In lieu of my regular blog, today I'd like to present to you the top 10 ways to keep fear alive and well in America!
BWAHAHHAHA
#10. Chase after trick-or-treaters while wearing an African voodoo mask, wielding a running chainsaw, and screaming, “Don’t you want to learn about Santeria?!”
#9. Rent a bulldozer, park it outside a homeless shelter, and wait until for it to start getting dark. When homeless people start showing up and asking what’s going on, tell them that Johnny Knoxville is planning to tear down the shelter tomorrow as part of a sketch for Jackass 3D 2.0.
#8. Pick ten white people in your neighborhood, write down their address, and find out where they work. Then send each of them a professional-looking letter that reads, “Sorry, but your job has been outsourced to India.”
#7. Get a job as a secretary at a computer firm that hires a lot of Indians, and find out each employee’s hometown. Then send out a mass emergency company-wide memo that states, “An earthquake measuring 10.0 on the Richter scale just hit India.” Make sure to include a list of all the cities that were hit, and include the employees’ hometowns in it.
#6. Hire a midget and dress him up as the kid from ‘The Grudge.’ Then find an Asian frat party, locate an uncovered window, and have the midget stand outside it while you hold a cat upside down for the associated sound effects.
#5. Kidnap a black woman, tie her in a chair, and use a bullhorn to scream obscenities at her for five minutes straight. Then in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson, ask, “How does it feel, you loud-ass motherfucker!?”
#4. Find a gay guy and break into his home at night while dressed as Satan. Sneak into his bedroom, setup a fog machine and disco lights, and then yell, “I AM SATAN! WELCOME TO HELL, QUEER!”
#3. Gather up a group of friends, dress up as immigration enforcement agents, find a random Hispanic family, and knock on their door. When they open it, barge into their home and scream, “WE’RE HERE TO TAKE YOU BACK TO MEXICO!”
#2. Pop into a 7/11 while wearing a shirt that features an armed man saying, “Jihad This, Motherfucker!” Then approach the Muslim cashier and rudely ask for directions to the nearest gun shop. And right before you step out the door, calmly say, “I’ll be back!”
And finally…
#1. Dress up as Barack Obama’s and Nancy Pelosi’s hideously mutated, socialist Marxist Commi Obamacare-loving son, aka the ANTICHRIST! Then go trick-or-treating.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Lol. I hope you guys enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed coming up with it. ;-)
And on behalf of all nerds, geeks, dorks, and weirdos in America, I want to wish everyone a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
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