Good Evening, city of Raleigh and possibly beyond! I don’t know about all of you, but I spent most of the week reading and watching way more news than any 29-year-old man should. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that my mind is teeming with thoughts concerning such issues like Wake County’s “disintegration policy,” Sarah Palin’s dwindling career, the rise of Chinese “imperialism,” Rush Limbaugh, adolescence #2, purported “ass kissers,” tiger parenting, stay-at-home fathers, the need for stricter gun control laws, and whether Willie Geist’s eyes are brown or blue (j/k; and yes, I know I’m a jackass).
Since Friday is my birthday and I’m feeling awfully unmotivated and confused (see adolescence #2), I’m not going to cover everything. I’m just going to start writing and see how far I can get. Wish me well!
One Note: This blog is chockablock with raunchy humor. I want to apologize in advance if I offend anyone. Just to let you know, my goals are quite simple:
#1. Make you think.
#2. Make you want to have my baby.
#3. And make you LAUGH!
If I garner any other reaction from you, then I’m sorry. I really am.
Raleigh Bulletin Board
#1. Raleigh’s finest tow operation, Lizard Lick Towing, will be premiering on TruTV at 10pm, February 7. Be there or be square like a…. cube!? Lord have mercy, my southern vernacular is atrocious!
#2. Catch Raleigh’s #1 DJ, Brian Dawson from K97.5, “each Saturday night on Fox50 following the 10 O’Clock News as Capitol Broadcasting, Radio One & Chase Media presents The BSpot.”
Try To Shoot Down My Rights ‘N I’ll Be Reading You Your Last Rights!
America, we as citizens of the greatest nation on Earth have three inalienable rights: the right to bear arms, the right to bear children, and the right to bear our asses in public when no police officers are present. Frankly, I couldn’t careless about the first two rights because I don’t need a gun and I don’t have a vagina. However, there are many among us to whom these rights, particularly the first, do matter.
Therefore, outlawing guns would be a clear violation of not only the constitution, but also the rights of those hard-working Americans who do want to arm themselves. It is however my stipulation that we must at least upgrade our current gun control laws to prevent shootings such as those that occurred at Tucson and Columbine from ever happening again.
I am not an expert on gun control laws, and I am feeling far too lazy from eating cake to possibly perform the in-depth research required of this subject. So instead of analyzing our current gun control laws, I’m going to propose five of my own. Keep in mind that these are not all-encompassing. As I started earlier, I feel like being a lazy piece of shit right now!
#1. Anyone suffering from an emotional disorder can obtain a gun only if he or she takes and passes a strenuous mental status examination. Being afflicted with a mental disorder doesn’t necessarily make someone crazy. For instance, just because Howie Mandel would rather scratch his own ass than shake someone else’s hand doesn’t mean he isn’t rational enough to possess a firearm. The bottom line is that not all mental orders are equal.
#2. Anyone convicted of either a sex-related or violent crime cannot purchase or carry a gun at any time whatsoever. I’m sorry, but such people have forgone their right to bear arms. I intentionally highlighted violent or sex-related crimes because I feel that permanently banning all convicted felons from owning a gun is unfair. I should be barred from purchasing a weapon because I talk to my dog like she’s a human, not because I took part in a non-violent burglary when I was 18.
#3. Anyone who is unemployed must first acquire and maintain a job for at least six months before he or she may acquire a weapon. It’s my belief that unemployed and potentially disgruntled individuals, especially those of the postal persuasion, are far more likely to go bonkers than someone who’s hard at work. This rule is a bit sketchy, so I fully understand if you find it disagreeable.
#4. Anyone who fulfills the above prerequisites may purchase a gun, but only after successfully completing 15 or more hours of basic firearm training. A gun in the hands of a responsible person who isn’t trained to use it is just as dangerous as a gun in the hands of an irresponsible person who is trained to use it.
#5. Last but not least, anyone who purchases a gun must prove every two years that it’s still in his or her possession. The process merely entails bringing the gun in to some sort of regulation depot for a “check-up.” This will prevent gun owners from illegally flipping their weapons to others. “What if their dog ate it?” you’re probably asking. Well, then they would have to pay a $1000 - $10,000 fine, depending on the MSRP of the gun in question. This would prevent Joe Schmoe from selling his gun for a quick profit. Nice try though, slick!
Look, I don’t mind guns in the hands of responsible, sane, and employed individuals. However, owning a gun is more so a privilege than it is a fundamental right. Suffice it to say, if you want to own a gun, then you better be ready to prove that you deserve the “right.” Remember folks, guns aren’t toys; they’re real, and they’re deadly!
Adolescence #2 (WTF!?)
2010 was a great year for me. My writing was improving, I was making a sub-standard-decent living, and I felt somewhat happy. For once I finally felt like I was getting somewhere. Unfortunately, this feeling has since evaporated and been replaced by ones of inadequacy and confusion instead.
It’s almost like I’m going through a second adolescence. It kind of makes sense, what with 30 being the new 20. I wouldn’t mind it so much if, like when I had my first adolescence, my penis would grow some more. That would be pretty cool. Unfortunately, this adolescence is occurring entirely in my brain. It’s quite annoying.
I can’t figure out what I want more—money, a wife, or a career. Even worse, I have no clue how to obtain any one of these. To be honest, I’m leaning most toward trying to ‘launch’ a successful career. But in what? Excuse my non-language language, but what the **** am I actually capable of doing? Could I be a satirist, a columnist, a pundit, a funny book writer, or a professional jackass—or am I destined to always be a freelance writer?
They say one can do anything one puts one’s mind too (God I hate gender neutral language), but that’s bullshit—plain and simple bullshit! We all have our limits. What scares me is that perhaps I’ve reached mine. Maybe this is it. Wow… I just realized that I sound as if I’m having a mid-life crisis, which makes no sense since technically I’m 19.
Anyway. I’m sorry to bore you all with my inner demons. I prefer to avoid revealing myself like this, but I just couldn’t help it this time. I’m confused, man. And no… I’m not confused about my sexuality, ASSHOLE ;-).
To end this section, I want to share my birthday horoscope. I’m not some astrology believer or whatnot, but I did find this reading to be very interesting, to say the least.
“You don't know if you've gone deep enough yet, for the more you dig, the more you learn. Nevertheless, at some point, you must finish your research and actually put what you've learned to practical use. Once you acknowledge that you've uncovered a bottomless pit, you'll be able to stop spinning your intellectual and professional wheels. The time for thinking is over; get to work and apply your wealth of knowledge to getting ahead.”
I just hope to God I’m really a friggen Aquarius!
”Pig Latin, Pig Latin,” said the Pig
My favorite-ever cartoon character, Porky Pig (aka Rush Limbaugh), got blasted this week for mocking the Chinese language. At first I honestly laughed out loud because I don’t consider him a legitimate political pundit. As far as I’m concerned, he’s an entertainer, meaning he’s no better than Seth McFarlane (sawwy Seth). Plus what he said sounded like Pig Latin, which certainly befits a man with such an enormous personality and waistline.
After listening to several pundits discuss the issue, I’m not so sure where I stand anymore. On one hand, he carries himself like a pundit, which means different standards should apply. If Joe Scarborough were to say something so distasteful, for instance, I would expect Mika Brzezinski to paddle him until his butt turned red. By the same token, Rush Limbaugh should be disciplined for being so distasteful—especially at such a precarious time. The Chinese are currently visiting us, for God’s sake!
But as someone who genuinely loves comedy, I really don’t know how to react. The joke really didn’t offend me—but I guess it did offend others. On the Ed Show, Al Sharpton went so far as to say, "I think you should not be able to use humor in a racist or gender-biased way.” I agree that such humor shouldn’t be allowed on “federally regulated” airwaves, but to ban such humor outright seems unreasonable.
To me, it all comes down to intentions. Seth McFarlane and I get our rocks off on making fun of people, regardless of race, gender, sexuality, religion, or fame. We frankly don’t care. However, we design our humor in a way that will offend the least number of people possible. Plus we mean absolutely no disrespect with our comedy. I’ve been picking on the Morning Joe staff these past two weeks, but it’s been entirely out of admiration and respect. What Limbaugh did, on the other hand, seems more so out of disrespect.
At the end of the day, I still have no answer. All I know is that I don’t want to lose my own right to create distasteful humor. I quite enjoy being a jackass; I was born to be one. Some people are pundits; others are construction workers. Me? I’m a jackass, born and raised, and you know that’s right! Speaking of which…
I, Sir, Do Not Kiss Ass; I Suck Up!
This week I came under heavy fire from many who claim I’m an ass kisser. I want to officially ‘refudiate’ these allegations by letting it be known once and for all that I, Sirs and Madams, am not an ass kisser, an ass licker, or an ass fingerer. I am a just a humble suck upuper. J/K!
On a serious note, a lot of people have accused me of trying to kiss ass. This slightly irritates me because it’s absolutely false. There are many people whom I admire, and I don’t mind sharing my
On a serious note, a lot of people have accused me of trying to kiss ass. This slightly irritates me because it’s absolutely false. There are many people whom I greatly respect, and I don’t mind sharing my deep admiration for them. However, many people believe I’m just trying to get a job. Really? Do you really think I’m stupid enough to believe I’ll just magically be handed a job? What am I—the autistic version of Ted Williams? Come on now, folks!
Look, I’m just a very loving person. I have a lot of love to give and I intend to give it out whether you like it or not, Bub! My dearest apologies though to all the people out there who don’t enjoy getting their asses sensually sucked on, but if I like ya’ll, then ya’ll str8-up screwed cuz I ain’t backing off! So gon’ stop complaining, bend over, and let this Southern Daddy-Mack have a taste at your delectable butt!
By the way, some of the notables I really like include Michael Baisden, George Willborn, George Noory, Roland Martin (aka Mr. Ascot), Soledad O’brien, Mika Brzezinski, Joe Scarborough, Ruben Navarrette, Dr. Sanjay Gupta (not to be confused with Gupta from the show Outsourced), Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, John Quiñones, Dr. Cornel West, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Conan O’brien, Jay Leno, Ray Romano, Arianna Huffington, Seth McFarlane, Cleveland Brown, Chef Gordon Ramsay, etc. And this is just an abbreviated list, folks! What can I say… I got love in my heart!
Sarah Palin Accidentally Hits Self-Destruct Button On Her Career
In a sad twist of fate, Sarah Palin’s political posturing, which over the course of two years has taken her from the boondocks of Alaska to a mansion in Imaho, officially came to an abrupt end early Friday morning when she accidentally hit the self-destruct button on her career, iDog, while trying to give it a bath.
“Last Wednesday, iDog started leaking a tremendous deal of blood libel from its pooper and stinking up my mansion,” a saddened by visibly still optimistic Palin told reporters at a press conference Saturday. “While giving it a bath, I accidentally hit the self-destruct button, which unbeknownst to me at the time was located right underneath his bum.”
She continued, “No words can fill the hole left by iDog’s unfortunate and unexpected demise, but I am confident that a swift, 5-minute burial will do him just fine, in turn leaving me all the time I need to manufacture a new career.”
Under the terms Palin agreed to when she adopted iDog, she must first face the keen scrutiny of investigative detectives and forensic analysts, many of whom already suspect her of foul play. If charged and convicted, Palin could potentially be permanently barred from ever practicing politics again.
“Although it initially appeared like a typical case of career self-termination by accident, what with iDog’s various parts scattered about in no particular pattern, further investigation revealed certain discrepancies,” lead detective Stewie Leibowitz later revealed. “We’ll need to wait for the results of the autopsy for confirmation, but it is my firm belief that iDog died from a severe case of political career abuse.”
Political career abuse, as defined by Pundits for the Ethical Termination of Asinine Careers (PETAC), refers to instances in which a politician browbeats his or her career into dust—whether on purpose or out of genuine ignorance. Investigators suspect that Palin beat, tortured, and strangled iDog, and then subsequently took apart its body and laid out its internal components in a disorganized fashion.
“I’m truly baffled by these horrendous allegations—all of 'em,” said Palin, balking at the suggestion that she purposefully sabotaged her own career. “I’ve been doing everything I can to foster iDog’s well-being, including feeding it a generous diet of one-sided political rhetoric; taking it on walks through nearby cemeteries to illustrate the effects of Obama’s death panels; and even letting it play with the tarnished careers of people from poverty-stricken, drug-infested neighborhoods in the hope it’ll realize the importance of cutting taxes for the wealthy.”
She continued, “Considering that I even went so far as to have it wee-wee’d up at the salon—and I’m talking a pedicure, a manicure, and even colorful ribbons and bows—it is clear that these people with their false allegations have clearly misunderestimated by character.”
Because Palin was taking decent care of her career, or at least it seemed, she was expected to go on and run for president in 2012. After this unexpected tragedy, however, it remains to be seen whether she can build a new career in politics. Her critics say that her fifteen minutes of fame are up, but some of her more ardent supporters vehemently disagree. Regardless, the swarm of negative attention Palin has drawn from this whole fiasco will hopefully, at the very least, deter other candidates from trying to also accidentally or purposefully sabotage their own careers.
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In related news, Michele Bachmann, who has only been in the national spotlight for a relatively short period of time, just phoned in to the Whitehouse to report that she just accidentally hit the self-destruct button on her career, iPoop.
(There goes the neighborhood!)
F.I.N.
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PS #1 – I seriously doubt that Sarah Palin or any other notable figures even know I’m alive, though sometimes I have Twilight Zone moments where it seems otherwise (The Friday morning edition of Morning Joe was really, really weird!), but I want to err on the side of caution by issuing a public apology.
Miss Palin, I have nothing against you personally. However, I sincerely feel like the speech you made after the Tucson shooting was extremely tacky, inappropriate, and self-absorbed. I can get away with being a self-absorbed dumbass because I AM A SELF-ABSORBED DUMBASS! You, on the other hand, are a political figure tasked with representing the people. So please, for the love of God, stop putting yourself in front of your country and countrymen! You’re here for us, not the other way around.
PS #2 – I was extremely impressed by tonight’s new episode of “Primetime: What Would You Do?” It seems like the producers have really reinvented themselves. The hidden-camera bits were fresh, innovative, and touching! Well done, ABC! I’m still mad that ya’ll cancelled “The Whole Truth,” but I suppose I can forgive ya’ll this one time.
PS #3 – Today I almost killed my dog. I take her out to the bathroom when she needs it, I feed her plenty, and I play with her so very much. How did she repay me today, on my birthday? Sighs. I woke up to discover that while I was asleep, the little hellhound had ate one of her toys and subsequently puked and shit all over my room. Oh thank you, thank you dearly, oh sweetie pie friggen honey bun, thank you so much for the generous birthday gift. Fucking bitch!
PS #4 – I want to apologize for never making a real attempt at communicating with other people (I write, but I never stick around long enough to listen to the rebuttals). I still have a lot of inner demons to defeat. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever defeat them, but I do want to say how much I appreciate ya’lls (assuming anyone is even reading this) attention. I kind of live in a secluded, protected bubble because inside, I’m kind of like a little boy—with a grown man’s penis, mind you.
PS #5 – If you liked my satire piece, please do me a favor and click on THIS. Every hit earns me $.001. It may seem like very little, but it quickly adds up! By the way, if you’re interested in building some residual income, definitely consider signing up at AssociatedContent!
Night all and stay blessed, all of you. Life is hard man. It’s very difficult. I know many of you are suffering through horrible times. Please keep your heads up and keep yourselves forever moving forward!
Nite.
--- Final Note ---
I just read about Keith Olbermann leaving MSNBC. I really really like the guy, so I’m really saddened by this news. Hey Keith, man, keep your head up, bruh! You cool in my book! I didn’t watch you that often because you’re on at 8, when a lot of other stuff is on, but I always liked you—and so did one of my indirect mentors, Mr. Michael Baisden. Stay blessed! We will miss you.
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