Saturday, April 30, 2011

April 29th | F**k Donald Trump (He So Mean)

Evening folks. This has been an awful week for the South. Hundreds of people died, countless homes were demolished, and yet the devastation continues. I genuinely hate Mother Nature. She’s a bigger bitch than karma; at least karma has a purpose for its actions, however painful they may be at times. Mother Nature, on the other hand, seeks only to wreak havoc on our lives. *shakes my head*

Corrections

1. Last week, I mentioned doing time in Juvy, prison etc. As per the latter, I got involved in a stupid burglary when I was a stupid 18 year old. I could have received probation, but I refused to stop smoking marijuana. When I failed a drug test in court, the judge decided to scare me by handing down a harsh sentence that was rescinded several months later.

So I’m not some sort of criminal, though I do know how to stuff cocaine so deep up my ass that it doesn’t fall out when the C.O. forces me to get naked, bend over, and cough. I also know how to make a shank!



2. I vaguely recall pretending to release my name and picture. GOTCHA’! Yeah, that was just a blurred-up picture of some illegal Guatemalan guy who was trying to surreptitiously advertise his many skills in “costrution, hospitalyty, agrocoltore, and free masonry” on craigslist. Sorry I tricked you, but you should have known better. I’m way better looking than that freak! Speaking of which, forget the illegals; we need to deport the FUGLIES!

3. Last weekend, I fabricated a story about how I abuse my dog. Surprisingly enough, a few people took it to heart. Just to clarify, the only thing I ever do to her that may be construed as inappropriate is pull her ears — kind of like how some parents pull their children’s ears. I only do it if she refuses to pay attention, such as when a squirrel comes bounding around the corner and she insists on trying to chase it. So unless you consider ear pulling and dry humping a form of abuse, I’m innocent, damnit!

The Greatest Controversy of All Time

Now that Obama has released his birth certificate, we can move on to more important conspiracies. Donald Trump has a history of backing democratic causes, which makes me wonder whether he purposefully started this birther fiasco to make the republicans and Tea Party look bad. Am I insane or did I just blow your friggen mind away!?

On a more serious note, Donald Trump is an asshole. The birther issue was one thing, but demanding that the president release his college records is just outright offensive. Trump has managed to transform himself from an annoying but benign slug into a slimy and disgusting blob of oozy slime.

And oh, I heard Trump likes the f word. That’s good to know, because I would like to wish Donald trump a sincere F**K YOU. You, Sir, may be rich, but you aren’t a 1/100th the man President Barack Obama is. Hell, you aren’t even a quarter of the man George W. Bush was! Even worse, you aren’t even 3/4th the lousy piece of shit man I am!



Sorry to be so uncivil, but I’m starting to really dislike this creep.

Pissed-Off Old People

For the past few months, I’ve held the belief that we must immediately reform Medicare and Medicaid. As of this week, however, I’m considering other options. There’s a People’s Budget that proposes resolving our deficit by imposing ridiculously high tax rates and slashing Pentagon spending into dust.

The premise being laid out by some liberals is that Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security aren’t in an immediate threat; we can wait a few years or a decade or two before we tackle them. This would bode well for our aging population, many of whom are trying to survive what are understandably very difficult times.

I have several concerns. We’ve been putting entitlement reform on the back burner for far too long. In addition, the People’s Budget is a mirror reflection of Paul Ryan’s Budget. Whereas Ryan wants to cure our deficit by destroying Medicare and Medicaid, some liberals want to do it by taxing the rich so much so McDonald’s would have to start outsourcing burger makers (don’t ask me how they’d do it).

As far as I’m concerned, both plans are asinine and unrealistic. Like moderate republican Joe Scarborough, I believe in a Grand Bargain that raises taxes, cuts subsidies and loopholes, and tackles entitlements. Both liberals and conservatives must be willing to make concessions for us to get there, though. Otherwise, what the bloody hell is the point of having a Congress!?

That said, I’m with all the grumpy old men and women of America.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE . . . the really, really old people :-)!



The Royal Wedding

I watched the royal wedding up until Kate and William began their ascent to the balcony. Overall, I found it to be rather mesmerizing, though it was also a tad depressing. I’ll tell you this, though: Kate Middleton has won my heart! After seeing her in that wedding dress, I’m in friggen love, man! She was so bloody gorgeous; my God!

I ain’t a prince, I don’t got no money and I’m only 5’10, but I too am going bald. And I would gladly dress up as a prince. Mind you, I’d only do it in the bedroom because I ain’t about to be seen in public like that!

4 real though, I daresay Kate Middleton is the most beautiful woman on Earth. Sighs. *stomps his feet and bangs his hands on the desk* Now I WANT A WIFE!

I’m serious too! Unlike most perverts my age, I actually want to be married. And I expect my wife to be both beautiful and smart. I take a lot of slack for being so picky, but this ManDiva ain’t settling for second best, honey!



Ladies and gentlemen, that is a perfect woman! While little girls are dreaming about having a perfect wedding, I’m dreaming about having a perfect wife!

As for the numerous cynics who have been complaining about the excessive news coverage of the wedding, I want to remind them that this is a 911-year-old tradition. While I realize there are more pertinent things occurring in the world, you must keep in mind that weddings at Westminster Abbey have been occurring since the Middle Ages. That's almost half the length of time it has been since 'Jesus' did his thing.

My only concern is the cost. I don't like that the British people were forced to pay for this wedding while accepting austerity cuts. That's offensive to me, which is why I’ve decided to satirize it!

Unemployed British Student Admits To Having Loved The Royal Wedding

Greater London, U.K—An unemployed British student whose education was cut short as per Prime Minister David Cameron’s austerity cuts — which slashed college funding, housing aid, and public sector jobs — has publicly admitted to having wept in joy when we watched the royal wedding at the Cardinal Hume Centre homeless shelter.



“Man, if I had known how spectacular and breathtaking this wedding was going to be, I would have given up all my dreams and aspirations and become a tramp a long time ago,” said 22-year-old Willie G. Zeitman, who is affectionately known by his indigent companions as ‘Lil Prince William’ because he too likes to do absolutely nothing substantial with his time.

Willie had been pursuing a first-class honours degree in BA journalism studies at City University London, but the sudden spike in tuition fees forced him to put aside his fulltime education and get a job as a wasteman. Then when his job was cut, he moved into a public housing community. Soon after, the housing community shut down and he ended up on the streets.

“Yeah, it kind of sucks to have no possessions and nothing to do, but if you do the math, you’ll see that Prince William and Kate are clearly worth far more than the rest of us millions of commoners,” said Willie.

He added, “Mind you, the only reason they’re worth that much is because we pay their bills.”

Moral of the story: I’m just picking on the fact that the wedding could potentially cost the U.K. an estimated 2.5 to 50 billion USD in lost productivity. And it doesn't help that, according to ABC News, the wedding itself cost between 16 million to 64 million USD. Security accounts for most of the bill, and it is the British people (including the COMMONERS) who must pay for it. Not to sound cynical — I personally enjoyed watching the wedding and I wish William and Kate the best of luck with their new lives — but it seems very screwed up considering all the austerity cuts that have been imposed on the people.

Annoyed Tall Halls Have Had It Up To Here With Funky-Smelling Republicans

Washington DC—Town halls across the United States held a press meeting Friday on Capitol Hill to announce that they are fed up with smelly republicans stinking up their elegant hallways.



“Look, I’ve had a lot of foul liberal smells in my hallway before — unwashed clothes, marijuana smoke, and fear, to name a few — but they were nothing compared to the odor the republicans left this week,” said the Orlanda, Florida Town Hall, which was used this past Tuesday by freshman Republican Congressman Dan Webster to promote House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan's House budget plan. “Webster smelled just like a freshman; he was covered in so much sweat and cologne that it would have taken just one flick of a lighter to start a fire.”

The Town Hall also stated that at least once a week, republicans blow so much gas out their ass that a professional cleaning service must be hired to eradicate the stench.

Paul Ryan himself also came under extreme criticism. According to the Milton, Wisconsin Town Hall, who hosted him earlier this week, Ryan has extremely bad breath.

“Every time the guy opened his mouth, a stream of the most rancid breath began weaving its way all over my hall,” she said. “It boggles my mind to think that anyone out there would support the plan of a guy who doesn’t even know how to use a breath mint!”

She added, “Until he buys some mints, maybe he should just keep his mouth shut.”

Moral of the story: Hey republicans, you stink! Except Joe Scarborough. I personally think he smells okay, though word through the grapevine is that Mika thinks he has bad body odor.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Well, that’s it.

PS #1. I don’t know about you all, but I’m willing to forgive Trump for his transgressions, but first he must apologize for all his bullshit. Until then, he can suck my d***.

PS #2. If you don’t like the Onion and you think they suck, then let them know by filling out this survey. :-)

PS #3. At the Onion: Remember when I said I’d get you back? I GOT YOU BACK, BITCHES! (Assuming the people in Raleigh blow you up with negative, shit-talking reviews. If they don’t, then thank you for breaking my heart, people of Raleigh!)

PS #4. I suffer from penis eyes. My penis is so big that all I see is it sticking up in front of my face. (I’m out of f**king ideas, okay!?)

PS #5. NIGHT!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

April 22nd | Her Body Is A Piece Of Shit (Shallow John)

I chose this song because the few women who have hit me up online have all been . . . well, unacceptable. Now look, I know I don’t deserve a hot woman, but I do deserve a woman who is at least as proportional and DECENT LOOKING as I am. It’s like my Mother says: I’m very handsome (lol).

On the real, I did have one kind-of encounter in the real world, but I was too nervous to do anything. Plus, I was with a friend of mine. And I had no clue that she was interested in me—assuming he’s not lying about her saying ‘hey’ to him and ‘heyyyy’ to me (I’m not ‘deaf,’ but I do have bad hearing). She was a taddd bit too thick, but if it turns out her mother isn’t beefy, I can deal with it (thick women with bovine mothers turn into cows).

Yo, yo, yo, baby! Hit a brotha up… but be more upfront! I lubs me an aggressive woman! Grab my hair and pull it! (lol—getting tipsy, sorry)

Anyway.

Hello! Due to the horrible storms that raged across the Carolinas last weekend, I’ve chosen to only write one brief satire piece. It targets Spike Lee, who, in my opinion, is an uptight ass. He loves to talk shit about Tyler Perry’s purported ‘coonery’, but doesn’t have a damn thing negative to say about Will Ferrell’s buffoonery.

I hate people like him because they are wound up so tight that they don’t know how to just let loose and have fun. I realize Mr. Lee makes incredibly powerful films, but that doesn’t mean every other black producer has to follow his steps. Sorry, Mr. Lee, but some people prefer to laugh and cry versus just cry. I myself am not a fan of Tyler Perry’s work, but many people find humor and spirituality in it, so power to him!

Anyway. Please keep an eye out for my magnanimous return next Friday. In the meantime, I’m going to share some of my self-centered thoughts with the world.

The Storm Of Hell

Last Saturday, Satin bent over, spread his butt cheeks, and blew a storm like no other through Raleigh. It was a horrific event that ripped apart homes, left many others damaged, tore down power lines, and took the lives of 24 people (R.I.P.).

My neighborhood wasn’t the worst hit, but it wasn’t the least hit either. One lady’s upstairs room was torn asunder by a large tree, while another person’s deck completely collapsed. Plus the whole area was covered in debris, electrical wires, and trees galore.

Truth be told, we were lucky. There were no casualties, and we were back to life as usual by Tuesday, when the power, Internet, and cable finally returned. I was especially lucky. The townhouse I rent wasn’t damaged in the slightest bit—no broken windows, no torn shingles, etc.

Nevertheless, I suffered a bit of an emotional breakdown. I was too afraid to mingle with my neighbors Saturday afternoon, and even after I finally summoned the courage to go explore my surroundings, I kept to myself. After we got our power back Sunday, the situation got a bit better, but I was still without Internet and cable.

It was rough. I imagine most of my neighbors fared fairly well without those luxuries, but for me, it was as if I had no voice. I was stuck with a mountain of thoughts clogging my mental pipes. There was no way out but for me to just escape into the fantasy world of my favorite book.

Anyway. I hope everybody is okay. It was a rough weekend that challenged all of us—some more than others (R.I.P.)—but it’s over now!

Before I go, I want to give a huge shout out to Raleigh’s very own flying baby:



Sorry to use a picture of a white baby, but there ain’t a picture ANYWHERE of a flying black baby. White babies can’t jump, and I guess black babies can’t fly!

Who’s The Socialist Now?

A poll this week revealed that 70% of Tea Party members don’t want Medicare and Medicaid touched at all. I don’t necessarily disagree with them, but I find it ironic that the people who most vehemently complain about our ‘Socialist’ government are the biggest proponents of the most ‘Socialist’ programs our government offers! It’s the very definition of hypocrisy.

I don’t want Medicare and Medicaid privatized, but I do want them adjusted. They’re gigantic programs that are growing way too fast. I could be wrong, but I don’t think they’re sustainable—at least not in their current forms. We need to either rebuild our healthcare system from the bottom up or make some major cuts to entitlements. Taxes need to be raised and defense lowered as well, but we can’t just ignore the 5000-pound elephant whose trunk threatens to suck us all up as if we’re big, giant peanuts.

That’s just my opinion, though.

Birtherism Goes National

A lot of States are bringing forth birther legislation, and I find it to be sad and disturbing. It’s a slick attempt to remove Obama’s name from the 2012 ballot. *shakes his head in disgust*. Sighs. At least Bachmann isn’t following the birther movement anymore. Good for her! Sorry to all my liberal peers, but I hate to see a beautiful woman (she’s fine, damnit) acting crazy!

And yes, I’d “shnoop” (Maddow!) Bachmann! Hell, if she let me “shnoop” her, I’d even vote for her! Speaking of which, I’d also be willing to vote for Trump. But I DON’T want to “shnoop” him. Naw… I just want him to buy me a car!

Does Anyone Give A Shit About Autism?

I’m thinking about writing a book on autism. I want to be a satirist with a specialty in politics, but first I need to build some clout and get my name out there. There are a couple problems with this goal, however:

#1. I have Asperger Syndrome, social anxiety, and probably some other shit. And the problem that causes me the most grief is social anxiety. I don’t mind being a freak, but I do hate being a shy freak.

#2. The market is littered with the life stories of autistic people. My brother has sent me like three such books, including one written by some teeny-bopper brat. Excuse me for sounding like a dick, but all three books bored me to death.

#3. I’m different than other folks with Asperger Syndrome. A family friend of mine has it and he has no problem meeting people. In addition, there are some autistic folks whose worlds revolve around pictures. This isn’t the case for me at all. I cannot just close my eyes and pretend I’m on some cozy island because my brain can’t process visuals very well.

#4. How many autistic people have been to juvy, the county jail, prison, and the penitentiary? How many autistic people listen to hip hop and ol’ school r&b. How many autistic people genuinely prefer the company of black people (no offense)? I’m a freak within a freak community. I’m a SUPER FREAK!

#5. I don’t want to write a book full of stupid facts and figures taken from books and articles other people have written. I want to expose the world to the fears that dominate my life. But since these fears are mostly unique to only me, this would be a life story—and I’m too young to write a life story.

#6. Who the hell wants to read my life story!?

#7. Is there a way to use my humor in this book?

#8. Instead of being autobiographical (which would be painful, to be honest), could this instead be a look into autism from a unique perspective, coupled with humor, a few examples from my own life, and some facts and figures?

Many questions and no answers!

Brief News: Spike Lee Releases ‘Spike’s Big Happy Orgasm’

Hollywood, California—After having spent half his life chastising American actor, director, playwright, screenwriter, producer, author, and songwriter Tyler Perry for his purported ‘coonery,’ film director Spike Lee finally gave in to his primordial instincts and released a film featuring himself as a big, black woman with an attitude.



“28 years of producing powerful films that tackle controversial social and political issues like racism and urban crime left me a tense and embittered man who wasn’t even capable of cracking a smile,” Mr. Lee told reporters while getting his hair did at the Sassy Salon on the corner of Crenshaw and Slauson. “But dressing up as a black woman and acting a fool has helped me finally release all that tension and just let loose.”

The film was originally intended to be a fictional tale about an urban black family, but Mr. Lee enjoyed dressing up so much that he decided to turn it into a documentary about his experiences as a black woman instead. And he’s already begun working on the sequel, ‘For Colored Men Who Need To Lighten Up.’

Mr. Lee later added, “You know, if I would have known that acting a fool feels so refreshing to the soul, I would have started engaging in ‘coonery’ a long time ago!”

Moral of the story: Spike Lee needs to lighten up and stop accusing everybody else of being a ‘coon.’ Who does he think he is—Trey Parker and Matt Stone?

------------------------------------------------

That’s it for tonight.

I hope that satire piece wasn’t offensive to the black community. And if it was, I’m sorry, but Spike Lee is acting like a holier-than-thou asshole. Where’s his outrage over Will Ferrell threatening to cut off Conan O’brien’s beard (which was very funny, by the way) or Jimmy Kimmel “shnooping” Ben Affleck (that was awhile ago, but still)?

You know, he acts like black people cannot just let loose and have fun because it’ll make the “community look bad.” That’s very boogie, in my opinion. Plus, Tyler isn’t just funny; he’s also real. Madea is very reminiscent of many people I’ve met—in an exaggerated way, mind you. In fact, Tyler purposefully tries to cover real-life subjects in a manner that is fun and friendly, but also meaningful. What’s so wrong with that?

Anyway.

Night!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

April 15th | For All The Dogs (Poo Fighters)

Evening. This week I’m going very light. I don’t feel like thinking hard or putting together a long spiel with sub-sections and all that bologna. Suffice it to say, this post will be brief and a bit more casual than usual. And the satire will be a bit half-ass and probably really grammatically incorrect.

Here's Looking At You, Kid

My main target tonight is Miss Arianna Huffington. I think she’s the tops and that she has a great top (not too big, not too small), but I also think she’s a bit of the b-word. Mind you, I used to think my Mom was a total b-word because she wouldn’t let me eat cookies before dinner. In fact, I still begrudge her for that . . . but I digress.

Miss Huffington has come under attack by several Huffington Post bloggers who feel that they deserve to be paid for their hard work. While I realize she can’t just hand them all a million dollars each, I do sincerely believe that she could at least negotiate with them to reach a fair solution.

Perhaps bloggers could be given the option to integrate their Google Adsense accounts into their blogs. So if a post were to go viral and earn two million hits, for instance, the blogger would earn a slight profit. Seems simple and fair enough, aye?

Unfortunately, Miss Huffington refuses to budge, and that irritates the hell out of me. Even more annoying is her claim that the purported ‘exposure’ that results from blogging at the HuffPost is plenty enough payment. Bullwinkle squared, my lady!

Exposure is a game of luck. For every person fortunate enough to have his or her piece read by someone special at just the right time, there are countless others whose work will never be given even the slightest glance—despite their innate talents. Plus, when it comes to exposure, our culture tends to reward those with style over substance: Snooki.

Look, Miss Huffington is a liberal lady whom I like, so I’m going to go light and cutesy on her. But I sincerely wish she’d show her workers some love. It doesn’t mean she has to open up her wallet or even flash them (though that would likely win her critical acclaim with Mr. Tasinin). All I ask is that she make a genuine effort to help them earn a living.

Speaking of Tasinini, he kind of sounds like a greedy politician wannabe. That said, I’m more concerned with the countless other bloggers who are trying diligently to gain exposure, but in the meantime could use a little extra money in their pockets. Miss Huffington isn’t obliged to do anything for them, but in my opinion, it would be wrong not to.

Mind you, if Miss Huffington ends up allowing Google Adsense integration and Mr. Tasini decides to continue with his lawsuit regardless, I solemnly swear I will smoke his ass like a blunt!

Digital Media Tycoon Unveils Her “Almighty Presence” To Mainstream Media

New York, NY—At 9:21 PM EST on April 13th, Miss Arianna Huffington, the internationally recognized digital media tycoon who founded The Huffington Post in 2005 and later garnered a reputation as the ‘Queen of All Digital Media Pertaining To Cats, Including But Not Limited To Kitty Cats, Pussy Cats, and Rich Fat Cats,’ revealed to the mainstream media that exposure to her presence has the power to provide Americans with financial security, happy thoughts, and much more.



“I don’t know why, but it appears that whenever men or women spend just five minutes around me, their wallets miraculously fill up with wads of cash,” Miss Huffington told reporters at a press conference outside her headquarters on 675 Sixth Avenue Thursday evening, though her accent was so thick that three translators were required to decipher it. “And oftentimes they even start having many happy thoughts about adorable kittens.”

She continued, "I like kittens!"

Miss Huffington first started noticing the remarkable effects her presence has on people a few months after she launched her news website. Whenever she would venture beyond her office, strange and astounding things would begin to take place all around her.

Convinced that something of a paranormal nature was occurring, Miss Huffington sought out the assistance of UFO enthusiast and Metaphysics Institute School of Paranormal Science professor Eugene Volokh. Over the course of two years, starting from 2008, Professor Volokh followed Miss Huffington and carefully recorded everything that happened around her.

“My meticulous research has led me to believe that Arianna has been granted a great power by God,” he wrote in the latest edition of Strange Magazine, which was published at exactly 7:00 PM EST the night before Miss Huffington came clean to the media.

Volokh went on to cite numerous examples of her power, including one in 2009 when she was driving her car through Time Square, and a homeless man suddenly appeared out of nowhere and began to wipe her windshield.

”I watched in utter astonishment as the dollar bill Arianna was about to give the poor fellow transformed into a hundred dollar bill. It was the most endearing experience that I’ve ever had.”

During his tenure with Miss Huffington, Volokh has also witnessed orphans being united with their formerly deceased parents, squished bugs springing back to life, and people who had no chance of winning lawsuits actually winning them.

And though actual scientists have yet to verify his claims, Volokh contends that Miss Huffington’s presence also has the power to make men and women’s sperm and ovaries more virile. Even more astonishing is Volokh’s claim that Miss Huffington’s presence can cause a neutered or spayed dog’s reproductive organs to reform.

Unfortunately, Miss Huffington’s presence has also rendered a bevy of unwanted side effects over the years. For instance, just two weeks ago her presence transformed 55-year-old Jonathan Tasini from a successful writer into a “modern day village idiot” who now lives in a cardbox box outside Miss Huffington’s main office building.

Her presence has also made gay men straight and straight dogs gay. Even worse, it transformed what was once a luxury cruise ship into a slave ship manned by what are now 3,000 talking cats.

“There are obviously some complications that must still be sorted out, but as Professor Volokh made abundantly clear in his article,” Miss Huffington explained to reporters, while pointing to the latest edition of Strange Science, “this power was given unto me by God himself to cure all of mankind’s ills.”

She added, “Plus, it’s not my fault that I’m like amphetamine to those who bathe in my almighty presence!”

Moral of the story #1: Exposure ain’t all that it’s cut out to be :-).

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry to go light for the folks who read this junk. I just wasn’t feeling it this week. One idea I did have, however, was to write a piece entitled, “Elderly Man Finally Beats Street Fighter 2 With New Obama Character.” The premise was that this old dude has been trying to beat M Bison for years, but to no avail. Then suddenly Nintendo releases an SF2 upgrade with a Barack Obama character, and using this character, the elderly man finally wins the game. It was basically meant to parody Mr. Obama standing up for old people.

PS #1

I don’t like that the only way to become a HuffPost blogger is to first write a bunch of comments. I’m a writer, not a friggen socialist social person er whatever. I don’t particularly care about commenting on other people’s work or building “relationships.” I just want to write, expose myself (especially my penis), and hopefully get “discovered,” though I’ve been fruitlessly praying for that for years.

PS #2

I’m very proud of my president, Mr. Barack Obama. I think he put forth a great budget proposal earlier this week. Mind you, it needs adjustments, because 4 trillion doesn’t cover even 33% of our deficit. However, it’s a great starting point, and I love that he said he won’t tolerate the privatization of Medicare and Medicaid. And I especially love that he’s prepared to finally let the Bush Era Tax Cuts expire. Thank you, Sir!

Mind you, I believe that he should also raise the retirement age and incorporate means testing for Medicare and Medicaid. Plus, it would help if he ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. But that’s merely my opinion.

PS #3

I’m extremely glad that Mitt Romney has decided to run for president. He’s a republican, which means I’m not going to vote for him, but at least he’s a good guy. He’s sane, intelligent, and all around decent. And frankly, I wouldn’t mind having him as president, though I would clearly prefer Obama. Regardless, I’d rather Obama lose to a dignified man than win against a bunch of idiotic lunatics like Bachmann, Trump, and Huckleberry Birther Bee.

PS #4

I’m disappointed that the bill that was passed last week only clears us of about 300 million. Some say it’s a baby step, but I disagree. It’s more like a fetus step! It’s absolutely nothing! Not to place blame, but if the republicans stopped trying to impose their religious beliefs on people, perhaps we could actually formulate a decent budget-reduction plan!

PS #5

A show called ‘The Game of Thrones’ will launch on HBO this Sunday. Check it out. It’s based on George R.R. Martin’s ‘Song of Ice and Fire’ series. I myself am not sure if I’ll watch because I’m about to start Book 4 of the series (and I’m not one for the rewind button), but I definitely recommend it to history and fantasy fiction fans alike!

PS #6

The reason I got upset at Miss Huffington is because she and many others have this false belief that we all work so passionately for free because we just love it. Yes, I myself enjoy writing satire, but I’m not doing it for nothing. Do I look like Jesus? I am doing it because I want to get noticed and hopefully ‘discovered’ one day. In the meantime, I’m content with just refining my craft.

However, some of the folks at the HuffPost aren’t content any longer. And truth be told, I at least earn SOMETHING for my posts. I put them all up on AssociatedContent, which just paid me $19 today for the views I garnered last month. It’s not much, but it’s something.

Rich people act like money is so irrelevant, but that’s because they don’t know what it means to pay a bill. Granted, rich people work very hard, but if we had all the doors open that they do, we too would be working just as hard. Unfortunately, we’re limited in resources and contacts.

I may sound like a big baby or a whiner, but I’m just keeping it 100% real. Mind you, I already know the conservatives will eat me up, but I’m feeling spicy and juicy, so take a bite, bitcheszzzzz :-).

PS #7

Last but not least, Mika Brzezinski just released a new book: Knowing Your Value: Women, Money and Getting What You're Worth. I have no intention of reading it because I don’t have a vagina (though I’ve been asking Santa for one for years!), but I thought I’d recommend it because she’s the tops! Plus, she has a better top than Miss Huffington; no offense!

Speaking of Miss Brzezinski, if you happen to be reading this, then I wonder if perhaps you could hook me up with your publishing agent, lol. I got some book ideas I want to bounce off someone who knows what they’re doing. Friends are cool and all, but they’re really useless when it comes to advancing one’s career!

And speaking of Miss Huffington, if you happen to be reading this, I want to urge you to think about what I wrote today. More importantly, if you feel lonely, depressed, and cold tonight while you lie in your humongous feather bed in your over-air-conditioned apartment mansion condo thingamajig, then shot me a holler (wink wink)!

Hey… nerd love is just as good as regular love!



On the real, though, just show your workers some love, damnit! And if you can’t do that little, then I’m afraid I’ll have to respect you a little less. And I can’t imagine how heartbreaking that must be for you, lol.

NIGHT!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

April 8th | All My Friends; Wait, I Don't Have Any Friends! (LED Soundsystem)

Evening, folks. I chose the above song because the Morning Joe crew really likes it, but I chose to satirize it because I DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, lol.

I have a lot to things on my mind tonight, so I’m going to break down my initial thoughts into sub-sections.

Introduction

I hope everybody had a great week. To be honest, I had quite a bit of extra time on my hands this week due to my main supervisor being on vacation, so I went ahead and wrote some extra material, including an ‘interesting facts’ piece and an op-ed piece. These are new styles for me, so don’t expect anything even remotely good. In fact, expect something very bad and extremely offensive. Sorry in advance.

What’s An American?

Today, my main target are people who equate being American with some cookie-cutter image of what they perceive an American should be. I was inspired by all the people who incessantly complain that Hispanics are ruining the “American culture.” Despite their claims otherwise, there is no set ‘American culture’—and that’s in fact what makes this such a beautiful country.

It just so happens that the most anti-Hispanic folks are typically rather white and rather country. As such, my feature piece may sound like I’m making fun of country white folks—and well, I am. Not all of you, though. I’m just making fun of the ones who think their culture is the one and only true ‘American culture.’ The rest I respect and admire and love to death, and I hope they respect me as well.

And remember, I’m a comedy writer, folks. My job is to make fun of people and places. And though your culture and way of life may be my target today, I promise you that it’s nothing personal.

Speaking Of Hispanic Illegal Alien Americans

First of all, just because somebody is from south of the border doesn’t mean he or she is an illegal alien. That the aforementioned people equate all Hispanics/Latinos/Columbians/Chupacabras with illegal immigration greatly offends me.

Just to let you know, I live by a brown-skinned, likely-Hispanic-but-could-be-Latino family, and they are the nicest people on Earth. The parents are friendly, the kids are well behaved, and even the dogs are polite. Compared to them, my obnoxious dog and I are the ones who deserve to be deported!

No Tea For Me

I’m a bit upset at the Tea Party. Their ‘shut em down’ attitude toward the government annoys me, their belief that any job that doesn’t produce something material is worthless offends me, and their desire to deregulate Wall Street and regulate the vagina infuriates me. I realize Raleigh is a southern town with a likely deep-rooted Tea Party affiliation, but I have to be real: Ya’ll piss me off! Mind you, I’m certain I don’t make your day either :-).

Keep in mine one of my pieces kind of “talks mad shit” about the Tea Party. Sorry again (innocent angel face).

Captain Courageous

Though cutting Medicare and Medicaid would hurt a lot of people, I’d be up for it (which pits me against MANY liberals), except for the fact that, according to The Washington Post’s Ezra Klein, “Ryan’s proposal lowers corporate taxes and taxes on the wealthy, extends the Bush tax cuts permanently, calls for repeal of both the health care law and Dodd-Frank financial reform law, and freezes discretionary spending at 2008 levels.”

Basically, Paul Ryan wants to bless the rich and wealthy while screwing over the bottom tiers of society. How sweet of him.

That reminds me. I don’t know how I’m going to achieve it, but I promise that this year I will not only pay nothing in taxes, but I’ll get a 60% return on what I made last year. I don’t care if I have to come up with the most ridiculous deductions on Earth:

  • office assistant pay (the money I spend to feed and care for my dog)

  • pubic hair grooming (gotta look good for my clients)

  • and Morning Joe bereavement (therapy fees for the depression that resulted from watching Paul Ryan on MSNBC)


In all seriousness, I wish the democrats would at least consider his proposal, and then follow it up with intense negotiation. Unfortunately, he’s been dismissed altogether, which means we’re—as usual—going to get nowhere!

Dear Mr. Donald Trump: CUT IT OUT ALREADY!

Look, maybe Obama wasn’t really born in the United States. If you want to prove it, then assemble enough facts and bring your case to the Supreme Court. Otherwise, shut the hell up. Just like an ADA cannot win a cased based on circumstantial evidence, you cannot convince the American public that Obama was born in Kenya unless you cite REAL EVIDENCE.

It’s your choice, man. Either way, I don’t care because I’m not going to vote for you regardless. Your bushy hair and fat wallet make me jealous, your self-centered ramblings make me (a guy who worships House, for God’s sake) nauseous, and besides, I think you’re the antichrist.

Donald
surname, from 13c. Scot. Dofnald, Dufenald, probably from Gael.
Domhnall, O.Ir. Domnall (pronounced "Dovnall"), from Proto-Celtic
*Dubno-valos "world-mighty, ruler of the world,"
from *walos "ruler" PIE *dheub- (see deep).

Now that’s what I call proof!

Brief News: Superman Revealed To Be Paul Ryan

Raleigh, NC—MSNBC correspondent Richard Engel has revealed that Paul Ryan is in fact Superman. He made the remarkable discovery while on assignment last Friday, April 1 at Wakefield Middle School.



“When I arrived, a little, skinny geeky asshole was fighting this nice, gentle 200-pound boy who had just been trying to collect the geeky prick’s mandatory daily lunch-money fee,” Engel explained on The Rachel Maddow Show. “Then all of a sudden, Superman flew out of nowhere and whipped that geek’s punk ass and forced him to pay his dues.”

Engel went on to explain how, using the incredibly refined spy skills that he learned from reading H. G. Well's' science fiction novel The Invisible Reporter, he followed Superman into a bathroom and then watched—in utter disbelief—as he changed from Superman into Paul Ryan.

“I was in complete and total shock at first,” Engel said, “but it makes perfect sense now that I think about it, because Superman’s courageous actions fit perfectly with Paul Ryan’s even more courageous legislation.”

Ryan himself has yet to admit to the allegations, but Engel has no doubt that the “extremely self-assured and confident politician” will soon come clean about being Superman—not to mention Glenn Beck’s secret gay lover.

Moral of the story #1: Bill Maher—“It irks me to no end that people keep calling him ‘courageous,’ the way the media never really looks into anything very deeply, they hear a buzzword, like ‘courageous’ attached to Paul Ryan, and now it’s conventional wisdom that Paul Ryan is courageous. Really? Courageous would have been going after defense and farm subsidies and corporations and rich people. His budget doesn’t do any of that, it goes after children, the poor, the jobless, the people who had the least and could least defend themselves, who had no lobbyists, this is courageous? This is picking on the weakest, smallest kid on the playground and getting called courageous for it.” (Preach, bruh bruh!)

Moral of the story #2: I got some gangsta-ass graphic design skills, son!

Moral of the story #3: Richard Engel is the one who should be called courageous!

Brief News: John Boehner Endures Long Week With Tie Stuck To 261-Pound Tea Brewer

Washington—What should have been just another week at work turned into an embarrassing nightmare for House Speaker John Boehner after he accidentally got his tie stuck in his Fetco TBS-71AC Tea Brewer on Monday morning and, unable to pull himself free, decided to just drag it with him to Capitol Hill.



“Watching him drag that stinking piece of shit—it smelled like a bunch of dried up tea bags—around Washington has been quite delightful,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who took numerous photos of Boehner and then posted them as a slideshow on YouTube.

“It’s a shame that Mr. Speaker is unable to detach himself. It’s almost like he’s too afraid to try. I know it’s big, heavy, and threatening looking, but trust me, there’s nothing to fear. It’s just a big, dumb machine. Added to that, it isn’t even plugged in!”

After a final attempt to dislodge himself from his Fetco TBS-71AC Tea Brewer early Friday, Boehner gave up and used a blowtorch to permanently attach it to his body.

“If you can’t get rid of it, you might as well blowtorch it to yourself,” he later told reporters.

Moral of the story: I’m sad to say that John Boehner has become the Tea Party’s bitch.

Additional Comment: John Boehner, if you're out there, rid yourself of the Tea Party. You're a really nice and sentimental guy, and that's awesome, bro, but you need to realign yourself. God bless you for trying to fix our budget crisis, but look at it from our side -- businesses had the Bush tax cuts for years, and what did they do with it? So why are you punishing us (including children and WOMEN) when you should be going after them? Think about it, bro!

Brief News: GOP Looks To Change Definition Of 'Shared Sacrifice'

Early Wednesday morning, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor revealed plans to permanently change the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of ‘shared sacrifice’ to mean “for 99% of Americans to work really hard and then sacrifice their combined earnings for the benefit of the remaining 1%.”



His announcement was immediately met with ferocious uproar by left-wing legislators, who argued that republicans were trying to “screw over Middle American.” However, Cantor convened a meeting later that afternoon in front of the Capitol Building to refute these allegations.

“You guys have it all wrong, man,” he announced. “We’re not trying to screw anybody over; we’re just trying to ‘pass the potato.’”

“You see, wealth is kind of like a hot potato. The first person picks it up off the stove and burns his hand. Then he passes it on to the next person, who also burns his hands. And it just keeps going around and around until it finally gets back into our *cough* I mean the remaining 1%’s hands, at which point it’s all nice and cool.”

He continued, “I mean . . . you wouldn’t want them to burn their soft, gentle hands, would you?”

Moral of the story: Some republicans have a very twisted idea about what ‘shared sacrifice’ means.

Interesting Facts: Gaddafi's Letter to Obama

Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi wrote a personal letter to Obama in which he begged the president to stop the “unjust war” against Libya (Libya being his nickname). Here are some of the reasons he cited:



  • ”I only have eight more years left until my 50th anniversary as a brutal tyrant!”

  • ”I’d love to have one more wife. Three is my lucky number!”

  • ”I haven’t finished moving Libya out of Africa and putting it back into Europe!”

  • ”I still have to finish reading the Victoria’s Secret Spring 2010 Catalog!”

  • ”I’d like a bit more time to figure out how to spell my name correctly!”

  • ”I’ve only written a Green Book. I’d like to write a Blue Book as well!”

  • ”I need some more cosmetic surgery. I have to look good for Allah!”

  • ”I want to finish my Gaddafi Stamp Collection!


Moral of the story: Gaddafi is a douche and there is no way in hell David Letterman would ever hire me to write one of his top ten lists!

Editorial: Why We Men Shouldn’t Use Condoms—A Thesis Borne From My Insipidness And, Of Course, My Hatred Of Children

A condom is my friend. That’s what I was taught to believe by my parents, my teachers, and sometimes even my pastor. But I think they were full of shit, just like when they told me eating glue would make me dumb. I’m 29, I have a degree, and other than sometimes getting words . . . stuck in my mouth, I turned out pretty well.



Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only lie they told me. As I grew older and eventually passed that mark of manhood—the one lying between having a fully developed dick and having fully developed pubes—they fed me yet another lie: children are also our friends. Supposedly, the end goal of it all is to have my own set of children and then raise them to be as big a loser as I am. Charming.

But they were all lies, man. Glue didn’t make me dumb and children aren’t my friends. And they aren’t yours either; they’re our enemies! Children are vapid little twits who leave puddles of drool big enough to spark a mass looting if only a couple New Orleaners were around; nibble on our spouses’ teats without having ever even taken them out to eat; and, worst of all, look to us to provide them with some sort of guidance. What are we . . . guidance counselors?

As far as I can tell, the real goal ought to be to reduce the number of children in this world—to drive them to extinction. Unfortunately, this goal will never be achieved so long as republicans have their way. You see, conservatives are so fond of children—“He’s so cute!” “He just said his first word!” “He just peed in my face!”—that they’ll do anything to promote their existence, including fight for a woman’s right to shut up and just give birth already.

And so I support abortion. It’s not that I believe a woman should have a choice whether or not to give birth, let alone a choice in anything else (don’t get me started on the remote control), but it’s more so because I hate children. However, neither my hatred for children nor the rising pro-choice movement will ever spur the gentle, child-loving hearts of scumbag republicans. So we have only one other choice—to make them hate children as much as we hate them.

To that end, we must throw aside our rubber condoms and start procreating nonstop, starting with now. Pull off your clothes, quickly locate a member of the opposite sex—even if it’s a relative (incest is tolerable in times of war)—and get to the task at hand: the viral reproduction of these undesirable entities we know as children. We must flood our country with millions of these greasy, tiny tater tots of flesh. It’s our duty, men.

Via our loins, let us fill every grocery store with the loud, high-pitched squeals of belligerent children; saturate every pair of Walmart diapers with the squalid ‘poo poo platter’ that is a child’s excrement, and furnish every adoption center and orphanage with what will one day be America’s next great generation of burglars, rapists, murderers, and grave robbers.

In time, even the most tenderhearted republican will break. It’s inevitable. In frustration and utter madness, not to mention baldness from having ripped out their hairs, they’ll finally give up their battle against abortion. And then, and only then, we will have won our battle against our enemy.

So, in summary, a condom isn’t our friend and, more importantly, children are our enemy. And the only way to rid the world of our enemy is to keep producing them until our other enemy, republicans, grow to hate them as much as we do.

Remember folks, to hate humans is human . . . but to hate children is divine!

Moral of the story #1: Maybe the only way to stop republicans from regulating vaginas is to fill the world up with so many annoying kids that even they can’t stand it anymore?

Moral of the story #2: Why would someone who’s against abortion vote to defund an organization that promotes contraceptives!?

Moral of the story #3: I’m an insensitive idiot, lol.

Texas Man Crowned Most American American

Thursday, April 7 was a special day for the residents of Houston, Texas. While legislators debated the budget, American soldiers climbed the banks of the Kabul River, and Glenn Beck donned a triangular hat, the residents of Houston congregated at the Rodeo Cowboy Bull Riding Stadium to celebrate the crowning of 34-year-old Jessie Loomis as this year’s most American American.



Raised in Houston by his corn-husking and cow-milking father, 34-year-old Jessie was chosen by the National Association of American Americans (NAAA) to be the recipient of this prestigious annual award as per his “dedication to everything that is American, including but not limited to eating greasy cheeseburgers, watching reruns of Hee Haw, and listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd over and over again.”

“Look, any schmuck can be an American, but it takes a true patriot—preferably of the Caucasian persuasion—to be an American American,” NAAA spokesman Mr. Ward Cletus told a crowd of 50,000 extremely obese people whose mouths were stuffed with chili cheese fries. “I’m talking about the type of feller who fears Jesus more than he do his 300-pound wife; who know how to make a confederate flag from nothing but a piece of cardboard, a stencil, and some crayons; and who can shoot a critter right in the eye from 30 miles away.”

He added, “And that’s exactly the type of man Jessie iz!”

In addition to being crowned, Jessie was also rewarded with a heavily used pair of blue jeans, a brand new Holy Bible, an analog television set with a complimentary pair of rabbit ears, and his very own 250-pound wife beater. Furthermore, he earned a four-day vacation to the Jerusalem of American Americans: Indy.

“I can’t tell you how good these here awards make me feel,” Jessie later told Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera, who in fact was the only reporter courageous enough to approach Mr. Loomis’s trailer, which is protected by three pitbulls, an enormous ‘NO TRESPASSING’ sign, and an extremely old, shotgun-wielding woman adorned in a purple muumuu.

“After spending most my life trying to find the perfect recipe for apple-pie-flavored hooch, making a list of everything they be selling at Walmart, and shaving my dear Mama’s hairy back—she the beautiful lady sitting on the makeshift porch—it’s good to know somebody finally recognized all my hard work.”

Unfortunately, this year’s celebration has been marred by controversy. Houston’s Hispanic residents, who represent approximately 37% of the city’s population, have been arguing that this year’s winner should have been Emilio Aguilar, a local Gulf War vet who volunteers twenty hours a week with disabled children, donates 25% of his pension to charity, and even directs his own mariachi band.

“Jessie sounds like a muy grande gringo, but what makes him more American than Emilio—a veteran who has dedicated his life to helping those in need, not to mention playing La Cucaracha?” Houston’s entire Hispanic community had written in a press release that still had a wet taco bell stain on its back by the time it reached the NAAA’s headquarters two days prior to Jessie’s crowning.

Though they made what many feel is a fair argument, what with Walmart-groupie Jessie having far less accomplishments than Emilio, the NAAA ultimately chose to ignore their concerns and instead proceed with their original plans. They did, however, reply with a press release in which they argued that “there’s a big difference between a Mexicant Do Shit American and a true patriot American American.”

It read: “The bottom line is that ya’ll just ain’t real American Americans. A real American American puts his family first, including in the bedroom. A real American American only drives a quality car, like a pickup. And, most importantly, a real American American looks just like George Washington, minus the wig and makeup.”

Upon receiving the reply, Houston’s entire Hispanic population laughed for twenty minutes straight, after which they forgot all about the stupid award and moved on with their awesome lives.

Moral of the story #1: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with living in a beautiful trailer park, listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd, or worshipping the ‘good Lord,’ but there is something very wrong with assuming this lifestyle is more American than that pursued by others—particularly Hispanics, Latinos, Columbians, and whatnot.

Moral of the story #2: I love greasy cheeseburgers, I love delicious tacos, and I’ve been to Indy! My parents took me there with some family friends when I was a wee lad. It was incredibly boring to me, partially because I was too short to know what the hell was going on, but I was there, damnit :-)!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope you folks enjoyed that! Next week, assuming I put in work, will not be as good. I had a lot of free time this week. My main job is basically falling apart (they have barely any work left) and my other main gig is just too boring to endure, so I wasted a lot of depressing hours reading and moping around this week. But I also spent some of it putting in a little extra work toward my satire. Next week, I have to force myself back into the grind (I’m not trying to go broke and homeless!!), so God knows what I’ll produce.

PS #1 I’m sorry to The Onion for stealing yet two more of your format styles. You know, this would be a lot easier for you guys if you just hired me. Hey man, I’m just trying to make YO LIFE easier!

PS #2 Shout out to K97.5 for broadcasting live at the STAR BAR! Their music helped keep me feeling fresh and alive as I finished up my writing! Ya’ll the best radio station in the world, bar none!

PS #3 Shout out to my penis for staying soft when I went to return them books to the library earlier this week. I know that librarian had you feeling fresh and shit, but you did good. You the best penis in the world, bar none! (LOL I’m sorry I’m an idiot)

PS #4 Shout to Morning Joe and there 1000+ guests. And a special shout out to the world’s oldest living being: Mike Barnicle! The man lived through the dinosaur age, and yet he doesn’t even need a crutch! Friggen amazing, man!

PS #5 So my hunt for the right woman just hasn’t been well at all. All the women who’ve contacted me thus far have been quite under par, man. Ladies, ladies, ladies, you have to do more than just juggle a ball with your boobs to win my heart. So to help you, I’ve teamed up with leading hiphop artist Ciara to develop a short little video clip that’ll give you the tools you need to get started on the journey toward my magnanimous heart. Yeah, I’m a great guy like that—I know!

Without further ado, I present our masterpiece:



By the way, not a single woman actually contacted me this week (I like to lie sometimes), but that’s not the point!!!!!!!!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

April 1st | Life Is A Drunken Highway (Rep. Alan Hale of Montana)

Hey, guys and gals. I have something to admit to ya’ll today. All your theories about me were right. I’m gay. Yep, I’m gayer than a handbag full of rainbow t-shirts. It’s true. I love balls. In particular, I love the way a greasy set of balls feels against my thighs. Mmm mmm!

Here’s my boyfriend and I together.



He’s so cute :-) :-)!

NOW STOP STARING AT HIS ASS!

.

..




PSYCH! APRIL FOOL’S!

Anyway, lol.

Good evening, Raleigh and beyond! Other than feeling lonely for the love and touch of a good quality WOMAN [socialites/club goers (NO), bisexuals/perverts (NO), God fiends (NO), anarchists (NO), and fat/ugly (HELL NO)], I’ve had a pretty amazing week. I felt very confident, I worked extremely hard, and I made some awesome jokes. It was great!

Anyway. A lot of stuff has been going on this week. Obama is considering arming the Libyan rebels; the nuclear crisis in Japan is continuing; Trump is still adamant that Obama wasn’t born in the U.S.; Rolling Stone put out a piece about five psychopath American soldiers who murdered innocent Afghan Muslims; a group of psychopath Afghan Muslims attacked a U.N. compound and killed twelve people; the Koch brothers believe the liberal media is making them look like monsters; republicans and democrats are arguing over the budget; and much, much more.

It’s been a crazy-ass week, and there is plenty of more craziness still on its way. Today, I’m going to try to tackle some of the craziness with my satire. My feature piece is left leaning, but my other three are all right leaning, though more so in jest than anything else. Regardless, let’s get to some potential laughs, though to be honest, I haven’t really been on my game lately.

Brief News: Obama Trades In Nobel Prize For Noble Prize

Washington, DC—Late Wednesday afternoon, United States President Barack Obama arrived at the Nobel for Noble Pawn Shop at the corner of 8th and U streets NW in the hope of trading in his coveted Nobel Peace Prize for a Noble Warrior Prize.



Founded in 1902 in rebuttal to the Nobel Peace Prize, the Noble Warrior Prize was designed to give honor to those men and women who displayed a valiant commitment to practicing the art of war. It was eventually dissolved in 1998, but remnants from its 96-year history remain scattered in pawnshops throughout the country.

“Though most people look disfavorably on war, I think it’s the tops,” Obama told reporters, while rummaging through the shop. “Anybody can be a harbinger of peace, but it takes a really special person to be a harbinger of death, doom, and destruction.”

The Nobel Peace Prize ended up being worth so much that Obama was able to trade it in for a Noble Warrior Prize in addition to a Blu-ray player, a large-screen HDTV, and a basketball autographed by Michael Jordan.

“Peace! Huh — yeah, what is it good for?” Obama sang while exiting the store. “Absolutely nothing.”

He continued, “Uh-huh!”

Moral of the story: Moral of the story: Though Bama' is a war-mongering bastard :-), I found his speech on Wednesday at Georgetown University in Washington, DC to be very humbling! Right on, Prez’!

Brief News: Dedicated Church Pastor Suffers Accidental Death After Arming Congregation

Raleigh, NC—Early Friday, Pastor Phillip James of the Missionary Evangelistic Episcopal Baptist Church of God In Christ was killed after he attempted to resolve a local gang crisis by arming his congregation.



Phillip, a dedicated pastor who believed in the righteousness of all men, had recently been called upon by his congregation to intervene in a local gang conflict. The Capital Boulevard Bloods have been feuding with the Brentwood Road Crips, and leaving a trail of burglaries, vandalisms, and grisly murders in the process.

“It’s been affecting the whole community, so our congregation got together and asked him to intervene,” Philip’s wife, Miss Adelaide Beulah Lee, told reporters. “He tried and he tried, but nothing was working, so he decided to use his connections—he used to be a drug dealer before he went to prison and found God—to obtain a bunch of weapons.”

The Pastor’s goal had been to arm his congregation and lead an assault on both gangs. Unfortunately, his plans were thwarted when, during a test run, church lady Erma Ella Louise accidentally fired a weapon at him.

“She was just trying to figure out how to use a bazooka when it suddenly went off and blew my poor husband into a thousand tiny bits and pieces,” Miss Adelaide mournfully remarked.

“LORD HAVE MERCY!”

Moral of the story: I think arming the Libyan rebels is a really, really bad idea.

Brief News: Biden Named Coolest Vice President Ever

The most popular and hardcore jock fraternity in America, the Alpha Betas, has named Vice President Joe Biden the coolest vice president ever.



“As a drunken buffoon who relishes miscounting the number of letters in words, saying really stupid things and trying to get out of it by eating Twix, and busting into silly dance moves while entering auditoriums and lecture halls, I cannot tell you how good it feels to know that my vice president is as big an idiot as I am,” Alpha Betas president Stan Gable told reporters.

Moral of the story: Though Biden is kind of a goofy buffoon (as am I), he’s definitely cool in my book!

Issa Proposes Deregulating Traffic Safety System

Representative Darrell Issa (R-CA), Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, held a hearing Thursday to discuss how the current traffic safety system is adversely affecting corporate profits, and therefore preventing job growth. A longtime proponent of corporate deregulation and small government, Issa proposed a host of wide-sweeping deregulation measures that would essentially dismantle the entire system.



“For starters, we need to do away with seatbelts and baby seats; everyday across our great nation, countless car manufacturers must spend an egregious amount of money to outfit their vehicles with these ridiculous and expensive gadgets,” Issa announced at the hearing. “Granted, a baby shouldn’t be allowed to just bounce around the back of a car, but it’s the parent’s responsibility to firmly attach it to the top of their vehicle—you know, just like a bicycle.”

Also present at the hearing to provide their own testimony were three of Issa’s corporate BFFs, including Clay Blackwell, CEO of the National Association of Bad Products Delivered Fast; Elizabeth McBridge, president and CEO of Semens; and Howard Granger, a lead researcher at the Institute of Mo’ Money, Less Rules.

Though all four were pleased with Issa’s decision to highlight the problems with seatbelts and baby seats, they went on to take aim at other sub-components of the American traffic system as well, including stoplights, school zone signs, and speed limits.

“Stoplights are another perfect example of what we’re talking about,” Clay Blackwell argued on the House floor.

“Drivers must constantly stop to translate those weird, hippy-like orbs of flashing, red, yellow, and green lights,” he continued. “Not only do these awkwardly placed liberal disco balls impede Americans from getting to work on time, which causes many of them to get fired, but they also force businesses to funnel money that could be used to hire new employers toward paying for all the extra time truck drivers incur from waiting at these lights.”

Elizabeth McBridge, whose company transports semen to women, many of whom are so desperate to have children that they live right next to a school zone, was more concerned with the effect school zone signs have been having on her business.

“As we know too well, semen has an extremely short lifespan, which is why it’s fundamental that my drivers deliver it to their recipients as quickly as possible,” McBridge contended. “But they can’t do that because of these stupid signs.”

She continued, “You know, just because some parents are too lazy to teach their children how to run across the road fast enough to avoid getting hit doesn’t mean my business should have to be punished for it.”

The harshest criticism came from Howard Granger, a staunch supporter of traffic law deregulation who has dedicated his life to coming up with lousy arguments for why there should be no laws whatsoever. He argued that the traffic safety system isn’t just affecting corporations; it’s affecting politicians as well. In particular, he pointed to the emergency meeting on NPR that was scheduled for Wednesday, March 16.

“If I’m not mistaken, the EMERGENCY meeting had to be cancelled because most of you weren’t able to get to Capitol Hill on time,” he said. “That wouldn’t have happened if there weren’t speed limits.”

Thursday’s hearing came after President Obama publicly called on all Americans to “pay better attention to road signs and stop blowing through stop signs without coming to a complete halt.” The move was in response to a recent report that revealed traffic-related deaths have climbed 10% since 2008.

“Obama has been one of the most corrupt presidents in modern times,” Issa later told reporters, shaking his head in utter disgust. “Stoplights, school zone signs, and seatbelts may save lives, but what’s the point of life if you don’t have enough money stuffed in your underwear to buy yourself a yacht?”

Many business owners across America agree with Issa. Angry with Obama’s dedication to traffic safety, many of them have begun threatening to start laying off employees—even the illegal ones.

“You know, if America continues on this perilous road toward traffic safety fascism, most businesses will have no other option but to outsource their operations and just start shipping their products overseas instead.”

He added, “Oh wait; they already do that.”

Moral of the story #1: Excessive deregulation is bad.

Moral of the story #2: Bush did plenty to help businesses, yet they continued outsourcing.

Moral of the story #3: Darrell Issa is a tool. In particular, he’s a hoe.

-------------------------------------------------

Well, I hope you folks enjoyed that. I’m fairly happy with the feature piece (though it could have been more substantial, but coming up with substantial jokes is really really hard), but I’m a bit concerned about my brief pieces. I just want to remind everyone that I’m a liberal, lol.

PS #1 – We should have never got involved with Libya, but now that we've pissed off Gaddafi, we need to either capture him or kill him; in my opinion, there are no other options. And this operation cannot involve arming a bunch of goofballs whom we barely f**king know. Either we send in some tanks / agents, or we bomb Gaddafi to smithereens. If we let him live, whether as Libya's ruler or in exile, he will eventually use his wealth to strike back at us (Pan Am Flight 103) -- and that's just not acceptable to me.

By the way, why has this asshole allowed to live after all the shit he’s done? Can anybody please tell me?

PS #2 – Today I had a chance to stop by a used bookstore. While there, I ran into three awesome books, including “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist's Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government,” “Napoleon’s Privates: 2,500 Years of History Unzipped,” and “More Filthy Dirty Jokes: Uncensored Edition.”

I especially want to talk about “Parliament of Whores.” Though it was written by a staunch conservative, P.J. O’Rourke, I am nonetheless greatly looking forward to reading it. The beauty of satire is that you don’t have to hold the same views as the satirist to enjoy his or her work. Suffice it to say, it’s all fair in comedy and satire!



PS #3 – Rapper YC will be live at the Star Bar this Sunday, courtesy of K97.5, and he'll be singing his hit single, "Racks on Racks!" In addition, the baddest looking female will win $2000 cash. So ladies, get yo booties looking tight and hit the club this Sunday! HOLLA . . . but don’t holla at me cuz I ain’t attracted to club/bar hoppers.

PS #4 – Courtesy of my friend Necia: “HATERS= H-having A-anger T-towards E-everyone R-reaching S-success" ; Just saw her status message and thought I’d share it because I’m running out of things to say, lol.

PS #5 – Umm…. I hope everybody has a great, wonderful weekend! And OH, ladies watch out for me! I’ve started prowling dating websites again, so if you’re interested in getting with a winner (well technically, I’m an “eventual winner”), keep an eye out for a really gay-looking Indian guy with lots of pimples, a bunch of moles, and wickedly cool $20 glasses made by a guy in Bereilly, India.

pEaCe!

Followers