Evening, folks. I hope everyone had a decent week. I myself have been suffering from a major dose of cynicism. I’m very irritated at everything that’s going on around me. Texas republican congressmen are trying to arm themselves with guns, Bill Maher is cussing out Tonight Show guests, and Jimmy Fallon is still refusing to pick my hashtag. What a dick!
Anyway, I honestly don’t feel like going into a bunch of long spiels tonight. Instead I’m going to drop one small blog piece, one small personal piece, and one ultra-small satire piece. That’s it. Note also that my blog post may appear ever so slightly biased to the left. Plus it’s going to be full of jokey-jokey material because I don’t feel like being 100% serious. It’s Friday, and I want to have a good time…
If You Can’t Keep It Civil, Then Squash It!
This week I’ve been paying close attention to several political pundits and news sources, including the Huffington Post, Jon Stewart, Chris Mathews, Mika Brzezinski, Joe Scarborough, and the one old guy on Morning Joe who always functions as the day’s chief elder. On Thursday it was Pat Buchanan.
Like the pundits, I too hope that the events of last Saturday inspire the fanatics on both the left and right to tone down their rhetoric. A quick glance at the endless stream of hateful and misguided rhetoric still brewing on the Internet makes it abundantly clear, however, that such a change in mentality isn’t going to occur overnight.
FoxNews.com readers keep lambasting democrats for turning the Tucson memorial service into a “side show attraction” featuring a “native American Mexican,” “high school cheerleaders,” and, of course, “Barry.” Meanwhile, CNN.com readers are hell bent on making certain everyone realizes that “Sarah Palin is 100% responsible for last Saturday’s shooting,” not to mention world hunger, global warming, and premature ejaculation. I admit that she’s somewhat of a ‘female dog’ who needs to learn how to admit her shortcomings, but I certainly don’t blame her for Loughner’s actions.
Even I have been unable to maintain civility and composure. Last night I ripped apart a member of the “inbred right” for referring to a young, half-Latino woman as ignorant because she wants to learn more about her heritage. This was my only public display of disrespect, but I assure you that I’ve been spouting endless hatred from behind the scenes. Just ask my female dog. This afternoon I spent one hour severely chastising her for listening to Glenn Beck. What a Sarah Palin!
All the while certain unnamed radio programs continue to propagate fear mongering by predicting an upcoming civil war / revolution between the middle class and the “aristocratic government,” which, in case you didn’t already know, is being operated by the “Bilderberg Group.” (rolls eyes) What I find interesting is how the rhetoric of these fanatics fits so well with Loughner’s own psyche.
“He basically kind of thought that the government was crap and that it was just this big, bad thing that was trying to just take over everybody and that we had no say in anything, that we were controlled by them 100 percent,” his former girlfriend, Ashley Figueroa, told KGUN9 Tucson news station reporters.
By the way, does anybody else find it peculiar that the news station has the word ‘gun’ in its name?
Anyway, the fanatics are partially correct in that there is a war. However, it’s not a war between conservatives and liberals, the religious and the non-religious, or the “colored” and the “non-colored.” Rather it’s a war between our ids, egos, and superegos. We all have evil, nasty, and perverted thoughts & desires circulating in our ids. It’s human nature. Take for instance some of mine:
“I hate republicans!”
“Good-looking women are evil!”
“I want to bone the chick from the Daily Show as Jon Stewart watches and takes notes on MY TECHNIQUES!”
Usually our egos are hard at work in the background keeping our ids happy, while at the same time making sure to stay within the boundaries defined by our superegos. Lately, however, our superegos haven’t been doing their jobs. They’ve been slacking and subsequently allowing our egos and ids to run amuck! It’s as if our superegos have given up on morality. “Why have a conscience in this day and age?” they keep asking.
What I’m trying to say is that we’re losing a grip on our moral consciousness. In simplest terms, we’re allowing our most basic, primitive instincts to dominate our behavior. While spontaneous and erratic behavior can be productive in certain situations, such as when trying to launch a bazooka at a tank about to crash through Capital Hill (rolls eyes @ Rep. Louis Gohmert, R-Texas), there is no need for it when merely debating politics. Though times are indeed difficult and many different ideologies clutter the airwaves, there is no excuse for us to allow our emotions to take over our actions. We’re not melodramatic 15-year-olds; we’re grown men and women, and we should know better!
So if we can’t debate with civility and respect, then we need to “squash all [the] beef,” and just move on. Excuse my street vernacular, but it ain’t that serious! We’re alive and well in the freest and greatest nation on Earth, so we should be thankful, not hateful.
Personal Thoughts (Temporary Replacement for PS)
#1. I have a fracture on my right hand that is healing exceptionally fast, especially considering I’m a smoker. I’m hoping and praying that my Doctor, whom I see in two weeks, will give me permission to start working out again. Right now I feel like a lazy piece of shit! I crave nothing more than to do some pull-ups, rows, deadlifts, shrugs, curls, extensions, squats, and…. drum-roll…. bench presses! *grunts like the toolman*
#2. This week a die-hard MLK fan asked me what my dream is. Besides ending world hunger, bringing forth world peace, and eradicating all conservatives save for Joe Scarborough, Tim the pot-smoker, and Bubba, my real dream is to be a weekly columnist.
I’ve realized that I don’t want to talk and write about the news every day. I prefer to spend most of the week just sitting back and listening to the pundits talk. Plus I quite fancy variety. Sunday through Tuesday is for freelancing writing, Wednesday is for affiliate marketing, Thursday is for web-cam whoring on naughtyliberalasianboys.com, and Friday is for writing a column.
There are three reasons behind my desire to be a columnist.
A. I want all the haters from my past—especially those from Indiana, Massachusetts, and Colorado—to finally say those words: “Oh shit… I was wrong about him!” Yeah, no shit, Sherlock!
B. I want to prove to my family back in India that I’m not just some fool who is “wasting his life away.”
C. I want to express my opinion to millions of attentive readers all across the United States. I genuinely feel that I have a unique perspective on issues that could potentially make a difference.
The only problem is that becoming a columnist requires obtaining a journalism degree, and then working as a journalist. My lack of social skills makes it very unlikely that I could ever excel in a world based almost exclusively on networking. My only other option is to become Arianna Huffington’s boy toy. Sighs. I guess I have to do what I have to do… *takes off pants and walks off into the sunset*.
#3. I want to take a moment to offer all my blessings and love to all those who lost their lives or were injured at last weekend’s shooting. I especially want to remark on Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, a woman whom I find to be absolutely enchanting. It has been an honor to read up about her this week. With all due respect, she reminds me of the character Amy McDougall from Everybody Loves Raymond, except that she’s much much prettier.
What I find even more mesmerizing is the love between her and her husband, Commander Mark Edward Kelly. They both truly inspire me. Miss Gabrielle reminds me why I should never lose faith in finding a good woman, while Mr. Kelly motivates me to become a strong, “rock”-like man worthy of the type of love he’s been so fortunate to find. God Bless them, 4 real though, as well as all the other people affected by the horrendous shooting.
A Force of One—Chuck Norris Vows To Save America's Vitriolic Political Culture With Way of the Dragon
With America’s political climate quickly deteriorating from the unabashed vitriol littering the airways and streets, there remains little hope for civility—or does there? Step in Chuck Norris, a ‘Lone Wolf McQuade’ who has vowed to officially resolve this unfortunate dilemma, even if it means roundhouse kicking everybody’s ass.
“The atmosphere in America has gotten out of hand, and it’s time for me to fix it,” Chuck said, brushing bits of steak off his t-shirt, which oddly featured an artist’s depiction of Rush Limbaugh’s watermelon-like head being smashed by Gallagher.
He continued, “The problem facing our country is that people have lost touch with their morals and values, and subsequently become cynical, mean-spirited and at times even violent. We’ve tried injecting money into our schools, promoting civil discourse, and even banning assault weapons, but to no avail, which leads me to believe that it’s time for me to take action by bringing the way of the dragon to the country I hold so dear in my heart.”
Chuck was of course referring to the code of honor from Chun Kuk Do, a form of martial arts he put together by hiring a freelance writer to rewrite the rules of Tang Soo Do in her own words. It features simple ten guidelines for how men and women should conduct themselves.
“It’s real simple,” Chuck said. “All Americans have to do is seek the best in themselves and others; remain loyal to their friends, family, and country; keep working hard to achieve their goals; and dedicate themselves to promoting civility, open-mindedness, and love.”
What remains to be seen is how Chuck will implement such a radical and groundbreaking philosophy into American society, which is already littered with a multitude of conflicting ideologies constantly at war with one another. Added to that, there are many Americans who will likely accuse Chuck of trying to subvert the “rising people’s movement” with sentimental banality.
“Look, let me put it you this way,” commented Rush Limbaugh, while trying to zip up his fly, which had been stuck in an open position for 36 hours straight. “The only thing this ‘be good, do good’ goodie two-shoes crap will accomplish is take focus off the real issue—that Angelina Jolie is building an army of adopted-children soldiers trained to help our ear leader, Whacky Barracky, turn our country into socialist Nazi Germany.”
The question still remains—how will Chuck implement his program.
“I’m Chuck Norris,” said Chuck Norris, “and I don’t take any shit. When a firehouse has a fire, they call me. When I poke people on Facebook, they die. When cops pull me over, they try to talk their way out of it. Suffice it to say, America will either do what I tell them to do, or I’ll roundhouse kick them in their ass.” (Source: ChuckNorrisFacts.com)
When we then pointed out that such talk goes against his code of honor, he merely replied, “If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."
Chuck Norris’s Code of Honor
1. I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.
2. I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.
3. I will continually work at developing love, happiness and loyalty in my family.
4. I will look for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile.
5. If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.
6. I will always be as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
7. I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness.
8. I will maintain respect for those in authority and demonstrate this respect at all times.
9. I will always remain loyal to my God, my country, family and my friends.
10. I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country and myself.
Final Note
I have no clue what ‘sentimental banality’ means, but it just sounds really big and cool. More importantly, it makes me feel friggen smart, DUDE!
NIGHT, YA’LL!
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