No Shame
The republican senators would rather go on vacation than work to get the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act passed—lest they disrespect their religion. Pshhh. They truly have no shame, and this is coming from a guy who once peed in the shower of a really old house and never apologized for it, even after it stunk up the whole basement. For more information, check out this Daily Show interview with 9/11 responders.
If You’re Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands
I’m kind of glad I fractured my hand. I’ll talk about this in more detail next week, but basically it has served as inspiration for me, while also providing me with an opportunity to take a much-needed break. Speaking of which, I spent this entire week setting up my website. At first I was enjoying it so much that I wondered why I gave up on a career in software and web development. I was rudely reminded, however, when things got complicated. In particular, it took me two days to adjust my CSS and PHP pages so that my e-cigarette review pages display correctly. The truth is that I’m just too slow at programming to ever excel at it.
I would love to share the URL, but it’s not even close to being ready for the public yet. I have weeks and maybe even months of work to do (keep in mind I’ll be back to full-time work next week, so I won’t have much time to tackle the site). First I have to complete the design, and then I have to add on at least 100 pages of content. Sighs.
Interesting Insights
A friend of mine has been bugging me all week to watch this video of a 17-year-old girl discussing her Asperger Syndrome. I avoided it because I frankly didn’t care. However, I was quite surprised. It’s a pretty good video. Check it out. Too bad she’s 17, and not 27….. SIGHS! The VERY FEW autistic chicks I’ve met in my age range were all fat, smelly, and wayyyyyyyyyy too weird. I’m a bit offbeat, especially with my writing, but I’m actually a really normal guy. Just ask my dog!
Union Park Residents Launch Lawsuit Against Fellow Neighbor
Is it ever okay to over-decorate your home for the holidays, even at the expense of your neighbors?
That is the subject of a case working its way through the Ramsey District Court in St. Paul, Minnesota, where residents of the Union Park neighborhood have filed a lawsuit against one of their neighbors, Jeffrey Glendale, whom they claim is causing local property values to plummet by over-decorating his home for the holidays.
Their attorney, Alfonso Esposito, claims that Mr. Glendale’s “homosexual tendency” to glamorize his house every “friggin' holiday season” has caused Union Park property values to gradually decline over the past year.
A recent report compiled by Sfg Appraisal CO, a local neighborhood appraiser, estimates that property values have dropped from over $250,000 to around $150,000, which according to Esposito is equivalent to “going from a high-rise condo to the slums, you know?”
This has had a devastating affect on the local community, particularly the kids.
“I like waited eight long months for my dad to die,” said Glenn Tischer, the 19-year-old son of single father Arthur Tischer, who passed away eight months after being diagnosed with terminal cancer.
“Dude, I was planning on like selling the house for $250,000, and then using the money to like buy my own huge tour bus. And then I was going to like go to the UK and get a degree in parapsychology so I could like make a living talking to ghosts and stuff. But now I’m like only going to get $150,000, which isn’t enough for the bus I wanted. What the fuck, dude? How am I going to like get to England now!? This dude Glendale like totally screwed up my education!”
In addition to ruining the dreams of Union Park’s talented youth, Glendale’s exorbitant decorations are also making some Muslim residents extremely uncomfortable.
“I know Jesus died on Christmas,” said suspicious-looking Union Park resident Saif Jamal Rabaie Mustafa Awad al-Zawahiri al-Fadl Saddam Lion King Muhammad Hussein Laden bin as he sharpened a sword with the words ‘Death to America’ engraved on it, “but that still doesn’t make it right.”
He continued, “I love Allah and would give both your life and mine and perhaps your children’s lives as well for him, but you don’t see me putting up statues and blow-up dolls of Allah all over the place, do you? Now get out of here, you dirty hypocrite infidel!”
When confronted about his holiday decorations, Glendale maintained that he was doing it to help his two daughters, Grace and Land, who had been traumatized fourteen months earlier when they accidentally discovered their grandfather dead on their stoop. According to Glendale, his father had been planning to surprise the girls by showing up as Santa. Unfortunately, he suffered a massive heart attack and fell to his death on their stoop, where he was then discovered the next morning when the girls went out to play.
“It devastated them,” said Glendale. “Ever since that day, they’ve been too traumatized to enjoy anything, even a simple holiday.”
“I’m not trying to hurt anyone,” he continued. I just want to make my girls smile again, and if that means decorating the whole damn neighborhood until it isn’t worth shit, then so be it! It’s called being a good a father!”
That’s a beautiful story…. but it’s a total crock. Our research reveals that Glendale has no daughters. In fact, the only reason he has been over-decorating his home is because he’s trying to win the $25,000 ‘Decorate Your Home’ competition sponsored each holiday season by his synagogue.
Leave it to a greedy-ass Jew to ruin Christmas for everyone else.
In the words of Esposito, who tried to warn us beforehand, "Friggen Jews!"
F.I.N.
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I know satire is supposed to have a point, but there really was no point to that or any of the pieces I’ve written so far. If you’ve gotten anything out of them, then right on. Just be aware that my only real goal is to come up with sophisticated humor, or at least semi-sophisticated humor. And for the most part, this shit just comes to me. It’s not like I sit down and plan it all out in advance. I just sit down and write, though I take a break now and again to refresh my mind.
PS #1 –
I paid $2 for that dead Santa photo, lol. It’s a stock pic. Hey man…. since I was too lazy to piece together a blog tonight, I felt it was only fair to do my very best to make ya’ll laugh! And by golly, I hope it worked!
PS #2 –
I friggen love Jews!
John Stewart!
Jerry Seinfeld!
Seth McFarlane!
Well actually, they say Seth is an atheist, but he makes so many Jew jokes that he has gotta be a Jew. Speaking of which, I think I’m a Jew, ROFLOL! HAHAHAHA!
4 real though… I LOVE JEWS!
Night all!
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