I chose this song courtesy of Mr. Michael Baisden, but the song and video that’s really on my mind is “I Am The Future” by Troop 41. Watching them walk through New York City is unbelievably inspirational. These cats are doing it big, and I really really admire them.
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Good Evening, folks. After having taken three-fourths of a month off from work, it felt like hell on Earth returning to the grind this week. My life is a breeze compared to those who have spouses, kids, and actual jobs, yet at times I still have difficulty managing it all. I guess that’s just what I get for being a sissy-pants liberal, aye? Haha, j/k.
This week I’m going for a more brief and casual post. I love writing my ass off, but sometimes I just don’t have all that much on my mind. Beware that it will also be more controversial and provocative than usual.
So let’s get to it.
Our Children Should Know The Tooth
A lot of schools in America don’t allow The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn in their classrooms due to its abundant use of racial epithets. Activists like Mark Twain scholar Alan Gribben hope to resolve this unfortunate predicament by replacing such words with more appealing terms such as slave or “intern.” (Colbert)
I wholeheartedly disagree with this initiative because I believe children should know the truth. By sugarcoating such a historical piece, we're acting as if they’re too stupid to understand its implications. The n-word was used a lot back in Mark Twain’s time, and kids should know this. In fact, maybe seeing it used in such a derogatory and demeaning fashion might make them realize that it shouldn’t be used at all in the modern age.
You know, I used to use the n-word all the time, but I finally realized that it’s an inappropriate and stupid thing to do. FYI… I never read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.
Dr. Cornel West said it best:
“Twain was a literary genius and a bluesman who grew from a racist Confederate soldier to a mature solider of freedom on behalf of black people, yellow people and all others. Huck Finn is a funky text, because it tells the truth about America. Don’t deodorize it for the reality-denying audience of contemporary America.”
Fistbump atcha’, my nnnnnniihhh… *cough*… good friend of the black persuasion.
Is The World Getting Darker, Or Did I Forget To Take Off My Sunglasses?
A lot of strange shit has been going on lately—birds and fish dying all willy nilly, Jack Wheeler’s body turning up in the midst of garbage (R.I.P.), and my living room TV turning on and off on its own. It’s all a bit odd, but I’m not too overly concerned because unusual and unexpected patterns sometimes suddenly appear in nature. It’s no biggie, unlike the investigation into Biggie’s death, which is a real big Biggie!
Unfortunately, there are a whole lot of people who don’t realize this. Conspiracy theorists are drooling from the mouth in glee and using these occurrences to justify their delusional beliefs. I used to keep a close eye on the conspiracy networks because I found them to be entertaining, but everyday I’m finding them to be more and more disturbing instead. Just this week, I read a post from a guy offering to teach other Texans how to kill someone from 700-ft away on the basis that they’ll need this skill during the “upcoming guys.” Even more disturbing is the fact that he has two children.
The problem with these people is that they’re incapable of differentiating between fact and fiction. They love to tout evidence, but their so-called evidence isn’t real evidence. It’s phoney baloney contrived from some creative person’s imagination. Frankly, I find it annoying that these conspiracy theorists are so arrogantly confident that their versions of the truth are correct. What’s funny and ironic though is how quickly the truth changes from conspiracist to conspiracist. The theory offered just happens to always magically fit into each conspiracist’s own dark and twisted fantasy.
Truth be told, there is a slight chance that something major might occur in the next few years—something that would change the very fabric of society. Maybe there will be another world war; I don’t know. It’s immaterial because it hasn’t happened. More importantly, I prefer to view the future with more positive eyes. I strongly believe that any changes that might occur will be more-so about self-actualization and positivity. And I guarantee you that such changes will not come about as the result of all these fear-mongering, holier-than-thou false prophets.
By the way, I know that I myself come off as a precocious little twit with a ‘Buddha’ complex, but I’m just trying to showcase my intelligence in the hope of stealing the white man’s woman.
She’s mine now, Whitey!
The Boy Who Cried Bullshit
John Boehner is a trip to me. You would think a man who cries so frequently is a sensitive and compassionate teddy bear who loves the people. Yet the guy is going out of his way to try and thwart the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA)—a federal statute that, for clarification, provides affordable healthcare access to 32 million more Americans than before, expands Medicaid by 15 million people, ensures insurance companies allocate a certain proportion of their income toward medical expenses, and prevents insurance companies from discriminating based on pre-existing conditions. According to the NY Times and a multitude of other sources, repealing it would cost $230 billion over ten years, hurt small businesses by taking away the tax credits they receive to help cover employee health costs, and ultimately increase everyone’s premiums.
Either this guy really believes he’s doing the right thing, in which case he’s delusional and totally unaware of how real Americans live and feel, or he deserves an Oscar for crying on cue. Either way, I don’t like him. I do however love the fact that like me, he too smokes. The difference is that he has at least 20 more years of lung damage on his belt. Heheh. That was totally wrong, but misery loves the company of miserable republicans!
Picture a young man and an old man sitting next to each other on a park bench. The young man is smiling and giving a left thumb up as he peacefully puffs on a cigarette with his right hand, while the old man is using his left hand to wipe ashes from his stoma as he diligently tries to keep the cigarette in his right hand stabilized.
ROFLOL. That was so fucking unpatriotic that even I want to punch myself in the face! On a more serious note, John Boehner should seriously consider using discount count Disc10-19544 to get a 10% discount off a Green Smoke starter kit. It could save his life!
The Fabulous Adventures of Captain Queer
As all of you have probably heard by now, Navy Captain Owen Honors (aka Dis-Honors, lol) was relieved from duty aboard the USS Enterprise due to a raunchy video he made a few years ago. First of all, I honest to God thought there were three different guys in the video. It never occurred to me that it was Honors playing two other people. This means that either I need new glasses, or I’m really really friggen slow! Either way, I finally understand now how Louis Lane was unable to tell the difference between Superman and Clark Kent—something that had previously baffled me for decades.
Anyway. I personally don’t find the video offensive in the slightest bit. I like the idea of having a boss or commander with a gregarious sense of humor. However, since I have no military background, I’m in no position to make a judgment call on this issue. My lack of knowledge concerning military culture prevents me from really understanding it. Plus God Forbid I offend Glenn Close, who, by the way, has the first name of a man. (J/K)
System Failure
You remember that little retarded boy from Everybody Loves Raymond? I’m a lot like him in that I too am easily overwhelmed, not to mention retarded. (“I’m invisible! I’m invisible!”) There’s just so much news to digest, and so little time to do it. I spend a considerable amount of time skimming the news, yet I always feel like I’m ten steps behind. When writing the above section, for instance, I had to quickly pull all those facts off the Internet because I didn’t know them off the top of my hand. To be honest, I still can’t recite them off the top of my head, lol.
I prefer viewing things from a macro perspective because it’s easier to put aside facts and figures this way. The bottom line is that repealing Obamacare would be bad for this country because it’d up the deficit, while also taking affordable healthcare away from millions of needy American. Unfortunately, you can’t argue a point with such vague statements—unless you don’t mind being ridiculed by your opponents. Even worse is when a conservative catches me arguing a point with incorrect facts. OUCH… that hurts!
One thing I can say with full confidence is that Sarah Palin’s Alaska is a lot safer for children than it is for adults! (Source: TV-Guide)
I sadly cannot say the same for my grandmother, who suffered a heart attack after watching the show for 15 minutes. I tried to save her, but she grabbed my hand and whispered, “Let me go. It’s too much to bear!” Eh… that was a corny play on words.
Can’t We All Play Here In Peace?
This week the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that a Christian cross located at the Mount Soledad Memorial in San Francisco is unconstitutional because it makes it look as if the government is endorsing Christianity.
I agree with this decision, but it’s unfortunate that they had to take it this far to begin with. It wouldn’t have been an issue if other religions had been allowed to display their symbols at the memorial as well. Unfortunately, many Christian fundamentalists in our country are so afraid of other religions such as Islam that they refuse to share the playing field with them.
I find it extremely sad because as an agnostic, I couldn’t careless what signs and symbols people parade around town. I don’t care if children wear t-shirts that say, “I love Jesus,” “I love Beavis,” or “I love Penis”; if Muslims build a mosque near 9/11; or if my friggen dog begins worshipping Satan and subsequently puts up a little Satan flag next to her food bowl. WHATEVER! Who cares!? Let people be free, say I!
Oh well. Since certain Christians (not all) don’t want to play fair, then we have to go by the law. There’s nothing else to it.
A guy on CNN said it best:
“Everyone loves the Constitution until upholding it requires a decision that does not favor their personal beliefs. If you feel this decision is an attack on you, then you have forgotten that the idea is to protect us all. You have to accept the fact that others do not want to see your religion or its symbols tied to the government in any way. The decision favors all, rather than you.”
Guns For Tots
McDonald’s toys are like guns in that they can kill children, or at least that’s what some folks in San Francisco would like us to think. They believe that toys encourage children to eat unhealthy, so they’ve banned them from Happy Meals. I vehemently disagree with this ruling because I believe food choices should be left to parents. Admittedly, though, I wouldn’t mind seeing McDonald’s offer some better quality food.
I’m an adult, and I like McDonald’s toys. They’re fucking fun, damnit. The problem is that I can only get one if I purchase a Happy Meal with nuggets or a burger. I make it a habit to never eat burgers unless I’m planning to have sex later that day, in which case I’ll scoop up some grease and stick it up my… well nevermind.
At the end of the day, McDonald’s has the right to serve whatever food it wants. Happy Meals with burgers and nuggets are unhealthy, but they have the right to sell them, and parents have the right to buy them. I do wish they would start offering additional Happy Meal options, such as ones with mini grilled sandwiches and cups of fruit. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to get my toys from Toys R Us. Maybe parents with fat kids should consider doing the same.
New York City Terminates Curbside Recycling Program Because Of P Diddy’s “Go Green or Die” Initiative
Following the overwhelming success of P Diddy’s “Go Green or Die” initiative, the New York City Department of Sanitation has permanently terminated its curbside recycling program. According to Mayor Bloomberg, there’s just isn’t enough space for “all that crap” anymore.
“When only the leftwing, hippy bastards were recycling, it wasn’t a problem,” said DSNY director Robert Crowley. “Then that rapper D Piddy or whatever started this stupid movement, and all hell broke loose.”
Since the inception of Diddy’s campaign in early 2010, the average number of NYC households that recycle has risen to a whopping 85% from what was once just 15%. The unexpected enthusiasm for recycling has left recycling centers all across the city crippled and unable to function.
“We have piles and piles of scribbled paper, used toilet paper, ashy cigarette paper, charred-up joint paper, and unread editions of the New York Times newspaper all over the place,” said Manhattan Recycling Center manager Derek Fallom, sweeping what looked like was either chocolate-covered broccoli or fecal matter from his trousers.
Sources report that 62% of all DSYN workers have quit since the beginning of Diddy’s “Go Green or Die” campaign. Though 61% of them cited unsanitary conditions as their reason for leaving, a few such as illegal Mexican dwarf Miguel “Tiny” Velasquez cited something else.
“I crawled and hid inside a horse’s ass to get into this great country,” said Tiny, wiping tears from his diminutively sized face. “I wanted to work hard, become successful, and give my family everything they deserve, but I couldn’t take it anymore!”
“I’ve seen it all—dilapidated homes with no plumbing or electricity; the bodies of men, women, and children who were gunned down by ruthless drug lords; and even the inside of a horse’s anus—but never in my life have I seen so many fucking recycled goods!”
According to Mayor Bloomberg, the situation hit the fan two days ago when one of the workers at the Manhattan Recycling Center began having a massive number of bowel movements while on the clock.
“The whole factory erupted into madness when they discovered that he had cholera,” said Bloomberg. “It’s unfortunate, honestly, but things do happen. Thankfully we were able to quickly intervene by quarantining the staff and shutting down all our recycling plants. The guy is dead, but nobody else caught it, and the public is happy.”
"Things could have been a lot worse," Bloomberg added. "Thank God nobody knows that we were the ones who created cholera to begin with!”
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Alright. That’s it. I hope you enjoyed it because I didn’t enjoy writing it, lol. Mind you, I’m going to really really enjoy the short-lived, drunken catharsis that’s about to follow!!! Anyway. I’m about to enjoy 24 hours of pure bliss!
PS #1. Do you wonder at times whether women really know what they want? If so, look here. Do you love to eat chitlins while watching raunchy humor? If so, look here.
PS #2. CNN's Dr. Gupta did a piece this week entitled Better than Botox: 7 reasons to have sex tonight. I don’t know too much sex, as it has been 4+ years, but I sure do know a lot about self-sex *two thumbs up with a cheesy smile*. In fact, it’s helping me recover from my hand fracture by forcing me to bend my screwed-up finger. It’d be easier to just screw myself with 4 fingers, but ain’t no lovin’ like 5-fingered lovin’, and you know that’s right!
PS #3. I offended some people last week when I claimed that a local woman looks like Arianna Huffington on steroids. What I meant to say is that she has the face of Miss Huffington, but the luscious breasts of Xena the Warrior Princess. I apologize for the confusion. (FYI – I adore Miss Huffington, so this is definitely not meant with disrespect)
PS #4. “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” (Marcus Aurelius)
PS #5 – I may be pushing the boundaries of tactful comedy with this, but here it goes. We all know that conservatives suck, but apparently, so do liberal children.
Get it, honey!
Was that a bit too much? If so, I’m genuinely sorry!
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