Anyway. This has been a roller-coaster week chockfull of thunderstorms, ups/downs and, of course, a really loud, obnoxious and annoying woman who shall remain unnamed. *cackle cackle cackle* Enough with the bull; let’s get down to bidnez.
Just to let you know though, this post isn’t going to be all that funny. I’m just not feeling it today.
Too Many People, Too Little Space
As I’ve made clear in the past, I sympathize with the plight of illegal immigrants. Nevertheless, I stand firmly against illegal immigration because it’s not a viable option. Let me explain.
Over 6.5 billion people populate the Earth. According to the World Bank, 1.4 billion of them live at or below the poverty line. That makes them, shall we say, people who’d likely give anything for a chance at the American dream, correct?
The problem is that we don’t have enough resources to accommodate them. Though our country houses only 4% of the world population, we still suffer from an abundance of problems—unemployment, homelessness, debt galore and much more.
If we were to let them all parade through our borders, we’d be in a heap of trouble. Unemployment and homelessness would skyrocket, crime would escalate and our great country would fall to its knees in shambles. So though America is a ‘melting pot’ that in theory welcomes everybody, I ultimately must vote against illegals because I’m not too keen on seeing my beloved nation crippled.
Don’t get me wrong. I sincerely do sympathize with their struggle—but it is on them to do things the right way. I realize the process of legal immigration is a pain in the ass, but there’s a reason for this.
Now look, most of us would love to be handed a first-rate job at the company of our dreams. But life doesn’t function that way. First we must put in 10, 20 or more years of hard work before we’ll even be considered—kind of like when Robert Barone applied to the F.B.I. after being a police officer for over 20 years. The truth is that it’s very tough to obtain a great position, but the system has been setup this way to ensure that only qualified applicants earn them. The last thing a powerhouse organization wants is to foster mediocracy.
By the same token, we cannot just accept anyone into our midst. Potential immigrants must prove themselves worthy by taking the time to go through the rigorous process of legal immigration. Once they’ve done that and been approved, then all I have to say to them is ‘WELCOME TO AMERICA!’ Until then, however, they’re not welcome here. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is.
You know, I got cousins in India who’d love to come here. But guess what… they have to do it the hard way! One or two have managed to make it, but the rest are still struggling—especially the youngest of the crew. He’s still got a ways to go, but he’ll get here eventually in due time.
Trigger-Happy Border Defense
It’s important that we don’t become too trigger happy about defending our borders, though. This week Lebanese snipers opened fire on Israeli military personnel who were merely cutting a tree near the Lebanese border. A total of three lives were lost because of this totally unnecessary skirmish.
The sad thing is that all this Middle-East violence once again comes back to people shooting one another to defend their ‘Holy’ land. Talk about making your God proud. “I appreciate the frags,” said God. (rolling eyes) Unfortunately, people can’t respawn in real life!
Announcing the Union of Harry Cox and Harry Bottoms
I don’t understand why gay marriage is such an issue. This whole ‘sanctity of marriage’ crap is just that… crap! Kramer said it right when he proclaimed that marriage is a man-made prison. And if you voluntarily choose to enter a prison, then that’s on you, playa!
But if you’re down with it, then gon’ get yours, and I mean that with a Zorro snap in Z formation. Personally I don’t see the benefits of balls and chains (the irony being that in this case it’s literal, as gay folk are hella freaky!), but hey… do you!
But here’s an idea for the haters. How about we divide marriage into two separate acts: government-based and church-based. As it currently stands, marriage requires both a church ceremony and the filing of official government papers, correct? Well, how about we make the filing of papers necessary, but the church ceremony optional?
You know, marriage is at its base “a social union or legal contract between individuals that creates kinship.” There is no mention whatsoever of religion. Therefore the religious arguments against same-sex marriage are bull because the act of marriage is entirely secular. So if you don’t want gay Bob and ultra-gay Larry (aka Lolita) marrying in your church, talk to your pastor—and leave the judicial system out of it!
Dialogue versus Glitter and Flamboyance
Law and Order has changed over the years. Though the main series kind of maintained its core essence until the end, I feel as if SVU and Criminal Intent have both lost touch with their roots. Over the years they started to trade in strong dialogue for glittery scenes and flamboyant stories. I could be incorrect, as it’s been 6 months since I’ve seen an episode, but I’m pretty sure I remember shaking my head in disappointment at least once last Spring.
This week I got a chance to watch a few episodes of the ORIGINAL Law and Order dating back to the early 90s. I was impressed by their focus on strong dialogue and interesting cases. The episodes were simple and to the point, yet strong and memorable. I sincerely believe Dick Wolf needs to return back to these roots.
He has the opportunity do exactly that with his upcoming show, Law and Order: LA, but I’m afraid that it’s going to end up being a piece of crap. My fear is that Wolf will rely on sunny LA background scenes and totally unreal—and perhaps even outright ridiculous—plots to make the show popular. I just hope he makes the right decision!
You Have to Crawl before You Walk
Speaking of Dick Wolf, here is a great quote from him.
“I've never understood the obsession with younger writers and dramas. Comedies I understand, but how do you write drama at 23; you haven't experienced anything. You know about 23-year-olds. It's kind of hard to write about 60 year old EADAs [Executive Assistant District Attorneys]. Only a couple of us are 60 years old so far, but there are not many 23-year-olds who can write about life-changing situations unless it's medical. That sounds weird, but there's not the mileage on the odometer to get under the surface. There are exceptions that prove the rule—Dickens wasn't bad at 23.”
I agree entirely. Except for geniuses, most of us have to put in years of work to earn the skill-set necessary to achieve our goals. But each year of hard work that we put in brings with it new revelations that change both how we function and the way in which we perceive life. It’s the process of going from crawling like a baby to walking like an adult.
During my late teens and early adult years, I performed every chore imaginable—I scrubbed toilets, emptied restroom tampon trays, washed dishes, bussed tables, sat customers, made burgers, restocked condiments, swept & mopped floors and much more.
Now that I’m older, I can’t imagine ever doing these things again. The education and knowledge I’ve acquired has given me the skill-set necessary to pursue more difficult tasks like data entry, freelance writing and voice transcription. And soon I hope to climb yet another notch up the ladder of success by familiarizing myself with copywriting, affiliate marketing and ecommerce—and then spending 5 or more years mastering them (not in the sense of becoming an expert, but in the sense of becoming an intermediate professional).
My hope is that young kids or legal immigrants who need a stepping-stone toward a better future can fill those jobs I don’t do anymore. Work, build discipline, save money, get educated and then enter the career world. It’s a painstaking process, but it’s worth it—and more importantly, it’s mandatory.
Because when you try to do something that you’re not well equipped to handle, bad things can happen. Kind of like this….
That’s the last time I hire an unqualified contractor!
Mama Grizzly Don’t Take No Shit
This week Palin went on a spiel about how conservative ‘Mama Grizzlies’ are banding together to “get things done for our country.” Now look, I got to give credit to Palin for being a motherly ‘grizzly bear,’ but the problem is that she’s one of those ‘Mama bears’ known to accidentally roll over and smother her young—you know, like when she gets distracted by bears on unicycles riding by.
Wee-Wees and Hoo-Hoos
There’s more to life than just love and relationships! Some people are seriously obsessed with wee-wees and hoo-hoos. I have a big wee-wee and I wouldn’t mind sticking it in a small hoo-hoo, but I have plenty of other hobbies and interests to make me go WHOO-HOO!
As a young man, I’d rather focus on advancing my career, staying in touch with national and international news and participating in community activities like cookouts and strip-club charities. I just don’t have time to play the ‘hookup game.’ My belief is that there’s a right woman out there for me and one day I’ll meet her. In the meantime, I’m taking it easy.
Reason I say this is because I take a lot of slack for not proactively searching for love and sex. I’m cautious, mayne! Point blank, I don't date hoes! Don't matter if you a Navajo or you from Idaho, if you a hoe, you gotsta go, yo!
Such racial unity! It’s beautiful!
250 Roses for an Hour
There’s a big debate raging over Craigslist’s adult sections. I’m against sex trafficking, but I think there’s a huge difference between being forced to sell one’s body—and voluntarily choosing to offer oneself for a price. Not to mention that prostitution is one of the oldest professions. Plus if you ban it on Craigslist, they’ll merely filter their way back onto the streets.
If the government would just legalize prostitution and create some sort of legitimate and safe network—one that would require ‘hoes’ to verify their identities, for instance, to prevent children and other victims from being abused—things would be a lot better off.
The bottom line is that prostitution will never go away. There are far too many lonely people out there who want nothing else but to just but a quick nut.
I’m a Whore
Speaking of prostitutes, someone asked if I’d ever work for Fox. Shit… for the right salary I’d iron Glenn Beck’s pants, shine his shoes and give him a massage—all white singing “Wade in the Water” and praising my ‘white massah.’ Hey man, it’s not my actions that count; it’s what’s in my heart and, more importantly, what’s in my got-dayum wallet! See, I already know how to speak like them! (this is just a joke c/p’d from the Daily Show facebook page; I like to spread my jokes all over the place!)
I’m Down with the Rev
There was a discussion about Reverend Al Sharpton on the Baisden facebook page this week. Here’s my input.
I don't mind a man who stands up for his people; there's nothing wrong with that. That's like a blind man standing up for other blind men, or a short man standing up for all short people. I don't always agree with the Rev, but I do have an underlying respect for him and his cause. He's a very serious and very committed man and I can't help but respect that. If more of us wiped away the giggles and went after righteousness like he does—with so much conviction—I imagine this might be a better world.
However, I understand why many people despise him. Sharpton often fails to realize that the pursuit for equality is a multi-cultural, multi-gender, multi-religious and even multi-sexual struggle that’s growing in size every year—as more people become fed up and join the cause for righteousness. And by ignoring the plights of others, Sharpton is merely alienating himself and his ideology. It’s unfortunate because I truly do believe he’s a good man hidden beneath a really really bad hairdo.
My Dog is a Stalker
My dog is a fricken stalker. She’ll literally chase after anyone with a dog. It’s quite irritating, as it puts me in an uncomfortable situation where I must first apologize for her behavior, and then awkwardly make my departure. The irony is that she tends to only chase after hot women. And I got to tell you, my sweet little baby got some really good taste! It does make me wonder though whether she’s a lesbian. I hope so, because then we could be lesbian bffs. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Schnauzer, scoundrel, lesbians incorporated!”
And no, my dog is NOT a schnauzer, but it fit well with the song lyrics for Laverne and Shirley!
FYI, the original lyrics go like this:
“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.”
That’s a pathetically put-together pic, but graphics are not my forte.
Rolling in Doo-Doo
This week I caught my dog rolling in poop. Sighs. You know, cats may be lazy, good-for-nothing tricksters, but at least they don’t revel in feces!
Speaking of nastiness, I hate being licked by my dog. Hell, I hate being licked period—even by women. What’s worse is that my dog likes to lick her butt, and then lick my hand. Excuse me, but I don’t feel like have anal residue all over my fricken hand!
Other than that, this was an up and down week with us. I got so mad at her a few days ago that I called Animal Control. She just irritates me to no end sometimes. And as I have Asperger’s Syndrome, I’m very sensitive to things like people or dogs sighing. My last roommate would SIGH real loudly from his room, as if to indicate I need to lower the television volume—though it was already low enough! It would seriously piss me off sooooo fricken much!
And well, the dog’s sighing does the same thing to me. What pisses me off the most is when she sighs while I’m having a good time. I’ll be laughing at Jon Stewart when she suddenly bellows out a huge sigh. It makes me suddenly go from laughing to being pissed off. Like…. EXCUSE ME FOR TAKING A MOMENT TO LAUGH AND ENJOY MY LIFE! SORRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYY. Fricken bitch!
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PS #1 – No I did not watch Bill O’Reilly this week. To be honest, I don’t even know what the heck time he’s on!
PS #2 – As you can tell, my posts are on a downward spiral. I’m still spitting fire, but not as hot fire. Regardless, I stand by this post.
PS #3 – I’ve been trying to toilet train my dog and, well, now my dick itches. Is it possible to catch gonorrhea from a dog? No, I’m just fucking around because I’m stupid like that.
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