Happy Holidays, Raleigh! I’ve been quite very busy today spending time with my parents, so this will be a relatively brief post yet again. I hope all of you are having as wonderful a time as my dog and I are having. She’s getting a year’s worth of attention, while I’m eating on a year’s worth of grub. My mom is bent on stuffing me like a turkey, lol.
Anyway. Let’s make this quick…
Raleigh, STAND UP!
Ladies and gentlemen, I have some very exciting news. Local rap sensation Troop 41 has officially been signed to Universal Republic Records, which is the same label responsible for artists like India Arie, Godsmack, Amy Winehouse, Enrique Iglesias, and even Seth MacFarlane.
To these young men with a dream, all I want to say CONGARATULATONS! Not only have you managed to beat all the odds, but you’ve also made Raleigh extremely proud. In addition, you’ve proven that dreams really can come true. I don’t want to be a rapper, but I hope to follow in your footsteps one day by getting ‘discovered’ by someone who sees talent in me. I never thought it was possible, but after witnessing your success, I now know that anything is possible! Well done, gentlemen! God Bless and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The Best of Both Worlds
A guy on CNN made the following suggestion:
“What is needed is a fiscally conservative and socially liberal state. Imagine paying low taxes and not giving a crap if the 2 gay guys down the street got married. That is paradise.”
Wow. That sounds like a terrific idea. Mind you it’s very simplistic, as it doesn’t take such factors as universal healthcare and social welfare into consideration, but I like its premise—spend wisely and let people be free. Mind you, what do low taxes have to do with fiscal conservatism!?
”We Takin’ Over!”
Rapidly increasing minority population levels has some folks on edge. “It will be fun to see minorities [one day] take it out on the present majority, won’t it?” asked one goofy lass. Lol.
Look, as an Asian immigrant, my only hope is to see the bigots, fanatics, and fear-mongering nuts of every race and religion crushed like little bugs. Everybody else is cool with me. I imagine most immigrants and minorities also feel the same.
Plus at the end of the day, we're all supposed to be Americas. Unfortunately, there’s a tad bit too much persecution, hatred, and intolerance for all that right now, but things will change… and hopefully they’ll change sooner rather than later!
Respect Mother Nature
The whole global warming debate gets on my nerves. I personally subscribe to the theory, but I don’t expect others to necessarily believe it as well. All I ask is that people show just a tad bit of respect to Mother Nature. That doesn’t mean I expect them to recycle, carpool, or participate on Earth Day. I would appreciate it, however, if they’d stop acting like assholes on Earth Day.
You’d be surprised at how many nuts celebrate Earth Day by purposefully turning on all their lights, appliances, and electronics. Yes, there are people out there who hate ‘tree huggers’ so much that they counter every positive ‘green’ action with an equally negative and environmentally un-friendly act.
The irony is they do this because they genuinely believe human activity has no effect whatsoever on the Earth, which I think is absolutely preposterous. I have no intention of turning off my electricity, giving up on trash bags, or taking 5-minute showers, but I’m not going to sit here and deny the effect my actions have on the Earth. Nor am I going to intentionally flick off the Earth by over-using resources. If anything, I try and do a few things here and there to be a bit greener, such as recycle, limit my showers to 15 minutes, and let my dog fertilize the ground with her poop.
I guess I just wish people would stop arguing over global warming, and instead focus on ways to make this a better planet… but it’s as if doing that means selling out humanity. God forbid we as a species admit that we’re selfish creatures who are damaging the planet.
Para Bailar La OBAMBA!
I’m very proud of President Obama. Though I’m not necessarily pleased with all of his decisions, I’m fairly content with his overall performance—especially considering how much he managed to get passed within just these past few weeks alone. DADT was repealed, the 9/11 Health Bill was passed, the START treaty was ratified, and even the Food Safety Act made it through. Well done, President Obama! Keep this up and you will definitely have my vote for the 2012 elections!
Generational Warfare
This week CNN ran a story about how the baby boomers are suffering. I was shocked and dismayed at the comments that ensued. A bunch of angry 20- and 30-year-olds started flinging insults at the elderly, and even accusing them for causing all of our current-day problems. Now look, I admittedly am not the biggest fan of senior citizens because many of them hold extremely conservative views that I dislike. Nevertheless, they are my elders, and so it is my duty to show them a certain degree of respect.
Plus I imagine that I can learn something from each and every one of them, including even those who hold beliefs counter to my own. There’s a certain degree of wisdom that living a long life gives a man or woman—the type of wisdom that cannot be obtained from merely reading a book.
Plus not all seniors are the same…
"Every generation has good points and bad points. People are individuals and do not fall into cookie-cutter designations."
That reminds me. Today I discovered that my Dad loves CNN as much as I do. He told me that he keeps a CNN window open on his office computer all the time. Then when I tried asking him whether he pays attention to the comments section, he quickly replied before I could even finish my question.
“I hate the bloody republicans,” he exclaimed. That I liked. But then he went on a 10-minute rant about how Americans are the dumbest people in the world. I didn’t care too much for that part, lol.
Freedom of Speech vs Super Duper Majority Rule
Some guy was arrested this week for writing a how-to manual for pedophiles. Now 1st amendment fanatics are proclaiming his arrest unjust on the basis that it violates his right to free speech. No offense, but I say fuck his free speech.
Let me ask you this. What percentage of the population do you think has a problem with people peacefully smoking marijuana at home? Now, what percent of the population do you think has a problem with someone who promotes child molestation and abuse? I imagine that at least 95% (if not more) of the population wouldn’t approve of the latter, which in my opinion is reason enough to not allow it.
There’s just no excuse for promoting child molestation. I realize that pedophiles are screwed up in the head, and that they suffer from some sort of ‘biological mental condition.’ But you know what? I have a ‘biological mental condition’ that makes me want to lick my lips and grab my crotch every time I see a sexy woman, but that doesn't mean I actually do it! It’s called being a responsible and moral adult.
Anyway. Free speech is great and all, but if 95% of the population is against something, then that’s reason enough for us to deny it. So don’t even try promoting arguments that cite pro-choice and pro-marijuana movements, because I’m positive that not even close to 95% of the population are against them.
See You Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy Later
This week I got my medical bills. I owe $1,500 to Ortho, $1,500 to the ER, $1,500 to the anesthesiologist, a couple hundred for X-rays, and around $13,000 for surgery. That’s friggen insane, man! Sheesh…
At first I planned on refusing to pay on the principle that I would have been on insurance if a single-payer system had been passed. However, I can’t do that. These men and women from Wake Med were kind enough to treat me, though I had no money on me. Since they didn’t turn their back on me, I cannot in good conscience turn my back on them.
However, they will not be seeing that money anytime soon, and that’s real! They can try going after me like Sallie Mae, but it’s extremely hard to get money out of a self-employed man who doesn’t use the lousy banking system. I’m about as under the radar as you can legally get.
Real Life Experiences
I mentioned last week how this fracture has been sort of a blessing. I wish I hadn’t fractured my hand, but since I did, I might as well look at it in a positive way. This unfortunate incident has forced me to go out of my comfort zone by making me have to deal with nurses, surgeons, therapists, etc. This increased social activity has had a positive influence on me. I hate to admit this, but real-life communication is a lot more pleasing than online communication.
I hate putting myself in social situations that make me feel awkward, but it’s a great way to derive inspiration, not to mention happiness. I’m just afraid of the BAD situations that might occur. Though positive encounters leave me feeling great, one bad encounter can temporarily damage me enough to dissuade me from even just stepping out the house to check the mail. Anyway.
Don’t Be Stingy, Mr. Scrooge!
I have no problem with successful people. If I ever become successful, you can bet I'm going to get a nice home and two nice cars. However, I'm not going to sit there and hoard the rest of my money and spend a lifetime collecting material things. I'll keep a certain amount (depending on my level of success), and use the rest of it to bless all the people who have affected me, including my parents, my brother, my family in India, my ex-gf, family friends, former friends, current friends, former teachers, arch enemies (maybe I can buy their acceptance, lol), and even those who hurt me.
OJ Simpson Spreads Love Of Jesus Though Tacky Christmas Card
This may be offensive to some readers.
Orenthal James "O. J." Simpson, aka “The Juice,” murdered a woman, denied doing it, wrote a book about doing it, robbed a sports memorabilia dealer, and dated a white woman, which according to the black community is the worst of all his offenses. Sadly, it appears that OJ is up to his usual bullshit yet again.
When Fred Goldman woke up this Christmas Eve morning, he was expecting it to be just like any other Christmas Eve—a day full of joy and celebration with his grandchildren. Then all hell broke loose around 1pm, when Goldman discovered an extremely tacky and insensitive Christmas card from O.J. Simpson in his mailbox.
“I couldn’t believe it,” Mr. Goldman told Insanity Now reporters. “He killed my daughter, but he didn’t have to kill my holiday spirit!”
Indeed. After having brought so much grief to the Goldmans, you would think O.J. could find it in his heart to just let them be. Apparently, he had other plans. But what sort of plans were they? This question led our news team to the Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada, where Simpson has been confined since late 2008.
By the time we arrived, the warden had already been notified of O.J.’s inappropriate and insensitive behavior, and subsequently thrown him into the ‘hole,’ which is prison slang for a cell with a really big guy hired to sexually molest misbehaving prisoners in their a-“hole.”
Since O.J. was literally tied up—due to O.J.’s size and fiery temper, the warden had to have him tied down naked to the ‘hole’ bed—we decided to speak with other prisoners.
According to O.J.’s cellmate, Roger “The Nutty Nutcracker” Myers, who was serving a life sentence for cutting off 10 men’s testicles and then blending them together into what he referred to in court as ‘the ultimate cocktail,’ O.J. had recently discovered God.
“Ever since he started reading the Bible, he’s been acting strange,” said Myers. “He started talking about repenting for his sins, and blessing the lives of those he has hurt.”
Apparently, he figured the best way to repent for his sins would be to send the Goldmans a tacky Christmas card.
“He knew they were money-hungry Jews,” Myers continued, “but he did it anyway. To be perfectly honest with you, I think he did it just because he’s still mad at Mr. Goldman for taking all his money. When I tried to ask him about it, his face got all red, and then we went into this trance. He kept saying ‘serenity now’ for 10 minutes straight. Then suddenly he opened his eyes, smiled, and walked away. It was weird, dude. Anyway…. just wondering, but how big are your testicles?”
Though Myers’ claim that O.J. sent the card in anger seemed plausible at first, our research revealed otherwise. According to several correctional officers, lately “O.J. had been singing and dancing around like Madea” at the prison’s weekly church service.
“Dude been straight up tripping,” said Darnell Aranda. “He kept interrupting the church service by screaming, ‘Praise Jesus.’ Then after the main service was over, the cat started dancing around and singing like he high off a brick. Then when it was all over n shit, dude went around lecturing everybody about Jesus. Man… no offense, but fuck Jesus. I worship Lord Ganja. Speaking of which, I need to go and uh… talk to that Jamaican prisoner over there with the cigar-looking asthma inhaler in his mouth.”
It seems O.J. really did mean well with his card. Unfortunately for him and his big, black, and hairy butthole, it was a very bad decision. Nevertheless, one question still remained: how the hell did he manage to get a Christmas card published in prison.
For that, we spoke to the aforementioned Jamaican man, a high-ranking prisoner known only as “The Photographer / Graphic Designer / Desktop Publisher / Part-Time Drug Dealer.”
“Mannnnnnnnn,” the extremely high and slower than an Indian boy trying to write satire Jamaican began, “dude was crazy for Gawddd. He wanted to share his love for Jesusssssss, mannnnnnn, so I fucking let himmmmm.”
The multi-talented yet seriously inarticulate Jamaican told us that O.J. sought out his services about two weeks ago. Since O.J. had no commissary to share, “The Photographer / Graphic Designer / Desktop Publisher / Part-Time Drug Dealer” had him stuff drugs up his asshole, and then sneak them from cellblock A to cellblock B. This is good news in that it means O.J. already knows how to handle a big package up his piehole.
After O.J. finally finished paying off his debt earlier this week, the Jamaican set him up for a prison photo-shoot, after which the card was design, printed, and then mailed to the Goldmans.
“Hey mannnn, it was just business to me,” said the Jamaaican.
Indeed. It was business, but none of O.J.’s business. How the Goldmans choose to live their life and who they worship or don’t worship is none of O.J.’s concern. He should have stuck to worrying about himself, but instead he became obsessed with trying to change everyone else around him. And now due to his actions he’s stuck in a cell with a 250-lb Russian who the warden says has a 15” bazooka-like penis.
That’s gotta hurt!
F.I.N.
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That’s it. I think that was really fucking good, especially considering how quickly I wrote it. By 12:50, I was mad because my piece sucked. So I deleted half of it and started over again. And walla. Sometimes IT TAKES TWO… two times around that is! Hahah.
PS #1 – Thanks for tuning in tonight. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend! Since I share a townhouse with others, and we have no heat besides our tiny room heaters, my parents stay at a hotel at night. That means I get to continue my weekly tradition of getting drunk and smoking like a chimney. Just somebody PLEASE remind me to spray my room with air freshener before I fall asleep. And uh yeah… e-cigarettes don’t work. They do for some, but…. apparently not me. I guess my dream to ‘smokewithoutfear’ isn’t going to happen, or at least not til I get some more willpower.
PS #2 – Thank you Fox for airing a new episode of ‘Human Target’ this week! I friggen loved it! And I swear… I’m so in love with the character Ames!
PS #3 – Thank you Jay Leno, Jimmy the Fallon Angel (lame play on words), and Conan O’Obrien for working this week! I genuinely appreciate it! However, fuck you Jimmy for yet again not picking my hashtag. Dude… I submitted 10. At least one of them had to be better than the crap you read on air. YOU … YOU … YOUUUU SUCKKKKKK!
PS #4 – "All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screw driver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in."
ROFLOL! That's exactly how I feel when my dog refuses to eat her food. My favorite ‘Christmas Story’ character is definitely the dad!
PS #5 – "Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas." ~Calvin Coolidge
Merry Christmas, folks!
And oh…. if you think I’m weird, just be aware that I think you and your strange Christmas traditions are just as weird!
……..
WTF!?
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