Anyway. Before I begin, I want to assure everyone that I was merely jesting when I drunkenly claimed that I avoid mentoring children because they mean absolutely nothing to me. The real reasons I don’t mentor children are because I don’t have a car, kids make me nervous, and, more importantly, kids f**king lie, man! Some kid will end up claiming I touched him. Dude, I was just trying to swat a poisonous-looking spider off your ass! Shit, you should be rewarding me with a hug!
Brief News: Raleigh Dog Sets Guinness Record For ‘Biggest Belly-Rub Slut’
Late Thursday afternoon, Guinness World Records awarded a new record for the ‘Biggest Belly-Rub Slut’ to a 3-year-old German shepherd from Raleigh, North Carolina. The promiscuous pup, Sheila, managed to beat the likes of Kim Kardashian, Margaret Cho, and even Buffy the Body by earning the most belly rubs in a 24-hour period. “The things this little slut will do for a tender belly rub boggle the mind,” said her owner Victor, who wasn’t the least bit surprised that she won. “First she’ll whine and nibble at your shoes, but after awhile she’ll just lie back, spread her legs, and look at you with the sluttiest eyes on Earth.” Sheila celebrated her victory by lying next to Victor, spreading her legs wider than a German acrobat, and begging for yet another tender belly rub.
Moral of the story: My dog is a slut.
Unborn Baby With One Arm, One Eye, And One Leg Shares Its Opinion On Abortion
Columbus—Early Wednesday, an unborn and unnamed baby known by anti-abortion activists simply as ‘The One’ (and not just because it currently only has one eye) arrived at the Ohio Statehouse to testify against abortion using kick language. It was part of a move by the anti-abortion organization Right2Kick to permanently outlaw abortion by proving once and for all that babies are unequivocally against it.
The proceeding began at 9:00 a.m. sharp with 'The One's' mother, 34-year-old Stephanie Isicoff, proving she was pregnant by undergoing an in-court ultrasound courtesy of Doctor Huck Thune. Right2Kick President Melissa Jackson then took the floor to introduce herself.
"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Melissa Jackson and I am the founder of Right2Kick, an anti-abortion organization that believes every unborn child has the right to be heard," Melissa explained to a courtroom chockfull of reporters, court workers, Right2Kick activists, and, of course, 'The One.' "We feel that just because an unborn baby lacks fully developed arms, ears, eyes, genitals, legs, a mouth, and a brain doesn't mean it doesn't have an opinion."
"So in 2010 my staff and I set out to find a way to communicate with an unborn baby," she continued amid gasps of shock and confusion, "and a year later we stumbled on kick language, a revolutionary new form of nonverbal communication that allows an unborn baby to respond to a question with a yes, no, or unsure answer by merely delivering a kick to the right, left, or middle of its mother's belly."
Melissa then went on to introduce 'The One,' whom she claimed was chosen for his "extraordinary kicking abilities"; describe the questioning process, which had been thoroughly checked beforehand by a third-party scientist hired by Ohio's Republican Party; and list out her other capabilities (just in case this didn't work out), which included the ability to also speak with the dead. Whether or not a spirit knocks a lamp over to the right or left can indicate a yes or no answer.
Following the introductions, 'The One' was ordered to swear an oath by kicking a Bible that was placed on his mother's stomach. The questioning began immediately afterward.
"Would you like to be aborted?" Melissa asked.
The court stood motionless and quiet as 'The One' reflected on the question for approximately thirty minutes, during which time its mother gently rubbed the left side of her belly; she had a stomach ache. Then at approximately 10:15 a.m., 'The One' delivered a quick left kick, causing Right2Kick members to erupt into cheers of jubilation. 'The One' went on to deliver two more right kicks, one left kick, and two middle kicks, but they were attributed to its excitement, as it had just become the first baby to ever testify in court.
After the commotion settled, Melissa went on to ask four more questions:
"Is abortion moral?"
"Is abortion Godly?"
"If you were to one day become pregnant by rape, assuming you're born a girl, would you consider aborting your baby?"
"Is there any reason on Earth for which you would permit the horrendous act known as abortion?"
'The One' took twenty to thirty minutes per question to deliberate, but he always answered with a left kick. And each left kick was subsequently followed with another batch of excited left, right, and middle kicks. Strangely enough, its mother's stomach ache didn't finally settle down until right after the last question was answered.
Regardless, 'The One' officially cemented Right2Kick's stance that all babies are indeed against abortion. All that remains now is for the evidence acquired at the proceeding to be forwarded to the Supreme Court, which Melissa hopes will rule to permanently outlaw abortion all across the United States.
"I cannot even begin to express how happy I am at this moment," Melissa later told reporters. "With the help of the 'The One,' we finally have everything we need to put an end to the sick and twisted lies of the pro-choice movement."
"I mean really, who can possibly deny such irrefutable evidence?"
Moral of the story: Unborn babies shouldn’t be called into court.
Brief News: Study — Man Who Think Hard Fart Deadly Onions
A study conducted by professors from the Adler School of Rectal Psychology has led to the discovery that thinking heavily during times of great duress can produce torpedo-like onion farts that could potentially paralyze or even fatally impale a predator or opponent. “By merely focusing one’s mind, men and women can in fact direct their rectal muscles to manifest fully ripe onions right out of thin air, and then fire them out of their rectums like cannonballs,” said Professor Seymore Butts. He and his colleagues hope to use their newfound knowledge to empower the elderly, disabled peoples, women, and even weak men (especially those who can barely bench 185 pounds) with the onion-fart-producing meditation techniques needed to protect themselves. “Everybody deserves the right to be safe—even pathetic men who punch likes girls,” he said.
Moral of the story: If you can’t fight them, praise them!? (in regard to the Onion)
Moral of the story 2: Instead of attacking opponents with your fist, attack them with your mind!
Brief News: Mike Huckabee Gets Foot Stuck In Mouth During Game of Kickball
(I couldn’t piece together a good pic for this.)
While playing kickball with his grandchildren Friday afternoon, Mike Huckabee overreached his leg and accidentally got his foot stuck in his mouth. “Daddy has been practicing with us everyday for two months, and he was getting really, really good,” said one of his grandsons. “But this week he just hasn’t been the same.” According to his doctor, he’s suffering from political tendonitis, a rare condition in which a politician gets so stressed out that he temporarily loses the ability to properly coordinate his leg muscles. Assuming Huckabee is willing to sit back, take a deep breath, and regain his composure, he should be able to recover in due time. However, the condition could worsen if he keeps denying it, as he’s sadly been doing thus far. “It’s definitely not a good situation to be in,” said his doctor, “but at least he isn’t suffering from political stupiditus, in which a stressed out politician loses control of his mouth; that’s the worst!”
Moral of the story: Mike Huckabee done lost his fragernackle mind. Get it together, Huck!
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I hope you guys enjoyed that! In case people from the Onion really read my stuff, I want to apologize for copying your format. Please consider it a compliment, as I’m really not trying to get sued :-). And oh, I’d be interested in working for ya’ll on a freelance basis, assuming you offer me some decent cash. I ain’t a gold digger, but I ain’t tryna’ be a broke n****. As for contacting me, uh . . . try Facebook.
PS #1. The reason I was able to write so much this week is because I was off from work. My main employer is currently doing back-end upgrades. Sadly, I’ll be back to work next week, which means you shouldn’t expect the same level of quality! I’m not the friggen energizer bunny!
PS #2. I chose not to discuss politics this week because it seems pointless to merely regurgitate stuff that I’ve heard other people say. Starting from this week, assuming I don’t get distracted along the way, I hope to SATIRIZE what I hear instead of just repeating it in my own words. Wish me luck, ya’ll! And in case the Onion turns me down, I may just look into starting my own satire website/magazine (pshhh… I can’t even sell e-cigarettes). Ehh fudge… I’ll probably just keep doing what I do best: writing! I wasn’t born to market, advertise, and sell. I was born just to write…
PS #3. Check out another one of Raleigh’s finest, James Barnes, aka Blackstorm. His song The Streets is straight up fire! CAROLINA WE STAND!
PS #4. I discovered today that YouTube rapper 50 Tyson, whom many people including myself have mocked, has autism just like me. I feel like such an ass for having laughed at him. Though his skill level is still very underdeveloped, realistically speaking, I truly hope and pray that he continues to work hard, so that he may one day find true success in that which he loves—music. You got my unlimited support, 50 Tyson!
PS #5. Pizza Hut sucks! I waited an hour 15 minutes for my order, only to discover they screwed it up. So I called them back, and they promised to send a replacement in 45 minutes so long as I didn’t eat anymore than 1 slice. So I did as they said. Guess what happened? It took another hour 15 minutes to arrive, and they ended up letting me just keep both pieces. If I had enough time left (I lost a LOT of valuable time), I’d have written a satire about it! I have a fear of doorbells and knocks (they surprise me, and I HATE HATE HATE being surprised), so I had to wait by the door the entire friggen time!
Anyway. Sorry for the rant, ya’ll.
Night all!
And oh, click this picture if you want to purchase some GRADE-A satire!
Shouts Out: Early Mornin’ w/ OG Big Willy Badass Geist, Morning Joe, K97.5, Lizard Lick, Coast to Coast w/George Noory & George Knapp (The Curious Georges!), Baisden Live w/George Willborn, everybody at MSNBC, everybody at CNN, Obozo (not Obama; Obozo is the guy at the corner store), PRESIDENT Obama, and women who go to work without underwear. God bless you ladies!
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