Anyway. I hope everyone had a nice week. As usual, I intend to drop a boatload of left-leaning satire. One of these days I’ll drop a right-leaning piece, but that day is not going to be today :-). I genuinely don’t mean to be so left sided, but it’s hard to make fun of democrats, though Anthony Weiner may one day soon become a target, lol. (WEINER!)
And oh, the main satire piece has a few solid jokes, but it’s definitely a tad more serious than usual. Just remember that satire need not necessarily always be a laugh riot.
Brief News: Lisa Lampanelli Gives Birth To Whole African Family
Late Thursday evening, stand-up comedian Lisa Lampanelli gave birth to 33-year-old Ambiola Kiognozi, his wife Hlengwie, and their two sons, Tapiwa and Taonga.
According to Lampanelli’s primary care physician, Dr. Harrison, Ambiola and his wife Hlengwie are fraternal twins who were conceived 33-1/2 years ago.
“Over the years, Lisa became so fat and bloated from overeating that she never even realized that she was pregnant,” Dr. Harrison explained. “And since no doctor was present to guide Ambiola and Hlengwie into the world, they were literally lost in the large and gloomy cavern that is her vagina.”
Through the years, the twins gradually charted their way out by using Lisa’s voice to guide them toward the light emanating from her vaginal opening. Unfortunately, Lisa’s vagina was so frequently stuffed with the dicks of black men that the voyage took an exceedingly long time to complete.
According to Ambiola, who managed to teach himself English by listening closely to Lisa’s voice, it was an incredibly difficult journey that required navigating through piles of used condoms, rivers of menstrual fluid, and mounds of dried-up, black men semen.
“We just so happy we finally here,” Ambiola told reporters.
He continued, “It smell much better out here than it did in there!”
Moral of the Story: Lisa Lampanelli has a really f**king big vagina! And African folks hella incestuous, son! (J/K)
Brief News: Michele Bachmann Wins Scott O'Dell Award for Historical Fiction
Minnesota U.S. Representative Michele Bachmann has won this year’s Scott O'Dell Award for Historical Fiction. She won the prize for her “remarkable ability” to spontaneously craft intricately detailed fictional worlds that go perfectly in stride with her political positions.
"Miss Bachmann's remarkable ability to literally come up with a completely fictional world at a moment's notice is absolutely amazing," O'Dell Committee chairperson Hazel Rochman told reporters. "She possesses a talent for historical fiction that would make the greats like Sir Walkter Scott, Leo Tolstoy, and even Mark Twain weep in utter and complete reverence."
Bachmann's archrival, New York U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner, was especially impressed with her tremendous abilities.
"I'm completely blown away by her talent and passion for historical fiction," he remarked to a Fox News correspondent. "And to think this whole time I thought she was just spewing total bullshit."
Bachmann went on to celebrate her victory by reciting her own version of the Gettysburg Address, in which the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, decreed that "all men are created equal, except for black people, brown people, poor people, gay people, and aliens—both the illegal types and the ones in those little green suits."
Moral of the story: Though Bachmann is quite fine for her age, she’s bat-shit crazy.
Brief News: America Chastised For Playing Supercop
The city of Earth suffered a tremendous setback late Thursday when its favorite citizen, young little America, was grounded for one whole week due to her bad habit of playing Supercop despite numerous warnings to stop.
"I've absolutely had it with her ass!" her father exclaimed to reporters. "No matter how many times I lecture her, she just doesn't get it."
Every time he lets her out to play, she goes out of her way to help random people throughout the neighborhood. Though he's certainly impressed with her humanitarian nature, her exploits are costing the family an egregious amount of money.
"Just last week, America took over $200 from our family piggybank to buy a ladder so she could get old Miss Libya's cat out of a tree," her father said, wiping tears of frustration from his eyes. "If she keeps this up, we won't even have enough money left to get our own little kiddy cat, Miss Perty, from out a tree, let alone feed her!"
America has thus far not been taking the news well. According to her father, she's been stomping her feet on the ground, making mean faces, and even yelling out naughty curse words. He hopes that, in due time, she calms down and realizes the lesson.
"If not," he said, "then I'll have no choice but to whoop that ass!"
Moral of the story: I feel for the people of Libya, but if we don’t stop policing the world, we may one day end up being the ones who need policing. You know, instead of starting more and more wars, how about we END some wars!?
Arizona Man Celebrates His Transcension From Worthless Human To Person
Phoenix—Former construction worker Joey Teller Inc., 33, threw a lavish party Friday afternoon to celebrate his transcension from a worthless human being into a person with something to offer the world.
The joyful event was marked with the giving of rare gifts such as leopard skin rugs and baby seal slippers; the playing of games such as Hit The School-Teacher Piñata and Pin The Tail On The Homeless Bum; and the doling out of checks to Joey Teller Inc’s republican friends, many of whom are suffering difficult times and could therefore use a little financial boost to help clear their heads.
“After wasting the last thirty-three years of my life as a worthless and lazy human being who contributed absolutely nothing to society, I cannot begin to tell you how good it feels to finally be a person,” Joey Teller Inc. told a small crowd of other persons at the gathering. “I just wish I could share this moment with my mother and father, but they’re worthless humans, and frankly, it just wouldn’t have felt right inviting a species so beneath us to such a prestigious celebration.”
Joey Teller Inc. went on to describe his former life as a worthless human being. Before becoming a person, he had wasted ten years building homes that’ll eventually get destroyed by a natural disaster; procreating with his worthless wife; and raising his even more worthless, physically handicapped daughter. The two have since been seized and deported to a place humans call a homeless shelter.
“It’s a shame that my former wife and daughter couldn’t come along with me on this journey, but it’s for the best,” Joey Teller Inc. explained. “As a person, I’ve come to realize that a family is in fact nothing more than a gang, and by golly, I don’t want to be a gang leader.”
The celebration culminated with the Holy Sacrifice Of The Baby, in which Joey Teller Inc. was required to drown a cabbage patch doll in a tub full of money. It’s a symbolic exercise designed to teach new persons that money precedes everything, including but not limited to worthless humans, worthless animals, and the most worthless of all: planet Earth.
“It’s very important that Joey Teller Inc. understand that everything can and must be sacrificed for the betterment of our financial profits,” Joey Teller Inc’s mentor, Barry Simpson Inc., later explained to reporters. “You see, unlike those worthless humans, we persons know the meaning of sacrifice.”
Immediately following the celebration, Joey Teller Inc. sat down with his republican friends to negotiate his Person Benefits Package. In addition to the customary benefits, including large tax cuts and the right to mow down humans in a riding lawnmower (it’s a tradition, much like playing golf and having affairs with illicit mistresses), Joey Teller Inc. was also granted access to the Golden Throne, a gold-encrusted toilet entrusted to the asses of only the most deserving persons.
Afterward, Joey Teller Inc. proceeded to have his own little private celebration by taking a royal shit while sipping on Chardonnay. His time on the Golden Throne was unfortunately cut short, however, by a loud and obnoxious band of humans who abruptly showed up to spew anti-person hatred and intolerance.
Led by human spokesman Stephen Myers, the unruly mob claimed that it was because of the purported greed of persons like Joey Teller Inc. that state employees are being laid off, funding for state universities is being cut, and Medicare patients are being denied dental care.
“There’s more to life than just profits!” Myers and his goons alleged.
“What a bunch of rubbish!” Joey Teller Inc. shouted back at them, while using a life-sized fly swatter to ward off protesters. “If it weren’t for our profits, you lowly humans wouldn’t be able to able to enjoy our high-quality, garden-fresh processed foods; our delicious and life-enhancing cigarettes; or our sacred tanning booths, which, by the way, Dr. Anne Coulter says can help cure cancer.”
Thankfully, the protest was soon after dispersed courtesy of Phoenix’s police force, who themselves were then asked to leave because they too were humans.
“If these pathetic humans would just give up their foolish dreams of finding some intrinsic value in being a human, maybe they’d finally shut up and give up this futile battle against us persons,” Joey Teller Inc. later told reporters.
He continued, “I mean, it’s not like they have the power to change anything.”
Moral of the story 1: Corporations are like vampires, except that instead of sucking blood, they suck the life out of people. America is becoming exceedingly sick and tired of their crap, and if they don’t get it together soon, they’re going to have to learn the hard way. Yo, ya'll don’t rule this country; We the HUMANS do! Remember that.
Moral of the story 2: "The beauty of me is that I am very rich." (Trump) Well, the beauty of me is that "I got twice the dick, and you can believe that!" Chump! :-)
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Well, I hope ya’ll enjoyed that. It definitely wasn’t my best, but at least I didn’t take the week off like two lazy guys I know named Jonathan and Steve ;-).
PS #1. One strategy I use to write my satire is to get away from the computer. I’ll take a notebook and pen and just go lie somewhere and think. For some odd reason, doing this helps me SOMETIMES—but not always. Sometimes I just need to sleep it off. Other times I just need to go play with the dog, assuming she’s not being a stubborn little asshole.
PS #2. Lol @ Laundry theft on Primetime. I've had the opposite problem --> women's underwear showing up in my laundry (when I used to live in an apt complex). Despite my sometimes somewhat flamboyant ways, I am neither gay nor transexual, assholes! LOL. Speaking of females, I got to talk one-on-one with one Thursday. And then Friday I got to say hi to a really cute one as she was walking, and then later I saw another cute one walking from her car. To a lamer like me, this is like the most action I’ve had in long-ass time! Let me tell you something, folks . . . I’m living the good life this weekend!
PS #3. I read some nut-job jabber today about how the upcoming Arms Trade Treaty will take awake Americans’ right to arm themselves. Look, geniuses, according to the Associated Press, which is a legitimate news organization (??? @ Wordpress Blogs), the treaty “would meet two objectives: regulate the legal trade of conventional weapons by requiring countries to track arms exports and imports, and help fight illicit trade.”
I know guns are really important to you, but nobody is trying to take away your guns. The U.N. is just trying to root out something called corruption. Please stop listening to the conspiracist theorists; they’re f**king crazy!
And this isn’t a liberal/republican issue, because I would gladly fight by your side if the government really did try to take away our guns. I don’t have a gun at the moment, but if I ever become a father, you can bet your ass I’ll likely get one!
PS #4. I want to give a shout-out to Charlie Sheen. I’ve made it to Round 3 of the #TigerBlood Internship. I highly doubt he’ll choose me, what with my lack of social media experience, but it was an honor to take part and make it this far. Thank you, Mr. Sheen, and God Bless!
PS #5. I want to give a special shout-out to Troop 41, a local rap trio who premiered on BET’s 106 and Park this Monday. Exactly a decade ago, Petey Pablo put Raleigh on the hiphop map, and after years of struggle—during which a bevy of upcoming groups like Famm Click and Justyle Ent have paved the way—a group has finally managed to bring us back into the spotlight. Cheers and right on @ Troop 41!
And I realize I probably sound like a 12-year-old girl, but I don’t care. I love hiphop, and I especially love North Carolina hiphop. In the words of DJ Khaled, “We takin’ overrrrrrr!”
And oh, a final shout-out to a really awesome lady who said “You have talent” several months ago when my hand was still broken. Appreciate it! By the way, I still can’t flex my pinky like I used too, but I don’t care! So long as I can type, lift weights, and *cough* other things *cough* (lol), I’m cool! The great thing is that due to the type of wound I sustained, I can one day claim to my grandchildren that I got it from whooping some dude’s ass, hahah.
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