March 26th | Go G.O.A.T. (Me) - Rebuttal to Kanye’s Go H.A.M.

Only wannabes go HAM (‘Harder Than A Motherf$$ker). Real gangstas . . . we go GOAT (‘Gangster On A Trick’). Neah, neah neah, bitches!

What it do, Raleigh and crew? I was going to take this week off due to a lack of good ideas, but thanks to some last-minute inspiration, I’ve managed to put together a semi-decent set of satire. And to please conservatives, I’ve even written a right-leaning piece that makes fun of the fact that Obama was working on his Final Four picks and mingling with Brazilians as hell was unfolding all across the world. Keep in mind that as a staunch Obama supporter, I support his decision to fly to South America to help cultivate job growth. Nevertheless, even our dear, sweet president isn’t exempt from being blasted.

Unfortunately, all my pieces today are brief. The truth is that writing a feature piece is extremely difficult. If I wanted to, I could turn every single one of these brief pieces into feature pieces, but I just don’t have the time, the energy, or the capital. Though I live a fairly stress-free life, or at least in comparison to the average adult’s life, I’m still constantly overcome with stress and anxiety. Suffice it to say, I have too many personal problems and too much stress to drop HOT FYA every week.

Sadly, I will not be blasting Chris Brown. I wanted to do a piece about him or his fans (Chris Brown Throws Fit After Suffering Diaper Rash; Chris Brown Fans Make Suicide Pact), but too many people I know and respect support his bitch ass. Therefore, I’m going to let him off the hook, though I personally think he’s a spoiled, immature little brat who needs to grow the f**k up. However, I used to be the same way (and I still am, in some regards), so I’ll lay off.

Let’s get to the fun stuff! And oh, I hope everybody had a nice week.

Brief News: Cesar Millan Reveals New Dry Hump Technique For Dealing With Stubborn Bitches

World-renowned dog psychologist Cesar Millan, better known as the ‘Dog Whisperer,’ has revealed a new dog training method designed to subdue even the most stubborn female dog. Dubbed the ‘Dry Hump Technique,’ the method consists of mounting a dog from behind while clothed, and subsequently humping it.



“There’s no better way to put a bitch in check than to straight up hump her,” Cesar told reporters. “It worked on my dog, it’ll work on your dog, and it might even work on Snooki.”

Cesar accidentally stumbled on the ingenious method in late 2010, when, during a moment of extreme passion, he decided to relieve his tension by dry humping his dog’s furry butt. Amazingly enough, the rather disturbing action had the serendipitous side effect of completely taming his previously misbehaving dog.

“For some odd reason, grinding my balls against her sweet ass [sic] had this mind-blowing affect on her psyche,” Cesar explained. “Since that day, she’s been following directions better, and she’s completely stopped peeing indoors.”

Inspired by the results, Cesar developed the ‘Dry Hump Technique’ and began creating videos, pamphlets, and books detailing how to perform it correctly. It’s his sincerest hope that dog owners armed with this technique can finally hump their stubborn, won’t-listen-for-shit dogs into total and complete submission.

“And if my method doesn’t work, then I suppose folks could just try just humping their bitches the good old fashioned way, but I wouldn’t recommend it,” Cesar added.

Moral of the story: There is none, lol. And no, I have never dry humped my dog, though I have dry humped my pillow on several occasions.

Brief News: Obama to Trump — Take Off The Wig

Washington—President Barack Obama has called on U.S. business mogul Donald Trump to take off his wig and reveal to America that he’s “in fact balder than a monkey’s ass.”



“Look, I’ve seen a lot of wigs and weaves in my day,” Obama said Thursday on ABC’s ‘The View,’ nodding his head at his wife Michelle, who replied with a quick flick of her middle finger, “and I’m 100% positive that the thing on the Donald’s head is either a wig or a chipmunk in hibernation.”

A self-proclaimed ‘baldino,’ Obama is one of hundreds of democrats who believe that Trump went bald in the late 80s, but is too craven to admit it. Trump has denied the allegations and even successfully passed a DNA hair test, but the issue continues to haunt him on the job front nonetheless.

“I was trying to negotiate this 20 million dollar real estate contract with this guy, but he kept asking me whether my hair is real,” Trump complained to reporters. “Even after I showed him my DNA test results, the crazy bastard still didn’t believe me!”

He continued, “I mean, what the hell do I have to do to prove this is my real hair?”

Moral of the story: You ain’t the only “smart guy” who can peddle bullshit, Baldie Mc Fattie Burger!

Brief News: Parents Really Pissed At Toddler For Pulling A Newt Gingrich

Pennsylvania—Harrisburg parents Alvin and Janette Blanco are steaming in anger because their three-year-old toddler, Leroy, pulled a Newt Gingrich.



Named after Republican politician Newt Gingrich, who is known to flip flop more than Elliot Spitzer caught in a sting, a ‘Newt Gingrich’ refers to the act of changing one’s mind for no valid reason whatsoever.

“Two weeks ago, the little bastard started crying and throwing a fit because he wanted a Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle LEGO set, so we finally got him one today,” Alvin fumed, his hands wound up in fists. “And now, all of a sudden, he doesn’t want one anymore!”

He continued, “Now the little piece of shit—I should have used a condom—wants a friggen Yogi Bear doll instead!”

After calmly discussing the situation, Alvin and Janette eventually decided to give in and get Leroy the doll he wanted, but by then, he wanted a stuffed animal instead.

Leroy has since been put up for adoption.

Moral of the story: America can see right through you, Newtie Pie Honey Bun. I suggest you stop bullshitting, lest we let the Chinese adopt your tubby ass.

Brief News: Palin Skips Whitehouse, Eyes God’s Seat Instead

Friday, March 25—Having decided that the White House is beneath her, former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has opted instead to form an exploratory committee to determine whether God’s seat in Heaven is worthy enough for her royal presence.



“The White House is to Sarah Palin what a retirement home is to Oprah Winfrey,” Tea Party spokesman Andrew Breitbart told reporters early Friday. “They just aren’t meant for one another.”

Tasked with leading the committee, Breitbart has already begun raising funds for Palin’s campaign to oust God and take over as the universe’s supreme leader. Since Palin hasn’t yet declared her candidacy, Breitbart refuses to reveal whether he’s been successful thus far. However, insiders report that he has in fact already secured funds from the likes of Satan, the ghost of Saddam Hussein, and a bunch of dead Jihadists.

There are also rumors circulating that republican columnist Ann Coulter donated a whopping $100,000 to Palin’s campaign. Coulter denies this, but her written words suggest otherwise.

“This whole Socialist, Commi love thy neighbor and love thy enemy crap has to stop, and Sarah Palin is just the person to make it happen!” Coulter wrote in her column Thursday. “So get off your lazy asses and text SCREWGOD to 66666.”

She added, “As true Christians, it’s about time we take back our universe!”

Moral of the story: The White House is to Sarah Palin what the moon and the stars are to a physically handicapped 12-year-old boy. Not only is she way beneath it, but she’ll never ever rise up enough to reach it.

Brief News: World Rejoices As Obama Bowls A Perfect 300 Amid Ensuing Apocalypse

Thursday, March 24, 2011 marked a momentous occasion for the world as President Barack Obama managed to tune out the ensuing apocalypse around him and bowl a perfect 300.



According to the only other remaining reporter, Richard Engel (aka the Chuck Norris of live reporting), nothing was able to stop Obama from bowling strike after strike—not even Godzilla ravaging Tokyo, King Kong climbing the Empire State Building, aliens invading from outer space, sharks eating innocent terrorists, Charlie Sheen shooting torpedoes out his ass, and babies turning into human-eating zombies.

“There’s nothing quite like a president who can stay so calm and focused during a time of crisis,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced the following morning at the White House, which sadly had been reduced to a pile of debris courtesy of a UFO laser beam. “You’d think the entire world falling apart would freak a guy out, but no . . . not our president!”

He continued, “What a swell guy!”

Moral of the story: Perhaps President Obama could try just a tadddddd bit harder, aye? :-)

Brief News: Obama Faces Many Questions Regarding ‘Operation Ice Cream’

President Barack’s Obama’s decision last Saturday to launch ‘Operation Ice Cream’ has democrats and republicans alike scratching their heads in confusion and frustration. The initiative, backed by General Davis Petraeus, mandates that all stateside Marines collect as much ice cream as is humanely possible.



“So many unresolved questions still remain,” Ohio Democrat Dennis Kucinich grumbled to reporters. “Why do they need to collect ice cream when it’s still snowing outside? Where should they store all this ice cream? And what type of ice cream do they need to collect? Snow cones? Floats? Soufflés? Gelatos? Sherbets? Sorbets? Sundaes?”

He continued, “I mean, what the hell?”

Despite the many questions, President Obama has yet to provide a clear reason for the initiative. Some politicians suspect that Obama is trying to save Americans from experiencing a brain freeze, but most believe that Obama is attempting to destroy the ice cream industry by buying so much ice cream that Ben and Jerry are left with nothing to sell.

“None of it makes any sense,” MSNBC political analyst Pat Buchanan remarked on Friday’s edition of ‘Morning Joe.’ “Why does Obama have our Marines scouring the United States for ice cream when he could have just sent someone to shoot Ben and Jerry, and been done with it all?”

There has been some talk on Capitol Hill of sending French mercenaries to assassinate the two, but even that idea displeased Buchanan.

“That’s like expecting a dumbass dog to unwind itself from a tree; it’s just not happening.”

Moral of the story #1: What’s our end goal for Libya!?
Moral of the story #2: Pat Buchanan is the MAYNE!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope you guys enjoyed that. I want to quickly thank a few people who either directly or indirectly assisted me this week, including my good friend Scott Fullmer (Cesar Millan, Trump) and MSNBC correspondent Mika Brzezinski (“Pull a Newt”). I also wanted to cover republicans digging the biggest hole ever (Ed Schultz), Forbes voting Gaddafi as the world’s richest asshole, and HAM (really, Kanye? Personally, I’d rather go pork—piss on rich Kochs!), but I just didn’t have the time.

PS #2 – I’ll pay $50 to anyone willing to assassinate my dog. All you got to do is run over her and then drive off before the police arrive. Hollacha’ boy.

PS #3 – Though Pat Buchanan is the MAYNE, he is admittedly still a republican scumbag, roflol j/k. But at least he ain’t a pot-smoking, lazy-ass, and excuse-making liberal piece of shit like me, and you know that’s right! Speaking of which, I’m really really really sorry to my orthopedic surgeon for not making any payments. Dude… I got all the love in the world for you, but I am SOOOOO not giving up my Friday pizza nights just to pay you . . . it’s just not happening! Once I get rich and famous, umma hollatcha’ n settle my tab. Till then, you just be patient now, kk?

PS #4 – Do you guys ever pay attention to my images? Right click and look at the URL sometime. Pay attention in particular to the NAME. I try to give them all funny names. I especially like the name I gave to the ice cream, lol. It’s damned funny, in my opinion!

PS #5 – It’s possible I may take next week off, though God Willing I will not! I hate to admit this, my 95% of my self esteem comes from this crap. And yes, I know I got issues. Well, I usually have issues, but nothing . . . I ain’t got no issues cuz I feel like a million bucks. Hell yeah, baby!

Well, that’s it for tonight. Enjoy yoselves n PARTY HARD!

March 18th | Pretty Girl Rock (Keri Hilson) - Women’s Empowerment 2011

Evening! I chose this song to honor the Women’s Empowerment 2011 Expo, which will be going down this down Saturday at the RBC Center, courtesy of Radio One Raleigh. Keep in mind that this Expo is designed to honor women, not bitches . . . yeah, so no female dogs are welcome ;-) (Anne Coulter!).

Anyway. I hope everyone had a nice week. As usual, I intend to drop a boatload of left-leaning satire. One of these days I’ll drop a right-leaning piece, but that day is not going to be today :-). I genuinely don’t mean to be so left sided, but it’s hard to make fun of democrats, though Anthony Weiner may one day soon become a target, lol. (WEINER!)

And oh, the main satire piece has a few solid jokes, but it’s definitely a tad more serious than usual. Just remember that satire need not necessarily always be a laugh riot.

Brief News: Lisa Lampanelli Gives Birth To Whole African Family

Late Thursday evening, stand-up comedian Lisa Lampanelli gave birth to 33-year-old Ambiola Kiognozi, his wife Hlengwie, and their two sons, Tapiwa and Taonga.



According to Lampanelli’s primary care physician, Dr. Harrison, Ambiola and his wife Hlengwie are fraternal twins who were conceived 33-1/2 years ago.

“Over the years, Lisa became so fat and bloated from overeating that she never even realized that she was pregnant,” Dr. Harrison explained. “And since no doctor was present to guide Ambiola and Hlengwie into the world, they were literally lost in the large and gloomy cavern that is her vagina.”

Through the years, the twins gradually charted their way out by using Lisa’s voice to guide them toward the light emanating from her vaginal opening. Unfortunately, Lisa’s vagina was so frequently stuffed with the dicks of black men that the voyage took an exceedingly long time to complete.

According to Ambiola, who managed to teach himself English by listening closely to Lisa’s voice, it was an incredibly difficult journey that required navigating through piles of used condoms, rivers of menstrual fluid, and mounds of dried-up, black men semen.

“We just so happy we finally here,” Ambiola told reporters.

He continued, “It smell much better out here than it did in there!”

Moral of the Story: Lisa Lampanelli has a really f**king big vagina! And African folks hella incestuous, son! (J/K)

Brief News: Michele Bachmann Wins Scott O'Dell Award for Historical Fiction

Minnesota U.S. Representative Michele Bachmann has won this year’s Scott O'Dell Award for Historical Fiction. She won the prize for her “remarkable ability” to spontaneously craft intricately detailed fictional worlds that go perfectly in stride with her political positions.



"Miss Bachmann's remarkable ability to literally come up with a completely fictional world at a moment's notice is absolutely amazing," O'Dell Committee chairperson Hazel Rochman told reporters. "She possesses a talent for historical fiction that would make the greats like Sir Walkter Scott, Leo Tolstoy, and even Mark Twain weep in utter and complete reverence."

Bachmann's archrival, New York U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner, was especially impressed with her tremendous abilities.

"I'm completely blown away by her talent and passion for historical fiction," he remarked to a Fox News correspondent. "And to think this whole time I thought she was just spewing total bullshit."

Bachmann went on to celebrate her victory by reciting her own version of the Gettysburg Address, in which the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, decreed that "all men are created equal, except for black people, brown people, poor people, gay people, and aliens—both the illegal types and the ones in those little green suits."

Moral of the story: Though Bachmann is quite fine for her age, she’s bat-shit crazy.

Brief News: America Chastised For Playing Supercop

The city of Earth suffered a tremendous setback late Thursday when its favorite citizen, young little America, was grounded for one whole week due to her bad habit of playing Supercop despite numerous warnings to stop.



"I've absolutely had it with her ass!" her father exclaimed to reporters. "No matter how many times I lecture her, she just doesn't get it."

Every time he lets her out to play, she goes out of her way to help random people throughout the neighborhood. Though he's certainly impressed with her humanitarian nature, her exploits are costing the family an egregious amount of money.

"Just last week, America took over $200 from our family piggybank to buy a ladder so she could get old Miss Libya's cat out of a tree," her father said, wiping tears of frustration from his eyes. "If she keeps this up, we won't even have enough money left to get our own little kiddy cat, Miss Perty, from out a tree, let alone feed her!"

America has thus far not been taking the news well. According to her father, she's been stomping her feet on the ground, making mean faces, and even yelling out naughty curse words. He hopes that, in due time, she calms down and realizes the lesson.

"If not," he said, "then I'll have no choice but to whoop that ass!"

Moral of the story: I feel for the people of Libya, but if we don’t stop policing the world, we may one day end up being the ones who need policing. You know, instead of starting more and more wars, how about we END some wars!?

Arizona Man Celebrates His Transcension From Worthless Human To Person

Phoenix—Former construction worker Joey Teller Inc., 33, threw a lavish party Friday afternoon to celebrate his transcension from a worthless human being into a person with something to offer the world.



The joyful event was marked with the giving of rare gifts such as leopard skin rugs and baby seal slippers; the playing of games such as Hit The School-Teacher Piñata and Pin The Tail On The Homeless Bum; and the doling out of checks to Joey Teller Inc’s republican friends, many of whom are suffering difficult times and could therefore use a little financial boost to help clear their heads.

“After wasting the last thirty-three years of my life as a worthless and lazy human being who contributed absolutely nothing to society, I cannot begin to tell you how good it feels to finally be a person,” Joey Teller Inc. told a small crowd of other persons at the gathering. “I just wish I could share this moment with my mother and father, but they’re worthless humans, and frankly, it just wouldn’t have felt right inviting a species so beneath us to such a prestigious celebration.”

Joey Teller Inc. went on to describe his former life as a worthless human being. Before becoming a person, he had wasted ten years building homes that’ll eventually get destroyed by a natural disaster; procreating with his worthless wife; and raising his even more worthless, physically handicapped daughter. The two have since been seized and deported to a place humans call a homeless shelter.

“It’s a shame that my former wife and daughter couldn’t come along with me on this journey, but it’s for the best,” Joey Teller Inc. explained. “As a person, I’ve come to realize that a family is in fact nothing more than a gang, and by golly, I don’t want to be a gang leader.”

The celebration culminated with the Holy Sacrifice Of The Baby, in which Joey Teller Inc. was required to drown a cabbage patch doll in a tub full of money. It’s a symbolic exercise designed to teach new persons that money precedes everything, including but not limited to worthless humans, worthless animals, and the most worthless of all: planet Earth.

“It’s very important that Joey Teller Inc. understand that everything can and must be sacrificed for the betterment of our financial profits,” Joey Teller Inc’s mentor, Barry Simpson Inc., later explained to reporters. “You see, unlike those worthless humans, we persons know the meaning of sacrifice.”

Immediately following the celebration, Joey Teller Inc. sat down with his republican friends to negotiate his Person Benefits Package. In addition to the customary benefits, including large tax cuts and the right to mow down humans in a riding lawnmower (it’s a tradition, much like playing golf and having affairs with illicit mistresses), Joey Teller Inc. was also granted access to the Golden Throne, a gold-encrusted toilet entrusted to the asses of only the most deserving persons.

Afterward, Joey Teller Inc. proceeded to have his own little private celebration by taking a royal shit while sipping on Chardonnay. His time on the Golden Throne was unfortunately cut short, however, by a loud and obnoxious band of humans who abruptly showed up to spew anti-person hatred and intolerance.

Led by human spokesman Stephen Myers, the unruly mob claimed that it was because of the purported greed of persons like Joey Teller Inc. that state employees are being laid off, funding for state universities is being cut, and Medicare patients are being denied dental care.

“There’s more to life than just profits!” Myers and his goons alleged.

“What a bunch of rubbish!” Joey Teller Inc. shouted back at them, while using a life-sized fly swatter to ward off protesters. “If it weren’t for our profits, you lowly humans wouldn’t be able to able to enjoy our high-quality, garden-fresh processed foods; our delicious and life-enhancing cigarettes; or our sacred tanning booths, which, by the way, Dr. Anne Coulter says can help cure cancer.”

Thankfully, the protest was soon after dispersed courtesy of Phoenix’s police force, who themselves were then asked to leave because they too were humans.

“If these pathetic humans would just give up their foolish dreams of finding some intrinsic value in being a human, maybe they’d finally shut up and give up this futile battle against us persons,” Joey Teller Inc. later told reporters.

He continued, “I mean, it’s not like they have the power to change anything.”

Moral of the story 1: Corporations are like vampires, except that instead of sucking blood, they suck the life out of people. America is becoming exceedingly sick and tired of their crap, and if they don’t get it together soon, they’re going to have to learn the hard way. Yo, ya'll don’t rule this country; We the HUMANS do! Remember that.

Moral of the story 2: "The beauty of me is that I am very rich." (Trump) Well, the beauty of me is that "I got twice the dick, and you can believe that!" Chump! :-)

---------------------------------

Well, I hope ya’ll enjoyed that. It definitely wasn’t my best, but at least I didn’t take the week off like two lazy guys I know named Jonathan and Steve ;-).

PS #1. One strategy I use to write my satire is to get away from the computer. I’ll take a notebook and pen and just go lie somewhere and think. For some odd reason, doing this helps me SOMETIMES—but not always. Sometimes I just need to sleep it off. Other times I just need to go play with the dog, assuming she’s not being a stubborn little asshole.

PS #2. Lol @ Laundry theft on Primetime. I've had the opposite problem --> women's underwear showing up in my laundry (when I used to live in an apt complex). Despite my sometimes somewhat flamboyant ways, I am neither gay nor transexual, assholes! LOL. Speaking of females, I got to talk one-on-one with one Thursday. And then Friday I got to say hi to a really cute one as she was walking, and then later I saw another cute one walking from her car. To a lamer like me, this is like the most action I’ve had in long-ass time! Let me tell you something, folks . . . I’m living the good life this weekend!

PS #3. I read some nut-job jabber today about how the upcoming Arms Trade Treaty will take awake Americans’ right to arm themselves. Look, geniuses, according to the Associated Press, which is a legitimate news organization (??? @ Wordpress Blogs), the treaty “would meet two objectives: regulate the legal trade of conventional weapons by requiring countries to track arms exports and imports, and help fight illicit trade.”

I know guns are really important to you, but nobody is trying to take away your guns. The U.N. is just trying to root out something called corruption. Please stop listening to the conspiracist theorists; they’re f**king crazy!

And this isn’t a liberal/republican issue, because I would gladly fight by your side if the government really did try to take away our guns. I don’t have a gun at the moment, but if I ever become a father, you can bet your ass I’ll likely get one!

PS #4. I want to give a shout-out to Charlie Sheen. I’ve made it to Round 3 of the #TigerBlood Internship. I highly doubt he’ll choose me, what with my lack of social media experience, but it was an honor to take part and make it this far. Thank you, Mr. Sheen, and God Bless!

PS #5. I want to give a special shout-out to Troop 41, a local rap trio who premiered on BET’s 106 and Park this Monday. Exactly a decade ago, Petey Pablo put Raleigh on the hiphop map, and after years of struggle—during which a bevy of upcoming groups like Famm Click and Justyle Ent have paved the way—a group has finally managed to bring us back into the spotlight. Cheers and right on @ Troop 41!



And I realize I probably sound like a 12-year-old girl, but I don’t care. I love hiphop, and I especially love North Carolina hiphop. In the words of DJ Khaled, “We takin’ overrrrrrr!”

And oh, a final shout-out to a really awesome lady who said “You have talent” several months ago when my hand was still broken. Appreciate it! By the way, I still can’t flex my pinky like I used too, but I don’t care! So long as I can type, lift weights, and *cough* other things *cough* (lol), I’m cool! The great thing is that due to the type of wound I sustained, I can one day claim to my grandchildren that I got it from whooping some dude’s ass, hahah.

March 11th | Help Somebody (Earth Wind & Fire)

Good Evening, Raleigh and world.

Before I begin, I want to offer my prayers, blessings, and condolences to everybody who was affected by the horrendous earthquake and subsequent tsunamis that struck on Friday. It’s a very sad and unfortunate situation that reminded many people, including myself, of how lucky we are, even though our lives do still suck ;-):

“Last night, our only means of transportation broke down and I found out it's going to cost about 2 grand to fix. I'm disabled and my wife is a school teacher, so we live paycheck to paycheck. I thought we were in some bad business until I saw this (this morning). It really puts things into perspective. At least we have a roof over our heads, our kids are healthy and we have each other. My heart goes out to these people.”

That’s very endearing and exactly on point. Our tribulations suck, but they certainly don’t suck as much as the tribulations that the Japanese are currently facing. That being said, I chose this song to remind everybody of the importance of reaching out to help other people. I myself constantly make every excuse in the book (e.g., I’m too shy, I don’t have a car, I’m too broke) to avoid helping others, but it’s time to reach out.

So I would like to invite everyone who wants to make a difference to choose from the following:

#1. Text the word "Japan" to 80888 to make a $10 donation to support efforts by The Salvation Army.

#2. Sign up to sponsor an international child, courtesy of George Noory.

#3. Volunteer, mentor, etc.

As for me, I will do my part to help this world by bumming ever more cigarettes to the annoying guy down the street. I may be helping him get cancer, which is a bad thing, but at least I’m helping him, damnit! (j/k)

-----

I know many of you are sick of hearing about Charlie Sheen, but I’m not! Unlike everyone else, who apparently believes he’s a crazy nutjob, I think he’s just a fun-loving guy who likes to sometimes take things to the extreme. He’s no different than surfer Laird Hamilton, who likes to surf on the ocean, except that he prefers surfing on a sea of tranquility while wielding a sharpened machete and drinking some delicious Tiger Blood. If that isn’t the very definition of a fun time, then I just don’t know what is!

However, as much as I like the guy, nobody is exempt from being satirized. Sorry Charlie, but it’s your turn tonight!

Other than that, I hope everyone had a nice week! And oh, my main satire piece this week targets people who think Sharia Law is creeping into America (lights up a blunt). It’s never been here, it’s not here now, and it will never be here. Mark my words. Fascism, on the other hand . . . well, that’s a totally different story. My piece also targets Peter King, whom I feel is a grizzly, old hypocritical ass. In fact, it primarily targets him.

Brief News: Charlie Sheen Relapses From Winning



Early Thursday Morning, Charlie Sheen suffered an intense emotional relapse from winning, during which his belief that he was winning was suddenly replaced with the sudden and paranoid fear that he was losing. “I woke up and it suddenly hit me—I have a fridge full of pudding pops but nobody to eat them, one of my goddesses ran off with $5000, and my crotch itches from gonorrhea,” Sheen announced at a press conference later that afternoon.

Inspired by the counterfeit realization, Sheen called his ex-wife to talk with his children, kicked out all his gold-digging goddesses, and scheduled a meeting with addiction specialist Doctor Drew Pinsky. He even wrote apology letters to CBS and Warner Brothers.

Thankfully, Sheen finally regained his senses later that night courtesy of one pound of cocaine, two cases of coca cola, and an intimate one-on-one conversation with his rehired goddess, Natalie Kenly. Together, the two went on to free all the animals at the San Diego zoo, cure world poverty, and eventually fly off unto the heavens on a flying elephant.

Sadly, upon waking up the following morning, Sheen suffered yet another relapse.

“Why is there an elephant with cardboard wings in my room!?” he was heard yelling from his bedroom.

Moral of the story: Cocaine is a helluva drug!

Brief News: Newt Gingrich’s Penis Honored At White House Award Ceremony

(No Relevant Picture)

Washington—Newt Gingrich’s penis, Lil Newt, was awarded a Medal of Patriotism by President Barack Obama Thursday night for his brave actions during the Vaginal Crisis of 1980, in which he single handedly thwarted terrorist vaginas from unleashing what could have been a deadly wave of venereal disease on the American population.

According to official government records, Lil Newt used his illustrious charm to establish a relationship with the aforementioned vaginas. Unbeknownst to them at the time, he had doused himself with penicillin, which they mistook for lubrication. One by one, he went on to penetrate them and unleash his lube-like agent, thereby permanently extinguishing the threat of what could have been a national venereal emergency of epic proportions.

“In 1980, Lil Newt went where no penis has ever gone before—deep into the cavernous recesses of the most dangerous vaginas to ever threaten our great country,” President Obama said at the ceremony. “If it were not for his unbridled passion for the United States, only God knows how many men would have become victims to venereal disease.”

Obama went on to kneel before Newt Gingrich and place the Medal of Patriotism on Lil Newt, who stood excitedly erect in salute.

The President later told reporters, “Newt Gingrich is a slimy ass who’s full of shit, but Lil Newt . . . well, he’s a motherf**king patriot, my brothas!”

Moral of the story: Newt Gingrich is a slimy ass who’s full of shit!

Brief News: John Boehner Blames President Obama For Unscooped Dog Poop



House Speaker John Boehner blasted President Obama Thursday afternoon for not picking up the mounds of rotting, worm-infested dog poop that line America’s lawns.

“The Obama administration has consistently made no attempt to clean up all this dog crap,” Boehner said. “God knows how many times I’ve been late to work because I accidentally stepped in some dog shit.”

According to a report released by Boehner’s office, the vast quantity of unscooped dog poop has caused a whopping 25% decrease in national productivity due to employers showing up late, which in turn has led to a 5% decrease in GDP. Boehner contends that if Obama doesn’t fix this problem, and fix it soon, the United States may go down in a stinking pile of flaming dog shit.

Boehner also went on to blame Obama for “all these damn roaches” in his house, his wife’s poor cooking skills, and his poor performance in the bedroom.

“Just knowing that Obama is my president makes me impotent,” he said. “And that’s not my fault; that’s Obama’ fault!”

Moral of the story: I really want to like Boehner because he’s clearly a sensitive guy, and I find that to be endearing, but why does he keep having to act like a douche!? Dude… ever heard of Wall Street speculation!?

Republicans Continue Searching For Sharia Law Despite Setbacks



Washington—A group of republicans who set out two weeks ago to once and for all discover where Sharia Law is hiding in America returned to the capital Thursday evening in defeat. Led by New York House Representative Peter King, the group had traveled to every state and searched every nook and cranny, only to ultimately come up short.

“Despite all the help we were offered by local law enforcement agencies throughout the country, and despite all our scrupulous efforts, I’m saddened to say that we have failed,” Representative King told reporters early Friday morning. “I mean we literally searched everywhere—behind the beer in people’s refrigerators, inside their pot bags, in their porn directories (in case it’s hiding as a virus), and even inside gay bars—but we found nothing . . . absolutely nothing!”

Though Representative King has suffered a frustrating setback, he plans to pull up his britches and continue forward with the next phase of his mission. Having failed at finding Sharia Law via traditional investigative methods, King hopes to employ the assistance of alternative investigators like UFO specialists, Catholic exorcists, and, of course, the notorious Miss Cleo, who joined his team Friday afternoon.

“I may not have been able to find Rosemary’s baby or that big hairy brotha who climbed the Empire State Building with that poor little white girl, what her name is, but I’ll be damned if I can’t find me this pesky Sharia Law,” Miss Cleo muttered with a ridiculously thick accent to reporters via the phone. “By the way, what this Sharia Law thing and it got anything to do with them lawsuits against me?”

With such absolutely brilliant experts at hand, King is clearly prepared to carry on with his hunt for Sharia Law. However, he may end up not being able to continue if others have their way. Ever since the start of the search, a grass roots movement to stop the investigation has been brewing in the streets. They claim that King is being unfair by merely searching for Sharia Law, when he should, according to them, also be searching for Redneck Law as well.

They cite the case of Aladdin Hamed, a 22-year-old college student who stopped at a quaint diner while on a road trip last summer, only to be kidnapped by a group of radicalized country bandits who had come under the seductive influence of Redneck Law, and subsequently forced to engage in a bevy of sick and disgusting activities.

“It was horrible, absolutely horrible,” Hamed told investigators, while wiping tears from his eyes. “They made me do all these weird things like drink this nasty beer called Busch Light, hunt a frog with this thing called a gig, make really corny jokes about black people, and swear an oath of fealty to their God, Larry the Cable Guy.”

Adding to the fuel is a January 2011 terrorism statistics report in which it was revealed that since the attacks on the Twin Towers and Pentagon, only 45 people have come under the influence of Sharia Law, whereas over 80 people (including the aforementioned bandits) have come under the influence of Redneck Law.

“It is clear to us that the threat of Redneck Law is just as dangerous, if not more so, than the threat of Sharia Law,” said grass roots spokesman Ellison Keith. “For every radicalized Shariast who forces women to cover their faces, there are two radicalized Rednecks who convince barely legal teenagers to undress on camera so that they can later play the videos back to young, impressionable pubescent boys who foolishly believe they’ll be given 72 virgins when they turn 21.”

He continued, “What we need here is a thorough search that encompasses all forms of anti-American laws, including Redneck Law, which, if I may add, is likely hiding behind the cheap beer in people’s refrigerators.”

However, Representative King dismissed Ellison’s argument, claiming that Redneck Law poses no real threat to America.

“Redneck Law is a baseless fad just like the Irish Republican Army,” King argued. “Sharia Law, on the other hand, is an evil boogie man entity that’s hiding right underneath our beds.”

BREAKING NEWS (Early Saturday): Peter King has just discovered that Sharia Law has in fact been hiding up his ass the whole time. Unfortunately, the technology required to retrieve it from his ass does not yet exist.

Moral of the story: Sharia Law doesn't exist in the United States and Peter King is a hypocritical ass, in my opinion.

---------------------------------------------------

Well, I hope everyone enjoyed my weekly dose of satire. If you think it sucked, don’t feel bad because you’re not alone. I haven’t been in a good mood this week, which is why I’m ever-so glad the weekend has finally arrived!

PS #1 – I want to apologize for the abundance of possible grammar errors. I’m having a lot of difficult dealing with issues like past tense vs past participle vs past perfect. It’s a part of the English language that has always caused me a tremendous deal of grief. Lately I’ve become obsessed with getting the correct tense, and it’s made the process of writing a good piece that much harder. OCD sucks!

PS #2 – I am in no way, shape, or form affiliated with The Onion, so please don’t send them any annoying emails about me. I’m a fan of them to an extent, and I certainly emulate their style to an extent, but I’m my own man with my own balls, penis, and style. Plus I hope to one day out-wit their asses. They’re good, but I want to be BETTER!

PS #3 – Affiliate marketing works. I’ve been running an affiliate site for about 3 months now, and though sales are very slow, I’m still making money. Most people give up, but the trick is to stick with it. I barely do any work on it each week (add a piece here, add a backlink there, etc.), but it’s slowly adding up. It’s a very tedious process that requires building a website, creating useful content, building backlinks, and setting up these annoying things called link wheels, but it works. Keep in mind it can take up to two years of trial and error to begin making substantial profits.

I’m really enjoying affiliate marketing, though, because I’m learning so much in the process. It was a HUGE CHALLENGE to learn how to design a decent looking website with WordPress (I am a horrible designer), but I pushed forward and I taught myself—just like I’m teaching myself to write satire. I’d love to have a mentor to guide me because I get really confused, frustrated, and angry sometimes, but my Mama didn’t raise no motherflunking punk. I’m a winner. And I don’t snort cocaine ;-).

PS #4 – Excuse my drunken, overly confident slang talk, but umma keep grinding til I get what I want. So keep on haters. Just keep in mind that my autistic brain makes it very difficult for me to understand vague messages. I’m great at writing satire, but I’m shitty as hell at understanding it. Most satire makes me literally scratch my head in confusion. To be honest, when I write satire, I focus on delivering a message through great jokes. But when I read satire, I just focus on finding great jokes. It’s a weakness I need to work on.

PS #5 – Here is a list of Glenn Beck's Top 10 Racist Quotes courtesy of Miss Jodi Berry from FOXY 107.1 / 104.3 FM, Raleigh’s top R&B station!

Night!

And I meant no disrespect with the Redneck jokes. I think Larry the Cableguy is HILARIOUS, and I think Jeff Foxworthy is a standup man, though he’s certainly not smarter than a 5th grader ;-).

FINAL MESSAGE:

Dear Charlie Sheen,

HIRE ME! I have no social skills whatsoever, but I can make people laugh! Plus I got a GREAT IDEA on how you can get another million Twitter followers. Have a $500 competition in which your fans and FUTURE FANS (wink wink wink) are tasked with coming up with a new slogan for you besides WINNING.

Yep.... I can rock your world, Charlie. Just ask the dude below.

March 4th | Charles in Charge Theme Song (Charlie Sheen) -- WINNING!

Good Evening, Raleigh! I chose this song because Charlie Sheen is my hero. Some people say that he’s crazy, but I think they’re the ones who’re crazy. The guy has 82 million dollars, no job (anymore), no kids (anymore), and a house full of hot goddesses, Grade-A cocaine, and mmm-mmm delicious coca cola. No, Charlie Sheen isn’t crazy. Charlie Sheen is a motherf**king genius! You know, all you fathers out there who’re sick and tired of your kids could learn something from him . . .

Anyway. Before I begin, I want to assure everyone that I was merely jesting when I drunkenly claimed that I avoid mentoring children because they mean absolutely nothing to me. The real reasons I don’t mentor children are because I don’t have a car, kids make me nervous, and, more importantly, kids f**king lie, man! Some kid will end up claiming I touched him. Dude, I was just trying to swat a poisonous-looking spider off your ass! Shit, you should be rewarding me with a hug!

Brief News: Raleigh Dog Sets Guinness Record For ‘Biggest Belly-Rub Slut’



Late Thursday afternoon, Guinness World Records awarded a new record for the ‘Biggest Belly-Rub Slut’ to a 3-year-old German shepherd from Raleigh, North Carolina. The promiscuous pup, Sheila, managed to beat the likes of Kim Kardashian, Margaret Cho, and even Buffy the Body by earning the most belly rubs in a 24-hour period. “The things this little slut will do for a tender belly rub boggle the mind,” said her owner Victor, who wasn’t the least bit surprised that she won. “First she’ll whine and nibble at your shoes, but after awhile she’ll just lie back, spread her legs, and look at you with the sluttiest eyes on Earth.” Sheila celebrated her victory by lying next to Victor, spreading her legs wider than a German acrobat, and begging for yet another tender belly rub.

Moral of the story: My dog is a slut.

Unborn Baby With One Arm, One Eye, And One Leg Shares Its Opinion On Abortion



Columbus—Early Wednesday, an unborn and unnamed baby known by anti-abortion activists simply as ‘The One’ (and not just because it currently only has one eye) arrived at the Ohio Statehouse to testify against abortion using kick language. It was part of a move by the anti-abortion organization Right2Kick to permanently outlaw abortion by proving once and for all that babies are unequivocally against it.

The proceeding began at 9:00 a.m. sharp with 'The One's' mother, 34-year-old Stephanie Isicoff, proving she was pregnant by undergoing an in-court ultrasound courtesy of Doctor Huck Thune. Right2Kick President Melissa Jackson then took the floor to introduce herself.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Melissa Jackson and I am the founder of Right2Kick, an anti-abortion organization that believes every unborn child has the right to be heard," Melissa explained to a courtroom chockfull of reporters, court workers, Right2Kick activists, and, of course, 'The One.' "We feel that just because an unborn baby lacks fully developed arms, ears, eyes, genitals, legs, a mouth, and a brain doesn't mean it doesn't have an opinion."

"So in 2010 my staff and I set out to find a way to communicate with an unborn baby," she continued amid gasps of shock and confusion, "and a year later we stumbled on kick language, a revolutionary new form of nonverbal communication that allows an unborn baby to respond to a question with a yes, no, or unsure answer by merely delivering a kick to the right, left, or middle of its mother's belly."

Melissa then went on to introduce 'The One,' whom she claimed was chosen for his "extraordinary kicking abilities"; describe the questioning process, which had been thoroughly checked beforehand by a third-party scientist hired by Ohio's Republican Party; and list out her other capabilities (just in case this didn't work out), which included the ability to also speak with the dead. Whether or not a spirit knocks a lamp over to the right or left can indicate a yes or no answer.

Following the introductions, 'The One' was ordered to swear an oath by kicking a Bible that was placed on his mother's stomach. The questioning began immediately afterward.

"Would you like to be aborted?" Melissa asked.

The court stood motionless and quiet as 'The One' reflected on the question for approximately thirty minutes, during which time its mother gently rubbed the left side of her belly; she had a stomach ache. Then at approximately 10:15 a.m., 'The One' delivered a quick left kick, causing Right2Kick members to erupt into cheers of jubilation. 'The One' went on to deliver two more right kicks, one left kick, and two middle kicks, but they were attributed to its excitement, as it had just become the first baby to ever testify in court.

After the commotion settled, Melissa went on to ask four more questions:

"Is abortion moral?"

"Is abortion Godly?"

"If you were to one day become pregnant by rape, assuming you're born a girl, would you consider aborting your baby?"

"Is there any reason on Earth for which you would permit the horrendous act known as abortion?"

'The One' took twenty to thirty minutes per question to deliberate, but he always answered with a left kick. And each left kick was subsequently followed with another batch of excited left, right, and middle kicks. Strangely enough, its mother's stomach ache didn't finally settle down until right after the last question was answered.

Regardless, 'The One' officially cemented Right2Kick's stance that all babies are indeed against abortion. All that remains now is for the evidence acquired at the proceeding to be forwarded to the Supreme Court, which Melissa hopes will rule to permanently outlaw abortion all across the United States.

"I cannot even begin to express how happy I am at this moment," Melissa later told reporters. "With the help of the 'The One,' we finally have everything we need to put an end to the sick and twisted lies of the pro-choice movement."

"I mean really, who can possibly deny such irrefutable evidence?"

Moral of the story: Unborn babies shouldn’t be called into court.

Brief News: Study — Man Who Think Hard Fart Deadly Onions



A study conducted by professors from the Adler School of Rectal Psychology has led to the discovery that thinking heavily during times of great duress can produce torpedo-like onion farts that could potentially paralyze or even fatally impale a predator or opponent. “By merely focusing one’s mind, men and women can in fact direct their rectal muscles to manifest fully ripe onions right out of thin air, and then fire them out of their rectums like cannonballs,” said Professor Seymore Butts. He and his colleagues hope to use their newfound knowledge to empower the elderly, disabled peoples, women, and even weak men (especially those who can barely bench 185 pounds) with the onion-fart-producing meditation techniques needed to protect themselves. “Everybody deserves the right to be safe—even pathetic men who punch likes girls,” he said.

Moral of the story: If you can’t fight them, praise them!? (in regard to the Onion)
Moral of the story 2: Instead of attacking opponents with your fist, attack them with your mind!

Brief News: Mike Huckabee Gets Foot Stuck In Mouth During Game of Kickball



(I couldn’t piece together a good pic for this.)

While playing kickball with his grandchildren Friday afternoon, Mike Huckabee overreached his leg and accidentally got his foot stuck in his mouth. “Daddy has been practicing with us everyday for two months, and he was getting really, really good,” said one of his grandsons. “But this week he just hasn’t been the same.” According to his doctor, he’s suffering from political tendonitis, a rare condition in which a politician gets so stressed out that he temporarily loses the ability to properly coordinate his leg muscles. Assuming Huckabee is willing to sit back, take a deep breath, and regain his composure, he should be able to recover in due time. However, the condition could worsen if he keeps denying it, as he’s sadly been doing thus far. “It’s definitely not a good situation to be in,” said his doctor, “but at least he isn’t suffering from political stupiditus, in which a stressed out politician loses control of his mouth; that’s the worst!”

Moral of the story: Mike Huckabee done lost his fragernackle mind. Get it together, Huck!

--------------------------------------------------------

I hope you guys enjoyed that! In case people from the Onion really read my stuff, I want to apologize for copying your format. Please consider it a compliment, as I’m really not trying to get sued :-). And oh, I’d be interested in working for ya’ll on a freelance basis, assuming you offer me some decent cash. I ain’t a gold digger, but I ain’t tryna’ be a broke n****. As for contacting me, uh . . . try Facebook.

PS #1. The reason I was able to write so much this week is because I was off from work. My main employer is currently doing back-end upgrades. Sadly, I’ll be back to work next week, which means you shouldn’t expect the same level of quality! I’m not the friggen energizer bunny!

PS #2. I chose not to discuss politics this week because it seems pointless to merely regurgitate stuff that I’ve heard other people say. Starting from this week, assuming I don’t get distracted along the way, I hope to SATIRIZE what I hear instead of just repeating it in my own words. Wish me luck, ya’ll! And in case the Onion turns me down, I may just look into starting my own satire website/magazine (pshhh… I can’t even sell e-cigarettes). Ehh fudge… I’ll probably just keep doing what I do best: writing! I wasn’t born to market, advertise, and sell. I was born just to write…

PS #3. Check out another one of Raleigh’s finest, James Barnes, aka Blackstorm. His song The Streets is straight up fire! CAROLINA WE STAND!

PS #4. I discovered today that YouTube rapper 50 Tyson, whom many people including myself have mocked, has autism just like me. I feel like such an ass for having laughed at him. Though his skill level is still very underdeveloped, realistically speaking, I truly hope and pray that he continues to work hard, so that he may one day find true success in that which he loves—music. You got my unlimited support, 50 Tyson!

PS #5. Pizza Hut sucks! I waited an hour 15 minutes for my order, only to discover they screwed it up. So I called them back, and they promised to send a replacement in 45 minutes so long as I didn’t eat anymore than 1 slice. So I did as they said. Guess what happened? It took another hour 15 minutes to arrive, and they ended up letting me just keep both pieces. If I had enough time left (I lost a LOT of valuable time), I’d have written a satire about it! I have a fear of doorbells and knocks (they surprise me, and I HATE HATE HATE being surprised), so I had to wait by the door the entire friggen time!

Anyway. Sorry for the rant, ya’ll.

Night all!

And oh, click this picture if you want to purchase some GRADE-A satire!



Shouts Out: Early Mornin’ w/ OG Big Willy Badass Geist, Morning Joe, K97.5, Lizard Lick, Coast to Coast w/George Noory & George Knapp (The Curious Georges!), Baisden Live w/George Willborn, everybody at MSNBC, everybody at CNN, Obozo (not Obama; Obozo is the guy at the corner store), PRESIDENT Obama, and women who go to work without underwear. God bless you ladies!