Proceed with Caution: The satire at the end may be highly offensive to some people.
Good Evening, Raleigh and beyond! I don’t know about you all, but I had a terrific week, due in no small part to Obama’s invigorating and inspirational speech. It really boosted my spirit and renewed my confidence in this great country of ours. I agreed with practically everything he said, especially those statements regarding family & education, clean energy & infrastructure, corporate regulation & commonsense safeguards, tolerance & civility, pre-existing conditions and universal healthcare, and the end of the Iraq War & the continuation of the Afghan War. In my opinion, he didn’t just kill it; he KILLT it!
I just hope he has a clear-cut answer to that still lingering question: Just how the heck does he plan to accomplish all that!?
Anyway, today I want to focus my blog on Social Security, a subject about which I know very little. I conducted some preliminary research on Wikipedia, and I intend to use my next month’s e-cigarette commissions (BUY MY E-CIGARETTES) to buy books on Social Security, socialism, fascism, communism, and bourbonism (the study of bourbon), but for now, just please bear with me.
Anyhow. Here in its completed form is my amateur-hour, op-ed piece/report on Social Security:
Are We In A Crisis? If So, What Should We Cut?
Social Security was enacted in 1935 by thirty-second President Franklin D Roosevelt as a means to provide financial security to retirees. Over time, additional amendments were added to cover such hardships as disability, unemployment, and poverty.
Republicans claim that Social Security—which has been successful for over 75 years—is in a crisis, but democrats say otherwise. Let’s assume for a moment that it is indeed in a crisis. Republicans contend that there are only two ways to undo this crisis: cut “entitlements,” or privatize Social Security by allowing Wall Street brokers to invest it in the stock market.
If Social Security is actually in a crisis, then it makes sense that we must adjust the way it functions. However, privatizing it is not a valid option. Though the chance of earning amazingly high rates of return sounds peachy, the risk involved is absolutely unacceptable. What would happen if the stock market were to crash like it did in 2008? Any workers who reached the retirement age immediately after the crash would lose all their savings.
That said, I will now examine Social Security’s seven sub-programs, and provide my opinion on what adjustments, if any, would be okay to make:
The first one, OASDI, relies on dedicated payroll taxes to provide monetary benefits to workers who retire, become disabled, or die, in which case the survivors get the benefits. Since the benefits received are based strictly on how much one pays into the system, this program is not an ‘entitlement.’ Therefore, it should not be touched.
Unemployment Benefits, on the other hand, are based on federal unemployment taxes (FUTA). It just so happens that employers, not employees, pay this tax. Therefore, it is an entitlement. As such, republicans have the right to cut it if necessary. I urge them, however, to please consider the enormous unemployment rate before making any rash decisions.
TANF is a bit more complicated. According to the Texas Health and Human Services Commission, “The total amount of time the parent or relative can receive TANF ranges from 12 to 36 months and is based on his or her education, work experience, and personal or economic situation. There are no time limits for children.” This is partly an entitlement, yet it’s not. Though reducing this program could potentially save money, I greatly urge republicans to look elsewhere for cuts.
The next one, Medicare, was enacted in 1965 by thirty-sixth President Lyndon B. Johnson. Partially funded by payroll taxes, Medicare provides health insurance coverage for up to 80% of costs to the elderly, and those individuals who were either born disabled or became permanently disabled. Since it is, at most, only “partially” an entitlement, only a partial amount of it should be subject to adjustment. Once again, I urge republicans to think wisely, lest they screw over a lot of needy Americans.
The most controversial program, Medicaid, provides health coverage to low-income U.S. citizens and resident aliens who are old, disabled, or just poor. Unlike Medicare, Medicaid is a full entitlement, in that the state and federal government pays for all of it. Unfortunately, many people abuse it, including Yours Truly; I receive free psychiatric care and prescription medication, though I could afford insurance if I merely gave up a few bad habits. With this in mind, I see no reason why Medicaid should be exempt from adjustment.
Next up is SCHIP, which uses federal funds to cover uninsured children from low-income families that make too much to qualify for Medicaid. It’s an entitlement, but it’s one geared toward children, which is why I’m hesitant to recommend cutting it. However, I don’t appreciate financially insecure women getting pregnant, and subsequently applying for SCHIP. It’s sad that children have to suffer, but the issue of parental responsibility does play a role, so I’m at a loss here.
The last one, SSI, uses money from the U.S. Treasury general funds to assist low-income individuals who are old, blind, or disabled. This is obviously an entitlement, but it’s a deserved entitlement—or at least for the first two. The disability clause disturbs me because I once knew a more-than-capable fellow who used his undeserved SSI benefits to pay his rent, and subsequently panhandled on the streets for alcohol & dope money. I want elderly, blind, and truly disabled persons to receive the entitlements they are due, but I also want stricter regulations to be enforced, so that individuals of a darker breed cannot take advantage of the system.
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Social Security has been with us as a nation for almost an entire century. It’s a powerful and much-needed program that has provided a sense of security to countless Americans—the elderly, the disabled, the temporarily unemployed, and even those blessed individuals trying their hardest to escape poverty. Unfortunately, Social Security has also become a tool for lazy, sinister individuals who prefer to ask what their country can do for them, versus what they can do for their country.
It’s obvious to me that certain parts of Social Security should be modified for the purpose of wringing out the leeches. As for the purpose of reducing our national debt, I, as an American citizen, will only allow Agent Orange, 4-Eyes the No-Good, and their crew of flunkies to adjust Social Security if and only if they give up the tax break for the rich that they cried their hearts out to achieve. If they want the most needy Americans to sacrifice, then they themselves must be prepared to sacrifice as well.
And if they don’t want to do that, then they can…………
PS – This week Lawrence O'Donnell said that a column should be, at minimum, 800 words. Try 970 words on for size, sucka (haha, j/k. This is much more of a report than it is a column. Mind you, I doubt O’Donnell’s columns ever featured a RAD picture, haha.).
I’m Not A Balloon Head, But I Do Have A Big Head
It’s time for my favorite part! What would one of my blogs be without some self-absorbed indulgence? This is to me what a piece of cake is to a blithering, overweight debate-student wannabe who fails to convince an audience why American exceptionalism is the best form of exceptionalism. Speaking of which, no matter how much cake you eat, Rush, you’ll always suck in America’s eyes. Haha. Sorry!
#1. Speaking Hypodermically, Of Course
I made some startling discoveries this week. I don’t think I want to be either a pundit or correspondent. I realize what you’re thinking: “What the heck makes you think you’ll ever be on TV?” I’m just speaking hyporetardedly, okay!? Regardless, I don’t like to talk, and like Edna St. Vincent Millay, I love humanity but I hate people. Suffice it to say, I quite prefer working in the quiet solitude of my own home.
That said, my focus has switched toward trying to become a columnist, satirist, or… blogger!? I look very negatively at blogging, as it’s nonprofessional artform that lacks the credibility of the actual news media, but I suppose it’s an option. My über liberal brother keeps pushing the blogging idea on me, but I haven’t been very receptive to it. Quite frankly, I think it’s a solution for underachievers.
My best bet would be to pursue a B.A. in Journalism and a Masters in Political Science, but that’s not an option, lol. This is reality, not La-La land. As the song goes, “Ain’t Nothin’ Goin’ On But The Rent.” That in mind, I’m going to just keep doing what I love doing: writing. Hopefully many people will keep reading and linking to it, and one day I’ll get the recognition I think I deserve. In the meantime, I’m going to keep using alcohol to convince myself that I’m something much much much greater than I actually am, lol ;-).
#2. To Kill Or Not To Kill The Bunny
You know, if Glenn Beck wasn’t such a right-wing fanatic, I could really start to like the guy. There’s nothing quite like a man holding a rabbit while asking, in the accent of Laurence Olivier, “I’m like a really crappy evil villain, aren’t I?” Yes, Sir, you certainly are! It’s unfortunate because you are also a funny guy with a cute, boy-next-door personality, and no, I’m not gay.
To be honest, Glenn Beck doesn’t scare me that much. What truly scares me are all his fans. They’re oftentimes the ones talking about an upcoming revolution, the overthrow of the U.S. government, and Obama’s birth records. Sighs. Glenn, do yourself a favor and turn to the light, my son! In due time, you’ll find that it’s much better to be a rational moderate than it is to be a loony-tunes “balloon head” (Chris!).
#3. I Hate Ubers
Speaking of crazy people, I truly cannot stand fanatics—regardless of whether they’re conservatives or liberals. There are too many people who barely pay attention to the news, yet assert without any doubt that there will be a revolution, or that conservatives or liberals are all evil. It’s annoying. What happened to the all the grown ups and sane people? And why must I always be labeled?
I’m not a pot-smoking, hippy liberal; I’m just a pot-smoking liberal. And I’m not a gun-toting conservative; I’m just fiscally conservative, though I’m still very new to this whole ‘being responsible’ thing. At the end of the day, I’m a left-leaning moderate. I’m not trying to take sides and dig a deep trench. I’m just trying to be sane, rational, and objective. That’s it.
By the way, SIGHS, I know several liberals who claim that what’s happening in Egypt is a precursor to a revolution that will occur here in the U.S. Really? If my preliminary and somewhat rushed research is correct (I’m running out of time), then in Egypt you can't criticize the president, you can't criticize any religions, and you CAN get away with beating a woman. So how in the hell is the U.S. in any way, shape, or form anything like Egypt?
SMDH (Shaking My Damn Head) at all the crazies! Stop smoking pot, start reading and watching the news, and more importantly, PAY ATTENTION!
Report: China Overtakes U.S. As World’s Best Lovers
Americans received a wake-up call Friday morning when the Asia Pacific Society for Sexual Mastery (APSSM) released a report claiming that Chinese men and women rank number one globally in genital size, sexual technique, and overall in-the-sack performance, far outpacing their American peers.
The report, published in the most recent issue of Americans Who Have Foreign Affairs, supports recent speculation that America’s propensity to out-thrust and out-maneuver its international competitors is quickly losing steam.
“It all comes down to quality education,” a jubilant APSSM spokesman, Hung Very Low, said while shamelessly squeezing his crotch with his hand right, which seemed disproportionately small in comparison to his professed genital girth. “Starting at the age of 5, young Chinese boys and girls are taught to imitate the greatest porn stars of all time, including Rocco Siffredi, Marilyn Chambers, and Ron Jeremy, whom we refer to as The Chosen One.”
The study also revealed that America’s Gross Domestic Penis Length (GDPL), which measures the total value of all American penis lengths combined, has dropped to a record low of 700 million inches among 140 million men, while the Chinese GDPL has risen to a whopping 3300 million inches among 550 million men. This translates to per capita rates of approximately 5 inches and 6 inches, respectively, which means that the average Chinese penis is now 1 inch longer than the average American penis.
“This substantial change in penis length, at least from the Chinese perspective, can be exclusively attributed to the 1991 release of Taony the Tiger’s instrumental parenting guide, What Chinese Parents Can Do To Make Sure Their Young Boys Grow Up To Have Bigger And Better Penises Than Their Stupid, Democracy-Loving Counterparts In America,” Hung Low noted. “Since its release, China’s GDLP per capita has been steadily rising at a rate of .05 inches per year.”
According to the report, another aspect that has greatly contributed to China’s sexual dominance is its sex-toy manufacturing industry, which was reformed and modernized in late 1999 by former President Jiang Zemin. Prior to 1999, most retail sex toys in China were imported from the United States. By investing in manufacturing and subsequently decreasing China’s reliance on foreign sex toys, President Jiang inadvertently helped skyrocket China’s sexual pride.
“What is a country without its own nationally branded sex toys?” Hung asked.
“It would be like Americans driving Japanese Hondas, Isuzus, and Mitsubishis,” Hung remarked, chuckling at the audacity of such an outlandish thought.
Despite the substantial losses in genital size and sexual pride, many Americans still remain in denial. Only two hours after the report was released, republicans congregated outside the Capitol building to protest against what they referred to as “outrageous, Communist lies perpetrated by President Obama.” The situation grew so out of control that House Speaker John Boehner was arrested for showcasing his boner.
“If Americans don’t start facing the reality of what’s happening around us, the same thing will happen to them that happened to Boehner,” Professor of Sexuality Charles Leonia from the University of Alabama told reporters at a press conference immediately following the ordeal in Washington, D.C.
He continued, “We must accept the truth and then work to change the very fabric of our country if we are to ever catch back up with the Chinese. It will require investing in quality-sex education, U.S. sex toy manufacturing—and even infrastructure. Without quality roads that our children can use to drive up to Makeout Hill, how will they ever learn to fuck correctly?”
Are Americans’ days as the greatest lovers on Earth gone for good, or is there still a chance they can redeem their former status as masters of penetration? It’s a complicated question with no clear-cut answer. Many remain hopeful, though, that the president will do everything he can to ensure America soon rises back up like an excited penis, and reclaims its place at the top.
Speaking of the president, Obama had only this to say about the report: “They may be better in the sack, and they may even have bigger dicks than most of us, though certainly not me, but their balls will never be as big as ours!”
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Thank you for reading! I apologize if the satire seemed a bit weak this week. It’s extremely hard to come up with a hit every week!!!! Speaking of which, I may take next week off. I’m a bit burned out (I am not Keith Olbermann, aka the KING OF ALL COLUMNISTS). I wrote on Christmas, on New Year, and even on my birthday. I think I deserve a break! Mind you, I’ll still try my hardest to push something out, but there’s a slight chance I may just say end up saying, “Screw it!” Anyway, have a great night, ya’ll!
PS - Thank you to all the wonderful pundits and correspondents at MSNBC and the Daily Show and the Colbert Report, and all the news reporters from the Huffington Post, CNN, and 1000+ other news websites for keeping me so well informed!
