WackyVille
This has been one wacky-ass week in the political hemisphere:
Rick Perry thinks he’s a prophet.Anthony Weiner’s career has officially come to an end.President Obama realized it’s hard to maintain a Puerto Rican accent.Rush Limbaugh totally dissed conservative women by saying they're "inclined to vote on superficial and emotional things first." (Daps @ Limbaugh, j/k)A Tampa-based Tea Party group (Tampa 912 Project) is holding a summer camp to educate children on the benefits of gold, teach them about the lack of freedom in Europe and, of course, show them how sharing is a form of Socialism.The GOP is trying to terminate programs that help low-income and middle class families, not to mention low-income senior citizens. Meanwhile, the Appropriations Committee is about to approve a $649 billion increase in defense spending.According to various studies—I am way too lazy to list out all my sources right now—corporate profits have been going up while workers' share of national income has been going down. In addition, corporate tax revenues represent only 1.3% of the GDP.On Thursday at the Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans, Newt Gingrich said that President Barack Obama is a “natural, secular European Socialist” who doesn’t believe in freedom—to which a deluded woman in the crowd replied, “YES!”Conservative SuperPAC Turn Right USA released an extremely racist and offensive political ad that suggests that LA Democratic congressional candidate Janice Hahn supports gangbanging merely because she supported a program that trains reformed gang members on how to prevent gang violence. The video also insulted all true hiphop fans by suggesting loud music, deep beats and booty-shaking hoes equate to ignorance and violence.My response to all this—and this was just a tiny, tiny list of all that’s occurring—is quite simple, really:
The King of Corny vs The King of Darkness
It has come to my attention this week that Mitt Romney is a corny dork. In fact, he may even be the King of Corny, though I’m willing to go head-to-head against him for that title. Regardless, here’s an example of what I mean:
Romney’s attempt at a joke—“I saw the young man over there with eggs Benedict, with hollandaise sauce,” he said. “And I was going to suggest to you that you serve your eggs with hollandaise sauce in hubcaps. Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.”
What in the bloody hell does that mean!? Was he meaning to make hollandaise sound like holidays!? I’m so friggen lost…
Anyway. Romney’s awkward demeanor is somewhat endearing to me, personally, because I too am a corny idiot. And the fact that he was able to get married and have kids as a corny dork provides me with a great deal of inspiration.
HOWEVER… there’s another side to Romney: DARTH Romney.
As the former CEO of Bain Capital, Romney profited as five of the companies under his firm’s control went bankrupt and fired thousands of workers.
This is how the New York Post characterized his actions:
“The former private equity firm chief's fortune—which has funded his political ambitions from the Massachusetts statehouse to his unsuccessful run for the White House in 2008—was made on the backs of companies that ultimately collapsed, putting thousands of ordinary Americans out on the street. That truth if it becomes widely known could become costly to Romney, who, while making the media rounds recently, told CNN's Piers Morgan that "People in America want to know who can get 15 million people back to work," implying he was that person.
Romney's private equity firm, Bain Capital, bought companies and often increased short-term earnings so those businesses could then borrow enormous amounts of money. That borrowed money was used to pay Bain dividends. Then those businesses needed to maintain that high level of earnings to pay their debts.”
And according to a 2007 article by the Los Angeles Times, “From 1984 until 1999, Romney led Bain Capital, a Boston-based private equity group that earned jaw-dropping profits through leveraged buyouts, debt hedge funds, offshore tax havens and other financial strategies. In some cases, Romney's team closed U.S. factories, causing hundreds of layoffs, or pocketed huge fees shortly before companies collapsed.”
My point is that Romney’s façade is starting to fade away, which is ironic since his appeal among republicans is gradually beginning to rise. It just goes to show how different liberals and conservatives are—as we liberals start to dislike someone, conservatives start to like the same person, and vice versa.
The Perpetual Noob (Dedicated To The Kids)
‘Noob’ is an online gaming term used to describe players who are new to a game. That they don’t know how to properly use all the available controls to devastate their opponents is abundantly clear to everyone else—ergo, they’re friggen noobs, and they get called out for it. It’s essentially a pejorative used to make fun of “losers” (I realize the irony here) whose first-person shooting skills suck.
What really sucks, however, is that I am the perpetual noob. Though I’ve been playing multiplayer video games since like forever—dude, I used to play Quake 1 deathmatches while listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers (“Give it away, give it away, give it away now!”)—I still suck at them because I’m a clumsy, mental reject. To this day, I still get owned on every damn multiplayer game I play, including Boxhead Bounty Hunter.
Yeah… it sucks ass constantly getting called a “noob” by diaper-wearing, mommy’s-boob-sucking 12-year-olds.
Just remember, you little bastards: I may be a noob, but at least I ain’t no friggen virgin, you no-pube-having punkasses!
Grow A Pair Or Get A Strap-On!
I really like the writing of Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz, two sarcastic broads who work for Stuff Hipsters Hate, Mashable.com, Psychology Today and sometimes even CNN.com. Their writing is intelligent and witty. More importantly, Brenna and Andrea both possess what I like to refer to as a nerdgina—which, by the way, is my favorite type of vagina, though the silicone lining on the lips does kind of freak me the f**k out.
Unfortunately, many CNN.com viewers are too stuck up their unkempt asses to appreciate such fine parody and satire. Just this past week the pair of psycho dames submitted a piece entitled, “Apps for Socially Awkward People.” The premise was to offer social freaks viable solutions while also making fun of them. I found it to be hilarious and even slightly useful. However, everybody else felt differently—especially a feller named Luke:
“This is not funny at all. Having social aversion is not fun in the slightest and making a mockery of it is disgusting. It is a burden that causes isolation and depression. As someone who finds social situations difficult, I can tell you that you are 100% wrong in what you think "social awkward" people are. We aren't badly dressed any more than others. We aren't incapable of scanning the room for people we know, in fact I think I have become really adept at that, because we normally fell more comfortable around people we know.
You two sick, immature, and juvenile. Grow up. You two are actually some of the problem, because people who make fun of people (bullying) causes people (especially children) to introvert and become troubled.”
That reply irritated me. I understand that the chap has emotional problems, but there’s a difference between acting like a jerk, which is what he was doing, and writing something we in the business like to call satire or parody.
Look, I’ve lived all my life with Asperger Syndrome, Social Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so I know what it feels like to be teased. However, as a grown-ass man with a brain, I’m capable of differentiating between purposefully painful insults and well-intentioned satire/parody. More importantly, I’m strong enough inside to deal with sometimes being offended without throwing a Soulja-Boy-like fit.
Every single week I’m offended or teased in some way, shape or form, but I deal with it and move on. Yeah, I get angry, but then I reflect and write about it in a way that expresses my emotions while also entertaining my audience. That’s how I cope. My question is—how do you cope, Luke?
Anyway. The bottom line is that I take satire extremely seriously—which is why I laugh so hard at it—so I get really annoyed when dorks like Luke Gaywalker throw a pity party every single friggen time Brenna Ehrlich (the cute one) and Andrea Bartz (the potential lesbian one; grow the hair out, girlfriend!) submit one of their brilliant pieces to CNN.com.
That said, I have a message to all the mental rejects out there incapable of appreciating quality satire: grow a pair! And if you can’t do that, then maybe you should consider buying some heartily sized strap-ons!
Move over purple-overall-teacher lady, cuz I think I’m getting a new crush! But this time I’m crushing on two women at once. This will be my first-ever threesome crush! Friggen awesome!
Too Food Cool For School
I’ve never been a food guy. Whereas true food aficionados watch Food TV, I prefer the drama of Chef Gordan Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen: “Learn to cook, you stupid, fat worthless bitch!” Lately, however, I’ve been starting to better appreciate the fine intricacies of cooking a meal, courtesy of my Mom.
I started baking drumsticks a few months ago, but I quickly grew bored of the taste, as well as all the work involved. Then, upon my parent’s recent visit, my Mom taught me how to cook chicken curry. It’s an über-healthy meal chockablock with protein but almost entirely void of fat. I eat it every single day, except on Friday and Saturday, of course.
The beauty is that there are so many ways to tweak the design of my meal. Sometimes I use onions; others times I use onion powder or minced onions. The alterations seem so minute, yet they completely change the way the curry tastes. And I’ve just begun exploring, in that I have yet to try different powders and spices. It’s really quite an amazing journey.
Since I’m a loudmouth braggart who loves to share his exploits, I’ve decided to let ya’ll in on this amazing recipe.
Cut approximately 2 pounds of lean chicken breast meat into tiny pieces.
Put 2 to 4 tbs. of oil in a pot and set the stove on medium height.
Chop an onion in half, grind it up (I prefer a blender) and then sauté it in the oil for approximately a minute.
Add 2 tbs. tomato paste.
Add 1 tbs. minced garlic.
Add 2 tbs. curry powder.
Add salt and pepper.
Mix for a minute.
Add the meat and then let it chill for 30 minutes, though occasionally stirring is helpful.
Add a bunch of chopped up parsley or cilantro and then let it chill for another 10 minutes.
[ You can use more onions if you want, but I think it's gross like that. I'm thinking about trying diced tomatoes to add that American style to it. You can also use chili powder, if you're so inclined (I sure as hell ain't). ]
Put that shit on some rice and then add some other components to the meal: salad with lightweight dressing, low-fat cottage cheese, a cup of orange juice, etc.
BOOM. You’z done, son! You got an über-healthy meal that has barely any fat, yet is full of protein, nutrients, minerals and vitamins.
Best of all, it tastes terrific!
Farewell Tribute To Weiner
I’ll miss you, Weiner. And to express the feelings I have inside of me right now (wipes a tear from eyes), I wrote a song just for you. I’d like to sing it to you right now…
Lalalalalala (testing voice)
Here we go…
I wish I had Anthony Weiner’s weiner
That is what I truly wish
Cause if I had Anthony Weiner’s weiner
All the girls would be in love
Oh all the girls would be in love
Every girl would be in love with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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Thanks for reading. pEaCe.
PS #1. Twitter is becoming exceedingly popular! Unfortunately, I’m just not able to get into it. I completely respect it as a medium, but as a writer, I cannot limit myself to 140 char—even with acronyms, abbreviations and initialisms! It’s too bad, because I’m missing out. It’s blowing up like a balloon!
PS #2. I see some very beautiful MILFs while jogging. Many of them are a bit chubby and wrinkled like a raisin, but that’s normal for their age. It’s not normal for women my age, however, which is why I’m so picky when it comes to love. Those who are already overweight in theirs 20s and 30s are likely to one day turn into giganotosaurus women—and that’s just not acceptable.
Of course, since I’m a shy and goofy pseudo-intellectual, I’m only able to attract women with extremely low standards (gotta love the irony). It doesn’t matter, though, because this cat ain’t settling. I’d rather die alone than ever do that. Hell, I’ve been alone for the majority of my life, so this shit ain’t nothing but a G thang to me. Some of you people who bounce from relationship to relationship might want to give it a try. It’ll do your mind good!
PS #3. This one extremely cute MILF smiled at me. What’s interesting is that she was with a guy who kind of resembled me. He was shorter, but he looked Indian. And he had glasses. And he was butt ugly (he’s like my real father or something). It really warms my heart to know that he and her might be an item. I just hope to God I don’t have to wait as long as he did!!!
PS #4. Check out this story about China:
"The unrest seems to belie the image of China as a bustling economy going from strength to strength, enriching the lives of millions across the country, especially in the industrial south. But the problem is many people feel they are not getting their fair share of the rapid growth."
China is killing us on education and infrastructure, both of which are incredibly important, but we’re still number one because we’re free. We’re one of those rare nations where you really can be whatever the f**k you want to be, whether others like it or not. Unfortunately, the ultra-right and ultra-religious movement wants to curb that. Geez… I’m really starting to sound like a liberal fanatic, LOL. (Hey Onion-->Make fun of me for that: liberal who hates fanatics is now a fanatic)
PS #5. I’m out of ideas and thoughts… Good night!
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