June 24th | Grind'N (Dom Kennedy)

Evening, folks.

I’ve been working extremely hard this week because money is ultra tight right now, so this will be an extra-short post. I usually only work 4.5 to 5 days a week, but this week I opted to put in close to 6 full days of work. Phew. It sucks, but it won’t suck so much next week when I get paid AND get another dose of e-cigarette commissions! My plans? Buy a new pair of headphones and books, books and more books! I LOVE BOOKS! Speaking of which . . .

The Magic of Twilight | Book 1 of the Nessantico Cycle

First of all, this book has nothing whatso friggen ever to do with vampires. It is, in the words of New York Times bestselling author George R. R. Martin, “a delicious mélange of politic, war, sorcery and religion.”

It centers around the holdings of Nessantico, a collection of states ruled by the Kralijica (Empress) and Archigos (Pope) of Nessantico City. The word secular doesn’t really exist in the Nessantico holdings, as everything is tied to the Concenzia Faith—including magic, or what they refer to as the Illmodo.

It is the belief of the teni (priests) of Concenzia that the Illmodo can only be channeled through faith. There are others, though, namely the Numetodo, who claim to be able to channel the Illmodo through reason and logic. It is the hope of the Kralijica and Archigos to eventually convert the Numetodo to the faith through non-violent ways. Others lack the patience for this method, however.

In particular, the leader of the a’teni (those directly beneath the Archigos), a’teni Orlandi ca’Cellibrecca, and the leader of the state of Firenzcia, Jan ca’Vorl, scheme to overtake the Archigos and Kralijica, respectively, so as to usher in a new age of true dedication—one based strictly on the crude teachings of the Divolonte, a loose collection of manmade rules and regulations by which the faith is governed. Their goal is to literally kill off all the nonbelivers, including the Numetodo, whom they deem as a threat to Concenzia.

The irony is that it is in fact the Toustour (kind of like a Bible) that speaks Cenzi’s (God’s) true words. Sadly, those like the ca’Cellibrecca and ca’Vorl are quick to quote the Divolonte’s archaic rules when defending their actions.

Sound interesting? Below is my favorite extended-quote from the book:

Warning: It may seem really long, but it really isn’t.

“You’ve never been to the western borders? Never crossed the Strettosei to Hellin or the Isle of Paeti?” Cu’Rudka shoot his head. “If you had,” Karl continued, “you might understand. Ah, the Isle . . . There’s not a greener, more lush and more varied country in the world. And there, Commandant, where a dozen cultures have come and gone, we understand that ‘different’ isn’t a synonym for ‘wrong.’ There are many ways to learning the truth of how the world works, Commandant. The Concenzia Faith is just one. It’s just not the one, not the only way. I have seen things . . .” He stopped, shaking his head. The motion rattled the chains around his hands and caused the guards to glance into the cell again. “You would probably have me flayed for telling you,” he said.

Ca’Rudka had turned back into the room, leaning against the wall by the balcony. “If I wanted to flay you, Vajiki, I would have already done it, and for less provocation. Tell me.”

Karl licked his lips. “My parents lived on the eastern coast of the Isle. They were of the Faith, and they brought me up to believe in Cenzi. They read the Toustour to me; they followed the precepts of the Divolonte. When I became a young man, though, I had the wanderlust and I traveled with a company of traders beyond the Isle to what you call the Westlands, past the green mountains on the borders of Hellin. That trip opened my eyes and my mind. There, out in a flat plain of grasses that stretched like a waving ocean from horizon to horizon, I saw a city that could have easily held three Nessanticos, grand and glorious, with enormous buildings like stepped mountains on top of which their priests held their ceremonies, with buildings of cut stone that gleamed in the sun, while canals glittered with sweet water alongside avenues wider than the Avi. The people there wore clothing of a fabric I’d never seen before, bright and smooth to the touch, a cloth that let the breezes flow through to keep you cool in the heat. And at night—Commandant, they city glowed with magefire brighter than the Avi. They used your Illmodo, too, though they didn’t call it either ‘Illmodo’ or ‘Scath Cumhacht,’ nor did they worship Cenzi, who they considered just another God among many. But they could shape the Second World as well as any of the teni. That, Commandant, is when my own faith began to waver.”

“Perhaps it was a test,” ca’Rudka answered without emotion. “One that you failed.”

“That’s what the teni on the Isle told me later.” Karl shrugged. “The traders I traveled with said that there were even greater cities, farther west and south, all the way to the shore of the Western Sea two hundred days’ or more march from where we were. They said that they were part of an empire larger, richer, and more powerful than the Holdings. I don’t necessarily believe those stories—I know as well as you that travelers’ tales grow with each telling, and that it’s our nature to make ourselves sound more like great adventurers than simple tourists. But this city . . . I saw it with these eyes, and I’ve never seen its like anywhere else. I know this, Commandant: there are more mysteries in this world than the Concenzia Faith will allow you to believe.”

Ca’Rudka smiled indulgently at the long speech. “Sometimes, to young eyes, the small looks larger than it is. I would think that if such a great empire exists beyond the Hellin Mountains, we would have met its armies or at least its envoys when we came to the Hellins. I may not have been there myself, but I met the Governor of the Hellins when he was last in Nessantico, and he said that the nations there were little more than savages.”

“He sees them with the wrong eyes, them,” Karl answered. “Like looking through the stained glass of the temple, he doesn’t see the true colors beyond.”

“And you do? I find that rather arrogant, Envoy ci’Vliomani. It surprises me to find that quality in you.”

“We all have colored glasses through which we view the world, Commandant,” Karl answered. “Our society and our upbringing and our experiences place the glass before us, with the Numetodo no less than the Concenzia Faith. I don’t deny that. But I think we Numetodo have more shades of color from which to choose and that, as result, we are closer to the truth.”



I highly recommend it. And oh, the main character is a sexy, brown-skinned teni known as Ana cu’Seranta.

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PHEW! If that ain’t fire, then I don’t know what is!

PS #1. To hell with Lulzsec. I didn’t mind them screwing with Fox a little or stealing files from corrupt governments, but I don’t f**king appreciate them messing with the lives of innocent Americans, including officers of the law. That they released 60,000 logins and passwords for random people’s Facebook, Twitter and WoW accounts was bad enough. Now they’ve released confidential information regarding hundreds of Arizona’s finest. That irritates me.

I’m not a fan of Arizona’s law either, because I believe it’s morally wrong. By the same token, I feel that Lulzsec’s actions are just as reprehensible, if not more so. And yeah, I’m not afraid to say it, though I do want to take a brief moment to offer Lulzsec a one-on-one message…

PLEASEEEEEEEEE DON’T HACK ME! PRETTY PLEASE DON’T HACK ME! I’LL SUCK YO **** IF YOU DON’T HACK ME!

On a more serious note, I hope all the “I bench press 60-pound” twads from Lulzsec get caught, arrested and then anally raped by a big, possibly-black guy named Darnell (or Donald).

PS #2. WHITEY WENT DOWNNNNNNNNNNNNN, FOO’! (nuff said!)

PS #3. Please start paying attention to the friggen news if you don’t understand PS #2., lol.

PS #4. Shout out to Raleigh’s own, JuStyle Entertainment, for their latest video, Put My Hands On You, which, I would like to note, is worthy of being on 106 n Park, without a doubt! The video quality is amazing, the lyrics are just what the bitches *cough* I mean females *cough* like and the beat is pretty hot.

PS #5. If the Onion doesn’t get a Pulitzer, I will track down every friggen person on the Pulitzer board—Danielle Allen, Jim Amoss, Randell Beck, Lee C. Bollinger, Kathleen Carroll, Joyce Dehli, Junot Diaz, Thomas L. Friedman, Paul Gigot, Sig Gissler, David M. Kennedy, Nicholas Lemann, Ann Marie Lipinski, Gregory L Moore, Eugene Robinson, Paul Tash, Jim VandeHei and Keven Ann Willey—tie them up, pull out my dick and then make them pull it til I have an orgasm.

pEaCe n 1

FINAL PS – For some odd reason, whenever I orgasm, I utter the word “Sir.” Hmm…

(Let me explain this for the idiots who now think I’m gay. I’m making them PULL IT. And I say SIR when I orgasm. PULL + IT + SIR = PULL IT SIR = Pulitzer. Jesus friggen Cenzi, you guys are some real dingbats!)

June 17th | Only God Can Judge Me (2Pac) [Happy 40th Birthday]

Wasup, folks. I had a pretty damn good week, and I hope ya’ll did as well! I got a bit of shit on my mind, so I feel like expressing it.

WackyVille

This has been one wacky-ass week in the political hemisphere:

Rick Perry thinks he’s a prophet.

Anthony Weiner’s career has officially come to an end.

President Obama realized it’s hard to maintain a Puerto Rican accent.

Rush Limbaugh totally dissed conservative women by saying they're "inclined to vote on superficial and emotional things first." (Daps @ Limbaugh, j/k)

A Tampa-based Tea Party group (Tampa 912 Project) is holding a summer camp to educate children on the benefits of gold, teach them about the lack of freedom in Europe and, of course, show them how sharing is a form of Socialism.

The GOP is trying to terminate programs that help low-income and middle class families, not to mention low-income senior citizens. Meanwhile, the Appropriations Committee is about to approve a $649 billion increase in defense spending.

According to various studies—I am way too lazy to list out all my sources right now—corporate profits have been going up while workers' share of national income has been going down. In addition, corporate tax revenues represent only 1.3% of the GDP.

On Thursday at the Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans, Newt Gingrich said that President Barack Obama is a “natural, secular European Socialist” who doesn’t believe in freedom—to which a deluded woman in the crowd replied, “YES!”

Conservative SuperPAC Turn Right USA released an extremely racist and offensive political ad that suggests that LA Democratic congressional candidate Janice Hahn supports gangbanging merely because she supported a program that trains reformed gang members on how to prevent gang violence. The video also insulted all true hiphop fans by suggesting loud music, deep beats and booty-shaking hoes equate to ignorance and violence.

My response to all this—and this was just a tiny, tiny list of all that’s occurring—is quite simple, really:



The King of Corny vs The King of Darkness

It has come to my attention this week that Mitt Romney is a corny dork. In fact, he may even be the King of Corny, though I’m willing to go head-to-head against him for that title. Regardless, here’s an example of what I mean:

Romney’s attempt at a joke—“I saw the young man over there with eggs Benedict, with hollandaise sauce,” he said. “And I was going to suggest to you that you serve your eggs with hollandaise sauce in hubcaps. Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.”

What in the bloody hell does that mean!? Was he meaning to make hollandaise sound like holidays!? I’m so friggen lost…

Anyway. Romney’s awkward demeanor is somewhat endearing to me, personally, because I too am a corny idiot. And the fact that he was able to get married and have kids as a corny dork provides me with a great deal of inspiration.

HOWEVER… there’s another side to Romney: DARTH Romney.

As the former CEO of Bain Capital, Romney profited as five of the companies under his firm’s control went bankrupt and fired thousands of workers.

This is how the New York Post characterized his actions:

“The former private equity firm chief's fortune—which has funded his political ambitions from the Massachusetts statehouse to his unsuccessful run for the White House in 2008—was made on the backs of companies that ultimately collapsed, putting thousands of ordinary Americans out on the street. That truth if it becomes widely known could become costly to Romney, who, while making the media rounds recently, told CNN's Piers Morgan that "People in America want to know who can get 15 million people back to work," implying he was that person.

Romney's private equity firm, Bain Capital, bought companies and often increased short-term earnings so those businesses could then borrow enormous amounts of money. That borrowed money was used to pay Bain dividends. Then those businesses needed to maintain that high level of earnings to pay their debts.”

And according to a 2007 article by the Los Angeles Times, “From 1984 until 1999, Romney led Bain Capital, a Boston-based private equity group that earned jaw-dropping profits through leveraged buyouts, debt hedge funds, offshore tax havens and other financial strategies. In some cases, Romney's team closed U.S. factories, causing hundreds of layoffs, or pocketed huge fees shortly before companies collapsed.”

My point is that Romney’s façade is starting to fade away, which is ironic since his appeal among republicans is gradually beginning to rise. It just goes to show how different liberals and conservatives are—as we liberals start to dislike someone, conservatives start to like the same person, and vice versa.



The Perpetual Noob (Dedicated To The Kids)

‘Noob’ is an online gaming term used to describe players who are new to a game. That they don’t know how to properly use all the available controls to devastate their opponents is abundantly clear to everyone else—ergo, they’re friggen noobs, and they get called out for it. It’s essentially a pejorative used to make fun of “losers” (I realize the irony here) whose first-person shooting skills suck.

What really sucks, however, is that I am the perpetual noob. Though I’ve been playing multiplayer video games since like forever—dude, I used to play Quake 1 deathmatches while listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers (“Give it away, give it away, give it away now!”)—I still suck at them because I’m a clumsy, mental reject. To this day, I still get owned on every damn multiplayer game I play, including Boxhead Bounty Hunter.

Yeah… it sucks ass constantly getting called a “noob” by diaper-wearing, mommy’s-boob-sucking 12-year-olds.

Just remember, you little bastards: I may be a noob, but at least I ain’t no friggen virgin, you no-pube-having punkasses!



Grow A Pair Or Get A Strap-On!

I really like the writing of Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz, two sarcastic broads who work for Stuff Hipsters Hate, Mashable.com, Psychology Today and sometimes even CNN.com. Their writing is intelligent and witty. More importantly, Brenna and Andrea both possess what I like to refer to as a nerdgina—which, by the way, is my favorite type of vagina, though the silicone lining on the lips does kind of freak me the f**k out.

Unfortunately, many CNN.com viewers are too stuck up their unkempt asses to appreciate such fine parody and satire. Just this past week the pair of psycho dames submitted a piece entitled, “Apps for Socially Awkward People.” The premise was to offer social freaks viable solutions while also making fun of them. I found it to be hilarious and even slightly useful. However, everybody else felt differently—especially a feller named Luke:

“This is not funny at all. Having social aversion is not fun in the slightest and making a mockery of it is disgusting. It is a burden that causes isolation and depression. As someone who finds social situations difficult, I can tell you that you are 100% wrong in what you think "social awkward" people are. We aren't badly dressed any more than others. We aren't incapable of scanning the room for people we know, in fact I think I have become really adept at that, because we normally fell more comfortable around people we know.

You two sick, immature, and juvenile. Grow up. You two are actually some of the problem, because people who make fun of people (bullying) causes people (especially children) to introvert and become troubled.”

That reply irritated me. I understand that the chap has emotional problems, but there’s a difference between acting like a jerk, which is what he was doing, and writing something we in the business like to call satire or parody.

Look, I’ve lived all my life with Asperger Syndrome, Social Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so I know what it feels like to be teased. However, as a grown-ass man with a brain, I’m capable of differentiating between purposefully painful insults and well-intentioned satire/parody. More importantly, I’m strong enough inside to deal with sometimes being offended without throwing a Soulja-Boy-like fit.

Every single week I’m offended or teased in some way, shape or form, but I deal with it and move on. Yeah, I get angry, but then I reflect and write about it in a way that expresses my emotions while also entertaining my audience. That’s how I cope. My question is—how do you cope, Luke?

Anyway. The bottom line is that I take satire extremely seriously—which is why I laugh so hard at it—so I get really annoyed when dorks like Luke Gaywalker throw a pity party every single friggen time Brenna Ehrlich (the cute one) and Andrea Bartz (the potential lesbian one; grow the hair out, girlfriend!) submit one of their brilliant pieces to CNN.com.

That said, I have a message to all the mental rejects out there incapable of appreciating quality satire: grow a pair! And if you can’t do that, then maybe you should consider buying some heartily sized strap-ons!





Move over purple-overall-teacher lady, cuz I think I’m getting a new crush! But this time I’m crushing on two women at once. This will be my first-ever threesome crush! Friggen awesome!

Too Food Cool For School

I’ve never been a food guy. Whereas true food aficionados watch Food TV, I prefer the drama of Chef Gordan Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen: “Learn to cook, you stupid, fat worthless bitch!” Lately, however, I’ve been starting to better appreciate the fine intricacies of cooking a meal, courtesy of my Mom.

I started baking drumsticks a few months ago, but I quickly grew bored of the taste, as well as all the work involved. Then, upon my parent’s recent visit, my Mom taught me how to cook chicken curry. It’s an über-healthy meal chockablock with protein but almost entirely void of fat. I eat it every single day, except on Friday and Saturday, of course.

The beauty is that there are so many ways to tweak the design of my meal. Sometimes I use onions; others times I use onion powder or minced onions. The alterations seem so minute, yet they completely change the way the curry tastes. And I’ve just begun exploring, in that I have yet to try different powders and spices. It’s really quite an amazing journey.

Since I’m a loudmouth braggart who loves to share his exploits, I’ve decided to let ya’ll in on this amazing recipe.

Cut approximately 2 pounds of lean chicken breast meat into tiny pieces.
Put 2 to 4 tbs. of oil in a pot and set the stove on medium height.
Chop an onion in half, grind it up (I prefer a blender) and then sauté it in the oil for approximately a minute.
Add 2 tbs. tomato paste.
Add 1 tbs. minced garlic.
Add 2 tbs. curry powder.
Add salt and pepper.
Mix for a minute.
Add the meat and then let it chill for 30 minutes, though occasionally stirring is helpful.
Add a bunch of chopped up parsley or cilantro and then let it chill for another 10 minutes.

[ You can use more onions if you want, but I think it's gross like that. I'm thinking about trying diced tomatoes to add that American style to it. You can also use chili powder, if you're so inclined (I sure as hell ain't). ]

Put that shit on some rice and then add some other components to the meal: salad with lightweight dressing, low-fat cottage cheese, a cup of orange juice, etc.

BOOM. You’z done, son! You got an über-healthy meal that has barely any fat, yet is full of protein, nutrients, minerals and vitamins.

Best of all, it tastes terrific!



Farewell Tribute To Weiner















I’ll miss you, Weiner. And to express the feelings I have inside of me right now (wipes a tear from eyes), I wrote a song just for you. I’d like to sing it to you right now…

Lalalalalala (testing voice)

Here we go…

I wish I had Anthony Weiner’s weiner
That is what I truly wish
Cause if I had Anthony Weiner’s weiner
All the girls would be in love
Oh all the girls would be in love
Every girl would be in love with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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Thanks for reading. pEaCe.

PS #1. Twitter is becoming exceedingly popular! Unfortunately, I’m just not able to get into it. I completely respect it as a medium, but as a writer, I cannot limit myself to 140 char—even with acronyms, abbreviations and initialisms! It’s too bad, because I’m missing out. It’s blowing up like a balloon!

PS #2. I see some very beautiful MILFs while jogging. Many of them are a bit chubby and wrinkled like a raisin, but that’s normal for their age. It’s not normal for women my age, however, which is why I’m so picky when it comes to love. Those who are already overweight in theirs 20s and 30s are likely to one day turn into giganotosaurus women—and that’s just not acceptable.

Of course, since I’m a shy and goofy pseudo-intellectual, I’m only able to attract women with extremely low standards (gotta love the irony). It doesn’t matter, though, because this cat ain’t settling. I’d rather die alone than ever do that. Hell, I’ve been alone for the majority of my life, so this shit ain’t nothing but a G thang to me. Some of you people who bounce from relationship to relationship might want to give it a try. It’ll do your mind good!

PS #3. This one extremely cute MILF smiled at me. What’s interesting is that she was with a guy who kind of resembled me. He was shorter, but he looked Indian. And he had glasses. And he was butt ugly (he’s like my real father or something). It really warms my heart to know that he and her might be an item. I just hope to God I don’t have to wait as long as he did!!!

PS #4. Check out this story about China:

"The unrest seems to belie the image of China as a bustling economy going from strength to strength, enriching the lives of millions across the country, especially in the industrial south. But the problem is many people feel they are not getting their fair share of the rapid growth."

China is killing us on education and infrastructure, both of which are incredibly important, but we’re still number one because we’re free. We’re one of those rare nations where you really can be whatever the f**k you want to be, whether others like it or not. Unfortunately, the ultra-right and ultra-religious movement wants to curb that. Geez… I’m really starting to sound like a liberal fanatic, LOL. (Hey Onion-->Make fun of me for that: liberal who hates fanatics is now a fanatic)

PS #5. I’m out of ideas and thoughts… Good night!

June 10th | Did It On 'Em (Nicki Minaj) [CASUAL BLOG]

Evening! Sorry, but there won’t be any satire this week as well. I’m very homesick right now. I miss my old home, I miss playing fetching fetch in my old backyard, I miss exploring the forest behind my old crib with my dog, I miss my private downstairs entrance, I miss sometimes getting crunk with my leeching homeboy Peter, I miss sometimes hanging out with my former 18-year-old roomie, I miss the ol’ gas-station attendants who knew my dog by name (except that one tall Arabian/African/SOMETHING guy who can’t speak or understand English worth a friggen dayum), I miss the old grocery store, I miss smoking indoors and I miss trying to steal a glance at that one chick who is now fading from memory.

You know what else I miss? WINTER! When it’s cold outside, you can wrap yourself in a coat. But when it’s hot outside, there’s naught you can do but let it burn, baby! And believe me when I say that I’m on fire! The only good thing about this is that I look quite sexy with a tan.

Anyway…

The Minority Report

I’m a minority, and I’ve always been a minority. It’s not because I’m not white or because I’m Asian; it’s because I’m an odd egg. I’m the Ugly Duckling’s cousin: Donald “WTF” Duck. I say “WTF” because many people who encounter me later ask, “What the f**k?” :-)

On a more serious note, being a minority is a bitch, but it’s a bitch with whom I’ve become quite intimate. I’ve been through a lot, you know—kindergarten (I repeated it!), high school, college and even DOC. Yet, regardless of my experiences, the fact that I’m a minority still haunts me.

When I first moved into a townhouse 2.5 years ago, I wasn’t too thrilled. I hated the home, I hated my neighbors and I hated the community. I was in a strange world, and I felt like my minority status was as conspicuous as a sore thumb. Through the years, however, I came to love it all:

multiracial groups of kids hanging out together;

obnoxious highschool boys meandering the sidewalks with their pants down low;

dealers dispensing bootlegged CDs at the gas station (it became more rare in the recent years, but still);

lacs n caprices rolling through the neighborhood with their speakers pumping bass like whoa;

and chocolate beauties swaying their butts left and right while walking to the store.

I’m very attracted to white women, but I find the almost-choreographed sway of a black woman’s ass to be quite fascinating. It’s an enigma!

I’m in a new community now, and I’m experiencing the same feelings all over again, but I feel like it’s even worse this time around. I just got called a dork earlier today because, unlike everybody else in the entire area, I like to match my hip-hop-styled clothes. EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON in a 25 mile radius prefers to wear brown shorts or pants, a dingy t-shirt and flip-flops (even the women!). I don’t care how they dress, but a few of them care about how I dress.

It’s frustrating. It’s really a different world out here—and I feel very alone. Going to the grocery store or just visiting the gas station feels so awkward. It’s certainly not a racial matter, because this community houses some black people as well. It’s more so that I’m a minority because I’m extremely different; I feel very out of place and out of whack. I miss my previous home. I miss the part of town (NE Raleigh) that was my home for over 5 years—since I came to Raleigh, in fact.

Sighs. I apologize for my whining, ranting and raving, but moving is difficult. The first few weeks passed fairly easily because I was just glad to feel stabilized. I had my weights, my computer, my cable and my weekend pizza. But now that those feelings have evaporated, I have to really confront the move—and I’m not happy with it at the moment. Mind you, it has nothing to do with my new home and roomie, both of which are awesome. Suffice it to say, it’s not you; it’s me! (LOL)

Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest. I wonder if any of my former neighbors miss me in the slightest bit. *Scoffs* The one chick I liked probably dances around naked every day in glee. Just remember—I’LL BE BACK! I don’t know how long it’ll take and when it’ll happen, but I’m coming back to NE Raleigh one day! That’s where my heart’s at, lady, so sorry!

Dirty, Stinking Weiner (Just Pull The Skin Back And Wash It Already, You Nasty F**k)

Weiner, Weiner, Weiner—how he disappoints me! Not only did his disgusting actions cause me to accidentally stumble on a picture of his rancid co*k on Google, which in turn led to me puke all over my own co*k (I was naked at the time because I had just got done watching the Daily Show), but it also hurt his absolutely stunning wife:



Dude, I understand cheating on an ugly wife—that’s just friggen common sense—but how the hell are you going to cyber-cheat on a babe like THAT (points to the picture above)!?

On a more serious note, I take umbrage to all the conservative Internet trolls painting liberals as a bunch of hypocrites. Frankly, I don’t care about sex scandals and I never have. The only reason I tuned in for this scandal, for that matter, is because the dude involved has the last name Weiner. To skip out on this would have been a pure sin.

The only people practicing hypocrisy are republican politicians. Folks like Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus and House Majority leader Eric Cantor are trying to exploit this scandal for political gain. They’re making Weiner out to be a monster, though they saw no reason for Senator David Vitter to resign after he admitted to hiring a hooker and repeatedly lying about it.

Meanwhile, most democrats have turned their back on Weiner, including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and even super-duper liberal mouthpiece Ed Schultz. Personally, I think they should stand up for him, but I don’t mind that they’re not because at least they’re remaining consistent and principled—which is more than I can say about other politicians.

I personally don’t give a rat’s ass that Vitter likes hoes (I do too!) or that Weiner thinks it GQ to get it on doggy style while watching the Daily Show (I’ve never done it, but I plan too). What I do mind is being called a lying hypocrite by people who trek in so much bullshit that they’re incapable of even acknowledging their own party’s hypocritical ways. I also don’t appreciate them referring to Weiner as a “filthy liar” and a “dirtbag.”

This is the same Weiner who stood up for the 9/11 Zadroga Act, aka the First Responders Bill. Let’s take a look at the great souls who voted AGAINST it:

Senate—

Lamar Alexander, REPUBLICAN, Tennessee.
John Barrasso, REPUBLICAN, Wyoming.
Robert Foster Bennett, REPUBLICAN, Utah.
Kit Bond, REPUBLICAN, Missouri.
Scott Brown, REPUBLICAN, Massachusetts.
Sam Brownback, REPUBLICAN, Kansas.
Jim Bunning, REPUBLICAN, Kentucky.
Richard Burr, REPUBLICAN, North Carolina.
Saxby Chambliss, REPUBLICAN, Georgia.
Tom Coburn, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma.
Thad Cochran, REPUBLICAN, Mississippi.
Susan Collins, REPUBLICAN, Maine.
Bob Corker, REPUBLICAN, Tennessee.
John Cornyn, REPUBLICAN, Texas.
Mike Crapo, REPUBLICAN, Idaho.
Jim DeMint, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina.
John Ensign, REPUBLICAN, Nevada.
Mike Enzi, REPUBLICAN, Wyoming.
Lindsey Graham, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina.
Chuck Grassley, REPUBLICAN, Iowa.
Judd Gregg, REPUBLICAN, New Hampshire.
Orrin Hatch, REPUBLICAN, Utah.
Kay Bailey Hutchison, REPUBLICAN, Texas.
Jim Inhofe, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma.
Johnny Isakson, REPUBLICAN, Georgia.
Mike Johanns, REPUBLICAN, Nebraska.
Mark Kirk, REPUBLICAN, Illinois.
Jon Kyl, REPUBLICAN, Arizona.
George LeMieux, REPUBLICAN, Florida.
Richard Lugar, REPUBLICAN, Indiana.
John McCain, REPUBLICAN, Arizona.
Mitch McConnell, REPUBLICAN, Kentucky.
Lisa Murkowski, REPUBLICAN, Alaska.
Jim Risch, REPUBLICAN, Idaho.
Pat Roberts, REPUBLICAN, Kansas.
Jeff Sessions, REPUBLICAN, Alabama.
Richard Shelby, REPUBLICAN, Alabama.
Olympia Snowe, REPUBLICAN, Maine.
John Thune, REPUBLICAN, South Dakota.
DAVID VITTER, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana.
George Voinovich, REPUBLICAN, Ohio.
Roger Wicker, REPUBLICAN, Mississippi.

House—

Robert Aderholt, REPUBLICAN, Alabama’s 4th District.
Rodney Alexander, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana’s 5th District.
Steve Austria, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 7th District.
Michele Bachmann, REPUBLICAN, Minnesota’s 6th District.
Spencer Bachus, REPUBLICAN, Alabama’s 6th District.
J. Gresham Barrett, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina’s 3rd District.
Joe Barton, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 6th District.
Melissa Bean, Democrat, Illinois’ 8th District.
Robert Marion Berry, Democrat, Arkansas’ 1st District.
Judy Biggert, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 13th District.
Brian P. Bilbray, REPUBLICAN, California’s 50th District.
Gus M. Bilirakis, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 9th District.
Rob Bishop, REPUBLICAN, Utah’s 1st District.
Marsha Blackburn, REPUBLICAN, Tennessee’s 7th District.
Roy Blunt, REPUBLICAN, Missouri’s 7th District.
John Boehner, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 8th District.
Jo Bonner, REPUBLICAN, Alabama’s 1st District.
Mary Bono Mack, REPUBLICAN, California’s 45th District.
John Boozman, REPUBLICAN, Arkansas’ 3rd District.
Charles W. Boustany Jr, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana’s 7th District.
Kevin Brady, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 8th District.
Bobby Bright, Democrat, Alabama’s 2nd District.
Paul C. Brown, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 10th District.
Henry Brown, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina’s 1st District.
Virginia “Ginny” Brown-Wiate, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 5th District.
Vern Buchanan, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 13th District.
Michael Burgess, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 26th District.
Dan Burton, REPUBLICAN, Indiana’s 5th District.
Steve Buyer, REPUBLICAN, Indiana’s 4th District.
Ken Calvert, REPUBLICAN, California’s 44th District.
Daye Camp, REPUBLICAN, Michigan’s 4th District.
John Campbell, REPUBLICAN, California’s 48th District.
Eric Cantor, REPUBLICAN, Virginia’s 7th District.
Shelly Moore Capito, REPUBLICAN, West Virginia’s 2nd District.
John Carter, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 31st District.
Bill Cassidy, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana’s 6th District.
Michael N. Castle, REPUBLICAN, Delaware At Large.
Jason Chaffetz, REPUBLICAN, Utah’s 3rd District.
Howard Coble, Repubican, North Carolina’s 6th District.
Mike Coffman, REPUBLICAN, Colorado’s 6th District.
Tom Cole, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma’s 4th District.
Michael K. Conaway, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 11th District.
Jim Cooper, Democrat, Tennessee’s 5th District.
Ander Crenshaw, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 4th District.
John Culberson, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 28th District.
Geoff Davis, REPUBLICAN, Kentucy’s 4th District.
Lincoln Diaz-Balart, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 21st District.
Mario Diaz-Balart, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 25th District.
Charles Djou, REPUBLICAN, Hawaii’s 1st District.
David Dreier, REPUBLICAN, California’s 26th District.
John J. Duncan Jr., REPUBLICAN, Tennessee’s 2nd District.
Vernon J. Elhers, REPUBLICAN, Michigan’s 3rd District.
Jo Ann Emerson, REPUBLICAN, Missouri’s 8th District.
Mary Fallin, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma’s 5th District.
Jeff Flake, REPUBLICAN, Arizona’s 6th District.
John Fleming, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana’s 4th District.
Randy Forbes, REPUBLICAN, Virginia’s 4th District.
Jeff Fortenberry, REPUBLICAN, Nebraska’s 1st District.
Virginia Foxx, REPUBLICAN, North Carolina’s 5th District.
Trent Franks, REPUBLICAN, Arizona’s 2nd District.
Elton Gallegly, REPUBLICAN, California’s 24th District.
Scott Garrett, REPUBLICAN, New Jersey’s 5th District.
Jim Gerlach, REPUBLICAN, Pennsylvania’s 6th District.
Phil Gingrey, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 11th District.
Louie Gohmert, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 1st District.
Bob Goodlatte, REPUBLICAN, Virginia’s 6th District.
Kay Granger, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 12th District.
Tom Graves, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 9th District.
Sam Graves, REPUBLICAN, Missouri’s 6th District.
Ralph M. Hall, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 4th District.
Gregg Harper, REPUBLICAN, Mississippi’s 3rd District.
Doc Hastings, REPUBLICAN, Washington’s 4th District.
Dean Heller, REPUBLICAN, Nevada’s 2nd District.
Jeb Hensarling, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 5th District.
Wally Herger, REPUBLICAN, California’s 2nd District.
Duncan D. Hunter, REPUBLICAN, California’s 52nd District.
Bob Inglis, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina’s 4th District.
Darrell Issa, REPUBLICAN, California’s 49th District.
Lynn Jenkins, REPUBLICAN, Kansas’ 2nd District.
Timothy V. Johnson, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 15th District.
Sam Johnson, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 3rd District.
Jim Jordan, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 4th District.
Steve King, REPUBLICAN, Iowa’s 5th District.
Jack Kingston, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 1st District.
John Kline, REPUBLICAN, Minnesota’s 2nd District.
Doug Lamborn, REPUBLICAN, Colorado’s 5th District.
Tom Latham, REPUBLICAN, Iowa’s 4th District.
Steven C. LaTourette, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 14th District.
Robert E. Latta, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 14th District.
Christopher J. Lee, REPUBLICAN, New York’s 26th District.
Jerry Lewis, REPUBLICAN, California’s 41st District
John Linder, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 7th District.
Frank Lucas, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma’s 3rd District.
Blaine Luetkemeyer, REPUBLICAN, Missouri’s 9th District.
Cynthia M. Lummis, REPUBLICAN, Wyoming At Large.
Daniel E. Lungren, REPUBLICAN, California’s 3rd District.
Connie Mack, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 14th District.
Donald Manzullo, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 16th District.
Kenny Marchant, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 24th District.
Michael T. McCaul, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 10th District.
Tom McClintock, REPUBLICAN, California’s 4th District.
Thaddeus McCotter, REPUBLICAN, Michigan’s 11th District.
Patrick T. McHenry, REPUBLICAN, North Carolina’s 10th District.
Buck McKeon, REPUBLICAN, California’s 25th District.
Cathy McMorris-Rodgers, REPUBLICAN, Washington’s 5th District.
John Mica, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 17th District.
Jeff Miller, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 1st District.
Gary Miller, REPUBLICAN, California’s 42nd District.
Sue Myrick, REPUBLICAN, North Carolina’s 9th District.
Randy Neugebauer, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 19th District.
Devin Nunes, REPUBLICAN, California’s 21st District.
Pete Olson, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 22nd District.
Ron Paul, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 14th District.
Erik Paulsen, REPUBLICAN, Minnesota’s 3rd District.
Mike Pence, REPUBLICAN, Indiana’s 6th District.
Thomas Petri, REPUBLICAN, Wisconsin’s 6th District.
Joseph R. Pitts, REPUBLICAN, Pennsylvania’s 16th District.
Todd Platts, REPUBLICAN, Pennsylvania’s 19th District.
Ted Poe, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 2nd District.
Bill Posey, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 15th District.
Tom Price, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 6th District.
Adam Putnam, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 12th District.
Dennis Rehberg, REPUBLICAN, Montana At Large
David G. Reichert, REPUBLICAN, Washington’s 8th District.
Phil Roe, REPUBLICAN, Tennessee’s 1st District.
Harold Rogers, REPUBLICAN, Kentucky’s 5th District.
Mike Rogers, REPUBLICAN, Alabama’s 3rd District.
Mike Rogers, REPUBLICAN, Michigan’s 8th District.
Dana Rohrabacher, REPUBLICAN, California’s 46th District.
Tom Rooney, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 16th District.
Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 18th District.
Peter J. Roskam, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 6th District.
Ed Royce, REPUBLICAN, California’s 40th District.
Paul Ryan, REPUBLICAN, Wisconsin’s 1st District.
Steve Scalise, REPUBLICAN, Louisiana’s 1st District.
Jean Schmidt, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 2nd District.
Aaron Schock, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 18th District.
James F. Sensenbrenner, REPUBLICAN, Wisconsin’s 5th District.
Pete Sessions, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 32nd District.
John Shimkus, REPUBLICAN, Illinois’ 19th District.
Bill Shuster, REPUBLICAN, Pennsylvania’s 9th District.
Mike Simpson, REPUBLICAN, Idaho’s 2nd District.
Adrian Smith, REPUBLICAN, Nebraska’s 3rd District.
Lamar Smith, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 21st District.
Cliff Stearns, REPUBLICAN, Florida’s 6th District.
John Sullivan, REPUBLICAN, Oklahoma’s 1st District.
Lee Terry, REPUBLICAN, Nebraska’s 2nd District.
Glenn W. Thompson, REPUBLICAN, Pennsylvania’s 5th District.
Mac Thornberry, REPUBLICAN, Texas’ 13th District.
Pat Tiberi, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 12th District.
Michael Turner, REPUBLICAN, Ohio’s 3rd District.
Fred Upton, REPUBLICAN, Michigan’s 6th District.
Greg Walden, REPUBLICAN, Oregon’s 2nd District.
Lynn A. Westmoreland, REPUBLICAN, Georgia’s 3rd District.
Ed Whitfield, REPUBLICAN, Kentucky’s 1st District.
Joe Wilson, REPUBLICAN, South Carolina’s 2nd District.
Robert J. Wittman, REPUBLICAN, Virginia’s 1st District.
Frank Wolf, REPUBLICAN, Virginia’s 10th District.

Wow… how charming.

I don’t mean to be so dickish (“shitted on 'em; man, I just shitted on 'em”), but I get quite defensive when I read incessant trash-talk about how we liberals are such unpatriotic hypocrites and liars. I know tensions are high and that they’re going to get worse as the 2012 elections approach, but let’s stay grounded here, folks!

Your Moment of Zen

“99.9% of all statistics are made up.” – Rush Limbaugh

Moral of the story #1: In the voice of MAD TV's Vancome Lady: Tcha, Ya Know What? NUH UH!



Moral of the story #2: Yeah, I stole the Moment of Zen from you, Jon Stewart! What the hell are YOU gonna’ do ‘bout it … you Yiddish schmuck? (What’s a Yidd!? All I know about Jewish culture I know from watching Seinfeld and the episode of Fresh Prince in which Milton Berle co-starred. That reminds me; I really want to try kreplach!)

-------------------------------------------

PS #1. – My roomie was watching Fox News earlier, which is totally cool, and I was amazed at how friggen hot their female correspondents are. Yo, if Mika Brzezinski, Andrea Mitchell and Rachel Maddow don’t spice it up soon, I may just have to switch to Fox. 4 real though! Come on ladies; use what you Mama done gave you :-).

PS #2. – Rachel Maddow especially needs to spice it up! (I’m really bored and out of ideas… OKAY!?) You know what she needs? A bonnet:



My PRINCESS!

That was lame, but what the hell…. I’M LAME! (HELLO!)

PS #3. – Does anybody know what a Cenk Uygur (prononounced SINK YOU-GRRRRR) is? Is it a mammal? Is it a fish? Does it have genitals or is it asexual? (LOL; that’s bloody funny as hell to me)

And GO TO HELL at any liberals who think I’m a total immature ass for laughing at Limbaugh. When it comes to politics, I’m hella liberal. But when it comes to comedy, I don’t take sides! Suffice it to say, though I think Rush is a scumbug, I also think he’s bloody funny as hell AT TIMES. Very rare times, but sometimes he does make me laugh. Sawwy…

PS #4. – That my roomie is conservative has nothing whatsoever to do with my current depression spell. I watch/read a lot of liberal stuff and I write a lot of shit, but I don’t discuss politics or involve it in my daily living. Politics to me is like this hazy cloud on the horizon. I like viewing it from afar, but that's the closest I'll ever get to it.

PS #5. – I really need a sound card. The integrated audio chip on my Dell is a piece of garbage. I’m wearing $100 headphones and getting $5 bass. Doesn’t anybody in this bloody town have a quality PCI or USB sound card they’d be willing to deliver to me if I pay a higher price!???

Aight. I’m up out this bitch. I don't know how long it'll be til I get back to my usual self, but just be patient with me.

1

June 3rd | Super Duper Stupid Swag (Pooh Bear feat. Petey Pablo) [CASUAL BLOG]

Evening. This post will be ultra short because I don't feel like writing. Couple things, though.

#1.

The artist I brought up is a local artist. Now, typically I can't stand anything to do with excrement, doo-doo, boo-boo, poo or pooh, but I'm willing to make an exception for Mr. Pooh Bear. This cat about to blow up on the scene just like them boys Troop 41, so check out his pre-pre-pre video (the official shit hasn't even been recorded yet) on YouTube.

Mark my words--Raleigh will soon be the next city to make a permanent mark on the hiphop map. Petey Pablo started the movement almost a decade ago, but it's just now about to go all the way live! It's been a long time coming. I'm not in the hiphop game, but I love hiphop, so right on! So don't be surprised when Lacs on dubs and Caprices on 28s become commonplace sights in tha Capital City (SWAG).

#2.

The only real news story worth my attention this week has been the whole Weiner controversy. Unfortunately, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have already squeezed everything they can out of Weiner's weiner. Damn them. I'm a bit jealous because they're just so damn smart. Stewart can pick apart any political issue, while Colbert can quickly respond to anything with a funny joke. He's like a white Wayne Brady!

There's one thing they haven't quite considered, though. I think Weiner is purposefully dodging questions and acting suspicious because he wants people to think that his penis really is that big. He knows that the picture isn't of his weiner because his weiner is like a f**king thimble. But by not explicitly denying it, there exists a chance -- however abysmally slim -- that maybe he does in fact have a big dick.

That, ladies and gentleman, is called the male ego! Yeah. . .

#3.

If Weiner really did send a pic of his member to a grown-ass woman, then who the hell cares? People are acting so self-righteous. Oh, he's a CREEP? Do you have any idea how many desperate-ass, broke hoes land in my e-mail box everyday with sexy pictures, talking about "chat me up at my website, boo!"

This country acts so self-righteous at times. Our society is full of sexual perverts and heathens -- if you've ever played naked Twister, then you, Sir or Madam, are a PERV -- yet they try to hide behind some façade, pretending as if they're non-sexual beings. Man, this is 2011. If Marie Barone ain't afraid to admit that she likes to get it on, then why should anyone else?

Here's a shocker for ya'll. . .. not only do politicians get it on, but they take showers and . . . O.M.G. . . . they take shits! They're human.

Now, there is speculation that Weiner likes young girls, but that's str8-up bullshit from the mouth of the real-life Bart Simpson: Anthony BreitBART. F**k that overused, living and breathing condom. I can't stand people who get off on using deceit to destroy the lives of others. Effin' Dick Solomon wannabe.



Bottom line is that Breitbart is a dick. And I don't know about ya'll, but I'd much rather be a Weiner than a dick!

#4.

Word through the grapevine is that Texas Governor Rick Perry wants to become president. This is the same douche who suggested that Texas should succeed from the United States. So what's his presidential plan, aye? -- to succeed the United States from the United States? Good luck with that!

#5.

It's truly sad how much other republicans seemingly hate Romney. If 'Game Changer' is correct, McCain, Huckabee and even Giuliani all despise him. Huckabee even went so far as to say Romney has no soul. The irony is that among them, Romney is the sanest one! He's the only one I could actually imagine as president, not that I want him to beat Obama.

It's a sad world when "PLAIN" and "BORING" are viewed so badly. Isn't it supposed to be friggen better to work hard and live a simple but righteous life versus chasing after fame and fortune by acting a fool (I don't necessarily follow what I preach)? So shouldn't the same principle apply to politics? Why the hell do conservatives want these crazy bastards over an intelligent guy like Romney!?

That said, I'm hoping to do a satire next week that makes fun of the fact that republicans want a 'rock star' candidate instead of somebody with substance and value. Excuse me for being blunt, but do you see us liberal, pot-smoking and gang-banging democrats trying to elect a 'hip hop' star to the presidency? Hell to tha naw!

#6.


I don't suppose the folks at the Onion would consider setting up an advice line. Part of the reason I didn't write anything this week is because I've had doubts. I've felt like my ideas SUCK. I'd really love to be able to talk to someone now and again (15 mins TOPS per week) about my ideas. . . whether they're good, whether they could be better, etc.

I don't need a got-damn job. I work for a company that is publicly traded on the Stock Market for $14 a pop, sucka. Hell, b4 Panda hit, they were up to $25 a pop. By the way, Panda did nothing except destroy a bunch of websites, including my e-cigarette store. The Google search engine is still just as pathetic as it has always been. Unless you know how to conduct online research, you'd best hire somebody!

Anyway. I just need some direction--just a little guidance. And it'd be nice to get it from satire's Obi-Wan Kenobi. Unfortunately, Jon Stewart is way too f**king rich and successful to waste his time on a mere mortal like me. However, I'm willing to settle with 4th or 5th best. Yeah, I'm humble like that.

#7.

CNN should change its name to the ‘Weiner News Network’:



------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it. Enjoy yourselves!

PS #1. -- I'm looking for a cougar, not a Crougar, as in Freddy Crougar! LOL. J/K. I just got that from the Russ Parr show! Just a joke.

PS #2. -- Female Onion writers on their period shouldn't be allowed to submit a column until they've stopped ragging. I'm just saying . . .

PS #3. -- I am thinking of writing a satire that makes fun of the fact that K97.5 plays the same songs over and over again. All radio stations do this, but it'd be fun to poke fun at K97.5.

The truth is I actually get much more pleasure from teasing local folks than I do politicians or whatnot. When I make fun of Joe Biden, there's almost no pleasure from it (besides when I'm drunk) because I know Joe Biden will never f**king read it or give a shit about it. But when I write about local entities, there's a much higher chance they'll stumble on it and get a good laugh. And I love to make people laugh WITH me, yah know? I emphasized WITH cuz I'll str8-up molly whop a sucka who laugh AT me!

PS #4. -- Sorry to be so dickish tonight. I usually write the majority of my posts while sober, but today I didn't start writing til I popped open my first beer. Yeah. . . it's one of those days.

PS #5. -- Why the f**k did I use a #, a period (.) AND a dash!???

Night all.