Friday, August 27th | I Have a Dream (Common)

Good Day! This has been a stressful week. I was almost certain I wouldn’t be able to piece together a blog, but it slowly started coming together by Wednesday. Unfortunately, this will be ultra-short and all over the place. Plus there’s a HIGH CHANCE I’ll be taking the next week or two off to relax.

Anyway. I’m very glad that the Daily Show and the Colbert Report will be on vacation for the next two weeks. Though I love both shows, they tend to leave me irritated at uh… people with whom I disagree. Suffice it to say, reading the news and watching satirical news has left me mentally fatigued. I don’t know how much more ignorance I can handle.

Insane to the Membrane

After a young white woman recently decided to convert to Islam, CNN picked up the story and submitted it to their website. Both atheists and Christians immediately blew up the associated iReport with hateful and demeaning comments.

The atheists blasted her decision to worship a “fictional God,” while Christians blasted her decision to worship a “false God.” Quite frankly, I’m disgusted at both of them. That they are so full of intolerance and hatred that they cannot simply accept this woman’s decision—one which nobody else has any control over—is outright despicable, though it is a picture perfect portrayal of everything that’s wrong with this country.

I don’t mind them expressing their opinion, as that falls under the first amendment. What bothers me is their opinion itself, as their thoughts are about as wicked as Glen Beck’s attempt to proclaim himself the reincarnation of Martin Luther King, Jr. Excuse me for asking this, but have people lost their dayum minds?

A young man named Ashra put it all into perfect perspective this week on the Daily Show’s facebook page:

"Its sad that we as Americans keep going through phases of hate. One decade it’s Hispanics, then Muslims, then gays, and so on. The cycle goes on—those in power find the group that’s most vulnerable and exploits the fear in those who are ignorant.”

He’s exactly right. It’s like we as a nation are unable to function without hatred in our hearts and insanity clouding our judgment.

The irony is that though the Christian bigots demand that Islam be eradicated from the United States, they at the same time expect me to accept the exceedingly annoying missionaries who continually harass me—sometimes at home, sometimes in the middle of the street.

And as for the atheists, I wish they’d get off their high horse and back off religion. I’m an agnostic, which means I’m a merely a step away from being atheist, but I still respect religion. All religions are full of (excuse the language) fucked up shit like human sacrifice, cruel Gods, and in the case of scientology, the notorious Scientology E-Meter! Regardless, I sincerely believe that every single religion also has something positive to offer. It’s all about how you interpret the words.

Anyway. Part of the problem is that people are jumping to conclusions. A blind man was kicked off a bus because the Muslim onboard didn’t appreciate his nappy dog. 1000+ commenters suddenly started claiming that Muslims are taking over the world. And then just this week there was a CNN Eatocracy blog about Ramadan food. Once again a few oddballs came forward, saying, “It’s funny how we keep catering to these people.”

Now let me take a break to give you an example of how “these people” must feel. Back in 2000 I did a one-month stint in rehab. I was the lone ‘colored’ boy among a group of white flunkies (no offense). I quite enjoyed everyone there, except during television time. Once, we were sitting in the lobby chatting in front of a turned-off television, when I decided to turn it on and flip to BET to check out the new hiphop videos. Immediately everyone around me started shaking their heads, and within 2 minutes a Lady pulled the remote from and switched the channel.

Later that night, I was alone in the lobby with the lobby manager, who was over at his desk working. I picked up the remote and once again switched it to BET. He immediately got up, came over, took the remote, changed it to the Simpsons and preached, “It’s okay to watch BET, but not all the time.” Not all the time? I just wanted to watch it in peace for 15 minutes. The most they allowed is 2 minutes. It was a pure example of racism in action that still haunts me to this day. I just hope that the last 10 years of progress has changed Middle America’s perception of hiphop.

The point is that allowing me to watch my program in peace would obviously have meant catering to a culture that they apparently found offensive. However, a truly free nation allows everybody’s story to be told—regardless of the audience’s feelings on the matter. Unfortunately we as a nation are getting to the point where we’re so engulfed with anger that we want to shut everybody down.

“Shut down the Christians!” yells the atheist.
“Shut down the Muslims,” yells the Christian.
“Shut down the fa*s!” yells the homophobe.
“Shut down the n*gg**s!” yells the bigot.
“Shut down the shut-downers!” yells I.

Sighs.

It’s like being free is slowly becoming ‘illegal’ in the minds of many Americans. According to them, the rich don’t deserve to spend their money as they wish (FYI – I’m not discussing taxes). According to them, only certain people can marry. According to them, only certain cultures can be presented through the mainstream media. According to them, everything they disagree with should be banned, censored or just entirely eliminated from America.

The tragedy of it all is that I’m slowing becoming the same way, in that I’ve become so overcome with fear and disgust that I want nothing more than to see the voice of my ‘enemies’ silenced. I suppose that I too am going insane. Personally, however, I blame the media ;-)!

I'm Concerned About My Dog's Growing Muslim Tendencies

All this week my dog hasn’t been eating her lunch. Instead she’s been waiting for a huge dinner. And then this Wednesday, I woke up to discover her using my computer. She immediately shut down all the programs and rushed underneath the bed. After browsing the cache, I discovered that she had been reading Aljazeera.

My suspicions were finally confirmed this afternoon when I discovered her in the family room preaching the teachings of Allah to our resident rat and mouse community.

*wipes a tear from eyes*

It breaks my heart to admit this, but I think my dog is a Muslim!



Awwwwwwwwwww Lawd…. if she don’t take off that hijab and repent for her evil ways, I fear umma hafta do her in like Travis did Ol’ Yeller!

I Quit, Bitch!

Have you ever quit a job? After the sensation of exhilaration passed, I imagine that you felt rather anxious and uncertain about your future. Suppose though you were able to quit your job because you had acquired another means of income that equaled or surpassed your meager 9-to-5 wage. I bet that the sensation of quitting under such pretenses would be akin to having the best orgasm of your life. I’m talking about a nut so deep you see Mohammed! And yes, I said Mohammad. I am not Muslim, but I felt it would be nice to pick on someone else other than Jesus for a change.

Though it may seem hard to believe, such a future is indeed possible! All you need is residual income—or money that makes itself. How would you like to make money as you sleep, as you bathe, and even as you make sweet monkey love to a flight attendant in a lavatory (for the fellas), or to a construction worker in a porta potty (for the ladies).

Well, I’m not here to discuss the 1000+ different ways you can earn residual or passive income. I’m merely here to encourage you to research it for yourself. I myself am pursuing residual income by studying copywriting, affiliate marketing, and website traffic generation. I’ve already spent $50 on books, and I plan to spend another $200 before the year is out. Knowledge is power, Ladies and Gentlemen!

As Mr. Michael Baisden always says, take the time now—while you have a job and things are ‘easy’—to plan for your future. It’s better that you work hard now like the ant, instead of ending up in the cold later on like the grasshopper.

Willy’s Wonka and the Whore Factory

Sex trafficking is a vicious crime for which there is no repentance. When a human maliciously forces anyone or anything—whether a man, a woman, a boy, a girl, or even a poor animal—to do something sexual, it’s just plain wrong. However, there is a tremendous difference between sex trafficking and prostitution. Though prostitution is immoral, it is in essence a consensual act wherein neither party is forced to do anything they don’t want to do.

Unfortunately, the lines between sex trafficking and prostitution have become exceedingly blurred. How is one to know whether the individual on the other side of the network (phone, email, skype) is a victim or just a hoe. That, dear Watson, is the question.

I propose that we legalize prostitution to alleviate this situation. If we legalize prostitution and then make it mandatory for all hookers to register—a process that entails chronicling the individual’s age and background—we could potentially help curb sex trafficking. Let me explain.

Right now the police target all prostitutes just as they do all drug users. Everyday grown-ass women who voluntarily choose to sell their bodies are thrown into jail and prison, as are young sexy Asian men who just want to smoke their Uncle Prasadhan’s holy herbal Hindu leaves in peace.

But if the police were able to quickly identify whether a prostitute is a victim or a hoe, they would therefore have more time to spend going after the real enemy: sex traffickers. Instead of targeting legal whorehouses that have filed their paperwork and proven the identities of their hookers, the police could search out those dens of inequity hidden deep within the depths of the gloomy underworld.

This will unfortunately never happen because prostitution is associated with an extremely negative connotation—as are those pay for the services of a prostitute. It’s sad and unfair, in my opinion. We are all born with biological needs, including the need for food, the need for drink, and the need for sex. Unfortunately, acquiring these needs isn’t necessarily an easy task for men.

And believe it or not, Ladies and Gentlemen, but I too am a man. In particular, I am man who needs food, water, cigarettes, AND sex—despite what others may think.

During 5th grade co-ed sex education, for instance, the teacher suddenly remarked, “Every girl in here has a vagina. And every boy has a penis.” Suddenly the vixen sitting behind me turned her head toward me and raised her eyes as if to question my masculinity. FYI to the googly-moogly-she-so-ugly-she-oogly girl from 5th grade… I have a large penis and even larger balls. “And oh, by the way—they’re real, and they’re spectacular!”

Anyway. I myself haven’t had sex with a woman in over three years. But if I could afford it, I would gladly sign up for a once-a-month bootycall from a reputable whorehouse. Most of you Ladies are probably shaking your head and muttering, “What a creep!” Sorry if I sound rude, but excuse me for just trying to get my biological needs met. Just because I’m a socially inept and ‘lame’ dork doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to have my most basic human needs met.

The irony is that, according to the Kinsey Institute, the average woman in my age-range (18-29) has sex an average of 112 per year. Yet I would be demonized if I were to pursue a once-a-month bootycall based strictly on money—versus social aptitude & class, physical appearance, and money (ironically enough).

It’s quite a double standard, in my opinion. You know, I really don’t care whether prostitution is ever legalized or not. I’m more concerned with the stigma associated with those men who associate with prostitutes. Granted, there are some sick freaks out there in search of disgusting things—such as sex with a child or perhaps even a goat. However, most men who visit whorehouses are merely loners who need to bust a nut.

Yes, masturbation is a beautiful thing—but Willy can only wank his Wonka a certain number of times before it becomes boring. It’s then that Willy’s big Wonka could seriously use a whore factory. Because just as a squirrel needs his nut, so do us men need to bust a nut!



Wow... talk about doing it like they do it on the Discovery Channel!

My Dog's Thoughts on Global Warming

My husky says, "Damn it's getting hot in here!"

But seriously, I don’t know whether global warming really is occurring or not, but I am certain that we as humans are negatively affecting the Earth’s climate. If you’re so naïve as to believe that pollution and deforestation are entirely harmless, then remind me to blow a whiff of smoke in your face the next time we meet. “Don’t worry. Second-hand smoke can’t hurt you buddy!” Just because what you don’t know can’t hurt you doesn’t mean it can’t hurt others (including other things) around you.

Texting for Crack

There was a CNN piece this week about teenagers using text-messaging codes to talk about drugs and sex with their peers—without their parents knowing. What pissed me off was the ridiculous response. 1000+ know-it-alls came out of the woodwork to complain that the article was full of shit.

And then suddenly a 15-year-old child with the writing ability of a college graduate pops up out of nowhere and notes how he or she has never seen anyone text like that. Not to chastise an intelligent youth, but if you’re smart enough to speak so eloquently at such a young age, then I doubt you’re the type of kid out there engaging in elicit activities.

As a former bonehead who did this, that, and a third, I tried everything possible to hide my illegal activities from my parents. Thankfully they had great investigative skills—and they still do to this day, which is why I’ve given up on even trying to lie to them, lol. My point is that you shouldn’t discount a story merely because it doesn’t apply to you!

Just Say No to the N Word

I’ve completely stopped using the n word. Once in awhile, I catch myself using it on Tosh.O’s facebook blog, but I am nonetheless maintaining a concerted effort to eliminate it entirely from my vocabulary. Not a single one of us—black, white, Asian, etc—need to be using such a foul word. I used to defend usage of the n-gga version of the word, but as I’m getting older, I’m beginning to see the error of my ways.

Check out this video for more information.

Regarding Blenn Geck (Cousin of the Geico Gecko)

I sincerely don’t mind Glenn Beck as an entertainer, in that it would be hella fun to watch his show while tripping on LSD pills and sitting in a room with disco lights blazing. I can picture myself perched at my seat, with my eyes glued onto Beck, and my lips chanting, “Grant me wisdom, holy one!” However, upon waking up, I would laugh away all the stupidity and return to reality.

What’s so disturbing though is how many people in America actually take him seriously. Either they’re perpetually high, or they’re just stupid.

Regardless, I completely disagree with Beck’s upcoming rally in Washington, DC, but I do support his right to congregate wherever he pleases. I personally will be rooting for the Rev’s rally instead, though. I just hope no violence breaks out. If both sides are truly congregating for peace, then let there be… PEACE!

My Butt is Still Tight, and You Know That’s Right

I strongly believe that intelligent life exists in the universe. However, I give no credence to the paranoid theories regarding UFOs and alien abductions. I spent my entire childhood tucking myself deep into my blankets before 1am because I heard that’s when abductions occur. Since I’m still here and my anus is ultra-ultra-tight, I’ve lost any belief whatsoever in alien visitations. As for UFOs, I sincerely believe they’re just secret military aircraft being driven by bored soldiers who’ve been drinking too much coffee.

Regardless, if I did ever meet an alien, I wouldn’t be afraid. Instead I’d light up a cigarette and then offer them one. The only thing to fear is fear itself—and not a little midget-ass green man in need of a pair of draws to hide his ridiculous tiny wee-wee.

CNN Moderation Out of Control!

Did you know that you cannot use the word ‘sex’ in a CNN comment? Excuse me, but who the hell is CNN catering to… middle school students!? That I have to replace sex with ‘the wild thing’ or ‘Mr. Nasty Time’ is quite disturbing, not to mention annoying. I constantly have to rewrite my CNN comments so that they’ll pass through their rigid moderation system. It’s just plain asinine!

Who the heck do I look like… Ralphie!?



Pornography versus Hiphopography

I don’t understand how people can lament over the misogynic images portrayed in hiphop videos, and then turn around to watch a BangBros film featuring a barely-legal woman bent over while a guy stuffs her crotch. It’s such outright hypocrisy. At least the women pictured in music videos aren’t butt naked or, God Forbid, tied up in an awkward position.

Hiphop seeks to celebrate everything about life, including sexuality, whereas pornography is just downright dirty and nasty—though I love it nonetheless. My point is that if you hate the misogyny in hiphop, but you watch pornographic films, then you, Sir or Madam, are full of shit!

North America is not the Middle East

After expressing my dismay on facebook over people’s ignorant attitudes toward the white woman who became a Muslim, my very good albeit annoying Republican friend brought up a fascinating question.

He said, “I don't know man, do you know what happens to people who convert from Islam to Christianity? While that is certainly wrong to demean anybody, it is far far worse treatment. :-O”

Granted, if someone in the Middle East switched up their religion, they would likely be tortured to death. However, the United States is NOT Iraq, is NOT Afghanistan, and is NOT Iran. We are a free nation based on liberty and spiritual freedom for all.

And though I don’t know how an American Muslim would react, I strongly believe that most moderate Muslims in our country would accept a friend’s decision to become a Christian—though they may not necessarily support it.

It doesn’t matter anyways because two rights never make a wrong. You cannot YOU CANNOT YOU CANNOT defend a wrong by citing another wrong. That’s preposterous!

Speaking of which….

Here's Another Oldie, but a Goodie

Does my intolerance for others’ intolerance make me a hypocrite?



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That’s all I got this week. I’m tired. Each week my dog is getting in better and better shape from jogging, while my body stays the same due to smoking. She’s got me running so hard that I feel exhausted all the time!

PS #1 – This wasn’t a very good post. It was a struggle to even put it together. I could have just taken a week off, but I decided to take a gamble instead. If you end up not liking it, I completely understand—because I personally don’t like it that much either. To me it lacks substance and, more importantly, COMEDY! My jokes this week suck, lol. Oh well!

PS #2 – Here’s a SIMPLE guide to getting the most out of life.



Remember, keep it simple!

PS #3 – My hiphop song of the week is ‘Lotta Money’ by former Crime-Mob member Diamond. I despise the lyrics because I’m a broke-down bum with no monetary substance to offer. However, the beat is absolutely amazing! It takes me back to the ‘Knuck if You Buck’ days… sighs… how the times have changed!

PS #4 – R.I.P. to Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr.

Friday, August 20th | Make It Last Forever (Keith Sweat)

Good Evening. I wasn’t too inspired by the Daily Show this week, so my blog will be all over the place. What I definitely won’t be covering is immigration, religion, or politics, though race may pop up. Anyway. I have a very exciting and fun evening planned, so let’s get through with this.

By the way, this will be pretty boring. I’m just throwing shit together to keep myself busy. Not too many jokes. Not much relevant talk. A lot of it is basically me trying to give advice as if I’m formally trained to do as such.

Romantical Love | Precursor

CNN did a piece this week in which it claimed that 43% of all Americans over the age of 18 are single. That’s a staggering number of lonely sods hurdling through life without a ‘romantical backbone’ to give them support. I don’t know why so many people are single, or why so many marriages end in divorce, but I have some theories and suggestions. So for one day, and one day only, I’m going to pretend I’m a therapist! Before I begin, I just want to state for the record that unlike Dr. Laura, I love black people! Speaking of which, “Gucci bandanna!”

Romantical Love | Commitment

Early in June I visited the animal shelter and laid eyes upon a beautiful dog whom I then adopted. Since then it’s been a roller coaster like no other.

My dog and I are quite different. I’m an anti-social introvert who prefers the company of me, myself, and me nuts. She on the other hand is a social whore who loves to meet new people and dogs. Added to that, she’s really hairy and sheds all the time. This is a problem because she loves to cuddle. But whenever we cuddle, I end up covered from pant to shirt in hairs galore.

The funny thing is that it really isn’t cuddling, as she expects me to pet her. If I stop petting her, she’ll keep licking and biting my hand. If I don’t respond, she’ll eventually lay her head on my stomach, stare up at me, and let out a pleading sigh for love and attention. “Love me, Daddy,” she says with her dour eyes. I stare back and wonder why she can’t just be content with lying next to me.

It’d be so much easier for me if I just gave her away, and then waited patiently to find a dog that better fits my personality. But I choose not to because I love her—and believe me when I say I absolutely abhor using the pesky L word. Regardless, I have chosen to make a commitment, and I wholeheartedly intend to honor it until the day either she or I pass. She’s an annoying little bitch, but that’s my hoe rite thar! Speaking of which, “Get back to work and make me some money, biatch!”



The point of my story is that love requires commitment. And when I say commitment, I don’t mean sticking it out until things get too hard to handle. I mean a lifetime pledge whereby two people agree to love and care for one another until death do or does them part.

Part of the problem today is that too many people are rushing into marriage without first really thinking about their decision. They’re being led entirely by lust and passion (see the Love and Passion section) instead of real love. It’s unfortunate because many of these relationships will falter within the first two years, leading to a bitter divorce and a lifetime of hostility. If people spent more time together prior to marriage—perhaps two or more years?—I imagine the divorce rate might go down a tad, though I could be wrong.

Another problem is an unwillingness to persevere through difficult times. A guy loses his job, the woman grows frustrated, and then she leaves. A woman gets depressed, the guy gets bored with sex, and then he cheats. Like I said earlier, it’s a lot easier to give up and look elsewhere. But it takes a whole lot more strength to endure and work hard to maintain one’s relationship. This may entail seeking counseling, taking time apart, or just rekindling the romance. Either way, most people don’t seem up to the challenge.

You know, the same day I got my dog, I put up an ad on craigslist in an attempt to pawn her off to somebody else. A young lady replied (rather harshly too, I might add) and convinced me to give my dog a shot. I’m so glad that she intervened, because now I can’t imagine my life without my little baby poo-poo butt!

Anyway. I understand when a couple that’s been together 20 years decides to break apart. They’ve at least given it a running chance. But what irritates me is all these young-bucks who get married, get divorced 2 years later, get married again, get divorced 1 year later, get married AGAIN, and then get divorced 6 months later. I mean… COME ON NOW!

By the way, I used my dog merely as an example. Don’t you for one single minute start to think there’s any freaky business going on over here!

“I’m a Big Weenie!” Said the Sentimental Penis

I really like ‘Masterchef’ and ‘Breakthrough with Tony Robbins.’ In my opinion, both shows provide a great way to get in touch with the human spirit. However, this isn’t a shared feeling.

For one, many people have complained that Masterchef is too full of sob stories. And as for Tony Robbins, his show performed so badly in regard to ratings that it was cancelled after only two episodes. Thankfully the remaining clips can be watched on Hulu, but still.

It’s sad to me that America lacks an appreciation for sentimentality. Nowadays it’s considered ‘gay’ to be a big old sentimental ‘weenie’ who appreciates a tear-inspiring story. I don’t watch Masterchef because I love food. I eat microwave food all week long, for goodness gracious. I watch it because I like seeing people reach for their dreams. When they fail, it’s heart wrenching. But when they succeed making it to the next round, it’s inspirational!

Just Say No to Cyber Love!

I refrain from looking for love online because I’ve had some bad experiences with it in the past. In early 2005 my life was a mess, so I wrote a letter to 'God' pleading for him to bring a woman into my life that would change it for the best. Well, it kind of happened.

Soon after I met a young online chick and we became close friends. Within six months we were arguing like a married couple and had made a commitment to one another, though we had never met, let alone spoken on the phone. She made constant excuses as to why it wasn’t possible—I’m scared; I’m not ready; etc. etc.

Since I was in search of a better life, I decided to move out to Raleigh in the hope of finally meeting her. But even after being here for 3 months, we still had not met. I finally grew sick of the excuses and moved on. To this day I still wonder whether she was who she claimed to be, or if she instead was a 40-year-old fat man with a penchant for sexy young Asian men who talk like they’re white, dress like they’re black, and make cyber-love like they’re a really hyper rabbit with carpal tunnel syndrome.

I banghi you

I bangsding you

I bgdsnanging you more

Ohhhhhh.. I’m done

Sadly, I didn’t learn my lesson the first time around. A few years later I encountered a ‘woman’ online and we traded pictures and spoke on the phone. Our relationship lasted approximately 3 months. During that time, I noticed a few odd discrepancies. For one, she had a very Tomboyish nature, and I found that rather unattractive. Plus her voice was awfully scratchy and there was something rather peculiar about her picture.

One day she finally revealed that she was in fact a young man in the process of getting a sex-change operation. I immediately banged my head on the wall 20 times. Then I puked, my penis puked (it’s kind of complicated and hard to explain, but yes, a penis can puke), and then I farted—a loud, belligerent, and disgruntled fart like a straight man’s fart should be.

Nowadays I completely avoid online love because I don’t trust it one single bit. It’s quite unfortunate because I’m awfully shy in public. So much so that I still pray to ‘God’—I’m not religious, but for love I sure will be—in the hope that he, she, or it will bring the right woman into my life one day.

The one good thing about my online-love fiascos is that they brought me to Raleigh. For that, I’ll forever be thankful. The bad thing is that my penis still hurts from all that puking!



He Left Home with a Protractor, and Returned Home with a Blunt

This week Michael Baisden hosted a discussion regarding whether parents should send their children to a predominately white university or an HBCU. He favored the latter, as he felt that it’s important young black men and women are given a chance to embrace their heritage. However, I disagree. I feel that once a child is old enough to attend college, he has already developed most of his personality. Suffice it to say, an 18-year-old black boy who listens to Garth Brooks isn’t likely to suddenly start listening to Talib Kweli merely because his environment has changed.

I also believe that the decision should be based more on the child’s educational needs. I’d rather she attend a school equipped to provide her with the skills and knowledge required to excel at her choice of career, versus a school that just caters to her race.

Anyway. One woman called in and was concerned that a suburban boy who attends an HBCU might get turned out.

George G-Dub Willborn replied, “He left home with a protractor, and returned home with a blunt!”

SMDH!!

I Pity the Fool

There was a CNN article this week that analyzed the motivation behind Shaquan Duley’s horrible actions—she suffocated her two sons. Many people took umbrage, claiming that the article sought to elicit pity for her. I completely disagree. Nobody on Earth has any pity or sympathy for this sick and twisted bitch (excuse my language).

Rather, the article sought to examine her life in the hope of discovering patterns of behavior that could be used to identify other potential psycho mothers. If this data can prevent even just ONE such tragedy from occurring, then I’m all for it! In my opinion, it’s no different then taking apart the life of a serial killer.

“I'm Listening,” Said Doctor Frasier Crane

Dr. Laura Schlessinger may not be a racist, but she certainly is an awful doctor / therapist / advice giver. You know, I’ve had a lot of therapists during the past few years—though I still strongly believe that I myself deserve to be a therapist. Regardless, I find the best therapists to be the ones who spend more time listening versus speaking. But I guess Dr. Schlessinger prefers ranting and raving to actually listening and providing meaningful guidance. It’s a dayum shame! By the way, Dr. Frasier Crane would never approve of using a derogatory word during an on-air broadcast!

Romantical Love | Lust and Passion

A relationship starts with mutual attraction and lust—that’s given. And believe me when I say that mutual attraction is mandatory. If you find a potential mate absolutely disgusting, it’s likely not going to work. For instance, a lot of women see me and decide right there and then that I’m not the one—whether due to my race, my looks, or my behavior. I completely understand, as I sometimes feel the same way about women who come onto me.

Anyway. Though lust and passion help define the foundation of a relationship, they don’t hold it together. My parents have been married for decades, but they too, like Frank and Marie Barone, sometimes argue like carpet dealers in Istanbul looking for the best deals. But that’s marriage. It’s not going to be a perfect ride. If anything, it’s a roller coaster fraught with highs, lows and a shit-load of down time.

However, these young whippersnappers today don’t realize this. They expect the initial romance to stay lit forever. Well I’m sorry to bust ya’lls bubbles, but that’s just not possible. Can you imagine being with the same person for 20+ years? Do you really expect the fire to be just as strong as it was 20 years ago? I don’t think so. That’s why it’s important that older couples set a date now and again to go away (perhaps to a hotel) and rekindle the romance. It’s not going to be as hot and sweaty as it was during the first year, but at least it’ll keep the romance alive.

Anyway. Rushing into a relationship based strictly on lust and passion isn’t going to work. It might, but more than likely it’ll eventually fall apart. Real love requires more than just passionate nights out on the beach. It means learning to love your partner inside and out—including his or her faults. Then of course there’s the naïve hopeless romantic who rushes into a bad relationship because she supposedly loves the guy (lust and passion), yet believes in her heart that she can change him.

Granted we all change and mature as time passes, but some things always stay the same. So if you enter a relationship with preconceived notions of molding your beau into the ‘perfect spouse,’ then you are in for a rude awakening!

By the way, before you start engaging in any passionate behavior, please make sure you’re thoroughly educated about sex!



FYI – My penis just puked again.

E-cigarette Marketing

I’m using a batch of copywriting books to prepare marketing materials in the hope of launching an e-cigarette affiliate website soon. And I’m not just representing any old product. I really believe in e-cigarettes. They completely remove the risk of lung cancer—and by using e-cigarettes, you get the power of your lungs back! I admit though that the risk of a heart attack remains, but I already monitor my cholesterol and exercise daily, so I’m not worried.

Anyway. I wanted to share my first ROUGH-DRAFT e-cigarette marketing copy. It’s quite undone and in need of lots and lots of revisions and additions. Regardless, take a look and enjoy! I’d love to supply a link to my affiliate page, but out of respect I won’t.

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Nothing quenches your anxiety like a slow drag from a fresh cigarette. The sensation is to die for… literally.

But what if I revealed a surefire way for you to keep smoking without incurring any risk of lung cancer? Would you be willing to sacrifice time and money for a chance at a new and better life?

Introducing the e-cigarette, a revolutionary new device that provides the same nicotine rush as a conventional cigarette, but without all the negative effects. There is no tar, no chemicals, no smell, no ashes, and no risk of cancer.

According to researchers, the risk of cancer is entirely removed because there are no carcinogens.

“The vast majority of the harm caused by smoking is from the method of nicotine delivery rather than from the nicotine itself,” says David Sweaner, BA, JD, Adjunct Professor, Faculty of Law, University of Ottawa.

An e-cigarette uses what’s called an atomizer to vaporize nicotine into a water vapor that you inhale just like cigarette smoke. The difference is that the vapor is 100% safe to you and others around you. This means you can literally smoke around a baby or an ailing grandparent without damaging them one single bit.

However, the risk of a heart attack does still remain. Researchers at WebMD say nicotine itself increases the risk of heart disease by decreasing oxygen to the heart, increasing blood pressure, increasing heart rate, and increasing blood clotting. Thankfully, this risk can be drastically reduced through a healthy diet and daily exercise—and more importantly, by choosing a quality e-cigarette brand.

There are a plethora of cheaply designed and potentially harmful models being shipped from countries like China and India. Not only are they wrought with mechanical problems, but some of them even contain the same harmful chemicals found in regular cigarettes.

According to the FDA, for instance, two popular brands—Smoking Everywhere and Njoy—both contain nitrosamines and diethlegene glycol, which are carcinogens linked by scientists to lung cancer. “Despite their fancy hype and alluring flavors, these products deliver carcinogens in a cartridge,” said Attorney General Richard Blumenthal.

The last consideration is price. Though you might be tempted to choose a cheap e-cigarette brand with a cheap startup kit, I urge you to reconsider. A pricier brand like Green Smoke might charge you more, but you’ll get more in return. I’m talking about quality, durable e-cig components designed to work correctly

So what will you do with the extra lungpower you’ll earn back from smoking e-cigarettes? Take the dog for a jog instead of a walk? Spend an hour instead of 10 minutes playing with the kids? Go skinny-dipping with the spouse? It’s all up to you.

The more you understand the power of this revolutionary device, the more you’ll realize that you need it in your life.

Earlier on, I asked you the question: “Would you be willing to sacrifice time and money for a chance at a new and better life?”

Since you’re still reading this, I’m going to assume you answered, “Yes.” Well, now that I’ve shown you unequivocally how an e-cigarette can change your life, it’s time for you to act on this.

And I’m going to reward your patience and time by offering you a limited-time discount of 10% on your starter’s kit. That’s a discount of $10.90 from the initial starter’s kit of $109.00. It’s quite a bit to start, but in the long run you’ll save more money and earn back countless years of your life.

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I’m using concepts like presuppositions, linguistic bands, embedded commands, and cognitive dissonance. Quite frankly, it all sounds like pure baloney to me. However, copywriters worldwide CLAIM they work. I don’t know, though!

Meet Fido the Pedo

My dog has gone from stalking grown-ass women to little girls! Earlier this week she chased after the neighbor’s young daughter. The petite damsel was okay with it, but I certainly was not! This habit of chasing after people is starting to tick me off quite a bit. I realize that she wants to meet and love everybody, but it’s not a proper thing to do.

The worst part is that it’s rubbing off on me. Earlier this week I saw two neighbor babes walking their dog and I literally stopped in place and watched them walk until they were out of site. Looking back at it, I’m totally embarrassed and ashamed. I spent many years curbing this bad habit, but it’s slowly creeping back into my life! Sighs… my pedophilic, stalker dog is turning me into a creep again. (j/k – I’m NEVER going back to those days!)

Her attention to detail did help me spot a really hot redbone, though. Oooh weee…. I had an orgasm, fell to the ground, and screamed, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Mmm mmm… I love me a redbone! And so does my dog!



You go, gurllllllllllll!

Romantical Love | Intimacy

The last and most important part of a successful relationship is intimacy. And my belief is that intimacy is best achieved through a strong friendship. The interesting thing is that a friendship can in fact be the perfect precursor to a strong relationship. Most people, especially women, chose to avoid dating friends because “it might ruin the friendship.” Sighs. By the way, my penis just puked again. This is really starting to hurt!

Introducing Roz Doyle. She’s Frasier Crane’s best friend. They have a bond and connection that could easily sustain a romantic relationship for the ages. But instead of coming together, they spend each and every year searching elsewhere—only to be repeatedly rebuked. The answer lies right in front of them, but they refuse to embrace it.

Regardless, a relationship with intimacy stands a much better chance of surviving than one without it. But how do we define intimacy? Ray and Deborah Barone love each other to death, yet they can’t handle spending one single moment together alone—unless they’re doing the Wild Thang.

I guess that I have no answers for this part of love. I hope to find the answer one day, but I have a horrible feeling that, like Robert Barone, I won’t find my true love until I’m in my mid-40s. The sad thing is that my future wifey will likely be just as old and wrinkly as me. Can a brotha get just one chance to screw a chick who’s in her 20s or 30s? Fricken Cupid…

That’s All Folks

That’s all, folks. For the past few weeks, I’ve been coming back to the R&R room while drunk to act a fool. A story by a friend of mine has inspired me to change that habit. He spoke of a young woman who came in to interview at his company. She had great qualifications and would have been hired, but she screwed up by over-selling herself. That story made me realize that I’m sort of doing the same thing. I’m so over-zealous in my desire to express myself that I’m coming off as a buffoon. I think I do well with my main blog, but I then screw it up by stumbling back in here drunk like da Hoff.

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I can’t guarantee I won’t return, but I sure as hell am going to make an effort to avoid craigslist until tomorrow night. We’ll see what happens, though!

PS – I really really want to share that e-cigarette link because I could use some extra money! I got a lot of debt to pay back. Plus I could use a moped, a functional headset radio, a doggy treadmill (I’m athletic, but exercising SEVEN DAYS A WEEK is a tad more than I can handle), an e-cigarette starter kit (ironic, aye?), a bottle of cialis just in case I ever get laid (I have E.D. from Paroxetine), and a non-government psychiatrist who won’t require me to see a stupid-ass therapist. However, I don’t want to risk this post being flagged for hosting an advertisement.

PS #2 – Did you notice how I went from talking about politics last week to discussing love and romance this week? Do you understand now why it's impossible for my dumbass to start a blog? I'm incapable of just focusing on one subject. There's no fun in that. It's like my job. I make $5 per report, and I can easily knock out 2 to 4 reports in an hour, depending on the difficulty (some days it's motherboards, while other days it's ellipticals). Nevertheless, I only do maybe 15 reports a day. It's because I cannot stand doing the same thing over and over and over and over again! I need variety in my life. I'll spend some time doing reports, some time writing a WAN article, some time doing some copywriting, and a whole lot of time watching television, reading the news, reading facebook status updates, and thinking. I can't help it...

PS #3 – I apologize if this joke is in bad taste, but I just ran into it and it honestly made me laugh. I hope you enjoy it!

Friday, August 14th | Feel the Love (Lina)

Here we go. I’m extremely tempted to piece together an ultra-brief F YOU post because like Jon Stewart, I too feel like giving up. But I’m going to go ahead and try to persevere, though I already know this post will get flagged.

I want to touch some really serious subjects, but I don’t have the time or the writing ability to compose a CNN column. What you’re about to read is the amateur-speak of a really opinionated and quite annoyed, bored, and drunk liberal. Yes… I said the evil L word, and I’ll say it again! I’m a liberal!

Terrorist’s Paradise

Last I heard America is a secular nation defined by liberty and justice for all. In translation, we’re the country others come to so they can be free to live life as they see fit. Or at least that’s what we’re supposed to be.

However, nowadays it seems like all we as Americans want to do is prohibit others from being free. We don’t want gays marrying, Muslims building mosques, or people smoking marijuana, to name a few.

But by imposing these limitations on others’ freedoms, aren’t we just letting our country gradually turn into a terrorist’s paradise?

Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me like what the terrorists want more than anything else (besides 72 virgins) is to see America become an oppressed regime ruled by dogma and fascism.

If I’m not mistaken, the terrorists quite fancy nations like North Korea, Iran and Venezuela—countries that don’t give a damn about equal rights, liberty, freedom of religion, freedom of speech, or happiness.

They care only about making money and formulating strict rules regarding how people dress to how they speak. It’s all about power and control to them. And to be perfectly honest, sometimes it feels like we’re slowly becoming the same way.

Mind Your Business

I really get annoyed when I encounter animal-loving psychopaths. Let me explain.

A few days ago I walked to the grocery store with my dog. Unable to take her inside, I tied her to a bench and then proceeded to get my groceries. A woman noticed I was taking my time and yelled, "Yah. Take your time while your dog is outside, asshole."

Now look, you psycho broad, my life doesn't revolve around my dog's life; her life revolves around mine! If you want to pamper your dog and lick its asshole clean, be my fricken guest. But don't insult me just because I don't cater to my dog's every whim. She's a dog. A little time outside in the heat will not kill her. And believe me, upon our return home, I supplied her with plenty of water, a treat and a belly rub.

Here's another scenario. When I walk my dog, I don't like her trying to stop me. I know her pee/poop spots and have no problem taking a break when we reach them. All other spots, however, are void—in that I'm not stopping! We're on a mission, whether it's to burn some calories or reach a destination. Regardless, I'm not going to tolerate her trying to control the route. She'll walk calmly by my side and there are no ifs, ands or butts about it.

If you don’t like the way I treat my dog, tough luck because it’s none of your business.

Insects, Bugs and Assisted Suicide

My dog likes to screw with insects and bugs. The problem is that she’ll mess them up, and then leave them to die. I have no problem killing insects and bugs, but I do have a problem with torture! And leaving a moth flopping around with one remaining wing is akin to torture! I have to intervene every single time to help the itty-bitty insect or bug commit suicide. It’s awfully heart wrenching. My dog seriously needs to learn to FINISH HIMMMMMMM!



Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

I support letting the tax cuts for the rich expire. Here is why.

Let me introduce you to two Dudes: Dude A & Dude B.

Dude a makes $1,000 a month, whereas Dude B makes $10,000 a month.

30% or $300 of Dude A’s monthly income MEANS A LOT MORE. Realistically that’s a bit over half his rent. Ideally that’s three really really big fucking kegs. Regardless, Dude A only has $700 left, which barely covers his rent and bills.

30% or $3000 of Dude B’s income, on the other hand, MEANS A LOT LESS. Realistically, he still has enough left to pay his rent, pay his bills, pay his wife, pay off his mistress, pay his congressman, pay his lawyer, "MAKE IT RAIN" at the club, etc.

Yes I appreciate that Dude B got a Master's Degree and then slept with his gay professor to get that great corporate gig at McJizz Tartar Sauce Incorporated. However, that doesn't mean Dude A doesn't or hasn't been working just as hard.

For instance, there are brilliant singers out there who spend all day in the hot sun charming people on the streets with their beautiful voices, yet barely earn any income. On the other hand, there are rappers who have the singing talent of a dog being squeezed in the nuts—really loud and really obnoxious (but oddly funny); don’t try this at home—yet who bring in ridiculous sums of money. The system is clearly unfair & biased, but that's merely capitalism in action, which I think most of us can handle.

My point is that Dude B doesn’t necessarily deserve more money than Dude A. However, we as liberals are willing to accept Dude B’s gargantuan salary on the condition that he take on more responsibility in regard to taxes.

Look at it this way. When a young boy is finally afforded his own room, he takes on a slew of new responsibilities like managing his own laundry, taking care of his room, etc. But on the bright side, he can now masturbate freely without worrying about being interrupted by his annoying brother.

That’s the same thing as being rich. You get to buy more stuff and live a more comfortable life, but in turn YOU ARE OBLIGED TO GIVE MORE BACK TO SOCIETY.

Is that really so wrong?

To Serve & Protect

I was awakened this morning by a band of police officers wanting to search my room. Apparently some asshole neighbor said my roommate and I are trafficking drugs.

In the voice of Babu Bhatt, "But where are drugs? You see drugs? Show me drugs. There are no drugs!”

It was irritating because I lost an hour of sleep, but I’m not upset at the police. They were just doing their job—and for that I praise them! I do still hate them nonetheless because I swear all five or so cops that came into the house were tall, good-looking, super duper muscular (or was that just the bullet-proof vests) and looked like they get to sleep with lots and lots of women. I wouldn’t be surprised if they used to beat up geeks and dweebs back in HS. Fricken jocks!

On the bright side though, my dog proved her loyalty to me by growling at them. Awww…. my little sweetie pie don’t like the Po-Po! :-) But once I reassured her that it’s all good, she calmed down and acted politely with them. She’s a GOOD GIRL!

As for the punk who made a FALSE ALLEGATION against my roommate and I, all I have to say is NICE TRY, THOUGH! You’re going to have to step up your game and “get on your job” because “it’s MOTIVATION” to me, hater.

By the way, you are a berry berry bad man!



And oh yeah, one cop asked me if I know the names of any major dealers. Dude… who the heck do I look like… one of the Sopranos? That’s like asking a Chess Club member if he knows where the next rainbow party is being held. Get real, bro! I’m a DWEEB! I can, however, tell you where the next Star Trek convention will be! You wanna go with me (nipple rub, nipple rub), hot stuff?

J/K J/K J/K

By the way, if it weren’t for the upcoming angry black preacher web redemption, I SO would never watch Tosh.O again because I’m STILL having nightmares from watching him rub Carrot Top’s FAT (and I don’t mean P.H.A.T.) titties!

For our Father, or for Ourselves?

There was an interesting discussion about the forefathers on the Daily Show this week. Now look, I personally don't mind if the government adds to or deletes from the constitution, so long as the majority approves of the changes. However, many people don’t approve because they put too much stock on our forefathers, who by the way have been dead for 200 years.

Don’t get me wrong. I genuinely appreciate all the forefathers did and may God bless them 1000x over, but are we going to spend the next 2000 years worshipping their words like Christians do the supposed words of Jesus? I mean come on, man. I love the forefathers for their contributions, but it’s 2010 and we as people need to think for ourselves, as the context has changed in that things aren’t the same anymore!

I agree that we should heed the forefather’s words, but I also feel that we shouldn’t assume everything they said to be perfect. Quite frankly, they were humans just like us!

Unfortunately, for some people it’s as if they’re trying to make up for having a deadbeat daddy. “DADDY! DADDY!” exclaimed Palin to the picture of George Washington. He’s not your Dad, dumbass!

It’s 187 on an Undercover Squirrel

Every time I let my dog out, she scouts the area. It’s so funny to watch her slowly patrol the ‘block’ for suspicious activity, as if anything notable is even happening. But every time she lays her eyes on a squirrel or rabbit, she goes chasing them at lightening speed. Thankfully she never catches them, because she’d likely kill ‘em. And well, if that happened… I’d have no other choice but to turn her in.



Hoist the anchor, Matey!

Speaking of constitutional amendments, I don’t know yet whether I am for or against removing the 14th amendment. On one hand, I don’t want children to be punished for their parents’ sins. On the other hand, it concerns me that hundreds of thousands of children are being born in the US each year from illegal parents.

Someone suggested a fascinating idea. They said let the kids stay, but force the parents out. I kind of like this simply because the illegal parents wouldn’t be able to rely on their children for an easy path to citizenship anymore. Therefore they’d lose their ‘anchor’ and with it the motivation to procreate on our soil.

Either way, it’s such a tragic and unfortunate situation. I truly do sympathize with these people—and if you don’t, then perhaps you should have watched PrimeTime: Would What You Do tonight—but there’s only so much room in the United States. And the bottom line is that illegal immigration hurts our bottom line, and I don’t mean from just a financial standpoint.

Anyway, I got a lot of slack on the streets this week due to my stance on illegal immigration, but I’m not backing down. I got cousins in India who live in slums so dirty that cow dung lines the streets, homeless beggars crowd the alleyways begging for change, and little 13-year-old girls work 16 hour shifts just to help support their families.

Yet instead of trying to sneak off to another country, my family members take pride in their heritage and try their hardest to not only support their families, but also push their country forward toward a better day and future. Now THAT I respect! FYI, The only reason I’m in America is because my father was offered a lucrative job by a top-notch American university. He didn’t bullshit his way here; HE EARNED IT!

By the way, I don’t tolerate treating an illegal alien wrong, as they are human beings too, but I also don’t tolerate illegal immigration. So if you suspect that someone is an illegal, feel free to call the police, but don’t start insulting them and acting like a buffoon. Because if you fall to that level, then I can’t respect you either!

What is American Culture?

Someone complained that Muslims are refusing to adapt to American culture. Excuse me, but how the bloody hell do you define American culture? Is it represented by the hicks, the Goths, the cowboys, the hip-hoppers, the hipsters, or the jocks?

My point is that America isn’t a high school. It’s a large nation, and though there is a ‘mainstream culture,’ there are 1000s of sub-cultures thriving here as well—including Hindu culture, Japanese culture, gay culture, handicapped culture, short-people culture (YAY TO DWARVES), and even old-white-man culture (country clubs).

And among all these cultures lies Islamic culture. So I don’t appreciate the bullshit about Muslims not being American enough, because they have just as much right to their own culture as any other American.

You know, while these people sit here complaining about grown-ass women covering up their heads, I sit here contemplating why some members of our youth choose to wear their pants so low as to show their butt-cracks.

While they sit here complaining about Muslims building mosques to worship in, I sit here contemplating why our youth are killing each other off like crazed rats.

And while they sit here burning Qurans, I sit here contemplating what we can do to better our country.

Excuse the comedy, but the stupidity these people display is akin to a child throwing a hissy-fit over something as retarded as this:



Save Me, Christians!

I'm agnostic, which means I can tolerate Christians. But the ridiculous hypocrisy being spouted by some Christians over gay rights and Muslims has got me swinging more and more toward atheism. Have mercy because the day I wake up to discover I'm an atheist hippy stuck at Burning Man is the day I commit suicide! Dear Christians... please don't let that happen to me! SAVE ME!

Anyway, I wish people would focus more on following the 10 or so commandments than all the other bullshit. Let’s take a quick look at them.

ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'

Uhh… let’s skip this one.

TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'

Uhh… let’s skip this one too.

THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'

Jesus fricken Christ! Let’s skip this one too!

FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'

Assuming Sabbath to be Friday and Saturday, I say RIGHT ON!

FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother.'

Unless they’re abusive, in which case I recommend calling child services.

SIX: 'You shall not murder.'

Except in self-defense, because it’s better to murder and keep your ass alive, then be murdered and end up the guardian angel of the guy who just got sent to prison for killing you. Spending the first 50 or so years of your life in heaven in a prison cell just isn’t cool, dude!

SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'

Unless your spouse cheated on you first, in which case you owe it to them.

EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.'

Unless you’re a corrupt politician, in which case it’s okay.

NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'

COUGH Ahem COUGH Ahem

TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'

Why you gotta hate on donkey love?

I’m sorry. I should not have included this in my post, but I’m tipsy and well… my point was to try to focus on core values like don’t steal or drive drunk, but as I went down the list of commandments, I kept coming up with exceptions.

I guess the only commandment I can think for which there are no exceptions is:

Love One Another

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That’s it, folks. It would have probably been longer, but I lost a LOT OF TIME today dealing with some other issues that popped up out of nowhere. Regardless, I’m off to get drunk and have a great evening, despite the haters! And oh yeah, THANK GOD for tinfoil!

Friday, August 6th | Feelin' Myself (Nipsey Hussle Ft. Lloyd)

Evening. I usually go for ol’-school joints, but I was so blown away by this song that I felt compelled to share it.

Anyway. This has been a roller-coaster week chockfull of thunderstorms, ups/downs and, of course, a really loud, obnoxious and annoying woman who shall remain unnamed. *cackle cackle cackle* Enough with the bull; let’s get down to bidnez.

Just to let you know though, this post isn’t going to be all that funny. I’m just not feeling it today.

Too Many People, Too Little Space

As I’ve made clear in the past, I sympathize with the plight of illegal immigrants. Nevertheless, I stand firmly against illegal immigration because it’s not a viable option. Let me explain.

Over 6.5 billion people populate the Earth. According to the World Bank, 1.4 billion of them live at or below the poverty line. That makes them, shall we say, people who’d likely give anything for a chance at the American dream, correct?

The problem is that we don’t have enough resources to accommodate them. Though our country houses only 4% of the world population, we still suffer from an abundance of problems—unemployment, homelessness, debt galore and much more.

If we were to let them all parade through our borders, we’d be in a heap of trouble. Unemployment and homelessness would skyrocket, crime would escalate and our great country would fall to its knees in shambles. So though America is a ‘melting pot’ that in theory welcomes everybody, I ultimately must vote against illegals because I’m not too keen on seeing my beloved nation crippled.

Don’t get me wrong. I sincerely do sympathize with their struggle—but it is on them to do things the right way. I realize the process of legal immigration is a pain in the ass, but there’s a reason for this.

Now look, most of us would love to be handed a first-rate job at the company of our dreams. But life doesn’t function that way. First we must put in 10, 20 or more years of hard work before we’ll even be considered—kind of like when Robert Barone applied to the F.B.I. after being a police officer for over 20 years. The truth is that it’s very tough to obtain a great position, but the system has been setup this way to ensure that only qualified applicants earn them. The last thing a powerhouse organization wants is to foster mediocracy.

By the same token, we cannot just accept anyone into our midst. Potential immigrants must prove themselves worthy by taking the time to go through the rigorous process of legal immigration. Once they’ve done that and been approved, then all I have to say to them is ‘WELCOME TO AMERICA!’ Until then, however, they’re not welcome here. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is.

You know, I got cousins in India who’d love to come here. But guess what… they have to do it the hard way! One or two have managed to make it, but the rest are still struggling—especially the youngest of the crew. He’s still got a ways to go, but he’ll get here eventually in due time.

Trigger-Happy Border Defense

It’s important that we don’t become too trigger happy about defending our borders, though. This week Lebanese snipers opened fire on Israeli military personnel who were merely cutting a tree near the Lebanese border. A total of three lives were lost because of this totally unnecessary skirmish.

The sad thing is that all this Middle-East violence once again comes back to people shooting one another to defend their ‘Holy’ land. Talk about making your God proud. “I appreciate the frags,” said God. (rolling eyes) Unfortunately, people can’t respawn in real life!

Announcing the Union of Harry Cox and Harry Bottoms

I don’t understand why gay marriage is such an issue. This whole ‘sanctity of marriage’ crap is just that… crap! Kramer said it right when he proclaimed that marriage is a man-made prison. And if you voluntarily choose to enter a prison, then that’s on you, playa!

But if you’re down with it, then gon’ get yours, and I mean that with a Zorro snap in Z formation. Personally I don’t see the benefits of balls and chains (the irony being that in this case it’s literal, as gay folk are hella freaky!), but hey… do you!

But here’s an idea for the haters. How about we divide marriage into two separate acts: government-based and church-based. As it currently stands, marriage requires both a church ceremony and the filing of official government papers, correct? Well, how about we make the filing of papers necessary, but the church ceremony optional?

You know, marriage is at its base “a social union or legal contract between individuals that creates kinship.” There is no mention whatsoever of religion. Therefore the religious arguments against same-sex marriage are bull because the act of marriage is entirely secular. So if you don’t want gay Bob and ultra-gay Larry (aka Lolita) marrying in your church, talk to your pastor—and leave the judicial system out of it!



Dialogue versus Glitter and Flamboyance

Law and Order has changed over the years. Though the main series kind of maintained its core essence until the end, I feel as if SVU and Criminal Intent have both lost touch with their roots. Over the years they started to trade in strong dialogue for glittery scenes and flamboyant stories. I could be incorrect, as it’s been 6 months since I’ve seen an episode, but I’m pretty sure I remember shaking my head in disappointment at least once last Spring.

This week I got a chance to watch a few episodes of the ORIGINAL Law and Order dating back to the early 90s. I was impressed by their focus on strong dialogue and interesting cases. The episodes were simple and to the point, yet strong and memorable. I sincerely believe Dick Wolf needs to return back to these roots.

He has the opportunity do exactly that with his upcoming show, Law and Order: LA, but I’m afraid that it’s going to end up being a piece of crap. My fear is that Wolf will rely on sunny LA background scenes and totally unreal—and perhaps even outright ridiculous—plots to make the show popular. I just hope he makes the right decision!

You Have to Crawl before You Walk

Speaking of Dick Wolf, here is a great quote from him.

“I've never understood the obsession with younger writers and dramas. Comedies I understand, but how do you write drama at 23; you haven't experienced anything. You know about 23-year-olds. It's kind of hard to write about 60 year old EADAs [Executive Assistant District Attorneys]. Only a couple of us are 60 years old so far, but there are not many 23-year-olds who can write about life-changing situations unless it's medical. That sounds weird, but there's not the mileage on the odometer to get under the surface. There are exceptions that prove the rule—Dickens wasn't bad at 23.”

I agree entirely. Except for geniuses, most of us have to put in years of work to earn the skill-set necessary to achieve our goals. But each year of hard work that we put in brings with it new revelations that change both how we function and the way in which we perceive life. It’s the process of going from crawling like a baby to walking like an adult.

During my late teens and early adult years, I performed every chore imaginable—I scrubbed toilets, emptied restroom tampon trays, washed dishes, bussed tables, sat customers, made burgers, restocked condiments, swept & mopped floors and much more.

Now that I’m older, I can’t imagine ever doing these things again. The education and knowledge I’ve acquired has given me the skill-set necessary to pursue more difficult tasks like data entry, freelance writing and voice transcription. And soon I hope to climb yet another notch up the ladder of success by familiarizing myself with copywriting, affiliate marketing and ecommerce—and then spending 5 or more years mastering them (not in the sense of becoming an expert, but in the sense of becoming an intermediate professional).

My hope is that young kids or legal immigrants who need a stepping-stone toward a better future can fill those jobs I don’t do anymore. Work, build discipline, save money, get educated and then enter the career world. It’s a painstaking process, but it’s worth it—and more importantly, it’s mandatory.

Because when you try to do something that you’re not well equipped to handle, bad things can happen. Kind of like this….



That’s the last time I hire an unqualified contractor!

Mama Grizzly Don’t Take No Shit

This week Palin went on a spiel about how conservative ‘Mama Grizzlies’ are banding together to “get things done for our country.” Now look, I got to give credit to Palin for being a motherly ‘grizzly bear,’ but the problem is that she’s one of those ‘Mama bears’ known to accidentally roll over and smother her young—you know, like when she gets distracted by bears on unicycles riding by.

Wee-Wees and Hoo-Hoos

There’s more to life than just love and relationships! Some people are seriously obsessed with wee-wees and hoo-hoos. I have a big wee-wee and I wouldn’t mind sticking it in a small hoo-hoo, but I have plenty of other hobbies and interests to make me go WHOO-HOO!

As a young man, I’d rather focus on advancing my career, staying in touch with national and international news and participating in community activities like cookouts and strip-club charities. I just don’t have time to play the ‘hookup game.’ My belief is that there’s a right woman out there for me and one day I’ll meet her. In the meantime, I’m taking it easy.

Reason I say this is because I take a lot of slack for not proactively searching for love and sex. I’m cautious, mayne! Point blank, I don't date hoes! Don't matter if you a Navajo or you from Idaho, if you a hoe, you gotsta go, yo!



Such racial unity! It’s beautiful!

250 Roses for an Hour

There’s a big debate raging over Craigslist’s adult sections. I’m against sex trafficking, but I think there’s a huge difference between being forced to sell one’s body—and voluntarily choosing to offer oneself for a price. Not to mention that prostitution is one of the oldest professions. Plus if you ban it on Craigslist, they’ll merely filter their way back onto the streets.

If the government would just legalize prostitution and create some sort of legitimate and safe network—one that would require ‘hoes’ to verify their identities, for instance, to prevent children and other victims from being abused—things would be a lot better off.

The bottom line is that prostitution will never go away. There are far too many lonely people out there who want nothing else but to just but a quick nut.

I’m a Whore

Speaking of prostitutes, someone asked if I’d ever work for Fox. Shit… for the right salary I’d iron Glenn Beck’s pants, shine his shoes and give him a massage—all white singing “Wade in the Water” and praising my ‘white massah.’ Hey man, it’s not my actions that count; it’s what’s in my heart and, more importantly, what’s in my got-dayum wallet! See, I already know how to speak like them! (this is just a joke c/p’d from the Daily Show facebook page; I like to spread my jokes all over the place!)

I’m Down with the Rev

There was a discussion about Reverend Al Sharpton on the Baisden facebook page this week. Here’s my input.

I don't mind a man who stands up for his people; there's nothing wrong with that. That's like a blind man standing up for other blind men, or a short man standing up for all short people. I don't always agree with the Rev, but I do have an underlying respect for him and his cause. He's a very serious and very committed man and I can't help but respect that. If more of us wiped away the giggles and went after righteousness like he does—with so much conviction—I imagine this might be a better world.

However, I understand why many people despise him. Sharpton often fails to realize that the pursuit for equality is a multi-cultural, multi-gender, multi-religious and even multi-sexual struggle that’s growing in size every year—as more people become fed up and join the cause for righteousness. And by ignoring the plights of others, Sharpton is merely alienating himself and his ideology. It’s unfortunate because I truly do believe he’s a good man hidden beneath a really really bad hairdo.

My Dog is a Stalker

My dog is a fricken stalker. She’ll literally chase after anyone with a dog. It’s quite irritating, as it puts me in an uncomfortable situation where I must first apologize for her behavior, and then awkwardly make my departure. The irony is that she tends to only chase after hot women. And I got to tell you, my sweet little baby got some really good taste! It does make me wonder though whether she’s a lesbian. I hope so, because then we could be lesbian bffs. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Schnauzer, scoundrel, lesbians incorporated!”

And no, my dog is NOT a schnauzer, but it fit well with the song lyrics for Laverne and Shirley!

FYI, the original lyrics go like this:

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.”



That’s a pathetically put-together pic, but graphics are not my forte.

Rolling in Doo-Doo

This week I caught my dog rolling in poop. Sighs. You know, cats may be lazy, good-for-nothing tricksters, but at least they don’t revel in feces!

Speaking of nastiness, I hate being licked by my dog. Hell, I hate being licked period—even by women. What’s worse is that my dog likes to lick her butt, and then lick my hand. Excuse me, but I don’t feel like have anal residue all over my fricken hand!

Other than that, this was an up and down week with us. I got so mad at her a few days ago that I called Animal Control. She just irritates me to no end sometimes. And as I have Asperger’s Syndrome, I’m very sensitive to things like people or dogs sighing. My last roommate would SIGH real loudly from his room, as if to indicate I need to lower the television volume—though it was already low enough! It would seriously piss me off sooooo fricken much!

And well, the dog’s sighing does the same thing to me. What pisses me off the most is when she sighs while I’m having a good time. I’ll be laughing at Jon Stewart when she suddenly bellows out a huge sigh. It makes me suddenly go from laughing to being pissed off. Like…. EXCUSE ME FOR TAKING A MOMENT TO LAUGH AND ENJOY MY LIFE! SORRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYY. Fricken bitch!

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PS #1 – No I did not watch Bill O’Reilly this week. To be honest, I don’t even know what the heck time he’s on!

PS #2 – As you can tell, my posts are on a downward spiral. I’m still spitting fire, but not as hot fire. Regardless, I stand by this post.

PS #3 – I’ve been trying to toilet train my dog and, well, now my dick itches. Is it possible to catch gonorrhea from a dog? No, I’m just fucking around because I’m stupid like that.