Before I begin, I want to offer my prayers, blessings, and condolences to everybody who was affected by the horrendous earthquake and subsequent tsunamis that struck on Friday. It’s a very sad and unfortunate situation that reminded many people, including myself, of how lucky we are, even though our lives do still suck ;-):
“Last night, our only means of transportation broke down and I found out it's going to cost about 2 grand to fix. I'm disabled and my wife is a school teacher, so we live paycheck to paycheck. I thought we were in some bad business until I saw this (this morning). It really puts things into perspective. At least we have a roof over our heads, our kids are healthy and we have each other. My heart goes out to these people.”
That’s very endearing and exactly on point. Our tribulations suck, but they certainly don’t suck as much as the tribulations that the Japanese are currently facing. That being said, I chose this song to remind everybody of the importance of reaching out to help other people. I myself constantly make every excuse in the book (e.g., I’m too shy, I don’t have a car, I’m too broke) to avoid helping others, but it’s time to reach out.
So I would like to invite everyone who wants to make a difference to choose from the following:
#1. Text the word "Japan" to 80888 to make a $10 donation to support efforts by The Salvation Army.
#2. Sign up to sponsor an international child, courtesy of George Noory.
#3. Volunteer, mentor, etc.
As for me, I will do my part to help this world by bumming ever more cigarettes to the annoying guy down the street. I may be helping him get cancer, which is a bad thing, but at least I’m helping him, damnit! (j/k)
-----
I know many of you are sick of hearing about Charlie Sheen, but I’m not! Unlike everyone else, who apparently believes he’s a crazy nutjob, I think he’s just a fun-loving guy who likes to sometimes take things to the extreme. He’s no different than surfer Laird Hamilton, who likes to surf on the ocean, except that he prefers surfing on a sea of tranquility while wielding a sharpened machete and drinking some delicious Tiger Blood. If that isn’t the very definition of a fun time, then I just don’t know what is!
However, as much as I like the guy, nobody is exempt from being satirized. Sorry Charlie, but it’s your turn tonight!
Other than that, I hope everyone had a nice week! And oh, my main satire piece this week targets people who think Sharia Law is creeping into America (lights up a blunt). It’s never been here, it’s not here now, and it will never be here. Mark my words. Fascism, on the other hand . . . well, that’s a totally different story. My piece also targets Peter King, whom I feel is a grizzly, old hypocritical ass. In fact, it primarily targets him.
Brief News: Charlie Sheen Relapses From Winning
Early Thursday Morning, Charlie Sheen suffered an intense emotional relapse from winning, during which his belief that he was winning was suddenly replaced with the sudden and paranoid fear that he was losing. “I woke up and it suddenly hit me—I have a fridge full of pudding pops but nobody to eat them, one of my goddesses ran off with $5000, and my crotch itches from gonorrhea,” Sheen announced at a press conference later that afternoon.
Inspired by the counterfeit realization, Sheen called his ex-wife to talk with his children, kicked out all his gold-digging goddesses, and scheduled a meeting with addiction specialist Doctor Drew Pinsky. He even wrote apology letters to CBS and Warner Brothers.
Thankfully, Sheen finally regained his senses later that night courtesy of one pound of cocaine, two cases of coca cola, and an intimate one-on-one conversation with his rehired goddess, Natalie Kenly. Together, the two went on to free all the animals at the San Diego zoo, cure world poverty, and eventually fly off unto the heavens on a flying elephant.
Sadly, upon waking up the following morning, Sheen suffered yet another relapse.
“Why is there an elephant with cardboard wings in my room!?” he was heard yelling from his bedroom.
Moral of the story: Cocaine is a helluva drug!
Brief News: Newt Gingrich’s Penis Honored At White House Award Ceremony
(No Relevant Picture)
Washington—Newt Gingrich’s penis, Lil Newt, was awarded a Medal of Patriotism by President Barack Obama Thursday night for his brave actions during the Vaginal Crisis of 1980, in which he single handedly thwarted terrorist vaginas from unleashing what could have been a deadly wave of venereal disease on the American population.
According to official government records, Lil Newt used his illustrious charm to establish a relationship with the aforementioned vaginas. Unbeknownst to them at the time, he had doused himself with penicillin, which they mistook for lubrication. One by one, he went on to penetrate them and unleash his lube-like agent, thereby permanently extinguishing the threat of what could have been a national venereal emergency of epic proportions.
“In 1980, Lil Newt went where no penis has ever gone before—deep into the cavernous recesses of the most dangerous vaginas to ever threaten our great country,” President Obama said at the ceremony. “If it were not for his unbridled passion for the United States, only God knows how many men would have become victims to venereal disease.”
Obama went on to kneel before Newt Gingrich and place the Medal of Patriotism on Lil Newt, who stood excitedly erect in salute.
The President later told reporters, “Newt Gingrich is a slimy ass who’s full of shit, but Lil Newt . . . well, he’s a motherf**king patriot, my brothas!”
Moral of the story: Newt Gingrich is a slimy ass who’s full of shit!
Brief News: John Boehner Blames President Obama For Unscooped Dog Poop
House Speaker John Boehner blasted President Obama Thursday afternoon for not picking up the mounds of rotting, worm-infested dog poop that line America’s lawns.
“The Obama administration has consistently made no attempt to clean up all this dog crap,” Boehner said. “God knows how many times I’ve been late to work because I accidentally stepped in some dog shit.”
According to a report released by Boehner’s office, the vast quantity of unscooped dog poop has caused a whopping 25% decrease in national productivity due to employers showing up late, which in turn has led to a 5% decrease in GDP. Boehner contends that if Obama doesn’t fix this problem, and fix it soon, the United States may go down in a stinking pile of flaming dog shit.
Boehner also went on to blame Obama for “all these damn roaches” in his house, his wife’s poor cooking skills, and his poor performance in the bedroom.
“Just knowing that Obama is my president makes me impotent,” he said. “And that’s not my fault; that’s Obama’ fault!”
Moral of the story: I really want to like Boehner because he’s clearly a sensitive guy, and I find that to be endearing, but why does he keep having to act like a douche!? Dude… ever heard of Wall Street speculation!?
Republicans Continue Searching For Sharia Law Despite Setbacks
Washington—A group of republicans who set out two weeks ago to once and for all discover where Sharia Law is hiding in America returned to the capital Thursday evening in defeat. Led by New York House Representative Peter King, the group had traveled to every state and searched every nook and cranny, only to ultimately come up short.
“Despite all the help we were offered by local law enforcement agencies throughout the country, and despite all our scrupulous efforts, I’m saddened to say that we have failed,” Representative King told reporters early Friday morning. “I mean we literally searched everywhere—behind the beer in people’s refrigerators, inside their pot bags, in their porn directories (in case it’s hiding as a virus), and even inside gay bars—but we found nothing . . . absolutely nothing!”
Though Representative King has suffered a frustrating setback, he plans to pull up his britches and continue forward with the next phase of his mission. Having failed at finding Sharia Law via traditional investigative methods, King hopes to employ the assistance of alternative investigators like UFO specialists, Catholic exorcists, and, of course, the notorious Miss Cleo, who joined his team Friday afternoon.
“I may not have been able to find Rosemary’s baby or that big hairy brotha who climbed the Empire State Building with that poor little white girl, what her name is, but I’ll be damned if I can’t find me this pesky Sharia Law,” Miss Cleo muttered with a ridiculously thick accent to reporters via the phone. “By the way, what this Sharia Law thing and it got anything to do with them lawsuits against me?”
With such absolutely brilliant experts at hand, King is clearly prepared to carry on with his hunt for Sharia Law. However, he may end up not being able to continue if others have their way. Ever since the start of the search, a grass roots movement to stop the investigation has been brewing in the streets. They claim that King is being unfair by merely searching for Sharia Law, when he should, according to them, also be searching for Redneck Law as well.
They cite the case of Aladdin Hamed, a 22-year-old college student who stopped at a quaint diner while on a road trip last summer, only to be kidnapped by a group of radicalized country bandits who had come under the seductive influence of Redneck Law, and subsequently forced to engage in a bevy of sick and disgusting activities.
“It was horrible, absolutely horrible,” Hamed told investigators, while wiping tears from his eyes. “They made me do all these weird things like drink this nasty beer called Busch Light, hunt a frog with this thing called a gig, make really corny jokes about black people, and swear an oath of fealty to their God, Larry the Cable Guy.”
Adding to the fuel is a January 2011 terrorism statistics report in which it was revealed that since the attacks on the Twin Towers and Pentagon, only 45 people have come under the influence of Sharia Law, whereas over 80 people (including the aforementioned bandits) have come under the influence of Redneck Law.
“It is clear to us that the threat of Redneck Law is just as dangerous, if not more so, than the threat of Sharia Law,” said grass roots spokesman Ellison Keith. “For every radicalized Shariast who forces women to cover their faces, there are two radicalized Rednecks who convince barely legal teenagers to undress on camera so that they can later play the videos back to young, impressionable pubescent boys who foolishly believe they’ll be given 72 virgins when they turn 21.”
He continued, “What we need here is a thorough search that encompasses all forms of anti-American laws, including Redneck Law, which, if I may add, is likely hiding behind the cheap beer in people’s refrigerators.”
However, Representative King dismissed Ellison’s argument, claiming that Redneck Law poses no real threat to America.
“Redneck Law is a baseless fad just like the Irish Republican Army,” King argued. “Sharia Law, on the other hand, is an evil boogie man entity that’s hiding right underneath our beds.”
BREAKING NEWS (Early Saturday): Peter King has just discovered that Sharia Law has in fact been hiding up his ass the whole time. Unfortunately, the technology required to retrieve it from his ass does not yet exist.
Moral of the story: Sharia Law doesn't exist in the United States and Peter King is a hypocritical ass, in my opinion.
---------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope everyone enjoyed my weekly dose of satire. If you think it sucked, don’t feel bad because you’re not alone. I haven’t been in a good mood this week, which is why I’m ever-so glad the weekend has finally arrived!
PS #1 – I want to apologize for the abundance of possible grammar errors. I’m having a lot of difficult dealing with issues like past tense vs past participle vs past perfect. It’s a part of the English language that has always caused me a tremendous deal of grief. Lately I’ve become obsessed with getting the correct tense, and it’s made the process of writing a good piece that much harder. OCD sucks!
PS #2 – I am in no way, shape, or form affiliated with The Onion, so please don’t send them any annoying emails about me. I’m a fan of them to an extent, and I certainly emulate their style to an extent, but I’m my own man with my own balls, penis, and style. Plus I hope to one day out-wit their asses. They’re good, but I want to be BETTER!
PS #3 – Affiliate marketing works. I’ve been running an affiliate site for about 3 months now, and though sales are very slow, I’m still making money. Most people give up, but the trick is to stick with it. I barely do any work on it each week (add a piece here, add a backlink there, etc.), but it’s slowly adding up. It’s a very tedious process that requires building a website, creating useful content, building backlinks, and setting up these annoying things called link wheels, but it works. Keep in mind it can take up to two years of trial and error to begin making substantial profits.
I’m really enjoying affiliate marketing, though, because I’m learning so much in the process. It was a HUGE CHALLENGE to learn how to design a decent looking website with WordPress (I am a horrible designer), but I pushed forward and I taught myself—just like I’m teaching myself to write satire. I’d love to have a mentor to guide me because I get really confused, frustrated, and angry sometimes, but my Mama didn’t raise no motherflunking punk. I’m a winner. And I don’t snort cocaine ;-).
PS #4 – Excuse my drunken, overly confident slang talk, but umma keep grinding til I get what I want. So keep on haters. Just keep in mind that my autistic brain makes it very difficult for me to understand vague messages. I’m great at writing satire, but I’m shitty as hell at understanding it. Most satire makes me literally scratch my head in confusion. To be honest, when I write satire, I focus on delivering a message through great jokes. But when I read satire, I just focus on finding great jokes. It’s a weakness I need to work on.
PS #5 – Here is a list of Glenn Beck's Top 10 Racist Quotes courtesy of Miss Jodi Berry from FOXY 107.1 / 104.3 FM, Raleigh’s top R&B station!
Night!
And I meant no disrespect with the Redneck jokes. I think Larry the Cableguy is HILARIOUS, and I think Jeff Foxworthy is a standup man, though he’s certainly not smarter than a 5th grader ;-).
FINAL MESSAGE:
Dear Charlie Sheen,
HIRE ME! I have no social skills whatsoever, but I can make people laugh! Plus I got a GREAT IDEA on how you can get another million Twitter followers. Have a $500 competition in which your fans and FUTURE FANS (wink wink wink) are tasked with coming up with a new slogan for you besides WINNING.
Yep.... I can rock your world, Charlie. Just ask the dude below.
No comments:
Post a Comment