Corrections
1. Last week, I mentioned doing time in Juvy, prison etc. As per the latter, I got involved in a stupid burglary when I was a stupid 18 year old. I could have received probation, but I refused to stop smoking marijuana. When I failed a drug test in court, the judge decided to scare me by handing down a harsh sentence that was rescinded several months later.
So I’m not some sort of criminal, though I do know how to stuff cocaine so deep up my ass that it doesn’t fall out when the C.O. forces me to get naked, bend over, and cough. I also know how to make a shank!
2. I vaguely recall pretending to release my name and picture. GOTCHA’! Yeah, that was just a blurred-up picture of some illegal Guatemalan guy who was trying to surreptitiously advertise his many skills in “costrution, hospitalyty, agrocoltore, and free masonry” on craigslist. Sorry I tricked you, but you should have known better. I’m way better looking than that freak! Speaking of which, forget the illegals; we need to deport the FUGLIES!
3. Last weekend, I fabricated a story about how I abuse my dog. Surprisingly enough, a few people took it to heart. Just to clarify, the only thing I ever do to her that may be construed as inappropriate is pull her ears — kind of like how some parents pull their children’s ears. I only do it if she refuses to pay attention, such as when a squirrel comes bounding around the corner and she insists on trying to chase it. So unless you consider ear pulling and dry humping a form of abuse, I’m innocent, damnit!
The Greatest Controversy of All Time
Now that Obama has released his birth certificate, we can move on to more important conspiracies. Donald Trump has a history of backing democratic causes, which makes me wonder whether he purposefully started this birther fiasco to make the republicans and Tea Party look bad. Am I insane or did I just blow your friggen mind away!?
On a more serious note, Donald Trump is an asshole. The birther issue was one thing, but demanding that the president release his college records is just outright offensive. Trump has managed to transform himself from an annoying but benign slug into a slimy and disgusting blob of oozy slime.
And oh, I heard Trump likes the f word. That’s good to know, because I would like to wish Donald trump a sincere F**K YOU. You, Sir, may be rich, but you aren’t a 1/100th the man President Barack Obama is. Hell, you aren’t even a quarter of the man George W. Bush was! Even worse, you aren’t even 3/4th the lousy piece of shit man I am!
Sorry to be so uncivil, but I’m starting to really dislike this creep.
Pissed-Off Old People
For the past few months, I’ve held the belief that we must immediately reform Medicare and Medicaid. As of this week, however, I’m considering other options. There’s a People’s Budget that proposes resolving our deficit by imposing ridiculously high tax rates and slashing Pentagon spending into dust.
The premise being laid out by some liberals is that Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security aren’t in an immediate threat; we can wait a few years or a decade or two before we tackle them. This would bode well for our aging population, many of whom are trying to survive what are understandably very difficult times.
I have several concerns. We’ve been putting entitlement reform on the back burner for far too long. In addition, the People’s Budget is a mirror reflection of Paul Ryan’s Budget. Whereas Ryan wants to cure our deficit by destroying Medicare and Medicaid, some liberals want to do it by taxing the rich so much so McDonald’s would have to start outsourcing burger makers (don’t ask me how they’d do it).
As far as I’m concerned, both plans are asinine and unrealistic. Like moderate republican Joe Scarborough, I believe in a Grand Bargain that raises taxes, cuts subsidies and loopholes, and tackles entitlements. Both liberals and conservatives must be willing to make concessions for us to get there, though. Otherwise, what the bloody hell is the point of having a Congress!?
That said, I’m with all the grumpy old men and women of America.
POWER TO THE PEOPLE . . . the really, really old people :-)!
The Royal Wedding
I watched the royal wedding up until Kate and William began their ascent to the balcony. Overall, I found it to be rather mesmerizing, though it was also a tad depressing. I’ll tell you this, though: Kate Middleton has won my heart! After seeing her in that wedding dress, I’m in friggen love, man! She was so bloody gorgeous; my God!
I ain’t a prince, I don’t got no money and I’m only 5’10, but I too am going bald. And I would gladly dress up as a prince. Mind you, I’d only do it in the bedroom because I ain’t about to be seen in public like that!
4 real though, I daresay Kate Middleton is the most beautiful woman on Earth. Sighs. *stomps his feet and bangs his hands on the desk* Now I WANT A WIFE!
I’m serious too! Unlike most perverts my age, I actually want to be married. And I expect my wife to be both beautiful and smart. I take a lot of slack for being so picky, but this ManDiva ain’t settling for second best, honey!
Ladies and gentlemen, that is a perfect woman! While little girls are dreaming about having a perfect wedding, I’m dreaming about having a perfect wife!
As for the numerous cynics who have been complaining about the excessive news coverage of the wedding, I want to remind them that this is a 911-year-old tradition. While I realize there are more pertinent things occurring in the world, you must keep in mind that weddings at Westminster Abbey have been occurring since the Middle Ages. That's almost half the length of time it has been since 'Jesus' did his thing.
My only concern is the cost. I don't like that the British people were forced to pay for this wedding while accepting austerity cuts. That's offensive to me, which is why I’ve decided to satirize it!
Unemployed British Student Admits To Having Loved The Royal Wedding
Greater London, U.K—An unemployed British student whose education was cut short as per Prime Minister David Cameron’s austerity cuts — which slashed college funding, housing aid, and public sector jobs — has publicly admitted to having wept in joy when we watched the royal wedding at the Cardinal Hume Centre homeless shelter.
“Man, if I had known how spectacular and breathtaking this wedding was going to be, I would have given up all my dreams and aspirations and become a tramp a long time ago,” said 22-year-old Willie G. Zeitman, who is affectionately known by his indigent companions as ‘Lil Prince William’ because he too likes to do absolutely nothing substantial with his time.
Willie had been pursuing a first-class honours degree in BA journalism studies at City University London, but the sudden spike in tuition fees forced him to put aside his fulltime education and get a job as a wasteman. Then when his job was cut, he moved into a public housing community. Soon after, the housing community shut down and he ended up on the streets.
“Yeah, it kind of sucks to have no possessions and nothing to do, but if you do the math, you’ll see that Prince William and Kate are clearly worth far more than the rest of us millions of commoners,” said Willie.
He added, “Mind you, the only reason they’re worth that much is because we pay their bills.”
Moral of the story: I’m just picking on the fact that the wedding could potentially cost the U.K. an estimated 2.5 to 50 billion USD in lost productivity. And it doesn't help that, according to ABC News, the wedding itself cost between 16 million to 64 million USD. Security accounts for most of the bill, and it is the British people (including the COMMONERS) who must pay for it. Not to sound cynical — I personally enjoyed watching the wedding and I wish William and Kate the best of luck with their new lives — but it seems very screwed up considering all the austerity cuts that have been imposed on the people.
Annoyed Tall Halls Have Had It Up To Here With Funky-Smelling Republicans
Washington DC—Town halls across the United States held a press meeting Friday on Capitol Hill to announce that they are fed up with smelly republicans stinking up their elegant hallways.
“Look, I’ve had a lot of foul liberal smells in my hallway before — unwashed clothes, marijuana smoke, and fear, to name a few — but they were nothing compared to the odor the republicans left this week,” said the Orlanda, Florida Town Hall, which was used this past Tuesday by freshman Republican Congressman Dan Webster to promote House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan's House budget plan. “Webster smelled just like a freshman; he was covered in so much sweat and cologne that it would have taken just one flick of a lighter to start a fire.”
The Town Hall also stated that at least once a week, republicans blow so much gas out their ass that a professional cleaning service must be hired to eradicate the stench.
Paul Ryan himself also came under extreme criticism. According to the Milton, Wisconsin Town Hall, who hosted him earlier this week, Ryan has extremely bad breath.
“Every time the guy opened his mouth, a stream of the most rancid breath began weaving its way all over my hall,” she said. “It boggles my mind to think that anyone out there would support the plan of a guy who doesn’t even know how to use a breath mint!”
She added, “Until he buys some mints, maybe he should just keep his mouth shut.”
Moral of the story: Hey republicans, you stink! Except Joe Scarborough. I personally think he smells okay, though word through the grapevine is that Mika thinks he has bad body odor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Well, that’s it.
PS #1. I don’t know about you all, but I’m willing to forgive Trump for his transgressions, but first he must apologize for all his bullshit. Until then, he can suck my d***.
PS #2. If you don’t like the Onion and you think they suck, then let them know by filling out this survey. :-)
PS #3. At the Onion: Remember when I said I’d get you back? I GOT YOU BACK, BITCHES! (Assuming the people in Raleigh blow you up with negative, shit-talking reviews. If they don’t, then thank you for breaking my heart, people of Raleigh!)
PS #4. I suffer from penis eyes. My penis is so big that all I see is it sticking up in front of my face. (I’m out of f**king ideas, okay!?)
PS #5. NIGHT!
No comments:
Post a Comment