Several radio personalities have referred to this Friday as Jerk Friday. Are they trying to surreptitiously call me a jerk? I’m going to assume not since the world doesn’t revolve around me (surprisingly enough!). Plus I don’t want to make the same mistake twice. Once while speaking to a lady at McDonalds about chicken, she asked, “Are you cooking jerk chicken tonight?” I paused for a second and thought to myself, “Did this heffer just indirectly call me a jerk?” Never before had I heard of jerk chicken. Suffice it to say, I don’t feel like getting busted upside the head with a purse again!
Since we’re already discussing radio, I’d also like to mention a song by Young Money in which he says, “Flow tighter than a d*ck in the butt.” Three questions come to mind:
#1. Why does Young Money sound like Lil Mama?
#2. Why is Young Money talking about a wee-wee in a booty hole!?
#3. Why is his song getting so many dayum play requests from the ladies!??
This is a mystery wrapped in a riddle lying in a dingy closet next to the old, perverted guy from Family Guy…. 4 real though!
Anyway.
Thank you for finally arriving, Feel Good & WONDERFUL Friday! No more waking up throughout the morning to chain smoke and read the financial news, not to mention lifting weights, jogging, preparing reports, writing articles, eating healthy, and masturbating (my weekend allotment of greasy food and alcohol gives me limp dick).
Good News; Bad News
I got some good news and I got some bad news.
The good news is that the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
The bad news is that if you’re white, then this is just not your night!
Yep… it’s YOUR TURN, whitie!!
Why did the white man cross the road?
So he could interrupt traffic and slow down the black mayne!
What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour. (TIGER!)
OKAY OKAY… I will stop before I get flagged! I promise that from now on, I’ll behave. But I do have just ONE more question.
Why does the white man like mayonnaise so much?
Because it reminds him of black semen! (BADA BOOM!)
I merely jest, of course!
Arizona Immigration Laws
I’m turning more and more against the Arizona anti-immigration movement each and every day. It’s gradually transforming from a ruling merely designed to curb illegal immigration into a fascist and dogmatic endeavor to stamp out ethnic people’s right to study and promote their own culture. And I also don’t approve of all the foulmouthed anti-immigration rhetoric littering the net. However, since so many people apparently support the initiative, this portion of my blog will be written with a comedic twist so as to avoid offending anyone.
According to Time, the new immigration mandate issued this week “carries provisions that prohibit classes that promote the overthrow of the United States government; promote resentment toward a race or class of people; are designed primarily for a particular ethnic group; or advocate ethnic solidarity as opposed to individualism.”
First, how do we define the promotion of resentment? Doesn’t every ethnic studies class inherently promote resentment to some degree? For instance, learning black history entails watching the classic film ‘Roots.’ Yet every time I watch ‘Roots,’ I get a sudden urge to invade a nursing home and beat up some old white people (mainly because I’m too weak to beat up some young white people). In fact, watching ‘Roots’ once inspired me to spit in a white Lady’s soda—kind of like when Kizzy spit in Missy Anne’s cup. I realize what I did was wrong, by the way, but it’s between Black Jesus and me now!
Second, when we say we’re going to prohibit classes “designed primarily for a particular ethnic group,” it sounds like we’re saying there cannot be Black Studies, Hispanic Studies, Asian Studies, White Studies, etc. anymore. We should all just accept our status as an American and pretend as if the color of our skin and background of our ancestors is wholly irrelevant. As much as I personally could careless about heritage—other than the fact that I’m ethnically related to Gandhi, which is too cool to ignore—I find it wrong and disturbing that we have become so obsessed with patriotism and sovereignty that we now feel the right to deny people the right to define themselves as they see fit. Isn’t our right to choose our own destiny and beliefs the very basis of what this country is all about?
Third, what is wrong with ethnic solidarity? If crazy white people in white gowns can band together and march all across the United States taunting blacks and demanding the abolition of civil rights, then why can’t Latinos and others congregate to calmly discuss issues relevant to their ethnicity? We have female-only / male-only clubs (Boy Scouts), old-people-only clubs (Country Clubs), fat-people-only clubs (Jenny Craig), couples-only clubs (I resent that I, as a single man, cannot participate in a swinger’s party!), and even a club for heartless women (Heartless Bitches International; look it up!) So why can’t people of a certain ethnicity gather together to promote themselves? Better yet, why is the issue of ethnicity so taboo?
Look, my point is that it seems as if the anti-immigration effort in Arizona is becoming a Big Brother scheme to control people’s right to gather together and share information. And quite frankly, that scares the bloody hell out of me!
Anyway. I apologize to my white brethren—you and I both know that it’s mainly ya’ll who support this (I’m just kidding! I warned ya’ll it’s your turn! :-D)—but this is how I currently feel about the issue.
Doggy Daycare
I want to apologize to all my neighbors on behalf of the dog. First of all, if you have a garden, have no worries because she will not mess with it. My Mom plants a humongous garden full of cucumbers, zucchini, tomatoes, and other vegetables every summer, so I’m very protective of gardens.
Second, I’m very sorry about her pooping all over the place. I wish she’d just poop in one place, but she likes to poop everywhere: by this bush, behind that house, on the Eiffel tower, etc. Picking up her poop requires going on a dayum scavenger hunt. You’re probably wondering, “Why don’t you just sniff for it, dummy?” Well, my nose is perpetually clogged, which is why:
PRO: Cocaine has never been my drug of choice.
And
CON: You have to tell me that I stink before I’ll realize that I stink.
Regardless, she’ll be leaving soon. You can bet Roland Martin’s ascot on that!
Elitism Rant
I understand that watching television and playing computer games isn’t all that productive, but I hate it when people who read a lot or spend all day outdoors act as if they’re superior to me. Yes, I love reality television, I enjoy playing Pot Farm (screw Farm Frenzy!), and I’m a Facebook whore, but I’m also educated, I pay attention to important news events, and I’m interested in the betterment of myself and society. Just because I enjoy certain things that you deem are leading to the world’s destruction doesn’t mean that I’m just some foolhardy dimwit suffering from ‘idiocracy.’
Forex Trading
Talk about a sleepless week! I started with $23.00, added $7.00 on Saturday, made $10 on Sunday, and had a net total of $40.00 by Monday. Then I fudged up and dropped to a measly $18.00. After reading the news and watching the charts all week, I’m back up to $41.00. I’m disappointed because I honestly wanted to end the week at $60 to $70, but at least I ended up profitable. I obviously have a LOT MORE TO LEARN. Right now I rely on the analysts to break down the financial news for me. I need to learn to decipher and understand the news on my own!
Anyway. One goal of mine is to eventually become good enough and earn enough equity so that I can quit my job! This will only be possible once I can guarantee a profit of at least $50 to $100 PER DAY! Keep in mind that although I’d love to trade full-time, I’ll never give up writing!
However, what I love about trading is that it’s directly tied to my money. When I write an article, the goal is to entertain and inform the audience. When I trade, however, the only goal is to earn money. And damnit, I LOVE MONEY! If someone ever invents a blowup doll made out of money, I will have a wife! (that’s a joke, by the way) And do you know what I love even more than money? MAKING MONEY!
I know loving money is wrong, but it just feels so right ;-).
By the way, I know this sounds stupid, but if I ever do become rich from Forex trading, I hope to empower the poor by teaching them how to turn $10 into a million dollars by trading the Forex market. It’s a dream of mine. Although very self-centered, a part of me really wants to change the world. With my luck, however, the day after I finally become a millionaire, Jesus will return and abolish all currency. He just better make sure he has his papers in order; else he might get deported!
Persnickety Squared
A facebook friend asked me whether I’d prefer Sharona or Natalie (Monk). That’s a tough question to answer. Sharona is petite, has thick thighs, sports a sexy New Jersey accent, and always wears feminine clothes with feminine colors. Natalie, on the other hand, is tall (but not too tall), wears fun colors like blue, is extremely down to Earth, has luscious blonde hair, and has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. Phew… I just don’t know, man! Can a brotha have both? (BADA BOOM!)
Roseanne & Larry the Cable Guy vs the Amazon Woman & Bozo the Clown
I hate talking about Wife Swap because it makes me sound gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but tonight’s episode had me wondering where they find these families. They’re always such opposites.
You know, I like to consider myself a middle-of-the-ground individual. I enjoy being outside, working out, working hard, chugging beer, scratching my nuts in public, and degrading dumb women (that’s a JOKE); but I also love studying other cultures, working from home, keeping a home tidy, dancing like a woman when nobody is around, and being consoled when I suffer from my monthly ‘feminine’ man-period…whoops, I just pooted! (that’s a JOKE)
Seriously, I just don’t understand how these families become so extreme that they’re incapable of seeing the other side of the equation. By the same token, I’m a loner who spends 95% of his time alone, so I’m pretty extreme myself!
By the way, next week’s episode of Wife Swap will pit a low-rider Hispanic family against a crazy-ass White family. That shit is gon’ be str8-up hot, son!
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Anyway. That’s it for tonight. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful weekend! Put aside all the petty beefs and squabbles and just enjoy life! Nobody’s hateration is going to stop my fun this weekend, and I hope it doesn’t stop yours, either!
PS – Tonight’s episode of Kitchen Nightmares was heart wrenching. Chef Ramsay doesn’t just fix restaurants; he fixes families!
PS #2 – Upcoming WAN articles: India needs executioners (Saturday), guy who eats lightbulbs (Mon), Japs and 3D (TBD), Gropers (TBD), Sustainability and Bras (TBD).
PS #3 – I think this lady indirectly called me smart this week. Thanks! I’m sorry for being so shy and awkward… I wish you could see the real me. When I’m alone with my dog, I’m as normal as day and night! Unfortunately, my anxieties overwhelm me so much that I can't help acting the way I do around others…. but at least I have the power to express myself through writing. Before I leave, here’s a brilliant quote from the one and only, 2Pac Shakur:
“With all this extra stressin
The question I wonder is after death, after my last breath
When will I finaly get to rest? Through this supression
they punish the people that's askin questions
And those that possess, steal from the ones without possesions
The message I stress: to make it stop study your lessons
Don't settle for less - even the genius asks-es questions
Be grateful for blessings
Don't ever change, keep your essence
The power is in the people and politics we address
Always do your best, don't let the pressure make you panic
And when you get stranded
And things don't go the way you planned it
Dreamin of riches, in a position of makin a difference
Politicians and hypocrites, they don't wanna listen
If I'm insane, it's the fame made a brother change
It wasn't nuttin like the game
It's just me against the world”
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