What it do, Raleigh and crew? I was going to take this week off due to a lack of good ideas, but thanks to some last-minute inspiration, I’ve managed to put together a semi-decent set of satire. And to please conservatives, I’ve even written a right-leaning piece that makes fun of the fact that Obama was working on his Final Four picks and mingling with Brazilians as hell was unfolding all across the world. Keep in mind that as a staunch Obama supporter, I support his decision to fly to South America to help cultivate job growth. Nevertheless, even our dear, sweet president isn’t exempt from being blasted.
Unfortunately, all my pieces today are brief. The truth is that writing a feature piece is extremely difficult. If I wanted to, I could turn every single one of these brief pieces into feature pieces, but I just don’t have the time, the energy, or the capital. Though I live a fairly stress-free life, or at least in comparison to the average adult’s life, I’m still constantly overcome with stress and anxiety. Suffice it to say, I have too many personal problems and too much stress to drop HOT FYA every week.
Sadly, I will not be blasting Chris Brown. I wanted to do a piece about him or his fans (Chris Brown Throws Fit After Suffering Diaper Rash; Chris Brown Fans Make Suicide Pact), but too many people I know and respect support his bitch ass. Therefore, I’m going to let him off the hook, though I personally think he’s a spoiled, immature little brat who needs to grow the f**k up. However, I used to be the same way (and I still am, in some regards), so I’ll lay off.
Let’s get to the fun stuff! And oh, I hope everybody had a nice week.
Brief News: Cesar Millan Reveals New Dry Hump Technique For Dealing With Stubborn Bitches
World-renowned dog psychologist Cesar Millan, better known as the ‘Dog Whisperer,’ has revealed a new dog training method designed to subdue even the most stubborn female dog. Dubbed the ‘Dry Hump Technique,’ the method consists of mounting a dog from behind while clothed, and subsequently humping it.
“There’s no better way to put a bitch in check than to straight up hump her,” Cesar told reporters. “It worked on my dog, it’ll work on your dog, and it might even work on Snooki.”
Cesar accidentally stumbled on the ingenious method in late 2010, when, during a moment of extreme passion, he decided to relieve his tension by dry humping his dog’s furry butt. Amazingly enough, the rather disturbing action had the serendipitous side effect of completely taming his previously misbehaving dog.
“For some odd reason, grinding my balls against her sweet ass [sic] had this mind-blowing affect on her psyche,” Cesar explained. “Since that day, she’s been following directions better, and she’s completely stopped peeing indoors.”
Inspired by the results, Cesar developed the ‘Dry Hump Technique’ and began creating videos, pamphlets, and books detailing how to perform it correctly. It’s his sincerest hope that dog owners armed with this technique can finally hump their stubborn, won’t-listen-for-shit dogs into total and complete submission.
“And if my method doesn’t work, then I suppose folks could just try just humping their bitches the good old fashioned way, but I wouldn’t recommend it,” Cesar added.
Moral of the story: There is none, lol. And no, I have never dry humped my dog, though I have dry humped my pillow on several occasions.
Brief News: Obama to Trump — Take Off The Wig
Washington—President Barack Obama has called on U.S. business mogul Donald Trump to take off his wig and reveal to America that he’s “in fact balder than a monkey’s ass.”
“Look, I’ve seen a lot of wigs and weaves in my day,” Obama said Thursday on ABC’s ‘The View,’ nodding his head at his wife Michelle, who replied with a quick flick of her middle finger, “and I’m 100% positive that the thing on the Donald’s head is either a wig or a chipmunk in hibernation.”
A self-proclaimed ‘baldino,’ Obama is one of hundreds of democrats who believe that Trump went bald in the late 80s, but is too craven to admit it. Trump has denied the allegations and even successfully passed a DNA hair test, but the issue continues to haunt him on the job front nonetheless.
“I was trying to negotiate this 20 million dollar real estate contract with this guy, but he kept asking me whether my hair is real,” Trump complained to reporters. “Even after I showed him my DNA test results, the crazy bastard still didn’t believe me!”
He continued, “I mean, what the hell do I have to do to prove this is my real hair?”
Moral of the story: You ain’t the only “smart guy” who can peddle bullshit, Baldie Mc Fattie Burger!
Brief News: Parents Really Pissed At Toddler For Pulling A Newt Gingrich
Pennsylvania—Harrisburg parents Alvin and Janette Blanco are steaming in anger because their three-year-old toddler, Leroy, pulled a Newt Gingrich.
Named after Republican politician Newt Gingrich, who is known to flip flop more than Elliot Spitzer caught in a sting, a ‘Newt Gingrich’ refers to the act of changing one’s mind for no valid reason whatsoever.
“Two weeks ago, the little bastard started crying and throwing a fit because he wanted a Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle LEGO set, so we finally got him one today,” Alvin fumed, his hands wound up in fists. “And now, all of a sudden, he doesn’t want one anymore!”
He continued, “Now the little piece of shit—I should have used a condom—wants a friggen Yogi Bear doll instead!”
After calmly discussing the situation, Alvin and Janette eventually decided to give in and get Leroy the doll he wanted, but by then, he wanted a stuffed animal instead.
Leroy has since been put up for adoption.
Moral of the story: America can see right through you, Newtie Pie Honey Bun. I suggest you stop bullshitting, lest we let the Chinese adopt your tubby ass.
Brief News: Palin Skips Whitehouse, Eyes God’s Seat Instead
Friday, March 25—Having decided that the White House is beneath her, former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has opted instead to form an exploratory committee to determine whether God’s seat in Heaven is worthy enough for her royal presence.
“The White House is to Sarah Palin what a retirement home is to Oprah Winfrey,” Tea Party spokesman Andrew Breitbart told reporters early Friday. “They just aren’t meant for one another.”
Tasked with leading the committee, Breitbart has already begun raising funds for Palin’s campaign to oust God and take over as the universe’s supreme leader. Since Palin hasn’t yet declared her candidacy, Breitbart refuses to reveal whether he’s been successful thus far. However, insiders report that he has in fact already secured funds from the likes of Satan, the ghost of Saddam Hussein, and a bunch of dead Jihadists.
There are also rumors circulating that republican columnist Ann Coulter donated a whopping $100,000 to Palin’s campaign. Coulter denies this, but her written words suggest otherwise.
“This whole Socialist, Commi love thy neighbor and love thy enemy crap has to stop, and Sarah Palin is just the person to make it happen!” Coulter wrote in her column Thursday. “So get off your lazy asses and text SCREWGOD to 66666.”
She added, “As true Christians, it’s about time we take back our universe!”
Moral of the story: The White House is to Sarah Palin what the moon and the stars are to a physically handicapped 12-year-old boy. Not only is she way beneath it, but she’ll never ever rise up enough to reach it.
Brief News: World Rejoices As Obama Bowls A Perfect 300 Amid Ensuing Apocalypse
Thursday, March 24, 2011 marked a momentous occasion for the world as President Barack Obama managed to tune out the ensuing apocalypse around him and bowl a perfect 300.
According to the only other remaining reporter, Richard Engel (aka the Chuck Norris of live reporting), nothing was able to stop Obama from bowling strike after strike—not even Godzilla ravaging Tokyo, King Kong climbing the Empire State Building, aliens invading from outer space, sharks eating innocent terrorists, Charlie Sheen shooting torpedoes out his ass, and babies turning into human-eating zombies.
“There’s nothing quite like a president who can stay so calm and focused during a time of crisis,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced the following morning at the White House, which sadly had been reduced to a pile of debris courtesy of a UFO laser beam. “You’d think the entire world falling apart would freak a guy out, but no . . . not our president!”
He continued, “What a swell guy!”
Moral of the story: Perhaps President Obama could try just a tadddddd bit harder, aye? :-)
Brief News: Obama Faces Many Questions Regarding ‘Operation Ice Cream’
President Barack’s Obama’s decision last Saturday to launch ‘Operation Ice Cream’ has democrats and republicans alike scratching their heads in confusion and frustration. The initiative, backed by General Davis Petraeus, mandates that all stateside Marines collect as much ice cream as is humanely possible.
“So many unresolved questions still remain,” Ohio Democrat Dennis Kucinich grumbled to reporters. “Why do they need to collect ice cream when it’s still snowing outside? Where should they store all this ice cream? And what type of ice cream do they need to collect? Snow cones? Floats? Soufflés? Gelatos? Sherbets? Sorbets? Sundaes?”
He continued, “I mean, what the hell?”
Despite the many questions, President Obama has yet to provide a clear reason for the initiative. Some politicians suspect that Obama is trying to save Americans from experiencing a brain freeze, but most believe that Obama is attempting to destroy the ice cream industry by buying so much ice cream that Ben and Jerry are left with nothing to sell.
“None of it makes any sense,” MSNBC political analyst Pat Buchanan remarked on Friday’s edition of ‘Morning Joe.’ “Why does Obama have our Marines scouring the United States for ice cream when he could have just sent someone to shoot Ben and Jerry, and been done with it all?”
There has been some talk on Capitol Hill of sending French mercenaries to assassinate the two, but even that idea displeased Buchanan.
“That’s like expecting a dumbass dog to unwind itself from a tree; it’s just not happening.”
Moral of the story #1: What’s our end goal for Libya!?
Moral of the story #2: Pat Buchanan is the MAYNE!
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I hope you guys enjoyed that. I want to quickly thank a few people who either directly or indirectly assisted me this week, including my good friend Scott Fullmer (Cesar Millan, Trump) and MSNBC correspondent Mika Brzezinski (“Pull a Newt”). I also wanted to cover republicans digging the biggest hole ever (Ed Schultz), Forbes voting Gaddafi as the world’s richest asshole, and HAM (really, Kanye? Personally, I’d rather go pork—piss on rich Kochs!), but I just didn’t have the time.
PS #2 – I’ll pay $50 to anyone willing to assassinate my dog. All you got to do is run over her and then drive off before the police arrive. Hollacha’ boy.
PS #3 – Though Pat Buchanan is the MAYNE, he is admittedly still a republican scumbag, roflol j/k. But at least he ain’t a pot-smoking, lazy-ass, and excuse-making liberal piece of shit like me, and you know that’s right! Speaking of which, I’m really really really sorry to my orthopedic surgeon for not making any payments. Dude… I got all the love in the world for you, but I am SOOOOO not giving up my Friday pizza nights just to pay you . . . it’s just not happening! Once I get rich and famous, umma hollatcha’ n settle my tab. Till then, you just be patient now, kk?
PS #4 – Do you guys ever pay attention to my images? Right click and look at the URL sometime. Pay attention in particular to the NAME. I try to give them all funny names. I especially like the name I gave to the ice cream, lol. It’s damned funny, in my opinion!
PS #5 – It’s possible I may take next week off, though God Willing I will not! I hate to admit this, my 95% of my self esteem comes from this crap. And yes, I know I got issues. Well, I usually have issues, but nothing . . . I ain’t got no issues cuz I feel like a million bucks. Hell yeah, baby!
Well, that’s it for tonight. Enjoy yoselves n PARTY HARD!
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