I’m going to go ahead and drop a blog tonight because the show must go on! After tonight and perhaps a movie review tomorrow, I’m going to sit back and let my hand heal as I snack on hydrocodone pills. I literally have enough to open up my own crackhouse! Keep in mind that this blog isn’t going to be all that great. I’m quite loopy from all this hydrocodone, and I’m not all that inspired. Plus typing is a real bitch right now.
Anyway. ON WITH THE SHOW!
Oh, My President...
I’m very disappointed with President Obama. I don’t mind him compromising with the republicans, but I do mind him making an unfair concession. Why is it that the rich are being afforded two additional years of tax cuts, while the unemployed must do with only 13 months of benefits? Perhaps it’s been too long since I’ve done basic arithmetic, but these numbers don’t seem to even out.
At this point, I’d rather that Obama let both the Bush-era tax cuts and unemployment benefits expire, than give in to the republicans. It would reduce the deficit and show the republicans that they can’t bully him into making unfair deals. I realize that it would put an incredible deal of pressure on the unemployed, but I’m sick and tired of the GOP and their tired "trickle-down economics" theory. It’s pure bullshit.
I realize having a full-time job with benefits and vacation is the ideal scenario for most struggling Americans. However, the current condition of our economy demands that the unemployed find new means to earn money and build wealth. Excuse me if this sounds ‘ghetto,’ but people need to learn how to hustle, or make money by any legal means necessary.
Hand out flyers offering to shovel snow or perform yard work; search online for contract positions as a freelance writer, telemarketer, or data entry specialist; or even join a multi-level marketing (MLM) group, if necessary. It’s a difficult lifestyle with no real security, but it’s our only option. Maybe I’m a bit confused right now by all this hydrocodone, but at the moment it seems like the only way we can save the economy is by learning to fend for ourselves, instead of relying on big corporations.
I truly don’t mind corporations in that I have no qualms about shopping at Walmart, eating at McDonalds, or watching and listening to corporate-sponsored entertainment (more on this later). However, until corporations and their many lobbyists decide to play fair, what choice do we as ordinary Americans have?
You don’t want to end up like this guy, do you?
That’s a shame.
Don’t Be a Jackass
This week the Daily Show had a great sketch about not being a jackass. It featured two genuinely bipartisan candidates who refused to run negative ads about each other. It was a really inspirational bit that served as a great reminder to me. I despise the whole GOP movement, but I try to make it a mission to never hate individual republicans. However, lately I’ve been failing at this.
The other day I grew so upset from reading the news, as well as all the associated comments from conservatives, that I jokingly wrote on Bill Maher's Facebook page that we should start a republican genocide. Though I ended the comment with an LOL, there was in fact no LOL in my heart at the time. (j/k....... or am I?)
It's just really hard to maintain my cool sometimes, man. It's like living in a frat house with a bunch of guys who believe in walking around naked. Wouldn't the constant sight and smell of dicks and assholes make you want to act like a jackass? Regardless, it’s my duty as a sane and rational American to control my bad tendencies, which is why I want to apologize to any and all republicans for anything overtly offensive that I may have recently written.
I Blame the Knuckleheads
I’m frustrated with Obama, but I still support him, and I still intend to vote for him in 2012. The people I blame the most for this whole tax fiasco are all the young and indifferent knuckleheads who didn’t vote in November. I especially can’t stand those who didn’t vote because “it’d be like voting for the lesser evil.”
Let’s suppose you had to choose between getting a prostate exam from either a 30-year-old married man, or a 65-year-old grandfather who everyone suspects is gay. Both choices suck, but wouldn’t it be wiser to opt for the 30-year-old, rather than risk getting violated by Grandpa StubbyFingers?
By the same token, how can someone possibly rationalize not voting? It’s because of these idiots, most of whom according to the Pew Research Center are liberal, that Obama is in this bind to begin with. The sad thing is that many Obama supporters are turning against him because of his decision to concede. I just hope this doesn’t cause the democrats to lose the 2012 elections!
Lizard Lick Towing & Southern Craziness
This week reruns of ‘Southern Fried Stings’ were replaced by a show called ‘All Worked Up.’ Featured on this show are the hardworking folks at Wake County’s own Lizard Lick Towing and Recovery, LLC. I was shocked to discover that this show features Raleigh natives. Even more surprising is that these folks are about to get their own TV show on truTV. Congratulations, folks, and thank you for making Raleigh proud!
Lizard Lick Towing is operated by Ron, a gargantuan man with arms, legs, and a gut like a panda bear. Second in command is his beautiful wife, Amy. That such a big and burly man was able to win the heart of such a gorgeous woman is shocking, but in a good way. It makes me wonder, though, whether I have this whole health thing backwards. Instead of trying to lose weight, perhaps I need to put on 100 or so pounds to snag me a beautiful Southern wifey. Mind you, as much as I find Southern women extremely attractive, my northern ass couldn’t handle one. She’d have me cooking dinner and serving her beer as she watched football!
Overall, I really enjoyed the show. It has had a bit of a negative side effect, though. After watching this show, I’m scared to death of southerners! Ya’ll are big, angry, and scary as all hell! I’ve never in my life seen such craziness. A 300-pound man stomping on cars, an angry grandmother chasing after people with brooms, and a skinny ass shit-talker walking around in short-shorts. He was like a real-life version of Lt. Jim Dangle!
The south is a very scary place, man. What I love about the south, though, is the down-to-Earth attitude, as well as the abundance of creative sayings like, “Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.” Right on!
The Power of Positive Encouragement
This week, a former Facebook friend of mine really hurt my feelings and offended me by insulting my blogs and my attempts at satire. I don’t mind that some people dislike my sense of humor, because comedy is a very subjective artform. Nor am I offended when someone with experience in professional writing or satire offers me some constructive criticism. However, this woman, who for the record has no experience whatsoever in either writing or comedy, went too far when she said that my writing sucks, and that I need to get a real job.
Thankfully, dozens of my real ‘Facebook friends’ popped up out of the woodwork to shower me with positive encouragement. They know that I’m just a struggling amateur with a dream. Plus they realize that the only way to achieve success is to keep trying and practicing. Failures are inevitable, but so is success, so long as you never give up.
I just want to take this moment to thank all of them for their kind words of support and encouragement. I really believe that if we as a people spent more time bringing each other up, instead of pushing each other down, this would be a much better world to live in!
Speaking of subjectivity, Stephen Colbert would say this is art.
But Steve Martin? Not so much…
Ted Turner
The other morning while patiently waiting to undergo surgery at 8:45 in the morning, I had my first-ever encounter with Mr. Ted Turner. He was at the time speaking on MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ news show. I found him to be quite intriguing, so I later decided to perform some research on him when I got home. And to be quite honest, I really liked what I discovered!
This guy is absolutely amazing. I love his liberal philosophy, I love his philanthropic nature, and I love his 70s porn-star look. The guy is absolutely amazing. Now this is a ‘billionaire’ I can respect!
I’m a Toys-R-Us Kid 4 Life
It seems like it’s impossible to brush off the stigma of being a kid. When I was in 7th grade, the HS kids looked at me as a kid. When I was in HS, the college kids looked at me as a kid. When I was in undergraduate school, the graduate students looked at me as a kid. When I was in my mid-20s, the early 30-year-olds looked at me as a kid. And now that I’m in my late 20s, the upper-30s+ crowd looks at me as a kid. Does it ever end?
I can just imagine one day, as a 70-year-old, signing up at a nursery home. “Look at that punk kid,” says the 100-year-old senior.
I guess I’m just meant to be a Toys-R-Us kid for life!
Mr. Mainstream
I’m a very mainstream person, in that I love mainstream television, mainstream music, and mainstream culture. Though I’m a bit offbeat in certain ways, I tend to for the most part stick with the mainstream.
One of my favorite music artists currently on the radio, for instance, is Drake. I admire him so much that I secretly refer to him as ‘Drake the God.’ When I look at him, I see a young, light-skinned brother like me. And when he sings about that “Slumdog Millionaire Bollywood flow,” it resonates very deeply with me.
Many people dislike Drake, Lil Wayne, Justin Bieber, Willow Smith, and other mainstream artists, however, because they’ve been commercialized. Drake didn’t just pop up out of nowhere. A record producer discovered him, and then packaged him into a ‘product’ that Americans would eat up like cake. And guess what… the strategy worked.
I realize, though, that many people despise this system of commercialization. However, they have the right to listen to something else. I say that if you don’t care for mainstream music, then you should just stick to underground music. I personally can’t stand underground music, so I stick chiefly with mainstream music.
To me, underground music lacks quality. The process of transforming from a nobody to a superstar means going through multiple levels of ‘quality assurance.’ This prevents any one of the tens of thousands of wannabe musicians from having their music invade the airways. It’s an unfair system, in some regards, but it’s designed like this to appeal to the masses.
Justin Bieber and Drake may not be the most talented singers in America, but the ‘Justin Bieber’ and ‘Drake’ packages work. Everyone is entitled to like or dislike whatever he or she wants. My point is simply that though many people whine and complain about mainstream music, it’s their fault and only theirs for wasting their time on something that’s not even relevant to them. If you’re not into mainstream culture, just shut up and look elsewhere!
That’s all I’m saying……..
At the end of the day, it’s all about different strokes for different folks!
President Obama Hosts Bipartisan Orgy at “White House of Love”
In celebration of his decision to extend the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and screw over middle America, President Barack Obama organized a bipartisan orgy that was held at the ‘White House of Love’ on Friday, December 11. Guests included the president, every republican politician in America, former president Bill Clinton, radio host Rush Limbaugh, conservative commentators Anne Coulter and Michelle Malkin, New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, and, of course, Professor Stephen Hawking.
According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, the bipartisan bash was designed to give everyone who helped bring tax cuts for the rich to fruition a chance to soak his or her royal oats. It comes just nine months after the first bipartisan orgy, which occurred right after the healthcare bill was passed.
“I wasn’t too happy about this one,” said Gibbs. “The first orgy featured beautiful ladies like Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi.”
“This time we were stuck with Anne Coulter and Michelle Malkin. Being with Coulter felt like making love to a mop, while getting head from Malkin made me reminisce about this one time several years ago when I was visiting Mumbai, and I stuck my dick through a rusty, pee-stained glory hole. It was unpleasant back then, and it was even more unpleasant this time around.”
However, not everyone had a lousy time. The White House maids reported seeing former president Bill Clinton take a body shot off Michelle Malkin’s stomach. He was later seen outside, telling reporters, “I did not have a body shot with that yellow woman!”
Also in attendance was New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, who, when questioned about his recent Congressional censure, replied, “I know in my heart I am not going to be judged by this Congress. I’ll be judged by the size of my black penis.”
One of the most signature guests at the bipartisan orgy was professor Stephen Hawking. We found him slumped in his wheelchair, watching the festivities with gloomy eyes. When we questioned him, he expressed his frustration with the lack of females at the gala.
“I’m retarded, not gay,” he said. “The entire White House is full of republican men right now. It’s like a bunch of dicks and assholes walking around showing off their dicks and assholes.”
We managed to finally cheer him up by paying one of the maids to play with his joystick… and I don’t mean the one he uses to maneuver his wheelchair.
Surprisingly, the least happy guest at the affair was none other than Rush Limbaugh. Throughout the entire event, he kept complaining about the abundance of American Indian maids.
“They keep demanding reparations after having taught our children to smoke tobacco,” said Limbaugh, “and now they keep asking me to leave them a tip, even after they screwed up my order. I wanted my steak medium rare, not rare!”
Overall, it was a decent affair. Men fucked women. Men fucked men. And Rush Limbaugh got too drunk and accidentally fucked an American Indian woman. She’s now pregnant.
Oh well… all is well that ends well!
F.I.N.
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That’s it for tonight. I know it wasn’t very good, but I’m rather out of it right now. To be honest, this whole blog sucks ass, but at least I tried my best. That’s all I can really do. I hope to do better next week!
PS #1. I’m loving all the holiday lights across Raleigh! I wish my family had been into going all out for the holidays, but they liked to keep it simple. I dream of a day faraway in the future when my kids and I spend an entire afternoon buying decorations and then putting them up. I don’t know if that day will ever come, but I sure hope it does.
PS #2. What the hell is up with the weather in Raleigh? I feel like I’m in Indiana! This cold weather just won’t let up! I truly am FED UP with it!
PS #3. If you’re interested in furthering your education, think about taking courses at Wake Tech. I just got a copy of their Spring catalog today. They’re offering courses in bionetworking, construction, computers, hospitality, plumbing, and much more! Learn some skills, get good at it, and then advertise your services!
PS #4. I probably won’t be back tonight because my hand seriously hurts. Actually, I’ll be back at least once. I want to show ya’ll something. And oh... I haven't managed to quit smoking. I've lowered it a bit, but it's just so hard! SO SO HARD!
PS #5. Since I’ve been going off on republicans, I figured I’d even it out my taking a jab at Obama. So here is my jab. Enjoy.
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