Anyway. I realize everybody in the entire country is either partying or asleep right now, but I have no life whatsoever, lol. So I’m going to go ahead and drop a blog yet again. Thank you for reading!
If You’re Unhappy And You Know It, Tell The World
I hate haters. In particular, I despise people who go out of their way to demean others for their choices and accomplishments. It’s just not cool, man. However, it had me wondering, “Why do they do it?” Why do they feel a need to scowl at other peoples’ success?
In particular, it made me think of this lady I know who used to be a very haughty and mean-spirited hag who’d sit on her porch all day, just watching people pass by so that she could judge them. Her entire life literally revolved around finding new and creative ways to discount others.
I recently got in touch with her on Facebook, and I discovered a totally changed woman. Her old self is gone, and now she’s brimming with love and positivity. It really surprised me at first, but as she started explaining what she’s been doing for the past couple of years, the pieces started falling in place.
You see, she used to be a very unhappy woman. She was stuck in an unhappy marriage, she had no job, and she felt useless. Then a couple years ago, she left her husband, moved to a new state, got a job, and completely changed her life. It turns out that her desire to demean others stemmed from her own unhappiness at the time.
This leads me to believe that most hateful people are unhappy inside, even if they appear otherwise on the outside. Maybe they feel that life has unfairly shorted them, so they retaliate against people whom they feel have things (material or non-material) that they lack. Since they’re unhappy, why should anyone else deserve to be happy?
It’s very sad, but one question still remains unanswered. How should I go about dealing with such negative and unhappy people? Oftentimes I retaliate by lashing back with equal ferocity, but this method rarely gets me anywhere. More often that not, in fact, it just makes me as unhappy as them.
I suppose the only real way to handle cantankerous people is to just ignore them and, even better, pray for them. I’m not even slightly religious, but I believe prayer is a great way to explore and express the deep emotions that run within us, including anger, love, and hatred. And maybe I’m naïve, but I believe if I pray hard enough for someone, maybe… just maybe… my positive energy will rub off on them.
Mind you, this only works if I’m praying for positive things…
That’s just wrong!
Do I Suck? And If So, Am I Good At It?
I’m trying to figure out what sort of writer I want to be. I did a little research on satire this week, and I don’t think my writing really qualifies as satire. Most of my pieces have had some sort of meaningful message in them, but that’s been entirely by accident. My real and only goal has just been to make people laugh. I truly love the feeling I get when others laugh at my jokes. I just wish I knew how to make people laugh on a more consistent basis.
In truth, I suffer from a lack of creativity. I’m unable to just come up with a story and characters all willy-nilly. Instead my strategy is to find a funny picture, and then use it to write some sort of fake news piece that either parodies someone or something, or just makes people laugh through its outlandishness. Thankfully, I have a wee bit of experience writing news, so I’m able to use that to give my ‘satire’ an air of authority and authenticity.
The real problem though is that I guess I’m just not funny. I don’t get it. I think I’m funny, but my attempts at satire get absolutely no reaction. Nobody on Facebook ever ‘likes’ or comments on my posts. One chick applauds me for my great overall writing, but she never pinpoints my satire. It pisses me off because if I were to write a status message that read, “Mannn…. my dick so big that it's got its own dick, and even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick,” I would be blown up with praise.
“DAMNNN, son! That’s funny as all hell!”
“You’re a funny guy, man!”
“You silly silly young man!”
Really? That’s fucking funny to you people!? (as in Facebook people, not ‘you you’ people, you know?)
I want to be funny, but I don’t get humor. There is so much stuff out there that others think is absolutely hilarious, yet I find dull and obtuse. I hate to name names, but take Jon Stewart for instance. I love the guy, but I don’t always get his sense of humor. Whenever he raises his voice in a high pitch (which he does frequently), the audience falls over in laughter. Meanwhile I stare at him, scratching my head in total confusion.
Also consider the Hashtag Game on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. Quite frankly, I think most of the hashtags he reads suck balls. There are usually one or two that really make me laugh, but the rest just irritate me. It’s like, “You chose these over mine?” I don’t fucking get it. Am I really that unfunny, or am I just targeting the wrong people? I don’t know, man, and that’s the most frustrating part.
Regardless, I’m going to continue trying to be funny. If nothing else, these writing exercises will at least help me enhance my ability to be creative and think on my feet. I may be a sucky writer with a crappy sense of humor, but I can say for certain that my writing has grown tremendously in the past two years. I don’t know if any of you remember me from 2008, but my writing really stank.
Hopefully my writing will grow even more in the next 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10 years. It’s a painstakingly long process with no clear end in sight, but at least I’m not sitting still; I’m moving forward, step by step.
Wrap It Up, Or Pay A Fine
I like Ted Turner’s proposal for a one-child-per-family policy. However, I would prefer that the number be raised to two, so that every family at least has a chance of having both a son and daughter. Many people find this idea horrific and even “dumb,” but I think it’s mandatory in an age when overpopulation threatens to turn our beloved democracy into an ‘idiocracy.’
The problem is two-fold. First, there are hundreds of thousands of fools out there who love to have sex without using condoms. They don’t want to have kids, but they end up having 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8+ kids that typically end up being raised in improper environments. If you don’t believe me, then just watch Maury. Sadly, this is becoming a common, everyday practice. It’s sickening, but it’s the truth.
Then of course there are plenty of folks, especially young insecure women, who want to have kids, but aren’t ready for the responsibility. They themselves are kids. For instance, I once knew a young, well-to-do 20-year-old woman from an upper-class family. Within the span of three years, she popped out three children. That’s fine, except the fact that she was and may still be too immature to take proper care of them. I appreciate that she was financially secure, but what about emotional security?
We have to put a stop to this. If we continue at this rate, we’re going to turn into China or India, and I honestly believe that capitalism cannot thrive in such an overpopulated state. Think of India, where each and every street is lined with ten or more different vendors competing against one another. They stand outside all day in the hope of making one measly sale. It’s hard for them to make money, because every single street is full of vendors selling the exact same products.
I love the book ‘Cheaper By A Dozen,” but in real life, kids aren’t cheaper by the dozen. Every child deserves an unequivocal amount of love and attention. Maybe I’m being an elitist liberal, but I believe the reason our country has so many stupid people is because stupid people are breeding way faster than intelligent people, regardless of race or class. They just don’t seem to get how big a responsibility taking care of a child is. It’s not as easy as people think it is, you know!?
Case in point…
Congratulations on permanently traumatizing your child!
I Love To Make Fun Of Crazy People!
As a slightly mentally deficient individual, I believe that I have the right to make fun of other mentally deficient individuals, especially really really mentally deficient individuals. This is, in fact, the reason I love Coast to Coast AM radio so much. Granted, they sometimes feature intelligent hosts and listener commentaries, but in general, Coast to Coast tends to attract a heap of whackos, not to mention fanatical, right-wing Christian nutjobs who believe that Jesus will return in 2012 to smite down all liberals.
In particular, last night Coast to Coast hosted an open line in which listeners were encouraged to call in and share their 2011 predictions. Oh man, oh man, it was a wild scene. One such individual claimed that Stephen King killed John Lennon. I shit you not! This guy, Stephen Lightfoot, even has a website dedicated to his delusional beliefs. Another guy claimed that the producers of the History Channel are stalking and trying to kill him.
As entertaining as it is to laugh at these loons, it’s also equally disturbing that they’re allowed to run free. They need to be institutionalized, lest they one day snap and hurt someone. Mind you, if they were locked up, that means they wouldn’t be able to entertain us with their lunacy, which is why I strongly believe the federal government should make a law that allows people in crazy facilities to make outgoing calls to radio shows, roflol. Oh God… I’m going straight to hell! lol
Beware The Deceptacons
I learned a new word this week! According to Wikipedia (accuse my lack of highly credible sources), neoconservatism is a “political philosophy that combines a pragmatic approach to economics with a traditional approach to culture and social issues.” That’s a bit confusing to me, but the general idea is that neoconservatives are comfortable with globalism, secularism, and limited welfare and government regulation, versus their “paleoconservative” counterparts, whose viewpoints are all fundamental—no welfare, no abortion, no homosexuality, and no Obamacare!
Conservapedia says, “In contrast to traditional conservatives, neoconservatives disagree with paleoconservatives on issues such as classroom prayer, the separation of powers, cultural unity, and immigration. Neocons favor a strong active state in world affairs.”
From what I know about neoconservatism thus far, I rather like it. I have no plans of becoming a conservative, but it’s nice to know that there are conservatives out there whose viewpoints don’t differ that much from my own. Gosh, I sure do love learning new words :-). Now if John Wiley & Sons, Inc. would just drop a ‘Pragmatism for Dummies’ book, I would truly be in nirvana!
By the way, the Transformers term ‘deceptacon’ is often used as a pejorative to describe neoconservatives. (Thank you again, GLAAD, for teaching me the word pejorative!!!)
We The People Who Look And Talk Like This, And NOBODY ELSE!
On January 1, 2010, HB 2281 will take effect in Arizona. This law “prohibits schools from offering courses at any grade level that advocate ethnic solidarity, promote overthrow of the US government, or cater to specific ethnic groups.” (Mother Jones)
I don’t mind the middle clause, especially considering that few if any ethnic studies classes are bent on teaching students how to transform American into Mexico, despite what the right wing media claims. I do however take umbrage to the other two clauses, which, in my opinion, are an attempt to prevent students from learning about their own histories and cultures, not to mention their own unique cultural perspectives on America.
Huffington Post writer Randall Amster says it best:
”This takes the teachings of one culture -- the colonizer's -- and makes it the standard version of history while literally banning other accounts, turning the master narrative into the ‘normal’ one and further denigrating marginalized perspectives. America's racialized past abounds with such examples of oppressed people being denied their languages, histories, and cultures, including through enforced indoctrination in school systems.”
Basically the conservatives who enacted this measure want kids to only learn about ‘American’ history as they see fit. They refuse to allow children to be taught different perspectives, such as the Japanese perspective, the Indian perspective, and, of course, the Hispanic/Latino perspective.
It’s some major bullshit that really sticks in my craw. I’m not much of a cultural guy, but I believe in every American’s right to explore whatever culture he or she desires to learn about, including his or her own. And truth be told, many people, including women, African Americans, Hispanics, Asians, the Irish, etc., suffered a great deal of inequality during the early years of American history. To deny them the right to learn about this is tantamount to discrimination.
It’s a very complicated issue and I don’t feel like doing anymore research tonight, so if you want to learn more about it, start here: Arizona Bans Ethnic Studies and, Along With it, Reason and Justice.
FDA Declares Alcohol 'Miracle Drug'
Thank you to whoever write this, because studying your writing style helped me tremendously with the completion of this amateur piece!!!
In a move expected to send shockwaves throughout America, the Federal Drug Administration (FDA) has officially classified alcohol as a ‘miracle drug’ for humans and non-humans alike, and mandated that all primary care pediatricians, physiatrists, physicians, and veterinarians immediately begin recommending it to their patients.
“Its ability to bring two people who have absolutely nothing in common together in holy matrimony, tame dogs and children that would otherwise be a nuisance, and promote temporary relief for physically impaired patients leads us to believe that alcohol is the answer to all our problems,” said FDA agency executive Dr. Margaret Ann Hamburg.
The new resolution, which will go into effect on January 1st, 2010, allows medical professionals to recommend or even administer beer and liquor to adults, kids, and dogs alike. It’s primarily intended to tame the spirits of patients suffering from insufferable conditions, such as a young teenager in tears over a pimple that appeared on her face the night before her first day of school. However, the ruling also allows healthcare workers to administer a shot of Patron to subdue difficult patients.
“This new bill is a much needed blessing,” said Doctors Council SEIU president Barry Liebowitz, M.D., wiping tears from his eyes with a handkerchief. “The next time I have to deal with a snotty little brat who won’t sit still, I can just give him a shot. Get it. A shot!?”
“People who really understand how hard it is for us as doctors will appreciate this ruling,” Liebowitz continued. “Those who don’t… well, I recommend they take to their psychiatrist, if you know what I mean!”
Since the end of Prohibition in 1933, alcohol has been readily available for consumption by adults, but not children and dogs. Not only does the new ruling, dubbed ‘Proposition The Easy Way Out,’ pave the way for future canine and minor alcoholics of America—many of whom will greatly aid in stimulating the economy by purchasing extremely large quantities of alcohol, assuming their parents and/or masters agree—it will also provide adults with a legitimate excuse for showing up at work late due to a hangover.
Like thousands of other highschool graduates, Arizona resident Jean Erin has been fired from multiple jobs due to his alcoholism. He blames it on his employers, who according to him refuse to sympathize with his unfortunate situation.
“Dude, I have a lot of emotional problems in my life right now that I’m trying to deal with,” said Erin, who at the time was looking up the number of his current employer so he could call in sick. “Insensitive jerkwad boss after boss kept firing me because they didn’t understand, but now they can’t because I have a written notice from my doctor!”
According to the FDA, the ruling will especially prove helpful for physically disabled or impaired men and women who lack confidence.
“A small dose of alcohol is just what they need,” said Liebowitz. “Not only will it boost their spirit, but it’ll give them the confidence they need to keep going on with their lives.”
Though Proposition The Easy Way Out has been well received by doctors and patients alike, one has to wonder whether this is the right direction the country should be taking at this time.
“Look at Mommy hopping on one leg,” exclaimed 6-year-old Allison Francois, pointing at her mother, Jeanette, who was slowly hoping her way toward a liquor store on the other side of the street. “Mommy is going to get our medications!”
F.I.N.
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Well, I hope you guys enjoyed my post tonight! I’ve been working very very very very very very very very very very very very hard on it all day! Anyway.
HAPPY NEW YEAR and stay blessed, ya’ll! God is goooood! By the way, I know I copied the format of the Onion piece, but remember, emulation is the greatest form of flattery, my friends!
PS #1. I really like the show ‘Morning Joe.’ On days that I stay up til 6am in the morning, I make sure to tune in for 15 minutes or so before I go to bed. The show provides a great deal of political insight, as well as humor and entertainment. It’s an all-around terrific show! One thing though… is it just me or does Joe Scarborough look like a 40-year-old version of Chandler Bing!?
PS #2. Back in college I used to love Structured Query Language (SQL), a programming language used for accessing, adjusting, and maintaining databases. I’ve forgotten most of it, but a quick refresher got me fairly up to speed. I’m using it to make some major adjustments to my site. Basically I have a plugin (A) that orders my category posts the way I like. I have another plugin (B) that displays a category TOC. The problem is that the TOC orders them by Wordpress’s inner ranking system. So I have to find a way to extract plugin A’s stored rank values from the DB, and then apply them to plugin B.
PS #3. By the way, I celebrated my New Year with 106 n Park. I have been celebrating New Year with them since 2001, and I intend to keep celebrating it this way for years to come! Everybody thought hiphop and 106 n Park were just stupid fads, but boy, oh boy, they sure were wrong, hahah! By the way, my New Year resolution is to marry Nicky Minaj! Yah, Rocsi, you could have had this a few years ago, but you done fucked up! Look at you now! Lol j/k.
PS #4. I’m about to link ya’ll to the MOST RACIST video on Earth. I’m doing it for several reasons. #1. It was made by kids. #2. The kids are ‘colored.’ #3. It’s absolutely hilarious. Check it out: Top 60 Ghetto Black Names. FYI – As a person who loves creativity, I have no problem with unique, ‘ghetto’ names. I’m sick and tired of everyone HAVING to name their kids “JOHN” “BOB” “GARY” “LINDA” “JAN” “MARSHA”. Fuck that! If I want to name my future daughter E-cigar-etta-neisha-no-carcinogona, I can and I WILL!
PS #5. I don’t care for the Jersey Shore reality show, but I like the whole Jersey Shore culture. I don’t understand why people hate them so much. They’re a culture. They may have different values and styles than you, but that’s their right. It’s funny because so many people secretly hate America. They spend all day praising other countries and cultures, and then when you bring up an American culture (urban, Jersey Shore, hick, redneck, hillbilly, goth, whatever), they get an attitude. They must hate America or something!
Just like people who spit their gum into urinals…
America-hatin’ BASTARDS!
-Night all!-
Oh gosh! There you go again writing funny, insightful stuff. Keep up the good work.
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