So today the big topic on my mind is bullying. But I’m not interested in trying to procure a solution for it. There are millions of other people out there already trying to do that. Instead I’m going to reveal a few of my own experiences with bullying. As an autistic Asian male who “acts black,” I literally have a book’s worth of material I could share, so what you’re about to read is essentially an ultra-condensed version pertaining to a tiny few, but certainly not all, instances of bullying in my life.
Hopefully you enjoy it and maybe even learn something from it. If nothing else, it’ll serve as a great opportunity for me to practice my autobiography-writing skills!
The University of Torment
In my prepubescent years I was never teased or bullied because my peers felt sorry for me, though they felt no remorse about bullying the fat kid, the gay kid, or the nerdy kid. Suffice it to say, I was so retarded—and no, I’m not going to cover the precise details concerning my retarded behavior, as that itself could fill an entire book chapter—that I was the ‘special’ one. Mind you it helped that I was also exceptionally bright and known to produce straight-A work.
College however was an entirely different experience. The scars I acquired at the university level still throb with so much pain that I would never, under any circumstance, consider returning to college for further education. I’d rather risk barely surviving for the rest of my life as an amateur freelance writer than place myself in that environment. Instead of helping me find myself and perfect my skills, college only served to destroy my self-esteem, convince me that direct exposure to society is bad, and inspire my gradual descent into a maze of ‘purple haze.’
From the very beginning I was the oddball. It didn’t help that I was at the time discovering my ‘hiphop identity.’ Since I spent the majority of my prepubescent years wearing the outfits that my Mom purchased, my college years gave me an opportunity to develop my own style. Quite frankly, the Ambercrombie shirts, tanned shorts, and worn-out flipflops worn by all my Asian and Caucasian peers never really suited me. So I tried a myriad of different outfits and looks—doorags, bandanas, headbands, wristbands, extra-long shorts, G-Unit & Eminem apparel, etc. I’d look at myself in the mirror with pride, thinking, “I’m a pretty stylish guy.” But my peers felt quite differently.
Many remarked that I was trying to be black. An uppity black girl standing literally right behind me once exclaimed, “What a loser. He thinks he’s from the ghetto!” And then on another occasion, while merely strolling to my next class, an Ambercrombie-adorned Caucasian male murmured to his friend, “The weirdo thinks he’s cool.” By the way, that day I was wearing a clean and shiny Eminem outfit that I had spent over an hour ironing and creasing to perfection. And then one time while walking by a group of Indian males, I heard them start laughing and talking about the ‘shame of India.’ I admit what they said is kind of funny, but it certainly didn’t seem funny at the time.
My social skills were especially poor during this time in my life. It had only been five years since I had been diagnosed with A.S. and prescribed medication to pacify my anxieties—so that I could finally verbally communicate with my peers. Prior to diagnosis, I would just stare down at my desk throughout class and never once look up or speak, except to acknowledge the teacher of course. During the first ten years after diagnosis, my eyes would constantly dart from one person to another—and sadly, I still sometimes suffer from this inappropriate habit. While sitting in an English class, I once heard an Indian boy ask the Caucasian girl next to him, “Why does he look around at everybody?” She replied, “Because he’s an asshole.” That hurt.
It was also around this time that I began exploring my writing ability. Sometime in 2004 I logged into the University bulletin board and wrote a long spiel introducing myself. I was immediately taunted, teased, and insulted. And since back then I lacked the calm and collective nature I now possess, I immediately struck back at the bullies with my own vicious words. But they struck back even harder, and the cycle continued—with more and more people siding against me every single day. It felt like the whole world hated me. No matter how hard I tried, my every attempt to express myself was demonized.
The most painful experience occurred while on the bus riding through campus. There was a young physically and mentally handicapped girl onboard named Morgan. Throughout highschool and during my brief tenure at McDonalds, everybody had always teased her and treated her like pure shit because she was ‘annoying.’ I was literally one of the only ones who showed her respect and kindness. I would even walk her home from McDonalds. Upon sighting her on the bus that day, I switched to the seat behind her and began calling her name and tapping her shoulder—but she completely ignored me. Apparently, even she had turned against me.
I realize now that it’s partially my fault, as I should have responded more intelligently online. But on the other hand, I was a young autistic kid just trying to express himself. And after having been bullied for so long, I finally decided to strike back. And though my words were very harsh and destructive, you’d think at least one person would have seen through all the clouds of smoke—and recognized the pain I was experiencing. Sadly nobody saw it but me.
Unfortunately the ramifications of all that bullying still remain. I wear the simplest clothes to avoid being ridiculed. I’ve locked away all my flashy jewelry so I won’t get ridiculed. I purposefully avoid attending social events where I might be ridiculed. I never read the follow-ups to comments I post online because I’m afraid of being ridiculed. And I’m very suspicious of anyone who befriends me, lest I be ridiculed. Speaking of which, I’m having major doubts about attending the Rally to Restore Sanity because I don’t know whether it’s worth taking the risk of being ridiculed.
It’s funny because though I live in a free country, I sometimes feel anything but free. I suppose it’s all due to my own insecurities. Regardless, it’d be nice if I could go anywhere and do anything without constantly having to worry about being ridiculed or teased. Unfortunately, such a day will likely never arrive, which is exactly why I’d rather spend the rest of my days at home in solace and peace—where I’ve free to be exactly who I want to be!
Anyway. Again, please keep in mind what you just read was an ultra-condensed version of my past. There’s a whole lot more to it, but unless somebody ever pays me to write a book, it will remain forever locked away within me.
Speaking of bullying, wasup with all the Bieber hate!?
I appreciate a good joke, but perhaps the folks who put participated in this poll are taking the anti-Bieber movement just a tadddd bit too far! Personally I think Bieber is white because his parents are white…. but I could be wrong ;-).
”I am not a witch! I am you!”
You are not a witch, but you might be a dumb bitch. And you’re definitely not me. Speaking of which, this one is for you…. SQUIRT! j/k
Seriously though, I understand that Miss O'Donnell did and said some silly things in her past. Hell, I once took part in a séance while drunk and high off pills. The bottom line is that we’ve all made stupid mistakes. I do however as a liberal wish to apologize for constantly making her the butt of my jokes. It’s inappropriate and wrong, especially considering that it’s a form of bullying. Nevertheless, I want to assure everyone that my dislike for O'Donnell has nothing whatsoever to do with her past.
The one and only reason I’d never vote for O’Donnell is because I disagree with her views on abortion, equal rights, stem-cell research, taxes, energy, and healthcare. Personally I feel like she and her ilk represent a backwards, Bronze-Age thinking pattern that I refuse to accept. Just the other night I saw Glenn Beck speak about how he and crew are the shepherds here to tend ALL the flocks. All of them, you say? What about gays, American Muslims, the impoverished, and anybody else who's different from the status quo? Yeah, that's what I thought.
I Want to Be a Cyborg
The prospect of having electronic, mechanical, and robotic parts inserted into my body really excites me. Theoretically speaking, it would allow me to operate my body like a program.
Instead of having to get a haircut every month, I could insert a function that limits my hair growth to a certain constant, such as 1-inch. And instead of having to deal with useless and absolutely annoying nasal hairs, I could just completely switch off that function.
I could even regulate my sleep. Instead of having to turn over and over again throughout the night, not to mention be awakened every few hours, I could instead program my body to sleep for 8 hours straight. Maybe I could even setup a sensor to wake me up if it detects any unusual conditions like a change in temperature or a strange noise.
Some people complain though that such futuristic technology would be wrong because it would supposedly go against God and nature. No offense, but I think that’s ridiculous! On that basis, everything we take for granted is wrong—steam, electricity, pharmaceuticals, and even Cesarean births. In my opinion we cannot limit scientific exploration and growth just because it goes against the supposed ‘natural order’ of things.
Technically there really is no ‘natural order’—or at least not the one people perceive. The only thing natural is the basic patterns seen in subatomic behavior. Everything else is just a result of those transactions. Suffice it to say, I refuse to allow somebody’s religious beliefs to interfere with the progression of science. And that by the way is one of many reasons I’m a proud Liberal, though the following section may make many of you scratch your heads in bewilderment, lol.
I Got My Eye on You!
Many people are concerned that we’re slowly losing our civil liberties. They argue that allowing the government to monitor us will lead to a Big Brother state, but I think that’s preposterous. What they clearly forget is that we’re in a state of war. Quite frankly I don’t mind giving up some privacy for the sake of national security. The FBI is welcome to track my movements, listen in on my calls, and even watch me scrub my delectable ass in the shower. So long as they don’t make a fuss about me being an alcoholic pot-smoker, I don’t care because I have nothing to hide but the huge, nuclear rod radiating in my draws.
However, I hope the FBI has enough sense to only monitor real threats—such as the all the loony tune fanatics out there—versus innocent men and women who are merely different in some way or form.
Regardless, I refuse to join the Anti-Big-Brother Club. Things would have to get pretty bad for me to consider siding with them. I’m talking so bad that businesses and the government alike begin regulating genital hygiene.
Excuse me, but whether or not I choose to groom my paynis is none of your dayum business, Big Brother!
Order in the Court!
This week I was summoned to the Wake County Court to face charges of marijuana and paraphernalia possession. Since I’m a first-time NC offender, the judge—who I swear looks like Judge Ross with a mustache—merely assigned me court costs. Though I’m very grateful for the light sentence, I sure wish Governor Perdue would follow Governor Schwarzenegger’s lead and decriminalize marijuana possession. I don’t mind receiving a citation, but I do mind the prospect of being locked up for just smoking a harmless plant.
Anyway. Before I was called up to receive my sentence, I observed a young 16-year-old boy who smokes pot everyday be taken into custody for a minimum 10-day sentence. It was a sad site to behold, but it inspired me to write this letter to him and everyone else just like him.
Dear Stupid Ass,
Wasup, bruh bruh? So I heard you like to smoke the cheebah. Cool beans. I like to smoke the cheebah too. However, I’m a grown-ass man who works a full-time job, manages a rented home, takes care of a spoiled dog, and even wipes his own butt. You on the other hand are just a boy. And yes, I said it. If you don’t believe me, then ask your Father to name you a part of his body that’s bigger now than it was when he was 16!
Anyway, look man. I’m not going to tell you to not smoke weed or that it’s bad for you because hell, even I smoke it. But here’s the thing. You’re young and your mind is like a sponge. Do you know what happens when you abuse a sponge? Pieces of it slowly start breaking apart. And well, every time you smoke a blunt after school instead of doing your homework, a piece of your brain breaks off.
You know how they say old dogs can’t learn new tricks? It’s not that they can’t learn; it’s just that it’s a lot harder for them to learn. As you get older, your brain will also start to slow down—as will your capacity to quickly learn new concepts and ideas. Right now you’re at the peak of development. You have an opportunity to absorb so much knowledge, bruh. So why are you wasting time destroying your brain when you could instead be empowering it?
Check it out. I too used to smoke every single day. I started smoking the summer after 9th grade and continued doing it everyday for about three to four years. During that time my grades went from straight As to straight Fs, I was expelled from HS, I was reprimanded to a juvenile detention facility, and later on I even served a short sentence in an adult prison. All that happened to me because I chose to be a dope-smoking loser instead of doing what I was supposed to.
Bruh, do you want to be successful one day? Well, then I suggest you put down that blunt and redirect your energy toward studying your lessons. It’s been a bit over 10 years since I first picked up a joint, and I still haven’t caught up with my peers—many of whom now work professional jobs, own their own homes, and are even married. I’m one of the lucky ones though because at least I have 9+ years of education (not to mention a bit of college) on my side.
Like I said earlier, I’m not going to tell you to quit smoking weed. I think you should, but it’s your choice. But if nothing else, at least slow your roll, bruh bruh. Though I still smoke the ganja, I only do it on the weekends. Not only that, but I smoke only perhaps $10 worth of bud per month. It saves me money and, more importantly, it saves me mind and body. Every time I get drunk or smoke some bud, I’m picking apart a piece of my brain and body. That’s why I only do it in moderation.
Anyway. You can either get your act together and start focusing on the future, or you can head down the path I took. If you choose the latter, just do me a favor and never drop the soup. A scrawny little boy like you doesn’t stand much of a chance in the big boy’s tub. Got me?
So it’s your choice. Either you can be a somebody, or you can be a nobody… kind of like this Lady here.
Talk about really achieving something!
Wake County Voter Guide
Everybody should have received a 2010 Wake County Voter Guide in the mail this week. Please take the time to review it! Write down all the candidates’ names, and then conduct additional research through the Internet! Most importantly, make sure you get out there in November and VOTE!
Community Colleges versus Private Universities
This week Obama took a lot of heat for reaffirming his support for community colleges over private universities. I for one completely support his decision because I believe that a four-year education isn’t necessarily the optimal choice for everybody.
For one, I personally learned more while taking a class or two at my local community college than I did from the university I attended. Whereas the university focused more on imparting book knowledge, the college provided direct hands-on learning experiences. We were given a chance to take apart real computers, analyze how a real business-network functions, and speak with real network specialists.
Plus community colleges are obviously a whole lot cheaper. This makes them a great stepping-stone for students who want an education, but can’t yet afford a university’s ridiculous tuition. Perhaps they can obtain a two-year degree, work in the field for several years, and then pursue higher education at an accredited university.
In fact, I recommend that every student majoring in the arts, business, or computer technology consider acquiring some formal business experience before pursuing higher education. At the university level I had difficulty bridging the gap between what I was learning and the real world. I was overwhelmed with all sorts of strange concepts like requirements planning, data modeling, and database management systems—but quite frankly they made very little sense to me.
If I had first worked at a company that dealt with such concepts, I imagine that my ability to comprehend the topics would have been much better. Unfortunately my interest in computer technology gradually kept declining, until I gave up on it altogether. I wouldn’t mind pursuing a degree in Journalism—what with the fact that I have had 5+ years of freelance writing experience—but as I previously stated, I’d never do it. Not only would the experience probably be painful, but my chances of making it as a journalist—a career that requires tremendous social skills and the ability to build contacts—is non-existent. But I digress.
Anyway. Don’t get me wrong. A university is and will likely always remain the best option for a full-fledged education. Four or more years of education combined with internships are all that’s needed to excel in the real world. My point however is that some students can’t afford it, some students aren’t ready for it, and some students quite frankly just aren’t built for it (yours truly).
White People Music
I have a bad habit of categorizing music as either ‘white people’ or ‘black people’ music. It’s wrong and stupid, but I clearly still have a slew of unresolved mental issues that I need to handle. Regardless, I generally prefer ‘black people’ music—r&b, hiphop, funk, etc—because it puts me in a good mood. But I wasn’t always like this.
When I was younger I quite fancied artists like Weezer, Hootie and the Blowfish (I know he’s black, lol), and even R.E.M. But those days are in the past. Nowadays I hate this sort of ‘white people’ music because it makes me nostalgic for something I’ve never even had. It makes me think about what it’d be like to have attended the prom, to go skinny dipping with my girlfriend, to go camping with my friends, or even what it’d be like just to have warmhearted, quality friends to spend time with.
One thing about hiphop is that it never makes me sad. It pumps up my adrenaline, gets me shaking my derrière, and makes me happy. And that’s why I love it.
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Alrighty. Sorry for making this so long, but I had a lot of things to say. Let’s finish up with my usual dose of PS(s).
PS #1. Some jackass who appeared on the Stephen Colbert show argued this week that marijuana shouldn’t be legalized because kids would start using it. Look here chubbs… either they’re going to eat glue or smoke marijuana. My question to you is: Which, Sir, is more natural? Mmm hmmm… that’s what I thought!
PS #2. This week some jerkoff named ‘Avatar2’ argued that all American Muslims should have to apologize for the actions committed by terrorists. Here’s my response:
Since you like to judge many on the actions of a few, I hereby demand an apology from you for that guy with the 'I Love Avatar' shirt whom I saw take a pee in the corner of a garage earlier today. It stank in there and I BLAME YOU, Sir or Madam, as well as any other putrid, no-urine-ethics-having Avatar fan. I want my apology, AND I WANT IT NOW!
PS #3. Mr. Michael Baisden hosts a weekly event known as ‘Bra-less Thursday.’ Its purpose is to inspire women to take off their bras, as wearing a tight bra for an extended period of time can increase the risk of breast cancer. But in all fairness and with all due respect, since women are allowed to remove their bras, may I therefore remove my draws? I’m just saying… I’ve been squatting and my legs have been getting bigger, and well, let’s just say I'm feeling a bit claustrophobic in these tight draws!
PS #4. Some guy was arguing how science is crap and religion is the only truth. Sighs. I’m sorry to all the religious folks out there, but as an agnostic male, I MUST reply in kind:
Religion is based on a single antiquated book, whereas science is based on tens of thousands of experiments that have been performed over the centuries. Quite frankly I have more faith in String Theory than I will ever have in a longhaired white dude who is so righteous he doesn't smoke pot. Longhaired white dudes ALWAYS smoke pot!
PS #5. – The perversion in America is really starting to get out of hand!
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