motley, making mock of everyone with such deft cruelty that Sansa wondered if he was simple after all.”
Moon Boy is an intellectual fool, better known as a court jester. The real world is brimming with them: Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, Seth MacFarlane, and me, of course, though I am admittedly just an amateur court jester.
What separates us from simple fools is that we empower our words with wit and intent. Whereas a fool merely acts a fool the sake of being a fool, a court jester acts a fool for the sake of making others feel like a fool. Our desire is simply to turn you inside out until you’re left staring at a mirror, wondering why the f**k your heart looks like it’s been fricasseed.
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Republicans Say the Darndest Things
This week has been chockablock with crazy statements by crazy-ass republicans. It’s become a daily happenstance for them. Former Republican Senator Rick Santorum referred to Wisconsin protesters as drug addicts. Republican Congresswoman Michelle Bachman said that Glenn Beck should fix our budget. And former Deputy Attorney General for Indiana Jeffrey Cox, whom I believe is a republican, recommended using live ammo on the Wisconsin protesters.
Wow. I readily urge sane and rational republicans to stand up and start a non-fringe movement to take back their party. The Republican Party used to be a respectable organization that brought forth many positive changes to America. Sadly, it has since been taken over by loony-tune characters.
By the way, like Mr. Chris Matthews, I too recognize that there are equally insane fools on the left as well. Fortunately for us, they’re in the minority versus the majority. And I realize that Rachel Maddow and Ed Schulz are very passionate. However, there’s a big difference between being passionate and being a crazy, loony-tunes nut. Is Ed Schulz crazy? “HELL NO!” Are the one or two Wisconsin protesters who waved pictures of Governor Scott Walker with a Hitler-like mustache possibly crazy? DAMN STRAIGHT!
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Speaking of the Fringe Movement
Ugh @ all the delusional, conspiracy-believing, ‘THE END IS NEAR’ Glenn Beck worshipers parading across the country. Sorry for the rude honesty, but their lack of intelligence, critical thinking skills, and rationality disgust me to no end. It’s frankly pitiful.
The same people who watch Glenn Beck are the same schizophrenic personalities who rant and rave that Obama is the Antichrist, who call into Coast to Coast to espouse their views on the ‘Illuminati,’ and who stockpile food, supplies, and ammunition so they can be ready to survive the impending ‘zombielypse’—in which all the world’s liberals suddenly turn into human-eating ghouls.
Get a grip . . . SHEESH!!
Stop listening to these uneducated ‘false prophets’ and start paying attention to real news and real commentaries. Mainstream news isn’t some collection of sinister drones intent on feeding the ‘robot masses’ false knowledge as per the desires of the great Satanic Jew (Soros? Stewart? Seinfeld? BROOKS?).
In reality (have you met her?), mainstream news is a collection of the brightest, most intelligent, and hardest working professionals who are willing to toil day in and day out in an attempt at “ finding all the disparate facts and then finding their coherence.” (Maddow)
Sighs. I truly cannot stand anymore of this nonsense. Let me tell you Beck followers something. Believe it or not, but it is SpongeBob Squarepants himself who will save us all in the end times. According to Revelations of the Retard (the Bible for autistic people), SpongeBob will squeeze his body and then unleash torrents of holy water on all the evil, nasty Socialist aliens that try to invade us. Yes, this is true.
So stop worshipping Beck and BOW your heads to the great, holy sponge!
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Abortion is Legal, PERIOD
Dr. Mila Means wants to be the first abortion doctor in Wichita since Dr. George Tiller was murdered in 2009. She’s an extremely brave and awesome woman, especially considering how much harassment she is facing. Her landlord is suing her, and anti-abortion activists are harassing her at home and sending her death threats. It’s a very sad and disturbing situation that begs the question, courtesy of Rachel Maddow, “What kind of nation do you want to live in?”
People have the right to peacefully protest against abortion, but they certainly do not have the right to make death threats or misuse the law for their own benefit.
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Men Who Sinisterly Stare At Hardheaded Senators
The military used psy-ops to convince certain individuals like Senator Al Franken and Admiral Mike Mullen to give the troops more money, supplies, and stuff like that.
Al Franken!? Really!? How hard can it possibly be to convince him of something. I understand using psy-ops on Admiral Mike Mullen, but as for Franken, that’s just pathetic, not to mention a blatant waste of resources! SHAME, SHAME, SHAME!
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Wisconsin Socialists Rally in Madison to Defend Their Right to Talk People’s Ears Off
Tens of thousands of members from Wisconsin’s Public Socialist Union congregated in Madison on Friday, February 25, to protest the decision by Republican Governor Anita Rich Koch to go ahead with a vote to permanently ban collective socializing, which, according to a statement she made last week, has led to an unprecedented deficit in water as per the rapid increase in dried up throats.
“As a proud father, dedicated husband, and hard-working taxpayer who has spent the last thirty years working hard for my country, I have the right to socialize as much as I want,” argued Union leader Larry Balki, a Socialist known for hosting ‘get togethers’ at local bars, starting conversations with random strangers, and teaching autistic children how to engage in meaningless social banter. “That Governor Koch would demonize us for exercising our American right to socialize among ourselves is absolutely mind-boggling and utterly deplorable.”
Also present at the protest was the notorious Shhh Party, a collection of likeminded individuals who endorse reduced government spending except for the case of bumper cars, which they believe is the greatest form of entertainment since WWE wrestling; the reduction of national debt by any means necessary except for the taxation of corporations, which they believe are the physical manifestations of God; and total adherence to the original U.S. Constitution except for when it interferes with their desires, which they hold to be more self-evident and truer than everyone else’s desires.
“These lazy-ass Socialist bastards just sit around all day chit chatting in public places!” exclaimed Shhh Party supporter Andrew Mightfart, a nationally renowned and controversial blogger known for manipulating video footage to make it appear as if the Earth is being invaded by Socialist aliens and making false allegations regarding black bears, which he feels hold racist views against their polar bear counterparts. “And when they get thirsty, they drink up all our public drinking water.”
He continued, “Every drop of water they use to satiate their dried up throats takes away from people like me—people who know how to shut up and stay quiet except for when defending good ol’ Koch.”
Despite mass support from fellow Republicans and the Shhh Party, and despite winning the first round of votes, Governor Koch still faces an extremely difficult and uphill battle. Adding to her tribulations are accusations from the Socialist-leaning media that she purposefully fabricated a water deficit to discredit the Socialist Union. Some media commenters have even gone so far as to allege that Koch is in fact merely a puppet for billionaire brothers Chuck and Davie Dicks.
“Governor Koch is simply following orders from the Dicks brothers, two ridiculously old and senile billionaires whose fragile ears can’t handle the purportedly ‘excessive’ social conversation occurring in America,” said MSNBC television news journalist Mikey Burlachenko, an unofficial Socialist despised by anti-Socialists for his pesky on-air habit of vehemently defending Socialist policies. “Instead of imposing their warped views on everybody else, perhaps the Dicks should just invest in some earplugs!”
Burlachenko went on to imply that the Dicks are also responsible for the movement to disbar Social Security, a 76-year-old policy designed to ensure that elderly men and women are provided with a publicly funded friend that they can spend time with and talk to. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed Social Security into law during the Great Depression, a sad period of American history during which more than five million senior citizens committed suicide to escape what has been referred to historians as an “incessant loneliness unlike anything ever seen before in American history.”
“The Dicks hate anything and everything related to the betterment of society,” argued Burlachenko. “If Socialists don’t stand up to them here and now, we may soon lose everything that we hold dear, including our elderly grandparents, whom we love dearly but refuse to talk to because they bore us to death”
Nobody has thus far been able to speak to the Dicks regarding the allegations except for a Wichita Buffalo Wings employee, ‘Ionisha McMurphy, who accidentally dialed up the office of Dicks Industries on Wednesday. Spurred by a speech that she had heard earlier in the day on MSNBC from Mr. Burlachenko, whom she considers to be a “fine piece of man meat,” ‘Ionisha decided to test her luck by pretending to be Governor Anita Koch and then asking to speak directly with Davie Dicks.
According to a transcript of the conversation she had with Mr. Dicks, she asked him whether the movement to destroy Socialism would work, to which he replied, “Hell yes, it will work! We have no other choice but to make it work! My ears hurt and I’m genuinely concerned about our water supply!”
She then asked Mr. Dicks whether he’s concerned at all about all the money it will cost to eradicate Socialism, to which he replied, “Absolutely not. Unlike money, water is a finite and limited resource that we humans depend on to survive.”
He added, “I mean come on, what type of greedy bastard do you take me for!?”
F.I.N.
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PHEW. I’ve been working very hard to complete all this, and I feel really good about it. Hard work pays off. It doesn’t always put money in your pocket, but it does always make you feel good inside. And at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about, baby! Mind you, the ending of my satire could have been better. I’m one of those people who DEMAND excellent endings. Unfortunately, coming up with a good ending is perhaps the most difficult task for any writer!
PS #1. Uh . . . OH, there was a boy on the Tonight Show named Jackson Murphy. He’s a brilliant, 12-year-old movie critic! This kid is off tha chain! Make sure to look up him and read his reviews!
PS #2. I might be watching the King’s Speech tomorrow! I found a 720p version of it, but it’s been divided into four files, which means I have to click on another file every 30 minutes. And well, that’s kind of annoying. I may end up just going with Soloman Kane instead. We shall see!
PS #3. My dog has become overweight. She was supposedly only 35 lbs when I got her, but now she’s up to 56 lbs! I’ve tried putting her on a diet before, but she uses insidious methods—constantly licking her lips, constantly sighing, and constantly giving me sad, evil stares—to torment my neurotic, OCD ass. So I’ve gone ol’ school on her by purchasing really cheap, nasty-tasting food that she’ll only eat when she’s really really hungry. For the next month I’m going to exercise her like a maniac. The goal is to get her down to 45 pounds. I can’t tolerate a fat girlfriend, and she’s the closest thing to a girlfriend I got right now!!!
PS #4. Time Warner Cable Internet service sucks!
PS #5. I’m f**king out of thoughts, man.
Night all!
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