I want to touch some really serious subjects, but I don’t have the time or the writing ability to compose a CNN column. What you’re about to read is the amateur-speak of a really opinionated and quite annoyed, bored, and drunk liberal. Yes… I said the evil L word, and I’ll say it again! I’m a liberal!
Terrorist’s Paradise
Last I heard America is a secular nation defined by liberty and justice for all. In translation, we’re the country others come to so they can be free to live life as they see fit. Or at least that’s what we’re supposed to be.
However, nowadays it seems like all we as Americans want to do is prohibit others from being free. We don’t want gays marrying, Muslims building mosques, or people smoking marijuana, to name a few.
But by imposing these limitations on others’ freedoms, aren’t we just letting our country gradually turn into a terrorist’s paradise?
Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me like what the terrorists want more than anything else (besides 72 virgins) is to see America become an oppressed regime ruled by dogma and fascism.
If I’m not mistaken, the terrorists quite fancy nations like North Korea, Iran and Venezuela—countries that don’t give a damn about equal rights, liberty, freedom of religion, freedom of speech, or happiness.
They care only about making money and formulating strict rules regarding how people dress to how they speak. It’s all about power and control to them. And to be perfectly honest, sometimes it feels like we’re slowly becoming the same way.
Mind Your Business
I really get annoyed when I encounter animal-loving psychopaths. Let me explain.
A few days ago I walked to the grocery store with my dog. Unable to take her inside, I tied her to a bench and then proceeded to get my groceries. A woman noticed I was taking my time and yelled, "Yah. Take your time while your dog is outside, asshole."
Now look, you psycho broad, my life doesn't revolve around my dog's life; her life revolves around mine! If you want to pamper your dog and lick its asshole clean, be my fricken guest. But don't insult me just because I don't cater to my dog's every whim. She's a dog. A little time outside in the heat will not kill her. And believe me, upon our return home, I supplied her with plenty of water, a treat and a belly rub.
Here's another scenario. When I walk my dog, I don't like her trying to stop me. I know her pee/poop spots and have no problem taking a break when we reach them. All other spots, however, are void—in that I'm not stopping! We're on a mission, whether it's to burn some calories or reach a destination. Regardless, I'm not going to tolerate her trying to control the route. She'll walk calmly by my side and there are no ifs, ands or butts about it.
If you don’t like the way I treat my dog, tough luck because it’s none of your business.
Insects, Bugs and Assisted Suicide
My dog likes to screw with insects and bugs. The problem is that she’ll mess them up, and then leave them to die. I have no problem killing insects and bugs, but I do have a problem with torture! And leaving a moth flopping around with one remaining wing is akin to torture! I have to intervene every single time to help the itty-bitty insect or bug commit suicide. It’s awfully heart wrenching. My dog seriously needs to learn to FINISH HIMMMMMMM!
Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems
I support letting the tax cuts for the rich expire. Here is why.
Let me introduce you to two Dudes: Dude A & Dude B.
Dude a makes $1,000 a month, whereas Dude B makes $10,000 a month.
30% or $300 of Dude A’s monthly income MEANS A LOT MORE. Realistically that’s a bit over half his rent. Ideally that’s three really really big fucking kegs. Regardless, Dude A only has $700 left, which barely covers his rent and bills.
30% or $3000 of Dude B’s income, on the other hand, MEANS A LOT LESS. Realistically, he still has enough left to pay his rent, pay his bills, pay his wife, pay off his mistress, pay his congressman, pay his lawyer, "MAKE IT RAIN" at the club, etc.
Yes I appreciate that Dude B got a Master's Degree and then slept with his gay professor to get that great corporate gig at McJizz Tartar Sauce Incorporated. However, that doesn't mean Dude A doesn't or hasn't been working just as hard.
For instance, there are brilliant singers out there who spend all day in the hot sun charming people on the streets with their beautiful voices, yet barely earn any income. On the other hand, there are rappers who have the singing talent of a dog being squeezed in the nuts—really loud and really obnoxious (but oddly funny); don’t try this at home—yet who bring in ridiculous sums of money. The system is clearly unfair & biased, but that's merely capitalism in action, which I think most of us can handle.
My point is that Dude B doesn’t necessarily deserve more money than Dude A. However, we as liberals are willing to accept Dude B’s gargantuan salary on the condition that he take on more responsibility in regard to taxes.
Look at it this way. When a young boy is finally afforded his own room, he takes on a slew of new responsibilities like managing his own laundry, taking care of his room, etc. But on the bright side, he can now masturbate freely without worrying about being interrupted by his annoying brother.
That’s the same thing as being rich. You get to buy more stuff and live a more comfortable life, but in turn YOU ARE OBLIGED TO GIVE MORE BACK TO SOCIETY.
Is that really so wrong?
To Serve & Protect
I was awakened this morning by a band of police officers wanting to search my room. Apparently some asshole neighbor said my roommate and I are trafficking drugs.
In the voice of Babu Bhatt, "But where are drugs? You see drugs? Show me drugs. There are no drugs!”
It was irritating because I lost an hour of sleep, but I’m not upset at the police. They were just doing their job—and for that I praise them! I do still hate them nonetheless because I swear all five or so cops that came into the house were tall, good-looking, super duper muscular (or was that just the bullet-proof vests) and looked like they get to sleep with lots and lots of women. I wouldn’t be surprised if they used to beat up geeks and dweebs back in HS. Fricken jocks!
On the bright side though, my dog proved her loyalty to me by growling at them. Awww…. my little sweetie pie don’t like the Po-Po! :-) But once I reassured her that it’s all good, she calmed down and acted politely with them. She’s a GOOD GIRL!
As for the punk who made a FALSE ALLEGATION against my roommate and I, all I have to say is NICE TRY, THOUGH! You’re going to have to step up your game and “get on your job” because “it’s MOTIVATION” to me, hater.
By the way, you are a berry berry bad man!
And oh yeah, one cop asked me if I know the names of any major dealers. Dude… who the heck do I look like… one of the Sopranos? That’s like asking a Chess Club member if he knows where the next rainbow party is being held. Get real, bro! I’m a DWEEB! I can, however, tell you where the next Star Trek convention will be! You wanna go with me (nipple rub, nipple rub), hot stuff?
J/K J/K J/K
By the way, if it weren’t for the upcoming angry black preacher web redemption, I SO would never watch Tosh.O again because I’m STILL having nightmares from watching him rub Carrot Top’s FAT (and I don’t mean P.H.A.T.) titties!
For our Father, or for Ourselves?
There was an interesting discussion about the forefathers on the Daily Show this week. Now look, I personally don't mind if the government adds to or deletes from the constitution, so long as the majority approves of the changes. However, many people don’t approve because they put too much stock on our forefathers, who by the way have been dead for 200 years.
Don’t get me wrong. I genuinely appreciate all the forefathers did and may God bless them 1000x over, but are we going to spend the next 2000 years worshipping their words like Christians do the supposed words of Jesus? I mean come on, man. I love the forefathers for their contributions, but it’s 2010 and we as people need to think for ourselves, as the context has changed in that things aren’t the same anymore!
I agree that we should heed the forefather’s words, but I also feel that we shouldn’t assume everything they said to be perfect. Quite frankly, they were humans just like us!
Unfortunately, for some people it’s as if they’re trying to make up for having a deadbeat daddy. “DADDY! DADDY!” exclaimed Palin to the picture of George Washington. He’s not your Dad, dumbass!
It’s 187 on an Undercover Squirrel
Every time I let my dog out, she scouts the area. It’s so funny to watch her slowly patrol the ‘block’ for suspicious activity, as if anything notable is even happening. But every time she lays her eyes on a squirrel or rabbit, she goes chasing them at lightening speed. Thankfully she never catches them, because she’d likely kill ‘em. And well, if that happened… I’d have no other choice but to turn her in.
Hoist the anchor, Matey!
Speaking of constitutional amendments, I don’t know yet whether I am for or against removing the 14th amendment. On one hand, I don’t want children to be punished for their parents’ sins. On the other hand, it concerns me that hundreds of thousands of children are being born in the US each year from illegal parents.
Someone suggested a fascinating idea. They said let the kids stay, but force the parents out. I kind of like this simply because the illegal parents wouldn’t be able to rely on their children for an easy path to citizenship anymore. Therefore they’d lose their ‘anchor’ and with it the motivation to procreate on our soil.
Either way, it’s such a tragic and unfortunate situation. I truly do sympathize with these people—and if you don’t, then perhaps you should have watched PrimeTime: Would What You Do tonight—but there’s only so much room in the United States. And the bottom line is that illegal immigration hurts our bottom line, and I don’t mean from just a financial standpoint.
Anyway, I got a lot of slack on the streets this week due to my stance on illegal immigration, but I’m not backing down. I got cousins in India who live in slums so dirty that cow dung lines the streets, homeless beggars crowd the alleyways begging for change, and little 13-year-old girls work 16 hour shifts just to help support their families.
Yet instead of trying to sneak off to another country, my family members take pride in their heritage and try their hardest to not only support their families, but also push their country forward toward a better day and future. Now THAT I respect! FYI, The only reason I’m in America is because my father was offered a lucrative job by a top-notch American university. He didn’t bullshit his way here; HE EARNED IT!
By the way, I don’t tolerate treating an illegal alien wrong, as they are human beings too, but I also don’t tolerate illegal immigration. So if you suspect that someone is an illegal, feel free to call the police, but don’t start insulting them and acting like a buffoon. Because if you fall to that level, then I can’t respect you either!
What is American Culture?
Someone complained that Muslims are refusing to adapt to American culture. Excuse me, but how the bloody hell do you define American culture? Is it represented by the hicks, the Goths, the cowboys, the hip-hoppers, the hipsters, or the jocks?
My point is that America isn’t a high school. It’s a large nation, and though there is a ‘mainstream culture,’ there are 1000s of sub-cultures thriving here as well—including Hindu culture, Japanese culture, gay culture, handicapped culture, short-people culture (YAY TO DWARVES), and even old-white-man culture (country clubs).
And among all these cultures lies Islamic culture. So I don’t appreciate the bullshit about Muslims not being American enough, because they have just as much right to their own culture as any other American.
You know, while these people sit here complaining about grown-ass women covering up their heads, I sit here contemplating why some members of our youth choose to wear their pants so low as to show their butt-cracks.
While they sit here complaining about Muslims building mosques to worship in, I sit here contemplating why our youth are killing each other off like crazed rats.
And while they sit here burning Qurans, I sit here contemplating what we can do to better our country.
Excuse the comedy, but the stupidity these people display is akin to a child throwing a hissy-fit over something as retarded as this:
Save Me, Christians!
I'm agnostic, which means I can tolerate Christians. But the ridiculous hypocrisy being spouted by some Christians over gay rights and Muslims has got me swinging more and more toward atheism. Have mercy because the day I wake up to discover I'm an atheist hippy stuck at Burning Man is the day I commit suicide! Dear Christians... please don't let that happen to me! SAVE ME!
Anyway, I wish people would focus more on following the 10 or so commandments than all the other bullshit. Let’s take a quick look at them.
ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'
Uhh… let’s skip this one.
TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'
Uhh… let’s skip this one too.
THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'
Jesus fricken Christ! Let’s skip this one too!
FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'
Assuming Sabbath to be Friday and Saturday, I say RIGHT ON!
FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother.'
Unless they’re abusive, in which case I recommend calling child services.
SIX: 'You shall not murder.'
Except in self-defense, because it’s better to murder and keep your ass alive, then be murdered and end up the guardian angel of the guy who just got sent to prison for killing you. Spending the first 50 or so years of your life in heaven in a prison cell just isn’t cool, dude!
SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'
Unless your spouse cheated on you first, in which case you owe it to them.
EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.'
Unless you’re a corrupt politician, in which case it’s okay.
NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'
COUGH Ahem COUGH Ahem
TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'
Why you gotta hate on donkey love?
I’m sorry. I should not have included this in my post, but I’m tipsy and well… my point was to try to focus on core values like don’t steal or drive drunk, but as I went down the list of commandments, I kept coming up with exceptions.
I guess the only commandment I can think for which there are no exceptions is:
Love One Another
--
That’s it, folks. It would have probably been longer, but I lost a LOT OF TIME today dealing with some other issues that popped up out of nowhere. Regardless, I’m off to get drunk and have a great evening, despite the haters! And oh yeah, THANK GOD for tinfoil!
No comments:
Post a Comment