By the way, this will be pretty boring. I’m just throwing shit together to keep myself busy. Not too many jokes. Not much relevant talk. A lot of it is basically me trying to give advice as if I’m formally trained to do as such.
Romantical Love | Precursor
CNN did a piece this week in which it claimed that 43% of all Americans over the age of 18 are single. That’s a staggering number of lonely sods hurdling through life without a ‘romantical backbone’ to give them support. I don’t know why so many people are single, or why so many marriages end in divorce, but I have some theories and suggestions. So for one day, and one day only, I’m going to pretend I’m a therapist! Before I begin, I just want to state for the record that unlike Dr. Laura, I love black people! Speaking of which, “Gucci bandanna!”
Romantical Love | Commitment
Early in June I visited the animal shelter and laid eyes upon a beautiful dog whom I then adopted. Since then it’s been a roller coaster like no other.
My dog and I are quite different. I’m an anti-social introvert who prefers the company of me, myself, and me nuts. She on the other hand is a social whore who loves to meet new people and dogs. Added to that, she’s really hairy and sheds all the time. This is a problem because she loves to cuddle. But whenever we cuddle, I end up covered from pant to shirt in hairs galore.
The funny thing is that it really isn’t cuddling, as she expects me to pet her. If I stop petting her, she’ll keep licking and biting my hand. If I don’t respond, she’ll eventually lay her head on my stomach, stare up at me, and let out a pleading sigh for love and attention. “Love me, Daddy,” she says with her dour eyes. I stare back and wonder why she can’t just be content with lying next to me.
It’d be so much easier for me if I just gave her away, and then waited patiently to find a dog that better fits my personality. But I choose not to because I love her—and believe me when I say I absolutely abhor using the pesky L word. Regardless, I have chosen to make a commitment, and I wholeheartedly intend to honor it until the day either she or I pass. She’s an annoying little bitch, but that’s my hoe rite thar! Speaking of which, “Get back to work and make me some money, biatch!”
The point of my story is that love requires commitment. And when I say commitment, I don’t mean sticking it out until things get too hard to handle. I mean a lifetime pledge whereby two people agree to love and care for one another until death do or does them part.
Part of the problem today is that too many people are rushing into marriage without first really thinking about their decision. They’re being led entirely by lust and passion (see the Love and Passion section) instead of real love. It’s unfortunate because many of these relationships will falter within the first two years, leading to a bitter divorce and a lifetime of hostility. If people spent more time together prior to marriage—perhaps two or more years?—I imagine the divorce rate might go down a tad, though I could be wrong.
Another problem is an unwillingness to persevere through difficult times. A guy loses his job, the woman grows frustrated, and then she leaves. A woman gets depressed, the guy gets bored with sex, and then he cheats. Like I said earlier, it’s a lot easier to give up and look elsewhere. But it takes a whole lot more strength to endure and work hard to maintain one’s relationship. This may entail seeking counseling, taking time apart, or just rekindling the romance. Either way, most people don’t seem up to the challenge.
You know, the same day I got my dog, I put up an ad on craigslist in an attempt to pawn her off to somebody else. A young lady replied (rather harshly too, I might add) and convinced me to give my dog a shot. I’m so glad that she intervened, because now I can’t imagine my life without my little baby poo-poo butt!
Anyway. I understand when a couple that’s been together 20 years decides to break apart. They’ve at least given it a running chance. But what irritates me is all these young-bucks who get married, get divorced 2 years later, get married again, get divorced 1 year later, get married AGAIN, and then get divorced 6 months later. I mean… COME ON NOW!
By the way, I used my dog merely as an example. Don’t you for one single minute start to think there’s any freaky business going on over here!
“I’m a Big Weenie!” Said the Sentimental Penis
I really like ‘Masterchef’ and ‘Breakthrough with Tony Robbins.’ In my opinion, both shows provide a great way to get in touch with the human spirit. However, this isn’t a shared feeling.
For one, many people have complained that Masterchef is too full of sob stories. And as for Tony Robbins, his show performed so badly in regard to ratings that it was cancelled after only two episodes. Thankfully the remaining clips can be watched on Hulu, but still.
It’s sad to me that America lacks an appreciation for sentimentality. Nowadays it’s considered ‘gay’ to be a big old sentimental ‘weenie’ who appreciates a tear-inspiring story. I don’t watch Masterchef because I love food. I eat microwave food all week long, for goodness gracious. I watch it because I like seeing people reach for their dreams. When they fail, it’s heart wrenching. But when they succeed making it to the next round, it’s inspirational!
Just Say No to Cyber Love!
I refrain from looking for love online because I’ve had some bad experiences with it in the past. In early 2005 my life was a mess, so I wrote a letter to 'God' pleading for him to bring a woman into my life that would change it for the best. Well, it kind of happened.
Soon after I met a young online chick and we became close friends. Within six months we were arguing like a married couple and had made a commitment to one another, though we had never met, let alone spoken on the phone. She made constant excuses as to why it wasn’t possible—I’m scared; I’m not ready; etc. etc.
Since I was in search of a better life, I decided to move out to Raleigh in the hope of finally meeting her. But even after being here for 3 months, we still had not met. I finally grew sick of the excuses and moved on. To this day I still wonder whether she was who she claimed to be, or if she instead was a 40-year-old fat man with a penchant for sexy young Asian men who talk like they’re white, dress like they’re black, and make cyber-love like they’re a really hyper rabbit with carpal tunnel syndrome.
I banghi you
I bangsding you
I bgdsnanging you more
Ohhhhhh.. I’m done
Sadly, I didn’t learn my lesson the first time around. A few years later I encountered a ‘woman’ online and we traded pictures and spoke on the phone. Our relationship lasted approximately 3 months. During that time, I noticed a few odd discrepancies. For one, she had a very Tomboyish nature, and I found that rather unattractive. Plus her voice was awfully scratchy and there was something rather peculiar about her picture.
One day she finally revealed that she was in fact a young man in the process of getting a sex-change operation. I immediately banged my head on the wall 20 times. Then I puked, my penis puked (it’s kind of complicated and hard to explain, but yes, a penis can puke), and then I farted—a loud, belligerent, and disgruntled fart like a straight man’s fart should be.
Nowadays I completely avoid online love because I don’t trust it one single bit. It’s quite unfortunate because I’m awfully shy in public. So much so that I still pray to ‘God’—I’m not religious, but for love I sure will be—in the hope that he, she, or it will bring the right woman into my life one day.
The one good thing about my online-love fiascos is that they brought me to Raleigh. For that, I’ll forever be thankful. The bad thing is that my penis still hurts from all that puking!
He Left Home with a Protractor, and Returned Home with a Blunt
This week Michael Baisden hosted a discussion regarding whether parents should send their children to a predominately white university or an HBCU. He favored the latter, as he felt that it’s important young black men and women are given a chance to embrace their heritage. However, I disagree. I feel that once a child is old enough to attend college, he has already developed most of his personality. Suffice it to say, an 18-year-old black boy who listens to Garth Brooks isn’t likely to suddenly start listening to Talib Kweli merely because his environment has changed.
I also believe that the decision should be based more on the child’s educational needs. I’d rather she attend a school equipped to provide her with the skills and knowledge required to excel at her choice of career, versus a school that just caters to her race.
Anyway. One woman called in and was concerned that a suburban boy who attends an HBCU might get turned out.
George G-Dub Willborn replied, “He left home with a protractor, and returned home with a blunt!”
SMDH!!
I Pity the Fool
There was a CNN article this week that analyzed the motivation behind Shaquan Duley’s horrible actions—she suffocated her two sons. Many people took umbrage, claiming that the article sought to elicit pity for her. I completely disagree. Nobody on Earth has any pity or sympathy for this sick and twisted bitch (excuse my language).
Rather, the article sought to examine her life in the hope of discovering patterns of behavior that could be used to identify other potential psycho mothers. If this data can prevent even just ONE such tragedy from occurring, then I’m all for it! In my opinion, it’s no different then taking apart the life of a serial killer.
“I'm Listening,” Said Doctor Frasier Crane
Dr. Laura Schlessinger may not be a racist, but she certainly is an awful doctor / therapist / advice giver. You know, I’ve had a lot of therapists during the past few years—though I still strongly believe that I myself deserve to be a therapist. Regardless, I find the best therapists to be the ones who spend more time listening versus speaking. But I guess Dr. Schlessinger prefers ranting and raving to actually listening and providing meaningful guidance. It’s a dayum shame! By the way, Dr. Frasier Crane would never approve of using a derogatory word during an on-air broadcast!
Romantical Love | Lust and Passion
A relationship starts with mutual attraction and lust—that’s given. And believe me when I say that mutual attraction is mandatory. If you find a potential mate absolutely disgusting, it’s likely not going to work. For instance, a lot of women see me and decide right there and then that I’m not the one—whether due to my race, my looks, or my behavior. I completely understand, as I sometimes feel the same way about women who come onto me.
Anyway. Though lust and passion help define the foundation of a relationship, they don’t hold it together. My parents have been married for decades, but they too, like Frank and Marie Barone, sometimes argue like carpet dealers in Istanbul looking for the best deals. But that’s marriage. It’s not going to be a perfect ride. If anything, it’s a roller coaster fraught with highs, lows and a shit-load of down time.
However, these young whippersnappers today don’t realize this. They expect the initial romance to stay lit forever. Well I’m sorry to bust ya’lls bubbles, but that’s just not possible. Can you imagine being with the same person for 20+ years? Do you really expect the fire to be just as strong as it was 20 years ago? I don’t think so. That’s why it’s important that older couples set a date now and again to go away (perhaps to a hotel) and rekindle the romance. It’s not going to be as hot and sweaty as it was during the first year, but at least it’ll keep the romance alive.
Anyway. Rushing into a relationship based strictly on lust and passion isn’t going to work. It might, but more than likely it’ll eventually fall apart. Real love requires more than just passionate nights out on the beach. It means learning to love your partner inside and out—including his or her faults. Then of course there’s the naïve hopeless romantic who rushes into a bad relationship because she supposedly loves the guy (lust and passion), yet believes in her heart that she can change him.
Granted we all change and mature as time passes, but some things always stay the same. So if you enter a relationship with preconceived notions of molding your beau into the ‘perfect spouse,’ then you are in for a rude awakening!
By the way, before you start engaging in any passionate behavior, please make sure you’re thoroughly educated about sex!
FYI – My penis just puked again.
E-cigarette Marketing
I’m using a batch of copywriting books to prepare marketing materials in the hope of launching an e-cigarette affiliate website soon. And I’m not just representing any old product. I really believe in e-cigarettes. They completely remove the risk of lung cancer—and by using e-cigarettes, you get the power of your lungs back! I admit though that the risk of a heart attack remains, but I already monitor my cholesterol and exercise daily, so I’m not worried.
Anyway. I wanted to share my first ROUGH-DRAFT e-cigarette marketing copy. It’s quite undone and in need of lots and lots of revisions and additions. Regardless, take a look and enjoy! I’d love to supply a link to my affiliate page, but out of respect I won’t.
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Nothing quenches your anxiety like a slow drag from a fresh cigarette. The sensation is to die for… literally.
But what if I revealed a surefire way for you to keep smoking without incurring any risk of lung cancer? Would you be willing to sacrifice time and money for a chance at a new and better life?
Introducing the e-cigarette, a revolutionary new device that provides the same nicotine rush as a conventional cigarette, but without all the negative effects. There is no tar, no chemicals, no smell, no ashes, and no risk of cancer.
According to researchers, the risk of cancer is entirely removed because there are no carcinogens.
“The vast majority of the harm caused by smoking is from the method of nicotine delivery rather than from the nicotine itself,” says David Sweaner, BA, JD, Adjunct Professor, Faculty of Law, University of Ottawa.
An e-cigarette uses what’s called an atomizer to vaporize nicotine into a water vapor that you inhale just like cigarette smoke. The difference is that the vapor is 100% safe to you and others around you. This means you can literally smoke around a baby or an ailing grandparent without damaging them one single bit.
However, the risk of a heart attack does still remain. Researchers at WebMD say nicotine itself increases the risk of heart disease by decreasing oxygen to the heart, increasing blood pressure, increasing heart rate, and increasing blood clotting. Thankfully, this risk can be drastically reduced through a healthy diet and daily exercise—and more importantly, by choosing a quality e-cigarette brand.
There are a plethora of cheaply designed and potentially harmful models being shipped from countries like China and India. Not only are they wrought with mechanical problems, but some of them even contain the same harmful chemicals found in regular cigarettes.
According to the FDA, for instance, two popular brands—Smoking Everywhere and Njoy—both contain nitrosamines and diethlegene glycol, which are carcinogens linked by scientists to lung cancer. “Despite their fancy hype and alluring flavors, these products deliver carcinogens in a cartridge,” said Attorney General Richard Blumenthal.
The last consideration is price. Though you might be tempted to choose a cheap e-cigarette brand with a cheap startup kit, I urge you to reconsider. A pricier brand like Green Smoke might charge you more, but you’ll get more in return. I’m talking about quality, durable e-cig components designed to work correctly
So what will you do with the extra lungpower you’ll earn back from smoking e-cigarettes? Take the dog for a jog instead of a walk? Spend an hour instead of 10 minutes playing with the kids? Go skinny-dipping with the spouse? It’s all up to you.
The more you understand the power of this revolutionary device, the more you’ll realize that you need it in your life.
Earlier on, I asked you the question: “Would you be willing to sacrifice time and money for a chance at a new and better life?”
Since you’re still reading this, I’m going to assume you answered, “Yes.” Well, now that I’ve shown you unequivocally how an e-cigarette can change your life, it’s time for you to act on this.
And I’m going to reward your patience and time by offering you a limited-time discount of 10% on your starter’s kit. That’s a discount of $10.90 from the initial starter’s kit of $109.00. It’s quite a bit to start, but in the long run you’ll save more money and earn back countless years of your life.
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I’m using concepts like presuppositions, linguistic bands, embedded commands, and cognitive dissonance. Quite frankly, it all sounds like pure baloney to me. However, copywriters worldwide CLAIM they work. I don’t know, though!
Meet Fido the Pedo
My dog has gone from stalking grown-ass women to little girls! Earlier this week she chased after the neighbor’s young daughter. The petite damsel was okay with it, but I certainly was not! This habit of chasing after people is starting to tick me off quite a bit. I realize that she wants to meet and love everybody, but it’s not a proper thing to do.
The worst part is that it’s rubbing off on me. Earlier this week I saw two neighbor babes walking their dog and I literally stopped in place and watched them walk until they were out of site. Looking back at it, I’m totally embarrassed and ashamed. I spent many years curbing this bad habit, but it’s slowly creeping back into my life! Sighs… my pedophilic, stalker dog is turning me into a creep again. (j/k – I’m NEVER going back to those days!)
Her attention to detail did help me spot a really hot redbone, though. Oooh weee…. I had an orgasm, fell to the ground, and screamed, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Mmm mmm… I love me a redbone! And so does my dog!
You go, gurllllllllllll!
Romantical Love | Intimacy
The last and most important part of a successful relationship is intimacy. And my belief is that intimacy is best achieved through a strong friendship. The interesting thing is that a friendship can in fact be the perfect precursor to a strong relationship. Most people, especially women, chose to avoid dating friends because “it might ruin the friendship.” Sighs. By the way, my penis just puked again. This is really starting to hurt!
Introducing Roz Doyle. She’s Frasier Crane’s best friend. They have a bond and connection that could easily sustain a romantic relationship for the ages. But instead of coming together, they spend each and every year searching elsewhere—only to be repeatedly rebuked. The answer lies right in front of them, but they refuse to embrace it.
Regardless, a relationship with intimacy stands a much better chance of surviving than one without it. But how do we define intimacy? Ray and Deborah Barone love each other to death, yet they can’t handle spending one single moment together alone—unless they’re doing the Wild Thang.
I guess that I have no answers for this part of love. I hope to find the answer one day, but I have a horrible feeling that, like Robert Barone, I won’t find my true love until I’m in my mid-40s. The sad thing is that my future wifey will likely be just as old and wrinkly as me. Can a brotha get just one chance to screw a chick who’s in her 20s or 30s? Fricken Cupid…
That’s All Folks
That’s all, folks. For the past few weeks, I’ve been coming back to the R&R room while drunk to act a fool. A story by a friend of mine has inspired me to change that habit. He spoke of a young woman who came in to interview at his company. She had great qualifications and would have been hired, but she screwed up by over-selling herself. That story made me realize that I’m sort of doing the same thing. I’m so over-zealous in my desire to express myself that I’m coming off as a buffoon. I think I do well with my main blog, but I then screw it up by stumbling back in here drunk like da Hoff.
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I can’t guarantee I won’t return, but I sure as hell am going to make an effort to avoid craigslist until tomorrow night. We’ll see what happens, though!
PS – I really really want to share that e-cigarette link because I could use some extra money! I got a lot of debt to pay back. Plus I could use a moped, a functional headset radio, a doggy treadmill (I’m athletic, but exercising SEVEN DAYS A WEEK is a tad more than I can handle), an e-cigarette starter kit (ironic, aye?), a bottle of cialis just in case I ever get laid (I have E.D. from Paroxetine), and a non-government psychiatrist who won’t require me to see a stupid-ass therapist. However, I don’t want to risk this post being flagged for hosting an advertisement.
PS #2 – Did you notice how I went from talking about politics last week to discussing love and romance this week? Do you understand now why it's impossible for my dumbass to start a blog? I'm incapable of just focusing on one subject. There's no fun in that. It's like my job. I make $5 per report, and I can easily knock out 2 to 4 reports in an hour, depending on the difficulty (some days it's motherboards, while other days it's ellipticals). Nevertheless, I only do maybe 15 reports a day. It's because I cannot stand doing the same thing over and over and over and over again! I need variety in my life. I'll spend some time doing reports, some time writing a WAN article, some time doing some copywriting, and a whole lot of time watching television, reading the news, reading facebook status updates, and thinking. I can't help it...
PS #3 – I apologize if this joke is in bad taste, but I just ran into it and it honestly made me laugh. I hope you enjoy it!
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